this chapter dedication goes to OllieDaWriter3721 for being a fantastic friend for such a long time and for her endless support!
Love you ♥️♥️♥️

(6th December 1977)

The Gryffindor quidditch team were not deterred by the thick layers of snow on the ground, despite its glare obscuring the view of their teammates. In fact, they saw the prosaic weather seemed to be taken as a challenge issued by the gods; they worked harder, smarter and stronger. That was what James loved most about his team, and his house in general– they never could resist a challenge.

"JONES!"

Hestia whipped her head round, her sleek,  black, french braids whipping her face but she paid them no heed.

"C'MERE A MINUTE!"

She nodded, tossing Sirius her bat and zipping over towards where James was overseeing Zoë Richardson and McAuley Sallanger running drills.

"Captain?"

"Closer in, Jones, I need to show you something."

The fifth year floated closer until she was shoulder to shoulder with her captain.
"Do you mind?" He asked gently, holding his arm out, asking for permission to wrap it round her so he might explain his line of sight.

Hestia shook her head so James pulled his arm over her shoulder, bringing his hand up to point towards the route Zoë was making towards the middle hoop.

"Now, this play Richardson is about to do is one of Hufflepuff's favourites. They'll use it whenever they have an opening. Without fail. I've sent scouts into their training practices and this is the play that's always pristine. That's why Donovan calls it so often." James' finger followed Zoë as the two of them floated immobile ten feet below.
"What I want you to look at is this opening here:" at that moment Zoë made a quick swerve to her right and flung the ball to McAuley, who took it to Gracie Piston (a substitute chaser) and Gracie brought it back to Zoë who played a quick shot into the far away hoop.

"What opening?"

"You didn't see?"

Hestia bit back a sarcastic remark and waited for James to explain.
"When Sallanger drops the quaffle the chasers form a diagonal line. What you and Sirius need to do is learn to infiltrate this formation. The third pass is the slowest so you need to strike then otherwise you're fucked. Got it?"

Hestia nodded and James unwrapped his arm from her body, nodding. "You reckon we could give it a shot? I'll take Piston's place and we can run it from there– I've briefed Black already."

"Let's do it."

James nodded curtly then turned to face the chasers, "OI! PISTON I NEED YOU OFF FOR THE TIME BEING– THANKS FOR THE HELP! AND I NEED THE REST OF YOU READY TO RUN THAT PLAY IN ABOUT TEN SECONDS!"
He turned back to Hestia to see her giggling.

"What?"

"I just can't believe you had scouts watch Hufflepuff practice!"

"Shut up, Jones! Esme does it for me and I pay her in chocolate frogs. She used to be a chaser and she's damn good so I trust her. Anyway– I'm sure I've seen the Badger's captain– Donovan in here, sniffing round our plays."

"Fair enough." Hestia rolled her eyes and righted one of her plaits over her shoulder.
"Right, let's run this play. I'm not losing to Hufflepuff like we did Slytherin. That was an embarrassment."

The two shot into their positions without another word, Sirius threw Hestia her bat and James whistled the beginning of the play.

♣ ♣ ♣

(6th December 1977)

For Marlene, to be without Dorcas was like waking up everyday and realising a limb was missing. She should have been used to it by now but it wasn't something one got used to, no matter how hard they tried. Despite the Christmas holidays coming up, there were always times where the feeling would hit her sharper than the usual ache. It never subsided.

Dearest Marlene,

There's so much bloody snow around! Hopefully it doesn't interfere with the post and this reaches you soon.

I suppose I'll jump right into it. Remember the situation I talked to you about in my last letter (re. Jewish-Christian ruining shit)? Well it's gotten worse. Lily is applying for that job at Indulge and I went round there yesterday to pick up hot chocolate for the wedding-planning crew and he served me. Which means they'd be working together!! Okay, I can tell you're not sold on why this is such a bad thing– let me paint you a picture:
Jewish-Christian is about as exciting as watching paint dry. His only mildly amusing joke is the one about his name being ironic (even then, that's not really irony- it's just underwhelming), and he does shit latte foam art. What's the point in dating a barista if he can't even make you a love heart on your coffee? What a waste, right?!

New topic: bloody fucking Donna from the track team is ruining my life! She's still after the captaincy even though she's not even an anchor in the 4x400m relay? Who's gonna give her that job when she can't even close a damn race?! Honestly I would punch her if she wasn't so good at hurdles– we need her on the team. But I'm not denying I would get endless amounts of satisfaction from socking her one right in her stupid face... I'm sighing right now just thinking about it...

Anyway, I can't wait to see you! I've got my calendar next to my wardrobe and I cross off the days until your holiday! Ooh! I've got something to ask you... I asked my mum and she was on board- how would you feel about staying with us for a few days? I know you're spending most of Christmas with yours and James' family and you want to see your dad for a few days but maybe you'd like to stay round new year time? Just an idea?

Well I guess what's all for now. I want to hear all the scandals from prep school please? And let me know about staying with us once you've had a think about it!

Love you to infinity,

Your girl,
Dorcas

Marlene smiled at the letter in her hand, her breakfast forgotten along with the rest of the great hall. That was until Sirius clocked her pensive expression:
"Oi! Whatcha got, Blondie?" He peeked over her shoulder and read the signed part, his supercilious grin spreading from ear to ear.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

Marlene nearly snarled at the tone he spoke in.
"Well if you'd like to keep your testicles, then keep it that way."

Sirius recoiled slightly, grimacing in a much more lamented demeanour.
"Ten-four."

Remus was biting a laugh and James seemed to have taken an interest in the newspaper to avoid being unwillingly dragged into the mess Sirius had managed to make. However his interest must have been fraudulent because he'd been staring at the front page for a good minute when the colour began to drain from his face.

"What's wrong, Prongs?" Peter asked, noticing first.

James simply unfolded the paper into the table for the group to inspect. Esme-Leigh read the headline aloud:
"AUROUR FLEAMONT POTTER'S INCOMPETENCE: NEWCASTLE PROTECTION FAILINGS"

"Shit," Sirius snatched the paper and Marlene read over his shoulder.

"It's that gossip piece my father warned me about," James went on while they read. "He wrote me saying that folks from the ministry were pushing for his resignation. He said the press would find out eventually but I didn't think it'd come out so soon!"

