Today has been kind of off putting I guess, I'm deciding to use this as an actual journal kind of theme so don't mind the weird change ups.

Anyway, Back to what I was saying, Today was pretty bad but not the worst? I had some fun with my online friends, I care about them a fucking and they definitely made me forget about some things that's been going on recently.

But, After a while i don't know, My mind went kind of blank I guess. I felt overwhelmed as well, Mainly thanks to what's going on in the realm of side of my life.

... to be honest, I'm feeling more suicidal recently.

I don't want to die, I would feel like i disappointed some of my closet friends, Not to mention if I died right now AFTER everything that has happened regarding them.. I feel like I'm looking for attention in some way.

It's also not like I have anything to be suicidal about (right now at least), Sure my dad's an asshole, My mum is ill and even my little sister is a bit "eh" but there's nothing for me to feel this way about.

I'm not sure what's going on in my mind, I feel like at this point I don't even know who I am. Everyone online thinks I'm super nice and supportive, Which, I am.. I really hope I am no matter what. But the people irl are always complaining about me being to introverted and boring, Being to much of an asshole and easily angered to have fun around.

Myself? I think I'm just there, I'm not above others but I hope I'm not below most people. To me, I feel like i change my personality depending on who I'm with. I feel like I'm manipulating people, Knowing or unknowing I'm not exactly sure.. Surley it has to be something right?

Acting like something I'm not and having everyone believe in it. Or maybe I'm manipulating myself into thinking that I'm not supportive, caring and whatever else i show myself as online.

I honestly don't know anything about anything anymore, Myself, My friends irl, My own family.. I don't know, I have so much information on them all sure, But i feel like I somehow, in some way, I'm just a complete stranger to them.

...

Turning to my friends on the other side of the screen for a moment though, They all kind of disappeared.. Not literally or anything but we never talk anymore. Whenever I'm around them I feel like I'm just a side piece in a game. Someone they needed so they didn't feel awkward or anything.

You know AJ? I feel like he's starting to fade away from me as well, I said that we made up and all, And I thought we had but recently it's been nothing.

Regardless of that, I always make sure to check up on him. There's a possibility he was going through something, Right? While that's reassuring that he would only be ignoring and distancing himself because of that, I feel rather disgusted in myself for thinking that. I genuinely care for him, Of course I do.. I wouldn't want him to go through anything at all, Whether he leaves me or not.

I know not to be too pushy either, So if he did want to ditch me.. I suppose i'd have to come in terms with his wishes.

..as for my other friends, We were distant to begin with. Nothing has really been the same since someone joined in our little circle of friends.

Maybe I should write them all a letter, Just in case I do end up leaving the world soon. As much as I doubt they would notice or read the letter, I would feel bad if I ditched them out of nowhere as they practically have.

Should I do the for my online friends as well? As much as I love the thought of them caring so  much, I think I would prefer to go out silently. If I'm quiet about it all then they would use assume I hated them or didn't want to be friends with them anymore, Right?

It seems out of character for me, But I doubt they would catch on. Though they probably could, They're smart people after all.

I just wouldn't want them to try stop me is all, I love them all too dearly for that to happen. If I didn't die I would feel guilty or not being able to kill my self off, I would feel as if I basically lied to her attention.

I'm not sure.

Maybe I won't kill myself off.

Maybe I will.

I'm not even sure with my own mind.

I feel blank inside.

Like the light was just strikened from my body I guess.

I don't even know what I mean.

...

I ate all three meals today, I have that to be proud of I guess. It was nothing big, Just some toast and then noodles/ramen.

I can't drink any water though, I drink bottles because the water here is more toxic than my parent's relationship. And we ran out of bottled water (we're also broke rn)

..I'm not sure what else to add really.

I just know that a bunch of you are going to report me for being "worried" or whatever, I know the place isn't exactly for ranting and venting about your life.. But seriously, You people and wattpad it's self pisses me off.

There's nothing wrong with just scrolling past a vent, Ignoring a notification, Etc etc.

....

I need help, From anyone at this point. I know therapists are just a waste of money seeing that they do practically nothing to actually help you. But at this point, I just need somebody that will listen to my problems.

