❝To hurt is as human as to breathe.❞

J.K. ROWLING

✩

0.6 : calm under pressure

OR

season 4, episode 1 : mayhem

(tw: blood)

"OH, MY GOD." FIN'S BRAIN IS REELING, SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SHE MIGHT THROW UP. "OH, MY GOD." All she sees is the explosion in slow motion, curled and burning pieces of metal flying in all directions, and she knows without a doubt one of the team was inside it. Someone is gone. Someone is dead.

Vaguely, she's aware that someone's honking at her, and she glances at her lefthand mirror numbly. She's parked in the middle of the road, stopping traffic. The man in the car behind her is shaking his fist.

Come on, Fin. Remember what you learned. Remember. You can do this. Fin takes a deep breath, grips the steering wheel tightly, and makes a sharp U-turn, eliciting more angry honks from the cars behind her. Piss off, bitches, I'm the freaking government.

She speeds up, all the time cranking the radio dial until she finds a news channel and listening intently. Please please please don't let anyone be hurt, please. It's a dumbass thing to wish for, but she has to do something.

"...The explosion is reported to have been inside a black SUV, in the vicinity of the Federal Plaza," a woman's voice says, far too calmly.

"Who was in the Federal Plaza?" Fin's wracking her brain, trying to figure out who would've been there. Emily was at the hospital, Morgan Homeland Security, JJ at the hotel... Spencer. Where was Spencer?

"We have no word yet on any injuries, but unconfirmed reports say that the explosion was likely caused by a car bomb..."

Fin yanks the wheel hard and pulls into the FBI field office parking lot. There are two SUVs in the parking lot already, meaning at least two people are safe. But which two?

She pushes past two tall male agents coming out of the building, sprints through the lobby, and slams the UP button on the elevator. But it takes longer than thirty seconds, so she gives up. Patience is not her strong suit in times like these.

It's four flights of stairs to where they've been set up, and Fin's incredibly thankful to past Fin for not choosing to wear heels today. As she races up the stairs, she prays over and over that everyone's okay, that it's not one of her team that's hurt-

She bursts through the door and scans the office frantically. Oh, my god. Her heart leaps into her throat. There's Spencer and Rossi, standing there whole and alive. Rossi's on the phone and he says, "I'm here with Reid, but I don't know where anyone else is- Wait, wait-" His eyes land on Fin and immediately relief colors his face. "Fin's here. She's safe. Fin's safe, Garcia."

Spencer wheels around, his mouth open, eyes scared, and just in time, too, because Fin was already running. She collides into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, almost knocking him over. But he's here, he's okay, he's safe. Fin didn't realize how much she'd miss him until she thought he might be dead.

"Whoa, whoa." Spencer's hands instinctively fly up to her waist, but he doesn't push her away; surprisingly, he pulls her closer, holding her gently in his arms. "Hey, it's okay."

Fin closes her eyes against the sudden, strange tears that burn there. "I saw the explosion on the news," she says into his collar, then pulls away, remembering Rossi's still standing there and she's still holding Spencer. "I just-Do we know where anyone else is?"

He shakes his head, still holding the receiver to his ear. "Garcia, find them."

"Oh, my god." Fin swallows hard, eyes glued to the TV, staring at the looping footage of a burning black SUV. She grips the edge of the desk behind her, praying to God no one's dead. What if it was JJ? She's going to have a baby, she can't- She couldn't-

"Breathe." Spencer's voice is low, calm, and he puts his hand on her lower back, steadying her. Fin hadn't realized she was hyperventilating, but she's starting to get dizzy. "Take a deep breath for me."

She inhales slowly, focusing on the pressure of Spencer's hand on her back, the unmoving wood of the desk beneath her fingers. It's gonna be okay.

"Fin." Rossi turns to her. "What happens now, after this bombing? What's the process?"

"Um..." Fin tries to steady her voice. "First responders are stuck behind a barricade, waiting for NYPD and Homeland Security to clear the area, so that they can't hit that second wave."

"So whoever was in that SUV is stuck without medical help." Spencer chews his bottom lip worriedly, still watching the screen. They're just recycling footage now, not running anything helpful or new.

The phone rings and this time, Fin picks up, desperate to do something, anything. "Finley."

