a/n; don't be a silent reader! remember to vote and comment because it greatly motivates me! thank you all for the wonderful support!

—

Silas found relief in the fact that Silvia's schedule didn't align with yours. While you and Silas were practically attached to the hip because your job required you to serve him, Silvia had to run around the place doing odd jobs.

"Silvia isn't here," he told you as you sat down, looking around in confusion. "Last I saw her, she was doing the laundry. Seems like she made a bunch of new friends, though."

"Oh?" You blinked your eyes, smiling, "that's good for her, isn't it?"

Silas seemed pleased that Silvia had made new friends. Maybe Silas did hold affections for Silvia after all! Maybe your plan had worked — you had been worried since Silas didn't seem too fond of Silvia.

"You're pleased," you noted, "does this mean you're slowly liking her? She's a sweet girl, Silas."

And she likes you, Silas thought inwardly. That had made him bitter. Silas had been your friend first, so technically, he was first in line. And Silvia was the same age as him, which made it even more annoying. To top it off, on your first meeting with her, you had already given her a nickname.

"Maybe," Silas offered an ambiguous answer, choosing not to say anything. "But does this mean we don't have to hang around her anymore? After all, her mother did say that you only needed to accompany her until she got the hang of things. And from the looks of it, she has. Why do we still need to talk to her?"

You gave a soft sigh. So you were wrong, after all. Silas was still jealous. You ruffled his hair and looked pointedly at him. "Because we're her friends, Silas. How would you feel if I suddenly stopped talking to you?"

"...Upset," Silas murmured, "Angry. Furious. Disappointed. Bitter —"

"Woah," you laughed, "that's a lot of adjectives. Nice to know how much I mean to you."

"How much do I mean to you?"

"Oh, Silas," you softened, "you saved my life. You mean a lot to me. So you don't have to ever worry about me abandoning you."

"She likes you, Y/n."

Yeah, you had noticed.

"It's a childhood crush. She'll get over it soon," you said flippantly, "I can't just ostracize her because she has a few tiny feelings, right?"

"...I suppose so."  Yes, you can.

Silvia wasn't all that bad in Silas's opinion. She cared about you, which was a good thing. She happened to have a penchant for baking, and Silas liked that, too. Plus, Silvia treated Silas well and had given the both of you two little cards with your names in cursive. So really, Silas didn't hate Silvia.

Silas had already expected that your sweet personality would attract people from the very start. He expected it, but it was never pleasant to see it unfold in front of his eyes.

But here was the thing: no matter how tolerable Silvia was, Silas had the urge to eliminate any threats standing before him. But for now, Silvia's cinnamon rolls were delaying that decision.

"It's not bad having her around. She's kind and she's funny at times. Don't you enjoy it when there's three of us around?"

Silas would have enjoyed anything as long as you were there.

"Not as much as I would have liked it if there were only the two of us around," Silas said after a short pause. "It's been really long since it's been the two of us."

A few months had passed since Silvia had met the two of you. You were amazed at how time had slipped by so fast: it would be the end of the year soon, and each day Silas was closer to becoming a teenager. Your birthday had been celebrated with the two of your friends, and while Silas had managed to get his hands on an obscenely expensive gift, Silvia had provided the trio with an assortment of baked goods to enjoy. Similarly, for Silas's birthday, you made a little sculpture of Elias and Daisy. Both you and Silas saved up to buy a pretty necklace for Silvia.

Each day was better. Your heart ached when you were reminded of your mother, but soon, you grew the courage to avert your eyes from the pile of letters she sent. You loved and missed her dearly, but you were too scared to see the content of the letters. So instead, you poured your heart into your work, spending hours and hours trying to learn the lessons the tutor gave. Silas was more naturally gifted, and was relaxed and carefree about them. He showed up to lessons with his homework undone, and yet would get perfect marks on a quick. Meanwhile, you had to work your hardest to get to where you were.

You and Silas roped Silvia into the activities the two of you often did: star-gazing, flower-picking, swimming in the waters with your clothes on. You later discovered that Silvia was like a fish in the water — unlike you, she could open her eyes underwater. You remembered attempting to do that and shrieking.

The servants adored you. You remembered achingly, the feel of Kate's hand on your head, whispering; there is nothing stronger than a soft soul, Y/n. And you have a  soft, sweet soul.

There was nothing stronger than a soft soul. Did that mean your decision had been right, then? Were you right to placate others, to put them before you? Were you right to always be kind, sweet, no matter the circumstances? Who was right — your father, or Kate?