I know my friends keep saying that I can vent to them, But in all honesty, It's rather uncomfortable to do that. I try, I really do try don't get me wrong.

It's just that i'm so used to being closed off and shit that I don't even feel comfortable or any form of anything in venting to them.

They all have such more important shit to deal with and here I am crying and sobbing over practically nothing. And I know people say "don't compare your trauma to other people's" but at this point, that's ALL I can do.

I have parent issues sure, But who fucking doesn't? I'm sat here sobbing my seventeen year old ass off about my dad being an asshole. Sure he abused me physically in the past, But that was the PAST. Sure he's still very much mentally abusive.. but that's nothing compared to what not only my friends face but the other people of the fucking world!

I hate the world so much, I sit here in my bed most of the time now because I'm too scared to because of the people that exist.

Speaking of horrible people, I found out a few weeks ago that practically everyone on my dad's side of the family are fucking psycho's. Most of them have been in jail for basic things like robbing shit and drunk driving but holy fuck.

I hate myself even more to know I'm related to the other people. They've done so much fucking crap. It's not like I even know who these people are, I haven't met them but the soul thought to know that I'm blood related to some of the?

It puts me off the wrong way.

Like, What if, Somehow I became like that? I'm not sure what would ever drive me to do such a thing but the possibility is there. And that's what scares me.

I don't want to be someone like that.

I'm not like that, am i?

I can't even tell what I am anymore.. I could be someone like that.. I'm someone else's life I could have affected them in the same way they affected other lives.. a little different sure but the same nonetheless.

That frightens me.

....

Aiden said he was feeling better, He even said he was going to the Lego store! I'm glad, He seriously deserves to be happy.

I hope he got something of his interest. I'd love to see a picture of the final product, Maybe even a video of him making it? But that last one might sound weird-

I don't know at this point, Being overly honest with myself I would say that I've grown quite attached to him.

It rally hurt when, That, happened only a few days ago. I'm glad he didn't die.. I'm seriously glad that never happened.

I feel rather useless when it comes to these sort of things, As much as many people say that I'm helpful in this all, I can't help but doubt them highly.

For Aiden, I barely did anything. I wasn't a doctor so I couldn't tell whether or not he should have went to the hospital right away. And he was pretty damn stubborn on telling his parents (which I don't blame him for but it only ever made me more worried)

..anyway, Since there wasn't much I, myself could even do I feel guilty for that.

I'm glad he's alive and seemingly doing well though. It makes me a little happier knowing that.

..maybe I've grown to attached to him and my other friends..

I know he would miss me if I died, I know he would try to stop me like the hypocrite he is.. I guess that's something we have in common, Being two suicidal people trying to stop one another.

..he was so worried about Feliks hating him once he found out, I knew that wasn't the truth at all.

Feliks, He kind of reminds me a lot of myself.. He said he was bad at comforting and didn't exactly know what to say to Aiden when he figured out so he responded with an "oh".

I was like that, Before a few friends of mine came into my life. I'm not fully sure but I do believe the first time I met Muchiko was during a suicidal episode.

I had met Lucille either the same day or a few weeks beforehand, I remember comforting Luci the best I could, God, In my eyes that was so fucking bad and full of  pure false hope.

Muchi went by Angie back then, I remember that.. Only a few months ago as well.

Time sure flies by when you're around people you genuinely enjoy being around, Mmh?

...

I wish I could meet everyone online, I mean.. I've grown to like all of them a lot, I think I'm honestly falling into an unhealthy thing of dependency on them.

Sure, I don't openly out right say it but like.. I'm definitely dependent on them, It's like I need them in order to be happy.

That's even more depressing now that I think about it.

....

I'll try to stop that though, I don't want anything to be unhealthy and make them uncomfortable.

Maybe if I cut myself out of their lives for around a week or so, I'll stop it from being weird?

I honestly think that may have been how I've lost so many people in the real world.

...

You know when you just stare at something, Or listen to something and you get reminded of things from your past?

That didn't happen at all but I thought I'd bring it up for no reason:3

Uhhh let's see what else has happened.. My dad was being a jerk again, He kept yelling at me and said some pretty harmfully things.

