This chapter is dedicated to Elle not just because she replied to my message, but because she's so sweet and supportive and I couldn't be more grateful!
starchaser77 ♥️♥️♥️

(2nd April 1978)

Dear James,

Over the past few days, I've been confronted with a series of mysteries that I have been striving to solve.
A number of them surrounding you, and perhaps us (a loosely used term) so while I won't divulge all the mysteries here, I will tell you this much.

Since we nearly kissed, I began to question if such a thing was a good idea at all? Perhaps I was scared? Perhaps I was worried? Wrong? My father talked to me when I came inside, and it made me realise something, which was only reiterated watching Dorcas and Marlene part ways.

We had talked, earlier in the year, about waiting, and deciding that perhaps one day we would be ready for each other, be the right person. However the mystery I have come to solve is that this time may never arise, and I think that perhaps we should forget the whole thing. Love, I find, does little for me, and only contributes to the pain I experience and see around me.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted, but I think this is right. The world still turns without love, and I intend to turn with it.

Mysteries are complex things, that sometimes have many solutions, and that is what makes them so perplexing. I wish, one day, to have solved them all.

Best wishes,
Lily (shortstop)

It had been a very long while since James had known devastation like it. Reading Lily's letter felt like having a stone fall to the very bottom of his stomach and lodge itself there, crushing him internally when nothing looked amiss from the outside.

She didn't want him. That was the gist of it. She didn't want him. And he loved her.

Every time James closed his eyes, he would still see her face, smiling at him in the fading light, the spring bringing in the return of dramatic sunsets, causing her hair to shine gold and her eyes to sparkle. He'd realised how truly he loved her, no idea when it had begun, no idea when it would fade– if it would fade. He loved her, that was the god honest truth, and she didn't want him.
Perhaps to Lily it wouldn't be so difficult, but the thought of forgetting they had ever been so close to each other– ever entertained the idea of them being together– was completely impossible.

The Head Boy dorm was bathed in silence around him and James wondered if this was how Lily had felt? So much of their lives had been experienced in silence. The comfort the day his mother died, words were no use; sadness the day she had cried to him and broken his heart slightly more. But now she was asking him to love her in silence, because it was either that or stop, and if there was one thing James had learned it was that one can hurt more than anything when they are in love, but what hurts most is the fact it's forever.

James exhaled a string of cigarette smoke out the window into the night. He had loved Lily a while, that much he was sure, perhaps it didn't matter how or when he finally realised. Now he just wished it were possible to truly 'forget about the whole thing,' because maybe that would mean he could forget he'd ever loved her in the first place.

♣ ♣ ♣

(2nd April 1978 continued)

James hadn't slept when Marlene came to knock on his door, once the morning had finished arriving in a flurry of colour that James had been there to watch. He pulled on a T-shirt and opened the door to greet her.

"Yes?"

"Get dressed, Mary's getting out of hospital today!"

James dropped his glasses which he had previously been about to push onto his face. They hit the floor with a small clatter the same time as his jaw fell open.

"Really?"

The Head Girl was grinning brighter than the summer solstice.
"Yes! Get dressed, you big idiot, come on!"

"Give me five minutes!" He replied, closing the door again and rushing to get dressed. 

When they arrived outside the door of the hospital wing, Esme-Leigh, Aliona, Trudy, Ozma and the other three marauders were already outside the door along with a few of Mary's other friends. James recognised Pippa Rew and Georgia Sanderson from Mary's Divination class and her Herbology partner, Roisin McGirr. James grinned at them all, coming to stand between Sirius and Esme-Leigh.
"Why are we all waiting outside?"

Sirius shrugged at the same time Esme responded, "we're surprising her when she comes out the doors, which will be any minute."

James nodded, noticing the tears already forming around Esme-Leigh's pink irises as she waited. He wondered if Esme knew she loved Mary? If not, would she find out one day, all of a sudden like he had? Or would there be a moment in which a switch flicks and it becomes immediately apparent? Would Mary allow Esme-Leigh to love her? James hoped so, because as he watched his friend contain her excitement, he could not see anything but love on her face.

