_______________________

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
Why at the bottom of everything
I finally start to believe

_______________________

SAN

San exhales sharply, wishing the thoughts in his mind would leave his body just as easily, as the smoke that flows from his lips. The freezing wind is stroking his cheeks while his body is trembling from the cold. Tugging the collar of his jacket closer around his neck isn't helping much, and he knows he eventually will have to just go inside. He watches the fancily dressed people through the windows of the event hall in front of him, wishing he had to do anything but join them. But he has to.

Tonight is his father's 60th birthday celebration, and he has unwillingly agreed to attend – only to stop his mother from nagging him. Not that anyone in his entire family gives a shit about him anyway, his mother is the only one who still tries although it isn't much. The small glimpse in her eyes which tells San she still, deep down, loves him is fading each time he sees her. In the end she only cares about keeping the picture-perfect family image up.

With heavy steps he drags his body through the entrance where he is greeted by a young woman with a guest list in her hand. After giving her his name, she nods and gestures him in the right direction.

He takes a few deep breaths before entering the party. There is a lot of people there, too many. His entire family, his father's business partners, everyone. While searching the room for his mother, just to make sure that she sees that he actually showed up, San pushes his dark hair back with a frown on his face. God, he hates being here already. The white shirt he is wearing is for once buttoned all the way up, and he feels like he is being choked by the otherwise soft, cotton collar.

"San, there you are! I'm so glad that you could come," his mother suddenly calls out behind him, sounding as genuine as she can.

She wraps her arms around him in a shallow hug, and San knows it's just for show. She hasn't given him a hug in years. He doesn't even get the chance to make his own body react before she has let go again.

"You've gotten so skinny, do you eat right?" she adds, for once actually sounding like a real mother. "Did you say hello to your brother yet?"

San shivers by the words that instantly brings back all the bad memories he has with his brother. At the same time, San also takes notice on how she deliberately didn't ask about greeting his father. Even though it's his birthday after all, San has no intention of speaking a single word with that man. And he knows his father feels the same way about him. Their relationship has been non-existent after San didn't choose the path that he was planned to take; to become a lawyer like his father, or a doctor like his brother.

And speaking of the devil.

"Oh, there he is!" San's mother lights up in a smile, something that hasn't been aimed at San for many years now. "Sanggyu!"

Yes, there he is, the golden boy – the pride of the family. San's five-years older brother, Sanggyu.

Despite them being around the same height, San has always felt his brother was way taller than him. Most likely due to the way that man carries himself. Always too straight of a posture, and with that condescending look on his face. Sanggyu is a man whose aura just demands respect as soon as he walks into a room, something he definitely got from their father.

"San," his usual cold voice says as the brothers are standing face to face.

"Sanggyu..." San has to hold himself back from rolling his eyes when he greets him.

"So..." Sanggyu glares at San with that specific look that shit is about to go down. "How is it going with your so-called job? Did you at least become the bar-manager yet?" he asks, spitting out the last word, as if it isn't a real one.

"No. I didn't. And I don't want to."

"San. You are twenty-five now. Aren't you going to get yourself an education and a real job soon?"

San just shrugs his shoulders, not even bothering to answer him this time. It's the same question with the same answer every time they see each other. He can see how his mother is struggling to find something to say to break the awkward silence that suddenly has laid down over them. She is anxiously fiddles with her necklace, and keeps opening her mouth a little, but no words are coming out. Sanggyu is scornfully staring at San over the edge of the champagne glass in his hand, as he takes a sip.

The air starts to feel heavy and San excuses himself to the bathroom, just to get away as fast as possible. When he has mingled himself in between the other guests, he changes direction and heads for the bar instead. He definitely needs something strong to calm himself down.

San taps his fingers against the wooden counter of the bar, while looking around the room. There is so many people tonight, and he doesn't even recognize most of them. Suddenly he notices a young lady standing to his right, and he can't help but let his eyes linger on her. She is amazingly beautiful, with long dark brown hair, big brown eyes framed by long dark lashes and with beautiful pink lips. Around her neck is the most gorgeous, sparkling diamond necklace and the green dress she is wearing looks like it was made just for her.

San almost flinches when she suddenly turns her head and looks straight into his eyes. She sends him a strange look, as if she somehow recognizes him although he has no idea of who she is. But he wishes that he did.

Before he can get to introduce himself, none other than Sanggyu shows up next to her. San watches them from the corner of his eye, while getting the ordered cocktail from the bartender.

