a/n; do vote and comment as it will motivate me! slightly longer chapter today

—

After the stunt that Silas pulled off, he was forbidden to step out of his room.

Simply speaking, the crown prince had been grounded. The Emperor had caught wind of the incident, and to people's surprise, he had taken action and had forced Silas to stay inside his room and not venture outside.

There was strange tension between you and Silas. He clung onto you madly, but refused to utter a single world to you. It tugged on your heartstrings when you saw how desperate he was to bask in your presence, and yet you saw how Silas didn't impart a single word to you, for he now deemed you as a traitor.

Your feelings of anger had slowly simmered. Would it have been better to clear up the misunderstanding? Then again, Silas had been the one to jump so recklessly into conclusions, so really, it had been both of your faults. You had once prided yourself on always communicating well with Silas — on always ensuring that you two would maintain a healthy relationship — but now, the tables had turned.

Silas was giving you the silent treatment. At least, you assumed he was. At times the prince opened his mouth to say something, but then pain would flicker over his features, and he would swallow down his words. Meanwhile, you continued to speak to him in hushed tones, trying to assure him that you...

Weren't leaving.

You wouldn't leave until he healed, at least.

But now you were heavily conflicted: which path was better for you? Could you trust Silas to not go ballistic the minute you left? Could you trust Silas to not go crazy if you stayed? Perhaps your father had been right all along. Perhaps this mess wouldn't have happened if you had placed a distance between you and Silas.

But oh, you were so greedy. Without Silas, you felt like your insides had been scooped out and you were left to hang on aimlessly on the clothesline. Without Silas, you felt empty — you had left every piece of yourself in him, you had entrusted him your heart — and now you didn't know what to do if you left him.

How pathetic, wasn't it? You had selfishly made Silas your constant, and so had Silas. You could not function without him, and he could not live without you. You had attached yourself to him too much, too long — too fast — and now your souls were intermingled with each other, for better or for worse.

You wondered if it was the latter.

Before you met Silas, you remembered feeling annoyed that no one could understand you. Your mother had been extremely close to you then, but you realized that she didn't understand your desire to be loved. You had seen all your cousins around laughing and chatting with their fathers, but when you looked at your father, who would be there with an expressionless face.

You started to blame yourself for things you couldn't control. You strived to be understood by someone; to be made sense by another. No one knew your intentions, and you were forced to grapple with his merciless, hard truth.

Before you met Silas, you had accepted this. But now that Silas was here, and now that Silas had given you this understanding...

How could you ever revert back to your normal life? What would you do without him?

Perhaps Silas wasn't ignoring you. You suspected that he simply had no more words to express. In his mind, you were leaving, after all. Silas did not want to say farewell, nor bid goodbye. He was convinced that that would only make the separation more vivid and real.

"Never pull something like that again," you spoke quietly, your head resting on the blankets of Silas's bed. The prince had been adamant on you being by his side, and whilst he flipped a book in bed, you sat on a chair with your head resting on the blankets. "You gave me a heart attack."

You observed the wound. It was much better now, and was mending quickly. Silas didn't respond to your words but flipped an page again.

But this time, his hand reached out to yours and Silas clasped it tightly.

You looked up at him, your eyes flickering to his face. You waited for him to speak, but there was an indecipherable expression on his face. Was his thoughts of you changing? Were you no longer his loved one, his number one confidant, his beloved friend? Perhaps that had been replaced with the word traitor. You knew where his betrayal came from: you had been the one who had promised Silas that you would stay by his side always, and now...

To leave, or to not leave, you thought hopelessly, I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. I didn't even know such an incident could happen.

It had been about a day and a half since that incident. As far as you knew, your mother was waiting at the guest rooms anxiously to hear news of you. And here you were, taking your own sweet time just to be with Silas.

You had seen an earnest question in your mother's eyes when she had visited you. Who would you choose, Y/n? His Highness, or me? You had seen that query blazing in her eyes, and yet it had not been voiced out. She did not want to hear the answer, and neither did you.

You both know who you would have chosen, and you were terribly ashamed of that.

