https://youtu.be/Pb2tG-Ijwtc

Disappear -  Beyoncé

Jungkook

Ulrich was in the back seat with me before we dropped him at the bus stop, and then Taehyung Hyung got down at the airport.

I stepped out, feeling a strong gush inside my stomach. I was getting nauseous with all the driving. Jimin wasn't a bad driver, but I still got motion sickness due to the high alcohol content in my bloodstream. 

I wanted to lie down. 

Taehyung Hyung looked at me, his eyes holding me captive. My heart rate sped up. I didn't know if it was because I was drunk or my discovery that he had a crush on me. "Let's meet in Korea." He said hopefully.

Instead of telling him that I wasn't planning on going back to Korea, at least not for the entirety of my vacation, I nodded. His hand raised and he pulled it down once. Twice. Then he high-fived Jimin Hyung, hugged him, and disappeared behind the big gates. 

I turned to Jimin and watched him as he sighed. "Let's go," he smiled a little.

I killed the urge to grab his palm as I walked back to the parking to our blue car. It was the same vehicle that Taehyung Hyung drove to the cantonment house for the party once. "Whose car is it?" I slurred my words a bit, finally getting on the co-passenger seat and sitting beside Jimin. 

"It's public property," Jimin laughed. I must have looked confused because he took one glance at me and started explaining. "Three of us chipped in and bought it." He stated somberly, taking the car out of the parking. 

The university was in the suburbs and the traffic on this side of the city was scarce. Only the people who needed to leave the city or the university students loomed on the road. Now that almost the entire university crowd was gone, the route was empty as we began our return to campus. He was silent for a beat before he asked me. "Do you want to listen to the radio?"

"No," I shook my head. "I am feeling a bit nauseous."

"Oh," his eyes widened, neck craning to look at me with big eyes. "I can stop." He slowed down immediately.

"No, no," I waved my hands. "I need to lie down in bed as soon as possible." 

It took us fifteen minutes to reach the dorms.

Jimin parked the car in the designated space and got out. I followed him out and tumbled, barely holding myself with the help of the door handle. Jimin rushed towards me, grabbing my arms to hold me up. "Can you walk?" He asked me, worried. 

I was tempted to shake my head, but I also knew I was heavy. I was built more muscular than him, so I decided it wouldn't be good for his ego if he couldn't lift me. Although, I doubted that. He was a gym rat and deadlifted quite a weight. "I don't think I can walk all the way to my dorm." I held my head, suddenly feeling the bile rising in my throat. I wanted to exaggerate my condition, but it turned out that the more I tried to fool myself, the more my body fooled me back. I was getting sick.

"Come on," he held my side and began to walk towards the nearer dorm. His own. If I knew better, I'd exactly know how loud his heart was beating. My own was no different as I followed him.

He closed the room after we entered and helped me onto the bed. "Lie down for some time. I'll go make coffee."

I nodded, my eyes closed as I felt the earth tilting under my feet.

He disappeared for what seemed like a few minutes. I could still hear the utensils in the kitchen. My eyes were closed, and I sniffed his pillow. His scent brought relief to my center. I began to drag the air in hungrily. My nausea started subsiding. My breath was heavy when he returned and I smelled coffee. "Get up, Jungkook," his voice called out soothingly.

I opened my eyes and he held me to stuff the pillows against the headboard. Once I settled, he picked the cup from the nightstand and held it before me while sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. "My head is spinning," I reached for his free hand and he closed his fist. I was almost sure he was going to jump back, but he let me hold his hand.

"It's okay, Jungkook. Sip coffee." He raised the cup to my mouth with his other hand. 

I didn't know what came over me. I burst out crying. I wanted Jimin so bad but the fact that he dated women all his life made me feel so small of myself. I had come to manipulate him, forced my entry into his room, and I was lying to get a crumb of his attention. It killed me as my despondency and guilt mixed inside me to form a new, confusing emotion. Why couldn't I be born as a woman?

"Hey, hey," he set the cup aside and reached forward, wiping my tears. I tried to hide my face, but he held my chin up. I couldn't look at him anymore, the mortification wasn't kind. "I should've stopped you from drinking all that much." He muttered. 

I shook my head, needing him to come a little closer and wrap his arms around me. Every day I went to sleep knowing that he was in love with someone else, and I died a little. Everyone thought of me as a cool guy who didn't care about studies much, flunked classes and was popular, but only I knew the predicaments I harbored, the pain I ensnared. It all came out of my eyes as I sat in front of him, so close, yet still distant. 