Marlene didn't catch whatever answer Esme gave, she was busy reading the end of the article...

...sources suggest that Potter's taskforce had aurors stationed all round the town, as well as muggle CID and Police. To have so many unregistered muggleborns go missing in one night is a colossal failing on all three parties.
Some are suggesting that Potter's taskforce deteriorated when the late Euphemia Potter (Fleamont's wife– died age 75) fell ill. They say that Potter's incompetence has only gotten worse since his partner's death.

Fleamont Potter has declined comment at this time.

Sirius threw the paper away milliseconds after Marlene was finished reading.
"Bullshit!"

"Didn't I just say?" James replied, staring daggers at the paper, as if silently threatening the ink to flee from the page.

"They shouldn't be able to print this sort of shit. Did Monty ask my mother if this is even legal? I'm sure she'd be able to have this amended– it's what she's there for, being the Depute Head of Magical Law Enforcement after all."

Remus shook his head, "it's perfectly legal. Ethics is the Prophet's issue. They don't seem to have a firm grasp."

Sirius looked dangerous.
"I'll grasp their bloody necks."

"That won't help anyone."

"It'll help me."

James chuckled, "I'd certainly get a kick from it."

"Pun intended?" Peter asked with a small smile.

"Always, my wormy friend, always."

♣ ♣ ♣

(6th December 1977 continued)

Esme-Leigh needed a reason. She needed something to make her stay, something that would keep her here, in Hogwarts, where she belonged.

She looked around her. If she was anyone else then finding a reason would have been easy. A letter from Dorcas sat on Marlene's old bedside table where she'd left it before class. Marlene's girl was her reason.

Esme looked down at the ring on her right hand, where she'd begun twisting it subconsciously. The gemstone was a mournful navy blue to match her hair. James had given her the ring for her birthday and she hadn't taken it off since. It was like a good luck charm, though it hadn't been working lately if it was.

She grabbed her notebook and left the dorm empty, spying Ozma Periwinkle's denim jacket with its badges strewn haphazardly across all its surfaces. She must have left it there when she was in the dorm with Trudy. They were each other's reason. As she made her way to the quidditch pitch to sit in on Hufflepuff's practice, she came to the epiphany that perhaps not being on the team was a blessing this year, it meant James wouldn't have to get a replacement chaser so close to the final. Or...

"SHIT!" She cried. The corridor was empty but the sound was eerily booming, bouncing off the vacant walls. If Esme-Leigh hadn't been in detention on the day of try-outs then quidditch commitments might have allowed her to stay. Suddenly she didn't feel like watching Hufflepuff anymore...

♣ ♣ ♣

(6th December 1977 continued)

Later that night, Esme-Leigh lay awake in her four-poster, listening to the soft breaths of the two other girls. Trudy and Aliona had been asleep for hours while she lay there, watching the curtains sway in the gentle breeze from the open window.

Mary still hadn't returned. She hadn't written since she went to be with her mother while she gave birth and Esme seemed to be the only person worried. Everyone else insisted she was just spending time with her new sisters.

Perhaps she wasn't worried? Perhaps she just missed her?...

When Marlene had left to live in the Heads Dorms, Esme had slept in Marlene's old bed.
Mary's bed was next to Aliona's, nearest the bathroom and she was surprised to see she'd left her toy rabbit there on the pillow. Mary had been possessive over her stuffed rabbit –or rather, Felix– so no one had been allowed to touch him, but Esme lifted the bunny to her nose as she climbed into Mary's bed anyway. The rabbit smelt like Mary's hair and being in her bed was like a slightly cool embrace.

She slept better with Felix under her arm.

♣ ♣ ♣

(8th December 1977)

"All I'm saying is– The Beatles have redefined the meaning of the phrase 'boyband.' It's literally illegal to call Queen a boyband because that is not what they are!"

James rubbed a hand over his face, subconsciously reminding himself to shave when he got back.
"Okay then Miss Simpson: refine the term 'boyband' to me. And let the record show that this is to make a point only– I think it's absurd to call Queen a boyband as well, I just want to know why you think so."

Lily Evans looked up at him from over her scarf. They were walking up the Main Street of Derbyshire to see the Christmas display and the sun had just begun to go down and bid farewell to the Sunday afternoon. The loss of light was making the fog of their breath more visible. Her cheeks were rosy and the tip of her nose was far too kissable to be considered safe for public viewership, or perhaps just his own.
"Well for starters– their principals are different. The Beatles preached about holding hands and singing by the campfire while Queen are more about the performance. And their audiences are completely different in a way. The Beatles were softer– they were a boyband. Queen are much more eccentric and messy. A completely separate branch from The Beatles– or the Stones for that matter. In their own right The Rolling Stones are a boyband."

James grinned as he watched her frantically gesticulate her point, as if flailing her arms would paint a picture only she could see.
"You're mental, sweetheart. I love it."

She bumped his shoulder and grinned sheepishly.
"I dare you to tell me I'm wrong."

"I can't."

"Good."

They spent the rest of their time together strolling back to Lily's front door, arguing about this and that; pointing out Christmas trees in house windows, and sharing stories of their school life.

When they arrived at the garden gate, Lily stopped walking to face him.
"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you ever visit your dad when you come to see me? He's right across the street?"

James turned over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the Potter retirement home, a two minute walk from where he stood. He thought of the newspaper article he'd seen only a few days ago. His father didn't need him getting in his way, he might not even be in.

"My father has enough to annoy him. Mainly Millard– his second in command. He's a lovely man but he has a habit of knowing everything."

Lily laughed, "sounds a lot like me."

"It was a targeted insult."

"It was an insult?"

James looked at her, and for a split second he saw her for the first time again. Like he'd never quite seen her before. Her eyes sparkled in the light like diamond and her hair gleamed like a sunset. The freckles on her cheeks just as malleable as the rest of her face. Sometimes she wore them as a warning sign, like hail in a thunderstorm. Other times they twinkled like constellations in a nights sky, telling the stories he longed to know by heart.

Is that an insult?

He looked at her.
"Not really."

