Book title: My First Sight

Author's Name: Jackjeonjunkook

Reviewer: Anika (FrozenHeartsGalaxy)

• TOTAL MARKS- ①⓪⓪

|- ⑤ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ.

-0/5

There is no reader interaction throughout the whole story.

|- 10 ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴄᴏᴠᴇʀ.

-5/10

The cover is simple, it doesn't have any aesthetic design but the choice of image is good and eye-catching. No need to write "PJM FF" because everyone can tell it's pjm fanfiction just by looking at the image of Jimin. The title font, position and colour suits the cover but I don't understand the significance of the U-turn sign overlapping letter (s) of the word "sight." Write the author's in a more professional way, the word "by" should be at top of author's name and the name should be positioned at the middle of the bottom.

|- ⑤ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴅᴇsᴄʀɪᴘᴛɪᴏɴ.

-2/5

The description is short, enlightening about the plot only, there is no any special quote but just a cliffhanger that how Y/N will manage to make him fall for her. The letter (f) of "first" shouldn't be written in capital as it is the second word of the sentence. There are many punctuation mistakes, don't give space before comma (,) or full stop/dot (.) There is grammar mistake in third line "confesses" it is the present simple tense and third person singular, but in this narration Y/N isn't addressing her own self as third person plus she is planning for future so the correct grammar is "confess" The vocabulary style doesn't look good too.

|- 10 ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴛɪᴛʟᴇ.

-3/5

Don't add full stops/dots in the title. I suggest if you separate the words using vertical bar ( | ) instead of parenthesis, it would be much better and appealing. Give more deep meaning to the title, "My first sight" doesn't look romantic at all. It's just talking about eye-sight.

|- ①⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴘʟᴏᴛ.

-5/10

Y/N fall in love with Jimin at first sight and decided to be his friend before gaining the courage to confess to him. I like this idea and she thought about that because it's obviously impossible that someone will accept your love when you are completely stranger to him. But the problem is Y/N didn't think about this in story but only in description. In the story she directly went to Jimin and became friends way too quickly completing the half main plot already. It would've been much better if it would've taken a little bit longer time with some spice, for example first she should've thought about confessing her feelings but after a few failed attempts to approach him this way, she decides to offer him friendship in the end with the hidden aim to confess to him later. In other words, you should have shown Y/N crushing over him from far away, hiding from his sight but you made them already too close so it's no fun.

•|- ②⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴀᴍᴍᴀʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴠᴏᴄᴀʙᴜʟᴀʀʏ.

-5/20

Vocabulary:-

Don't use messages or text methods to start certain dialogues. Remove "Y/N :" and other names like this from your book and make sure to mention their names in action tags. For example:-

1. Chapter 1,

Y/N : " I know that and you don't need ro scream and bust my eardrums off . Anyway what for breakfast . " I asked

Correction: "I know that and you don't need to scream and bust my eardrums out. Anyways what's for breakfast? Y/N asked.

Reviewer: That's how you write a dialogue with an action tag. I have explained furthermore vocabulary mistakes.

2. Chapter 1,

Uh ! It felt like vacation has just started and in a blink of an eye vacation has just finished I thought

Correction: "Uh! It felt like vacation has just started and in the blink of an eye, it just ended"

Reviewer: You don't have to write "I thought" because readers already know it's character's thoughts 

3. Chapter 1,

Y/N :" NO ! not today again we are having egg and toasted bread for past one week . " I was unhappy .

Reviewer: After the exclamation mark (!) First letter of a word should be capital.

4. Chapter 3,

So I hanged up from phone . Waited to class to end

Correction: So I hanged up from phone and waited for the class to end

5. Chapter 5,

" What did he tell ? " Her eyes widened

Correction: "What did he say?" 

Reviewer: He was on the phone call, there is nothing to tell, he was just talking.

6. Chapter 5,

After many , many , many hour's it become 2 :00. I went to my room and started dressing pretty.

Correction: After waiting for many hours, the time finally ticked 2:00 PM. I went to my room and wore a pretty dress.

Reviewer: Make sure to add two 12-hour periods with time such as AM or PM.

