'all that i'd ever see, all that i'd ever believe, is through.' - dreamgirl

negan jumps through the different rooms, examining things like a kid on christmas. he is entertained by the running water from the faucets and the carpeted bedrooms. we reach the end of the hall upstairs and negan points to a door at the end of the hall. "this one?" he asks with a grin walking down to judith's room. "it's just a water heater." carl tries to say quickly before negan opens the door and smiles as soon as he sees judy standing up in her crib. "oh-ho, my." negan says, handing carl the bat. "look at this little angel." negan chuckles picking her up. he bounces her in his arms as he carries her outside and sits down in a rocking chair on the porch. his jacket lay draped across the back of the chair as he rocks back and forth with judith asleep in his arms. 

carl sets the bat next to negan and stands next to me as i sit in the rocking chair next to negan. my eyes don't leave judith who looks like she has no care in the world. i sometimes wonder what she thinks of all this. the dead, the saviors, guns. it is normal for her, she didn't have to get used to it. i envy her. "oh, this little girl is precious." he says gently humming. my mind wanders and i tread on the fact that maybe negan had a kid before all this, or during this. he is good with judith as much as i don't want to admit it. he has a thing for kids and i wonder what happened to make him like this. 

"hey, neighbor. why don't you come by later? we might grill out." negan says chuckling as he shouts out to a random alexandrian just crossing the street. "oh, i like it here. i might just have to stay here. you know i was thinkn' about what you said earlier, isa. maybe it is stupid keeping you two and rick alive. i mean, why am i trying so hard? maybe i should just bury all three of you down in those flower beds. huh? and then i could just settle into the suburbs. what do you think about that?" he says as he is looking at judith who he is now bouncing on his knee. "you wouldn't." i say. "i don't know." he says singsongy still making faces at judith as she laughs. 

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the smell of pasta sauce lingers throughout the house. negan had decided he wanted to cook dinner so i laid judith up in her crib. she clung to me as i walked up the stairs and i felt relieved to be holding her tight in my arms. that was an hour ago. now i sit at the island rolling out dough. i vaguely remember doing this when i was young with my mother, she loved to cook. negan stirs the sauce and takes some on the spoon for a taste. "damn that is good!" he exclaims and turns to us. "want a taste?" he offers carl and carl just stares at him as he is rolling out some dough himself. negan chuckles and tastes a bit more off the spoon before sticking it back in the sauce and stirring it once more. 

the door creaks open and olivia walks in with more lemonade. i quickly catch a glimpse of tara standing on our porch before olivia shuts the door behind her. negan puts in the noodles and cooks them up as olivia goes to get judith. carl and i quietly set the table as negan sits down at the head of the table where rick normally sits. olivia stands in the kitchen making more lemonade with judith in her arms. "we're gonna need another setting." negan says clicking his tongue. carl walks back into the kitchen and grabs another placemat, napkin, and silverware set along with a glass.

i sit down in my usual place, in the middle between carl and judith's highchair, and i watch as olivia pours some lemonade into negan's cup. she sits down with judith asleep in her arms and carl comes back with the other setting. olivia stares out the front window, gently rocking side to side as carl and i stare at the other side of the table. negan looks at all of us as he taps his fingers on the table. "i'm not waiting for rick anymore. i don't know where the hell he is, but lucille..is hungry" he says setting the bat in the empty spot across from carl and next to olivia. he stuffs his napkin in his collar and scans the table. "isa, pass the rolls." he says and i sit there looking at him. he slightly throws his hands up and shakes his head. "please?" he adds with a grin.

i pick up the bread basket and pass it to him. we all silently sit there picking around at the noodles as negan feasts. a knock on the door pauses the dinner and negan gets up as he wipes his face. he grabs the bat and opens the door. i look out the window and see spencer standing at the bottom of the porch stairs. i hear some muffled talking then negan comes back inside to grab his lemonade cup. "you two.. you're excused. for now." he says looking at carl and i with a grin as he goes back out to the porch and shuts the door. i sigh and rest my head in my hands to try to ease my headache. "i'm gonna go sit with her up there." olivia says standing up with judith still asleep. she walks upstairs and carl just sits there next to me not saying a word.

"say something." i say not lifting my head up. "you could've gotten someone killed. you could've gotten yourself killed and the baby. do you not understand that it's not just you anymore? you can't go off pretending you're the hero in everyones story and not expect a consequence." he argues. "i thought i could end it. you said it yourself you'd come with me i thought you wouldn't mind." i reply. "i just said that to get you not to go." he answers. "okay, well, i'm sorry carl." i reply quietly. "i don't want you leaving here without me anymore. it's too dangerous out there. what if you get bit, or shot, or fuckin' blown up?" he explains raising his voice a bit.

"you are overreacting." i say and he stares at me like i have 3 heads. "i can't do this right now, isa." he says going upstairs. i lay my head down on the table and watch out the window at the street full of saviors. the sight of them roaming the streets disgusts me so i get up and start clearing the table. i put all the dirty dishes away and stick the leftover pasta in the fridge. i sit down at the island and open up carl's notebook. michonne had gotten it for him after he was shot to practice his eye coordination but he uses it now as lists for runs and notes i guess. 

i flip through the pages and see a few new sketches he has made. one of him and i holding a baby. i quickly turn off that page and see a list for a run. 