He was back in the Head's Dorm not long later. Marlene was waiting for him on the settee, her long blonde hair swept to one side, obscuring her face as she poured over an overdue essay.

"Where have you been?"

She didn't look up when she addressed him but somehow her tone felt dangerous. James swallowed and walked further into the room.

"The library. Doing that essay for Defence."

"No you weren't."

James frowned and finally Marlene looked up. She brought her hair away from her eyes and leant back on her perch, surveying James like he were on trial. Perhaps he was?
"I went to the library to pick up a book for this essay and you weren't there."

"I was with Remus, planning for the full moon."

"Remus was in the library– planning with Peter."

"I was—"

Marlene silenced him with her hand.
"—Sirius was in detention with Esme-Leigh, Aliona was on patrol with Flint as an MPP member and Trudy was with her girlfriend. So I'm going to ask you once more, James Potter, and you will not lie to me. Where the fuck were you?"

James rubbed a hand over his face, reminded again of his need to shave. It seemed less important now, however, with Marlene watching him like she were waiting for her moment to strike, like a predator.

"Listen– I wasn't going to tell anyone about this because it's highly against school rules, and I'm Head Boy, and it's dangerous and reckless and I should have told you all sooner. Especially you, Marls."

The hard blue of Marlene's usually elegant eyes did not soften, but her study of him did become less scrutinised and more curious.

James crossed the common room and sat on the arm of a chair opposite the Head Girl.
"I went to see Lily."

Suddenly everything seemed to be quiet. Too quiet. Marlene wasn't breathing. Neither was James. He was afraid the room might begin spinning.

"You knew..."

He frowned. "Knew what?"

"You'd figured out there was a way I could see my girl this whole time and you didn't tell me? How could you? You've been to see Lily and you never thought I'd like to come too? Have you any idea –any fucking idea– how hard it's been not to see Dorcas and you're telling me there was a way to see her all along? ALL ALONG?!"

James flinched, screwing his eyes shut so he wouldn't have to witness the hurt he'd caused. In truth he wasn't sure why he'd done it. Seeing Lily had felt like a secret only they knew about, it felt special and somehow telling people would ruin it. Somehow it would break the bubble they had.

How could he tell Marlene that? He knew how it looked, of course he did. He knew it looked selfish, he knew it looked like he'd kept it from her on purpose. And maybe it was selfish? But there didn't seem to be words to explain how he felt around Lily, and how she had felt like a cure for a disease he didn't know he had. He knew he'd sound like a lunatic if he said any of these things. Is that love? Being a lunatic? Is that what it was? Was it even worth it?

"Marlene—"

"—no. I'll play for you at the next match but I'm having patrols changed. I've had enough." She took her essay and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door with a bone-rattling crash.

Enough of you. She hadn't said that, but she might as well. It's what she meant. James couldn't blame her...

(10th December 1977)

Alice had given Lily her white blazer for the job interview– Lily only had a black one and it wouldn't match her skirt; Dorcas had offered her a jacket but it was far too big. So Lily entered the back office of Indulge Cafe wearing Alice's blazer, her own skirt and white eyeliner Dorcas had insisted put an edge on the look.

"Good evening Miss Evans. Take a seat." The owner of the cafe, Mr Devi, was seated next to Caroline and opposite Lily. The desk was occupied with various items of stationary and a photograph of a smiling, dark haired, Indian woman and two beaming children which Lily assumed were Mr Devi's wife and kids. 

"We don't wish you to feel pressured by this job interview. It's just a couple of questions to get an idea of you as a person, alright?" Mr Devi had an encouraging smile, the sort of friendly face you might approach for directions, or to help you find a lost dog. Lily wasn't quite sure how he'd done it, but somehow she felt at ease.

"Let's start simple, shall we? Why don't you tell us about yourself? Any interests outside of academic work?"

Lily straightened her skirt and nodded.
"I'm a very keen photographer. I've been taking pictures with my friend Alice since I was about thirteen and it's something I've never lost passion for. I've started a photography club in Cokeworth Academy and I hope it continues to run when I graduate this year. You've seen some of our work– Caroline displays it on the walls here. Erm... I enjoy reading– anything Austen, Dickens, Fitzgerald, that sort of thing; and I suppose music is a passion of mine too."

Mr Devi nodded, seeming to be completely engaged in her answer. Caroline sat quietly, smiling brightly with encouragement.
"That's fantastic, Lily. And can I ask you about your A levels? I can see here that your GCSE results were very impressive– you might be wasted here!" Mr Devi gestured to a thin file containing her CV and other loose sheets on her, a warm demeanour radiating off him all the while. Lily wondered if he might light a few candles next, set an ambiance.

"Well my A levels are in English Literature, German and History."

"And I'm sure you'll do splendidly well. Just a few more things: what attracted you to this job?"

Lily smiled, this was a question she wouldn't find difficult.
"I've been coming to this cafe for years, Mr Devi. Me and my friends are like homing pigeons! This place means a lot to me and I'd love to have the opportunity to work here."

Caroline nearly burst into a ray of sunshine from her smile. Mr Devi was more than pleased too. The rest of the questions didn't seem as difficult as she thought they might.

When Lily eventually left the office, she caught a glimpse of herself in the window reflection and she realised Dorcas was right about the eyeliner: it did complete the look.

♥ ♥ ♥

(12th December 1977)

"Two white coffees to sit in, please?"

Lily smiled, straightening her apron, "coming right up."

Mr Devi (whom she'd learnt was called Neal) poked his head around the office door.
"Getting on okay, rookie?"

She nodded, shooting him a smile as she pulled two mugs off the bottom shelf.
Christian was behind the counter today as well, he'd gotten a job at Indulge a fortnight before Lily did and it often left them working together– at least in the three days she'd been there. Christian had shown her the ropes of cafe working; fixed her negligence, mistakes and cleaned up her messes. Now she was beginning to get the hang of it all as well as learning more about Christian in the process. She learnt that his surname was Steinfeld, that he was in college studying media and that his favourite colour was beige. (Dorcas had spiralled for at least twenty minutes about the jejune colour. She still maintained that Christian was the 'most boring bastard to walk this god forsaken, lacklustre earth.')

Mr Devi had been an angel too– his encouragement came in extra breaks to study for mock exams and free vanilla lattes.

