"i'm hurting, i'm hurting, i wish you were dead." - novulent

the wind howled outside, the storm now in full force. isa moved to a window, watching the snow lash against the glass. small fires light up the sanctuary, providing warmth for the people of the kingdom as we wait the storm out. i sit on the metal staircase where i once stood years ago, fighting to get daryl back from negan. 

familiar footsteps echo behind me and daryl sits beside me, setting his crossbow on the step below us. he unscrews a bottle of bourbon and hands it to me. "where'd you find this?" i ask taking a swig. "grabbed it from the kingdom, figured we'd need it." he answers as i hand it over to him. "you okay?" he asks, his voice quiet. "yeah." i reply. "we're gonna make it. all right? we will." he adds, as i ignore eye contact. "yeah." i say, grabbing the bottle from him and taking another drink. 

a moment of silence passes and i tug on the sleeve of my coat for warmth, noticing the scars left from months ago. "i feel like im losing myself again." i sigh, chuckling as i take another gulp. "we could go away from here." he says and i scoff. "and where would we go?" i ask him and he shrugs. "anywhere. just somewhere new." daryl says. "you want to go?" i ask, not opposed to the idea. "no." he mumbles. "what do you want me to do?" he adds. "i don't want you to come with me. i want you to stay with them. protect our family, i can't anymore. i can take lydia, we can go. i can protect her." i say standing up and walking down the stairs, taking the bottle of bourbon with me. 

the night wore on, the storm outside showing no signs of letting up. i sit down in a dark corner, the bottle of bourbon resting in my hand. my mind is fuzzy with a mix of my thoughts. leaving seemed like a possibility, i wouldn't have to go and face what was left of charlie back in hilltop, but the thought of making alpha suffer was too tempting to abandon. 

i watch the flames dance in the fireplace, the warmth slowly spreading through my chilled body. the sanctuary was quiet, save for the occasional murmur of the wind and the crackle of the fire. people were huddled together, finding comfort in each other's presence. 

the bourbon numbed my thoughts, but the decision loomed heavy over me. i took one last swig and set the bottle aside, wrapping my coat tighter around myself. for now, i would stay. the decision to leave could wait. tonight, i would rest, and gather my strength, and only after delivering the people of the kingdom to hilltop i would pack my things and leave. 

michonne and the others had agreed to continue later into the night while the storm subsided. my feet freeze in my boots as we all walk through the snow. the wind nips at my pink cheeks every time i step. an unfortunately familiar hill sneaks up on all of us. i stand there in the blizzard staring at the sticks that line the border into alpha's territory which we all plan to cross into. the stick that once held up my daughter's head sits there, slightly swaying in the wind. carol stands beside me, silently weeping as she looks at where henry stood. she reaches out and grabs my hand, we both drag each other through them. 

the wind starts to pick up as we enter an old playground. the old playsets groan in the wind, making an awful sound. the only thing i can see is michonne's faint flashlight guiding us through the storm. suddenly she abruptly stops and pulls out her sword, everyone follows. a part of me wishes it was the whisperers we stumble upon but as we walk closer a pair of frozen walkers stand there quietly growling at us. 

"there's the river, we made it." ezekiel says pointing past the dead. "i'll get them." i say stepping up to the dead and stabbing them in the heads. "i'll check the ice." daryl announces, walking up to the frozen river. "i'm right behind you." i say to daryl, following him down the rocks and onto the ice. he grabs my hand, helping me down. "yeah, i think we're good." he says giving the ice a stomp. i turn back watching ezekiel tell the rest of the group the plan. i scan the crowd and i don't see lydia standing anywhere in the group. "hey, where's lydia?" i ask, stepping back up on the rock.

"i'm gonna go find her. you get everyone across." i say to daryl and he shakes his head. "i ain't leaving you out here." he says. "i'll be fine. i'll find her and we will meet you back here." i say, walking off. the wind whipped against my face, each gust feeling like a thousand tiny needles piercing my skin. snow fell in thick, heavy flakes, quickly covering any tracks lydia might have left behind. i trudged through the storm, my boots sinking deep into the snow with every step. the cold was relentless, seeping through my layers of clothing, but i pushed forward, driven by the fear of what could happen if i didn't find her.

"lydia!" i shouted, my voice barely carrying over the howling wind. there was no response, only the eerie silence of the storm and the muffled crunch of snow under my feet. i kept my hand on the hilt of my knife, every shadow and flicker of movement setting my nerves on edge. we were bordering alpha's territory now, and the thought of running into one of her people sent a chill down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.

my breath came in ragged bursts, each exhale visible in the frigid air. i scanned the area, straining to see through the blizzard. every tree and snowdrift looked the same, a never-ending sea of white and gray. "lydia!" i called again, desperation creeping into my voice. then, out of the corner of my eye, i saw a faint movement. my heart skipped a beat as i turned, squinting through the snow. there, huddled against a large tree, was a small figure. i hurried over, my relief palpable when i recognized her.

"what the hell are you doing?" i ask grabbing her arm. "i don't know. i just know i can't cross that river." she mumbles, out of breath from running. "why not?" i ask her. "because i know what's on the other side. it's the same thing that's on this side. everyone's acting like getting to hilltop gonna make all our problems go away like it's gonna make everything better, but it's not gonna change shit." she says pulling out of my grasp. 

"they're not gonna want me back. if you people hadn't taken me in in the first place, all those people would still be alive. your daughters dead 'cause of me. you know--henry said i was a good person. but he was wrong. as long as i'm one of you, it's never gonna stop. you know i'm right. there's only one way to fix this. you see it. i can be you. i want it to be you." she adds, her voice trembling. 

"lydia." i whisper. "no one else has to know. this is how you keep from losing anyone else." she sobs, grabbing her knife and putting it in my hand, holding my hand to her neck. "please, isa. please, just do it. do it for charlie. i'm sorry it has to be you but, it does. i'm too weak. just like my mother said." she cries and tears swell in my eyes as i watch her. 

suddenly behind her a walker appears, i push her out of the way stabbing it in his head. lydia's cries echo through the trees as i reach out and hug her. we sit down on the ground, covered in water from the melting snow as she cries into my shoulder. "you're not weak." i say, patting her back like how i used to comfort charlie. "come on, we need to go." i say standing up and grabbing her hand, leading her back to the frozen river. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

hey! if you haven't seen it already i just published a new story 'requiem for the accused'. it is another twd centred story with a fem oc and i'd love for you to read the few chapters already posted! one of the characters in it his face claim is dylan o'brien so if that isn't a deal breaker idk what is. :)