Been Here Before

°♡°

I ring the doorbell upon my arrival. 

I shove my hands into my pockets, nervously waiting outside the doorstep of her small semi-detached house. While I'm waiting, I take a look around my surroundings.

It's pretty quiet for a suburban neighbourhood. The streetlamps cast their yellow lights on the street, illuminating the ground and houses around. I see an old lady taking a stroll down the street opposite me with her German Shepherd. I also see a car drive by briefly.

The subtle clicks from the door alert me, indicating that the door is being unlocked. When the door finally opens, I see Toni standing at the other side, dressed in a white tank top with a pair of grey shorts and her hair tied into a ponytail with a few locks of her hair hanging loose around her temples. Her eyes are puffy, and her cheeks and lower eyelids are partially stained by her tears. Her expression, though stoic and numb, appears to be broken and sad. She opens the door wide and moves aside, silently telling me to come inside - and I do just that.

I familiarise myself with the interior of her house as I walk inside. Not much has changed since I last came here. She still has pictures of her parents and her life hanging on her grey walls. Her living room is the same as it was before - not too big but not too small. Her furniture is still arranged the same way it usually is - uniform and orderly.

Toni always liked the idea of having her own place and own space as opposed to living in an apartment complex - that's the many reasons she rarely came to my apartment and preferred having me come to her place instead. She says that she loves the idea of having control of her environment.

I turn around and meet her numb gaze. We stare at each other, waiting for one of us to say something to break the silence stirring in the room.

"So - " I say but I'm cut off when she saunters towards me, wrapping her arms around my torso and burying her face into my chest. I'm confused at first until I feel her body trembling followed by soft and subtle sobs emanating from her soon after. Though I am alarmed by this, I wrap my arms around her petite frame, allowing her to pour out whatever raw emotions she's feeling.

She mumbles something incoherent.

"What?" I ask looking down at her concerned.

"...left me." Is what I manage to hear.

"Who?" I pry.

"Stefan." Her sobs intensify and she starts pounding her fists against my chest before pulling away and running her fingers through her hair, letting out a frustrated shriek.

"He left? Just like that?" I ask mystified by this information.

She doesn't answer my question. Instead, she just hugs herself tighter, averting her eyes from mine. "Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough?"

My chest is set ablaze, my heart twisting painfully as I watch her intently, concern swirling in my eyes. So I pull her back into my embrace and tighten my grip around her, giving the assurance that I'm here and that I'm not going anywhere.

There are so many emotions swirling inside me at this moment. I'm angry - no furious - but I'm also not surprised. I'm sad and hurt for her but I'm also concerned about how she's going to move forward from this. I feel protective of her and determined to do what I can to make the pain go away but I'm unsure of how to do it or if I'll give her what she needs.

I'm brought out of my thoughts when I feel her wiggling around in my embrace, indicating that I should let her go. Though I'm reluctant, I comply and relent to her request.

I watch keenly as she wipes her tears, pulls herself together and takes long breaths in and out.

"Sorry," she sniffles. "I got your shirt all wet."

"It's fine. As long as it made you feel better." I say, smiling softly.

As the silence falls over us and hangs in the air, my smile slowly fades as sudden emotions start to swirl, rage and settle down on me - emotions that I'm all too familiar with. I place my hand on her left cheek and give it a light brush. She leans into my touch. I recognise that look in her eyes - her vulnerability, the loneliness, the desperation to fill that void and I find myself drowning deep in its depths.

I know what's going to happen next.

I know that she knows what's going to happen next.

I know I shouldn't even be here with her, walking into this trap. I should put a stop to this and be on my way because I've been here in this exact situation before - way too many times than I'd like to admit.

So why can't I leave?

Why do I find myself coming back to her despite knowing that she'll just toss me aside again and again and again?

