'cause you know we're the same, there's worse things i can take.' - baeboodoobee

my back aches as i sit up in the back of the truck. carl and i have been out on the road for a couple of days now. these past few days have been the best in a long time. the truck doors are open and i smell a burning fire. i climb out and see carl crouched over twirling a fish on a stick over the fire. "hungry? can you guess what for breakfast?" he asks sitting down on the grass. i sit in front of him and sigh. "the same thing we've eaten for the past week?" i ask acting clueless. he smiles a bit and looks at the fish. "yeah, i'm sick of it too. i could go for a bean burrito right now." he says. "i want pizza." i add with a slight groan. "good choice." he says giving the fish a twist. 

"i was looking on the map and there is a house a bit up the road we can look through." he says carefully taking the fish off the stick and setting it on a paper plate. "eat up." he says disgusted at the sight of the fish. he cuts it in half and gives me a plate. "exciting." i answer sarcastically picking at it. "thanks for keeping watch last night." i say. "it's nothing. i like it." he answers.  "you can keep watch tonight." he chuckles taking a bite of the fish and then spitting it out onto the grass. "we gonna win today?" i ask. "oh, yeah." he answers taking a sip of water to wash out the taste. "we're gonna need batteries for that walkie, too. get it working again." he says and i sit in silence dreading my bite of fish.

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carl stands with his gun raised as i hold mine tight. on the quiet count of three, he throws open the door as i walk in the house looking around for any movement. he comes in behind me looking through the house. "it's clear." i say out of breath. it's been getting worse lately, i can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. if i'm not peeing, i'm eating, and if i'm not eating, i'm sleeping. it's boring. i walk into what's left of the kitchen hoping to find something in this decaying house. the roof tiles have fallen in and crowded the table. i carefully open the cabinet and jump at the rat running out. i sigh and shake my head as i am faced with an empty cabinet. 

"find anything?" carl asks walking down the stairs into the kitchen. "just a rat." i answer discouraged. "at least no more fish?" carl says jokingly. "that's gross, no way." i answer looking down at his hands. "found this up there." he says holding up a small pink blanket with an elephant on the corner of it. i look at the blanket he holds in his hands with the brightest smile on his face. "it's the first thing we found for the baby. i figured it wasn't too worn or gross." he adds. he looks up at me and hands me the blanket. it's soft, like a teddy bear. the corners are a bit worn with loose strings and some dirt resides on the surface of the blanket but otherwise, it's in good condition.

"it's great, carl." i say stuffing it in my bag. a part of me wants to love it, i want to love this kid but all i can think about are the what-ifs. i know how happy carl is so i can't tell him how i feel. how do i tell the father of my child i don't want it? "i found this too." he says handing me a dirty med kit. "perfect." i say stuffing that in my bag as well, ignoring the blanket. i follow behind him as we walk back to the truck. we drive up the road a bit before a building passes by. "hey, what about there?" i ask as he hits the breaks. "worth a try." he answers driving off the road towards the building. we get out holding our guns and carl walks up to a garage door pressing his ear against it. 

"walkers." he says quietly. he nods and i nod back then he opens up the door revealing five or six walkers. i grab my knife and stick some in the head dropping them to the ground. i pant as the last body drops. carl flings the blood off his knife as he opens up a locker. a backpack sits inside so i open up the others finding a couple of cans but mostly cobwebs. we look through the rest of the place finding some more food, tools, and even a couple of guns. we load it back into the truck and carl pulls out his map. "there should be a town up the road aways, we could check it out?" he says and i nod. we start on foot down the road and he looks over at me as i smile. "what's that for? a couple of days out, all we've got to show are two guns, dented cans of beans, and some football jerseys, pretty much." he says. "pretty much." i answer still smiling. 

"we're fighting the fight. it's better." i say and he smiles. a sound from the trees makes us both stop and pull out our weapons. i follow carl through the trees and we see a group of men surrounding a truck. "if i hear one more goddamn word about fat joey, i'm gonna smash someone's teeth in." one of the men say. another one of the men pick up their golf club and swings a ball out into the field. "we need those batteries." carl whispers. i look at him as he looks at me. i cock my gun and he does the same. i line my gun up with one of the men's heads as carl does the same. i pull the trigger then as the other two men are looking around i pull it again and the two bodies drop. 

we wait for a second before coming out to make sure there aren't anymore and then we swing around the side of the truck clearing the rest of the area. "all good." carl says opening up the tub in the back of the truck and stuffing some batteries in for the walkie. i look through the truck and find a bag of pretzels. "jackpot." i say jumping out of the truck and showing carl the pretzels. he smiles and i open up the bag. we snack on them all the way back to the truck. carl slams his door and i get in the driver's seat. "they've got good taste in pretzels." i say eating some more. "and batteries." carl adds turning the walkie on.  i start the truck up and drive down the road. "two days. we're gonna need to get back." i say sighing.

"a day and a half more- today and tomorrow." he says. "we can come out again, we should get back." i say. "just a little more." he says setting his hand on my thigh. "we're okay. we don't have to find them all right now." i add. "yeah, i know. just a little more, okay?" he asks. "okay." i answer. "okay." he repeats with a smirk, taking some pretzels in his hand. 