The only downside was Dorcas dropping in every now and again when Lily was on shift to place a ridiculously difficult order just to annoy her, but according to Mr Devi, death threats to customers was strictly prohibited.

"Here's your coffees. Anything else?"
By the end of the exchange she had served them two coffees, two scones and a vanilla cupcake without dropping anything. All in all, her first proper win since the job began.

"Did you see that?!" She hissed at Christian, her voice low but an undeniable grin on her face.

"I did! You did it! And you did it with style!" He replied with a pat on her shoulder, his blonde hair caught the light and it pissed her off more than anything. She got blinded by the winter sun and nearly robbed a customer of their change.
Regardless, it was a win. Best to take those when they come.

♥ ♥ ♥

(12th December 1977 continued)

"I'm sorry," Lily said, a smirk on her lips painted like an afterthought, "but I cannot be friends with someone that doesn't like cheesecake! That's like... serial killer stuff!"

Christian laughed as they walked shoulder to shoulder down the street.
"It is not! I just don't think cheese belongs in a dessert!"

"But it's..." she choked, like she were trying too hard to splutter a retort and nothing came out.
"That's not how it works!"

Christian rolled his eyes visually, "fine. But you can't expect me to just like cheesecake over night!"

"Whatever!"

They'd reached the bottom of the cul-de-sac where the Evans household resided. Christian stopped just before the front gate, standing there sheepishly, his blonde hair billowed slightly in the bitter wind.

"Thanks for walking me home," Lily said, offering him a smile.

"No problem, it was dark."

"But still... thanks." It was odd to be standing here with Christian. If she were here with James then she'd almost definitely have thrown her arms around him, if only briefly, and he'd have kissed her cheek or her knuckles– offering her a sarcastic quip while he did it. But this was not James. It was Christian, so she squeezed his elbow and scurried into her front porch, turning back momentarily to offer him a small, piteous wave.

Petunia was sitting on the windowsill in the living room, watching the wind whistle round the trees and chimneys of the neighbours houses.
"Who was that?" She asked without taking her eyes off the window, like she were entranced by the looming storm.

"A friend from work."

Petunia hummed skeptically, "and where is it you've been sneaking off to in the middle of the night these days?"

A chill ran up Lily's spine and she had to go rigid in order to suppress a shiver.
"Nowhere. Just to see Alice and plan for her wedding."

Petunia didn't answer right away. Lily fancied that her sister just enjoyed making her sweat. It must have been an age before her sister turned to catch her eye; she was wearing the sort of expression that one wears when they're feeling rather smug.
"If that guy was your boyfriend then all you need to do is say. Sneaking out to see him is all very romantic. I'm sure mum and dad will want to meet him."

"Meet who?" Faith Evans asked as she entered the room. Lily cursed her parents and the world's cruel timing. Faith was smiling in an airy way, the sort of smile that showed she'd been drinking, just not enough– Lily supposed she was grateful.

"Lily's boyfriend!"

"—I don't have a boyfriend!"

"Oh, darling! That's wonderful! What's his name?"

Petunia answered again (Lily considered whether is was worth it to check if Petunia was past the cut off age for adoption), "his name is Christian and he's very handsome, mum. Blonde hair, tall-ish, skinny. He's got a nice smile."

"Oh why don't you marry him then!" Apparently this was the wrong thing to say. It did not do anything to contribute to her argument that Christian was not her boyfriend, in fact it almost negated any credibility she ever had.

Faith chuckled, "don't worry, darling. Your sister was joking. But we'd love to meet him one day! Why don't you bring him for dinner?"

Petunia was grinning from ear to ear, looking like the cat who got the bloody cream, her glib look made Lily want to punch her teeth in.

"Of course. I'll ask him next time we're on shift together!" Her tone was sickly sweet but her eyes were dead as they fixated on her sister.

Faith, however, didn't seem to notice.
"Wonderful! I can't wait to tell your father!"

Lily wondered how bad the physical damage might be if she swan dived off the roof. Sure, she might not kill herself but the injuries would score her a few weeks of safety from this growing nightmare...

(12th December 1977)

The full moon cast an sinister light over the snow stricken grounds of Hogwarts, reflecting off the castle– making the place look like something out Bram Stoker's Dracula.

However the sharp lines cast over the towers had little to do with the four animals roaming the forbidden Forrest that night. They fought and they played and ran till they gave out. The animals did not care for the foreboding.

Remus Lupin was there somewhere. Inside the largest of the set: the werewolf. He wasn't easy to locate, he certainly didn't have any control over himself but he was there; sewn into the backs of the werewolf's eyes and shunted to the back of its conscious.

Remus felt –or perhaps he didn't feel at all– like he were being used, stretched and violated with every flash of the monsters teeth. If Remus could feel he'd be mortified.

The other animals that bounded alone beside him were a dear, a dog and a rat. Remus was sure he knew them from somewhere but the werewolf did not. The werewolf didn't know much except blood.

Blood. It wetted his fur, hooded round his eyes and still the werewolf was hungry for it. He craved it.

Why so much blood?

Why was it on him?

Was it Remus or the werewolf questioning the blood? Surely if it were Remus then the end would be here soon? Soon? It has to be.

Was it hours later? When he woke up? Had it been days?

"Humphs... hmm, em... ermph..." it was Remus' voice that grunted but it still felt like the howl of a wolf.

"Moony?" That voice as easy. It was Sirius Black.

"Pad...Padfoot."

Something warm slipped into his hand.
"It's okay, Moony. I'm here. I've just sent out James and Peter– they'll be raging they missed you but at least I'm here, eh? It was a bad moon, mate. You didn't hurt anyone, thank merlin, but the transition was horrible. You were in so much pain we saw you black out. Peter offered to levitate you but I didn't want you subjected to magic when you were weak so James carried you like a damned body guard to the hospital wing. Poppy's been in and out. But I've been here the whole time..." Sirius paused and Remus felt himself finally separate himself from the werewolf and open his eyes to see his companion had his own eyes focused on their intertwined hands, his thumb caressing Remus'. They both blushed.