Silas spoke. He spoke very softly, like he was trying to repress his emotions. He spoke very flatly, like he was trying to measure his tone. Like he was making it so that he didn't speak in too harsh of a tone.

"I never should have met you."

Your heart dropped and your head drooped. You did not dare to face his eyes and merely stared at his fingers interlaced around yours, wondering when he would pull away. But still, his heartbeat thrummed beneath your fingers.

Your lips felt wobbly and wrong as they opened to give him an incoherent stammer. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean that in a bad way — don't apologize, Y/n. I just...I'm sorry, Y/n." Silas's voice was strangled, like he was barely getting the words out. "I don't know anymore. I know you lied to me, Y/n. I know you're leaving me. And I know you must think of me as some crazed, mad person — some suicidal emotional teenager who went and caused problems for everyone. But that was the only thing I managed to think of at that moment, Y/n. That was the only way that I thought would prevent you from leaving me."

"So you would have rather not met me because of that? Because of your fears, you would have completely disregarded those golden years we spent with one another?" You asked him slowly, "is that what you're telling me?"

"No," Silas shook his head. You were peeking at him then, unable to gauge his expressions. "But the thing is, Y/n. If I had never met you, I would never have known the feeling of losing someone so precious to me. If I had never met you, I wouldn't feel so...wretched, Y/n."

You were silent before you spoke. "You would have been in misery without me either way. Do you know what a lonely child you were?"

"Did you befriend me because of pity?"

"What do you think? There was very little that I could have done to prevent you from killing me. But Silas, I wanted to help you. And I was terribly lonely myself. So I wanted to turn you into my companion."

"You succeeded," Silas said bitterly. "I can't live without you. Not at all. I don't know. Maybe I would have been less emotional — less mad if I didn't become quite so attached to you. But do you get it, Y/n? You are ingrained in me; you are part of me. You have spent years by my side and I have spent years waking up to see your face."

"You would have been wretched either way —"

"Love brings on a different kind of wretchedness." Silas told you. "And that wretchedness...it makes me feel too much. It makes me feel too bitter; too jealous; too upset. I love you very much, Y/n, which is why I think sometimes that perhaps it would have been better if..." he trailed off.

There it was again. More ifs.

"When I first met you, I wondered to myself: how long will it take for him to leave me? But then as the years passed, you stuck right by my side. You humored me and placated me. I thought you would be irritated by my jealousy, but instead you teased me for me. You were fond of me; and I could see that. I loved that fondness. It assured me and made me realize that this dependency was not one sided. But now I realize it only took you three years in the palace to betray me."

"Do you know what?" You decided to speak up, taking a small risk — "you misinterpreted everything. I was going to visit my mother, Silas. Temporarily. For just a brief moment. And I always thought you didn't care about the worthless rumors flitting around in the palace, but —"

"I care when it comes to you!"

" — but you listened to them. You didn't trust me enough to know that I wouldn't leave you. You jumped to conclusions, and look what that resulted in. A grounding, a stab wound, and a stupid fight —!"

"Is this a fight, Y/n?" Silas asked softly.

You gave a humorless laugh. "Well, you gave me the silent treatment. Maybe."

"So you are leaving, after all. Are you doing it out of spite?"

A jab of cruelty pierced your heart and you were terrified by it.

"I don't know." You said at last. "Look, my mother and I merely spoke about visits. I defended your name against her. I told her that I would only visit her occasionally, because I would choose you. But when I came to you, you didn't allow me to finish my sentence. You heard the rumors, you allowed your paranoia to outweigh your trust for me, and you hurt yourself in the process. And guess what? I realized something, Silas. I realized that you're too unhealthily obsessed with me."

"I told you I was right. I told you, Y/n, that I love you more than you love me. Because if you loved me equally, you..."

"What," you said incredulously, "I would stab myself to make you stay?"

Silas tilted his head. "Yes. I thought you would understand me, Y/n."

"I do. You're the one who's making it difficult."

"Do you know why I allowed my paranoia to outweigh my trust for you, Y/n?"

You stayed silent. You were tired. You didn't want to fight with Silas. You wanted to tangle your fingers into Silas's hair like you always did. You wanted to crack jokes with him. You wanted to laugh with him, treat this like it was one all stupid joke.

