♧Inner Demon♧

Dear Mama,

For along time I've always known that my friend is not who he seemed to be.

But I overlooked this fact because I wanted to give him a chance. That was until I realized that he had been lying all along.

But my feelings couldn't possibly be a lie, right?

Also, Onii-sama has gotten more obsessed lately. He's also watching me like a hawk in case I escape.

What to do?

Yours,

M. A.

♧Inner Demon♧

It's weird to lose sight of myself. I know that I used to be very violent a long time ago but my level of discipline and control far exceeds my tendency to hurt others.

Times have passed and I regret the things I've done.

Onii-sama would always tell me that it isn't my fault but it was the 'blood' in my veins doing this but until now, I don't believe him.

There must be some part of me that was wrong because I was capable of hurting others and taking pleasure from doing so.

I knew I was scary if I wanted to be, with my odd colored eyes and all. My albinism would have contributed as an intimidating factor since I've always been very different from others. I don't even look like my parents, not one bit.

Moreover, I'm not a good person. Anyone could tell that just by looking at me, I walk the line between black and white, hating the idea of hurting people but not shying from it.

I've always known that the world isn't kind to anyone and if you wanted things to go your way, you sometimes have to be ruthless.

However, I am also human enough to atleast care for another. I know how to feel just like any other.

Emotions and feelings are normal to me. Whether it be happiness, sadness or guilt. Anger, I could control but there has always been limits and exemptions to the rule.

I care about my friends and my brother. Mahiru, the simple minded brunette gave light to my dull life while my younger brother, Misono became my purpose in living.

Without them, I wouldn't be here. They mean a lot to me for making me who I am today.

But there's also Onii-sama who's been by my side ever since we left that place. Onii-sama is the only person who really knows the real me.

He's been there every step of the way. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if he wasn't there.

And it led me to the conclusion that I could not imagine a life where Onii-sama wasn't present.

♧Inner Demon♧

I would plan to write another letter but stops anyway because they end up getting wet

♧Inner Demon♧

In hindsight, I could've continued on with my facade and lies. But there was just something so frustrating about the situation that made me snap and lose my control.

I could barely bare seeing that look of hurt in my bestfriend's eyes but Misono getting injured by one of my 'friends' is another thing even though I tried to protect him. But... I guess it wasn't enough.

Then there's Lily.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Did Lily still care for me or was it simply out of obligation? If he cared, he wouldn't have erased Misono's memories of me. He wouldn't have intercepted my letters to my brother.

I felt so stupid waiting, always hoping that one day, someday, Misono would return my letters and tell me that he misses his Onee-chan.

Everytime I look at Lily now, a heavy feeling in my chest, like razor sharp claws digging deep inside me without restraint would be present. My ears, for a moment seemed as though they were dysfunctional.

It hurts.

It really hurts.

Why is it that some of the people I've trusted decided to betray me?

I sighed and closed my eyes. That was it. Everyone will try to betray me.

One way or another..

♧Inner Demon♧

"Miki-chan, are you awake? You've been unconscious all day, you should be starving by now. Your Onii-chan is going to prepare something for you to eat!"  My brother said while I kept my eyes glued to the ceiling, not responding.

"Miki-chan..?"

I closed my eyes, fisting my hands on the covers.

"Misono got hurt.." I told him, almost in a whisper.

I felt a weight beside me as the bed dipped a little. A warm hand placed itself on my cheek and I moved my hand a little to hold it.

"I couldn't protect him.." I went on, blinking as my hand tightened.

"And he doesn't even remember me.."

I bit my lip to stop it from shaking before continuing.

"He never received my letters." I started.

"I've been writing so many."

"For a long time, I wanted to hear atleast one answer.."

"A reason... any kind of explanation.."

"...why he didn't return any of it?"

"Was it all u-useless...?"

"Were my f-feelings.. so l-light that he never felt it..?"

I hiccup'ed.

"Did I ever m-matter to him..?"

"All those feelings I've poured inside those letters.."

"...all of them seemed nothing now."

"But then he never really read any of them..."

"M-My feelings..."

"They never reached him." I finished, tears rolling down my face uncontrollably.

♧Inner Demon♧

Onii-sama held me for as long as I can remember while I cried myself to sleep.

♧Inner Demon♧

A beeping noise rang like the heart monitor in that white room where I used to sleep. Sounds of liquids and chemicals being poured to my bloodstream felt so vaguely nostalgic and familiar at the moment that I stood there, frozen and completely rigid without moving any of the muscles in my body.