"Keep—... keep talking, please?" He croaked, allowing his heavy eyes to close again, the room filling with Sirius' gentle words. It might have been Shakespeare he was reciting, maybe it was just a prank idea. But regardless, there was something about his voice that had healing powers.

"Poppy said you'd make a full recovery in a week or so– might have to miss the commentator box this weekend though. Shame cause we could use your filthy tongue tearing the snakes a new one. I'll go and tell Poppy you're awake, then, shall I?"

Sirius stood up, the dent on the cot rising but Remus couldn't find the strength to make him stay. By the time he was back, Remus had fallen asleep, where he would stay for the rest of the day...

♣ ♣ ♣

(13th December 1977)

Sirius, James and Peter sat round the hospital bed while Remus slept. His sandy blonde hair was soaked with sweat and it clung to his forehead with fervour, if Sirius hadn't reached over every so often to brush it away then it might have melted into his skin.

All three coherent marauders remained silent as they sat with Moony. There was a sense of loss in the hospital wing, and among the marauders. Without Moony there seemed to be little point in anything. Without Moony to roll his eyes, to shake his head, to berate them with sarcasm. They would give anything to hear his bitter, filthy mouth at that moment– regardless of the time of day.

It was after dinner when Trudy Nott came to fetch Peter, telling him that Professor Kettleburn wished to speak with him. He reluctantly left, brushing Remus' hand with his own before he went, neither James nor Sirius acknowledged the exchange. Things seemed to slip by then like droplets of water down the windowpane.

The two boys kept this routine going for what must have been an hour. James on one side of the cot, Sirius on the other. James checking the pulse on Remus' wrist every now and again; Sirius pushing the curls from Moony's forehead, both serenaded by the sound of spitting rain.

James spoke first, when the sun had ceased to glow and the only light came from the candles dotted across the hospital wing. Surprisingly Madam Pomfrey hadn't come to send them out.
"I've been to enough funerals to last me a lifetime, Pads. I can't go to another." He checked he the slow pulse on his friend's wrist, still gripping his hand.

Sirius looked up, acknowledging his best friend for the first time. It felt like looking at a stranger, one you couldn't quite place but swore you'd seen before. Looking at James in this state felt like walking down the street and recognising someone, only to look again and realising it wasn't who you thought it was at all.

"James—" his voice didn't sound right. It was him speaking but it felt like the words weren't his. He felt like a stranger too. A stranger to himself. Sirius' next words were barley a whisper. They could almost get lost in the fog outside, they didn't even upset the steady flicker of the candle on the table...
"James, I'm scared."

"I know."

There was a pregnant pause. The two boys watched each other like they were attempting to study them.
"How?"

"Because if I were graced with wider hips I could have given birth to you– that's how." James smiled at Sirius. A smile which he returned.

Nothing seemed to move for a while; nothing but the steady rise and fall of Remus' chest and the arrhythmic flicker of the candles.

"I really like him, Prongs. Really."

James nodded, "how much?"

Sirius paused, looking down at the sleeping boy, caked in sweat with an inset frown. His lips were slightly parted to allow shallow breaths to escape him.

"Maybe I love him."

James nodded, not surprised in the slightest.
"He'll be okay, Padfoot."

"How do you know?"

James smiled then, it wasn't much but it was a start.
"Because you won't let him not be. You'd venture into hell to bring that boy back, wouldn't you?"

Sirius didn't need to answer. James already knew.

♣ ♣ ♣

(13th December 1977 continued)

Esme-Leigh had always been somewhat of an insomniac and with Mary gone it seemed to be a growing problem. The clock on her bedside table read twenty-past-three.
"Shit," she muttered irritably.

There was rain persisting on the windows, tapping in a steady cadence as if to make sure she didn't fall asleep. The snow below was beginning to slush and dissolve into piles of misery; sleet had a way of depressing an entire landscape.

Esme pulled herself out of bed, not bothering to alter her appearance –none of the girls were going to wake up anyway– and made her way into the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror, without any morphings it was the most veela she'd ever looked, even when she felt like death she looked like an angel. Most would laugh at her for thinking this a curse.

Esme pulled at her hair, which was a golden blonde without magic, so she could look her at herself better. Her freckles were softer in this light, her eyes were a rich coppery chocolate and lips more red than pink. It was easy to forget how dangerous her looks were without altercations.

She remembered showing James this face, the one without a mask to hide its magic. He'd gazed at her for a moment –she wasn't sure she wanted to know if it were reverence or pride– and told her she looked beautiful. It was something she knew, of course. She wished she could have been ugly instead. At the time Esme had blushed, now she wished she could have punched him.

Without really knowing why, Esme-Leigh had taken her glasses off the table and slipped out into the corridor. She shushed the Fat Lady as she scampered past, at first Esme wasn't sure she had a destination in mind, but soon she found herself at the hospital wing, finding it empty apart from a few occupied cots.

Esme slipped inside and found Remus asleep in one of the furthest cots from the door. His hair had curled from sweat and his light eyebrows were knitted together. He must have been dreaming.

"Hey, sweetie," she cooed, perching on the end of his bed. She began running her hands through his hair to try and relax the tightness in his expression.

Remus twitched and Esme-Leigh jumped.
"Uh—" he groaned, turning his head violently towards her, then away. Only then did she realise he wasn't dreaming, not really: it was a fever dream.

"Remus, darling, you're alright. It's okay. Shhh," gently she coaxed him to stop thrashing. It only made things worse.

"H-mmm...help."

"Oh shit. Remus, sweetie, it's just a dream. Alright? You're dreaming. Remus, can you hear me? Moony?"

He stirred at his nickname.

"Moony can you hear me?"

His eyes opened, only slightly. It was bloodshot and the usual honey-amber of his iris seemed to be bleeding.
"Ez..." he hadn't meant to call her Ez –only James called her that– but the name soothed her regardless. He knew her, he was okay.

"Hey, darling. You okay?"

His eye closed again but there was the slightest hints of a smile at the corner of his mouth. Esme-Leigh smiled fully, perhaps doing what Remus didn't have the strength to.

She talked to him for hours. Mostly about school, and her mother and Christmas. She didn't tell him about France. Even if he wasn't listening, even if he was still trapped in a fever dream, she didn't want him to know. She didn't want anyone to know.

