Hate Crimes Against Cereal and Milk

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The feeling of regret intensifies the moment I feel my head bleed from the massive and cruel throb coming from my skull. I have my face planted on the cold surface of the kitchen island hoping that it will help ease up the pain and so far, it's working. Kind of.

"'I'm never touching alcohol again' you said. But here you are hungover again. And it's the second time this month." Vinny scolds me.

"Fuck you! Out here acting like you didn't have twenty shots of tequila last night." I retort, looking at him with a pout on my lips.

"Yes, but the difference between you and me is that I have a higher alcohol tolerance than you." He replies with a smug smile.

I click my tongue and roll my eyes. Sid strides over to the kitchen island and slides a bowl, a box of cereal and a carton of milk towards me. "That's all I could find." He tells me, taking a seat next to Vinny.

"How do you not have food here?" Vinny asks, arching an eyebrow.

"I hadn't had time to go out grocery shopping," I answer, pouring the milk into the bowl. "And I do have food. I have at least five cups of ramen to get me by this week."

"Oh, hell naw! I know your dumbass did not just pour milk first." Vinny exclaims.

"And what about it? It's not like it's expired or anything. Or is it, though?" I check the carton.

"Only serial killers pour the milk in first." Vinny points out.

"And sociopaths," Sid adds.

"Oh. So, I'm going to kill someone for no reason," I close the carton of milk and place it down on the table. "just because I poured the milk first."

"Obviously!" Vinny exclaims.

"Why do you even eat it like that?" Sid asks.

"So, the cereal doesn't get soggy fast," I answer.

Vinny's eye twitches as though he's a brain malfunction. "What?"

"Dude, that doesn't make sense. The cereal will get saturated and submerged the same way anyway." Sid points out.

"No! Not if you pour the milk first." I insist.

"You're stupid." Vinny sighs.

"You're stupid for making this a debate when it shouldn't be." I retaliate.

"Because you poured the freaking milk in first!"

"Wait. How will you know how much milk to put in the bowl if you're not going to put the cereal first?" Sid asks.

"It's either you drink the milk or pour some more cereal. Simple." I answer.

"Okay, but what if you're not as thirsty and hungry as you were before and you have a bowl of leftover milk just sitting there – " Vinny tries to argue.

"Oh! Do you want mama?" I mock him. "Or are you going to stop being a baby and finish?! Besides, I like my cereal crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal?"

"But that's the best part," Vinny says.

I give him a blank stare. "You're kidding me."

"No. I am not." He answers.

"Have you ever had soggy fruity pebbles?"

"Yes. And they're delicious."

"You're a demon."

"Soggy fruity pebbles are heavenly! Fight me!"

"That's disgusting and a hate crime to fruity pebbles!"

"You're disgusting and a hate crime to fruity pebbles!"

"You know what?" I grab the box of cereal. "Just for that, I'm going to pour this cereal into this milk and eat it in front of you out of spite."

Vinny lets out a dramatic gasp, clutching his chest. "You foul heathen. You wouldn't."

I pour the cereal into the bowl, take one big scoop and shove it into my mouth with no care that I have milk dripping from my lips.

Vinny lets outs a cry, putty his hand on his forehead and faints. "God is dead and we killed him!" he wails from the floor. "How can a supreme and divine being allow such cruelty?!"

"I don't even know what's going on anymore." Sid chuckles.

"Where is Feenyx when I need her? We would have tagged teamed on yo ass, you blasphemous fiend!" Vinny stands up.

Now that I think about it, the apartment feels oddly silent. I half expected Feenyx to storm into the kitchen of all the yelling going on.

As though my question has been answered, we hear the door open and footsteps coming straight to the kitchen. Lo and behold, Feenyx is standing at the entrance with her hair looking like an untamed bush and her makeup slightly ruined, holding her heels in one hand and the other holding the door frame to support her.

"The hell happened to you?" Vinny asks.

"I had a very long night." She answers breathlessly.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Well, I met a guy at the club last night – very cute by the way. Had a few drinks with him, danced for a bit, made out, went over to his place, and we had sex." She tells us. "And let me tell you, the experience was straight out of a porno flick, and I walked out of his apartment feeling like a porn star."

I twist my face into disgust. "Should have stopped at going over to his place. I did not need to know everything else after."

"Was he good though?" Vinny asks, earning incredulous looks from me and Sid. "What? Judging by the look of it, the sex has to have been amazing."

"Oh, it was amazing." She answers. "I mean I've had better sex but that was phenomenal. I lost count after about six rounds."