I suddenly felt the phantom pain of being stabbed repeatedly, of my neck being strangled in a vice like grip and my wrists bending in a twisted way of sorts. The sounds of bones breaking and shattering inside my body, like a goddamn chain reaction made my heart beat faster, wildly against my chest as it fought to jump out.

I knew that all of this was just a pigment of my imagination, of a memory long forgotten when I was still young and naive. But it was obvious to say that the horrifying events of that night were real.

Breathing felt so constricted and forbidden as my body became petrified on my spot. Time seemed to stop as blood flew in the air and my unusually sharp eyes watch as the first droplet hit the ground with a silent thud. No one could hear it but me, no one could hear except my unnaturally sharp and keen ears that is capable of hearing even the smallest of sounds.

My eyes blew wide, of course. I was shaking and trembling from my head to my toes then I remembered that I did not only fear the pain from my memories but the pain my whole being felt from the betrayal of a friend.

"MITSUKI!" His voice echoed loudly.

I was ignorant and so naive until he came and taught me a lot of things. I trusted him and taught he was my friend.

Now though...

Everything we ever did together, seemed like a lie.

♧Inner Demon♧

"Mitsuki!"

I gasped.

My eyes snapped open.

My fingers were trembling and I looked around in an almost frightened manner.

"You were having a nightmare. What did you dream about?"

"Sakuya." I uttered lowly and a dark look crossed his face at my admittance. I instantly regret telling him.

♧Inner Demon♧

I care about Mahiru.

Although I never really had the greatest of all talents compared to him. I don't even know how to comfort a pubescent teen from an emotional breakdown of having one of his friends betray him.

Though 'betray' seemed appropriate, it wasn't. The three of us, we have our own faults for not being true to each other because we thought that everything we were doing was to protect our friends.

I just wished it didn't have to be this way.

♧Inner Demon♧

For some time, I cried myself to sleep again, asking all the hows and whys there is.

♧Inner Demon♧

It took a lot of self control on my part not to pull Misono for another hug. A thousand questions rang through my head but I stopped myself.

He looked so unusually pale. He has always been pale but not like this.

And he's so small...

So fragile like a porcelain glass. I used to hold him close to me, smiling uncharacteristically while humming a sweet lullaby. I miss the time that he was still young and innocent, hidden from the horrors of reality and sheltered from the bloody truth of our family.

Mama, what would you say?

Misono made that decision on his own and he was ready for the consequences of his actions. He grew up to be such a good person now.

He cares for his friends a lot that he even went to practice just so he could impress Mahiru. I know because I was watching him from a distance.

He is strong now..

But why..

Why do I feel as though it was my fault?

Mama, I don't know what to do. Was it always this hard to make decisions before? What happened to not caring?

But I care about Misono. He still got hurt and I couldn't do anything at all. Instead, I was passed out and completely useless. What was the point of me being there if I couldn't even protect my little brother?

And Mahiru..

Don't even get me started on Mahiru..

"Miki-chan, are you okay?" My brother said. "It's fine! Onii-chan is here now so you don't have to feel scared!"

Onii-sama knows.

But he still puts on that mask of his, looking completely oblivious but knowingly calling out to me.

'It's hard. But bare with it.. Or do you want to go home now?'

Onii-sama cares.

But he doesn't say it out loud because we aren't really sentimental.

Mahiru is looking confusedly between me and Onii-sama. He is making such a funny face that its almost enough to vanish my worries and anxiety.

Oh, Mahiru. If only you knew.

♧Inner Demon♧

"You've been staring at your food for a while now."

Someone lightly nudged my shoulder.

"H-Huh?"

"Aren't you going to eat?"

I looked at the tall form of the Servamp of Envy beside me before looking down on my plate with my food barely touched.

I looked at the clock, surprised to see that I was lost in my own mind that half an hour had passed.

I leaned on my chair as I placed the chopsticks down.

I don't feel hungry anymore. The food has gotten cold too.

♧Inner Demon♧

"Miki-chan, so you passed out immediately after drinking the pill huh?" Glasses-kun stated, but he said it more to himself than me.

"It only means that your body is changing."

I felt petrified from what I heard before I raised my chin.

"I see." I said airily. "Tai-chan is going to be too happy when he hears this. "

"MikuMiku isn't going to like this but it was inevitable and to think I was the one to discover this first! Oh, how enlightening, experiencing such breakthrough ~!"

I snorted.

♧Inner Demon♧

It's only been a few hours but I can't seem to relax or sleep at all. I'm usually good at distracting myself from my problems but I was too worried and too stupid like the pubescent teen that I was.

