❝We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are.❞

ANAÏS NIN

✩

2.6 : it's okay to be broken

(tw: mentions of drug abuse, old trauma)

THERE WAS ANOTHER JAR OF FLOWERS TWO NIGHTS LATER. Spencer and Fin had an argument that morning about whether or not to mention it to the rest of the team, and they compromised on telling Penelope to do a background check on Nick and see if anything fishy's been going on in the past few weeks.

It's strange, living with someone and pretending like it's not happening. No one at the BAU knows that Spencer's been sleeping at Fin's apartment; they don't talk about it, they take separate cars to and from the office, and overall, it's like they're completely different people when they're at her apartment.

Fin's got Spencer hooked on Gilmore Girls (you bet he loves Rory), and they spend the evenings either watching that with a bowl of popcorn between them, playing chess (which is Spencer teaching Fin and then destroying her), or reading quietly, pressed into opposite corners of Fin's old sofa and sharing a blanket. Their relationship is so much more intimate now, and yet completely the same. Fin's not sure what to make of it.

He's slept on the couch since that night.

They were planning on telling Penelope that morning, but then JJ and Hotch briefed the team on the reappearance of the Boston Reaper after the death of a detective who'd made a deal with him. The case was up and down, and the only surviving victim, a man named George Foyet, turned out to actually be the unsub-a very narcissistic unsub who only wanted the fame that came from his killing.

They arrested him and put him in prison, but he escaped, and now everyone's on edge. But Spencer won't let Fin forget about Nick.

"Do you want to tell Garcia or do you want me to?" asks Spencer now, holding the BAU door open for Fin.

"I think I should do it," Fin says, running a hand through her hair. "But you can come with me, if you want."

And so they walk together toward Penelope's cave, brushing shoulders occasionally. Fin knocks on the open door, peeking inside. "Knock knock!"

Penelope spins around in her chair, holding a steaming mug of tea in her hands, and smiles at them cheerily. "Hey, cuties. It's kind of late, why haven't you left yet?"

"Penna, can I ask a favor?" Fin asks, leaning against her desk and pulling her sweater sleeves over her hands. It's been a long time since she's done this, needed the comfort of an old habit, and the realization of it almost knocks the breath out of her.

"Anything for you, my pet." Penelope gestures for her to go on, sipping her tea with pursed lips.

"I need you to run-run a background check on someone."

"Ooh, who?" Penelope looks suddenly intrigued.

Fin and Spencer agreed on the barebones of the truth and a little white lie-hell, Spencer doesn't even know the half of it-so that it doesn't get out to the rest of the team. Fin doesn't need everyone being protective; it'll keep them from doing their jobs the way they should. "An old ex of mine. He texted me the other day and said he was in D.C. and wanted to meet for coffee or something. The last time we saw each other, he wasn't in a great place, so I just want to see if he's turned his life around before I commit to seeing him again."

"Que spicy!" Penelope cracks her knuckles-Spencer winces beside Fin-and looks expectantly up at them. "What's his name?"

"Nick Rojas." Fin's hands roll themselves into fists inside her sleeves. She hasn't said his name out loud in what feels like years. It still makes her nauseous.

"Cool beans. I'll hit you back when I have something!" Penelope waves at them, which Fin takes as their cue to leave, and so she and Spencer take a long, quiet walk toward the elevator and ride down to the parking lot in silence.

It's dark already, and somehow the darkness makes everything Fin's feeling more intense. She can't figure out if she's cold or if her instincts are telling her that someone's always watching her.

Spencer looks over at her and stops in his tracks. "Hey."

Fin blinks, looks up at him. "What?"

"I'll drive you home. You can pick up your car tomorrow." He opens the passenger door of his baby blue Volvo for her.

"Spence, I'm fine-"

"Look, Hazel-" Spencer sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "You don't have to pretend around me. I get it if you don't want the others to know, but I promise you can be vulnerable around me. I would never think any less of you if you said you were scared or if this situation stresses you out."

Fin opens her mouth to say something, but then light floods the parking lot and Morgan and Emily come walking out the doors, talking loudly. They wave over at Spencer and Fin, and Fin waves back halfheartedly, then turns to Spencer. "We'll talk in the car."

He waits for her to get in, then hurries around the other side and slides into his own seat, turning the key in the ignition and clicking his seatbelt into place. Somehow, all of that is strangely attractive. Fin swallows and keeps her eyes on the dashboard.

Spencer waits until they're out on the road to speak again. "What-what were you going to say?"

There aren't words in any language to describe how she feels, to tell him everything that's happened. It's like there's a block in her mind, a lock on the memories she wants so desperately to share. She wishes she could believe he wouldn't think of her as a monster. "Have you ever read a book that didn't reveal the true plot until the end?"

Spencer doesn't say anything, just keeps his eyes on the road and nods. Fin's glad he stays quiet; it's hard enough to say this without him here.

"It's-it's like a story, where the main character has two sides. There's the side she shows to everyone, the side that's presentable and acceptable and that everyone loves. And then there's the other side. The one that no one can see because it's burnt beyond recognition. It's scarred and torn and broken, and the worst part is that this is the side that is truly her. This is the side that makes her who she is." Fin's voice begins to tremble, but she has to keep talking. She has to say this now.

