Infertile a simple nine letters word, is easy to toss around at anybody. Isn't it?
But no one ever walked in their shoes to realise how it feels to be incapable of something and for which everyone around goes on criticising on that fact.

I was at my teenage when my parents were worried about me, I went to several doctors but nothing could have done. I accepted the fact that I was—no am— infertile and I have to lead my life with this incapability. But my parents were worried about my future, they thought who would accept me with this incapability but I ignored them and their thoughts that time.

As I grew up, I felt deprived. I couldn't bear to see any one around me being pregnant or taking care of their children. I was certainly the most emotional creature at that point of time. I felt so miserable at the thought that I could never have the feeling of my swollen belly, the kicks of the unborn child, the impatient waiting for the baby, the pain at the time of labour, the babies small hands, the way I should care the baby, or even the motherly affections that I should have. This was indeed not my fault but I know somehow that people in the society thinks it to be my fault.

My father died when I was 18, and my mother worked hard to pay my fees and certainly I was a burden to her, I felt that.

All the miseries haunted me till I cried my heart out every midnight in my pillows, silently.

Years passed like that, and I never seemed to be happy again, I did not opt for college as we couldn't afford one. My mother decided to get me married but she couldn't find anyone. And i, not wanted to being a burden on my mom, started nursing children at a public hospital.

I used to watch how the pregnant mothers came for check up and all, and once I saw two pregnant women in labour, they were yelling in pain, tears rolled down my eyes watching that, for once I thought that if I ever get a chance to be a mother inspite of me being infertile by some miracle, I would smile and laugh at the time of my labour.
But that made me cry harder. I couldn't bear the pain in my heart that swells everytime I think about my incapability.

I'm a woman, and every woman desires to be a mother someday. It's the best gift that nature gifted a woman. But not to me, nature took it back from me. Why? I could never find a answer to that. I always wished to become a good mother and a friend to my child before falling to my teenage but I'll never ever get a chance to do so.

At the Age of 21, a boy and his family came to our house in order to ask my hand for marriage. But when we told them about my incapability, they were shocked and rejected me on my face, they said if I am infertile, I should die because no one on earth will want me. They insulted both me and my mom. They left us and my mother couldn't bear the insulation. The other time, a rich man with his family came to our house whom my mom invited for my hand but that time my mom did not say about me being infertile and that was the worst part that ever happened to me.

Within the following year, I was married to the man named Darius, and all they were unknown of my infertility. I kept my mouth shut for my mom's sake. She couldn't bear any pain further.
But ultimately she died out of heartattack in the bathroom. My miseries were doubled and there I was living with a family whom I couldn't give a heir or a spare.

I fell in love with Darius and he seemed to be as well. He confessed his love when I was 25 years old and he tried for a baby for 2 years since our marriage but nothing came out. I knew but he didn't. He tried for another year and out of frustration got me checked by a doctor, and my biggest fear became my life. Darius got to know that I am infertile, he asked me that whether I knew this already or not and I confessed because he was the only man I loved in my entire life.

Darius didn't talk to me for one month and after that he send me to Ukraine without my permission for better health treatments and he hurted me more when he sent only Me. It broke my heart, the man I loved sent me to another side of the Continent alone. I lived there in Ukraine until two years till Darius' parents died in a car accident. He couldn't bear the grief of losing them and came there to take me back to home. I would have never left there if I only knew what happened later..

Darius brought divorce papers. He wanted to leave me forever? How could he? Wasn't he in love with me? I thought that if nobody but he would always stand by my side, in worst times too but he never seemed to keep his promise. He was someone whom I loved and was happy to get him but may be my fate couldn't tolerate my happiness. Darius gave a reason for divorce that I could not give him a child which was true, so I had to sign the papers because I had no options. I signed up and my world fell apart...I broke further. No parents, no love, no child, nothing. I was lost. Everything was lost. Wasn't it ?

"See and here I am, at the age of 40, on the bed of Fujiya Hospital,Japan, fighting between life and death where I'm by the side of death. In the last 12 years of my life I had to listen those unbearable statements which are not meant for me, I had to bear unavoidable circumstances which I shouldn't bear, and all along this journey till now, nobody but myself was by my side." I cried to nurse Yang "I was never a girl meant for this world and if I die today it will be—for—for good. I am an infertile wo–man who couldn't bear a child, cannot be a-a mother, and can never be a human whom the world w-wants. It is certainly very painful that being a woman, you can never be a mother but it becomes more painful when people around you rem-ind you that you are— 'I-N-F-E-R-T-I-L-E' "  I am sobbing but shouted at the last word when I realised the lack of oxygen. And I cannot hear anything except a shrill constant sound with same frequency but getting slow and sloww.....