So I say this to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds, and to him, to who knocks it will be opened.
Luke 11: 9-10

"What the heck, Johanna!?" I pulled the phone away from my ear as I heard My Aunt's voice come through. I took in a breath, bracing myself lest I respond in the same tone she's in. 

"I'm sorry Aunt, Riza,"

"Goodness Anna! Who told you to leave the restaurant so early? You are seriously getting into my nerves right now!"

"Oh yeah, I meant to tell you that. I had to leave for the library so I can get some books for my report. The library closes at six so I really needed to leave earlier. I'm sorry aunt Riza."

"Ugh, you know very well that I don't give a damn about your blasted reasons!" My Aunt bellowed "Let me remind you something Johanna Dumay; you have no mom and no dad to fend for you. That is why I took you in even if I didn't want to! The deal was if you work hard in my restaurant, I will give you money for your school fees. I'm doing my f*cking part, you aren't!" I pulled the phone away from my ears, wincing as I heard her last words.

With this, I drew in a breath and composed myself, resisting the sudden urge to throw my phone in a cliff somewhere and spoke.

"I know Aunt Riza... I'm trying my best to do a good job there, but, this is something important to me too. You might not have noticed but it's already finals next week and if I don't do well I could-"

"Oh shut up!" she yelled, her voice like thunder. "I don't care if it's a final exam or a board exam for all that matters! My conditions were clear, you work well, I support your studies. Ugh! Gosh, you're so useless like that mother of yours!" I was taken aback by her words, the sound of the word 'Mother' ringing unpleasantly in my ears.

Does going to the library deserve this much as a punishment? Did she really need to involve that woman?

"Why are you saying all this, Aunt Riza?" I stammered.

"Ha! Do you actually think I don't know what you have been doing Anna? Hanging out with men almost all the time even inside my restaurant? Who knows if you're even actually studying or are you just in a room with any of them? Your face may trick other people but not me, Anna, not me. I know your junk!" I couldn't even begin to comprehend the nonsense she was saying.

What in the actual heck was she thinking?

"Well... I'm really sorry aunt Riza for being such a useless burden to you." I retorted "I know looking after me is hell, believe me; I'm trying to do what I can to meet your expectations. But I do need to do what I must in school as well." I explained, barely caring about what she may say.

"And I just couldn't help but notice the stories you're throwing at me right now though? It seemed a little too much. You see, the men I've been 'hanging out' with for the last two months? They're my group mates for our research paper. Oh, and one more thing! The last time I remembered, they weren't all men. Two of them were women, Aunt Riza. And if you insist that you only saw men, then I suggest you look at our group's list. Your stories aren't any truer than the fake hair you're wearing!"

I couldn't bear to hear her voice much longer. I was glad the screen of my phone hadn't broken as it hit the floor. Aunt Riza is just terrible. I drew in a deep breath and began to compose myself.

"Hey, Anna!" I jolted upright as I heard a familiar voice from behind, I turned my gaze, my lips curving into a smile as I saw Mercy in the doorway.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" I asked, meeting her with a hug as she entered.

"I just wanted to invite you. The guys saw the new bar opening up in town. They say it's amazing! Wanna come?" She enticed, excitement ringing in her voice.

"Uhmm... you know, I kind of have a lot of things to do right now..."

She shook her head. "Oh come on Anna, just this time? You're going to rot in here if you don't go out sometimes!"

"Really, I..." I sighed, reconsidering her invitation.

Well! Why not try to become what my aunt accuses me of just for once. "Hmm... alright! I guess I could use some drinks right now as well."

"Yes!!! ...but wait, what do you mean? Did something happen?"

"Oh, trust me; you do not want to hear it..." Mercy gave me a suspicious look. "Fine, but you do still have to tell me about it, okay?"

"Sure Mer, maybe later..." She gave me a nod and began to pull my arm.

"So let's go?"

"Let's go,"

---

My thoughts began to wander away as we walked to the bar, unwanted memories from the past surging my mind as I took each step.

Gosh, here we go again!

I resisted the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes, taking a deep breath lest I gave in to the whirlwind of emotions that engulfed me. It has always been a mystery to me how words carry such power. After all, all my aunt said was the word 'mother', and yet the effect it had on me was something I wasn't prepared for.

I hate hearing that word. And as much as I tried to push these memories away, my heart still manages to smuggle them back in. My brows furrowed in frustration.

I hate this!

I lifted my gaze, careful not to trigger the tears again. The painful memory of that woman flooding back to my mind.