"And then one day, someone comes along who she cares about. Who she trusts. And they want her to let them in and trust them and be vulnerable with them. So she lets down her walls and lets them see the ugly side of her. And that's fine, until that side of her isn't good enough. Until it ruins everything. Until they finally see how truly ugly her scars are. And they end up being another broken piece to add to the darkness inside her, another justification for why she trusts no one enough to show her true self." Fin's eyes sting with tears of honesty and she scrubs at them with the back of her hand, fighting the urge to tell him everything.

When Spencer finally speaks, it's in a whisper. "Hazel, I would never think of you that way."

"That's what they all say, Spencer." Fin laughs humorlessly, and it's more of a dry sob than a real laugh. "Everyone says that, and then when they actually get what they want, they're not satisfied with that. They expect the scars to be pretty. They expect everything to be okay, just because it's out in the open and they can somehow help me cope. No one understands what it's like to be this broken inside."

Spencer stops at a red light and looks over at her, his eyes as dark as night in the twilight. "Like you're drowning in the emptiness of what's inside you, and there aren't words to explain it to anyone. Like you're the only one in the world who feels this kind of pain."

A lump rises in Fin's throat. She's suddenly overwhelmed and can only manage a nod. How does he know?

"I was twenty-five when we went on a case," Spencer says, his eyes back on the road. "We thought it was a team. Two, maybe three people. JJ and I went out to talk to a witness, and about halfway through, I figured out he was our unsub, an unsub with three separate personalities. We split up, and he surprised me. He knocked me out and took me to a cabin, where the personality of his father beat me and almost killed me, and then when he was himself, he gave me high doses of Dilaudid.

"I couldn't get rid of the drugs. I couldn't stop. I couldn't talk about what happened, and I couldn't admit that I was addicted, but I also couldn't let go of the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing keeping the pain away. I was drowning in it and no one said a word." Spencer's voice is surprisingly clear, surprisingly steady. "It took me a year to get fully clean."

"Spence..." Fin's voice is hoarse. She can't bring it to more than a whisper. "Spence, I never knew-"

"So while I might not understand the things that have happened to you," Spencer continues, looking over at her, "I understand how you feel. I promise you can be broken and I will never think of you as a monster or something that can't be loved. It's okay to be broken."

Fin opens her mouth to reply, but then the headlights of Spencer's car shine on a very familiar figure, sitting on the curb next to her apartment. Her heart stutters to a stop. No.

Spencer looks at her, eyes wide, and then back at the curb. "Hazel, what-?"

But Nick's standing up, plastering an innocent look on his face, and Fin's already out of the car, her blood boiling in her veins. It's fear and anger and all the memories and she just wants him gone.

He opens his mouth to say something, but she's not having it. "What the hell are you doing here? You asshole! You think you can follow me around like some damn stalker and then show up at my house like you know me? God, Nick, what did you think 'leave me the hell alone' meant?"

"Look, Hazel, I-"

"No." Fin shakes her head. "No. My name is Fin. Don't you dare call me Hazel like nothing happened!"

Nick sighs, runs a hand over his head, the way he used to do before he shaved it. There's a new tattoo on his bicep. "Fin. Let me explain. Please. I swear, I'm not here because I want you back or-or anything like that."

"Why should I believe you?" Fin can't decide if she wants to cry or scream or hit something or curl into a ball on the asphalt. "You've said this so many times. You wanted me until it was inconvenient for you, so I left, and then you wanted me back. How do I believe you, Nick? How?"

"You have to let me explain-"

"No. I don't. I don't have to let you do anything." Fin swipes an angry tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. She hates that she's so close to tears all the time. "You broke me. You fucking destroyed me. After everything I told you, after all the times I let you in, you just tore everything apart and made me feel like shit. You deserve nothing."

"I know." Nick bites his lip, and Fin wishes he wouldn't act the same anymore. It's too disgustingly familiar. "I know. I was an asshole. I'm so sorry, Fin. I'm so sorry. But you have to understand, Lars-"

No.

God.

"Lars? What about Lars?" It's like a switch flips inside her. "What, are you stalking her now? Leaving flowers for her in her dorm room? Creepy notes on her desk? Am I not good enough for you?"

"What-no! What are you talking about?" Nick looks genuinely confused, the dick.

"Don't bullshit me. Don't act like you don't know." Fin plants a finger in his chest, and for the first time, she notices that Spencer's directly behind her. His hand is fluttering near his gun. "If you lay a hand on her, if you even think about doing anything to her, I swear I will find you and I will tear you apart."

"No-"

"Get out." Fin points toward the road. "I'm done. Get out, leave, and don't ever come back here. I swear, if I could arrest you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Get out."

"But-"

"I swear to God, Nick."

Nick's eyes are pleading and he opens his mouth to say something, but then Spencer says, "Hazel said leave."

His voice has a kind of gravity to it that Fin's never heard before. Something about her name, something about the way he says it. Nick's eyes are full of understanding. Fin watches him walk to a generic black sedan across the parking lot, and her eyes don't leave his car until it disappears into the night.

"Who is Lars?" Spencer asks, breaking the deathly long silence.

"My sister."

He doesn't sleep on the couch tonight.

~

i'm so sorry.

i cried writing this. (it also didn't help that i was listening to "lovely" slowed, which makes it so much more sad and real)

but this is just the beginning of all the trauma and backstory so buckle up and grab some tissues.