7. Chapter 5,

We got some ice cream I got some chocolate , where he got strawberry.

Correction: We got ice cream, I got chocolate flavour whereas he got strawberry.

8. Chapter 7,

Finally when class as has ended Jimin came to me.

Correction: Finally when the class ended, Jimin came to me.

9. Chapter 8,

When I was sleeping , I heard some sound going on . 

Reviewer: Replace sound with word "noise"

10. Chapter 8,

Sarah : "Oh ! I am just packing my things . I am moving out ." She was sad.

Correction: She said sadly.

11. Chapter 8,

Y/N : "Really ! Why ? " I was shocked.

Correction: "Really! Why?" I asked, shocked.

12. Chapter 8,

Both of was really tired 

Correction: Both of (us) was really tired.

Spelling Mistake:- 

I found multiple spelling mistakes, make sure to correct them. I suggest to search for new words in the dictionary before writing.

1. Chapter 1, 

I woke up really lazy, cause it's my first day of collage

Correction: College

2. Chapter 3,

"Ohhh ! What books do you read." He looked cuios

Correction: curious

3. Chapter 3,

The we contined talking.

Correction: Then

4. Chapter 6,

She smiled Shipley

Correction: sheeply. 

5. Chapter 7,

There was nothing special today except seeing my angle Jimin.

Correction: angel

6. Chapter 9,

After many hour's of shopping , we were hungary

Correction: hungry

7. Chapter 11,

I was trying to remove my wrist by this unknow person 

Correction: unknown

8. Chapter 14,

He had a bight smile on his face.

Correction: bright

Punctuation:- 

You need to stop giving space before or after any punctuations such as comma (,) full stop/dot (.) And exclamation mark (!)

In the case of quotation marks (") you cannot give space between them and dialogues. Kindly avoid that for future chapters.

1. Chapter 1,

Y/N : " What makes you excited today Huh! " I asked .She screamed with excitement.

Reviewer: Don't give space before and after quotation marks (") and add question marks (?) in interrogation dialogue. 

Correction: "What makes you excited today huh?" I asked. 

2. Chapter 1,

The Professor came inside and said happily . " Good Morning we have an announcement, we have got a new student."

Correction: The Professor came inside and said happily, "Good morning! We have an announcement, we got a new student."

3. Chapter 2,

I'm making chicken soup this is gonna be delicious.

Reviewer: add comma next to soup

Correction: I'm making chicken soup, this is gonna be delicious

4. Chapter 2,

As I entered home she was there in the kitchen . Cooking dinner

Reviewer: add comma next to kitchen instead of full stop.

5. Chapter 3,

" I read a lot of fiction / fantasy books like Percy Jackson , Harry Potter , Shadow Hunters and many more books . "

Reviewer: This (/) is called slash, you cannot use that in dialogue. Imagine saying fiction "slash" fantasy.

6. Chapter 3,

You did it ! I am so happy for you call Sarah and tell her.

Correction: You did it! I'm so happy for you, call Sarah and tell her.

7. Chapter 5, 

"Bye have a great day ." She said .

Correction: "Bye, have a great day." She said.

8. Chapter 6,

Sarah : " Really . " Said annoying.

Reviewer: She is asking so add a question mark (?)

Correction: "Really?" She asked annoyingly.

9. Chapter 8,

Y/N : " When is your flight ?" Said while packing .

Reviewer: Here is the action tag mistake, She was asking, not saying.

Correction: "When's your flight?" Y/N asked while packing

10. Chapter 9,

" Did you say to Jessica that you were going . "

Reviewer: Add question mark.

11. Chapter 9,

" Hey ! Where are you ? We have reached to the mall ." I started to the conversation 

Reviewer: Don't give space before the exclamation mark (!) And she is asking, not starting a conversation.

Correction: "Hey! Where are you? We have reached to the mall" I asked

|- ①⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs Fᴏʀ ᴘʟᴏᴛ ᴛᴡɪsᴛs ᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴛᴛʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ.