Why couldn't she have just stayed? I felt my breathing pace faster, and I began to walk slower, withdrawing from my friends lest they notice the change in my countenance.

"Anna?" My gaze jolted upward to the sound of Mercy's voice. "Are you okay? You're unusualy silent."

"Yeah, I'm sorry... You know me. Sometimes words just wouldn't find their way out of my mouth."

"Mm-hmm?" She looked at me with suspicion, and I sighed in surrender. Being my best friend for three years now, I knew she could read my every action.

"Fine," I lifted my gaze to her and began to speak. "It's Aunt Riza. She--" I saw her nod as I spoke. "You know her. You probably know what I mean already."

"Why, what'd she say?" Mercy asked.

"Well, she got upset that I left the restaurant early," I began, "I told her it was for a research and we're nearing finals. She could've just scolded me though. Instead she found it necessary ,to accuse me of sleeping with men in school and comparing me to my mother. Like seriously? Why mention her?" I rolled my eyes as I spoke, irritation engulfing my being.

"Ugh, She's the worst." Mercy replied in assent.

"She is," I nodded, recalling the six years in high school I endured with her since I came to study in the city.

"If not for my Grandmother back in Ifugao. I would've given everything up already." I replied, lowering my head as memories of Apu Aginaya flashed in my head.

"Oh Anna, I feel so--" Mercy paused mid-sentence, our gazes altered as we heard a loud voice coming from the other side of the street.

I searched for whom the voice belonged to, and was surprised to see a well-dressed man standing on a platform. If I wasn't mistaken, the man held a Bible in his hand.

"Ah, Jesus-people." I heard Mercy whisper.

My gaze studied the man as we walked. I haven't actually seen many preachers, but I do know that the few I have seen don't give me this strange feeling. I've seen some preachers preach loudly until their voices ran out, and this man was no different, except that there was something in his voice that seemed to draw me, and I could not resist listening.

"What's he doing?" I asked, my gaze unaltered.

"Uhm, I don't know, probably just another exercise where preachers shout 'God is Love' blah- blah, those kinds of stuff. As if a loving God would let all these bad things happen in the world." I saw her lower her head in disgust. Her words struck me... she does have a point. Would a loving God allow these things to happen on his watch?

Is there even a God?

The faint sound of music heightened as we came closer to the building. I took in a breath, refocusing my attention to the Bar's entrance as we walked. And as soon as I took the first step inside, the loud music instantly overwhelmed me.

It's party time!

---

My head seemed to churn as I made my way towards the table, balancing myself as hard as I could lest I fall to the cold floor. Almost four hours of drinking and dancing had passed, and the exhaustion was unbearable.

I groaned in discomfort as I took a seat on one of the chairs, the view of the two bottles of Emperador that I singlehandedly consumed occupying my blurry vision. I sighed, leaned against the table and closed my eyes... t,he memories of my aunt's words flooding my mind.

Ugh, I hate her!

My, it looks like the liquor failed to help me forget tonight.

I shut my eyes forcibly, feeling each nudge of pain in my head. A warm trickle of tears slipped down my cheeks, and with this, I felt myself give in to the emotions that strangled my every breath.

Why am I so damn miserable?

Memories now claimed my thoughts, the ones I've been resisting to think of now one by one resurfacing.

I begged her! I begged her not to leave! Why did she? Why?

My heart pounded against my chest. I lifted my gaze momentarily, and soon lowered them gain as I lay my head upon the table.

If she hadn't left, Daddy could've still been alive right now. And I wouldn't be so miserable.

My fist beat the table in frustration, words of hatred slipping from my mouth without control.

Mercy was right, it's senseless. If there really is a God, or as they say a 'loving' God, then why are there some lives that remain unloved? Are there people who are simply born to be rejected? What kind of god does that!?

Tears flowed incessantly from my eyes, and my vision turned like a wheel. The music around me resounded loudly, but I could hear my heart beating louder than it. Indeed, loneliness creates the loudest noise, and the noise was beginning to break me to pieces.

I slowly lifted myself from the chair and used all my strength to walk. I need to get out of here. My whole body felt so heavy that even walking seemed to be the hardest thing in the world. My lips were tightly shut but inside, my heart was screaming. As I reached the back door, my knees began to tremble. My sight began to dim and panic surged my heart as I felt my body break down. I fell to my knees and the tears again slid from my eyes.

"God..." I managed to speak, surprised by the first word that slipped off my lips. "If ever there is a God up there... If You really exist as they say. Then... Save me."

I lifted my gaze, taking a deep breath as I stared into the starry skies. I felt my lids tug, and utter darkness welcomed me.