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"Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside. I love you like I've never felt the pain."

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IT STARTS slowly, like an earthquake beginning to rumble. It's nothing but a light tremble starting with my fingertips and travelling up my body, soon overtaking my body so much that I can't hold myself up any longer. I fall to my knees and gasp at the disaster that is about to become of me. Tears fall from my eyes like a thunder storm and my body rattles like an earthquake and before I know it, my mind had erupted like a volcano, spilling painful rays at everyone in the room as they all stare at me in shock.

It's all happening so quickly but at the same time it feels as if everything has stopped spinning, because in a way my whole world has stopped spinning. It stopped the moment James died, but for a while it started up again. Now, staring at my dead twin who lays several feet in front of me do I feel my world stop. Now one of my brothers is dead and my Theo has been taken to his death.

I thought loosing James would break me and for a while it did. My heart had been stabbed and bruised, but now it's just destroyed; there is nothing left of it.

I don't even feel the words that leave my lips as I don't think about them. There isn't anything you can say after just finding out your twin is dead. All you can do is grieve.

"Blair?" Damon questions, walking over to me.

I can feel Joel at my side as my vision is non existent thanks to the violent storm of tears that have taken over. He places a hand on my shoulder but I don't feel it- not immediately at least. All I feel is the pain.

"Blair, listen to me," Damon says gently, his tone expressing nothing but calmness considering after all this time I thought he'd be mad at me. I guess considering the situation anger isn't a very appropriate response. We've both just lost a part of us. We've both just lost our sibling.

"No," I whisper, not making eye contact with him.

"Damon, don't," Joel warns. Only Joel knows what's happened today. Only he knows Stefan isn't the only one I've lost.

Damon as usual ignores what people tell him, and instead kneels down to my level, pressing his hands firmly on my shoulders forcing me to look him in the eyes. As I stare into his icy blue eyes that are shining with tears do I remember how much our eyes are alike, how much they remind me of my mother's. I can only imagine how mine look right now over flowing with tears.

"I'm going to fix this okay? I'm going to fix everything. I just need time," he assures me, although I know he's partially assuring himself as well. I know he's taken it into his responsibility to fix this, as to be honest I'm perfectly fine with that considering I haven't even come to terms of what's actually happened.

"No Damon, you don't understand," Joel yells, pulling Damon out of his shocked trance.

"What don't I understand, Branson?" Damon snaps, all of us overcome with emotions. I can see Elena and Caroline out of the corner of my eye, but I'm too broken down to say anything, too in shock.

"The Travellers! They took Theo, and they're going to use him to finalize the spell to eliminate witch magic permanently. With Theo, they'll be able to expand their spell further than Mystic Falls, meaning all of us are going to end up on the other side," Joel explains furiously in a panic.

"But the other side, it's falling apart," Elena speaks up, her eyes too sparkling with tears. "Bonnie told me." 

I stop crying at the mention of Bonnie's name, realizing there's no way she's alive. She died bringing Jeremy back to life the night James died. "Bonnie," I whisper. "Bonnie is dead," I murmur quietly, weakly.

"Listen Blair, you've missed a hell of a lot and you picked quite the time to come back," Damon jokes lightly, smiling slightly. "But we're going to figure this out. We're going to find a way to save Theo too okay?" Damon says before standing up again.

"Alright, Joel you and me are going to talk to dumb and dumber- a.k.a Donovan and little Gilbert and figure out this boundary thing and how to stop the Travellers while Elena you go get us some witches," Damon instructs, already starting to form a plan.

"You mean Liv and Luke witches?" she questions with a raised brow, even though I have no idea who these people are.

"Precisely," Damon says.

"What about me?" Caroline asks, sniffling up her own tears.

"Blondie, I need you to stay here with my sister until we get back," Damon says, his eyes glued on me as he fears for my unstable state.

Everyone nods and goes their separate ways leaving Caroline and I alone in the giant room. I slowly rise from my knees and approach my brother's body, laying on the couch and grabbing his hand. He feels so cold, so still that all I can think about is how almost two years ago I was doing the same thing. I left this town hoping to have a fresh start, and now that I've come back I'm doing the same thing all over again: grieving.

"Blair," Caroline says, trying to clear the awkward silence between us.

"How did this happen?" I ask abruptly in between all the tears.

Caroline sighs. "It was the traveller inside Tyler, he showed up and wanted revenge for something so stupid," Caroline whispers, her voice threatening to crack as she's close to tears.

Tyler must have escaped from Joel earlier, but been caught by the Travellers who then used Joel to lure me and Theo into a trap where they could take Theo.

I sniffle and choke down the tears that have overtaken my body and slowly turn to Caroline. As I look into her sky blue eyes that shine with tears do I feel a great wash of guilt as I remember what I did to her. I left without saying goodbye.

"I'm so sorry Care," I whisper. "I- you didn't deserve what I did to you." 

Her face softens as she realizes what I'm talking about. After all this time apart she still doesn't let her feelings get in the way of other's. "You hurt me you know," she says with a croak. "What you did really hurt me Blair." She trembles, close to tears again.

"I know," I agree, looking down at Stefan's lifeless hand in mine. "I just needed to get out of here, out of this town." 

"You could've told me Blair. You could've at least said goodbye, or made a goddamn phone call, kept in touch!" she says, her voice raising. I know she's trying not to yell, but I can see how much I've hurt her. She's my best friend, and leaving unannounced was such a foolish thing that felt so right at the time.

"I'm sorry!" I yell, letting go of Stefan's hand and standing up. "I should've told you, but I couldn't stand looking at you or any of you for Christ's sake. Every time I looked at any of you I was reminded of him, reminded of what I had lost!" I cry, feeling myself breaking down again.

