'run into my heart so carelessly that's the reason i'm afraid you're thoughts that can't be contained.' - dream, ivory

the pounding in my head woke me up and i find myself still in the tub soaked in water and gin. sadly my plan didn't work and i remember last night clearer than day. i groan and rip off my clothes and turn the water back on submerging myself in the hot water. it feels nice rolling down my back. i scrub off all the gin and drag myself out. i close my eyes to push the nausea away as i get dressed. i step into my shoes and grab a piece of bread from the fridge as i close the front door behind me. 

i make it my first priority to go find maggie but i'm stopped as soon as i step off my porch. "isa." carl says walking with me as i try to ignore him. i don't really know why i'm mad at him it should be only erik i'm mad with. "i'm busy, carl." i say and he stops in the middle of the street and then turns back to his house. i scan the roads around me and i spot maggie and rick on top of the guard tower. i pass by the man who had joined us the night reg died, his name is morgan. he had saved rick right when the outbreak started and had reconnected a few years ago. 

i climb the ladder and they both turn to face me. "any sign?" i ask and maggie shakes her head. "you don't have to be up here so much." rick says. "i won't be. this is the direction he'd come in. if he sends up a signal it would be from here. or it won't be." maggie answers looking off into the woods. "when we go out there, it's never easy, it's never simple. it's always a fight. but we've come back from harder things. from further away. glenn, daryl, joel, abraham, and sasha will too." rick explains. "maybe we don't wait for them to get back. we should start figuring out how to lead these walkers away. we have some food and water that will last us a while. we can take our time, and make a good plan. clear it so they can just walk right in." rick adds.

"i saw judith in the house the other day. she's starting to look like lori." maggie says and i look up at them. "made me happy." she adds. "me, too." rick says exchanging smiles with maggie before climbing down the ladder. "carl kissed me." i blurt out sticking my hands in my pockets. "what?" maggie asks looking at me. "he kissed me. for like, a good minute." i explain and she laughs. "what's funny?" i ask her completely unamused. "nothin' it's just i didn't expect it to happen so soon." she laughs. "what do you mean?" i ask her. "glenn and i had a bet going. he wins." she says dropping her smile. "yeah, well." i say kicking my feet around. "what are you gonna do?" she asks. "i dunno. i flipped and ran out on him last night and completely blew him off this morning. before joel and i got here we went through hell. i'm sensitive with that stuff, you know? plus i don't wanna lose anyone else and feel the way i felt when i thought joel was dead." i say.

"i'm afraid that's gonna happen. people die every day, even more after the outbreak. that's just life." she says and i bite my cheek. "you can't spend all your time pushing people away 'cause you're scared of losing them." she adds and i nod. "yeah, i know." i reply and she smiles at me so i smile back. "go make it right. i'll be up here." she sighs. i climb down the ladder once again passing morgan who is practicing with his stick. it's an odd choice of weapon but he kicks ass with it. the streets are bare and the wind is a little chillier than normal. i stick my hands in my pockets and walk up to the grimes' house with full confidence till rick opens the door.

"isa, hey. carl's up in his room. we have a gun lesson with ron if you wanna come." rick says shutting the door behind me. "sure." i say jogging up the stairs. i hesitantly knock on his door. "you decent?" i ask with all my confidence left at the doorstep. "what?" he asks bluntly, packing a duffel bag full of guns. "i wanted to say i'm sorry." i say awkwardly, "sorry for what, isa? sorry for running off on me, or sorry for being a dick this morning, or maybe sorry that you felt the need to down 2 bottles of gin in the tub after i kissed you?" he asks turning around. i wonder how he knows about that. "you pretty much summed it up." i mumble leaving out the part where it was only 1 bottle, i think. "you know, isa, this carefree attitude isn't a good trait to have. other people have feelings too. i've seen you like this with joel too, you act as if you don't give a shit." he argues. "i do give a shit. why do you think i'm here?" i argue back. 

"i don't know." he sighs swinging the bag over his shoulder. before he can leave i grab his arm and he stops and faces me. i sigh and get on my tippy toes just so i'm level with him. i feel him place his hand on my waist and i look at his tensed-up face. his cheeks are pink along with a small sunburn on his nose. his freckles are almost like they were painted on and his eyes shimmer in the light. i close my eyes and feel his lips touch mine. his hand travels up my waist to my cheek and then he pulls away. "i'm sorry for all of it." i manage to blurt out. 