I stared at the phone on the table, as I was seating primly on my seat while sucking on the lollipop in my hand. My eyes were blank and it neither showed any signs of anxiety or frustration yet the heavy feeling in my chest was unmistakably weighing me down.

I feel an itch in my skin but I can't bring myself to move. I fear as though if I move, I would end up looking so desperate and pathetic.

I didn't want that.

But if I don't make a move, I would slowly lose my sanity and I would end up going crazy from all the questions in my mind. Different kinds of scenarios were entering my head.

Are you okay?

I wanted to ask, just anything to atleast reassure me and to ease this heavy burden in my chest.

"Okaeri, Miki-chan ~" Onii-sama is waving his hand at me but my gaze doesn't move at all.

He chuckles slightly and moves infront of me to block my view of the phone.

"Now, now... If Miki-chan wants to talk to Misono, nothing is stopping you." He carefully worded. My eyes widened in irritation as I gently shoved his face away from me.

"Nii-sama, screw you. " He gasped.

"Such foul language, young lady!"

"Onii-sama.... I don't have time for your hysterics. "I tonelessly said without averting my eyes from the object that I am seconds away from touching.

"MITSUKI!!!"He screeched in horror."Where did you learn such language!? Who taught you?! Was it that man!?"

I sighed. "Tsurugi-senpai has nothing to do with this."

"Senpai?! You still call him with that kind of honorific?!"

"Because I really like senpai. That's it." I replied nonchalantly.

Nii-sama screamed and cried as he run out of the room crying, as if I just said the most blasphemous thing ever.

I don't really care since I only heard some things like 'Miki-chan is too young to have a boyfriend!' or 'My kawaii imouto is being fooled by that hound!' and 'I can't accept this!'

"How long are you planning to stare at your phone, Miki-chan?"

"Glasses-kun, how is your research? "

"Oh, its fine, fine, fine. How about you?

"Peachy."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were avoiding the topic."

I frowned. "I just don't feel like explaining or talking to anyone right now."

"Hmm... But Miku-Miku is being gross by eyeing you from the corner.

"Johanne!"

"See..?"

"Mmm... Onii-sama is just being dramatic. I'm fine." It's so easy to say it, this words that serves as my single chance to stay sane.

The vampire scholar doesn't say anything but he understands and he doesn't dare talk to me after that, knowing that I want to be left alone to my own devices right now.

If I didn't know him personally, I'd say that Glasses-kun is very uncaring and indifferent but for the short amount of time we've spent together, he's grown fond of me, albeit reluctantly.

I didn't really wished for it to happen but it wasn't anything we could stop ourselves. Forming bonds with people, it occurs naturally.

Just like the bonds that I formed with Sakuya and Mahiru, and the fragile bonds that I've formed with my younger brother and Onii-sama.

Even Tai-chan and Tsurugi-senpai was someone who atleast had a meaning to me.

They were important, but in a whole different way than that of someone with familial ties.

Someone tapped me on my shoulder but I did not bother looking up.

"Don't...look...so frustrated." A low baritone voice sad. The familiar voice of a male alerted me to Jeje-san's presence.

Despite what he is, he actually cares for me, albeit reluctantly like Glasses-kun. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but he was able to give me courage with his words alone.

I think..

That the only person I respect right now is Jeje-san.

Even though he was the one person stained with so much blood that night, hate was something I never felt for the Servamp of Envy.

"Okay." I simply said as I nodded my head. I stood up, went to the table and slowly picked up the phone.

I scrolled on the screen and gently tapped the call button.

I placed the gadget beside my left ear as I waited for the other line to respond. It was one of the longest 30 seconds of my life.

Though a part of me, hoped that it wasn't Lily who would answer. I wanted Misono to answer, to speak and to let me hear his voice.

"Hello, who's this? This is Misono Alicein speaking."

For quite some time, I stared and stared at the infinite particles of space, not daring to open my mouth as I repeated the voice of my brother inside my head for dozens of times.

I felt quite crazy to do this but grief and hope would do that to you so in my heart, I weeped and cried with joy that it was almost embarrassing.

I stayed silent and rigid for quite a while that I don't even register Misono speaking anymore.

But after realizing my own stupidity, I calmed down and cleared my thoughts. Taking a deep breath and exhaling through my mouth, I hardened my gaze at nothing.

That's when I had the courage to finally speak.

"I'm glad you're okay, Misono."

♧Inner Demon♧

For the last time, I cried and never did it again.