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The sweetness of you on my tongue
I breathed you in, you filled my lungs
A bitter taste, surrender waste
Another weakness

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SAN

On his way to Yeosang's place, San went over his spontaneous idea of even going there, a million times in his head. In the end he didn't even manage to figure it out before he was standing right in front of the apartment door. Sure, it'd be easy for him to just call some random girl up for the night - like he's done so many times before - but tonight he didn't feel like it at all. With a deep breath he lifts his hand to knock on the door.

The only thing he is certain of, is that he doesn't want to be alone tonight, stuck with the suffocating thoughts that won't leave him alone. But what he fears the most, is what he might have ended up doing to himself if he had just gone home to his own empty apartment. 

His brother's words are hanging over him like a dark cloud, doing nothing but harm. San deeply regrets he went to the birthday celebration, it's not like anyone would've missed him anyway. His brother definitely wouldn't, he wouldn't even be sorry if San died – he has made that clear multiple times already.

"I brought Soju!" San says, forcing a smile, as soon as Yeosang opens the door. The glass bottles in the plastic bag clinking against each other as he lifts it up.

"Okay," the younger simply replies and gestures San to come inside.

San empties the pockets of his suit pants and lays his keys and phone on a small, white dresser. Yeosang has quickly disappeared into the kitchen to grab some glasses, and San sits down on the floor with his back leaned against the couch. When his eyes move to look at the bed next to where he is sitting, he feels his cheeks heat up from the memories of what had happened there.

Thank God Yeosang doesn't remember anything, he would probably kill San if he did.

"Why did you come here?" Yeosang asks as he sits down next to San on the floor.

"I don't know?" San shrugs, "I just didn't feel like going home."

Yeosang nods slowly, looking like he wants to ask more questions but ends up staying silent. While the younger is pouring Soju into the shot glasses, San steals a quick glance at him. It appears that Yeosang has showered just before San came over; his brown hair is still a little damp and there's a faint but sweet scent lingering around him. The navy sweatshirt he is wearing is too big and it keeps falling down his right shoulder when he moves around.

San turns his head to look away when the vision of Yeosang's soft skin is burning into his eyes. Even when they start drinking and the conversation is going somewhat well for once, he still doesn't dare to look up in fear of being captivated by Yeosang's looks again.

Yeosang is cute, like really cute. But at the same time he is so incredibly hot, and it is frustrating San who can't fight off his attraction to the younger next to him. While emptying yet another shot glass, he finally turns his head to look at Yeosang again.

"Maybe we should order some food?" Yeosang then suggests, already swaying a little from side to side.

"You're probably right," San agrees, relieved to get an excuse to get up. He needs to give his brain a short break before it overheats.

He grabs the phone closest to him on the dresser only to realize it isn't his own. The lock screen photo lights up and shows him a photo of Yeosang and some other guy next to him. And the other guy is breathtakingly stunning, even San has to admit that.

"Who's this? Your brother?" San suddenly hears himself ask, still staring at the photo on the screen.

"What?" Yeosang looks up from the floor, but his confused face soon turns into complete panic mode. "No! No, it's not!"

"Nah, he's too good-looking to be related to you anyway," San laughs teasingly, watching how Yeosang is practically stumbling over his own legs to get up.

"Give me that," the younger snaps, snatching the phone right out of San's hand.

"Who is it then?" San's interest surely has been sparked by Yeosang's strange behavior. "Is it... Taeyong?"

The last question was only meant as a joke, as San has no clue on who in the world Taeyong could be. But the way Yeosang stares at him eyes widening up while the rest of his face goes completely blank is almost frightening. Yeosang's eyes are flickering around the room while his lower lip is trembling, but he doesn't speak and the anxiousness beaming off of him is making San feel bad for asking.

"You... H-how do you... How do you know that name?" Yeosang finally stutters.

"You were mumbling it in your sleep, when you crashed at my place," San quietly mumbles back, scratching his head while trying to look away from Yeosang's stare.

Yeosang makes a few whining noises while walking around in circles, his arms shifting between hanging down his sides and being thrown into the air. Now and then he looks at San, only to shake his head while mumbling something to himself.