"You have your mother to go to. Silvia, even. But I have no one, Y/n. Do you know how terrifying it was for me to hear that you would be leaving? Do you know how easy it was for my judgment to be clouded by the pure fear that racked my body? Do you know, Y/n, how it felt for me when —" Silas closed his eyes painfully and exhaled. "—if you leave, I will have no one, Y/n. I'll be trapped here. I'll rot."

"How do I know that you won't pull such nonsensical actions again?" You asked him. "Because I have a feeling that you'll continue to do those kind of things without remorse."

"You used to brush them away like they were nothing."

"I'm talking about hurting yourself, Silas. I'm talking about doing reckless and dangerous things just to get your own way. I'm talking about you knowing that I would do anything and everything for you and using that to your advantage."

Silas stared at you for a moment. You didn't break your gaze away, and that resulted in uncomfortable silence hanging between the both of you.

In the end, Silas opened his mouth to speak. "You do that too."

"Really? Do I?" You couldn't help but smile sardonically, "as far as I recall, I've never threatened to kill myself or stabbed myself. I've never taken advantage of you."

"You haven't stabbed yourself," Silas agreed, "but you've done other stuff too. I know you like it when I'm jealous because it affirms my affections for you. I know you, Y/n. Even if I kill a person right in front of your eyes, if I simply say that I was jealous — you would come right over and kiss me on the cheek."

"So you are taking advantage of that," you said wryly.

Silas shrugged. "I like that aspect about you. But look, Y/n, we both took advantage of each other. When we first met, yes, I took advantage of you, thinking that you would be a useful pawn in the future. And you too, were taking advantage of me by using me to fill in your loneliness — by ignoring everything I did to fill in your empty void. And see how those things turned out. We do love each other. It turned out to be genuine. We got naturally close with one another."

"Too close," you gave a small, mirthless smile. "Does the severity of the situation not worry you, Silas? Does your inability to do anything without me make you concerned?"

Silas's purple eyes seemed to gleam. "No, not at all."

"So the only thing you worry about is my absence."

"Precisely that." Silas studied you. "But some part of you likes that, don't you? You like having someone so attached to you. You like having someone so intimate with you. Someone who adores you so much that they would —"

"Keep quiet," you interrupted him, finding yourself lashing out at him before retreating, "just...don't say anything."

"Everything was fine just two days ago," Silas mused.

"Before you did what you did." You muttered, "before I truly opened my eyes."

"It was bound to happen anyway," Silas said quietly, "but I'm happy it happened now. It's still remediable. Our relationship can still be fixed. You love me too much to ever get angry at me. You will love me despite my blatant atrocities because I've grown up with you, Y/n. You will refuse to believe that I'm wrong because you have depended on me my whole life. I used you at first, Y/n. But you used me too. You used me to escape from your parents. From your unhappiness."

"You know me very well, don't you," you murmured bitterly. "You're right. Even now, I'm trying to muster up feelings of anger, of rage — but I'm more sorrowful than anything. I'm scared, Silas."

"You know I would never hurt you," Silas chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes imploring. "You know that, Y/n."

"I'm more scared of what I feel for you. My love for you will ruin me. I will always choose you. I will always forgive you. You will always be loved by me."

You buried your head in your hands. You thought of the gem that Silas had gifted you. You had yet to place it anywhere, and now it was growing a dusty layer. Time to time again, you would feel nostalgic, and you would dig it out from your drawer laden with trinkets and look at it. You wondered briefly, if Silas remembered the promises that came with it.

"I'm sorry," Silas said humbly. "I'm truly sorry, Y/n."

"You're saying it because you know that's what I want to hear, you sly prince," you managed to crack a weak smile.

"And does it make you happy to hear that?"

You shook your head. "Tired. I don't like arguing with you, Silas."

"Me neither."

"But you'll continue to be angry with me, as long as you believe I'm leaving." You told him.

"Are you? You avoided my question just now."

You looked at him directly in the eyes. "What do you think, Silas? What would curb these feelings better?"

"I think if you left," Silas admitted, "those feelings would become even worse."

"Is that what you truly think?"

