'got the fever for surveillance and the night life.' - duster

"look at me." rick says sternly and dwight lifts up his head. "why?" rick asks. "cause i want it stopped. i want negan dead." dwight says and my blood starts to boil. i remember that night watching dwight pull joel out of that crate, just tossing him on the ground like he was nothing. i remember how he dug my face into the ground as i watched negan beat joel over the head. i squirmed under his grip praying for someone or something to make him stop. dwight just stood there watching all of us as negan and the rest of the savior killed the person i cared most for. 

"you don't get just to switch. you don't get to come here and ask to join us. do you know what you did to us?" i ask stepping in front of him. "if i could take it all back i would." he mumbles. "shut up, shut the fuck up!" i shout. "beg, beg like you made me beg." i say grinding my teeth while i pull out my gun. i can hear daryl shift around but rick holds his hand out to tell him just to let me. "i just want to help. i know what i did was wrong, i know that now. i was just trying to survive. i'm sorry." he says but nothing can justify what they did. "sorry can't bring him back." i mutter switching the safety of my gun. the second i do daryl grabs me ripping the gun from my hands. i scream as he drags me out of the cells. 

he stands in front of the cell door as i sob. "let me back in there, i have to end it." i cry. "not now, not like this." he says roughly. "please, daryl." i plead. i can see the sadness in his eyes as my mind is completely filled with all the pain i carry from that night. i sniffle and wipe my cheeks before storming off. my sadness turns into a rage in seconds, like a switch. i grab my bag and my gun along with michonne's sword from the wall before storming out of the house and down the front steps. "isa, where are you going?" carl asks running over. "let me leave carl." i mumble focused on the dark sky in front of me. "when will you be back? where are you going?" he asks again. "carl, just let me go." i say stopping and looking at him. 

he looks at me for a minute before hugging me tight. "come back to me." he says worriedly. i slightly nod and he lets go. i walk down the rest of the street towards the back wall before climbing up it. i hop over landing down in the dirt. i stand up, brush myself off, and walk through the trees. "i have to finish it, you would've." i mumble as i step through bushes. the leaves tickle my ankles as i walk and the cold wind blows against my face and through my hair sending shivers up my back. "it's got to end." i say again. off in the distance, i see movement in the trees. i hide behind one tree, scoping out how many dead ones are out roaming. i count about a dozen so i walk out loudly enough that they'll hear me. 

i always found killing walkers was therapeutic to me. after carl got shot i helped clear out alexandria without a thought to it. it's like when i'm blinded with sadness or rage i'm immortal. i pull michonne's sword out of the holster and start swinging. the blade rings through the air and slices so cleanly through the walkers. blood flies everywhere, all over me, all over the sword, and all over the ground. i get through the half and i start to get out of breath. i manage to knock a few down before one comes up behind me knocking me down. it falls on top of me growling in my face. its smell is putrid and it makes me want to puke. its hands grab all over me, my arms, legs, and then my stomach. i can feel it's fingers applying more pressure to my stomach before i whimper under its;s strength. i manage to get my foot under its stomach and kick it off. quickly i grab the sword and stba it through the head. i lift up my shirt and sigh once i see i'm all clean. a sigh of relief washes away my anger and i decide i need to find somewhere to stay. 

"that was close." i huff as i pick up my things. "this has got to end." i say more saddened. i don't want to feel like this but i can't help it. negan and his people need to be held responsible for what they did and hopefully, by killing him i will get some relief out of this. joel didn't deserve what happened to him. he deserved a longer life, he deserved to see this kid grow up, take it on walks and sing it stupid songs while he plays guitar, he deserved more than he was dealt. 

i'd like to think he can hear me sometimes. i find myself speaking to the empty space a lot, telling him about my day or my feelings. i never did before when he was alive so i'm not sure why i've started now. the noises of the forest at night are calming to me. i walk for what feels like hours till my feet ache. i physically cannot walk any longer. i find a taller tree and climb it hoping to camp out up high tonight. i hang my bag on a branch and wiggle into the tree trying to make space for myself so i don't fall out. just to be safe i tie a rope i found in my bag around my waist and to the tree. small nats and mosquitos join me as i fall asleep under the stars. my eyes slowly drift off as tears warm my cheeks. 