Toni leans forward, but I pull away slightly; scared of what will happen. But when she moves in again, I don't move an inch. My heart is pounding hard against my chest and my breath hitches when she presses her lips against mine. It's a light brush but it's enough to make the butterflies in my stomach erupt like a volcano and awaken the lust that lies dormant inside me.

She brushes her lips again and again and again and again until I feel my eyes close, succumbing to her spell and the taste of her sweet lips. I press my lips harder against hers and pull her body closer to mine as the kiss deepens.

I'm kissing her hungrily and so does she. Our heads switched positions after every five seconds, our lips smacking against each other, our tongues intertwining and fighting for dominance, our hands roaming each other's bodies until we discard our shirts. I move my hand down her thighs and lift her in one swift motion and wrap her legs around my waist. She gasps breathlessly as I move toward the direction of her bedroom where we strip each other naked.

She gasps softly as I lay her down on her soft mattress. I climb on top of her and move between her legs. Her hands roam my naked chest down to my abdomen.

I lean down to her neck and start kissing and nibbling the skin underneath. I listen to her soft breaths and whimpers and feel her fingers brush against my skin making me shiver with pleasure. I roll over on my back and allow her to straddle me. I can't see her face clearly due to the dim lighting in her room, but I can see the lust burning in her eyes like wildfire.

She leans down and pecks my lips once, twice, thrice - I start to lose count. I stutter a sharp breath followed by moans when I feel her lips and tongue on my neck, then my chest and all the way down my body.

I gasp and arch my back a little as she slides her tight core down my length until she takes me completely. "Ah fuck." I stutter our trying to get used to the tightness.

She starts to move slowly, rocking her lips against mine. I gaze up at her, eyes lidded with lust and desire, face twisted, and mouth opened with pleasure. She arches her head along with her back into a curve, filling the room with her loud and vocal moans and heavy breaths. I sit up, take her into my arms and start bucking my hips to meet her gentle and mind-blowing strokes with my own.

Our lips lock again, more desperate and hungrier than before, our thrust now becoming faster and needier and hitching her moans an octave higher. Her nails dig deep into my skin. Our bodies already glistening in sweat. I hold her tightly in my embrace, caressing her back and feeling her erect nipples against my chest. I break the kiss and bury my face in her shoulder as I feel myself reaching my high.

Then our bodies tense and tremble when we climax together then relax moments later. We pant as though we just finished a cross-country marathon. I remove my face from her shoulder and stare at her, brushing the hair that is stuck on her forehead as I drink in her glistening appearance.

I lean in and kiss her with as much passion as I can muster despite how exhausted and worn out I am.

♡

We're both lying on our sides. Toni has her head pressed against my chest as I hold her in my arms drawing circles on her back.

I slept with Toni.

The thought keeps reiterating inside my head every minute that passes by as I lie in bed under the sheets with her. It's almost unbelievable honestly, being here with her again. But then again, I'm not all that surprised.

Was it the smart thing to do?

No.

Do I feel ashamed for falling into this trap?

Yes.

But do I regret it?

I don't know honestly.

She hasn't said a thing for the past hour after our little session finished. Her silence worries me. I wish I knew what's on her mind. I wish she could express to me what it is she's feeling with her words and not just through sex. I want to help her but she's not letting me in.

"Toni?" I break the silence.

"Hmm?" she responds.

"Are you okay?"

My question causes her to pause briefly. "I don't know. "

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugs. "I don't know if I want to."

I sigh pulling her away from my chest so I can look at her. Even in the dim light, I can see her eyes. I search them for any indication of her emotions - anything that can pinpoint what she's feeling, but there's nothing. Her eyes are too guarded, and her walls are built way too high and too strong for me to break.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" I remind her.

"I know," she replies. "but it hurts to talk about it just as much as it hurts thinking about it."

Then why am I even here? I sigh, pulling her back to my chest.

"Urie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming here for me."

I'm silent for a brief moment, taking in her words.

"No problem."

Don't forget to vote and comment ♡