When her words began to calm down, so did Remus' breath. There was a cadence to the rise and fall of his chest now.

He opened an eye again, it was still bloodshot but it looked less malleable. Esme smiled and he did too, a little, and then closed his eye once more and didn't say a word.
She thought he was sleeping when his voice rang out in the barest of murmurs. It was thick and rough but there nonetheless...

"Go back to being beautiful. You look all wrong."

A fully blown grin spread across her face, the face she hadn't realised was still its natural, veela state. She nearly laughed as her hair turned pale purple and eyes deep blue. Her freckles multiplied and nose shrunk. She felt more human now.

"Thank you," she whispered, but Remus was already asleep.

♣ ♣ ♣

(16th December 1977)

James walked his patrol with Ozma Periwinkle that night. She was couthy with him, nice enough company, but his mind was elsewhere so they spent most of their patrol in silence.

He hadn't spoken to Marlene since their argument, discounting empty exchanges over Heads duties. Even after Remus' bad full moon she refused to address properly.

James supposed she had a point. Well he didn't suppose, he knew she was right. There was rarely a time when Marlene McKinnon was wrong and he resented it.

Ozma had visited Remus the previous day. Her and Trudy came up to ask after him once class was over, bringing a small bunch of wildflowers Ozma had transfigured from mistletoe. It was odd to give him flowers, James thought, when he wouldn't be awake to see them. Perhaps they were a sight to wake up to?

He bid goodbye to Ozma at the Gryffindor tower, wishing her a Goodnight and patting her shoulder. The walk back to his own common room was lonely to say the least. Corridors felt abandoned and ancient, like he were walking through a ghost town.

James wasn't expecting to find Marlene in the common room but he instantly softened at the sight of her on the couch, head in her hands and facing the fire. Her blonde waves obscured her face from him and likely the other way around. She hadn't seen him yet.

"Marls?"

She looked up and their eyes met. It was almost a whole second that they stayed perfectly still, frozen for a beat in time. Marlene looked away first and made to stand up but James was faster; he reached her in less than two steps and grabbed hold of her wrist, pulling her back down.

"Marlene, please. Just hear me?"
He gazed at her with an imploring, pleading look, like he were trying to plant his thoughts in her head telepathically.

"Go."

James sat down, fraught, and studied her for a moment longer, reading her like a book, like his most loved novel.
"I'm sorry. I am, alright? This... this was important to you and I was selfish." He ran a hand through his hair and a strangled noise came from the back of his throat as he searched for the words he needed.

"You've missed Dorcas this whole term and I ignored that. I've been seeing Lily when I should have been telling you how to get out too. Maybe I wanted a secret? Maybe I was embarrassed to admit I was seeing her. I don't know, but I shouldn't have. I really, really fucking shouldn't have. Remus is still in the hospital wing. We all want to be with the people we love most. You should be with Dorcas." James sighed at the softened expression on the Head Girl's face.
"I'll tell you how to sneak out. I should have told you months ago."

Marlene watched him for a moment, making sure he was finished before she took his hand.
"It's okay. Of course it's okay, James, it always was. I just... I wish you'd told me although I know why you didn't– though I don't think you know why yet, but you will."

James frowned at her but she only kept smiling. He hoped it wasn't sympathy in her eyes.

"You wanted to keep your meetings a secret cause they were an escape, weren't they? Lily– she's an escape?"

"She's a reset charm."

Marlene smiled, giving his hand a squeeze. "I know how that feels. I'm just... yeah I do. You're my brother, Prongs, I hate when you keep things from me, especially this. But you've told me now, and it's better now than never. I was always going to forgive you one day. I just wanted you to apologise first."

Despite himself, James chuckled. "That's the most confusing sentence that's ever left your mouth."

She laughed and the room felt a little bit easier to breathe in. "Maybe. I just... I miss Dorcas so much. All the time. She's my girl and I wonder sometimes if me being here is going to wear us out?" Marlene shook her head, as if she were trying to dislodge the thought. "You probably think I'm being some stupid hormonal girl."

"You know what? I'm changing my answer: that is the most confusing sentence to leave your mouth. You are not stupid. What you said was, though: Dorcas is your girl. Yours. Nothing is going to wear you out– ever."

"Sometimes I wish I could have fallen for a witch or wizard instead. I think you know what that's like."

Images of colour changing flowers beneath her feet flashed cross his mind; her kiss on his shoulder as they sat on a rooftop; her easy magic.
"I think that's the problem." He had fallen for a witch.

Marlene smiled and shifted closer so her head rested on his chest, he leant into her, placing his own head on top of hers; his cheek pressed against her soft hair.
"Do you think Dorcas will ever get tired of me?"

James laughed but didn't pull away. "Never. I've already said: she's your girl. Only yours."

"Like Lily is yours?"

He pulled away now.
"What?!"

Her eyes were sharpened like knife points as they bore into him. "Don't lie to me, James Potter. This isn't like Aliona, or Jasmine or any other girlfriend you've had. This isn't like whatever tomfoolery you've got with Esme-Leigh. This is different, it's bigger and it terrifies you."

"Marlene, wait—"

"—no; it does. I don't know why you're trying to force yourself with Esme because you both know how futile it is. Maybe this is just to get whatever's there out your systems– see it through but it can't— won't go any further. It won't. You understand that, don't you?"

James wondered when Marlene had bought a subscription to his thoughts. Was it last month? Longer?
"Mar, I don't know."

"And there's me thinking you were a Gryffindor. Fucking coward."
James worried she might pursue her inquiry but mercifully she didn't say another word. Instead she shuffled back into him and let her eyes flutter shut. They spent the night asleep on the couch together; the fire and each other for warmth.

(16th December 1977)

Lily made sure Alice sat next to her in German, there weren't assigned seats but Frank was in this class and he often sat next to Alice instead. Today was different, however, because Lily nearly fell out her seat to wave her friend over.

"What's wrong with you this weather?" Alice muttered, slipping into the seat Lily had left for her and fixing a look of solicitude on her features.

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Oh? Are you alright?"

Lily nodded, calming down a little as they waited for the teacher to arrive, was usually late anyway. Alice had a way of calming people with her presence, her voice alone could send someone to sleep, like a wind chime in a summer breeze.