"i'm going to be late." he says picking up the bag again after he dropped it on the floor. i follow him down the steps and see rick packing up his bag of ammo. "ready?" he asks and we follow him outside to the anderson's house. rick knocks on the door and jessie answers. her face goes pink and she turns to the steps. "ron!" she shouts as ron hops down the steps. he says nothing to his mother as we walk down the sidewalk to the side of his house. rick pulls out a handgun and checks to make sure it's empty. he places his fingers properly around the gun and shows ron. "thumb safety. it's important. you can break your fingers and sometimes your arms depending on the kickback of the gun." rick explains.

"that stuff's easy, right, dad?" carl says leaning against a table i'm sitting on. he says it in almost a taunting way and i realize the tension between the two boys. ron looks over and shoots carl a look. "yeah. empty magazine. empty chamber. see it?" rick asks showing ron the chamber of the gun. "yeah." ron mutters. "someone's in front of you, they have a gun." rick says. "you're gonna be scared. you will be." carl adds. "your body's gonna tense, you won't have time to think. you're just gonna wanna pull the trigger when you get it in front of you. but you'll miss and you'll be dead. you have to get it up to your eye." rick explains showing the difference to ron.

"you have to be patient enough to wait for the moment." carl says. "can i uh-" ron says referring to the gun. rick hands it to him, unloaded of course, and ron walks up and holds it up level to his eye. he rolls his shoulders and holds the gun up level to his eye with his finger on the trigger. "hey, your finger doesn't touch the trigger till you're ready to shoot." rick says moving his finger off the trigger. he squints and lowers his finger to wrap around the trigger. he pulls it back and the gun clicks. "keep that one with you. get a feel of what it's like to carry one around." rick says picking up another one of his guns and examining it. "can i shoot it? maybe like down at the walkers?" ron asks. "no, not with things how they are. the walls are strong but we're lucky the walkers are spread out. shooting at them will group them up." rick explains.

"well what about like target practice in the center of town?" ron asks. "how do you expect we get there?" i say with a hint of bitchiness. rick just looks at him. "but, uh- we probably don't want to waste bullets right now, huh? i just wanna learn more." ron adds. "you will." carl says and ron gives another dirty look. rick packs up his bag and ron sticks his empty gun in his belt. "thanks for this." ron says. "any time." rick replies. ron walks off back to his house and i turn to carl. "what was that about?" i ask him quietly. "nothing." he replies shortly. i am even more invested since he won't tell. "i have wall duty. you two find something to do. watch yourselves around the walls." rick says before walking off to the wall to switch with maggie. 

"are you ready for this?" carl asks staring up at the sky. "ready for what?" i ask confused. "for me and you. i don't want to push you into this. you clearly wanted nothing to do with me after i kissed you the other night. i want to make sure you are on the same page." he explains. "carl, you were the first person to make me feel welcome here and i'm sorry for what i did that night you didn't deserve it. the days leading up to when we got here were just shit. since joel was out of it i had to step up, you know, so i went out hunting and got kidnapped." i explain and he looks at me funny. 

"i know it sounds stupid, okay, but things happened to me that no one should have to go through and i was just scared. i should have told you. i don't want it to seem like i'm making an excuse but i just felt like telling you the truth was best, you know?" i ramble. he looks at me with sad eyes. "it's not a big deal anymore. it's over and done with. he's dead. i killed him." i say and he still doesn't change his facial expression. "you don't need to be like that. i'm over it." i say feeling my throat burn a bit. "i'm so sorry, isa. i didn't know. i feel like an ass for getting mad at you. after you left i went to check on you and i found you upstairs, i thought it was about me." he says standing up and facing me. 

