It's weird. Aphrodite doesn't look like much of anything. Percy always thought she was supposed to look like whatever your concept of beauty is.

And then Percy remembers that his concept of beauty is sort of personality-dependent, and while Aphrodite might have physical beauty down, she won't have much of an influence over Percy if he lacks a genuine connection with her, which—spoiler alert—he does.

Besides, the look on Annabeth's face is enough to tell him that this woman must be drop-dead gorgeous to her.

There's got to be other people like Percy out there, right? Surely not everyone thinks of everyone sexually without getting to know them first.

"Uh, hey," Annabeth says, at a loss for words.

"Oh, I'm just so excited!" she squeals. "Go back to what you were doing! Just pretend I'm not here!"

Annabeth looks at Percy, her eyebrows raised in surprise. Does this woman not realize the situation they are in right now?

"I'll give you the short version," Percy says. "Your idiot sons are about to sacrifice Nico's boyfriend so Eros can be a god again. We're stuck in here, and Himeros is stuck as a starfish."

She gasps again. "Are you telling me Himeros is the one who did this?"

"If by this, you mean marrying us," Annabeth mutters.

Aphrodite reaches for the Yeti water bottle, splashing water on Percy's lap. "Oh, my son! I knew you could do it!"

Thanks, Mom.

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful," Nico says, "but can you please save Will?"

She snaps her fingers and the bars on the cell disappear. "You know I love a dramatic rescue—a dangerous declaration of love!" she shouts.

Nico shrugs, summons his sword, and then runs to the altar. "Hey, assholes!"

Percy turns to Annabeth. "Stay here; I'm going to go help Nico."

"I can walk!" she shouts, trying to get up. Her ankle is purple now. She should not be walking.

She winces and sits back down. "You go ahead," she says. "I am right behind you. Just gonna... Uh..."

Aphrodite offers Annabeth her Starbucks drink, which no doubt contains nectar, the drink of the gods.

Annabeth takes a cautious sip and then narrows her eyes at Percy. "I said I'll catch up. Go save Will."

"Yes, wife, whom I love dearly," he quips. He takes Riptide's cap off the end and watches the pen grow into a sword. Figuring that his new favorite Margaritaville shirt from Will is already ruined beyond repair, he doesn't have any qualms against slicing the monsters in his path to the altar.

Nico is distracting Eros with a fight, drawing him away from Will, so Percy figures this to be a good opportunity to rescue Will.

The restraints are literally just ropes. Aren't there YouTube videos out there that teach you how to get out of these yourself? Percy figures now isn't the time to judge.

"Percy!" Will scolds. "Do you realize how much Margaritaville merch costs to ship? I know it's an atrocious shirt, but how could you just ruin it like that?"

"If I'm being honest, Will, this is the best thing anybody's ever given me," Percy says, slicing a rope off Will's wrist.

He gasps, and for a second, Percy fears he may have cut his hand. "You mean it?" Will asks. "You're not just saying that to be nice?"

"Uh, yeah, I do mean it."

"If I had my other arm, I would so be hugging you!"

Speed is of the essence here, so Percy may be saving Will's other arm for last just to put off that hug. Dying mid-hug with his ex-girlfriend turned wife's best friend is sort of a weird way to die.

"Hey so let's remember how happy you are with me right now, okay?" Percy asks.

"What did you do?" Will asks. "What. Did. You. Do?"

How do you tell an overprotective best friend that you married his bestie?

"So we just invoked Aphrodite, and if I'm being honest, she's kind of sitting back and watching this shitshow go down, but uh-"

"How did you do that?" Will asks.

"Well..."

"Percy Jackson I will find a way to confiscate your Hawaiian fashion if you do not tell me this instant!"

"Bold words for a guy strapped to an altar." Percy frees Will's legs and then says, "So I am now legally married to Annabeth."

"Percy! Be serious!"

"I am serious," he says, working the rope around Will's other wrist.

"You did that just to save me?" he asks.

Percy decides not to remind him that everyone else in this quest party's lives are on the line as well. "Yep."

Will rubs his red wrists when he's finally free. He looks up at Percy sternly, and he wonders if he should be making some effort to protect himself from Will Solace's wrath.

Will's eyes widen. "Duck!"

Percy takes cover behind the altar and a throwing knife clatters against the ground.

"Your aim is off, bestie!" Will calls.

Percy turns around only to find Annabeth, who is not taking it easy on her ankle. He can't believe he's so lucky to have to deal with this hot mess for the rest of his life.

"Pothos is getting away, you dumbasses!" she shouts.

"Go!" Nico shouts, giving Eros a firm kick to the no-no zone. "I'll hold this guy off!"

