❝I think hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go.❞

NEIL GAIMAN

✩

4.3 : no matter what

OR

season 5, episode 9 : 100

(tw: blood, death, extreme sarcasm)

THE OFFICE IS DARK. The desk is made of dark wood, the walls are dark, and the windows are tinted. It's probably on purpose, Fin thinks, but it makes her want to fidget even more, and Queen of the Bitches probably wouldn't like that very much.

"Please state your name and rank for the record," says Strauss now, clasping her hands on the tabletop. Her nails are annoyingly perfect, filed evenly and painted pale pink.

"Supervisory Special Agent Hazel Finley," Fin says, quietly enough to annoy Strauss but not so quiet that the recorder in the middle of the table won't pick her up. She's pretty much a master at this. "Profiler for the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI."

"How long have you worked with the BAU?" asks Strauss evenly.

"Just over a year." Fin has to think for a moment, and she's surprised it's been that long. At the same time, it feels like she's known everyone all her life.

"And have you worked under SSA Aaron Hotchner during that year?" Strauss asks. It feels like she's looking for an angle here, trying to get Fin to say something she can use against Hotch.

"No. SSA Derek Morgan is our acting unit chief."

"And why is that?"

"Because SSA Hotchner thought that stepping down was the right decision."

Strauss stares piercingly at Fin, and Fin stares right back. She won't go back on her promise to defend Hotch, and if she gets suspended because of it, then damn it, she'll be suspended.

"How would you describe SSA Hotchner's behavior since the resurgence of George Foyet?" asks Strauss after a long silence, looking down at the file in her hands.

"He was focused on catching Foyet. We all were."

Strauss sighs and looks up. "I need an accurate representation of the past few months, Agent Finley. I can't do that with vague justifications."

Fin resists the urge to lean across the table and slap this bitch. Instead, she digs her fingernails into her palm and says, "SSA Hotchner had a personal connection to Foyet. But we all did. Foyet sent those letters to Karl Arnold specifically to target SSA Hotchner, and when one team member is targeted, we all are."

"Agent Jareau mentioned Foyet was dependent on certain medications," Strauss says, consulting her file again. "And that your technical analyst was searching for patients within the United States with his specific prescription combination. How did that go?"

✩

"So Penelope's tracking the drugs he can't substitute with over-the-counter meds?" Fin asks, crossing her arms, and Hotch nods. "So what does that leave us with?"

"Geographic profile." JJ clicks a button on her remote and pulls up a map on the screen. "The letters came from Fredericksburg and Westminster, which are approximately 115 miles apart. Why mail letters from two cities?"

"Maybe it's purely a forensic countermeasure," Morgan suggests, hands on his hips as he stares at the screen. "He knows that mailing letters close to home would lead us right to him, so he drives far away to mail the letters to throw us off his scent."

"Yeah, the Unabomber did that, and so did the 2001 anthrax suspect," says Spencer, who's sitting in the chair to Fin's left, hand resting on his cane. The doctor said he could use a cane instead of a crutch if he's diligent with his therapy, and Spencer was ecstatic about it. He practically ran all the way to the car–well, not literally, but you know.

"He could've gone anywhere, but he's trolling the D.C. area," Rossi says, frowning.

"Well, it makes sense to stay close to Hotch," Emily replies. "He stuck around Boston to watch Shaughnessy deteriorate." And then she realizes what she said and turns to Hotch. "Not that you're–"

"It's alright." If possible, Hotch is even more grim and unsmiling these days. Fin wishes it were professional to give your boss a hug, but it's not, and especially not with Hotch. "I know he's been watching me. It's part of the reason I stepped down, so he'd think I was falling apart."

"Okay, so what are we gonna do about the two cities?" asks JJ. "Usually we need three different points to get an accurate geographic profile."

"That's all we got right now," says Morgan softly, and Fin hates the defeated way he sounds.

"Gaithersburg, Rockville, D.C., Alexandria, Bowie, Annapolis..." Emily stares at the map, as if the answer will come to her the more she squints.

"Where the hell are you, Foyet?" Morgan shoves his hands deeper into his pockets, the expression on his face murderous at best.

The door to the conference room opens and Penelope enters hastily, carrying a laptop. "Okay, me and the boy found a thyroid medication that has no substitute over the counter. You've gotta get it from a pharmacist. But–" She sets the laptop on the table, leans over, and begins typing quickly– "a lot of people are on it."

"Find the midpoint between the two cities and isolate names in a twenty-five-mile radius," says Rossi firmly.

