It was just before 6pm when I entered the Maruka. I looked for Usagi and found her at one of the wooden tables. Maruka was quite a small restaurant, but it had a reputation as one of the best udon noodle restaurants in Tokyo. It was a real insider tip, but you had to be prepared for it to be full at almost any time of day. My order was already taken at the entrance, so the waiting times were much shorter.

Usagi smiled when I sat down with her. She made a much more positive impression on me than a few weeks ago at the clinic. She was also wearing very feminine clothes, which I hadn't seen on her before. However, I had to admit that the look suited her surprisingly well and emphasised her femininity.

"Hello Tsuki. I'm really glad to see you," she said cheerfully. "How are you?"

I smiled back, but was afraid that she could tell it was just a fake smile.

"Well, I'm doing quite well again health-wise. And you?"

"I'm almost back to my old self. Once the rehab is over, I hope I can finally get going again."

She sounded so incredibly motivated that I was almost envious of her for a moment. My motivation, on the other hand, had suffered a lot since Chishiya's bad news the day before. Even though I had painstakingly forced myself to carry on, I had hardly made any progress with my webtoon since then. Instead, I was busy moping and wallowing in my self-pity. If this was going to continue, I might as well not bother.

"Glad to hear it," I replied, at least trying to sound like it.

"Is everything okay?" she asked hesitantly. "You seem a bit down."

I put on a carefree smile.

"Don't worry about it. You'd better tell me how things are going with you and Arisu."

Her face suddenly took on a little more colour.

"Well, it's going surprisingly well. We're... together I think."

I stared at her, frowning.

"You think? Haven't you worked it out yet?"

"Well, we spend almost every day together and we do things that a couple does, but we haven't made it official. However, we do want to look for an apartment together soon."

"Oh, then it must be really serious between you," I said in amazement as I felt a painful tug in my chest. I'd have to lie if I said I wasn't jealous of them.

Obviously everything was going great for them, while my life was going down the drain.

"What about you and Chishiya?" she asked hesitantly.

I laughed bitterly and took a generous sip of the rice wine.

"Next question, please."

"Does he still not remember you?"

I just shook my head.

"That's weird. You know, one reason I wanted to meet you is because I've remembered by now. I mean everything." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Even Borderland."

I stared at her, completely perplexed.

"Is that...true? You remember?" I asked in dismay. "How?"

"It was mainly situations with Arisu that were similar to the ones we've been through before. The more time we spent together, the more the memories came back bit by bit. And he remembers most of it now too."

"So he knows that you knew each other before?"

Usagi nodded.

"Yes, it took him a little longer, but eventually his memories came back all by themselves."

I hung my head sadly and sipped the wine again.

"That's really nice for you."

"Have you spoken to Chishiya again since the hospital?"

I nodded.

"Yes... I've been with him every day at work. I wanted him to remember at all costs. It didn't quite work out the way I'd hoped, though. Nevertheless, he seemed to like me. At least that's what I thought until recently."

"What happened then?"

"I don't know exactly. One evening we got closer and kissed. Everything was perfect, but the very next moment he suddenly doesn't want anything to do with me."

She sighed and looked at me sympathetically.

"Maybe your kiss reminded him of something?"

"I don't think it was the kiss. It was something else. But even if he had remembered. Then why doesn't he want any more contact with me? That makes absolutely no sense."

"Hmm, I can see why that confuses you. Chishiya is more of a loner. Maybe he needs more time to process the whole thing. But of course I don't know him that well either."

The waitress suddenly stood next to us and placed a bowl of steaming hot udon noodle soup on the table. We thanked her and I eagerly reached for the chopsticks. By now I was pretty famished because I had hardly managed to down anything edible today.

"Looks really good. Enjoy it," Usagi said and also reached for her cutlery.

"Thanks, you too."

When we had finished eating, Usagi picked up our conversation from earlier.

"Maybe you really should give him the time he needs, even though it's certainly difficult for you. But everyone deals with near-death experiences differently."