"Jesus!" Sid's eyebrows fly up.

"Talk about stamina," Vinny says. "That takes Beyoncé's chorus from Drunk in Love to a whole new level."

"It was the best di- "

"Not in front of my food, please!" I implore before Feenyx can finish her sentence.

"Jealous much."

"No! I just don't want to throw up listening and having mental images of whatever unholy and sinful activities you partook in last night!"

She rolls her eyes. "Fine. I'll go take a shower and freshen up. That way you can enjoy your food without me smelling like sex and cum."

I drop my spoon into my bowl. "And just like that, my appetite is gone. Thanks for that."

She blows me a kiss before leaving the kitchen.

"I like her," Vinny says with a grin.

"Of course, you do." I roll my eyes, walking over to the sink with my bowl.

"So, are we going to skip the part that she just walked in here like she lives here?" Sid says.

"She does." Vinny answers.

"Since when?"

"Since she moved here," I reply, opening the cupboard, and taking out Hera's bowl and dog food. "It's a long story and I don't want to get into it. Hera! Come over here, girl."

The brown-furred poodle trots into the kitchen and sits right before me. I kneel, place her bowl and pour her food in. "You must have been hungry, huh?" I coo at her, scratching behind her ear as she gobbles her food.

The subtle vibration from my pocket alerts me. I reach for my phone and switch it on only to see a notification from my WhatsApp messenger that I have two unread messages from a number that's not listed in my contacts. I furrow my eyebrows as I open it.

Unknown

Hey.

This is Jessica

Hey...

Am I supposed to know you?

We met Whitestone last night

We talked for a bit.

I would know if I talked to someone named Jessica last night🤨

You were drunk so... 🤷♀️

Fair enough

So how did you get my number?

Your red-haired friend gave it to me

God damnit, Feenyx. I inhale a sharp breath before standing up on my feet and taking a beeline straight to her room. I know on her door.

"Come in." she hollers.

I open the door, then slam it shut. I feel the blood rush to my head as my face flushes. "Why the hell would you tell to come in if you ain't got no clothes on?!" I wail exasperated and embarrassed.

"What? A lot of people have seen me naked back on Olympus." She retorts.

"Yes, the only problem is, here on Earth walking in on a woman naked is considered indecent assault!" I retort back.

"Dude, I'm naked – not dead."

"Just put something on, please?"

"Alright! You can come in now."

"Finally," I say opening the door again and then slamming it shut, throwing my fists in the air. "Damnit, Feenyx! Put some clothes on!"

"I'm literally wearing a bra and underwear – not lingerie and a thong."

"Woman! I do not need to be seeing you naked or your undergarments unless it's of my own volition!"

"Oh! So, you'd rather want to see me naked unless you're the one taking my clothes off."

"What? No!"

"I mean, I already got laid, but since you're offering..."

"Feenyx! You better put some God damn clothes on before something in me snaps!"

"Your self-control?"

"My sanity!"

She bursts out into fits of laughter while I pinch the bridge of my nose. This woman is going to be the reason why I'm going to end up in a straight jacket in a mental institution.

"Okay," she says, composing herself. "I'm done."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yes, I'm sure." She answers.

"You swear?"

"On Hera's name."

I slowly but reluctantly open the door and let out a sigh of relief when I see her in a black tank top and a pair of loose black basketball shorts as she dries her hair with a towel.

"What's up?" she asks.

"Can you explain to me why I have someone named Jessica texting me?" I ask, showing her the messages on my phone. "She says you gave her my number."

"Jessica, Jessica, Jessica." She cups her chin until her eyes lighten up in realisation. "Bartender girl! You two were talking over some drinks last night."

"Still doesn't answer why she's texting me." I point out.

"Well, you seemed comfortable talking to her, even though you were drunk for the most part." She explains. "Oh! Do you know that you're way more confident when you're drunk than you are when you're sober? Anyway, me being your cupid and wing lady, I was like 'Hey, if you're interested in my homeboy, here's his number so you can slide into his DMs'. I made sure to let her know that you're single and available. You're welcome."

I sigh. "Look, I appreciate the assist, but I'm not too keen on interacting with people I don't recall interacting with when I was drunk."

"Come on, Urie. This is good practice for future interactions with other gals." She says. "And it's a start too. You want to look for someone who genuinely wants to be with you, right?"

"Well, yes but – "

"Then give it a chance. You wouldn't know unless you don't try." She tells me. "Besides, you already replied to her texts, so there's no going back."

I sigh again and look down at the messages on my phone.

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