Mary arrived minutes later and was confronted with violent applause from her friends. Instantly her face broke into a grin and James almost didn't see her laugh because she was immediately surrounded by those that loved her in a group hug. James joined them, wrapping his around around them, somewhere between Remus and Marlene.

As he stood there with them, and when he caught Mary's eye between everyone's smiled and brightness, she smiled back at him, and for a second James forgot. His mind sailed and the thought of Lily, and love, and the pain he'd been in just hours ago had disappeared for the most fleeting and wonderful of moments.

The second he stopped forgetting, the world came crashing back down and James realised he would do anything to experience it again, to forget.

(2nd April 1978)

After writing the letter to James three days ago, Lily hadn't received a response. She assumed James just hadn't gotten it yet, but the more she thought about it, the more her gut twisted uncomfortably.

The morning was drab, matching the downtrodden and uncomfortable feeling rolling around the pit of her stomach when she made her way downstairs.

Petunia hadn't been home for several days, but this morning Lily heard her voice before she rounded the corner into the kitchen, she was speaking with their mother in a hushed tone. With trepidation, Lily attempted to make sense of their whispers while remained unseen.

"...apologise to you... I know."

"Too late for... why you... you promised..."

Lily felt the knot in her stomach tighten as she squared her shoulders and entered the kitchen.
"It's not Petunia you should apologise to, it's dad. He's the one that cleans up your mess and forgives you every time."

Just thinking about her father that night makes Lily's eyes fill with lamentable tears. Seeing Martin Evans appear so tired and broken nearly shattered her. It wasn't right, to see your hero as simply human, as something breakable, fragile. It cut to know that her father was not everything she thought him when she was a little girl. It broke her heart even more to know it was her mother's fault.

Faith Evans did not startle at her daughters entry or comments, she only nodded and looked away out the window at the house's back-garden. Sometimes she would do the same thing when she was too drunk to notice the world turning around her –she could stare for hours– but Lily saw her eyes were sober, it was the very least she could do.

"I'm leaving, then." She nodded, not saying goodbye, or acknowledging her sister, just leaving and not looking back.

♥ ♥ ♥

(2nd April 1978 continued)

Alice was making tea while Lily perched on the kitchen bunker of the Fortescue bungalow. The counter was an off white and the cupboard a pale mint, the cottage was modern in the 50s though Lily still liked it's character nearly thirty years later.

Lily watched her friend stir sugar into the mugs –one for Lily and two for Alice– and tap the teaspoon lightly in the edge of the mug before putting it in the sink.

"So," Alice began, handing Lily her tea and regarding her as if she were about to embark on a long speech. "What is it that's bothering you?"

"Nothing much. I'd rather think about other things."

Alice often did this, she would know exactly when something was bother Lily and make it her mission to discover the source of the problem. It was just a trait that made her so unapologetically Alice.
"It's a distraction you're looking for?"

Slowly Lily nodded, as if considering the question while her body was already answering.
"It's been a long few days. I wrote a letter to James and I think I've made the right decision, but it doesn't mean I like it."

Alice's honeydew eyes immediately turned to molten gold in sympathy, "oh pet, we'll need to get a good film to watch then, won't we?"

Lily laughed, there was something about Alice that omitted copious waves of comfort. Somehow there was always a reassuring word to be said, or a distraction to find, a way to forget, and it was always Alice that knew how to find it. She must keep a map.

"Nothing romantic."

"Of course nothing romantic. We'll get something absolutely awful that we can make fun of."

Lily shrugged, "that's no fun without Dorcas."

"Well the phone is in the hall, pet!"

Alice must have been an angel. It was the only explanation to this situation. Perhaps she could read minds? Lily thought she was just sublime.

(2nd April 1978)

There was a certain comfort to the Hogwarts library. Many people used it as a place to study, especially with exams beginning to slowly close in; however it was also a place in which many people would come with the intent on studying only to end up clandestinely horsing around with each other, laughing behind hands to avoid being caught by the librarian.