Kate was like a mother to you now. You envied Silvia tremendously. You were scared for her, actually: you wanted to tell her to treasure the moments she had with her mother, lest her mother turn on her.

You could not trust Silvia completely. You wanted to, but you could not. You had been betrayed once. What if Silvia turned her back on you? What if Silvia —

Silvia was dear to you. She had feelings for you, and you were flattered by them — you were flattered to know that in some way, you were appealing to someone. You were wanted. You were not some lame piece to be discarded by the sidewalk — someone wanted you.

You were sure that her crush on you would slip away, though. It was a childhood infatuation. It could not even be called a first love. It was merely puppy love at its finest. Your friendships with Silas and Silvia fluctuated between flippant, careless jokes, earnest, raw vulnerability, and deep affection. You would pet Silvia on her head, braid her hair into pretty hairstyles, and draw with her. Similarly with Silas, you braided his hair too, and would be astounded at how pretty your friends seemed to be. Silas liked holding your hand and so you would allow the warmth of your fingers to seep into his own.

You thought, sometimes, of the memories encased in your head, of eight year old you and six year old Silas. You never voiced them out for fear of making Silvia feel left out, but gods, you missed them so. You missed the life you had lived then.

You tried to pour out all your memories from your brain; to empty that part, but all you would remember was a garden. Of the tree carvings you two made, still in Silas's room, of Silas's first mango where he had gotten his hands all sticky and yellow, and you had to wipe his hands clean. Of Elias being made (who was nuzzling your neck now), of the secrets you had shared. There were so many things you and Silas had done, but you feared that the only remainder of them in the future would be a dried up garden.

You wanted the garden to be in full bloom, forever.

You wanted to make more memories with them, before they slipped away from you, before they turned their back on you like your mother had. Before they abandoned you like your father had.

Your father had stopped talking to you completely. You missed even the times he would yell at you; at least he cared, somehow, and that was very precious to you. At least...

Now you were completely alienated from your family. You could not even form letters to your mother. There was something false about your letters, anyway, they seemed too childish, too vulnerable — there was too much begging.

You never had to beg for love with Silas around. He fed it to you readily, his words were soft, sweet, gentle.

"We should go to that spot in the gardens," Silas murmured when you didn't speak. You had leaned your head on his shoulder — it was comfortable, considering you were much taller than him. Not for long, anyway, he was shooting up. "The place where we first met. How long ago was that?"

"Nearly six years," you whispered.

"Are you sad, Y/n?" Silas glanced at you. "You look upset."

"Melancholic, that's all," you gave a small smile. "It's been a lovely couple of months. I..."

I don't want to lose you.

"Remember the story I read to you the first year we met?" You asked him.

"Story? There was a lot."

"The one with the three pigs and the big bad wolf."

"Yeah," Silas nodded his head, "why?"

"You used to hold your breath when we went back to the palace because you thought you would knock the house down if you weren't being careful," you giggled. "Remember that?"

Silas flushed. "And I remember how you shrieked when a bird flew into our window and split open its stomach."

"Ugh! There was blood everywhere, Silas!" You huffed, "that's gross."

Silas was amused. Did you forget that you had met him drenched in blood? And plus, you had tried to nurse it back to health, but it had already died. So you had held a tiny funeral for it.

"What about when the ice was thin and you were so terrified of breaking it?

"It was a real fear," Silas answered, "it could have killed me."

"Yeah, that's true," you gave a wistful sigh.

"Why are you suddenly reminiscing about everything?" Silas looks at you curiously. "It's so out of the blue."

"I feel like things changed a lot this year. I remember things about my childhood. My childhood was like a play, Silas. Like I was performing in front of my parents. Hoping for applause or something...but then I never had to do that around you," you shot him a dazzling smile. "I'll always hold gratitude in my heart for that. You could betray me, stab me with a dagger —"

"What's with all those weirdly specific examples?"

"Just trying to exaggerate to prove my point," you laughed, "my point is, you saved me. So it wouldn't matter what you did — I would always be grateful to you."

"Does it work that way?"

"Depends on who you are, really," you told Silas. "But I mean, once someone saves your life, you'll always be in their debt. They could do whatever thing they wanted to do, and yet..well, I don't know. My father told me these words. It was one of the few times I really listened to him. But what I'm trying to say is that I have infinite tenderness for you — I always will, for my whole life."