Penelope nods, then: "153 names."

"Well, he's not gonna use his own name," Morgan says matter-of-factly. "What kind of aliases should we be looking for?"

"He could've easily stolen someone's identity," Emily adds.

"No." Hotch shakes his head, flipping through the file in his hands, reminiscent of the visit to Arnold, what feels like years ago. "He's a narcissist in love with his own mythology. He'd use a name connected with the case."

"That bastard wants to taunt us as much as possible, so maybe a victim's name," Fin suggests, resting her hands on the back of Spencer's chair to hide the fact that they're shaking uncontrollably.

"Okay, let's check the Foyet files for a list of names, and..." Penelope frowns at the laptop screen as she types. "Nothing."

But Spencer's squinting at the evidence board they have shoved up against the wall, and then he stands up, leaning heavily on his cane. "Wait a minute, guys. Foyet likes things to have meaning to him. The Eye of Providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led us back to him..." He's writing Foyet's name in large blue letters on the board, obviously thinking hard. "Maybe he's doing the same thing with the alias."

"Like an anagram or something." Emily nods slowly, watching Spencer finish Foyet's name and begin crossing letters out, working an algorithm in his head.

"Spence, what are you seeing?" Fin crosses her arms over her chest, squinting at the evidence board.

"Nothing yet," Spencer mutters, pausing for a moment to stare at his own work.

"Reid, he named himself the Reaper," Hotch says.

Spencer nods and writes "The Reaper" on the board, and then it's like something clicks. He leans more heavily on the cane as he works, crossing out and circling more letters and then–

"Peter Rhea." Spencer spins around, locks eyes with Fin, and she nods proudly at him. This kid is magic.

Hotch looks immediately at Penelope, who's already working on it. Then she looks up. "There's a Peter Rhea in Arlington."

Rossi nods, satisfied. "We found him."

✩

"SSA Rossi said that the reason you waited so long to clear Foyet's apartment was that you had to be sure he was there," Strauss says, looking back down at her file. "Is this true?"

Fin nods. "Yes. It was a tough decision. Either we went in and he wasn't there, which would tip him off and force him to move." She swallows hard. "Or we could wait and give him more time to...do what he'd planned to do."

"And who made that decision?" asks Strauss.

Fin chooses to answer diplomatically. "I stand by the decision. I think it was the right call. But he knew we were coming. Somehow, he knew. And it didn't matter."

✩

"Suitcases are open, some clothes are missing." Morgan slides his gun into his holster, shaking his head. "There's a safe with a stash of guns in it."

"He didn't even bother to lock them up again." JJ sighs, holstering her own gun.

"If he's in a hurry, he'll make a mistake," Rossi says.

"Yeah, but when Foyet gets cornered, he starts killing." Hotch is more antsy than Fin's ever seen him. He can't sit still.

"Hotch, we won't let that happen," Fin says calmly, but it's no use: nothing is gonna calm Hotch down until they find Foyet.

Emily bends down to look at the laptop, which seems to be running a program of some sort. "We need to get Garcia on this."

Spencer drops into the seat in front of the laptop, Fin kneels beside him, and JJ calls Penelope. With a little digging and Spencer's help, Penelope's able to see exactly what Foyet was running.

"He is creepy good," Penelope says after a moment of unusual silence.

"How good?" asks Spencer, and while he sounds normal, he's bouncing his good leg beneath the table. Fin knows how nervous he is. She wishes she could hold his hand or something without the others seeing.

"He wiped his hard drive. Might've been in a hurry to leave, but whatever was on there, he did not want us to see it."

"Garcia, tell me that you're hacked in and that you can rebuild it," Morgan says in a grim monotone, all of his usual sass gone.

"Watch me work, darling." A short pause, and then: "Hello."

"What have you got?" Hotch asks with no hesitation. Spencer gives Fin a look that tells her he's worried about Hotch, too. But there's nothing they can do about this.

"He had an internet alarm on the name 'Peter Rhea'," Penelope replies, a little shakily. "It alerted him as soon as we ran a check on it."

"Dammit." Fin slams a hand against the table, closing her eyes against the anger she feels. Every time they get close, Foyet is one step ahead. And so is Esther. Foyet's her key to finding her mother, and she needs to find him as much as Hotch does.

"What else did he wipe?" asks Hotch.

Penelope types some more and pulls up a stream of images on the laptop, running through photos of them, of streets, and then–

"Garcia, wait a minute." Morgan points to the screen. "Freeze it right there."

