________________________

So maybe i'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
'Till the walls are going up
In smoke with all our memories

________________________

YEOSANG

The tears are welling up in Yeosang's eyes as he once again loses the battle against his own self-control. The phone is lighting up in his shaking hands while his eyes are reading through the captions underneath the photos of the perfect life he could've had.

Or somehow, could have had. The words that Taeyong used to say to him, only when they were alone, are now spread out on the internet for the whole world to see.

"I'm going to marry you someday," Taeyong whispered in Yeosang's ear as they lied all cuddled up in bed.

"And how are you planning on making that happen, with that family of yours?" Yeosang laughed, at that time not aware of just how much of an issue this would turn out to be.

"I don't care. I'll figure it out. I'll make you the happiest person in the entire world. I love you, Yeosang!" Taeyong intertwined his fingers with Yeosang's as he leaned down to kiss him. "I'll love you forever."

Looking into Taeyong's beautiful eyes, Yeosang felt no worries in the world. Sure, it had been hard being forced to keep their relationship a secret, but Yeosang didn't want to rush Taeyong. Not everyone grew up in such an understanding and supportive family as Yeosang had been blessed with.

"And I'll love you forever too," Yeosang smiled against Taeyong's lips.

"One day, Sangie, one day I promise you we'll be able to tell it to the world. One day everyone will know how lucky I am that you are mine." Taeyong's words made butterflies fly around in Yeosang's stomach.

Even though they'd been together for more than a year already, Yeosang still felt just as in love as when they first started dating. Right in that moment he couldn't imagine a life without Taeyong in it, without Taeyong lying next to him and telling him he will love him forever and ever.

Forever.

758.032 likes
I'll love you forever, my beautiful wife!
Still can't believe how lucky I am to say that you are mine💞

The stream of photos seems so endless, but Yeosang has looked at them so many times now he has memorized almost every caption. Looking at these pictures the marriage wouldn't seem fake to anyone, and most definitely not to Yeosang. From the couple's trips to Paris, posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and being so #relationshipgoals-like that Yeosang feels like throwing up in his mouth, to the many photos of the happy couple kissing and holding hands in public. All those things that Yeosang never was allowed to do or share.

Yeosang throws his phone to the side as the first tear breaks free from his eyes. He curses at himself for being an idiot and looking through Taeyong's Instagram yet again.

"Why are you such an idiot, Yeosang? Why, why, why?" he mumbles into his hands. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

But he knows why. He is still in love with Taeyong, and he is starting to fear that he always will be. Taeyong helped him out of a dark place, a place Yeosang was scared he would be trapped in forever. None of his friends knew what had happened to him, he was too ashamed and too afraid to tell anyone. He just shut all his feelings and his hurt inside his heart and carried it with him every day, alone.

When he met Taeyong he started to feel something he hadn't felt in a long time, something he had been frightened to feel ever again. Taeyong stayed by Yeosang's side, patient and ready with a loving embrace whenever needed.

Now Yeosang is scared that he will never find someone like that again, and that he'll just remain alone forever addicted to the pain of memories of the one he lost.

After a few minutes of pitying and cursing at himself at the same time, he picks up his phone to call Wendy. His heart is beating fast as he prepares himself to ask the questions he has been dying, but dreading to ask for months now. The seconds while waiting for her to pick up feels like an eternity.

"Sangie?"

"Hey, Wendy... I... Sorry, am I disturbing you?"

"No, not at all, silly! What's up?"

Yeosang bites his lip while getting out of bed just to walk back and forth, hesitating as he is scared of what he is about to ask and what the answers will be.

"Wendy I... I have to ask this now..." he begins nervously, "did you... Did you see her too, when you and Jaehyun met with Taeyong?"

"Sangie..."

"Please, you can tell me."

"We did, yeah... I-I didn't invite her though!"

"Is he... Happy... With her? Do you think... He actually loves her?"

"Yeosang. Are you sure you want to talk about this?"

"Is that a yes?"