"...You saved me too. I suppose I'm in your debt forever, Y/n." Silas said quietly, "it goes both ways."

"So we have a life-long pact, basically," Silas relaxed. "Well; that's what your job entails, isn't it?"

"I'm lucky to serve someone I actually like. Imagine if it was someone I didn't like..." you shivered. "That would be terrible, wouldn't it?"

Silas thought of you serving others. That was a nightmare. In fact, that —

"I'm jealous," Silas said after a while.

You choked on the berry you had just popped into your mouth. "By a thought? Silas, you're mad!" You said, flabbergasted. "You can't be asking me to kiss you, right?"

"I don't know. Jealousy is a horrible thing," Silas glanced at you, "it's making me feel terrible."

You frowned. "Fine, then." You bent down and kissed Silas, this time on the forehead. He was getting tall, you noticed. He had been so small when he was six.

"Why the change of place?"

"You can't be picky now. My lips are a sacred thing."

"So you won't go around kissing people, right?" Silas asked hopefully.

"What do you think I am?" You said, aghast. "Of course not, Silas."

The prince pondered over it for a while. "Not even Silvia, right?"

"I don't know," you shrugged, "if she asks for you, I'll just give her one. A kiss is harmless."

The juice from the berry splattered to your attire. You gave a sigh as you saw how Silas had forcibly split the berry open — why was this boy so jealous? It was endearing, really, but such a hassle. You grabbed a piece of tissue and ignored the stain on your attire, instead dabbing the spot on his cheek that was now stained by blueberries.

"Next time, your future wife will be lucky to have such a jealous husband like you. You're jealous of thoughts, hypotheticals...really, Silas. There's no end. Now that I think of it, that instance you were stabbed — was it...?"

Fuck. Silas had to divert your attention. He fixed on his best smile and tilted his head, his voice lilting. "What do you mean a kiss is harmless?"

You were successfully diverted by the question. "It's just a show of affection. I like Silvia, I like you, so why not kiss the both of you?"

Silas narrowed his eyes. "No, who do you like more?"

"Both —"

"Honestly," Silas repeated, looking irked. He was nearly twelve — nearly reaching his teenage years. No wonder he was so jealous and moody at times. "Everyone has favorites."

You reddened and looked around. "I think you already know."

"No, I don't. I want to hear the answer from your mouth."

"Geez, so demanding!" You leaned towards him and slowly whispered, "it's you, Silas. You're my favorite person in the whole world."

Now Silas couldn't stop grinning ear to ear. "You too, Y/n. You're my favorite. Don't you still have the notes I wrote to you in your journal from when you were eight?"

Of course you did.  "I reread them constantly."

"You do? Well, I read the poem you make constantly."

"Don't," you said meekly, "it's embarrassing. I can probably make a better one now."

"Then make one when my birthday comes."

"You'll be turning officially eleven, won't you? Two more years till you become a teenager. Feel any different?"

"It's two years away, Y/n," Silas deadpanned, "I can't feel any different."

"Well, I did. Felt like they were rotten flowers blooming and growing in my mouth."

"How so?"

"Just..different. Like I was morphing into a different creature with different thoughts, with different problems hosted in my body. I started remembering things, started dwelling on them. I was born with my mother's face — I have her eyes. And I had always loved those eyes, until I remembered the anger in them." Your breath hitched. "And I kept thinking: will I grow up to be that angry too?"

"But you didn't. Yours as sweet as ever. In fact, you're kinder, Y/n. Wiser." Silas murmured. He was being honest.

You shook your head.

"My mother once said I remembered too much. I remembered cutting words, harsh actions, and yet I remembered very little about the good. I read one sentence in her letter, Silas. She asked me why I held onto those remarks with claw marks, why I didn't just let go — and do you know what I wanted to ask her?" You continued, giving a bitter, brittle laugh — Silas had not heard it before. "I wanted to ask her where I should have put those remarks down. Sure, if I didn't annotate them to memory, where would I put it? My heart? My soul? It was useless."

Silas stayed silent, drinking in your words. "But that won't happen for me. I've always had you."

"It won't happen to you," you promised, giving him a tiny smile. "I promise, Silas. Really. I wouldn't want you to feel the way I did then. I wouldn't want Silvia to feel the way I did then. But I promise you, Silas — I'll always be by your side, no matter what."