-5/10

There wasn't any plot twist but the flow of story itself was kinda attractive. The snatching bag part and bully was unexpected, the author does get thrilling or tense scene ideas and that's what makes the readers feel at edge due to excitement or concern.

|- ①⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴs ᴀɴᴅ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ᴅᴇᴠᴇʟᴏᴘᴍᴇɴᴛ.

-4/10

Y/N,

There is some dilemma whether Y/N is strong or not because she is someone who went through a lot in her life so she learned karate too but still she couldn't even protect herself from bullies again. It's like all her efforts got wasted but I like how she snapped Mina at the shopping mall. I salute her bravery during that, it seems like she is good at answering back rather than physical.

Sarah,

You didn't introduce who Sarah was in the first chapter so the reader might get confused thinking it's her sister instead of housemate. Sarah was truly a great friend but I didn't understand the purpose of her character in the story as she left and went to Australia in the end.

Jimin,

Jimin got comfortable with Y/N too early. You made Y/N an introverted and shy girl who has problems making friends so don't you think their relationship escalated pretty quickly? Besides Jimin is different gender and moreover her crush so she should be super shy with him instead of warming up with him. And there should be a cliffhanger if Jimin loves her back or not? This kind of cliffhanger makes the reader keep going and reading the book because they are full of expectations but unfortunately you made Jimin very obvious about his feelings that everyone knows he likes her back. Of course, He can be nice to her like he usually does but there should be a hanging question or incomplete puzzle that if he genuinely likes her back or not.

Hoseok,

I don't understand why he have crush on Y/N but I can't wait to see the love triangle.

|- ①⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴠɪᴛʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡᴀʏ ᴏғ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ.

-4/10

The writing should be very detailed, smooth, easy to read and understandable. Readers imagine everything the author writes so don't forget to write details instead of rushing things. If you ruin the imagination in the reader's mind then their mood also ruins, hence they lose their interest. By details I meant you have to describe feelings, place, appearances etc. For example, in the Chapter 4 you have to describe how library look like from character's eyes before writing ("it's really massive !" My eye widened). They were walking but then the library's sudden arrival is weird and surprising for readers who are still processing the walking part. You should also write "We finally arrive in front of the library door and then Jimin opens the door" to let readers know they actually arrived instead of surprising them.

How Y/N narrated Jimin's appearance in park wasn't a good description but the way she described him in the cafe was perfect. Also Hoseok shouldn't be narrating Y/N's appearance to himself, he should be watching her carefully and taking in every detail just like Y/N do it with Jimin.

Chapter 3,

You narrate he went back to his work but then you wrote Y/N and Jimin continued talking. This way readers will mix up their imagination and might get confused too.

Chapter 10,

Jessica: "Hey! what happened ? You mood off today ." She asked calmly

Y/N : "........" I didn't responded. 

Reviewer:- You need to stop writing dialogues using text or messages method. You have write just one complete dialogue and mention their names in the action tag such as 

"Hey! What happened? Your mood seems bit off today..." Jessica asked calmly but I didn't respond. 

Chapter 11,

What she mean , ' he doesn't love me ' I mouthed

Reviewer: You didn't have to underline the mouthed dialogues or thoughts. Just a single quotation mark (') is enough to indicate these things.

Chapter 11,

When the bully threw Y/N on the floor, I thought they threw her in the middle of the auditorium. How did the wall appear out of nowhere in the large free space of the auditorium? And they should carry her to the clinic right? But if school was off, they should have at least treated her wounds.

Avoid using or repeating the same words over and over again because it becomes cliche and the writing loses its taste. For example In chapter 10, "I told Bye to Jessica and started walking , as I was walking I heard someone calling my name, I stopped walking and turned back, It was Jimin . He came running toward me."

Reviewer: Here you wrote "walking" numerous times.

I suggest the author read fanfiction of famous writers to learn their vocabulary and writing style.

|- ①⓪ ᴍᴀʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴘɪɴɪᴏɴ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴏᴋ.

-6/10

Your book is really good if you work hard on your writing skills. Take time to improve and keep writing because one day you will definitely become a good writer. Don't feel demotivated due to mistakes because that's how you grow in this field.

Total marks: 39/100