"Yes. I think — no — I know that I would grow to loathe the world. I would grow to hate everything around me, because I would no longer be able to see the beauty in them. With you, Y/n, I could appreciate things. I could look at flowers and remember the names and the meanings of them. I could look at the sunset and think of you. But without you —" he swallowed. "Without you, the world would be dismal and cold, and my heart would freeze."

Silas felt the same as you. Even when the prince was gone, you would feel a flutter of resentment towards the world. You would feel the colors dim, the light shining on your face and making a mockery of your loneliness. How had you entangled yourself in Silas's soul so messily?

"If I leave," your voice wobbled, "I would return. Do you know that, dear Silas?"

"But you don't have to leave."

"After what I saw from you, I don't know what to expect anymore. If I stay..." you let out a huff. "Well, if I stay, there's no telling what you'll do. But if I leave — I'm more horrified by the things you'll do if I leave. But my mother waits anxiously for me to return. My relatives at home do. My cousins. I miss my home, Silas."

"I thought you said this was your home," Silas whispered achingly.

"It is. It was you, Silas, who made it so. You made it hospitable for me. But I still seek parental love. My father cannot offer that to me, and so I will visit my mother. And naturally, I am a rather melancholic person. I yearn to see what lies in my home now. " you turned and offered him a soft smile. "And I hope to bring you to my home one day, too, to see where I was raised."

"How long?" Silas queried desperately, "how long will you be gone?"

"You will take care of yourself, right?" You hummed. "No pulling these tricks. No hurting yourself. If you feel lonely, read my journal from time to time."

"How long?"

Four years? Five years? Six years?

You adored Silas, but with the light of current events, the palace was closing its walls down on you. You needed an escape from this place. With your father's words imprinted on you, the memories that haunted you, and the impending divorce between your parents. With this. Maybe you hated yourself a little bit for indirectly hurting Silas. Maybe you were being selfish again and placing a distance between you and Silas so you wouldn't see his wounds or the hurt that you had caused. Maybe you had been slightly convinced by your mother to run away, to fly for the hills.

"Give me a timeline, then," you asked him.

"One day," Silas said stubbornly.

"Oh, heavens, no," you shook your head.

"Then?" Silas immediately demanded, "you know I will die without you."

"You won't." You smiled.

"How do you know that?"

"Because you won't die knowing that I'm alive, somewhere. You would want to die by my side. So as long as I stay alive, you will be alive. No matter how long it is."

Silas muttered a tiny curse under his breath.

"As much as I don't like to admit it, you and I — we have fooled around too much these few years. My father went through a grueling few years for training, and yet look at us. Playing around, still acting like kids...I am preventing you, Silas, from not realizing your full potential."

"That's —"

"You are born with a great amount of talent," you said flatly, "talent that I envy. Talent that I will never reach no matter how hard I work. And I want to see that blossom. I want you to become the greatest Emperor in history, and my loyalty will belong to the strongest person in the world. I refuse to serve a lazy, useless Emperor."

Silas tilted his head. "I am not lazy, neither am I useless."

"I know. But you could be the greatest if you simply tried. And yes, Silas, if I left, you would be furious. But you would work hard to earn me back. And when I come back, everything will be set in stone. We will be happy. Much, much happier," you squeezed your arm. "Leaving you is as painful as it is for me than you. But I think I have to punish myself a little, for allowing this to happen. I will force myself to leave you, and that would be for the best."

"I don't get your logic. I really don't. You always preached for your own happiness, so why are you willingly taking it away from yourself right now?"

"Did you know?" You asked Silas. "When I was eight, you taught me mana casting. And it was the first time I pulled off such a marvelous casting. And guess how I did it? It was not through being happy, Silas, or fooling around. It was my utter misery — and your teaching, of course — that made me succeed. I have long learned that true sorrow and misery brings results."

You sounded just like your father now, and a little nausea swarmed in your stomach.

Silas didn't respond. You tried for another crueler, more effective tactic.

"Listen to me, Silas. I will forgive you if you listen to me. I will stop being angry at you. So I ask you: allow me to leave. Six years, maybe. Five years. We will exchange letters. We will keep in touch. But we will also work hard individually — we will make sure that we can function on our own. Because Silas, listen — there will always be the possible scenario that I will die before you. And I want to know that you will be able to live without me if that comes."