"Do you think it was something like that at all? Sometimes I believe that what we experienced there was reality. How else is it possible that we all remember the same thing?" I questioned.

"Yes, I've thought about that too. Maybe it really was real. Our memories certainly are. And I'm sure that Chishiya will soon remember everything and come back to you. After all, he put his own life on the line for you. To be honest, I thought he would be the last person that is capable of such a selfless act. So he must really like you."

What Usagi said definitely sounded plausible. Nevertheless, I was now very unsure whether he would come back to me.

"He must not have been so nice to you at the Beach," I said with a guilty expression, as if I was the one responsible.

"Well, he deliberately let Arisu fall into a trap and risked dying in the process. And he handed me over to Niragi. I guess that's why it surprised me that he's with someone like you, of all people. You're pretty much the opposite of him. But maybe that's why it works."

"He's changed a lot since then, too."

"Obviously you've changed him," she said with an amused smile.

My cheeks warmed a little.

"It's possible..."

We talked for a while about Usagi's future plans and Arisu's new degree programme as a game developer at a renowned computer science faculty. According to Usagi, he really wanted to develop a computer game modelled on Boderland, which I had to admit I thought was pretty cool.

When I told her that Chishiya was a medical student, she was almost as surprised as I was when I found out. She said that she had imagined Chishiya working somewhere in the IT industry or as a chemist in a sealed-off laboratory. I actually had to giggle a little at the thought. But maybe that was also because I had already finished my third glass of sake. When I wanted to order a fourth, Usagi fortunately stopped me in time and called the waitress to the table to pay our bill. I was already tipsy enough at that point to generously pay for Usagi's share as well, even though she tried to protest several times.

"You can't take really much, huh?" Usagi realised when we had left the restaurant.

"Nah, but who caaresss? I always save so muchh money that way."

"You shouldn't get drunk thoughtlessly just because you're feeling bad. I'm sure Chishiya wouldn't approve of that either."

"Yeah, well... I don' care if he approves or not. S'not his business anyway."

"I understand that it numbs the pain a little, but it doesn't change the situation," she said calmly as we walked side by side.

Her words strangely brought tears to my eyes and I suddenly sobbed out loud.

"Whyy's he doin' this to meee? I haate him!" I wailed, howling like some poor stray dog.

In no time at all, tears and snot were running down my face, but I didn't care.

Usagi seemed a little overwhelmed by my sudden outburst and handed me a tissue.

"Calm down, Tsuki. Everything will be fine. And I don't think you hate him either. You're only saying that because you're hurt and angry now."

"I dooo hate him," I hiccuped, voice all shaky, wiping my face with the cloth. "Thinks he's sooo damn smart... treatin' me like dirt! He sooo doesn't deserve me. I'm way too nice. Like, waay too nice f'r him."

I leaned heavy against Usagi, who tried her best to comfort me.

"Tsuki, please calm down. People are already staring."

"Let 'em!" I slurred, scowling at a few strangers. "Whatchu starin' at, huh? Never seen a girl with a brok'n heart befor'?"

Usagi sighed deeply.

"Come on!" she said patiently. "I'll order you a taxi."

She pulled out her phone and dialled. I heard her mumblig something into it.

"They will be here in 15 minutes to pick you up," she said after hanging up. "I'll stay here until then, okay?"

"I didn't even do anythin' wrong..." I sniffled and clung to her again. "Why's he bein' sooo mean to me?"

Usagi patted my back gently, clearly not sure what else to do.

"I don't know. But you have to try not to take it personally. It's not your fault."

"But it huuurrts..." I whined, draggin' the word out. "So, so muchh..."

Usagi closed the car door and waved to me before we drove off and she disappeared out of sight. Fortunately, it wasn't far to my house. By now I was regretting drinking so much sake. At first I had only been a little more light-hearted, but now I could feel an irrepressible rage welling up inside me. I was angry at Chishiya, but above all at myself for not having better control over these feelings. But also because I had once again been so naive as to believe that everything between us could go back to the way it used to be.