- toilet paper                              

- crib

- clothes for jude

- baby bottles, food, blankets, toys, and diapers                              *RICE MILK AND COCONUT MILK                                                                                                                    COULD WORK TOO

- pickles

- food and water for the pantry

-ammo

i smile at the pickles and remember when i was searching for them in the middle of the night a few weeks ago. i don't understand his attachment to this kid already, i mean, i'm not even a couple of months along and he's acting like it's already here. i don't want it, i really don't, but i know he does. it's all he talks to me about. he lays next to me at night talking about the future and how he's happy judith will have another friend. i'm doing it for him. it's all for carl. 

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after an hour of basically twiddling my thumbs and waiting for carl to come back down i sigh and sit watching out the window. negan and spencer are playing a game of pool in the middle of the street. saviors and some alexandrians watch as they share a bottle of whiskey. negan gets some in and so does spencer. my eyes follow negan as he walks up to spencer. i see from behind him he pulls out a small knife. "carl! olivia!" i shout leaping from the barstool and throwing the front door open. carl and olivia run outside beside me and we all watch as negan cuts spencer's stomach open and his guts fall all over the concrete. i feel myself trying to hold back the puke. 

some in the crows gasp, others cry, but i see rosita standing there with no expression. she hasn't talked to me much, not really at all, but i've seen her and spencer walking around together so he obviously meant something to her. spencer falls to the ground, tangled in his own intestines. "ohh. how embarrassing. there they are. they were inside you the whole time. you did have guts. i've never been so wrong in my whole life!" negan shouts and he looks back at carl in i as he smiles. my eyes stay glued to rosita who looks like she is about to charge at negan. 

"now, someone oughta clean this mess up. oh, anyone wanna finish the game? come on, i was winning." negan adds and rosita pulls her gun out. she pulls the trigger and the gunshot rings through the community. "shit! what the shit?!" negan yells and arat tackles rosita. "shit! you just- you tried to kill me?! you shot lucille!" negan yells jumping around as arat holds a knife to rosita's neck. "she got in the way." rosita spits out. negan bends down and picks up the shell casing from the bullet. "what is this?" he asks. "this little bad boy made from scratch? look at those crimps. this was homemade. you may be stupid, darlin', but you showed some real ingenutity here. arat, move that knife up to that girl's face. lucille's beautiful, smooth surface is never gonna look the same, so why should yours?!" he shouts. "unless..unless you tell me who made this." negan adds. 

"it was me. i made it." rosita says. "you see, now i just think youre lying. and you are lying to me now?! such a shame. arat's gonna have to cut up that pretty face. one more try." negan says. "it was me." rosita repeats lifting her head up a bit so the knife cuts across her cheek. "oh! you are such a badass! fine. have it your way.  arat..kill somebody." negan says and it takes a second before my eyes adjust. arat lifts her gun up in our direction and carl pushes me to the ground as he crouches beside me. olivia's body falls beside me and her lifeless eyes stare into mine as blood drips from her forehead. i shudder and bit and sit up as carl helps me stand up. i move backwards a bit holding onto carl still looking into her eyes. 

"we had an agreement." rick argues walking through the crowd holding onto aaron who looks like shit. "rick!" negan shouts hoarsely. "look, everybody, it's rick. ah, your people are making me lose my voice doin' all this yelling. rick..how about a 'thank you'?  i mean, look, i know we started this relationship with me beating the holy shit out of your friends, and because of that, we're never gonna sit around and braid eachother's hair or share our deepest secrets but how about a little credit? i just bent over backwards to show you how reasonable i am. your kid's girlfriend- she hid in one of my trucks and machine-gunned down a bunch of my men, and i brought her home, safe and sound, and i fed them both spaghetti." negan explains and rick looks over and carl and i. 

my nails still digging into carl's arm as he stands behind me. "another one of your people- well, he wanted me  to kill you and put him in charge. i took him out..for you. and another one, here- she shot lucille, trying to kill me just now, so i gave you one less mouth to feed. and by looking at her- that mouth did some major damage. now, personally, i wouldn't have picked her to be the one to go, but arat i don't know- didn't trust her." negan explains. "you're shit's waiting for you at the gate. just go." rick says. "sure thing, rick.. right after i find the guy or gal who made this bullet. arat?" negan says and arat lifts her gun pointing it at eric who is holding aaron up. "it was me!" tara shouts. "no, it wasn't. it was me. it was only me." eugene cries. "you?" negan asks. 

"it required one spent casing, one four-holed turret reloader, powder, one funel for the powder-" eugene lists and negan cuts him off. "shut up. i believe you. lucille, give me strength." negan says taking a deep breath. "i'm gonna be relieving you of your bullet maker, rick- that and whatever you left for me at the front gate. and however much you scavanged, it's not good enough, because you're still in a serious, serious hole of shit after today. let's move out!" negan shouts and all the saviors lower their guns as they walk up the road to the gate. rosita screams as they drag eugene with them. quickly the alexandrians rush back to their homes leaving rosita curled up into a ball on the road and rick standing next to the pool table, towering over spencer's corpse.

he comes back and rick quickly puts him down before storming into the house without a word to me or carl. "you go talk to him, i need to be with her." i say walking down the steps of the porch. carl nods and goes inside as i approach rosita. "come on. get up i'm taking you home." i say as i help her up off the floor. she sobs into my shoulder as we walk back to her house. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

i just wrote a certain episode in season 8 and let's just say i am not the happiest camper rn.. tissues are being soaked with tears, sad music is currently playing.