Walmart Flame Princess

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"Ey, ey, ey! Shut the fuck up both of y'all! Damn!" The woman yells over our screaming. "Y'all sound like Medusa when she got turned into a Gorgon by Athena after she walked in on her and Poseidon getting busy in her temple."

I must be seeing things. There is no way what I'm seeing is real.

The woman's sun-kissed skin is now glowing as bright as the sun itself, her hair taking the form of literal flames and her eyes are a glowing fiery amber.

"Vinny, are you seeing this?" I ask, my eyes still glued on whatever being that woman is.

"Nope. I'm definitely looking at a Walmart version of Flame Princess off of Adventure Time." He confirms, just as speechless as I am.

Well, fuck me all the way to the Alps.

My head is pounding and spinning simultaneously. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still hungover or because my brain is still trying to register and process the shock at the fact that I have a literal living DnD character in my apartment.

I'm never touching alcohol. Never again.

"Now that y'all have seen my real form can we - "

"Stay back, hellspawn," I say, hiding behind Vinny and grabbing my spray bottle from the table. "This bottle has holy water and I ain't afraid to use it."

"First off, that ain't holy water. Even if it was, that stuff ain't gonna do shit to me because I'm a fire nymph from the Underworld, not a demonic entity from Hell." She rolls her eyes.

"Aren't they the same thing?" Vinny asks.

"No, they aren't." She puts a strong emphasis on her response, narrowing her eyes. "Secondly, if you dare get me wet, I will personally introduce you to Tartarus and make sure your relationship with him is very intimate." She says as her whole body gets brighter to emphasise not to test her ire.

I raise my hands and drop the bottle in compliance.

"Also tell your mangy mutt to shut up. It's been yapping for the past fifteen minutes."

"Hey, don't you dare call Hera a mangy mutt?" I retaliate defensively.

"HERA?!" She shrieks, changing back into her human form and bows before Hera, who's been standing right at our feet the whole time. "Your Majesty."

Vinny and I exchange confused gazes before turning back to her.

"If you're here because Thetis told you that I've been sleeping with Zeus, it was all a joke to get her off my ass. I haven't been anywhere near him since - "

"What are you doing?" I interrupt her rumbling, staring at her unamused.

"Making sure I don't get thrown into Tartarus by the Queen of Olympus for sleeping with her whore of a husband, obviously."

"My dog is not actually Hera. She's named after her." I tell her.

"Oh..." she says, quickly getting up to her feet, embarrassed. "Let's forget that happened."

I roll my eyes and move from behind Vinny and stand next to him. "You still didn't tell us your name and what you're here for?" I say, crossing my arms.

"Is he always this rude?" she asks Vinny.

"On a bad day, yes. But overall, he's pretty a chill guy once you get to know him." He answers.

"Ahem." I clear my throat, telling them not to change the topic.

She rolls her eyes and smiles. "Salutations, mortals. My name is Feenyx - spelt F double E-N-Y-X. I work for Cupid Corp as Secretary to the Love and Sex God himself." She introduces herself. "And that statue you found recorded your wish and sent it directly to Eros's office. Unfortunately, he's not available to be Cupid."

"Cupid? Isn't that his Roman name?" I ask confused.

"Yes and no. You see, he treats his names like his alter egos. If he's out spreading love, and lust, breaking hearts and generally messing around with mortals' love affairs when he's bored, he's Eros. But when he wants to play matchmaker and a relationship's advisor, he's Cupid." she explains. "Trust me, I was just as confused when he explained this to me when I first started working for him."

"So, two jobs at once." Vinny purses his lips impressed. "Neat."

"Well, where is he?" I ask.

"On a six-month vacation with his wife. And during his leave of absence, he decided to leave his company in the hands of his secretary - me!" She says.

"Why couldn't he leave it to Aphrodite?" I ask.