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the next morning comes in a flash. i wake up still in the tree with a walker growling at me from the bottom. i lean over and stab it in the head before uniting myself and jumping down. i grab my bag and michonne's sword before following my tracks back to the walls. my feet throb by the time i reach the wall and i climb over throwing my bag down as i get up to the top. i jump off about halfway and pick up my stuff. the streets are quiet, it must be early. a guard from the wall watches me as i wave up to him showing it's me. he smiles and turns and i just can't give a smile back. i walk up to carl's house and unlock the door with my spare key. the door creaks as i step in and close it behind me. it's quiet inside. plates from last night's dinner sit in the sink ready for washing, shoes lay at the door, and coats hang on the hangers. i take off my bloody shoes and hang michonne's sword back up. 

quietly, i walk upstairs and pass by judith's room. she lays so peacefully in her crib as her little music box plays. i walk further down the hall and open carl's door. surprisingly i find him sitting at his window. "i hope you didn't wait for me." i say setting my bag down. "of course i did." he replies not looking away from the window. "well, i'm here now you can stop waiting." i say. "are you really here?" he asks turning to look at me. i don't get what he means so i just stand there. "you are different now." he replies ignoring my appearance. "okay, well i can't really do anything about that." i answer taking off my jacket that is soaked in blood.

"do you even care about us anymore? all you seem to care about now is getting revenge on negan. you barely talk about the baby and if you do it's so fucking clear that you are miserable about it." he says standing up. "sorry." i reply shortly. i'm not sorry, he doesn't understand how badly i want negan dead. it's my top priority now, the fight. it should be his too. "do you even care about beating the saviors today?" i ask after a couple of seconds. "don't make me seem like the asshole right now, isa. you know i do." he scoffs. "so i'm the asshole?" i ask angrily. "right now, yeah. you are. you need to be thinking about the future, how we are gonna be living in 5 years." he says. 

"i am thinking about it! i'm thinking about how what i can do to make this feeling go away so i can live without this guilt!" i shout and i hear rick get up and walk out into the hall. carl just stands there looking at me. "you're willing to get yourself killed, just to not feel like this?" he asks. "yeah, for me. for others. for joel and glenn." i answer. " we can get you help. that's not the way." he says. "because you decided it was?" i ask with more attitude than i intended. "you were there, carl. you saw what he took from us." i say feeling my rage fill the tears in my eyes. "you think joel would want this? for you to kill yourself over this guilt?" carl asks. "i dunno what he would want. i dunno because i never got to say goodbye." i answer. 

"he wouldn't want it, isa. i don't want this." he adds. "you made this decision for me, carl. you took that option away from me." i explain. "so taking it back what the hell is that gonna do?!" he shouts. "it's gonna be good. good for you, rosita, maggie. i won't have to burden you with this anymore. i'm ready." i say with tears rolling down my cheeks. "no. you think losing you will be better for us? i don't know what i would do if i lost you, and our kid. don't say that again." he says shaking his head and sitting down on the corner of his bed. "if he butchered rick in front of you- instead of joel." i say and he cuts me off. "isa." he says shaking his head. "if you had a whole life to live without a parent because of him you would've been dead a long time ago and you know it!" i shout. 

"so stop acting like this is a choice! stop acting like i can just turn it off! because it has been months and i can't." i add. "you're gonna have to." he says. "tell me how. if there is something else i can do, carl, because i can't keep living like this." i sob. "i don't know." he mutters. "cause there is nothing you can say." i add. "how would i be able to live with what comes after?" he asks. "you just have to." i answer. he sighs and leans his elbows on his knees. he rubs his head and stands up. he walks over and hugs me. he holds me tight in his arms like he is never letting go. "i'm not letting you do this, but i'll help in any way i can. i need you here, isa. you are my best friend and my whole life. i'm sorry you feel like this." he says and i cry into his shoulder. my tears wet his shirt and he sits me down on the bed as i rest my head on his shoulder. 