When I made it up to my appartement, I dropped onto my bed exhausted, clutching my mobile phone tightly in my hand, which was currently showing the chat with Chishiya.

Just like the day before, I pressed the microphone to leave him a voice message:

"Chishiyaaah... Can y'hear me? I jus'... jus' wanted t'tell ya... ya can crossh me, y'hear? I. Haaate. You. An' I don' missh you, nope. Just-just so ya know, okay? I dun' care. 'Bout you. At all. I'm fine without ya. Jus' peachy, really. An' yeah, I drank-duh!-'course I did, but y'don' even talk to me no more, sooo... screw it. Have a nice life, Doc. Byeee."

I carelessly threw the mobile phone aside and then wept bitterly into my pillow. For some reason, I felt even more miserable than before. While Usagi and Arisu were apparently leading a carefree life together, I was doomed to be lonely and unhappy. However, I only wanted one thing. Chishiya.

Even though my alcohol consumption the night before might not have been the best idea, it still let me sleep soundly. However, I woke up the next morning with a pounding head, which was hardly surprising given my low alcohol tolerance. I vaguely remembered that I had become quite emotional and had probably embarrassed Usagi with my behaviour. I should really apologise to her as soon as possible.

Before I did, however, I popped an ibuprofen to help with the persistent headache. Only then did I reach for my mobile phone. I unlocked the display and stared at the open chat with Chishiya. The moment I saw the last message, I remembered my last action just before I fell asleep. I groaned and grabbed my aching forehead. Damn. What had I done? Hesitantly, I pressed play and listened to the entire voicemail, burying my face in my hands more and more with each passing second. By now it was almost 11 o'clock and he had almost certainly already listened to the message. So there would be little point in deleting it now.

What would Chishiya think of me now?

When my words died out in the recording, all you could hear were distant sobs. I honestly don't know which was worse. My thoughtless, hateful words to him when I was drunk or that he had heard me uncontrollably indulge in my tears afterwards. Both was admittedly just pathetic and I would have loved to sink to the ground in shame.

I dialled the message and deleted it, even though I knew that he would soon notice. I had probably ruined my chances of a relationship with him for good. Not that it would make much of a difference. He didn't seem to care about me anyway.

When I realised that I had a new message, I opened it quickly. As expected, it was from Usagi.

I bit my lower lip hard as I read her text. After everything that had happened, she was still friendly and understanding.

For a brief moment, I thought about confessing to her about my voice message to Chishiya, but then decided against it. The whole thing was uncomfortable enough. The less people knew about it, the better.

For the next two days, I was a shadow of my former self. I hardly ate anything and didn't manage to get the sleep I longed for. My thoughts just went round in circles. As I sat in front of my graphics tablet, they prevented me from achieving anything meaningful. I was almost glad that I would soon be able to go back to work. My existence felt completely superfluous at the moment. The reason to motivate myself to do something had simply disappeared.

Nevertheless, I looked at my mobile phone every day and hoped for some tiny reaction from him. Obviously I was wrong, though. He didn't like me.

Otherwise he would have contacted me long ago. Even Chishiya wouldn't be so cold as to treat the person he liked like that. I certainly couldn't imagine it. And that could only mean that he hadn't cared about me from the start. Perhaps he had only returned the kiss the other day out of politeness.

Usagi had written to me almost every day since we met and asked me how I was doing. I reassured her every time that everything was fine, even if it was anything but that, but I didn't want to bother her unnecessarily with my confusing emotional chaos.

However, four days before my sick leave ended, I decided to muster up some motivation for the last two remaining chapters of my webtoon. I had put so much work into this project that I didn't want to just give up so close to the end. And I was still determined to send it to Chishiya, no matter what was going on between us. And I already had a plan.

I'd work through the remaining days off, including night shifts. At the moment, this project was the only thing I had left of Chishiya. It was my only consolation and also the best distraction from the agonising pain and the recurring thoughts.