"Ah, there you are," he smiles at the girl while giving her a quick peck on the cheek. His smile fades as soon as he sees San standing at the bar as well. "Irene, my mother is asking for you. I'll come find you in a second, okay?"

Sanggyu glares at San while waiting for the beautiful Irene to leave. As soon as she is out of sight, he leans in closer, a demeaning smirk painted on his face.

"You look busted, I assume you're still doing coke?" Sanggyu asks, like it's the most normal conversation starter in the world.

"Yeah, do you want to go to the bathroom and get shit faced? I rolled a 50 up my ass earlier that we can use. Might have to search for it, but hey, you're a doctor, right?" San immediately snaps back at him. "No, not that it is any of your business, but I'm done with that shit."

San has no intention of letting his brother know that he failed staying clean once again, it was only one line, one time at New Year's after all. No one needs to know about that. And especially not Sanggyu.

"Ah, and for how long do you think that it'll last this time?" Sanggyu snorts, sending that judgmental look he always uses when he is looking at his younger brother.

"After being in your company? Probably not that long," San mumbles back, his trembling lips clinging onto the edge of the glass in his hand. The irony in his statement is too weak for even himself to believe it.

"Guess I'll see you at the E.R. again soon then?"

"That was a mistake and it happened once! Once!" San growls angrily, clenching his fist so hard it hurts.

He quickly regrets his outburst because this is exactly what his brother wants; to see him act like the immature asshole that he is determined San is.

"Sure. Once, because of that. You are wasting your life, San. You of all people should know better," Sanggyu says in a low voice, "what would she think, if she knew what you have become?"

As soon as the last words run through San's ears, he has run out of words to speak himself. He grits his teeth, turning his face away from his brother while a big lump is growing in his throat. Sanggyu just had to throw that in, the one thing that forever will hit San right where it hurts the most.

✧

Moments later, San is sitting in a small conservatory where he can smoke in peace. From the event hall he can hear the faint sound of people talking and piano music playing. The sudden sound of stilettoes approaching makes him turn his head towards the door, fearing who will show up.

"San from Cobra. I finally get to meet you in real life," the girl in the green dress, Irene, says as she walks through the door.

"How did you-?"

"Oh, I've seen photos of you before. You've slept with a couple of my model friends. And believe me, I've heard a lot of stories about you. A lot," she laughs teasingly. "I had no idea that you were Sanggyu's brother though?"

San just shrugs his shoulders at her last question, not that it surprises him that his brother never has mentioned him. When she sits down next to him, a bit too closely, he starts to feel a little nervous. Sanggyu would kill him if he saw this.

"What have you heard about me then?" San asks, although feeling a little uncomfortable he still can't help but to be a little amused by her words.

"Well..." Irene chuckles, "let's not get into too many details here. But I do know that you are lousy at texting back afterwards."

"Can't deny the facts," San just nods, trying not to stare at her beauty. "... How come I've never seen you at Cobra?"

"Hmm, I travel and work a lot so I don't have much time for partying," Irene replies and flips her long hair back over her shoulder. There's a short silence between them and San isn't quite sure what to say or do next. He almost jumps up in surprise when she suddenly moves closer to him, sitting so close now that their arms are brushing against each other.

"So... What's the deal with you and Sanggyu?" San quickly bursts out, trying to scoot away unnoticeably.

"Oh. Nothing serious, if that's what you mean," she smiles, leaning in even closer. "It's not like we are exclusive or anything, so don't worry about it. I'm free to do whatever I want. And whoever I want."

Her sweet purring in his ear almost causes San fall down the bench. He has to desperately pretend that his phone is vibrating in his pocket, and that it's an important call that he has to answer right away.

She looks very disappointed when he sends her a quick smile before rushing through the door.

It almost physically hurts to turn down such a beautiful girl. But Sanggyu would kill him he made a move on her.

And this time he would really kill him.

San stumbles down the stairs to get to the wardrobe. He has to get away before he ends up making a big mistake. When he has called a cab, he restlessly waits by the side of the road. After fidgeting the phone around in his hand, an unexpected thought makes its way to his mind. With his brain apparently shutting off, he unlocks the screen and writes a message to the last person he'd expect himself to text, ever.

Yeosang.

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♫ Thirty Seconds to Mars - The Story

A/N: The brother's name is 100% made up, as I didn't want to pin anyone on this character.