Oh, And he calls me a faggot practically daily now, He comes up with the excuse of "But you are one." As if that gives him the rights to say that kind of thing.

He's been a little more uh.. Creative? I suppose, He found out some other words that hold a pretty similar meaning.

He's also been saying the r slur as well (that's been labelled as a slur towards disabled people; Being honest I don't see it offensive: From a disabled person myself and someone who has multiple disabled family members. But to each their own I guess?)

Anyway, He keeps saying it to people whenever he's driving, Or like yesterday when I was getting ice cream, Some nice woman was asking if I could help her grab something and out of literally nowhere he grabbed me and pulled me away from her saying that she was completely re—-ted. Like.. wtf?

...

Uhmm.. I haven't talked much to Luci, Vean or Muchi today... I'm not sure I didn't feel like talking much, I guess.

Maybe I did talk a lot? To me it seemed like so little.

I really want to talk to them more, But at this point I feel too drained to act like myself.

:/

Oh! Aiden did a face reveal! He's the most adorable human being alive!! He's seriously the sweetest thing someone could have possibly put into this earth.

I'm glad he had the confidence to do so! Not that he needs to be insecure when he looks like that one fictional character that's genuinely wholesome everyone be wanting to jump out of the screen.

Basically. He looks good, More than good! He's perfectly adorable.

I think I might have a favourite person.. just a hunch though-🧍‍♀️

I wanna eat some strawberries, But we ran out..

Somebody: "Name an artist that has most songs you relate to."

Me: "NF."

I relate to practically all of their songs a little too hard.. speaking of which, I feel more pathetic right now..

——————————

It's around eleven at night, and I feel like dying again. I know I want to go out quietly but, I wanted to leave something for people, I guess...

Aiden, You're seriously the best person I could possibly ask for in my life. I'm glad we met.. Seriously so fucking glad we met.

You always manage to cheer me up by simply existing. No matter what mood I'm in you seem to always brighten my day, Like the ray of sunshine you are.

I feel like, In a strange way.. You're an angel.. As incredibly cheesy as it is, You're far too perfect to be lumped into the "human" category.

Aiden, Please don't go ahead and do anything when I'm gone. Please? As my (hopefully) dying wish I don't want you to see you in the afterlife.. if that's even a thing.

....

Muchi? I love you so fucking much, Please be safe, Please.. I can't handle if anything ever happened to you whether it's suicidal or from those terrible people you live with and around..

You're really one of the sweetest people I know, Yet the most mysterious as well.. I still have so much to learn about you and I'm glad I did have that opportunity to explore so.

Vean? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I ignored your call for help, I know you said that Aiden and Muchi needed the support.. But you can't expect me to simply brush this off! It's not just that, No matter how hard I try to include you in things.. It never seems to ever work.

I hate it, I seriously hate how much of a fucking neglectful friend I am towards you. I'm sorry, I'm seriously fucking sorry.

You deserve so much better than that all. You seriously deserve so, so, so much better than me. And hopefully.. you'll find them.

I'm acting as though we're actually dating, But I mean this all in a friendly way. I'm sorry. As your friend I should be able to drop anything the moment you call for help.

The moment you feel even an ounce of discomfort, distress, Anything of the sort! I should be there for you.

I can't blame it on anything anymore but myself. I'm sorry, Maybe I'm being overly dramatic about it, But to me this is serious..

What if you did die?

I never said goodbye

I never got to try comfort you through the pain.

I did nothing. I wouldn't have known.

I'm sorry.

Lucille? You're the best, I'm glad you've been a large part of my life. You deserve so much more than I can possibly gif you.

You also remind me of myself a little, Brushing your own problems under a rug while trying to fix everybody's broken problems.

It's truly admirable, Yet, So stupid.. I wish you opened up more. Though I respect that you don't feel comfortable doing so a lot.. <3

Stella, The same as Aiden.. You frighten me a little bit I'm sure as fucking hell glad that you exist in the same world as I do.

Please, Never do anything stupid, Okay?

As for everyone else. I love you all so fucking much, words can only scratch the bare surface of what I mean behind them.

......

Hopefully by tomorrow, Things will feel free'er.. And I'm signing off

—Nichole <3