It was the latter option that best friends Aliona Connolly and Trudy Nott were suffering from that particular day.
"I can't believe Isabelle would even consider Robert! He's not half as pretty as she is!" Trudy gasped, sounding scandalised, as if Isabelle Herriot's mediocre love life was something to be considered as mortal sin.

"Maybe she likes him?"

"He can't even spell Alchemy, 'Lona! Personally I'd rather shit in my hand and clap."

Aliona snorted, "what a charming pureblood witch you are!"

Trudy bowed mockingly, "truly."

They laughed like it was second nature. Recently, now that Trudy fought so often with her girlfriend, it was easy to forget that things had ever been amiss to them. In fact, Trudy's confession of love last year had felt like a thousand years ago. For Aliona that was more the problem than the solution, but at least they were back to some resemblance of their relationship before.

It was that moment that Ozma Periwinkle came into the library, wearing a kindly smile when she kissed Trudy on the cheek and making Aliona feel ill.

"Hey, you guys ready for dinner?"

Trudy nodded, "are you coming, 'Lona?"

Aliona glanced at Ozma and Trudy, already holding hands, seemingly on good terms today (she wondered how long that would last).
"No it's alright, I'll have dinner with Mary and Marlene."

"You sure?"

She nodded, forcing her attention onto the window where the Gryffindors were having a practice session on the quidditch pitch.

The two left not long after, leaving Aliona to watch the practice. It would be nice, she mused, to have a distraction like quidditch. She'd heard from Marlene and Esme-Leigh– though she was no longer in the team– that playing was like the world melted away and there was only the game. Something completely new from her internal struggles. If Aliona played quidditch then perhaps she could be a beater, she would certainly like to hit something right about now. A distraction was what she needed, though she doubted it was easy to forget one was in love with their best friend, even if they captained the Holyhead Harpies.

♣ ♣ ♣

(4th April 1978)

Match day was always something nerve wracking, and the Ravenclaws were looking overly vicious this season, if not downright scary. James had neglected to think about the companionship Ravenclaw's beaters Paula Drowny and Heston Mayfield were forming on the pitch this season, it was like they could read each other's minds. Of course Hestia and Sirius had always been a good pair, famous for their friendship on and off the pitch, but it was slowly becoming clear that the third and sixth year Ravenclaws were becoming a duo to be reckoned with.
And that was only considering beaters. Gryffindor may have arguably the best unit of chasers, but after James, Georgie Green and Ben Fleetwood were the two highest goal scorers of last season.
James fancied his team's chances, but it was going to be a snarler of a game as his father would have said...

The great hall was buzzing as usual– even more so for a match day, but it was Lucas McKinnon that dropped down beside James that morning, his glasses sat on the bridge of his nose as though they'd slipped down and he didn't care for pushing them up (or maybe, just maybe, he was waiting for someone to do it for him).
"Nervous?"

"I wouldn't admit it if I was."

Lucas grinned, "you're a born captain. That's probably why the scouts are here."

"Yeah, I mean— who called scouts here?!"

Lucas's eyes went wide and he shared a look with Mary, who James realised was sitting opposite him.
"Marlene didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Shit. I've ruined her surprise for you!"

A voice behind James told him that Marlene had heard every word, "seen as there's no point in waiting, you bastard," she glared at Lucas, "I might as well say I invited some scouts for you, Prongs. I know you didn't want to pursue a quidditch career until after the war but the Wasps, the Tornados, and the Arrows are only recruiting after the war too. So I thought you could give them something to think about."

While she was talking, James realised he'd gotten to his feet and was facing her, she was in matching quidditch robes to his and her hair tied tightly back. "Well?" She said with an air of trepidation.

"Marlene Gardenia McKinnon," he whispered to her, "I love you to absolute pieces!" He cried the last part, swinging her into his arms. It had been a while since James had used her middle name, it was a tradition in both McKinnon and Fletchly families that the women be given middle names rarely spoken but by those they trust and their mothers. The only people outside Marlene's family to know her mother-given name were Esme-Leigh, James and Dorcas.

Marlene laughed aloud and people began to stare as he set her down. All of a sudden Ravenclaw's team didn't seem so scary. In fact, he was rather looking forward to such a distraction from life, and now he had even more purpose to win this game.