"Oh, my god, isn't that–?" JJ begins, and Hotch nods solemnly.

"That's the U.S. marshal assigned to my family."

✩

"And then you left for Marshal Kassmeyer's house?"

"Yes." Fin nods.

"Without deploying another SWAT unit?" Strauss frowns. "That's hardly protocol."

"All due respect, ma'am, but when lives are in danger, expediency matters more than protocol," Fin replies coolly.

Strauss tenses, clearly offended, but sits back in her chair calmly. "And Agent Hotchner was the primary–?"

"Stop." Fin shakes her head. "Stop, please. I know you want to get SSA Hotchner on all sorts of charges and do whatever you need to do to feel better about what happened, but this was not his fault." She takes a breath to compose herself. "SSA Morgan and the rest of the team, including myself, made tactical decisions based on experience. None of the blame rests on Hotch alone, and I'm sorry if that's what you don't want to hear."

Strauss just stares at her for a moment, stunned, and then resumes as if nothing happened. "Tell me what happened after you arrived at Marshal Kassmeyer's house."

✩

Fin's right behind Morgan and Emily, gun lowered, and she sees Hotch, kneeling on the floor beside a bleeding Kassmeyer. Emily looks over at Fin, a pained expression on her face, and Fin closes her eyes. Kassmeyer won't make it. She knows it, deep down in her gut.

"Just hang on," Hotch murmurs, gripping Kassmeyer's arms tightly.

"I'm sorry," Kassmeyer gasps.

"What are you sorry for?" asks Hotch softly.

"I...I tried," whispers Kassmeyer.

"Are Jack and Haley safe?" Hotch's voice slides up in volume, going from concern to fear quickly.

Kassmeyer's breathing grows more and more ragged, and Fin's hands shake. Spencer and JJ enter the room, and Fin immediately looks at Spencer, letting him know with her eyes what's going on. He bites his lip and nods.

"Sam, tell me what happened," Hotch says urgently.

"I don't know how he got in..."

"Sam, I need to understand. Does he know where Jack and Haley are?"

"Where is that damn ambulance?" Fin whispers to Rossi. He shakes his head, just as worried as she is.

Kassmeyer mumbles something, too quiet for Fin to hear, and breathes still harder, eyes closed now.

"What about her phone number?" Hotch tries, shaking Kassmeyer gently, trying to keep him awake. "What's her safe phone number?"

"I...It won't matter," breathes Kassmeyer, and Fin reaches for Emily's hand, biting her lip to keep the tears at bay. Emily takes it and squeezes hard, and Fin squeezes back, using Emily's hand as her lifeline, keeping her upright.

"I...I tried, Hotch," Kassmeyer says, eyes fluttering shut, and then Fin hears the blessed sound of sirens. They don't make her jump anymore. They're here to help.

"Gunshot wounds to each leg, one foot," Spencer says as the paramedics enter the room. "He's missing several fingers and appears to be badly beaten."

"Clear out of the way," says the female paramedic, putting a gloved hand on Hotch's shoulder. Fin jumps forward, ready to help, but Emily pulls her back, a gentle warning.

Hotch leans over, watching the paramedics work, and Fin closes her eyes, shutting out everything, focusing on Foyet. He did this. It's his fault. And he's going to burn for it.

The paramedics get Kassmeyer on the gurney and wheel him out to the ambulance, Hotch following close behind. Emily, Fin, and Morgan stand on the porch, watching the ambulance careen around the corner to the hospital.

"He's not gonna make it," Fin whispers, digging her fingernails into her palms. "Derek, we have got to get that bastard."

"I know, mama." Morgan puts a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "We will."

✩

"What do you think of Agent Hotchner's decision to separate himself from the team?" asks Strauss coolly, pacing now.

"He wanted answers from Marshal Kassmeyer," says Fin. JJ said Strauss wanted this, to get Hotch this way, and she won't let him. "The marshal was touch and go, and SSA Hotchner made a tactical decision. I found no problem with it."

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"Because I'm not his babysitter."

Strauss stiffens. The hand that Fin can see clenches, perfect pink nails hidden inside a fist. Then she bites her lip and says, "What happened while Agent Hotchner was on his way to the hospital with Marshal Kassmeyer?"

✩

"Foyet called Haley from Kassmeyer's phone," Hotch says, almost breathlessly. It sounds like he's jogging somewhere.

"Alright, we'll get Garcia to trace it," Morgan says. "JJ."

JJ nods and pulls out her phone, heading into the kitchen.