"You didn't loose me!" Caroline yells back, hurt flashing across her eyes. "You never lost me," she whispers in a calmer tone.

"What about now?" I ask gently, fearing her response.

She purses her lips as tears fall down her cheeks. To my surprise, she shakes her head, and instead takes several steps forwards and embraces me in a much needed hug. "You haven't lost me Blair Salvatore," she whispers into my hair. "I think the real question is, have you lost yourself?" 

I let out a shaky breath and release her from the hug. "I don't know who I am. I never knew," I say, staring down at the floor. It feels like I've lost everything. It feels as if I've become a different person who is nothing like the Blair I knew.

"Well, I know who you are," she says, causing me to glance back up. "You're the girl who survived 145 years in a tomb all alone, after having her memories erased. You're the girl who woke in the 21st century scared and frightened, but still kept going. You're the girl who helped me when I had no one, who showed me the way of becoming a vampire. You're the girl who faced Klaus Mikaelson with a smirk on her face and strength on her shoulders. You're the girl who conquered her fear of love," Caroline says sincerely, but she's not finished. 

"You're the girl who adopted a little boy who needed your help, and who survived such a horrendous heartbreak. You're the girl who is standing in front of me now despite everything that makes her want to fall."

"That's who you are Blair," Caroline smiles, placing her hand on mine.

I purse my lips and smile as a single tear falls from my eye. "I came all this way to help, yet I feel like I'm useless. I've missed so much that I have no idea what's going on," I laugh lightly.

"Well, maybe there is one thing we can help with," Caroline says, before grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hallway.

∆ ∆ ∆

Caroline explained the basics of what I had missed in the car ride from Whitmore to the cemetery where I was told we needed to go. It was an odd place to meet really, but I guess it was the closest place we could get to Mystic Falls without stepping over the anti-magic boarder.

Apparently as Caroline tells me, I've missed a great feud between Silas the the witch Qetsiyah who apparently caused Stefan some memory loss. Then, there was this whole Katherine problem who had the cure drained out of her, meaning she should've died but instead took the body of Elena. The best part was when Caroline tells me Katherine had a daughter which just adds to the drama. Finally, she tells me Katherine died which I already knew, but what's news to me is the fact that Elena has now officially moved on from Stefan to Damon.

It shouldn't be a surprise really as I could see how it would all play out, but it still doesn't change the fact that Stefan had to go through such pain of loosing someone he thought he would be with forever. In a way Stefan and I have both lost people who we saw a future with, it just so happens one of them is still alive.

And then there's Bonnie, who did in fact die like I thought she did, but in some miracle they were able to replace Elena's other doppleganger who was the anchor to the other side to Bonnie. In that way, Bonnie is now the person who has one foot in this world and one foot in the other side. It's crazy really, which is why I understand Caroline bringing me to this cemetery; she's bringing me to Bonnie.

I can hear Bonnie's familiar voice up ahead standing in the Salvatore tomb. I try my best not to tense up at the fear of confronting someone who will once again remind me of what I lost. But I realize I also lost Bonnie that day, and I never got the chance to properly grieve her. She had tried to save James. I know she tried but in the end she was only able to save Jeremy while killing herself. I don't blame her for it, nor should I because Bonnie has been the only one to completely throw her life on the line for people who she isn't even sure would do the same thing for her. She's risked her life for me, a vampire she hates and in return I've risked my life for her. I know we don't particularly like one another, but I think we've grown past hating one another.

"Bonnie?" Caroline calls as we step foot inside the tomb.

My eyes immediately land on Bonnie's who stares at me in shock. "Blair, w-I-," she stutters, not knowing exactly what to say. I'm not as close with Bonnie as I am Caroline, but I still consider her my friend.

Before Bonnie has a chance to find the words to say, I take exactly three steps forwards and engulf her in a hug. I feel her laugh against our embrace, and that's enough to send a smile on my lips. We break apart seconds later, my hands still on her arms. "I'm glad you're alive, truly," I smile.

She smiles back and quickly glances down at the floor. "Well, it hasn't been a joy ride, I'll tell you that," she laughs, causing all three of us to laugh with her.

It brings me familiar joy just standing here with Bonnie and Caroline, our laughs all blending together in a pleasing sound. In some ways, it's just like things use to be but I just wish they could be under better circumstances.

"How are you?" Bonnie suddenly asks, her gaze returning to me.

"I could be better." I shrug, not wanting to think about what has happened in the past twenty four hours.

"Hey," Bonnie says gently, giving me a reassuring smile. "We'll find Theo, and we'll find a way to get our friends back." Bonnie smiles.

I scrunch my brows in confusion. "What do you mean 'get our friends back'?" I question.

"Well, you see Marcos was able to come back from the dead by overwhelming the anchor, and BonBon here has been working on a way to do the same thing," Damon says, suddenly appearing behind us, Elena by his side.

Their words are taking slower to process in my already overwhelmed brain, but somewhere between all the confusion I'm starting to understand what they're saying. However, I refuse to believe them out of the sake of saving myself from more pain.

"What are you saying, Damon?" I ask, turning around so my full attention is on him.

"I'm saying Blair that if this works, we'll be able to bring back everyone from the other side," Damon says calmly, his eyes staring intently into mine as he awaits my reaction.

As I think about who is on the other side, my mind immediately goes to the one I have just lost. "You mean Stefan?" I ask in shock, forgetting the bigger picture.

My mind is too overwhelmed to think deeper, to think of something that happened so long ago. I spent so much time grieving the loss of him, learning to live without him that I've become accustomed to the fact that he'll never come back- that James will never come back.

"James too, Blair. We'll be able to bring James back too."

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[completed & edited: 09/23/2021]