Your name was humming inside his chest. Silas felt like he had learned how to love, like he had learned how to live. And you had taught him all that.

This time, it was Silas who pressed a chaste, small kiss to your cheek. He let out a beautiful laugh.

"Okay."

—

"Doesn't Silvia remind you of a certain someone?" Casper lifted his eyes from the pile of documents and smiled cruelly at Ralph. "Doesn't she, my dear butler?"

"She's a little girl," Ralph shook his head. "She doesn't remind me of anyone. I have no daughter."

"Ah, yes. But you have a son you abandoned."

"Don't speak like —"

"Oh, but it's very different, isn't it?" Casper gave a careless shrug. "I never gave Silas anything to look forward to. I have no expectations to be a certain kind of father when I've never given Silas those expectations. You, on the other hand, abandoned your son right after giving him false hope. You yourself know that feeling. I myself know that feeling, after being betrayed by you."

Ralph bristled. "And how exactly did I betray you, Your Majesty?"

Casper started to laugh then. "Do you really not know?"

"If this is about my wife, then —"

"Always such a people pleaser," Casper crowed, interrupting Ralph, "hah. Saying yes to her and saying that you loved her just to placate her...were you that afraid of things changing? Were you so afraid of saying no to someone? You knew very well who your heart belonged to."

"You say all this like you didn't crush my soul," Ralph whispered.

"How so? When I went and married my wife? Oh, but that was different. You loved Sarah and had a child with her. While all I needed was an heir."

"That wasn't what I meant; and you know it."

"So why don't you tell me what I meant?"

Ralph gritted his teeth. "I meant that you should move on. Find another person. But you couldn't, could you?"

"How? You're the one who made me so attached to you. Didn't your father say that phrase to you? The one that you constantly repeat to your son? Ah...what was it? Right — kindness will kill you."

"And kindness did rot my soul."

"You got warned, didn't you? You didn't listen."

"Oh, please," Ralph scoffed. "I saved you, Your Majesty. If I wasn't kind to you, you would have died. You're still grieving the future we never had."

"No, not really," Casper smiled. "We're living it right now. Face it: you've abandoned your family for me. You chose me over them."

"I did."

"So what's the issue? Don't tell me you regret it?"

"You make it hard for me to say no to you."

"Then that's on you," Casper smiled sickly-sweet. "My dear butler, You can never stop feeling for someone. Even if the love turns into hatred, you are still feeling for them. Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin. The only way you could stop your feelings would be to kill them, but the very reason why we love is to sacrifice that safety and to love someone. You lie often to yourself. Even now, you lie and lie and lie."

"I am in your debt," Ralph murmured, "you saved my life once, didn't you? And now I will always be a little grateful to you. But listen, Your Majesty — I am who you made me to be. Filth teaches filth."

"And so what? In the end, you're lying, and I'm pretending. I'm pretending that you never loved that woman, I'm pretending that you've never married her, I'm pretending that I am enough to ever garner your attention. And again and again, I'll be forced to see the truth that you simply didn't. And guess what? The cycle repeats again."

"My son loves the prince. He would not choose Silvia over His Highness."

"That's what I thought once, too," Casper said lightly, "you didn't love her the way you loved me. And yet you were too afraid to say no when you were faced with her feelings. You thought things would be fine; you thought we could continue being the way we were. But that, Ralph, was the minute you started cheating emotionally on your wife. And she sensed that. And it grew even worse as your son grew up. And now you've destroyed your family. Even your son and wife's bond wasn't spared."

"Everything started from you," Ralph whispered. "I never should have become your friend."

"It's too late. It's really too late. You can't undo anything. Why, Ralph? What future did you envision? Who did you want to become and what have you done instead? You can go back to the past, but nothing will be there. You'll be alone, just like you were before me. Really, Ralph, how can you blame me when you were the one who invited me with open arms? How can you blame the wind for making a terrible mess when it was you opened the windows?"

"Stop," your father rasped out, "Your Majesty —"

"It's like you're entirely made up of fragments. You're not whole, not at all. You're like a sponge trying to soak up whatever emotions you have left."

"And who do you think destroyed me? You, Your Majesty. Do you ever feel sorry for that?"

Casper smiled. "I'm afraid not. After all, I got what I wanted, didn't I?"

—

i liked this chapter! phew...slowly getting out of my writing slump + mindset - hopefully next few chapters will be good, i can prewrote some scenes and im incredibly excited to release them!

<3 hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! remember to add to your library!

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