(Last trigger warning for this book. If the topics of addiction, depression, and SH are too difficult to read - please drop this book! If you are struggling don't hesitate to contact me.)

***

"OW! Kei, what the fuck!" As of ten minutes ago Kiera and Keisuke had decided to invite Chifuyu over for dinner and movies. Their mom was working, as usual, and the three were planning to hang out anyways (they always did, today was just formal). Being too stubborn to order food the siblings decided to cook — but things weren't going as planned.

Settling on taiyaki so they could rub it in Mikey's face later, it was unanticipated how difficult making it would be. Henceforth leading to Keisuke hitting her upside the head with a metal bowl.

"Move next time!" Her brother huffed, placing the bowl beside her. "Not my fault you got a big ass head. Try deflating your ego."

Growling at him, when he reached for a wooden spoon she snapped, biting at his hand. He retreated into himself in seconds, scolding her. "Fuck off. Bad Kiera, bad!"

She let him get the spoon this time, purposely flashing her unusually sharp canines. Keisuke kept his eye trained on her. His long black hair was tied in a messy bun, two strands framing his face. A pink and white polka-dot apron covered his grey shirt, paired with black sweats and bare feet.

Pretty much opposite to him, Kiera wore a long-sleeved Nine Inch Nail shirt and shorts, along with thigh-high socks. One black, one grey. Her fluffy pink hair was pulled into a unicorn ponytail to keep it away from the food.

The two siblings got back to work, bickering back and forth nonstop but getting the job done nonetheless. Spoon in hand, Kiera was putting the wet ingredients into the dry as Keisuke preheated the oven.

"Hey, Screwball?" Kei asked, looking over her shoulders. "Where're the eggshells? I was gonna take the compost out."

"..Eh?" Kiera asked, tilting her head like a confused puppy. "Why would we throw them out?"

"..." Keisuke was silent for a moment, a dark expression falling over his eyes. "...What did you do with them?"

Kiera said nothing and simply pointed to the batter with a grin. "I put two eggs in!" Never in her life had she seen her brother so scared. Traumatized even. Not when challenging Mikey, or when Peke J pissed on his shoe. Heck, not even with the bike...

Maybe that last one was a bit of an exaggeration.

Shrugging indifferently, she picked up the spoon and stirred. "I don't see what the big deal is, I make omelets all the time and they're tasty."

"Tastily down the garbage," he muttered back, turning once more to the oven. Putting a small pot on the counter, he turned the stove on. Kiera gasped dramatically and Kei jumped.

Hitting him on the shoulder with the battered spoon, it smeared all down his sleeve. "How dare you! I thought you loved my cooking!"

"It tastes horrendous every time and you know it!"

"Take that back!"

"Take back the truth—? No!"

The two continued to bicker with one another, progressively getting louder. So focused on yelling they didn't notice the bag of cheese puffs on the stove top, nor the knocking that sounded at the door.

Chifuyu stood outside the Baji house, sighing to himself and blowing strands of faux blond hair from his forehead. Very clearly could he hear the two siblings inside the house. This wasn't an abnormal occurrence. He lived in the same apartment building, so when the siblings had a particularly bad spat, they were heard everywhere.

"I thought you loved me," Kiera hollered, sniffling to herself.

"How does that have anything to do with your cooking?" The older Baji questioned. Neither of the siblings noticed the door open or close, or Chifuyu walking into the kitchen.

"Hey guy一 OH MY GOD," the blond in question shrieked, looking past the two siblings to the stove behind them. Kiera turned to look, seeing a cheese puff bag completely engulfed in flame.

Unsure of what to do, Kiera reacted instinctively, grabbing the bowl of batter and throwing it. Most missed and splattered up the wall, but the little that didn't hissed and spat against the blaze.

Chifuyu was far more effective, taking a minute to scan the area. Finding the fire extinguisher on the wall he lunged for it. The fire out in under ten seconds. Once it was little more than a pile of dry chemical foam, the three teens just stood there, left in shock; staring at the complete mess left behind.

Kiera was the first to look away, acting as if everything was normal. "'Sup, Chifuyu."

"Hey, Ki. Nice hair."

"Danke~!"

Turning away from the disaster, Keisuke asked, "Take out?" Taking his phone out after a chorus of 'yes' he began calling away. Kiera took one look at the mess and it was a hard pass. No way in hell was she dealing with that right now.

Slipping the yellow elastic out of her hair and onto her wrist, it rested beside the black butterfly charm one Keisuke had taken out of his bun. The two elastics always stayed there. One for Keisuke, and one for someone else, though she borrowed it sometimes. She didn't think they'd mind.

If they even remembered.

"Let's get set up~!" Kiera giggled, slipping her hand into Chifuyu's and heading for the couch. The trio always hung out, but tonight was special. They'd organized an all-nighter, filled with movie's and snacks..minus cheese puffs.

"Organized" as in called their blond friend last minute to propose the idea, and of course he'd agreed.