I didn't want him only physically. I wanted him in every way that mattered. And that thought brought me to my knees to finally realize that it wasn't just infatuation or attraction. I was in love with him. I might've thought of seducing him tonight, but as the contradictory emotions painted a wholesome picture of what I really wanted, I knew that it was never going to happen. How was it possible that I was consumed with him and only him?

He pulled away and wiped my eyes. I heard him mumble a "cute" before he smiled at me. "I am sorry." I sniffled, suddenly wanting to leave and cry myself to sleep alone. 

"It's okay," he held the cup in front of my mouth again and this time, made me sip. "Don't say sorry."

 Jimin

People had different drunken states. Some became chipper and brought the roof down. Some talked their hearts out. Some became more depressed, some became bolder, and some turned silent.

I was the last one. Every time I drank myself in my weight, I stopped talking and started thinking. On the other hand, Jungkook was a happy and bold drunk. I've seen him before at parties. But now, he was like me. He was thinking, and whatever kept him up at night was trying to break free.

People loathed drunken people because of their lack of best judgment, but I sympathized with them. Any drunk person is always at their most honest and vulnerable behavior. Most people often took advantage of that condition, but I wanted Jungkook to feel safe in every manner.

He silently drank his coffee and then lay down. I covered him and walked back to the kitchen to do the dishes quickly.

When I returned, he was staring at the ceiling. "Do you feel any better?" I asked.

"Nauseous," he mumbled. 

I walked to my electric air freshener and changed the refill to a lime one which was sure to help with nausea. "Can you please sit with me?" He asked. 

I sighed but conceded. Whenever Jungkook was near me, it was never a guarantee that he wouldn't throw a curveball at me, but I couldn't leave him alone, not when he was that drunk. As I settled on the bed, praying that he wouldn't do anything, he reached for my hand again and I let him hold it. He looked beyond unsteady as if something was eating him up from the inside. "When did you and Taehyung Hyung become friends?" He asked, his nervous and big eyes droopy.

"Our parents used to be work acquaintances. Taehyung visited my home over dinner when we were both nine," I began, recollecting that time when my mother was alive. If he was asking about Taehyung, it was a good thing. "She was an amicable person and always encouraged my father to bring his friends home for a meal. She loved hosting holidays. She loved cooking and Taehyung fell in love with her food. He studied in Switzerland before, so he had hardly eaten Korean food until then. His mother didn't know how to cook, so my mother started loving having him over more often. That's how it started. We were in the same grade, so we talked about our classes and other things about our different schools. We hung out together. Went on many road trips. By the time we graduated, we had become good friends. He wanted to become a doctor and I... Well," I exhaled a long breath. "I was on also the same path. We applied here and we both got in."

He was blinking as I was done speaking. "How about Hoseok Hyung?"

"He was Tae's neighbor and his friend since they were children. Even when Tae lived outside of Korea for quite some time, they stayed connected. I got to know him when I was in high school. Before coming here we had already traveled to many places together," I told him. "What about you? Where are your friends?"

"My father was always particular about my schooling. I was homeschooled initially because he didn't want the other kids' influence on me," Jungkook's answer shocked me into a stunned state. I could never have imagined that a social butterfly like him was made to study at home. "I only went to public school when I reached middle school. My father's childhood friend is Uncle Min Yuri. His son is older than me. His name is Yoongi. But Uncle Min's daughter, Suni, was a year younger than me.  She used to be my only friend. I never connected with other kids at a deeper level... They didn't let me in because I was someone new and appeared out of nowhere. They thought something was wrong with me when they got to know I was homeschooled. But I wanted to change that in my college. Ulrich is now my best friend ever." 

I let the information sink in. Just like me, Jungkook also might have some unresolved reproach toward his father, or I might be wrong. Who was I to judge anyway? "Well, I am glad that you finally found a friend."

"And you..." he tried to smile now. "Aren't you my friend, too?"

I was caught in a trance for a bit. I never thought of my relationship label with Jungkook before. And could anyone blame me for it? But Jungkook didn't flirt with me for a long time. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he was not interested in me anymore. Or maybe, he was interested in someone else. So, if I had to name our relationship now, I would say anything ranging from a junior, an acquaintance, or my best friend's love interest. But that wasn't the truth, no matter how much I hated it, we were more than that. 

"Of course," I said. It made sense to call him a friend. I occasionally reprimanded him because I wanted him out of trouble. I helped him because I wanted to make his life easier. I did worry about his well-being. Perhaps the connection we shared was by being born in the same place or him being the friend of my girlfriend's baby cousin, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't there. Of course, we were friends. 

"And Taehyung Hyung, too." He giggled now. 

"Yeah," I pulled my hand back, realizing that it was being held by him all this time. I moved it over my mouth and breathed out. "Him too."

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1 Jul, 2023