"Come on, Will!" Percy shouts. He yanks on the tablecloth but does not get the magician effect he's going for because Will tumbles off the table, planting his palms on the ground before he can land face-first on the ground.

Percy doesn't have the luxury of waiting for him and takes off running after Pothos. Outrunning a god is no easy feat, especially considering this place is bone dry. When you're a son of Poseidon, not having water is more than a little concerning.

"Percy! I'm coming!" Will shouts. The sound of his Adidas slides clapping against his heels echoes throughout the catacombs.

He glances behind him. Why do Will's arms flop like a t-rex's when he runs?

"He's running too fast!" Will whines.

"No shit, Solace!" Percy yells back. They're literally running after a god. Of course, it's going to be difficult. Why isn't Aphrodite intervening? She's literally standing there watching the whole thing unfold while slurping on a seemingly bottomless frappuccino. There is so much noise between the wind and the confusion, yet they can still hear how much she is enjoying her drink.

Pothos rounds a corner and runs toward a staircase.

"He's going for that staircase!" Will shouts between breaths.

"No shit, Solace!"

If Pothos makes it up the stairs, they'll never catch him, and Percy needs to catch Pothos. When he does, he is going to give that asshole a piece of his mind.

Pothos smirks, a look of victory slowly painting its way across his face as he reaches the staircase.

This is it. Pothos is going to get away, and he'll come back again to torment Percy and Annabeth because he has nothing better to do. He'll find a different way to unite the Erotes and send the world spiraling into romantic chaos. He'll find a different demigod to slaughter.

Thunk!

Pothos rubs his head and looks around for what just hit him. "What the hell?"

"Bingo!" Will yells, hobbing around past Percy and towards Pothos with only one shoe on. "Dogpile!" he shouts.

Will Solace throws his entire weight into tackling Pothos, a minor deity, to the ground.

When a blonde with an attitude problem tells you to do something, you do it, so Percy tosses Riptide to the side and throws himself on top of Pothos and Will.

He feels a weight on the small of his back. "Not too shabby, boys," Annabeth says, smacking Percy on the arm lightly with Will's thrown Adidas slide shoe. She sticks a finger in her mouth and whistles.

Aphrodite struts over to the pile of bodies and eyes them up like a stain on a t-shirt—one she doesn't care that much about anyway. "Pothos," she says, "do you have something you want to say to these cute demigods?"

"Mom! It's not what it looks like!" he screeches.

"Oh, really? Then please explain," she says.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Eros shouts while Nico drags him in by the ear.

"I've been wanting to do this for a long time," Nico says, throwing Eros against the ground in front of his mother's feet. "Oh, are we dogpiling? Count me in."

"Nico, my ankle!"

"Shit. Sorry."

"Nico!"

"Will, you're okay!"

Aphrodite clears her throat. "If you could all get off my son so I can properly handle this situation..."

Percy feels Nico's and Annabeth's weights lifted from him. His back cracks in four different places when he gets up. That never used to happen before. He should probably call a chiropractor when he gets back to New York.

"Everyone okay?" he asks, choosing to ignore the mildly concerning sounds his back just made.

"Better now," says Nico.

Will scratches his head. "Has anyone seen my other shoe?"

Percy helps Annabeth to her feet. "How about you?"

For once, she doesn't seem annoyed by the question. "Yeah," she says. "My ankle kind of hurts, but not much else is new. I think Himeros might be a little shaken though." She unscrews the lid of Percy's water bottle.

Himeros is entirely detached from the side; he's kind of just floating around in the water.

Percy, I don't feel so good.

"It's the freshwater," he says. "He's supposed to be in saltwater but he hasn't been for at least twenty-four hours. Aphrodite, you have to help him."

"I don't have to do anything," the goddess says.

If I had a mouth, I would be barfing.

"If you don't turn him back right now, he'll die," Percy says.

Annabeth speaks up at last. "Look, he might have been a complete asshole this entire time, but he's... he's important. There has to be a god of unrequited love. If everyone's love was returned, we'd all be living in this hippie-free-love world and there would be no such thing as soulmates!"

"Yeah," says Nico. "If everyone loved everyone back, then I would have never fallen for Will."

I can't hang on much longer, Himeros says.

"Fine, fine," Aphrodite says. "You do have a point; breakups are good entertainment."

That's not exactly what Percy and his friends were getting at—his breakup wasn't much fun—but it works. It's good enough to save Himeros.

"Everyone look away," Aphrodite warns. "He'll be in his true form."

Annabeth sets the Yeti water bottle in the middle of the floor and covers her eyes with her torn sleeve. Percy and the guys follow suit.