"It's not a big deal... well.. it is, but if I keep saying it's not a big deal then maybe it won't be as bad."

Alice frowned, her peach skin looked strained with the effort of deciding whether she should laugh or inquire again if Lily was okay.
"Lils what—"

"Good afternoon! I trust you all have your books at the ready?" The filling presence of Mr Pierquin– whom was actually French but spoke German as well.

Lily cursed but leant into Alice, "I'll tell you in a minute."

The next minute she got, Lily told her everything. They should have been explaining the youth culture of Cokeworth in German but Mr Pierquin wasn't there to check. Lily told Alice about Christian, the cafe, and Petunia teasing her. Every stupid thing that brought her to this bloody dilemma.

"You should tell Christian. Ask him to help you."

"You're kidding right?"

Alice shook her head, chestnut waves bouncing round her shoulders.
"No I'm not. He seems nice enough. He'll understand if you phrase it right."

"Phrase it how exactly?" Lily asked, tone laced with agitation. "Oh sorry Christian. Any chance you could pretend to be my boyfriend for a night? My mums got it into her head that I'm dating someone so she won't stop until I produce said someone." Lily raised an eyebrow, "oh and one more thing, Christian: I've been sneaking out to see a friend of mine at ridiculous hours of the night so if you could pretend that's you too."

Alice pinched the bridge of her nose but there was a smile in her voice.
"That's why I said to phrase it correctly, you imbecile!"

"Fine! I'll ask Christian. But if this goes tits up then I get to blame you?"

"Deal."

They shook hands just as Mr Pierquin came rushing back in like he was late for something (which Lily supposed he was).

"Moving on!.."'

♥ ♥ ♥

(16th December 1977 continued)

Christian held the door open for her as they exited Indulge following the end of their shift. The air was cold, bitter. A wind rattled round her bones and she secured a scarf round her neck; the wind was ominous, baleful.
Somehow it's contrast to Christian's light and bubbly mood seemed almost comical.

They were nearly halfway down the high street when Lily first spoke, clouds of air pooling out her lips like spilled blood.
"Listen, Christian, I need to ask you a favour."

"A favour?" He glanced down at her and Lily did her to pretend she didn't notice the significance of his stare. "What does this favour entail?"

"Well... it's more my fault this happened, and I'm not really sure quite how it happened but Alice said I should tell you and—"

"Lily!"

"Right! Sorry! Okay... my sister saw us together a few days ago and assumed we were dating because I've been out the house a lot recently and she thought I'd been spending my time with you."

Christian's eyes went wide with horror, or something resembling it, but he had the decency not to interrupt her.

"And my mum... she gets a bit excited about these things so she asked you over for dinner. And before you ask, they didn't believe me when I said you weren't my boyfriend and they never will."

He didn't say anything for a dangerous amount of time. Lily was half considering hitting him round the head with something heavy and hoping it would serve as memory loss.

"I'll do it. It's just one day, right? I've to pretend to be your boyfriend for one day?"

She nodded a little to zealously, a bright grin of relief painted over her face.
"Thank you so much! You've no idea how much this means to me!"

Christian nodded, his blonde hair catching the wind, he returned her smile but a part of his expression was still curious.
"Lily?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Where is it you have been spending your time?"

With James. "Just... out and about."

He nodded uncertainly as they turned the corner onto her street. Slush squelching about beneath their feet where the pavement hadn't been gritted.

Lily wished he hadn't mentioned it. Now James was on her mind and he was everywhere; crawling into her subconscious like some sort of highly infectious disease. His laugh in her ears, his smile behind her eyes...

Christian looked down at her and for a split second Lily swore his eyes weren't pale blue; but instead they were hazel– deeper than the thickest of forests, bathed in golden hour light... but it was gone in a flash. She'd imagined it. Of course she had.

Lily hadn't noticed that they'd stopped by her front gate until she'd nearly walked into it.
"Oh!"

Christian laughed. It was a nice laugh, a little more shrill and a lot less thrilling than the one ringing in her ears at that moment but it was nice. He was nice. He was nice.

"Thank you for walking me back," she said, "and for the other thing too."

"No worries, I'll see you around?"

Lily nodded and before he turned to leave she kissed his cheek.
"Really, thank you."

She could feel his blush as she pulled away but her cheeks remained tinged only by the cold air. Odd.

"Bye, Lily."

She offered him one last wave before going down the garden gate. She didn't look back.

♥ ♥ ♥

(16th December 1977 continued)

Dorcas was waiting for her when she entered the house, perched on the kitchen counter and drinking from an orange juice carton nonchalantly. She was still in running gear from track training and stray wisps of charcoal hair were curling round her head in an odd, ironic, halo.

"Hello darling. You're out of orange juice." Dorcas' said, smiling saccharinely.

Lily rolled her eyes, "bitch," she muttered playfully, walking into the kitchen to pull Dorcas off the counter and led the way to her bedroom.

"Was that Jewish-Christian at the front gate there?" Dorcas asked once they'd settled down and she'd taken a slumping seat on Lily's bed.

"Yeah, he offered to help me out with the whole 'is this your boyfriend' malarkey. Pretty nice of him."

Dorcas nodded but her expression didn't agree. She watched her best friend with intense scrutiny as she chose a record (The Carpenters- Now & Then).

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me..."

Dorcas shook her head, shimmying further back on the bed.

"Dorcas Rae Meadowes, tell me this instant or so help me god..."

"Fine! Fine... it's just..." she sighed, "well you wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't spent so much time with James– the time your mum and Tuney assumed you'd spent with Mr Boring."

Lily felt herself going red but she ignored it.
"Oh he's Mr Boring now, is he?"

"Yes! Lily he's about as exciting as watching paint dry and you know it."

She looked away, allowing the music to swallow any potential reply she might have, hoping Dorcas would give up. Eventually she did and they spent the rest of the day listening to records and dancing in her bedroom. This was what she was supposed to be doing with her life. Not worrying about Christian; or missing James; or even allowing her fears of magic to consume her. She should be with her best friend, doing whatever she wanted. Being normal... whatever that was. She sincerely hoped one day that she might find out...

(16th December 1977)

Remus woke from his light sleep to Sirius Black hovering, slightly ominously, over his cot.

