{5}

Binnie?

Are you online?

I want to ask you something...

binnie: Yes I am!

binnie: Go on I am listening.

Can I talk to you?

binni: But you are talking to me

Not like THAT

I mean on call

binnie: Woah that's sudden

binnie: But I am fine!

binnie: Are you free tho?

Yes! So should I...?

binnie: Sure!

binnie is typing...

...calling binnie...

...connecting...

[Hi Taehyun-ssi!]

Why is his voice just the way I had thought of it?

[Taehyun? You there?]

I cleared my throat and tried again. "H-hi Soobin." My own voice was foreign to me. I should work on my mental presence.

[Your voice is so soft~] He cooed, making me blush unknowingly.

"Yours is no better."

[I feel honoured. How have you been?]

"Good I guess."

There is a pause. [That doesn't sound that good to me...]

"I am fine, really."

Silence reigned as I stared at the wall ahead me. I wanted to open up to Soobin. He had been good to me till then and didn't really judge me over anything. I seriously want to tell him all.

[Okay. Listen. I know we've known each other only for a few days, which I regret because you are a nice human being. But, telling this from experience, containing emotions, at times, can be harmful for your mental health.] There was nothing but concern laced all over his voice. My conscience started to lean over towards telling him and letting it out.

[And, honestly, I really can't give anything but my words to you. I am pretty sure we live far away-]

"It happened a week before we first talked."

[I'm sorry?]

"It...happened a week ago. On the day we met," I started. "Earlier that day I was with my friends, Beomgyu and Kai. They were very close to me and we used to be totally transparent with each other. Some even said we were like brothers but...we had this one difference between us. A minute but important difference."

I took a long breath, before speaking again.

"Kai never thought of me as a brother."

[....What do you mean?]

"I...I was more than a friend to him. He liked me romantically I guess."

[Did you know that?]

"No. I wasn't even aware that it was possible. That a guy c-can like another guy. Not until that day. You see, my family, especially my dad is quite conservative so... I was never taught or told about these things..."

[So...what had happened?]

This was harder than I had thought. Words just refrained to come out of my mouth. "We were all playing games and chatting happily...until I found myself in the kitchen alone with Kai. Our faces- t-they were so close and my head w-was blank. I remember Beomgyu had asked for water and I went to fetch it w-when I found Kai right there. He was finding something in the fridge. And then I don't know what b-but we were both leaning in. We were so close Soobin I could feel his breath on my face and... I don't know, but at that very point, a realisation hit me. I was confused. Distressed. Mad...Lost.

I pushed him away and ran as fast as I could, as far away as my feet were able to go. I ran. I was crying and trying to understand myself. Why did I like it? Was I sick? No one ever told me it was possible to have feelings for anyone of the same-sex and... I was naive."

Tears had started to flow down my cheek and all I wanted to do was scream my lungs out. I felt stupid.

[Hey, Tae. There's nothing wrong. I am sure things will be sorted soon.] He tried.

"B-but it does not end here, Soobin...

Afterwards I fell asleep on a bench in the park. Not really having the strength to face my mom. Next morning, I woke up and walked back home and everything was back to normal. My mom greeted me with some concern but everything seemed fine. I locked myself in my room and spent hours searching for what was happening to me but next evening, right after talking to you, I received a message from Beomgyu that...Kai was sick."

[Sick?]

"Yeah...turned out he went out to search for me and apologise but... I was nowhere to be found and..." I gulped down the forming bile, my head hurting as the events of that day had started to play out in my mind.

"His fever just grew every passing hour. Kai's parents took him to the doctor...he was tested covid positive."

[What?!]

I felt small and quite aware that Soobin may not have talked to me anymore. "I know I am a fool and I shouldn't have run away like that. It's because of me he has been fighting with the virus for two weeks now. It should've been over but it isn't for him. It's all because of me."

[Taehyun-]

"I am a dummy, I know-"

[Tae, listen.]

I shut my mouth, my eyes wide. I did it. I told him everything.

[Tae, you did nothing wrong. You weren't prepared for this and it's okay. It's okay to take time to adjust to something new. And as for Kai, he is also at fault for not asking you prior about your feelings towards him. He took the direct path. Okay, maybe running away was a bit overreactive of you as well... But that doesn't mean you are to blame for his situation right now. It was just a common reflex of yours.]

Somehow, his words made me hate myself a little less. Maybe I was being too harsh on myself. Maybe it wasn't okay to run away, but maybe it wasn't wrong after.

There were thousands of doubts lingering but that all seemed so small now like they never existed. Weird how Soobin made me feel all of these things without even showing his face. What was he, an angel sent by the Gods themselves? "Thank you... "

[Now, now. Why would you thank me? Aren't we friends?]

Friends.

"You are too good to me. What did I do to deserve you?"

[Ah, Taehyun-ssi! You are embarrassing me.]

I chuckled through my tears. "I am merely stating a fact."

Are you online?

☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