J.M.

Seeing Jungkook leave office early wasn't something I predicted, but I wasn't surprised. What also didn't baffle me anymore was the intensity of my feelings for him. I'd taken a decision and now it was up to him how to play the ball in his court.

What were my feelings? I asked myself for several nights. I didn't know in the beginning what I wanted from Jungkook. Maybe admission that he felt something for me. Then what? Did I have it in me to reciprocate what he offered? This was the question that lingered in front of my eyes as a big question mark just hanging in the air.

In a snap of a moment when I wrote my message in the solidarity of office for Jungkook on his present, I knew my rationality was past its expiration. I commanded my heart to calm, my breaths to slow, and my fear to release its stranglehold on my thoughts. I hated that I was risking my career so casually. It was everything I've worked for. My biggest fear was losing the respect and position I'd gained, but something intangible bound me to him. Something I couldn't name. My feelings weren't my own.

Every time I watched him, I felt pride and a blinding need to care for him. I was in a position to do that. But I wanted to do more. Something unevolved, a half-savage part of me had decided that he was now mine to protect. Logic had no say in the matter, and it was also a source of my anger that was simmering beneath the surface. How easily he chipped away at my resolve and years' worth of discipline.  

So when he barged into my office without asking for permission, I felt fear so consuming it blinded me. "Close the door," I asked him, knowing how this was going to pan out. He had rejection written all over him.

"Mr. Park," he murmured. "I found this in my drawer yesterday with a note." He put up the brooch in his hand.

I squared my shoulders as unemotionally as possible. I could have carved for granite as I sat inhumanly still, breaths forgotten.

"I came here to tell you that while I am flattered that you'd consider me a thing of your interest, my career means everything to me. I might be the youngest leader here, but I am not okay with this treatment. I can't accept this."

He gently put the brooch on my table and turned his back to me.

I felt faulty for complicating things, yet unapologetic for following my heart. Contrition and conviction started a raging battle in my head. He didn't want to risk his career. I scoffed in resignation. I wasn't a stranger to ambition, but the irony was so fucking funny. I knew no other way to express it besides blistering anger.

The emotion strained against the thin membrane of my control, threatening annihilation. "Stop. Moving." I barked with each word, looking at the diamond rose.

He did. Thankfully he did. I didn't know what would have I done if he didn't. I'd lost my goddamn mind.

I could accept the rejection. I wasn't a narcissist. But I was having a hard time believing the extent of my feelings or whatever it was outweighed his.

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken his words in that 'moment' to my heart. He didn't mean those. I realized it with blinding clarity, but clowning myself wasn't settling well. My ribcage expanded and contracted with practiced intent. Once. Twice. Three times. I needed to fucking calm down. "You told me that you've once read a line in a book where it was written that soulmates always find each other, no matter how far apart they are."

I could see the moment the wheels in his head started to tumble. He could recognize his words but couldn't recall when they were spoken. I gave him time to think harder. "And then you told me that you'd find me, now that you knew what I looked like. You'd find me no matter where I hide." My elevated voice echoed the emotions brewing inside me. 

I moved closer to him until only a matter of inches separated us. "So what is it, Mr. Jeon Jungkook?" I asked with lethal precision, my eyes accusatory. My frustration was aimed at his emotional barriers with the intent of watching them crumble. I was petty for that.

Anyone would've been coming apart at the seams, but not Jungkook. He'd mastered the ability to suppress his natural responses. I had seen him vulnerable and expressive, and I was seeing him now with an impenetrable layer of armor. I grabbed his palm and put the brooch on top of it.

"If there's anyone who can understand me, it's you, Mr. Park. Ageism lurks in the process of considering any candidate during the interview. I have been told to take a lower position suiting the number of years of my work experience. I was told to consider getting a lower salary because they were already giving me a higher position at the company. You think I'd compromise with my career when I fought so hard?" He shot the words out of his mouth so calmly I debated if we were having the same conversation.

My mind raced as I stared at him. I needed to handle this carefully, but my frustration tinged my vision with red, making it hard to see anything but my need to gain his approval. "No one here is threatening your career, Jungkook. Then what is it, hm? Is it the implication of my words that you didn't like or the fact that you want me as much as I do?"

Point. Set. Match.

I watched him with an unexpected sense of satisfaction swelling in my chest, but I didn't let it show. If he was a master of deception, I was something of an expert myself.

His eyes didn't hide the aggravation. He glared at me with rabid intensity. I met his stare with equal fervor.

He turned around and walked away.

I'd have preferred for him to show me his fury, to unleash all the ugly and fearful thoughts. But no, he tucked himself back into his shell.

When I remained alone for a moment, my emotions deflated, leaving in its wake a thick tar of guilt. My fear expanded again, but this time, I wasn't afraid of losing the empire I'd built, but him. What if this changed everything? Fuck. What if he was now considering leaving?

I knew one thing. I was done with listening to my heart for the week. The damage was done, and if I had to deploy control measures, I needed to be level-headed.

I quickly checked and found out that I didn't have one-on-one meetings with Jungkook for at least a week, which was a relief.