"He told her she was compromised and I was dead."

"Well, have you called her?" asks Emily, and for the first time, Fin can hear worry in her voice. All of them are afraid, and that scares Fin almost more than Foyet does.

"No. He said to throw her phone away and to buy a disposable."

"Hotch, we're gonna come get you right now," Morgan says.

"No, Anderson's bringing me a car."

Rossi makes eye contact with Fin across the room, and his expression is nearly unreadable. Fin knows right now that if any of them found Foyet, they'd kill him. And they'd sleep well.

"Okay. You wanna meet back at the office?" Morgan asks.

"I'm hoping that she's just gonna call me, at least to check." Hotch sounds desperate for the first time. Fin swallows a sob that came from out of nowhere.

"Foyet posed as a marshal, even called from a number that Haley recognized," Morgan says.

"And then he did what gets him off," says Rossi, and Fin knows what he means.

"He scared her," she says quietly. "Even more than that, he took away everything that's ever made her feel safe. Overwhelmed her. She has nowhere to go but to him."

"And now she trusts him," Spencer says, nodding at Fin. "Where do you think he would take her?"

"Witness protection had her living in New Jersey," says Emily quickly.

"He has a head start. He could be there now." Spencer's voice is calm but his eyes are anything but.

JJ reenters the room, holding her phone out. "Garcia's got a trace."

"He's bouncing between a few towers," says Penelope hastily, typing quickly.

"Where?" asks Hotch urgently.

"Fairfax county."

"He's still local?" JJ frowns. Fin agrees: It's odd for him.

"Send the coordinates to my phone," says Hotch.

"Done."

"Why isn't he on his way to New Jersey?" JJ asks, looking around at all of them, searching for answers.

"Wait, that phone's on?" Emily asks suddenly.

"Yes," Penelope replies.

Fin grips the arm of the sofa tightly, focusing on the fabric between her fingers. Come on, asshole, make a mistake.

"Hotch?" asks Emily.

"He hung up," Penelope breathes, and Fin gasps.

"He's gonna call Foyet."

Everyone looks at Fin, frowning–

And then Penelope inhales sharply. "Hotch just dialed Foyet's number."

✩

Fin focuses on her breath. In for four, out for four, in for four, out for four...

"Agent Finley."

"Ma'am." Fin pauses to look up at Strauss calmly.

"Are you alright? You seem...distracted."

"Why would I be?" Fin poses this as a polite question, but it's entirely sarcastic, meant to dig under Strauss's skin, a verbal slap as opposed to the physical slap she's restraining herself from delivering.

Strauss narrows her eyes slightly. "What happened after Agent Hotchner's call to George Foyet?"

"Well, Foyet stole Kassmeyer's phone, and as you know, U.S. marshals' phones are designed to be untraceable. Foyet was extremely intelligent. He knew what he was doing."

"What about Agent Hotchner?" asks Strauss, leaning back in her chair.

"He was doing his job, just as the rest of us were doing ours," Fin says coolly. She's impressed she hasn't shouted yet, but maybe she's just too numb to be passionate right now. "Which, if I recall correctly, is to protect innocent people and keep them safe from criminals." She refrains from saying 'put criminals away', feeling that would be a mistake, especially considering what Strauss wants from her at the moment.

"So what did you do?"

"We followed the profile."

✩

"All right, Foyet has to be in control," says Morgan shakily, attempting to stay calm. "He had Haley come to him."

"Yeah, but where would he take her?" asks Spencer, his hand viselike in Fin's.

"He'd want Hotch to find him, to see where he was, to see what he did," replies JJ.

"Which means he–" Emily stops abruptly, eyes wide.

"He said something on that call that tells Hotch where to go," Rossi finishes for her, mouth a thin, solemn line. It makes Fin think with a pang of Hotch.

"Reid, what did he say, exactly?" asks Morgan.

"'Haley's hair looks good dark,'" recites Spencer, eyes focused on the wall in front of him. "'She's lost some weight. It must be because of all the stress you caused her. Where's the little man? Oh, there he is now. Do you think he likes Captain America because of you? That's your wife on the other line. Hold, please. Hi. Open the gate and I'll drive in.'"

It's strange hearing Foyet's words from Spencer's mouth, so foreign and evil compared to Spencer, and even though Fin never knew Hotch when he was married, never knew Haley...she knows exactly what Foyet wants.

"He's at Hotch's house," she whispers.

"What?" Spencer asks sharply.