"What the bloody fuck are you doing, Pads?" He grumbled, his voice still lost somewhere in the back of this throat, thick with sleep.

"I'm breaking you out. I know you can walk a little so I'm going to help you get out for the night." Sirius was beaming; that stupid, beautiful grin on his face that rarely left.

Remus pushed himself into a sitting position, glancing around the hospital wing to see it was almost pitch black outside.
"And why are you doing this?"

"Because I know you're going crazy in here and you don't want to admit that to James because then he'd call you a hypocrite for making fun of his inability to stay indoors. I'm doing you a favour, please just take it."

Remus thought for a moment. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea? Maybe he should just go back to sleep?... ultimately, it was Sirius' face that convinced him to go. He was (
grinning superciliously, in that way he did when he wanted something or when he was proud of himself. He looked so beautiful it nearly hurt to look at him, if he'd said no then it'd only have gotten worse.

"Fine. But if I fall asleep wherever you're taking me then you're going to levitate me back. I'm not waking back up for your bullshit, okay?"

Sirius nodded, "the deal is done."

Remus smiled and allowed himself to be hauled up.
"Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"I'm taking my blanket with me."

♣ ♣ ♣

(17th December 1977 continued)

Sirius always thought things looked better from a distance. The castle grounds stretched out before them like a blanket, empty and peaceful. Snow had returned earlier that day and freshened the sleet that had previously coated the landscape they admired.

From a distance it was easier to judge the full picture, see the rolling hills and the expanse of the lake. And the stars.

The stars were peppered behind wisps of clouds, as if they were trying to escape, brimming over the edges. Sirius studied them for a moment and smiled.

"Why aren't James and Marlene speaking?" Remus asked, breaking the silence they had forged and taking a seat on the astronomy tower floor.

"I don't know. Prongs won't say anything and I've not been with Marlene alone long enough to ask. How did you know?"

Remus shrugged as Sirius came to sit next to him, backs against the wall, feet stretched out in front of them. Their shoulders were touching but Sirius tried not to think about that.

"I've been sick for, maybe, five days and everything is chaos. Imagine what Mary will think when she comes back."

Sirius chuckled, then he turned to look at Remus. Directly at Remus...

The world stopped. Everything stopped.
The world was chaos. Everything had been flipped over so many times it was impossible to determine which way was up. In Hogwarts, in the wizarding world, the Muggle world. Everything was mental and there was Remus, amongst the chaos– the only thing worth paying any attention to. It was that moment he knew... there was no going back for him. Ever. And even if there were –even if there was a way out– Sirius would never take it, because the only person he'd want to take with him was Remus.

"I can't carry on like this," he said.

"Like what?"

They were so close now. So close.

"I can't carry on, pretending I'm not in love with you when I've never been more in love with anything in my life."

Sirius could pinpoint the exact moment that Remus stopped breathing. The dip in his throat caught and his eyes glazed. Remus did nothing for a moment; as if moving would wake him up from a dream. Sirius was about to apologise when his breathing began again:

"Then stop pretending."

"What?"

"Stop pretending, Sirius. Just stop." They watched each other for a second longer before their eyes flickered shut and they kissed. It was soft, gentle. A promise.

"The world is chaos," Sirius breathed, his grin thick in his voice as he pulled away, only an inch.

"Well when chaos descends, I want to be here with you so we can watch it burn together."

Sirius was always of the persuasion that things looked better from a distance. But he had also leaned that every rule had an exception. In this case it was Remus John Lupin.

♣ ♣ ♣

(18th December 1977)

The sun hadn't fully risen when Esme-Leigh turned over in Mary's bed, pulling the duvet tightly over her shoulders. She'd slept in Mary's bed every night and so she didn't expect to see someone else occupying her own four-poster.

Esme sat up to get a better look. A fan of golden blonde hair was stretched across the pillow, long, dark eyelashes with blonde tips fanned over vehement freckled cheeks and masked what would be pale green eyes.

Mary was home, and she was asleep in Esme's bed.

"Mary!" She shrieked, startling the dozing girl but frightening Trudy and Aliona the most. The other two girls nearly fell out their beds to witness the commotion.

Mary sat up, grinning.
"What were you doing in my bed, Goldilocks?" She asked, doing her best to plaster on a frown as she extended her arms to Esme.

Esme-Leigh turned her hair white-blonde and raised an eyebrow.
"Now I look the part!" She allowed herself to melt into Mary's embrace, kneeling on the bed and holding her as close as she could.
"I missed you, is all," she whispered in Mary's ear just as Aliona and Trudy came to join the hug.

"I'll go and get Marlene!" Aliona called over her shoulder as she skipped out the room. She didn't know that she'd find Marlene curled up on the Head's common room couch with James, having resolved their argument, and so James came back to share in the celebration too. Peter came from his dorm as well but no one was able to locate Sirius and Remus...

But just before it all begun, Esme-Leigh and Mary were alone. Aliona had gone to fetch Marlene and Trudy- Ozma, leaving them on Esme's bed, still clinging onto each other.

"How's the astronomy homework going?" Mary muttered in her ear.

Esme pulled back to laugh and realised her hair had gone back to its usual jubilant, diamond blue.
"It's fine. How are the twins and your mum?"

Mary's eyes were bright while she nodded, waiting to tell the full story when their company arrived.

They stayed like that until the whole group found their way into the seventh year girls dorm (even James and Peter found a way). It was in that moment that Esme learned that Mary wasn't a reason. When Mary was around she no longer needed a reason. She forgot all about them.

Mary was not a reason. She was a distraction, and Esme-Leigh would give anything to live in her distraction day after day. To live in this moment, bottle it forever, but she knew it was impossible. Soon her search for a reason would return, but for now she allowed hope to fool her.

Hey! Hope you liked this one! A lot happened so if there's any questions I'd be happy to clear them up also FINALLY WOLFSTARRRR!! and for anyone interested- Christian has been added to the side characters chapter!

Anyway next thing: the anniversary of the RBDS has just been to I want to wish every member of the JilySquad a happy anniversary! I love you all to the moon and back!

Thanks for reading everyone, and sticking with me through slow updates!

Love you all,

Abbi♥️