"please just wait, isa." he adds and hearing the pain in his voice makes my tears fall faster. he sits there with me for almost a half hour before wiping my cheeks. "we've got a big day. i'll get you some water. stay here please." he pleads as he stands up and walks downstairs closing the bedroom door behind him. i get up and walk over to the window to see the garbage people pulling in. rick and a couple of others start handing them guns and ammo and start explaining the plan. carl comes back up with the water and sits next to me. "here, sip it." he says handing me the glass. i look at it for a minute before taking a small sip. i set it down on the dresser next to the window and sit back bringing my boney knees up to my chest. 

carl looks at me with sad eyes before getting up and grabbing me some clean clothes. "my dad wants us out there to listen to the plan. you gonna come out?" he asks setting the clothes on the bed. "yeah." i answer roughly. my throat burns from crying. "ill be downstairs." he says before kissing my forehead and leaving the bedroom door cracked. after a second or two i stand up and peel the blood-covered shirt from my torso, replacing it with a white tank and one of carl's flannels. i grab my stuff and walk down the stairs. carl waits at the door for me and we quietly walk across the street to join rick and the rest of the fighters.

"what you fight for." jadis says taking a look around the streets. "not the place- the people, each other. you're a part of that now." rick answers. "we take. we don't bother- our way. maybe another way." jadis replies. "yours?" jadis asks looking at michonne. "yeah, we're together." she answers confused. "i lay with him after. you care?" she asks and rick looks between her and michonne. "we should get back to work." michonne says hiding a smile on her face. "yeah." rick adds very disturbed. "i think i'm gonna go rest for a bit, i feel kinda nauseous." i lie and carl believes it. i walk back upstairs and walk into rick's room. i rummage through his key drawer and pull out the one for the arsenal. 

quickly i exit through the back door and run to the house down the street that holds the guns. since olivia we really haven't had anyone staying in here 24/7 so thankfully it was empty. i grab a rifle from the crate and write it down on the sheet under rick's name so hopefully, no one questions why we are missing a rifle. i grab a chair and set up the rifle so it's pointing at the window. i open it a bit so i can come up here quickly and shoot negan once he gets here. i will end this today. i'll end it for everyone, for joel, for glenn, for this kid. i'll end it so i can go and they won't need me anymore. 

i grab my pistol from the drawer and stick it in my pant leg to hide it in case something happens. i sit down on the bed and take a minute to catch my breath before getting up and walking back to my empty house. i had been living with the grimes family for weeks now but i had asked if i could keep the house, it's the last place i spoke to joel. i open the door and the house smells like him. the food in the fridge is all spoiled and dust has collected on the counters but i pass all that and go up to my old room. the grey walls holding my damaged posters never felt so small. my unmade bed lies in the corner of the room. i close the door of my room and walk into joel's. his bed still unmade from the last time he slept here, his coats hang on the back of the door, and his shoes lie in front of the closet in a pile. i lay down in the bed and get comfortable in the covers. 

whatever happens today, whoever we lose, i doubt i can feel any worse than this. his smell has started to fade since the last time i slept here. his cologne sits on top of the dusty dresser and the old shit he used to keep in his pockets sits next to it. a picture of his daughter hangs on his mirror and right under it a picture of me and him he took on a camera we stole from bill. i wonder how he's doing, that asshole. i get up, tossing the covers off of me. i look through more of the things sitting up there. his guitar pick that i stuff in my pocket, his old man glasses for when he used to read the newspaper, his lucky dollar he snatched from tess, and some more little things like rubber bands and hair ties he used to carry for me. 

i look down at his watch that sits loosely around my wrist. it had broken before i even met him but he had told me once his daughter gave it to him as a birthday gift, similar to what i did for my dad that night of the outbreak. the watch ticks quietly on my wrist and the sound of it makes me feel a little bit happier. i pull out the guitar pick and poke a hole through it with my knife. i walk back to my room and grab a piece of string, sticking it through the hole. i tie it around my neck and look into my dusty mirror. it hangs around my neck and i lift it up, feeling it between my fingers. 

"isa, you in here?" i hear carl call from downstairs. "yeah, coming." i answer closing joel's door behind me. i hesitate before walking down. i turn and look back at the door before taking a breath and walking downstairs. "the saviors are coming." carl says handing me a rifle. i follow him outside and up onto the wall. garbage people join us up there along with a few of our own. trucks pull up and i see eugene standing on the top of one with a megaphone. "all points are covered. every contingency is already met. i come armed with two barrels full of the truth. a test if upon you, and i'm giving out the cheat sheet." he announces and we are all shocked to see him up there like a traitor. "shit." i mutter under my breath.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

i just did something you guys aren't going to like...