Flustered and blushing, Chifuyu went along with her. All he could think about was how perfect their hands fit together, how soft hers were, how bright her smile was when she grinned at him...

It was ridiculous, really, the effect the spunky girl could have on him.

Kiera's mind was in a very different place. She wanted to have fun with her brother and Fuyu so badly. Nothing else mattered. But in the back of her head, clawing and scratching, was the schoolwork she'd left unfinished.

It was shoved in her bag, resting in the corner of her room. Untouched.

..I could get it, finish what I have to do...No, I'm busy right now. Who cares about school...

"What do you think we should watch first?" Kiera asked, throwing herself onto the couch. Her and her brother had stacked it with blankets and pillows so you could sink right in— like a nest.

Sitting beside her, Chifuyu shrugged. Clad in a tank-top, flannel, and black sweatpants he fit right into the bundle of bedding. "Mmmm, action maybe? Or a drama."

"Now you're speaking my language," Kiera grinned, pouncing for the remote. She was one of those people that needed instant rewards. Slow build ups would leave her going crazy.

"Foods been ordered," Keisuke drawled, coming into the living room. He no longer wore the shirt she'd smeared batter on, trading it for a boring black tee.

Noticing the two on the couch, he chose the recliner chair, which was also piled with blankets and pillows.

"We have chosen, drum roll please," Kiera said, and Chifuyu began drumming his hands. "An action movie!"

"I'm down with that, pass me the remote," her brother said and she complied.

It was a simple thing, the way she sat up and tossed Keisuke the remote. Her eyes, a dark black yet sparkling with russet. The controller hit her brother in the head and she let loose a pearly laugh, canines flashing as she grinned. The sound was pure happiness, Chifuyu couldn't help but feel overcome with joy every time he heard it. His mouth made a slight 'o' before he found himself grinning too, laughing along side her.

"I think I'm in love with you.." Chifuyu murmured to himself, his ocean green eyes filled with a shimmering sparkle — not realizing he spoke aloud. Keisuke choked on his drink, soda spraying as he coughed.

For at least ten months now Chifuyu'd had the fattest crush on the girl. Those feelings had been bubbling in his chest — growing with every passing day. Baji had been able to tell immediately based on the flustered mess he became. In his defense, Kiera didn't make it easy to hide with that shameless personality of hers.

"Hmm?" Kiera gave him a quick sideways glance, watching in curiosity as Chifuyu's face grew embarrassed. "Whatdya say?"

Recovering quickly, Keisuke adjusted himself on the seat, picking up the remote to continue flicking through movies. Blankly he stated, "he said you belong in the zoo."

Immediately Chifuyu felt his cheeks flare up, desperately shaking his head 'no'. "I..I did not!"

"Oh?" She said, raising an eyebrow. She'd always found it amusing how worked up he could get over the lightest teasing. It was adorable, really. "Want me on display, is that it? You could have just asked y'know.."

This time both boys choked. Kiera never ceased to be able to surprise even those closest to her. Secretly, she got a kick out of it.

"I- n..no no I- .. that's not what I said! BAJI, tell her that's not what I said!!" Chifuyu yelled, glaring at the long-haired Baji sibling.

Keisuke wrinkled his nose in distaste, his pointed canines showing. "It doesn't matter what you said 'cuz that's what I'm saying. You belong to the zoo, Screwball. You look like a gorilla."

Dramatically she gasped, throwing herself over Chifuyu to try and swat her twins head. The attempts were fruitless, but she was clearly piqued. "Yeah, well, we're twins so what does that say about you!"

"I got the attractive genes!"

"Nuh uh, big forehead!"

"Annoying ass motherfucker!"

"Tall shit stain wanna b一"

With a screech, Chifuyu stopped them, his face completely red. Kneeling over him, Kiera had failed to realize how close her breasts were to his face. "Ok, ENOUGH, let's start the movies!"

Both grumbling, they got comfortable again, choosing to put on a simple subbed Marvel movie. Food came half way through, but Kiera couldn't pay attention to anything. She barely ate, pushing the noodles around with her chopsticks.

She couldn't focus on anything. Just the work still sitting in her room. It was like she could hear it whispering her name, beckoning her to its doors. The purrs slowly turned to chatter, louder and louder until it felt like it was roaring at her, screaming harsh words.

Useless!

Disgrace!

Brainless!

Disappointment!

It was halfway through their second movie when she just couldn't take it anymore. She needed to try and finish something.

Jumping to her feet, both Chifuyu and Keisuke flinched in their seats at the brashness. "The hell are you doing?" Her brother asked, lip curled in annoyance.

"I forgot there's something I need to do," she answered, offering an apologetic smile and walking down the white-painted walls to her room. "Keep watching without me."

She didn't stay long enough to hear a response, entering her room and closing the door with a small slam. Here in her bedroom was one of few places she could feel completely at ease. The walls were pale grey, but you could barely see them through the sheer amount of ivy vines and pictures lining them.

Before you asked, no, she wasn't the one to take care of the plants. Chifuyu and...he.. had made sure to keep them alive.

