GUYS PLEASE SOMEHOW HELP ME :(

Okay, nothing too worrying, so don't worry too much!! I will however put a warning for uhm.. anything to do with ✨g e n d e r✨ i am not sure what exactly i am warning you about, however if anyone get's triggered with stuff to do with gender (i really don't know what to say to explain it better) then please do leave. it might not be very important or worth of a trigger warning, but if at any point this COULD trigger somebody somehow i seriously wouldn't want that.

Now with that being said, i'm struggling with some things and i'm not sure how to fully word things as not even i, myself, fully understand everything. So, as probably most people know i am friends (online) with many people of the trans community and/or gender ✨yes✨ people (yes, i did just sneak a fnaf reference in here.) so i am sorry if at some point i do come off as offensive, i really don't mean to be.

although having people in these communities, and obviously doing my best to be supportive [although being honest i usually forget they're like that, and i mean, in the 'friends with a trans person (male - female) and forgetting that they were at some point a man-' way, and while it's great that they obviously seem to pass in my books i think it's a little bad that i managed to forget T-T.]. however being completely clear with all of you, i'm not sure how any of it physically works.

Like, i have a few oc's of mine that are trans (they've always been since around 2019 or so) yet i think their more "Sterotypical" and obviously when trying to write about them i want them to come off as realistic (but not too realistic), and because i don't know a whole lot (especially in writing the process of their transformation) i want to ask people in those situations how to exactly do so without it being too uhm "much"??? but then also i don't want to bring possible trauma or discomfort in asking them (even if their my friends).

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My SECOND thing continuing with the gender trigger warning thing is actually faintly important.. so, just a really quick question which i duely hope does not trigger anything at all; 'how do you know if your transgender or gender neutral/fluid?'

i'll be honest, i've always been a little curious to how you just figure it out (without the trauma some carry). Because i'm not sure, i don't think i'm trying to say that i am suddenly trans or gn or anything, but... maybe?

Like, i don't necessarily feel 'uncomfortable' in my skin as most people will probably say is one of the signs of having gender dysphoria and going through an entire thing of trying to figure it out. And i don't necessarily wish to do most of the work others do (which i feel is heavily required is it not? (for being trans)) like, the voice work (which actually i would do but i feel like it's just a lot-), getting surgery or wearing whatever they're called (1. my boobs would suffocate and 2. surgery scares me).

So i wouldn't say i'm wondering if i could be trans, though sometimes i wish i was a guy? not only because i feel like.. well i don't know.. i really struggle with trying to explain myself here.. i wouldn't not feel comfortable being a guy, does that make sense? but then because i'm pan i feel like a part of me is just like 'i wanna be a guy and like guys' but that feels wrong to say (in the "oh, your just fetishising BL!" which i am not at all trying or wanting to do; thinking about so disgusts me-)

okay? so that's the trans part, i want your opinions on that before continuing on;

I feel like i might be gender neutral (or genderfluid), just because i'm comfortable in my skin(ish) and honestly have never cared what pronouns people have used for me [at some point in my life when fornite was a big deal i was playing with some kids (omg the good times, i was awesome), and they thought i was a guy the entire time, it made me happy.] and i do feel happy whenever people don't tend to use 'she/her' (mainly whenever they just say my name and use no pronouns tbh- but that's pretty hard to avoid doing so-)

 And i've always felt more comfortable in masculine clothing, sometimes feminine but not too much. I feel like i have more of a masc look in general (especially when my hair in a certain way) and i do like myself much more like so.

i really might be over thinking, which is exactly why i put the warning; just in case i am and do accidently somehow cause an argument about this all. but i want other people's opinions, and being honest once more. I have literally no friends outside of being online (seriously) and my family are pretty iffy about changing genders (especially if people use 'they/them' because it's "a plural" and it pisses them off).

I really don't know anymore, i just wanted some thoughts on it or something and now i'm in a stupid spiral, most likely over nothing.

