It's a regretful walk into Taehyung's house. Jeongguk feels like a coward, accepting shelter he doesn't deserve but that's being openly presented to him.

Taehyung has to guide his friend by the shoulders over to the living room couch. Miserable, grief-stricken Jeongguk with steps heavy, sad, and slow. He collapses. Back bending over immediately after sitting down, head in his hands, sucking air through his teeth, then biting his tongue for the umpteenth time today, this time to refrain from sobbing out loud. The house is relatively quiet, but not dead quiet, as Jeongguk can hear the muffled sounds of a TV and Youjin's voice from upstairs. He doesn't want to disturb anyone. He didn't even want to disturb Taehyung.

The boy in question sits down beside him.

"...did you eat dinner?" He rests a hand on Jeongguk's shoulder. "My mom got home earlier so she made us all dinner, and we have leftovers if you want any."

Jeongguk doesn't respond. His tongue feels sore. He tastes blood, and at the realization of this, Taehyung reacts without hesitation and hurries to the kitchen. Not much later, he's back again with some ice wrapped in a washcloth in one hand and a cup of water in the other.

"Here, hold this against it...the rag, take it—Guk, work with me here, c'mon, man..."

It takes a lot of effort. Physical, mental...it's not easy having invisible weights hanging from every limb. Sluggishly, Jeongguk takes the rag and presses it against the the tip of his tongue where he had bit so aggressively.

"Drink water, too," Taehyung says, urgent but he speaks softly. "I mean I know I'm not a doctress like my mom but I know some basic things like-...Guk...Guk, can you even hear me?"

Jeongguk nods. Then he shakes his head the other way, just as another wave of tears falls from his eyes. "Head...my head hurts...it hurts so badly..."

"Do you want aspirin?"

"No, that'll make it worse..."

"You don't know that-"

"Everything will make it worse."

He pulls the rag away from his mouth. The pain from his tongue is more of a numbness, irrelevant to his subconscious, which urges him to focus on precisely what he doesn't want to focus on. Flashes of memories he wants to suppress but knows he doesn't deserve to suppress.

The tears burn. His throat burns.

Taehyung drapes one arm around Jeongguk's shoulders.

"Guk...talk to me, ya gotta communicate, buddy..."

"Tae, I screwed up-"

"I heard you the first two times, do you want ice cream?"

"No." Jeongguk shakes his head again, more vigorously this time. "That'll just-"

"-make it worse, sure." Taehyung sighs deeply and stands up from the couch. "I'm gonna make you a bowl anyway, okay?"

"...thank you, Tae."

"Mhm."

He leaves again. Minutes later, returning with a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream and a large spoon. He sets it on the coffee table and reclaims his seat beside Jeongguk.

And they sit, silent, not speaking to one another for a short while as Jeongguk stares into space with a gaze as empty as it's ever been.

"...we finished up with the kitchen today," Taehyung says at one point. "I helped my dad fit in the new countertops we just got. They're pretty cool, I guess, though like I told you there wasn't really anything wrong with our old ones, this was mainly Mom's idea and my dad liked it, too, so..."

Jeongguk feels his friend gently nudge his arm.

"I don't know how much more conversation filler I can do, Gukkie. Wanna help me out?"

He puts his arm around the boy again. Jeongguk leans into Taehyung's shoulder.

"Did Jimin break your heart?"

"No, I broke my own..." Jeongguk tenses, crossing one arm over his stomach. It turns over. Nausea. "I made him cry..." Another tear spills over. "I made Jimin cry..."

Taehyung doesn't say anything right away. He remains quiet, rubbing Jeongguk's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him as he lets out a deep breath. He lifts his other hand then to comb his friend's messy hair off his forehead.

"I don't deserve to be here," Jeongguk mutters, but in his deep misery and desperation he leans even further into Taehyung. "I ran. Like a coward, Tae, I ran away from him, because I-...I didn't like how it made me feel, I never wanted to make him cry, I'm so disgusted with myself, but I-"

He has to stop himself. Getting choked up on his own words, coughing, and feeling obligated to accept the cup of water his friend holds out to him. Jeongguk straightens his posture just to take a drink. The liquid cools his sore tongue and dry throat, though sadly it does little to dismiss the sickening sensation in his stomach.

"Tae, Taehyung, I'm a screw up-"

"Stop saying that."

"I am-"

"No, you're stressed, Guk," Taehyung says firmly, shutting the other up. "Screwing up once doesn't make you a screw up. It means you're human, so deal with it. Besides I don't...want a perfect best friend, anyway."