"I got Morgan and Emily and I tried to call JJ, but it just went to voicemail," Penelope bleats, her voice shaking. "And then the system, it just-it just went out! I've-I've never had problems with calling-"

"Penelope." Fin keeps her tone even, quiet, despite the fact that she herself is panically running through every possible horrible scenario in her head. "Calm down. Do you have the footage of the accident?"

"No, no, Lisa's running that right now." Penelope's scattered, unfocused, her voice clearly establishing how lost she feels. Fin understands; you feel powerless, helpless.

"Penelope, I need you to focus. I need your beautiful brain firing on all cylinders, understand?"

Penelope takes a long, shaky, deep breath, and then says, "On it," and hangs up.

Rossi turns and stares pensively at the evidence board. "These are stills from all the murder sites," he says, maybe just to say something.

The door to the stairs slams open and Emily bursts into the office, out of breath and panicked. "Garcia had us on conference and the system crashed," she says, brushing a stray hair out of her face.

"Oh, my god, Emily-" Relief is coursing through Fin like you wouldn't believe. Another team member safe, here, alive. She wraps her arms tightly around Emily, the FBI jacket material rough beneath her fingertips.

"Emily."

It's JJ, also out of breath and worried. Fin closes her eyes and silently thanks the powers that be that JJ's okay. JJ and her baby.

"Oh, thank God you're alright," Emily says, turning to JJ. "Where's Will?"

"He's stuck at the airport. As soon as I heard, I went straight to 26 Fed." JJ's tone says that she's confused. "They're evacuating the building. Where is everyone?"

"Morgan's alright," Spencer replies, his mouth slack with relief. "But there's no word from Hotch."

Hotch. Fin's stomach gives a little flutter of worry, but then something crackles and Penelope's face appears on an open laptop screen. She looks terrified. "The bomber! The bomber! Derek's chasing after him!"

"What?" Spencer asks, practically leaping to face her.

"The bomb. It was in Kate's SUV or-under it." Penelope's voice has that same strained panic in it. "Hotch is out there with her. He seems okay, but she looks really hurt; he hasn't moved her."

Fin closes her eyes, exhales slowly. Hotch is okay. He's okay. Emily and Spencer have the same relieved look on their faces, but Rossi's über-focused.

"Where was Kate's SUV parked?" he asks, leaning forward against the desk.

"Two blocks east of Federal Plaza."

Immediately, Spencer uncaps his marker and turns to the map, marking the location of the car. Emily frowns. "Two blocks east and they target Kate's SUV?"

"That's awfully specific," Fin replies, nodding.

"Have you I.D.ed the bomber?" Rossi asks Penelope.

"Lisa's running him and Dead Guy through ViCAP," she replies, twirling one of her fluffy pens nervously between her fingers.

Rossi stands up, looks over at JJ. "Call Homeland Security. They should be at all the murder sites. See if they found anything."

JJ nods. "I'm on it."

"Garcia-" Rossi looks back down at the laptop screen- "Find out how we can help Morgan."

"Yes, sir." And she hangs up.

"I have to go." Fin looks around for her coat frantically, scanning the desks, the chairs, and then she realizes she's still wearing it. "I have to help Hotch-"

"No." Spencer shakes his head vigorously. "No. It's too dangerous-"

"Spencer, he's down there with no backup and no medical support!" Fin's adamant; she will not be moved. "Remember, they want to hit civilians and then emergency responders. There's only been one bomb. Literally anyone out there could be the unsub, Spencer. Hotch needs backup. Either you can let me go or you can come with me, because there's no way in hell I'm staying here." Even if her boss is pissed at her, he's still her boss, and if he dies because no one was out there helping him, she'll blame herself forever.

Spencer chews his lip, clearly ready to shoot her down, but then he sighs. "Just...call me on your way there. I'd feel better if I knew you got there safely."

"Deal." Fin straightens her coat, looks over at Emily, JJ, Rossi. "If any of you get blown up while I'm gone, I swear to God I'll kill you." And then she's off, blazing down the stairs as fast as she possibly can.

She jams the key into the ignition of her SUV and slams the door behind her. Spencer picks up on the first ring. "Fin?"

"I just got in the car and so far, I haven't died yet," Fin says, backing out of her parking space, tongue between her teeth.

"You're hilarious," Spencer replies dryly. "You know how to get to where Hotch is?"

Shit. Fin sighs. "No, actually. I bet you do, though, Sherlock."

"Take a right and go two blocks up," he says. "Then a left, five blocks down, and right at the intersection."

