"Hey..."

I turned around. My hand tightened on the glass of wine on cue, couldn't help but feel even a little guilt for some odd reason. "Aren't you cold?" Soobin asked softly, gesturing to the sky that was barely visible amidst the cloud heavy with snow flakes that fell lightly on the railing of the balcony where I sat. "Not really, no." That was a lie. And maybe he knew because his eyes fell on the red liquid and then raised back to my face, catching his bottom lip between his teeth.

He wordlessly took a seat beside me with my gaze not lingering away even once. No matter what happened, Soobin managed to look like one of the most beautiful piece of art to have ever existed. His mere presence could make anyone's heart go a pace faster.

There were distant music playing somewhere along with the occasional laughing. Must be the adjacent house that practically glowed with the Christmas lights hanging upon it. They were enjoying their night, unlike us.

"So... can I have some of that?" He pointed to the half filled glass in my hand and I sighed, nodding. I poured some of it in a separate glass and handed it o him. "Here." I said as I watched him take the glass and take a long sip, making a surprised sound when he swallowed. "It's... good!" He smiled softly at me while holding the glass close to his chest as if protecting it from the freezing weather.

"Good." I replied simply before taking a sip myself. "My first time." He gave me a side glance. "You never drank before?"

"No...but I guess it's not half bad. I was expecting much worse." I was expecting red wine to taste awfully bitter, all too much to even take a drop past the throat. I was wrong. Or it was just the cold that did things to my brain. I may never know.

"I talked to Lia." He suddenly said.

"Which one? I know two of them."

"My cousin Lia." I chuckled half heartedly. Even that simple action was difficult for me. "So, what did ya'll talk about? Is she enjoying her Christmas?"

"Yes. She is with her Uni friends. They were playing party games and getting drunk. It sounded like she was suffering with this one friend named Ryujin. But at least she was having fun..." Both of us knew we were dodging questions at this point. We should be talking about much important things but none of us had the courage to initiate. The tension was heavy, almost painful. I wanted to know about a lot of things, but wasn't sure if he was ready or not. I didn't want to be forceful.

After a several sips, I felt a lot better. The cold seemed like nothing even though I was only in a thin trouser and a sweatshirt; no more, no less.

"I was...fifteen when my mom and dad separated." Soobin started and I stopped. This was important. "I don't even know why they married if they hated each other so much. That year was horrible. I loved both of them and seeing them fighting would break my heart. I would usually stay over at Lia's at nights because even aunt was aware of their situation. When they decided to part ways, I was happy for them. But that meant that one of them would no longer be able to see me. It was dad who lost my custody."

A pause followed. "But everything was still okay, considering mom who was happy and free. And then there was me. I wouldn't call myself fine because at that point my world felt meaningless. I started to hide things, got irritated easily and had little to no friends who would listen to me and tell me what went wrong. That was also when I discovered I was gay so that didn't make it easy. However friendly our school was, there were still instances which were just...weird. I was never allowed to be at the same locker room as other boys. Girls would try to befriend me like I was some kind of object that they would use to flaunt. It was weird. I started hating myself. It was all my fault that I was treated different." I wanted to hug him so bad. His eyes were closed as he took deep breaths.

"But then I passed out and started my college where I met the most amazing people. And most of all, I met Yeonjun. We were bestest of friends and everyone started to tease us to 'date already' so we were like 'why not'. It wasn't the best of our decisions. And definitely not when Yeonjun wasn't even out to us. It was much further when he came out as trans and told us his birth name. It was almost like my mom and dad. We used to fight and don't talk for days until I realised I liked him much more as a brother or a friend. He thought the same. So we broke up and continued on in our lives as friends like before. But I still had guilt that it might be my fault Yeonjun had to suffer through such a thing. It wasn't that bad but it was still there. So one night I just said 'fuck it' and drank like a maniac until I wasn't aware of anything I did. That's when I texted you, Taehyun."

His breathing slowed down. I looked at him, watching him relax bit by bit. His hair falling across his forehead like silk. And as always, every time, his eyes would drift up to mine. The way the moonlight reflected onto his brown orbs, casting shadows underneath his eyelids as he stared at me. "Thank you for being there." I was mesmerized by him and his voice and his everything. I couldn't imagine this went through so much and still sat here like it was nothing. I carefully kept the glass away and gently cupped his cheeks.

"Oh dear, I did nothing." I softly touched my forehead with his as he smiled once again. "It was you, your strength. I am so proud of you. But promise me one thing," I took a minute to compose myself to have the courage to say it out loud. "please never hurt yourself. I love you so much and everyone does as well... so don't ever think of yourself like that. You have no fault in any of it. And just tell me anything. I will always have your back, even when I am the one who is in wrong." We were silent for a while, just listening to our hearts which beated in sync. 

"I think you should go back to your house." Soobin whispered, fiddling with the ring on my thumb. I frowned just a little. "But why? Not as if dad would welcome me."

"No, he cares about you. And wants to protect you. That's why he acted like that." I was at a lost as I dumbfoundedly stared at him. He laughed. "I am serious."

"Yeah I know but... are you sure? He was really mad."

"Trust me, will ya?" I was still in doubt but nodded nonetheless.

Maybe he was right.

~~~

gyuwu

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gyuwu Merry Christmas to you too @dan_choi

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