Wendy pauses for a few seconds, Yeosang can hear her smack her lips a bit trying to figure out what to say next. Wendy knows everything that happened between Yeosang and Taeyong, from their first date to the contracts and to the break up. And the supposedly fake marriage.

"I... I don't... I don't think so..." she sighs. "I'm sorry, Sangie. I really don't know. But..."

"But what?"

"Before I tell you this, promise me you won't let it affect you too much. Promise me!"

"I promise."

Another brief moment of silence that feels like years while Yeosang impatiently walks around in circles. His heart pounding in his chest and he anxiously bites his nails, waiting for Wendy to speak again.

"But he doesn't look at her the way he looked at you."

"Oh... "Yeosang breathes out not quite sure how to take this information. He feels happy and relieved but somehow sad and confused at the same time.

"Yeosang. Promise me you won't do anything stupid, okay?"

"Of course. I won't, don't worry. I just had to ask, you know? 'Cause I assume I'll have to face him at your engagement party. I have to be prepared."

"Yeah, of course..." Wendy mutters quietly, not quite believing her best friend's words.

Yeosang runs his fingers through his hair as he sits down on the bed, his heart weighing heavily in his chest.

"I guess he'll just always be the one that got away," Yeosang practically whispers while clenching his fist, trying not to be pathetic and cry again.

"Yeosang," Wendy says, suddenly sounding so serious through the phone, "he wasn't the one that got away. You were."

✧

A good twenty minutes later, Yeosang is still wide awake. After the phone call with Wendy, he doesn't feel tired at all anymore. He feels absolutely restless as various scenarios of what might happen when he has to face Taeyong again are running through his head.

But the worst part is how lonely he is feeling. And he is sick of it. He wants to be embraced again, kissed on the lips and feel someone else close to him. But it has been so long and he has no idea how to even begin looking for someone new.

When his phone lights up again, Yeosang stares at the screen - and to say he is confused will definitely be an understatement.

San
Hey
How was work tonight?

Yeosang scratches his head while reading the texts on his screen. If Hongjoong hadn't forced them to exchange numbers back when Yeosang started working at the club, Yeosang wouldn't for one second believe it was actually San who was texting.

Since the night Yeosang had spent at San's place, the two of them haven't spoken much. They practically just went back to ignoring each other, but although Yeosang should feel happy about that he somehow doesn't. He has to admit that he started to look at San in a completely new way after he saw the deep scars running down the other's arm. Maybe the two of them aren't that different after all.

"Okay... Stay cool..." he mumbles to himself, typing in a reply...

Yeosang
Fine. Why?

San
You didn't miss me too much?

Yeosang
Oh. You weren't there?
Didn't even notice

San
You're an idiot

Yeosang
How was the birthday celebration?

San
Horrible.
I think my brother's girlfriend came onto me
So awkward 🔫

Yeosang
Was she hot?

San
Really hot!

Yeosang
Wow. Must've been so traumatizing for you
Have you considered therapy?

San
Shut up

Yeosang
Just trying to help you through this💪

San
...

Yeosang
Why did you text me?

When San mentions the girl at the birthday celebration, Yeosang feels his heart drop and he lets go of a sigh over his own stupidity; why does this even bother him? But when San's last message rolls in, Yeosang suddenly feels like his heart might explode. Too many emotions is storming through him, and with shaking hands he texts back, wondering what the older is up to now.

San
idk
Can I come over?

Yeosang
Sure

_____________________________

♫ Rihanna - Love the way you lie pt. II

[edit: author's note 2022] I see some comments disliking the statement Wendy gave Yeosang at the end of their call. It was actually meant to cheer him up, so I'll try to clear things up:

"The one that got away" is a person you feel you'll never get over. One you miss every day, and you regret ever letting go of. Yeosang feels Taeyong is that person, because he's still in love with him, but Wendy tries to tell him that it's the other way around = Taeyong should be the one to regret ever letting Yeosang go. Yeosang was the one who got away, because he's worth so much more.

I hope it makes sense now <3 xx