"What would I ever do without you, Spencer Reid?"

"Not sure, but you'd still be confused about geographical profiling, wouldn't you?"

"Aw, see, you're funny when you want to be!" Fin chuckles softly. "Taking that left now." The streets are strangely empty-well, empty for New York; there's still thousands of people out-and Fin wonders if the bombing really did scare a lot of them. It scares the shit out of her.

There's a silence over the phone, and something occurs to Fin. She frowns. "Spencer, are you marking where I am on the map?"

When he doesn't answer, she sighs loudly. "God, paranoid much?"

"Actually, the definition of paranoia is unjustified suspicion or fear, and in this case, my fear is significantly justified. I'm worried about your SUV being blown up because there was an SUV blown up forty minutes, fifty-eight seconds ago."

"Aw, Spencer, you're worried about me?" Fin laughs. "That's cute."

"It's really not. There's nothing cute about a car bomb. Have you turned right at the intersection?"

"I'm coming up on it now." And yeah, she can see the long line of police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks parked behind a barricade. "Oh, my god."

"What?" Immediately Spencer's voice changes from calm to panicked.

"Calm down, it's just a shit-ton of emergency responders." Fin lets out a long breath, parking her SUV next to one of the cop cars. "I really, really hope that second bomber isn't planning on showing up. Am I allowed to hang up now or do I have to keep you on the line while I help save Kate's life?"

Spencer sighs. "Be careful."

"Wouldn't dream of risking my life." Fin hangs up and jumps out of the car, running forward toward the barricade, toward the tiny figures that are Hotch and Kate.

A tall, muscular man in a SWAT uniform sticks his arm out in front of her. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't let you through. It's not-"

Fin is so freaking tired of this bullshit. She pulls her badge out of her coat pocket and shoves it in his face. "I'm FBI, jackass, and that's my boss down there. Now move before I take this and shove it up your ass!"

Before he can even respond, she ducks under his arm, under the barricade, and sprints toward Hotch and Kate, screaming, "Hotch! Hotch!"

He looks up at her as she skids to a stop and drops to her knees next to Kate. His sleeves are soaked with blood and there are cuts on his face, but he looks okay. "Finley? No, no, you can't be here, get out-"

"It's Fin, Hotch, and I have just as much right to be here as you do." Fin shoves her badge back in her coat pocket and shrugs her coat off, rolling up her sweater sleeves. "I'm here to help."

Hotch has that recurring dad expression where he looks pissed and proud at the same time, and he just sighs. "Fine."

There's another man here, beside Hotch. He's a paramedic, bald and shrewd-eyed, and the look he gives Fin is strange. Condemning, almost like he's mad that she's here. Fin's got a weird feeling, but that's probably because, you know, a whole car blew up like twenty feet from her.

Fin turns her attention to Kate, who's unconscious but still breathing. God, there's a lot of blood. "Is she-What happened?"

"She got the full brunt of the explosion," Hotch says, and Fin notices that his hands are both under Kate, like he's holding her up. "She's got a serious arterial bleed in her back that we're trying to stop."

"You're not-" Fin swallows hard, but Hotch nods grimly. Oh my god he's holding an artery in his hands. Bile rises in her throat but she will not throw up, not now.

"I need both of you to help me turn her over," the paramedic says. "I need to clamp that artery before we can try to move her. Ready?"

Fin leans across and takes hold of Kate's limp arm, gripping it tightly. "Ready."

"On three: one-two-three-" They lift her, turn her onto her left side carefully.

"Okay-Okay, I'm gonna clamp that artery." The paramedic is moving quickly, talking almost as fast as his hands are moving. "When I say 'move', move your hand and get as far out of my way as you can, both of you. You got it?"

Hotch nods. "Yep."

The paramedic leans down, there's a metallic clicking noise, and then he says, "Okay, move."

Hotch yanks his hand out and stands up halfway, still supporting Kate's body, watching the medic carefully.

"Okay, I need to get a bag in and start getting her pressure up," the paramedic says, pulling his duffel bag closer to him. "Get the gurney from the bus."

Hotch nods. He walks-no, limps, and badly-toward the ambulance, half running, and Fin stops him on his way there. "Uh-uh. Sit. I'll get it."