"I won't be able to," Silas swallowed. "And you won't die."

"But you will learn to. This is horrific, Silas. We can't live our whole lives being so dependent on each other to the point of death. Business trips and future travels. What if we are separated then? Are you saying you'll kill yourself? In the long run, there's a lot of problems this could bring. We need to learn how to be our own people."

"I can't."

"I haven't been my own person for a very long time. I've forgotten how it's like to be myself, because I've been entrapped by you for so long." You murmured, "and I want you to carve your own existence into this world, too."

"Six years," Silas choked out, "that's terrifyingly long, isn't it."

"It is." You agreed.

"You will write me letters," Silas asked you desperately, "you will, won't you? And please, Y/n, please visit me. Please."

Silas was convinced that you were punishing him. He had stabbed himself. And now you were showing him the consequences of his actions. Silas had been so foolish in this blunder — now he realized that he should have killed a servant, instead of stabbing himself. It was funny how you would overlook his murders, and yet become so furious when it came to his injuries.

Six years. That was twice the amount of years that he had survived without you.

Two thousand, one hundred and ninety five days of pure gloom.

How could Silas prolong your stay here? How could he —

"Of course I will," you softened, "I love you, Silas. Go rest, okay? Close your eyes."

If you did love me, Silas thought, you wouldn't be leaving me.

Yes, Silas understood your reasoning. But love — wasn't it meant to defy all reason? Why did you have to be all logical and cold hearted now?

Silas's fists curled and he gave you an innocent smile. He relished in your touch and promised himself that he would make sure you stayed here as long as possible — until you forgot about those silly little six years where you would leave him. Your mother would have to leave eventually, and if he prolonged this long enough, there was a chance that you would forget.

"I love you too, Y/n."

—

When you stepped outside of the room for a breather, you bumped into Silvia.

It was rather awkward at first, for you had not seen her for quite a while.

"Ah," you nodded your head politely, wondering if the weariness was leaking out of your voice. "Long time no see, Silvie."

Silvie. If only you knew what that little nickname did to Silvia's heart. Why were you so sweet and gentle? If you were cruel, then she would never have had a crush on you in the first place. Silvia almost wished that you would be mean and rude to her.

Silvia twiddled her thumbs. Truthfully, she had simply been assigned to work here, but belatedly, she had realized that this was where the crown prince resided. She felt like a fool. After those years of talking with both Silas and you, Silvia had never been to the prince's room. After all those years being friends with you two — she was still an outsider. She always was.

Silvia had long realized that she didn't belong in your world that revolved around Silas.

"Hi," she managed to speak. Silvia wondered if the Emperor could see her speaking to you. "Is His Highness okay?"

You sighed. "Ah, yes. A lot better. He'll make a good recovery soon."

Silvia frowned. "You seem a little out of it, Y/n."

"A little tired," you admitted. "There's this whole issue, and then there's my mother visiting..."

Silvia looked surprised — you had never really said much about your parents before. "Oh! She visited? Are you close with your parents?"

You blinked. "Yeah, I am." You smiled lightly.

You didn't know why you were lying. Your parents were getting divorced. Maybe you were just trying to avoid looks of pity.

...Is he really? Silvia couldn't help but wonder. She was astute — she had seen that look of bitterness enshrouding your features when she had hugged her mother. Almost like you were wistful, somewhat, of something you didn't have.

"Ah, that's nice," Silvia said, though her tone seemed a little forced. She looked at you oddly, and you wondered if she knew you were lying. "I heard about what caused His Highness's injury."

"Have you, now?"

"Yes," she murmured. "He got stabbed by an assassin. Was nearly killed. Are you alright?"

"Silas was the one who was stabbed, not me."

"Yes, but, well," Silvia chewed on her lip, "you got hurt."

"Hurt? I have no wounds," you laughed, "just tired, that's all. I told you."

It felt like you had repeated the word tired numerous times today. Ironically, you were tired of that.

"Like emotionally hurt," Silvia pressed on, "rest well, Y/n. Don't take things too hard. His Highness will make a splendid recovery!"