"how could you have known?" i ask standing up and hugging him to try to hide my sad eyes. the truth is i'm not over what happened. i don't think i ever will be. erik took something from me that day and my whole view changed. as i was over top of him, slamming that knife down, something felt right. the blood coated my skin and i told myself it was self-defense. he was the first person i ever killed and he will haunt me till the day i die. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

hours pass and carl and i had spent time together just watching the clouds with judith. she's a strange baby, she doesn't cry much. when zeph was a baby all he did was cry. "that one looks like a dog." i say pointing to the clouds in front of us and judith point her chubby fingers up to the sky too. i watch her look at the sky and then back at carl as she babbles. their bond is so special and i'm relieved she has someone like him to protect her from this world. it's filled with so much pain now. off in the distance i watch rosita attempt to teach a group of alexandrian's self-defense. eugene and her are fighting and her shouting draws my attention to their argument more.

like always, he babies up and walks off leaving rosita too upset to finish teaching. the alexandrian's take their weapons home and i watch rosita walk off into her house. i should check on her later. after abraham left her she's been getting more irritated quicker. i turn my attention back to carl and judith. she's laughing at the birds flying in the sky and carl laughs along with her. i smile till more shouting captures more attention. i stand up thinking rosita and eugene are back at it but i see tara, rick, and deanna standing on the wall shouting down. something in me jumps and i leap from my chair hoping it's joel coming home. "i'll be back!" i shout to carl as i rush down the street.

"hey, spencer, get back here!" rick yells as i climb the wall and see spencer shimming across a rope stretched across the pool of infected. "spencer, get back here." rick says again. i notice the grappling hook holding him up starts to wiggle. "spencer! spencer, move!" i shout watching it give way and he hangs above the herd like a pinata. "go! keep moving!" rick yells as spencer struggles to lift his feet away from the dead. the wire breaks and spencer falls down into the herd crashing into a few infected. "spencer, come on!" rick yells throwing down the end of the wire. tara shoot some infected and two other gunshots go off from the other posts, i assume maggie and someone else. 

spencer grabs the wire and starts to climb up. he jumps over and pants as i pull up the rest of the rope. "tara you almost died once for these people!" rick yells over to tara who is being pulled back up by michonne. she flips him off and i laugh a little. "lost a damn shoe. crap." spencer sighs. "what was that?" rick asks angrily. "i was trying to help. i wanted to get to a car, draw them away." spencer explains. "you ever make a climb like that before?" rick asks and spencer just looks at him like a kid in trouble. "you want to help? don't make us come running to save you. you got an idea, you come to me." rick exclaims. "would you have listened to me?" spencer asks squinting. "go home." rick says and spencer gets up and climbs down the wall walking off. i follow behind him walking back to carl's but he meets me halfway. 

"where's jude?" i ask. "carol took her to jessie's. she agreed to watch her for a bit." he explains as we walk shoulder to shoulder. i feel his hand brush against mine a few times so discreetly i hold his. his hand fits perfectly in mine, like a solved puzzle. we walk down the sidewalk and the wind blows causing the trees to make noise. faint groans of the dead ring through the leaves. "next week i was thinking i could teach you to swim." carl says and i laugh. "really? where at? the community pool?" i say. "yeah, the pond will do just fine." he laughs as we pass by the brown water containing snakes, frogs, and who knows what else. "yeah, hard pass." i say. "oh come on, can't be that bad. daryl likes it." he adds. "daryl also eats worms." i laugh. 

"extra protein." carl says with a smile. "oh, gross!" i exclaim catching a glimpse of ron walking behind us looking very suspicious. "what's your beef with ron?" i ask and he sighs. "the whole dead dad thing. i think he liked you too and was mad i got to you first." he jokes, playfully elbowing my arm. "funny. but really, he watches you like a hawk, it's weird." i add. "yeah, but he's harmless. what's he gonna do, shoot me? he has no bullets in that little thing my dad gave him." he says. "yeah, i don't know. just watch your back." i say. i watch maggie quickly stand up from her chair and look off east of alexandria i follow her eyes and see a bunch of green balloons flying in the sky. "it's them." i say running down the street to get a better view. rick and deanna are also looking at the balloons as maggie jumps off and runs over to us.

"that's glenn. that's glenn." she pants. rick nods and i sigh hoping joel is not far behind glenn. a sound of wood cracking gets all of our attention and we watch a part of the abandoned building outside of the community fall down talking the wall with it. "everyone move!" rick shouts and carl grabs my hand as we run. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

i turn 17 on friday🤭

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