It was done. Everything was packed. I couldn't stop it. We were moving.

The last few days, everything seemed to just pass by me. In one ear in, out the other. Also, I didn't feel the urge to dim my thoughts 'cause they kinda were spinning in circles and it seemed like I couldn't catch even one.

So with no thoughts and no feelings, I was standing in my nearly empty room. Only the big furniture left behind. In our new house, there was already the stuff we would need. The big furniture.

I spun in a circle. This is it.

I frowned. We moved because Elliot sees a therapist, Eli sees a therapist because he got shot and he got shot 'cause I convinced him to go get ice cream with me.

It was all my fault.

"Hope, come here, we're ready to go!"

Deeply, I inhaled. And exhaled. Slowly I made my way down the stairs. My family was standing there, looks in their faces like they couldn't wait to arrive in our new house.

My mother smiled warmly in my direction and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Let's go."

With a thud, the door closed for the last time. Maybe not the last time, but the last time I'm gonna see it hear it. We walked to our car and I prepared myself with headphones, so as soon as we started driving, I put them on and stared out the window.

Everything seemed to just pass by and I don't even really care. But I want to care. So why don't I? I'm not even sad. I don't really feel anything at all. Yet I want to. But how do you force feelings?

//°°\\

Somebody shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes. I didn't even notice I fell asleep in the first place. "Come on, Hope. Get your lazy ass out of the car." Elliot slammed his door close, maybe a little too hard and I could bet Dad gave him a warning look. He always did.

I nearly smiled at that, but instead I picked up my headphones that slipped of while I was sleeping. I twist and turn much in my bed and even though I can't do that in a car Eli always teases me that I swirl like a worm when I fall asleep in a car seat.

I looked at the house. It was a bit bigger than our old one. I stepped inside and followed my parents, together with Eli. "Upstairs should be" but we didn't need to hear more. With one glance to the other we both started to sprint upstairs. I didn't even know which one was the biggest, though a decent one would be great. I stormed into the left door, Eli went to the right one. A little bit of joy flooded me.

I looked around the room. That would be mine, I guess. It looked pretty decent and was bigger than my old one, so no complaints here.

A bed, a wardrobe, a desk with a chair and two nightstand on each side of the bed were the only things here. I guess I can decorate how I want, according to the space that is left in the room, and that was absolutely enough. Just then, Elliot stormed into my- the room. After I quick look he sighed.

"Looks like they are both about the same size, but your view out the window is much better, I can look at trash and trash bags, oh and don't get me started at the beautiful trash bins." He pouted. I couldn't hold it anymore and bursted out laughing. That indeed was the worst view you could get. "Not funny, Hop."

He pulled another face until I lit up and I could basically see the light buld above his head light up with an idea. "Maybe I can take the last room. The one that's supposed to be mom and dads."

"Not going to happen!" Moms shout echoed through the still empty hallways to my room. The room. Dang, I gotta stop seeing this as a new home. My room was three hours away or so.

Eli stomped out of the room, though you could tell he wasn't angry. Maybe he would find it entertaining in the end. Stalk anybody who dares to come near our trash. Good thing that the persons who lived here before us made sure to clean everything up.

Sighing, I sat down on the bed. It indeed was comfortable. And it was bigger than the old one I had. I couldn't care less about that, though.

//°°\\

After we settled in a little and after Eli took care of the trash situation as best as possible, we send him to the grocery store. Me and mom were standing in the kitchen, trying to cook a meal with the few things we packed, just in case.

But in the end it was worth it or we would be starving 'cause my brother will take ages to come back with the stuff we need.

So now, I'm currently filling water up in a new kettle we had bought a few month ago. "Which flavor do you want?" Mom asked me. "They are all the same." I shrugged. But she shook her head. "We still have the cake flavoured one you resisted on buying." She holded up the package. And indeed, the pink one with a small cake printed on there lay in her hand.

"Then I'm eating that." "It will taste gross." She insisted. Smiling. Offended, I look at her. "How can you say that? I bought those with all my pride and I'm eating them now and they will be the most delicious ones they have." We both bursted out laughing. She hugged me with one arm and her laughs faded to chuckles.

"I'm glad that after all you think this was a good idea." She told me.

"It was the best idea." She frowned, but then her face took a knowing expression. "I mean moving here. I think you'll have a great new start." I didn't want to ruin the mood, so I simply smiled in her direction, though it was fake.

But with that sentence, reminding me of what I had lost, the pure joy I felt got sucked out of me.

I only smiled brighter, hoping it would turn into a real one. I did know they, mostly Elliot, needed that new start. But it wasn't necessary in my eyes. The new house we had was bigger and had a small garden, so I did hope I would maybe even find some friends here.

Right now, I couldn't go back, so I hoped so deeply, that it would work out in the end.

"What is taking your brother so long?" Mom wondered. I shrugged and looked at the clock. He was nearly gone for an hour now. "I bet he fell into a hole and had to be rescued." I shrugged. "Hope, your sarcasm isn't helping here. I'm worried. Maybe I shouldn't have let him go alone."

"Mom, it's fine. He took his phone with him. He will be fine." I repeated. "Besides, this neighborhood seems really kind and everything. People will help him out instead of kidnapping him."

She only groaned and left, muttering something of calling him. Just then, a loud thud was coming from the door. "What was that?" I asked. Mom looked at the door as well, then at me and back to the door.

"What was that?" I whisper yelled. What if that was an intruder? What if he found me? What if he wants to make sure I die?

What started with a slight uncertainty ended up being huge panic rising in my chest. My breathing hitched and a thin layer of cold sweat covered my palms.

The door now opened, though I didn't really notice that anyway by now. Breathing was hard, standing straight was harder and keeping clear thoughts was the hardest. That's what she- what?

Breathing. I need to breathe. A deep breath that should be relieving, but it didn't. The oxygen never arrived in my lungs. A thud echoed through the nearly empty rooms. Was that me. I couldn't see properly, everything was spinning and turning and getting blurry. Just everything at once.

Something was shown right in front of my eyes. A pill. Next to it water. Then my mother's face appeared. She motioned at herself and took a deep breath in, also making gestures with her hands. As best I could I started to copy her breathing pattern.

In.

Out.

In. Out.

In and out.

It still felt like I wasn't really taking in anything, though.

She brushed over my hair, getting it out of my face and handed me the pill. I chugged down a little bit of water with it. Only a little bit and it would all be better.

And it did. The panic was rushing away and I could finally breathe properly, without guidance.

"Come on, sit down on the couch." Two arms wrapped around me. Confused, my gaze wandered to the left and I met Elliot's beautiful blue-greyish eyes. "What-?" But I didn't finish my sentence, not knowing what to say I let myself fall on butt.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Always." I lied. "Hop, I think you should start to see someone like Simone, too." I frowned, deeply. "Now, who is Simone?"

"My therapist."

//°°\\

A/n:

Chapter five already! It's not been long I already wrote five chapters, this is probably a record for me lol.

I was busy with school and two presentations, but their finally done. I still have to study, next week I write two exams 😭

Anyway, I finally found time and I will find time the following week, so don't worry I'll still update!

Hope you enjoyed!

X WrittenBy09