I needed to make things right. We needed to deal with the professional side of things. If I knew Jungkook before, he was an open book to me now. He would never let his work be affected by what was transpired between us. I still asked Kyla to keep an eye on the progress reports. If need be, I'd let her talk to Jungkook. Seeing me would only make things worse for him.

The time passed impossibly slowly.

The day ended with me without eating anything. I had to take an aid of alcohol to find sleep at night.

**

The next morning, my head was much more clear, but I wasn't feeling far from what I had a day before. I kept worrying about Jungkook and how he must be feeling.

As expected, he didn't let his work hamper. He was, in fact, working until late.

As I'd decided before Jungkook's birthday, I had arranged meals for everyone who stayed at the office later than six. It was the least I could do. Aside from meals, I'd also systematized five massage chairs in the common area for anyone to take a break and relax.

I intentionally avoided Jungkook in the following days.

By the time the third week of the warning letter's deadline ended, the noose of worry on my neck also loosened a bit.

With Linda on my ass, and solving everyone's problems, I was riding on fumes at that point. But we had made 73% progress, which was a linear 35% growth from the last two weeks, and it left the remaining 25% to be tackled in the last week.

I couldn't have asked for a better team if I curated one myself. Everyone took their jobs seriously and the guilt also settled heavy on my chest that their last three weeks were nothing short of hell. It wasn't their mistake. It wasn't my mistake either, but we were all paying for a crime we didn't commit.

I let myself drown in work. If I didn't, I thought of Jungkook, and the heaviness of the altercation in our office settled on top of everything else.

I had a call with him this evening, and I have been dreading it since last night. When I was expecting him in my office, he was a no-show. Instead, he joined in via Zoom. "Good evening, Mr. Park," he was always formal, but he added an extra layer of bite to his tone.

I let out a resigned sigh. Seeing him after a week made my heart strengthen. "In my office, Jungkook," I said slowly and disconnected via Zoom.

I wanted to tell him how sorry I was to call him out like that. I didn't regret my words, but I knew the timing could have been better along with my temperament.

A gingerly knock sounded before he entered inside. My heart broke at the sight of visible weight loss and purple shadows under his eyes, but it also began to beat in glee when I looked at the innocence of his eyes, something that always showed the brightest. "Have a seat," I asked as gently as I could.

He didn't meet my gaze once while mine remained on his face fiercely. Clearing his throat, he spoke with his eyes tucked into the laptop screen. "We are all set to go. Thank you for approving the transactions. I am taking my team with me for the campaign. I hope that's okay."

I couldn't help a smile that viciously attacked the corner of my lips. Wiping a hand on my mouth, I schooled my expressions to nothing. "Good job, Jungkook."

His eyes then lifted to mine. "Thank you." He whispered.

"Do you need me there?" I asked, the softness not leaving my tone.

He nodded. He needed my help, and he looked so vulnerable asking for it. I wanted to reach across the table and hold his hand, but I had no right to him. I have made sure of it by rushing things. Instead, I settled for my commitment. "I'll be there," I eased some of his tension.

Did he think I'd retaliate against him after last week? Fuck. I hadn't thought from his perspective. He must've been afraid.

"We are leaving in thirty minutes. I am taking my car," he let me know.

"Okay," I nodded distractedly.

When he said something and stood up, I snapped back from my thoughts. "Wait!"

He did.

"I'd like to apologize to you, Jungkook," I said evenly. "I had no business saying anything I did or making you feel uncomfortable in the workspace. I assure you that it was probably your poor luck that the first time I misbehaved in my professional career was with you, but I can assure you that it was the last time. You don't have to walk on eggshells near me. I sincerely apologize for my actions. As the CEO, and as your boss, I am requesting you to forgive me."

His body went slack at probably my honesty. He took a moment to gulp and then exhaled. He looked like he didn't come prepared. Did he think I was the asshole who wouldn't admit his mistake?

As he fumbled with words, I only hoped he wouldn't reject my apology. "Things happen, Mr. Park," he said in a light tone dismissively. "Please don't think too much about it. I have not been taken seriously because of my age in the positions I worked. Please know that I was defensive because I didn't want anyone to think I was granted favors or special treatment because of anything other than my work. I am here to work hard, learn, and get rightfully recognized for it. Anything else is the last on my mind. I am sorry, too."

He had crushed any hope I'd left so gently that I couldn't even scream. I nodded.

Understanding that this was the end of our conversation, he gave me a tentative smile and left, leaving me alone to pick up the pieces of his havoc from everywhere.

Well. That was that. What was I now supposed to do with these hurtful feelings?

His reason was very valid, and I'd be damned if I came in his way, especially when I knew what success meant to him. I needed to find another way.

For the time being, I held my head and breathed, knowing that time would let things take its course. Stunned for long minutes, I just let myself feel the ache as I sat down on my chair and closed my eyes.

Long minutes passed. Licking my wounds, I stood up while shrugging into my blazer, and headed out to Jungkook's campaign.

The best thing I could do for myself and Jungkook was to work, the only thing I knew better than everything else.

➽────────❥

༻5 Feb 2025༺