In retrospect, I had gained a few more dark circles under my eyes, but at least I could say that I had followed through with something all the way to the end. And honestly, it had been a long time since I had poured so much heart and soul into something as I did into this webtoon.

When I finally finished it, I cried-out of relief, but also because it genuinely made me sad that it was all over now.

It felt like suddenly falling into a deep, black hole, without knowing where it would lead. Into a simple rabbit hole-or perhaps straight into Wonderland?

The familiar smell of disinfectant hit my nose as I entered Sakurazaka Hospital once again. Even though I wasn't sure if Nakamura would even be there, I had to at least try. I had no luck at his office this time, but at least they told me that he was on the late shift. As it was just after midday, I had to wait for almost two hours. Out of habit, I sat down on the cushioned bench again. For a moment, I almost felt as if Chishiya was going to appear at the end of the corridor at any moment and tell me that everything would be fine. But that was probably more my personal wishful thinking.

I unlocked the screen of my smartphone and looked wistfully at the photo of him that was still set as my wallpaper. Somehow I hadn't had the heart to change it. Looking at it was enough to make me smile and reminisce happily. At the same time, it also made me infinitely sad. The longing for him became more unbearable with each passing day. It was still incomprehensible to me that he obviously wasn't like that. Naive as I was, I had actually believed that I was important to Chishiya. If he would at least tell me openly and honestly that he didn't care about me, then I would try to accept that, even if it would ultimately be very painful for me. But the constant uncertainty was almost driving me crazy.

"You again," I heard a familiar voice close by. I looked up and saw Nakamura coming towards me just a few steps away. "I told you Chishiya wasn't coming back."

He stopped in front of me and I stood up.

"I know. I wanted to see you too."

He looked a little taken aback.

"I see, and how can I help you?"

"I want you to hand over something to Chishiya."

He rolled his eyes and sighed.

"So you're still not letting up. I thought you'd come to your senses by now and realised that he's no good for you."

"I'm begging you to. It's really important to me that he gets this," I urged, looking at him pleadingly.

He shook his head uncomprehendingly.

"Don't you have any pride, Izumi? Running after him like that, even though he obviously doesn't appreciate you and he's trampling on your feelings, is kind of pathetic. You'll find someone better than that."

I suddenly got angry.

"I didn't ask for your opinion, Nakamura, I just want you to do me a favour. Is that really too much to ask?"

His face looked a little surprised by my defiant reaction.

"Whatever you say," he groaned devotedly. "Then run straight into your misfortune. But don't say I didn't warn you."

I opened my bag and took out a flat packet. Inside was a tablet and I had loaded the finished webtoon onto the tablet. I had decided against simply uploading it to a cloud and sending him the link. I wanted him to realise how much this meant to me and I also wanted him to be able to watch the webtoon in its original size and not just on his smartphone. Nakamura accepted the parcel with the tablet.

"When will you see each other again?" I asked impatiently.

"In two days when we have our first final exam."

I nodded understandingly.

"I'd really appreciate it if you gave it to him, okay?"

"What exactly is in it?" he wanted to know. "It's a bit heavy for a love letter."

"Nothing you need to know."

"What's all this secrecy about?"

"Just do what I asked you to do, please."

"Fine, I'll do it. But I can't promise he'll accept it."

I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and quickly scribbled my mobile phone number on it. Then I handed him the note.

"Here, please let me know when you've given him the parcel!"

"Anything else?" he growled sullenly. I put on a wan smile.

"No. That's all."

"Good, I've got to get on with it now. You've been holding me up for far too long."

"Thank you very much," I affirmed and bowed deeply to him.

"That's okay," he said and then turned to leave. "See you sometime."

"Good luck with your exams," I said and waved a quick goodbye.

His face contorted almost painfully for a moment.

"Yeah, I could need that."

I exhaled with relief when he had disappeared. Hopefully everything would go well. The webtoon was perhaps my very last chance to make Chishiya remember everything. And if that happened, he might finally get in touch with me again...