"Taeyong is my ex..." Yeosang suddenly says as he lets his body dump down onto the couch. He closes his eyes at the very same time, showing just how hard it is to say those words out loud.

"Oh... W-why did you break up?"

Yeosang purses his lips together, nervously tapping his fingers against his thigh. San quietly walks over to sit next to him. It's the first time he's actually felt sorry for crossing the line, but he doesn't like how affected Yeosang seems by this whole conversation.

"His family forced him to marry a girl, they wouldn't accept that their only son was gay. H-he said that we could still be together if he did as they wanted him to. But I... I couldn't live like that. It just... It hurts that he moved to New York and got married anyway, right after we broke up... So..." Yeosang shrugs his shoulders at the last part, as if it doesn't really matter to him. But it is obvious that it still hurts him deeply.

"That is so fucked up," San mutters, unsure what to do or say to cheer him up again. "Yeosang... Why do you still use that photo on your phone? Isn't it just making you hurt even more?"

While nodding a few times, Yeosang finds the phone he had stuffed into his pocket. The light from the screen illuminates his face as he looks at it with sad eyes.

"Sometimes holding on is just easier than letting go, even if it hurts you. You know?" he says quietly.

"Yeah... I know..." San nods, rubbing his neck a couple of times before his face suddenly lights up and he reaches his hand out towards Yeosang. "Give me your phone."

"What?"

"You need to change that photo, and unfollow him everywhere!"

"What? Why?" Yeosang complains, trying to hide his phone with his hands.

"You need to do it, for your own sake."

"But... He's just so beautiful," Yeosang coos, looking at his phone as if it was a little baby.

San takes a deep breath and reaches in across Yeosang to snatch the phone from his hands, causing Yeosang to let out a discontent whine as it happens. With one hand San is trying to unlock the phone, only to realize that Yeosang doesn't have a password on it, and with the other he is trying to fight the younger off.

Yeosang is practically throwing himself on top of San, waving his arms around in attempt to get his phone back, when he accidently smacks San in the face. When it happens, San is so surprised he loses focus for just a brief second, but it is just long enough for both of them to fall down onto the floor.

It's only lasts for a very short second, when their lips gently brush against each other's as they tilt over together, but the silence that occurs afterwards seems like an eternity. Yeosang's eyes widen up, bigger than ever before and his hand is held over his mouth in complete shock.

"Yeosang, are you okay?" San dares to break the silence, as Yeosang doesn't move or speak at all.

"Oh my God..." the younger whispers, scooting away on the floor. "You... You've kissed me before!"

"W-what?" a nervous laugh leaves San's lips, but how can he even try to deny it. He struggles to stay cool, but inside he is on full panic mode.

"New Year's Eve! Oh God! It was you! You kissed me! Why-why did you do that?" Yeosang's voice is gradually getting louder as he gets up. He glares at San who is still sitting on the floor, for once feeling a little guilty of his actions.

"Could you calm down please? I-I don't know? It was New Year's; we were drunk I... I just..." San tries to argue, but he knows it's a lost battle and he does understands why Yeosang is so upset.

"You need to leave!"

"Yeosang... Wait! Come on, just listen to me-"

"San. Leave."

San is suddenly pulled up from the floor and dragged towards the door. His heart is beating faster by the anxiety of having to go home and just be alone. With his thoughts. He can't, it will ruin him even more if it happens. When he and Yeosang are standing in front of each other at the door, San is panicking inside like never before. He has to stay.

"Yeosang..." San whispers softly.

As San takes a step forward, Yeosang takes one back. The younger nervously tugs the ends of his sleeves while trying to avoid eye contact. He eventually looks up by accident, when his back hits the wall behind him and when their eyes meet his face finally softens up again. Looking into his eyes, San realizes it's not that he has to stay, it's because he wants to.

He wants Yeosang.

"Please," he whispers in Yeosang's ear, gently letting his fingers dance down the younger's soft neck, inhaling the younger's sweet scent, "I don't want to be alone tonight."

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♫ All time Low - Drugs and Candy