To the right was her closet, but more clothes were covering the ground then where they were supposed to be. Straight in front of the door was her desk, stacked with books and papers, no clear space to write. Lastly, to the left was her bed, decorated with a simple black and yellow design.

Walking over to the desk she pushed everything off with a sweep of her arm. Books fell on top of each other, empty cups hitting the ground, papers ripping. But she just didn't care. All her attention was on the chemistry now sitting in front of her, taunting her.

CH4+O2 → CO2+H2O

Balance that? How could she possibly balance that? What did that even mean? She couldn't even see the point of the question.

For ages she sat there, staring at the letters, reading through her textbook. Trial and error, trial and error, nothing seemed to be working. Tears began to prick her russet eyes, trailing down her cheeks, leaving stains on the empty work below her.

"USELESS!" She screamed at herself, hitting her legs with balled fists. "Go..goddamnit, m..m..mom's gonna b..be so disap..p..pointed in me.." Kiera said between sobs. Running her hands through her hair she slammed her head on the desk.

Why couldn't she ever do anything right? Why couldn't she just commit to school, instead of jumping the line? Stupid stupid stupid...

You're useless.

This is why your mother hates you.

This is why you're a f a i l u r e.

This is why you failed t h e m.

Over and over, again and again, she couldn't silence the voices in her head. With a scream she threw her work across the room, watching it hit the wall with a THUD and explode across the ground.

Falling onto her bed, she curled under her covers, bottom lip trembling. With shaking hands she reached for the pocket knife under her pillow, opening it with a quick flick. Her breaths came in short pants, mouth curled in a plagued smile.

Some part of her thought she was pathetic, resorting to harming herself to cope. But it made the voices go away, it made them silent, and most importantly...she liked the pain. That small part of her screaming no was overruled each and every time.

Tremors of grief and excitement slithered up her spine as the glinting blade danced across the skin of her forearm. Blood blossomed like streaks of winsome spider lilies. Even though she barely felt it she started to cry once more.

Not because it hurt.

Not because of grief.

But because she felt guilty. Guilty for how much she needed it.

Outside her room the door to their house opened and slammed shut. With a jolt of panic she flicked the blade closed, once more stuffing it under her pillow and curling into a ball; asleep to anyone who dared open her door. Tears still streaked her face, quiet and unseen.

"You can't bring that in here, Mom." That was her brother's voice. Obviously trying to speak quietly it was little under a normal tone. For just a moment, laughter broke itself from her chest, salty tears catching under her tongue.

Her chuckles quickly died as the conversation continued. "It's alright Keisuke, Kiera isn't going to know about it. I'll keep it tucked away. It's for a special occasion at work."

Pain needled her chest at hearing their words. Glass bottles clinked against each other. The second she heard those cursed chimes, it felt as if she was being forced under water; drowning. Her breaths began to pick up, ears ringing, hands curled into tight fists.

I can't know about it....? That means... It's alcohol...

"That's not the point! We're supposed to set her up for success! We can't lead her down the wrong road again!" Kei was yelling now, clearly upset.

"That's why she won't know. I love her and I want what's best for her. This won't affect anything."

It was Chifuyu she heard next. "Baji, please don't yell, she'll hear you."

"Mom —"

"Goodnight, Kei." Footsteps down the hallway. Keisuke followed their mother and it was silent once again.

She laid there, still as death, waiting for any more sounds. It wasn't long before she heard a knock on the door. "Kiera? Hey, are you awake? You seemed pretty upset earlier, and you barely ate..."

That was all it took for her to begin to sob again. Placing a hand over her mouth, she tried to suffocate the sounds. All she'd wanted was to have a fun night with them, yet it was her that had gone and ruined it for everyone. What cursed fate.

No, not fate...just me. It was my own damn fault.

Pathetic.

Pathetic.

Pathetic.

"I hope you're having a good sleep, you need it," Chifuyu finally said with a sigh. "I'll be in the living room with Baji all night. In case you need something..."

The offer was tempting. So badly did she want to fling the door open and jump into his arms. Cry into his shoulder and have him tell her it would be okay. That she was worth it. But she didn't want to burden him with that, or have him lie, because she knew she wasn't. She would never be worth it.

She would protect him. Even if that meant protecting him from herself.

And so in her bed she stayed, fresh cuts gracing her arm with ruby red smears; tears staining her eyes a dull rose; homework laying thrown across the room. But the only thought racing her head as she fell into slumber was of all the possible places her mother could have hidden those bottles...

.

.

.

❦

"ℍ𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕔𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕤?
𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕀 𝕠𝕟𝕝𝕪 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣... 𝕤𝕖𝕖 𝕠𝕟𝕖?"

A/N: Another chapter of absolute trash for you guys :D my break up helped me write it :')

𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒐𝒐𝒎 𝒊𝒔.
"𝒍𝒂𝒛𝒚."
𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓.
"𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒔."
𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒑𝒕.
"𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔."
𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒆𝒔.
𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒕𝒆
𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆.
𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇.
𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒐𝒌.
𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅.

-Unknown