She wrenches open the ambulance doors and pulls out the gurney, wheeling it toward the medic, Hotch, and Kate. Surprisingly efficiently, they manage to load Kate's limp body onto the gurney and get it and the medic into the back of the ambulance with little difficulty.

"You want me in the back with you?" Fin asks the paramedic, after a serious argument with Hotch about who's driving (he is, because he's a stubborn pain in the ass). "I could help if something goes wrong."

The paramedic shakes his head, and is that fear? worry? panic? in his eyes? "She's stable for now. Ride up front with your boss, keep him focused. He's in shock; he could use the company."

Fin nods and shuts the ambulance doors, grabbing her coat and hurrying around to the passenger seat, strapping herself in. Hotch is already completely set, and when he sees that she's inside, he turns to the medic. "Where's the closest emergency room?"

"St. Barclay's," the medic replies, hooking up monitors and an IV to Kate's arm and chest.

"Where?"

"St. Barclay's," Fin repeats, frowning. "You didn't hear him-?"

"Where is it?" Hotch asks, ignoring her.

"It's four blocks uptown, one block east." The paramedic is eerily calm, but then again, it's his job to be calm.

"Where's the emergency entrance?" Hotch is already driving, almost mindlessly. Fin has to take a minute to admire how he literally got blown up by a bomb and is still the biggest workaholic she's ever met.

"Under the hospital. Just follow the signs to the E.R."

"Okay." Hotch flicks the sirens on and the loud, blaring noise makes Fin flinch. She hasn't flinched at sirens in years. Hello therapy. Again.

"Hey, look who's back! Hello." The paramedic sounds like he's smiling, and Fin takes this to mean that Kate's opened her eyes. Good signs, good signs. Her heart is beating faster than it's ever beat before, adrenaline pumping through her.

"Is she awake?" Hotch, for a single moment, sounds relieved. Fin does wonder a little if he cares about Kate, more than just professionally.

Kate's voice is weak, feeble. "Is that Aaron?"

"Are you Aaron?" asks the paramedic.

"Yeah." Hotch nods. "Kate, we made it." He sounds almost like he's trying not to cry.

Fin looks over at him, puts her hand on his upper arm gently. "You can do this."

It seems like almost a thousand years pass as the ambulance drives down the deserted streets of New York City, sirens blaring, lights flashing, with a dying woman in the back. The hospital comes into view, almost in slow motion-but there's a barricade and men in dark suits.

"What's this?" Hotch frowns, saying exactly what Fin's thinking. One of the men in suits comes over to talk to him.

"It's Secret Service," he replies, holding a bright flashlight right in Hotch's face. Put it down, jerk. "We're directing all emergencies over to Lenox Hill."

"Oh, my god." Fin lets her head drop against the back of her seat. This can't be happening.

"I'm SSA Hotchner," Hotch says without missing a beat. "This is Agent Finley. We have SSA Joyner on board. She was injured in the bomb blast at Federal Plaza."

The man holds up his hand. "Credentials."

"Uh, they're in my jacket at Federal Plaza." Hotch is pleading with him now.

"Wait, wait-" Fin has hers, they're in her coat, she remembers, she picked it up before they left- "Sir, I have mine. See? Agent Hazel Finley, FBI." She holds her badge out, leaning over Hotch so he can see. "She won't make it to Lenox Hill. Please, just let us in."

Behind them, the monitor's beeping grows more insistent-until it flatlines. "I'm losing her!" shouts the paramedic. "She's crashing! She's crashing!"

The man's expression is torn, and Fin takes advantage of it. "Please, sir. Let us in."

He sighs, nods, turns and yells at the men near the gate. "Open it up! This is Delta Two, I need immediate E.R. attendance-"

Hotch accelerates, speeding into the tunnel. Fin grips the edge of her seat, her heart beating against her throat, praying Kate makes it into the hospital-

The next few minutes are like a blur. Parking, unloading Kate, pushing the gurney, the medic doing chest compressions, breaking her ribs, the doctors rushing out, watching them rush her into surgery-

And then Hotch collapses.

~

sorry for all the cliffhangers hehe but they're just so fun

hotch's freaking dad face though lol it kills me every time. also i love fin realizing how much she cares about the team like aWW yes go make family bestie

as y'all learn about her backstory (because there is hELLA to unpack in that basket) you'll learn just how much it means to have people to care about and why i'm so freaking excitedddddd to write it

okay i'll stop teasing that for now

love you all so much *kisses* byeeeee