"It's the ultimate power move. Taking over the house Hotch lived in when he was married, having both Haley and Jack there... It's complete dominance." Fin's shaking all over, and Spencer puts his hand on her knee, steadying her.

"It's everything to him." Emily nods.

"Let's go." Morgan's the first out the door. Fin turns to Spencer, but he shakes his head.

"Go. I know you need to."

Fin nods and sprints to catch up with Morgan. Rossi leaps into the passenger seat, so Fin takes the backseat, and Morgan speeds off. Fin knows Spencer, Emily, and JJ will catch up, but what's most important is that she be there for Hotch as soon as possible.

Morgan tells Hotch that Foyet's at his old house. Foyet calls Hotch again. Garcia patches them through.

"Foyet." Hotch's voice. As normal as he can be.

"Aaron?" Haley's voice.

Three gunshots.

✩

"What happened after that?"

"I don't know."

"Agent Finley, must I repeat myself?"

"No, ma'am. I don't know what happened after the phone call ended."

"You know, that is the same answer Agents Jareau, Rossi, Garcia, and Morgan gave me, and I suspect it'll be the same answer that Agents Reid and Prentiss give me, won't it?"

"You'll have to ask them, ma'am."

"Agent Finley, I can't stress this enough, but Agent Hotchner–"

"Is to be blamed for everything we've talked about so far. Yes, I understand. But I am telling the truth when I say that I have absolutely no idea what happened between that phone call and our arrival at the house."

"Fine. Then what happened when you arrived at the house?"

✩

The truth is not that Fin didn't know. What she knows, she assumed. She didn't ask what happened. But it was pretty clear.

Morgan parks the SUV. They jump out. Run into the house. Hear shouts.

And there's Hotch. Slamming Foyet's lifeless head into the floor. Over and over and over. The way Fin would have if she'd found him first.

Morgan yanks him off. Throws him away from Foyet's body. Fin drops to her knees beside him. Drops her gun. Wraps her arms around his shoulders and leans her head against his.

It's eerie, seeing the person you know as a rock crumble.

As Hotch sobs in her arms, Fin experiences this feeling.

She doesn't stop herself from crying, either. She knows how this feels.

Losing someone that you love when you could have stopped it.

Hotch gets up. Runs upstairs. Fin follows, JJ and Spencer right behind her.

He runs into his office. Drops to his knees beside a storage box. Lifts the lid.

Jack's inside. Working the case for his daddy. Just like Hotch told him to.

Hotch tells him to go outside with JJ. So JJ plasters a smile on her face, lifts Jack into her arms, and carries him down the stairs.

Spencer pulls Fin away, leaving Hotch there alone, and then Fin's knees buckle. She holds onto Spencer's shirt like a lifeline, sobbing into his chest, and he holds her there, pressing his face into her hair, tears of his own mingling with hers.

Somewhere, in a room down the hall, there is Haley. Lifeless. Cold. Lying there, a victim of evil, just like Benjamin. Just like Ollie.

And now the only link to Esther is gone, too. It died with Foyet.

Fin's back to square one.

But she doesn't blame Hotch.

She would've torn Foyet limb from limb for what he did.

And when Hotch joins them, outside on the lawn, pressing an ice pack to his forehead, Fin tells him fiercely that no matter what the Bureau wants, no matter what they say, she'll defend him. Protect him.

And the entire team echos her.

They don't know what happened.

The Bureau wants an investigation. So here Fin sits, in front of Strauss.

Strauss sighs. "Agent Finley, you are dismissed."

Fin practically runs out of the room. Spencer's waiting for her outside, and she gives him a quick, tight hug, before joining the others in the conference room. After Spencer, it's Emily's turn.

And then, finally, Hotch.

Jack stays with the rest of them. Fin shows him how to make an origami crane, and he spends the entire time folding and refolding the piece of paper, never once making a crane but having the time of his life.

And when Hotch returns, solemn as ever, Fin sets Jack down off her lap, and he runs to Hotch, who swings him up into his arms and holds him tightly.

The entire team stands. They're here for him. Always behind him. No matter what.

Fin takes Spencer's hand. Squeezes gently. Once. Twice. Three times.

I love you.

No more important words than those right now. 

~

bonus long chapter because i felt like it and i'm super anxious to finish it sooooo you're welcome.

the guy i used to be super in love with is getting married. just when you think you're over someone, they go and do something shitty and now i'm back in my feels again. wtf.

alsooo i changed my outline.

t-minus seven chapters from the end.

brace yourselves.