If what they had wasn't a sin, Zarinna would have loved every bit of it. She had allowed herself to be carried away by emotions for almost a year, one long heart wrenching year... And it had to stop, even if it meant putting her love for him to death - herself to death.

Turning around, Zarinna caught sight of the turmoil that gleamed in Nathan's eyes. She pulled her gaze away, her eyes now anchored to the tall grasses that cloaked the hill where they stood.

"Rinna... Rinna please no..." He pleaded.

Zarinna felt another set of tears fall from her eyes, tensing as she felt Nathan's arms around her. She took a deep breath and gently pulled away from his warmth, meeting his gaze as she prepared to speak.

"Nathan, please! Don't make the situation harder than it already is..." She tried to sound as calm as she can, but the pain that echoed from her voice betrayed her. She saw Nathan put the back of his hand to his forehead and slammed his eyes shut.

She was torn. The pain that engulfed her seemed unbearable. It was as if she felt a knife stab her heart each time she looked at the man she could never have.

"Please Zarinna," Nathan pleaded, "I love you..."

She felt her heart flip, but only until reality again claimed her thoughts that she shook the words off of her head and replied.

"No, Nathan! You know as well as I that this thing between us isn't love!" She countered, feeling her heart hammer in her chest as she spoke. She hated seeing him cry, he was the type of man that had always shown a strong resolve. He was firm in what he believed and was everything Zarinna ever desired.

"So you're saying you never loved me?" The question ripped her heart. She did. She loved him so much ... so much more than she should have.

"Please, Nathan..." Her voice sounded limp as she fought back the tears that threatened to fall. "You know I did, but..." The sobs that interrupted her words began to annoy her. She took a deep breath and resumed to speak. "I must love God more." Silence filled their distance. She knew that Nathan wanted to do so too, with all his heart, but she also knew what his weakness was - It was her. Oh, merciful God. It was her. How could she have allowed it to be so? Why didn't she resist the first time she felt things for him?

"Nathan... I valued you so, so much. You know that, you felt that. But this?" she lifted her hands. "This is just ripping me apart! Don't you see how far we've fallen? Once we prided ourselves for being God's messengers, proclaiming His Word, showing the world how great He was, but look at us now!" She gasped for breath as she too began to process the words that were coming out from her mouth. Nathan stayed very still, his sorrowful eyes nailed to the ground. "I'm sorry Nathan, I'm sorry if I hurt you like this, but... the pain of crucifying God over and over again because of this sin is breaking me to pieces." She looked up at him and saw a tear roll down Nathan's cheek.

He felt miserable. Nathan knew what she said was right. He knew this was all wrong, but the more he tried to let her go, the more his heart seemed to long for her. Oh God... could You ever forgive me? He questioned in his mind as he stared at Zarinna's porcelain face. The idea of losing her seemed to rip his heart from his chest, but he knew he must. He must. He felt his chest heave.

"I can't do this anymore, Nathan." He heard her whisper. He pulled her body into his - trembling. This could be the last time he felt her embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Was all he could say as he heard Zarinna's sobs. "I'm sorry for ruining your life, Rinna. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be a good example for you. I'm sorry..." He pulled away and took hold of her chin. "I will always hold you dear to my heart." His words felt like arrows to her heart. She knew it's time to stop, it's time to surrender and despite the pain, Zarinna had to be strong.

She nodded and began to walk away, feeling another set of tears roll down her cheeks. She looked once again to the man behind her. "God bless you... and... your family." She quickly pulled her gaze from him and began to trek down the hill towards the road. She needed to leave this place, she didn't want to see him any longer, lest she be tempted to run back to his embrace again.

Her heart felt lifeless, every single breath she took seemed to be strangled with pain. She lifted her gaze to the skies and questioned if God would ever look at her the same again. Her heart sank, she wiped the tears that escaped her eyes and continued to walk to her house. For a moment, it comforted her that her apartment was only a few meters away from where they spoke.

That place, it seemed, was the only place she could go. She badly wanted to run to the sanctuary and somehow pray, but knowing that her spiritual family disowned her for what she had done made the thought an impossibility. She badly wanted to run to her mother and sob all her pain away but doing so would only burden her mother's heart, and she wouldn't risk having her family disown her too if they knew what she had committed.

The silence welcomed her as she stepped in through the door. The warmth in her apartment gave her a slight comfort despite the wretchedness she felt. A sigh escaped her lips as she collapsed to her bed, the heaviness that weighed down her whole being falling with her.

With all the strength and need in her, she began to open her mouth, but to her dismay, no words came out, only the tears that flowed incessantly from her clasped lids. She knew she was a wreck, a failure, a shame. It squeezed her to the core and the thought held her back from praying. Would God listen? Would He even bother to talk to someone such as me? The question ringed in her mind. Her lids tugged as she kept her eyes to the ceiling, she felt tired like never before, and it took only a couple of minutes before sleep claimed her.

Zarinna's slumber was interrupted as she heard her phone furiously ringing on the other side of her room. She lazily pulled away from the comfort of her bed and made her way to the living room.

"Hello, how can I help you?" A man clearing his throat was heard through the phone.

"Pleasant morning, is this Ms. Zarinna Bunhiyan?" The man inquired.

"Yes, speaking." She replied briefly and took a seat on the couch.

"This is Maurice Sepnayen from Besao National High School. This is to inform you that you've been chosen for the position of Social Studies teacher for the Senior High Department. "

For a moment Zarinna couldn't speak, shocked as she processed the words she just heard.

"Classes start on the 29th of August."

Zarinna snapped back, shaking her head as she refocused on the man on the phone.

"You can report to the school anytime you're ready for the preparation period."

Zarinna counted in her mind. The 29th. That's about three weeks from now.

"Hello?"

A wave of joy washed over her as she realized what she just heard. Oh Lord, Oh thank You Lord!

"Ah- yes! Thank you Mr Sepnayen! I will be there a week before opening." She replied in glee.

"Very well then, Miss. We will see you then."

A mixture of thoughts went over Zarinna's mind. How? The last time she checked her status on the DepEd website, she was fourth on the ranks list. She bit her lip in wonder. She didn't have years of experience just like those before her. How did she get accepted?

Another wave of joy went through her. If this wasn't grace, she didn't know what was.

" Besao, bes-" She suck in a breath, the realization dawning down on her. Besao was hours away from her city, her family, her whole life.

"Oh Lord," She reclined against the couch, sighing as she thought of all that just happened. Now what?