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a couple of hours pass and carl is out cold. i stop the truck and start up a fire. i boil the rest of the water we found and pack up our bottles for the next day. i look up at the sky and guess it's later in the evening, 5 ish. the sun has an orangy glow to it as it casts a shadow on the truck. a branch cracks and i whip my head around to see a deer standing not too far from me. i stare at it in awe for a few seconds before grabbing my gun from the back of the truck. carl slightly gasps and turns around to see who's behind him as i shush him. "you scared the shit out of me." he whispers. i walk back over to see the deer has disappeared into the trees. carl climbs out of the truck and walks up behind me. "damn it." i say sighing. 

"what was it?" he asks. "it was a deer." i answer. "i owe you a deer. from before, outside the gates." he says following me through the woods. i remember the time he scared away a deer i was hunting and we spent hours looking for it but it had gone. "oh yeah, you do." i answer. "you see that?" i ask pointing through the trees at what looks like a faris wheel. "yeah." he says and we walk closer. a fence blocks our way into the school grounds. carl bangs on the fence hoping to call over any dead ones. i see the shadows of walkers walk up to us many dressed in army uniforms. "it's guns like that. that's why we're out here." he says and i shove my knife through the fence into the walker's head. 

i climb over with carl following behind. i take the gun from the walker and strap it onto my back with the strap. carl picks up some shell casings from the ground and smells to see how old they are. the shell casings clink as we walk through the school grounds. "something serious happened here. a long time ago." i say looking around. "yeah, these are serious rounds. might be serious guns here, too." he says and groans of walkers echo through the trees. "let's get a better look." carl says pointing to a bus parked ahead. the sun starts to set as we jump onto the bus and then climb onto the roof of the school. "we shouldn't be up here too long." i say watching out for the squishy parts of the roof. 

"let's see what we're gonna see." carl says as we start walking across the roof. the water squishes under my boots and the roof feels really unstable under me. we make it across and walkers roam around within the fences of an old carnival. "soldiers, citizens, all those rounds- there was a fight." carl says scanning the crowd of dead ones. "maybe it was walkers?" i ask. "they're still wearing their guns. i think this is it." carl adds. "i think so, too." i smile. "think we can?" he asks. i pull the gun off my shoulder and look through the scope. i pull the trigger and one of the bottles sitting on a shelf inside a stand falls over. i recock the rifle and shoot again knocking another down. 

we both laugh and i swing the gun back over my shoulder. "yeah, we can." i say. we both look out into the sea of walkers and i feel the roof below us start to move. i look at carl who is looking at me as it caves in and we fall through the ceiling. the fall was much more cushioned than i expected. i look around hoping no walkers are in here and i notice carl and i landed on a blow-up mattress. we both laugh as we push debris off of us. water splashes down onto us and my stomach aches from laughing. "are you okay?" i ask as i laugh. "yeah, are you?" carl asks laughing as well. "i am." i say sighing. "this is a sign, right?" i say laughing looking at the mattress below us. 

"this is it. it has to be." i add between laughs. "oh, it is." carl says sitting up. sitting in front of us is crates of food packages together. i gasp and sit up. "well, they're ready." i say looking at the prepackaged mres. "let's eat." carl says grabbing my hand and helping me off the mattress. he cuts open the packages and i wipe all the drywall off of me. we grab some pillows and a crate and set up a little table with all the food. carl drags over some blankets and candles for light. we get set up and carl smiles as he looks through the boxes. "you wanted mac and cheese?" he asks handing me a package. "no way." i say opening it up and pouring some water in. i take a bite and my mouth waters. "so good." i say. he opens his and we both enjoy the food. "how is it?" i ask him. "it's good." he answers with a mouth full. 

"so, tomorrow. we go out there, we get the weapons, right?" i ask. he nods as he takes a sip of water. "we get jadis and her people to fight with us. we kill negan and whoever else we need to to win. and what happens after that?" i ask. "after that, we keep going. we build something new. something safe for judith and the baby to grow up in. a place where we can grow and have a life." he answers. "yeah, but negan ordered the world his way. it's our job to reorder it after he's gone." i say. "all the different communities, we can figure out how to keep going together." he adds. "yeah but someone's gonna have to make that happen. someone will need to be in charge." i say.

"my dad, i guess. he's been the leader for so long." carl says. "what do you think?" i ask. "i think it should be a collective, like a council or something. someone to help him take the pressure away. he's done a lot by himself but he can't manage leading 4 communities." he explains. "yeah, i agree." i say taking a sip of water. "you could help." he says. "maybe." i say taking a bite of food. "no, i'm serious. you'd be a great leader, isa." he adds. "not me." i say with a chuckle. "why not? you could do it." he asks. "i don't think i could, or would want to. but we could- the two of us, you and me, reordering things, helping. i want that. if it's something you wanted." i say. "yeah." he answers with a smile. he reaches his hand up and cups my cheek. he presses his lips against mine, kissing me. he's everywhere up my back and all over my arms and suddenly he's kissing me harder. 

his arms gathered around me as we lean back onto the floor, tangled together. my veins throb and my heart explodes. the weight of his body on top of mine is extraordinary. i feel him- all of him- pressed up against me. i inhale his smell, his cologne, his shampoo. i want to breathe him. his face has the slightest bit of stubble and it rubs against my stomach as he kisses his way across me but i don't care, i don't care at all. he is everywhere, and it doesn't matter that he's already on me i want him closer. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

heyy i'm back, school has been taking over my life omg but i'm here to update for y'all. i don't know how quick i will be to updating until i get some free time and my spark back for writing but hang tight I WILL BE BACK! i'm gonna try to pre-write some stuff so i can just post and not worry.