♣ ♣ ♣

(4th April 1978 continued)

"Here for the final match of this quidditch season is the Gryffindor team! Fifth year keeper, Jamie Tremmor– an average of eight to ten saves and a sparkling first year on the team! Followed by the beaters Sirius Black and Hestia Jones, Jones of course is the favourite for captain next year, and Sirius is looking good in his third year on the team!"

A third year commentator's voice fills the pitch (Remus had been expelled from his post during the Slytherin vs Hufflepuff game two weeks ago) as the crowd roared for Sirius and Hestia, which they took largely to their advantage, James watched from the stands as they waved to their adoring housemates, he swore Hestia winked at someone but he couldn't be sure. Final match day before the finals began always took longer to introduce the players to amp up the tension.

"Next up is Gryffindor's own famous trio! It's Zoë Richardson, McAuley Sallanger, and finally your very own captain, with two quidditch titles under his belt and top goal scorer for the third year running, James Potter!"

The introduction did little to deflate his ego and a lot to boost his confidence, James zipped onto the pitch to run a warm up lap with his team wearing a bright grin on his face. The wind began to whistle around him and his broom seemed to be almost as eager as him, it neatly cut through the air.

"And last but not least, it's this seeker's final season with us and what an exciting one it's shaped up to be! It's Gryffindor's hero, Marlene McKinnon!"

James glanced over his shoulder as she circled round the pitch to see his best friend, his sister really, grin up at him. Behind her was Sirius, his brother, wearing an equally deviant and brilliant smile. It didn't matter about anything else now, this game was going to be it.

The Ravenclaw team arrived on the pitch with similarly flattering introductions as the Gryffindors took their place on the ground.

It felt like autopilot the way James shook the captain' hand, high on adrenaline.
"Best of luck," he said kindly.

James was in the air before he could blink. His friends by his side, and everything else faded away. It was this game everything led down to. It was now or never. Make or break. He wouldn't let them down.

♣ ♣ ♣

(4th April 1978 continued)

The chasers had racked up a near record amount of points in the first forty five minutes, their unit proved to be better than Ravenclaw, James had known this of course, that they were a relatively new team, but things were going awfully well.

"Potter scored another! Ravenclaw let another in the left hoop, putting them behind 110-80!"

Sirius flew up to clap James on the back before he was off again, tailing Hestia in a play they'd created on their own.

The Ravenclaws were in possession but Zoë was doing a good job of making that a problem.
James whistled a pattern, indicating their next play, and instantly the other two got into position.

That was when he saw Ravenclaw's seeker make a dive, seconds later the commentator was on it.
"Devlin makes a dive for the snitch! Only an hour into the game! McKinnon closes in but she won't make it in time!"

James does not allow himself to panic, instead he places trust in the two players he's already been sure about. The two he's always known could deliver.
He whistles again, and seconds later Hestia has a bludger directed at Eoghan Devlin just as Sirius gets ready to swing it away before it hits Marlene.

"A nasty bludger goes for Devlin! And it's a cracking play from Black and Jones!"

But James wasn't watching Black or Jones, and neither were an increasing amount of Gryffindors from the stands. It was a moment before the commentator caught on...

"MCKINNON HAS THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR TAKES THE WIN 270 TO 140 POINTS!"

Faster than he ever had, James took a victory lap next to Sirius before flying down to see Marlene. As soon as they were both off their broom he swung her in the air.
"You fucking did it!"

She laughed, just as Sirius came behind them both and wrapped them in a tight hug.
"And you played your best game of the season, Prongs, the scouts will be fighting over you!"

Sirius shared a mischievous grin with James, "not if they spot you first."

"What?"

"Me and Padfoot went to speak with the scouts before the game and they agreed to consider you too."

At this Marlene squealed, jumping up and down like a child on Christmas morning.
"Really?! You guys!"

Sirius scoffed, "don't get soft on me now McKinnon!"

But Marlene wasn't listening, she was pulling Sirius and James into tight hugs and she'd only just let go when the Gryffindor students began flooding into the pitch.