There's bright light; it's warm and he's tempted to look like that time there was a solar eclipse. That was an odd quest that involved a lot of staring at the sun.

Yet Percy resists the temptation to look at Himeros's true form until the light dims and Himeros says, "You can look now."

He uncovers his eyes, and in front of him stands a regular-looking dude. Himeros isn't youthful like Eros or overly sexual like Pothos. He's wearing a t-shirt that says VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS and a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee. His shaggy not-quite-blond-not-quite-brown hair is kept away from his face by a maroon exercise headband.

"Surprise," he says, giving jazz hands.

He has bags under his eyes and slightly unkept stubble beneath his nose. It almost reminds Percy of himself.

Himeros looks at his brothers. "Pothos. Eros."

Eros offers a shy wave from his place on the ground. "What's up, dawg?"

"For the last time, nobody understands your mortal language!" Pothos scolds. He turns to Himeros. "It's nice to see you again brother; now you can go back to ruining love the way you're so good at!"

Himeros looks at the ground and then at Percy and Annabeth. "I really am sorry for what happened. I hope you can forgive me someday."

Then Annabeth surges forward and wraps the god in a hug. "Thank you, Himeros. You saved us."

"Uh, you're welcome? I mean, it wasn't much... I didn't even have my powers, and-"

"And whose fault is that?" Aphrodite asks, eying her other two sons. She passes her frappuccino to Himeros and steps forward.

Pothos throws his hands up in surrender. "Mom, I swear, Himeros was with us; he wanted to help bring Eros back too!"

"Turning me into a fucking starfish was never part of the plan!" Himeros says.

Eros butts in. "Mom, I never deserved to be punished like this! Let me explain!" As he tries to stand up, he conveniently trips over Nico's outstretched ankle.

"Oops," the son of Hades says.

"I think the two of you need some time to reflect on your actions," Aphrodite says. "Don't worry; there's plenty of water where you'll be going."

She snaps her fingers, and Eros and Pothos shrink to the ground slowly, sprouting white feathers and orange... beaks?

"Oh my gods," Will says, lurching backward when one of the geese hisses and starts pecking at his feet.

"Geese are such fascinating creatures," Aphrodite says. "I personally find them adorable, but many find them foul, kind of like these two. I think these forms should teach them a lesson. I can't find it in me to trust them with opposable thumbs."

Will holds out his other Adidas slide, ready to smack the goose that was once Eros.

"Well, I suppose I should be going soon," says Aphrodite. She looks at Annabeth. "I do believe I've fulfilled my promise to make your love life interesting."

"So this is it?" Annabeth asks.

"Well, you could certainly find some legal grounding to annul the marriage, but I don't think either of you wants that."

"No," Annabeth says. "I mean... Are you just leaving us here?"

Aphrodite takes her frappucino back from Himeros. "Of course not, sillies! Your dogs are waiting just up those stairs. Goodbye!" She waves with one hand and holds her drink to her lips with the other, disappearing in a red puff of smoke.

"Well," says Himeros. "I could annul the marriage right here if you want; nobody has to know."

Percy looks at Annabeth. "What'll it be?" he asks, ready for whatever she has to say.

She sighs. "I have no job, no apartment, and no clue where I'm supposed to go from here, but I do have a husband, and I'll be damned if the universe tries to take that from me too."

"You mean it?" Percy asks. "You wanna be married to me?"

She scrunches her nose. "Let's think of it as roommates who may or may not be romantically involved, but from there..."

"From there?"

"We'll see where the Fates take us."

"Aww," says Will. "My bestie is married!"

Nico crosses his arms. "Don't be callin' each other hubby and wifey. That's nasty." He grabs Will's hand and leads him up the stairs.

"Do you need help?" Percy asks, noticing Annabeth's still-swollen ankle.

She shrugs. She's going to say no. He knows this.

"Maybe I could use a hand," she says.

Without a word, Percy laces his arm around her waist and reaches to pick her up under the knees. He carries her bridal style to the top of the stairs, only looking back for a second to see Himeros's face. He looks nostalgic, perhaps even proud. He should be proud. He just made Percy the happiest demigod on the planet.

"What's next?" he asks. "Like, I mean logistically? Do you want to move in with me and my mom for a little while, or should we start apartment hunting? Because I totally get it if you don't want to live with my mom."

"Percy-"

"We don't even have to live in New York! I could talk to my dad and figure out if I could do that water-traveling thing that Himeros was doing as a starfish. We could live in LA if that's what you want; I would just have to visit my mom on the weekends and-"

Annabeth shuts him up with a very welcome kiss. "Let's just take this little by little. You know what the Italians say."

Percy chuckles. "Poco a poco."