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Outside of that, my sexuality check :3 because why the fuck not!!

- Pansexual : for sure, my opinion and taste has not changed at all, however i do just say i'm bisexual (to my parents and such) just because it's easier to explain and my parents just think being bisexual is liking all genders but not necessarily because of their gender but mainly for their personality and shit.

- Asexual : ALWAYS. For sure, i will never even glance at a dick to be honest (or vigina unless it's like- mine for whatever reason ??) am i being a little dramatic, obviously. However, as much as i do enjoy me some heavy smut (being uncomfortable at times but managing to get by because of humour) and those sort of jokes along friends. Honestly, i hate the thought of actually doing the deed and such.

Which is my main problem with actually trying to find somebody to date (if i ever wanted to), because most (not all) people want to have sex and whatever. Soooo, my best bet is to find a fellow Asexual person :D ...and that causes a lot of work, energy and serious detective shit because it's weird to just go "sex, what's your thoughts on it?" (being dramatic AGAIN- i know there's better ways to just ask somebody)

- Demiromantic : So far, i'm sticking to this due to the fact that i do want to experience romantic attraction to somebody, however, i know damn well that it's a rare thing i want to experience (i say it a lot but i only mean it rarely if that makes sense?) and only with those i have a very strong bond relationship with. (VERY strong bond, not just "best friends" it's a whole confusing thing of mine). + i've always prefered platonic relationships over romantic ones anyway.

- Polyamorous/polyamory : Okay, this one is REALLY far fetched and something that has just crossed my mind recently alright, so i do apologies if anything i say (and assume) comes off wrong and i offend somebody.

Continuing with this however, i've noticed how ever since 2013 or so i've always read fanfictions with the MC (usually being y/n) having multiple lovers [not just two and it being a love triangle, i mean like a fucking yandere simulator, Toro Yamada type shit] and while the MC tends to choose one of them in the end, i've always enjoyed how they have genuine relationships and feelings for everyone somewhat equally and having the mental argument constantly of who to choose (which is why most fics of mine has that as well).

If the MC does end up actually dating two-three or maybe more (but that's rare) of the lovers then it always seems to make me happy. And i do know that shouldn't be something i'm basing my questionable own preferences on, but without knowing ANYTHING about polyamory from people that's actually polyamorous there's little to go off (and google sucks)

I've thought about how it would be with two(mainly) or possibly more lovers, but it's kind to hard to imagine something you both want and don't want (meaning 'lover(s)' in general). It seems like a nice thing, but at the same time not? it might be one of those things that i like in fiction but not in reality? but then idk.. sometimes i really love the idea of it becoming a reality, but.. ugh. i have a lack of proper information to go off.

And before anyone notes down "Polywonder" (Me, Lucille, Muchiko and Veany) i do want to bring it to your attention in case you didn't know (which is MORE than okay that you didn't know!!) but we are all highly platonic married couples [with everyone involved, i do want it to come to your attention that Muchiko and Lucille ARE a romantic couple and are okay with Polywonder because it's platonic and such with Vean  and myself].

We flirt jokingly (Lucille and Muchiko obviously both jokingly flirting with everyone involved while being serious/somewhat serious(depends) with one another). okay? so i highly doubt being apart of 'Polywonder' has something to do with or could help figure this out. 

[just in case somebody WERE to mention it!! and to clear things up better: Vean, Me, Muchiko and Luccile = PLATONIC.. meanwhile Lucille x Muchiko = canon romantic lovebirds]

- Possible gender stuff [explained before].

Now, moving past my cry for help!! I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT HAIR STYLE TO DO THAT I BELIEVE WILL LOOK GOOD (like a wolfcut type thing!) i just have to find a hair straightener or somehow gather enough money to purchase such a stupidly expensive thing :') HEHEHE i'll post a picture with the hairstlye whenever i manage to do so bc why not lmao <3

ANYWAY!! Stay sparkling my beloved army and friends uwu