Aliona reached James first, throwing her arms around his neck with glee.
"You played like a professional!"

"Thank you, Al," he laughed breathlessly against her neck, making eye contact with Marlene and nodding.

Aliona only giggled, her eyes bright with the same absence of chronic worry. There was something at the back of her mind too –much like James over Lily– but right now it was far from her thoughts. James admired that.

Aliona pulled away slowly, just as McAuley Sallanger appeared behind him and James noticed that she smelled of strawberries, the same way she had years ago.

♣ ♣ ♣

(4th April 1978 continued)

The common room party had been brassy and loud, walking a fine line between a good time and plain debauchery.

It was for that reason that the marauders and their close friends escaped the carnage in favour of a private party in the room of requirement. Gryffindor tower was so lively that Aliona doubted they'd even noticed their quidditch captain, seeker, and beater had disappeared; or if they had it wasn't given much further thought.

The room of requirement had an open space for dancing, surrounded by tables and chairs –most of which Sirius and Marlene had taken to dancing on– and there was a large record collection next to a turn table.

Sidestepping Remus and Esme-Leigh, Aliona made her way over and picked a new record before the single finished running. It had only played the first note before Marlene, Sirius and James started hollering in delight, Remus and Peter seemed less amused but Trudy was more than happy to join the festivities.

ABBA had always been a band that Trudy and Aliona had in common, when they were in first year, Trudy had only really known small amounts of muggle music, her parents may be kind enough people, but she was still a member of the Nott family. It was utter coincidence that ABBA had been both herself and Aliona's favourite band.

Trudy was laughing as Marlene turned her under her arm, James and Sirius were doing some sort of improvised dance routine while Peter attempted not to keel over from laughter.
Aliona walked away from the turntable and over to Trudy and Marlene, almost instantly Trudy pulled her in by the hand and they were dancing together. Neither of the girls noticed Marlene slip out their dance to drag Peter up from his chair.

It was a beautiful thing to dance with Trudy, because for the briefest of flashes, she would forget entirely who she is, or who she wished to be, and Aliona would watch in wonder as her best friend's brown eyes cleared from her worry and caramel hair bounced around her olive skin. It was easy to come to the conclusion that Trudy Nott was beautiful, especially when she danced.

The song ended soon after and although it was replaced with another, Aliona couldn't shake the feeling that she had done something terrible. Her sobriety forbidding her from forgetting that she'd just thought this about a girl in a relationship. A girl she had rejected because she was too scared.

Aliona may have been in love with Trudy –and perhaps Trudy had been in love with her at some point in time– but not anymore. Aliona wished to Godric there was a way she could forget it, before the pain eroded her heart.

♣ ♣ ♣

(4th April 1978 continued)

James was decently drunk. Sloshed enough to be convinced to do something asinine but not quite enough to have the grace of forgetting it the next day.

That was how Aliona Connolly found him, lying on the floor of the room of requirement, pillows from the couches had fallen off and into the floor, one rested next to his head but he hadn't the sense to shift it under his neck. It was quiet when she lay down, and a fire burned next to them, a fire James hadn't noticed was there during the party.

Everyone had gone now, Remus, Sirius and Peter to continue their game of drunk exploding snap; Marlene and Esme-Leigh to bed; and Trudy to find her girlfriend. James distinctly remembered Aliona's face falling when Trudy announced she was going, and he could nearly see tears in her eyes when Sirius made a joke about drunken sex in the hallways.

Aliona was a little drunk too, James noticed, though he didn't look at her. There was a fair amount of alcohol on her breath but she hadn't stumbled when she sat down, despite the fact she was usually a terrible klutz while drunk.

"Do you remember the first time we got drunk together? Just the two of us?"

James turned and watched her as she smiled, the memory washing over her like an ocean wave.
"We had been dating about a fortnight, and you'd nicked a bottle of firewiskey from Hogsmede. We drank it in your dorm while the other three boys were in detention."

Smiling, he nodded, "and we fell asleep on my bed, and hadn't realised the bottle must have fallen in our sleep so there was firewiskey all over my bedsheet. It smelt for a month!"