"Because that hussy hates work, that's what. She was the sole founder of the company before she passed- it down to her son. Says that working will deplete her beauty." She rolls her eyes. "But leave your secretary who knows absolutely nothing about love in charge while you go on vacay with your wife. Well, at least I won't have to deal with any more collateral from all the relationship and cheating drama. The teenage heartbreaks and celebrities cheating, and breakup drama is the worst ones."

"Wait? Every cheating and breakup drama?" Vinny asks, already curious.

"Every single one of them."

"Even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?"

"Yep."

"Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?"

"Mhm."

"Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus?"

"Uh-huh."

"Rihanna and Chris Brown."

"Absolutely."

"All of Taylor Swift's relationships"

"He's a fan of her music."

"Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith."

"He was unapologetic about that whole mess. Even the Entanglement."

"Beyoncé and Jay Z."

"Nah, that was Aphrodite's doing. She got so insecure and jealous of Beyoncé that she disguised herself as a human and seduced Jay Z into cheating on her because she's that petty." Feenyx explains.

"Whoa..." Vinny and I exclaim breathlessly mind blown.

"Wait, I thought you said the Olympian Gods stopped intervening with the Mortal Realm.," I say.

"They have - well most of them. Lady Demeter still lives in the mortal realm and Lady Persephone still comes down here during Spring. Hermes still runs around collecting souls for Thanatos. My boss comes down here spreading love and lust. Then there's Zeus who wants to stick his dick in anything that breathes." She explains, rolling her eyes at the last part. "The rest of the gods and goddesses only ever intervene if they want to start drama for their own personal entertainment because your clownery never ceases to stop. 

"Like how Ares invested his time in every war known in human history especially the Cold War - with the help of Eris. Meanwhile, many of us nymphs who work for most of them have to take care of the damage they cause, and they don't even pay us enough for this shit."

"I like you already," Vinny comments with a grin.

"I know." She flips her hair. "Now that the introductions are done and over with, let's get down to business, shall we?"

"Huh?" I blink confusedly.

She rolls her eyes. "You wished for someone who genuinely wants to be with you. What's the reason?"

I'm confused at first until it finally dawns on me what she's talking about. "It's nothing - "

"Oh no, you crying over Toni being engaged is definitely something and he definitely needs your help." Vinny cuts in.

I shoot him a confused look. "No, I don't."

"Excuse us." He says pushing me towards my room.

"Vinny, what the fuck?!" I say after he closes the door.

"I think you should give it a try. She might help."

"And pray tell how? She already admitted that she's not qualified to even be a love expert or whatever." I point out.

"I'm also not qualified to be a love expert since I've never been in a romantic entanglement. Sid's never been in a relationship so that's out of the question."

"Well, at least Sid is serious about commitment. You on the other hand are too busy hooking up with random women to even think of settling for a serious relationship."

"All good points, but the point is neither Sid nor I have to be or have been in a relationship to be able to know that you're being an idiot and a simp chasing after Toni." He tells me. "Besides, hearing another person's opinion other than mine has its benefits and you won't know if you try."

"You're asking me to seek advice from a complete stranger, who by the way is a Walmart version of Flame Princess."

"That's rude."

"Your words - not mine!"

"I still think it's good to ask a stranger. Strangers don't sugarcoat the truth."

"Much like yourself?" I raise an eyebrow.

Vinny chuckles. "Sweetheart, I go easy on you because you're my friend and you're like a brother and I love you." He places his hands on my shoulders. "You would have dropped me faster than Busta Rhymes drops bars in a rap battle against Eminem."

I roll my eyes. "I'm still not taking that chance. I don't even know her."

"Hey, if you want to cry about it and sing 'Fake Love' by BTS at the top of your lungs again, be my guest." He raises his hands.

"That was one time!" I wail embarrassed.

"And I have proof in the form of a video and Sid as my witness. So, it's either you mope around like a lovesick puppy, and I record it for future reference, or you stop being a wimp and take the literally hot chick's offer. Take your pick."

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