"Ah, yes," you nodded your head. "Thanks, Silvia. I'll be going now. Work hard." You softened and gave her a gentle smile. The tips of her ears grew red, and that did not go unnoticed by you. Even after a few years had passed, she still nursed a crush on you.

Well, that crush was bound to go away the minute she met a better man. You didn't want Silvia to have a crush on you. You wanted her to love someone more genuine, someone better — someone who wasn't constantly pretending and masquerading around as someone sweet or kind. The conversation with Silas had forced you to see that there was coldness festering beneath your skin, running through your veins.

Silvia realized that your words were like a blockage. You were closing the seal, placing a distance between her and you.

Silvia weakly nodded her head and stared at your silhouette as you walked away.

She noticed that you were almost tilting off axis, like you were about to fall and trip on the boardwalks of life.

—

A week and a half passed, but to your chagrin, Silas didn't seem to be making good recovery. You would peer at his wounds, uttering words beneath your breath, aghast.

I swear this would have been healing wonderfully, was what you would mumble, but heavens — it's even worse than before. I could have sworn I asked them to do stitches; but...

Maybe deep down, you knew what Silas was doing. But you didn't want to confirm it. You didn't want to assume the worst again, and you didn't want to think of the lengths that Silas would go to just so he would keep you with him.

A healer came up to you one day and spoke to you in hushed tones. Frankly speaking, he was overworked, and you felt a little sorry for him.

"...His wounds are taking pretty long to heal, aren't they," you opened up a conversation. "I fear that they'll take a month to heal at this rate."

The healer looked at you warily. "Sir Y/n," he started tentatively, "have you noticed his wounds? It's like his —"

"Like it's getting worse? Yeah, I've noticed."

"Sir Y/n," the healer spoke again, looking grave and anxious. "His Highness has been opening his wound daily so he wouldn't heal. He's been tearing them open viciously, then..."

You stilled. That had been the truth that you didn't want to hear. That in the shadows, Silas was still orchestrating a plan to keep you by his side. He was still —

You couldn't blame him. After all, it had been you who had said you would disappear for six years. And part of you wondered if the plan would work too well, and you would become strangers to each other — part of you wondered if Silas would grow to loathe you in those six years. You wondered if you would remember his touch, his words, his voice.

You would be twenty one then, and Silas would be nineteen. You were always so afraid of turning into an adult, and yet now it was looming ahead of you.

Your mother was growing jittery and anxious.

You were growing scared.

The conversation with the healer reminded you of what needed to be done. You packed up your things without warning, and swiftly left the palace without informing Silas. You left a small note by the side, but you had forgotten to leave your journal to him.

Silas spiralled impossibly further the day you left. Silas would look at Elias, in that golden cage of his, and the prince would wonder why he had never caged you. Then guilt would fill his heart, and he would stare at the mirror, wondering which part of him had made you run away from him. He knew deep down, that it was his obsession. But now Silas could not think properly — he was consumed by thoughts of you.

You were oblivious to the future you had just created. Unknowingly, your absence for six years should cause a cosmic shift in your life.

—

errrr i can low key can smell the hate for y/n coming a mile away whoops. hopefully that isn't the case or anything because there's reasons behind his actions (and also a stupid excuse for me to finally do the adult time skip amirite)

y/n loves silas the same. Silas does not love him more — y/n is just a lot less reckless in his love and also a lot more logical and has somewhat of a warped reasoning of the world due to his father's words lol.

y/n does know there's a chance of silas going more ballistic and wild because of his leave of absence for such a long time, but well, that's a risk he's willing to take, because y/n's absolutely hell bent on Silas learning to be away from him. And his leave of absence stems from another selfish part of him that I wrote out earlier — he wants to become his own person, again. Y/n's own attachment to Silas frightened him and him leaving is like forcing himself to go to therapy or something lol. So yes, this decision is extremely painful for him, but in Y/n's eyes, it's extremely necessary.

don't hate me too much for this decision to separate them... because... in the following chapters you can get certain jaded messed up couple woops

i hope everyone enjoyed it! Remember to add to your library for updates and vote if you haven't!

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