"It did?" Aliona asked incredulously, shifting slightly closer to him, as if these memories had transported them to a time where she would lie close and James would pull her closer.

"It smelt like firewiskey and strawberries. I think Trudy was more annoyed that you had a hangover the next day and begged her to fetch you pepper up potion from Poppy!"

At the mention of Trudy's name, James watched Aliona's beautiful face fall ever so slightly, clearly remembering another world like a distant memory.
"She got it for me, though."

"If it's any consolation, Sirius and Marlene were no help to me. In fact, Marls thought it was so funny that she wrote a letter about it to her girl– though I'm not sure they were together at that point. And Sirius, the bastard, wrote to my parents!" James assured her, which did rise a laugh from between her lips but it was short lived.

Their breathing wasn't loud, but it echoed across the stone walls, then joined by Aliona's voice.
"Can I ask you a question?"

"Depends on the question."

"Have you ever been in love with someone you shouldn't?"

Wordlessly, James turned his head fully to see her face, in the firelight he supposed she was beautiful. He rested his head on one of the arms he'd placed behind his head and merely watched her for a while, nearly forgetting the question. Aliona was classy, elegant where Lily was erratic and spontaneous. If she were a painting, Aliona would be fine strokes of impressionist detail and Lily would be a bust of colour and an array of overlapping, abstract brush strokes. Aliona's hair was the colour of vintage wine while Lily's was that of a wildfire. They were incomparably different, and yet he compared them anyway. How shallow, he thought.

"Yes. Yeah, I have."

Aliona nodded gently, "does it hurt?"

"Like being set on fire."

She nodded again, shifting closer so she could rest her head on his shoulder. James couldn't help but think about the way her hair still smelt like strawberries, and he recalled all the other times –years ago now– that they had lain like this, side by side, warm, and familiar.

"I'm in love with Trudy."

It was a revelation that didn't surprise him, though only because she herself hadn't known, and if it weren't for the firewiskey then perhaps she wouldn't have said anything at all.

James must have taken too long to answer before she continued, shifting closer still so her head lay soundly on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
"I realised it less than weeks after Trudy confessed she loved me, and I felt like an idiot. I am an idiot, and so I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, and that I was a muggleborn that could possibly dare to fall in love with a woman. By the time Marlene convinced me it was alright to enjoy loving both, Trudy had found Ozma."

James hummed lowly, his fingers absentmindedly stroking up and down Aliona's back, for her reassurance nearly as much as his own. Her story sounded familiar in the most peculiar of ways. The circumstances weren't the same, but his idiotic cowardice to admit he loved Lily?– that was familiar.

"I wanted to hate Ozma but she's so wonderful. Beautiful, intelligent, caring, honest, so I had to let go of the prospect of telling Trudy how deeply wrong I was. Even now, Ozma and Trudy are fighting more everyday but there's still love there. It's easy enough to understand."

There were tears in her silvery eyes, illuminating her sparkling irises in the flickering light. James watched her, transfixed, for a moment before recognising herself.
"Me? I'm in love with a muggle, though I'm not sure about anything anymore when it comes to Lily."

"Lily, the girl everyone's been teasing you about?"

James nodded, "the very same. She and I haven't found ourselves in the most welcoming circumstances." He wasn't sure why telling Aliona was helping, but the way she was watching him silently, her grey eyes brimming with understanding, allowed him to carry on.

"In the beginning Lily didn't think much of me at all. We bickered like children, and it upset Marlene and her girl but we couldn't seem to stop. It was only after my mother died that we really became friends. We'd fallen out at that point and were refusing to speak to each other, but when she found out about mum she appeared at the funeral and we sat on the roof of the church together, watching the sunset. That might have been when I began to fall in love with her, I suppose I'll never be sure when it all began."

James wasn't looking at Aliona anymore, he was transfixed on the fire dancing across the walls. The world was warm around him and the weight of Aliona on his chest reminded him that there was safety still.
"After that we became friends, I even bought her a golden snitch necklace, and I placed a charm on it, similar to the MPP badges, it's more of a good luck charm than anything, but it'll burn when she's in danger, and it's there to keep her warm, and I'll feel it too. Maybe it was a silly thing..."