Maybe it's the soft tone Taehyung's voice slipped into, or the words themselves, but something just then flips a switch in Jeongguk's head, breaks through the cloud shrouded around his chest which had made it hard to breathe properly. He takes in a clearer breath now. And he lets it out, then repeats those words in his mind, hesitant to fully embrace them, so instead he embraces Taehyung.

Warmth. Still, Jeongguk shivers.

"Hey, Tae, did you finish the-..."

A new voice enters the conversation. Abruptly, Taehyung pulls away from the embrace, keeping a hand on Jeongguk's shoulder as they both turn towards the staircase. Youjin's halfway down. She takes a few more steps, slow, cautious and noticeably puzzled.

"Sorry," she says softly upon stepping into the living room. Jeongguk makes eye contact with her. "Is...everything okay?"

"It's fine," he replies, forcing the smallest of smiles, which earns him a disappointed frown from Taehyung.

"Go upstairs, Youjin, we're having a moment."

"I just came down to see if there was any chocolate chip ice cream left."

"I used up the rest of the carton for Jeongguk."

"I'm not gonna eat it." Jeongguk picks up the bowl from the coffee table, then turns towards Youjin and is about to hold it out to her but Taehyung pulls his arm back.

"Save it for later, then."

"Tae, it's okay, I don't really have an appetite-"

"Were you crying-?"

"Youjin, go upstairs."

Despite Taehyung's apparent irritation, Jeongguk smiles at her, not wanting her to worry even a fraction of what her brother is right now. Youjin ends up listening to Taehyung for a change and soon heads back upstairs to go to her room. The two boys both hear a door shut after a moment.

"...she'll probably ask me about you later," Taehyung says, rolling his eyes, which makes the other stifle a laugh. "She can be a brat, but...she cares a lot, I'll give her that much."

Jeongguk smiles a bit more genuinely this time. "When's her birthday, by the way?"

"Next week. Saturday."

"I thought so. Wanna give me ideas for birthday gifts?"

"Dude, c'mon, we're not here to talk about my sister." Taehyung pouts as his eyebrow twitches, and Jeongguk laughs. Sadly.

It hurts to laugh. It hurts his chest, his heart, which spites him for the mere idea of expressing joy of any degree. Happiness and comfort are the last things he feels he deserves now.

"Please don't start crying again..."

"I won't." He sniffles. His teeth instinctively bite down on the sides of his tongue, but just as quickly Jeongguk stops himself so it won't bleed again. Drawing a deep breath through his nostrils, he exhales slowly. Then again. For about twenty seconds, he practices this simple breathing exercise as his friend watches him with concern.

The quietness settles again.

For too long, Jeongguk thinks, because it allows time for remembering.

Jimin. Those cuts on his skin. They weren't bleeding when Jeongguk found him, but they still looked fairly recent. And that hurt.

With all his efforts to encourage Jimin. With all the times he complimented the boy from the heart, strove in earnest to make him feel welcome and comfortable.

Naive. He's been naive all this time and he only realizes it now.

It's not just that he feels disgusted with himself anymore. It's an unbearable sadness and heartbreak for Jimin's sake, twisting in the depths of his soul, knowing that that beautiful boy would ever do such a thing to himself, as though he never believed any kind thing spoken to him.

As though he only ever processed them as words, and never feelings.

Or perhaps, the tragic likelihood of past trauma holding a pin in his brain that has only been ground deeper with time.

It makes Jeongguk feel useless. Not knowing for certain, not knowing exactly what to do, or if there's anything he can do.

He finds himself losing patience with every day. Whether it's a result of his recurring headaches or paranoia, he's not entirely sure. But it just seems to get worse every time and Jeongguk doesn't know how long he can hold out.

Without realizing it he leans once again into Taehyung's shoulder. In return Taehyung rests his head against Jeongguk's.

"...I just want him to see himself how I see him."

"I know you do, Guk."

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"You're trying."

"Is that enough?"

"It's always enough."

"But what if he never hears me?"

"Then write it down for him."

He tries to hold himself together. But suppressing the tears grows harder the more he talks, the more he listens to Taehyung's answers.

Jeongguk closes his eyes.

"I'm tired, Tae."

"I know you are, Guk."

"What would I do without you?"

"Don't ask dumb questions like that." Taehyung sighs and pats the other's arm. "I'm here. And you're stuck with me. So if you haven't accepted it already, better start now, buddy."

A crooked smile slips its way onto Jeongguk's face, the corner of his lip catching a teardrop. A bitter taste.

"Hey, Tae?"

"Mm?"

"Some day I hope you'll see yourself the way I see you, too."

—