You might need to reference APBAON for this chapter since it doesn't include the context. It's Act XV!

TWs for suicidal ideation, self-harm and mention of sexualization! Stay safe, my loves <3

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finding out what joel thought of me made me want to kill myself right then and there. i never once thought of myself as special or entitled to whatever i wanted. i never got what i wanted. ever.

i felt even worse when he said i probably have the whole basketball team wrapped around my finger. i don't. they have me wrapped around their fingers, like i'm a stretched out elastic band that they twisted around their fingers multiple times each. or an unwound spring that was rewound around their fingers as rings. i had no control over them in the slightest. the most control i probably did have was the fact that they all jerked off to that video of me and zach.

it was humilating, to say the least, to hear joel say that i was "perfect." how was i perfect when i was miserable? how could he, someone that was happy, say that my life was perfect? that people wanted to be me? it wasn't fair.

i never wanted to end my life more before then. i was so fucking miserable and Jimmy was probably the only person who understood (or at least tried to understand) how i felt. where the fuck did joel get the audacity to tell me how good i had it? i wanted to die. i had multiple plans on how i would do it. every other thought i had was about killing or hurting myself. not to mention the fact that i spent most nights awake and cutting my skin until there was no room left.

it wasn't. fucking. fair.

i wanted joel's life. he had it easy. he probably never even thought once about killing himself. i doubt he was ever sexually assaulted either.

and it was so rude of him to make fun of my looks, too, being all sarcastic about how "pretty" and "slim" i am. my own boyfriend hated my body because i was too fat and ugly.

i hated joel in that moment. who cares if he helped me, he was a fucking jerk. he had no right to talk to me like that, like i'm stupid. like i need help.

i don't need anybody.