When he trailed off, Aliona propped herself up off James' chest and onto one elbow.
"It's not silly at all. Or maybe we're both just silly? But, James, it's not a ridiculous thing to fall in love, only the way we've both handled it." She placed her left tenderly on his cheek, stroking his jaw tenderly, "tell me what happens next."

Her gaze was alluring and intense, James would have been a fool to deny her anything.
"I started sneaking out to see her, and at the beginning I thought I'd be fine. I helped her and she helped me. Then I started seeing her in the evening lights- her hair shining through the window; then all of a sudden her freckles were in the stars. Before I knew it she was everywhere, and she was all I could think about." James sighed and looked across at Aliona who smiled at him, her reassuring eyes luring him on.
"At Christmas time... I might have been too spirited for my own good, because we kissed. And we kissed again on New Year's Eve, but neither of us were happy. We weren't the sort that are supposed to be in love, and so we agreed to wait until we were –that's when I went on that date with Esme-Leigh– anyway, we waited for months and then last week we were watching the sunset I realised, just like that, how much I loved her. It was like a shock to the system, a bullet in my chest. And I was going to tell her, I swear I was, but Lily sent me a letter saying she wants to forget we were ever close enough to be more than friends. She wants to forget about the whole thing. So that's that. We don't get to choose who we love, I suppose, and even if we did, we don't get to chose who loves us back."

They said nothing, allowing the crackling of the fire and the gentle cadence of their breath to wash over them, sobering their thoughts, and bringing back the pain they'd desperately been trying to forget.

"Do you ever wish you could just... take it away for a while?"

James frowned, "you mean forget?"

Aliona nodded, "I want to forget, more than anything. Just for a little while."

"That sounds like heaven."

Something like a wry smile pulled at her cherry-red lips, and in the same breath she'd placed them on his. Her kiss was soft, gentle, and comforting. There was something about the way the fire danced around them, and in the mirror feeling of her eyes that made everything wash away. James kissed her back, but only as gently as she kissed him.

It didn't last long, and then they broke apart Aliona was still running the tips of her fingers over his jaw, and James still stroked her the dip across her back up to the ends of her dark red hair.

"Al—"

"Shhh," she whispered gently as kissed the spot where his ear met the side of his face, "just think about it. We can't have the people we're desperately in love with, no matter how much we wish we could. We're both in the same situation, sharing the same unique pain." Her voice was low and smooth as it caressed his ears. She'd moved to his jaw now, and replaced her fingers with her lips, trailing featherlight kisses along the line of his jaw. James did not protest.
"So why can't we be a distraction, a way out. One night to forget that this pain even exists, and in the morning, we leave this room and never speak about it again. We don't tell a soul and it's as though we were on lost time, like it never even happened."

James sighed, and kissed the top of her head, she broke her lips from their connection to his neck and looked up.
"Okay," he said, "we don't tell a soul, and tomorrow we're still friends, alright?"

"We will always be friends, James Potter."

He smiled and pulled her into a slow kiss.
"You still taste like strawberries," he told her in a low voice against her lips. Aliona chuckled as she began to unbutton his shirt.

"Yeah?"

"In fifth year, when we were together, I always remember how you would taste like that strawberry lip gloss you wore, and your hair smelt like it too."

"I still have the lip gloss, I don't wear it as often now, but maybe it's fitting that I chose today to wear it?"

James laughed and kissed her again, "maybe, either way."

In the night they dissolved into one another, until nothing existed but them. No pain, no being love, no exhaustion, and longing. There was only the flicker of firelight on skin, and kisses that tasted of firewiskey and strawberry lip gloss.

Hey guys! I was really scared of writing this chapter because it's been in my head for months! I've written it so many times in my brain and was slightly disappointed with how it came out but I can't complain!

Hope everyone is doing well, I'm still in recovery from seeing Harry Styles in Glasgow but it's nearly the summer!

Lots of love,

Abbi♥️