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"I couldn't stand the person inside me, so I turned all the mirrors around."

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OUT OF THE several words that left Joel's mouth only two stuck out to me, sticking out like sore thumbs: Mystic Falls.

I shake my head at Joel as we stay standing in front of Tyler, trying to come up with some sort of response, but I can't even conjure up the right words to say. Instead I quickly spin around and trudge up the stairs, storming past the living room where Christina and Logan sit watching TV and instead march into the kitchen to grab myself a refreshment. I reach into the fridge and bite off the cap of a blood bag, letting the cold liquid slide down my throat.

The fact that Joel would want to go back baffles me, especially after everything we've built for ourselves here. He knows just as much as I do that going back to Mystic Falls is only going to rip open the deep wound engraved in our hearts that has only now started to heal.

I hear footsteps behind me and close my eyes angrily, before spinning around on my heels. Joel stands in front of me with a look of sadness, which is not at all what I expected him to show. "How could you even say that?" I snap, more angered that he isn't angry if that makes any sense. "How could you even suggest going back to that shit town!" I yell with more aggression.

But Joel doesn't respond, doesn't even change facial expression. His frozen posture angers me, as I want him to explain himself, but for some reason I know he won't give me that satisfaction. He's just as stubborn as me, if not more. "Why would you want to go back there!" I say. "You know what awaits you! You know what used to be there! That town is dead to me, dead to us yet you still want to go back!" 

He still doesn't react so I take it a step further.

"Tell me Joel!" I shout, pushing him hard against his chest. The force of my push sends him back a few steps, but I'm not strong enough to do anything more to him. "Tell me why you want to go back to a town that screams of his name, that haunts us with his presence! Tell me why you want to go back to a town that has done no good for us, that has trapped us from moving on. The moment you go back Joel, everything is going to hit you again. You're going to feel the pain all over again! Every second every moment you spent grieving will slap you all at once and sooner or later you're going to break all over again!" I yell, my voice cracking slightly. "And I sure as hell am not ready to break, when I've just begun to heal." 

"Answer me!" I shout. "Do you really want to go back to a place where his body is laid?" I yell more aggressively, my blue eyes wild and enraged with fury. "Why won't you answer me?" I ask in a more defeated way, sadness slowly replacing the anger. Slowly I can feel the anger draining away, like water draining through a sink.

"Because you need to let it out," he says in defeat. "I know you don't want to go back there, and frankly neither do I. I know what awaits us there, and I know the pain that will come along with it. That pain will always be there, but this is something we have to do. If not for Tyler, or your brothers, than for Theo," Joel says calmly, pleading with me. "We need to do it for Theo."

Deep down I know that if we don't do something, the Travellers are going to get suspicious, and possibly find Theo and I again if they aren't already looking. I know we need to help Tyler, but for some reason all I want is for things to remain normal. I just want things to go back to normal like they were two days ago. I want Christina to be human, Logan to keep his werewolf secret, and for the Travellers to go away.

But I know that will never happen, and the only thing I can do is help Tyler help everyone else back home. I know that I should, but in all honesty I don't want to. Not only because of the painful memories filling Mystic Falls, but because of the life I live now too. As up to this point I've been living a fairly normal life and I don't want that to end. However I know that as long as I'm a vampire, my life will never be normal.

Instead of arguing further, I shake my head and storm up the stairs directly to my room. I slam the door and collapse against it, slowly sinking to the floor as I press both my shaking hands to my temple, trying to keep myself together. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop the feeling of sadness and pain as it rises from my stomach from my throat, escaping through the form of quiet sobs and tears that run down my cheeks.

I know Joel can hear me from downstairs, so I keep by body against the door to keep him from coming in. I'm not mad at him, or at least I don't think I am. Emotions are flying by me all the time, and sometimes I have no idea which ones I'm dealing with.

I jump as there's a knock on the door, the knock sending the door vibrating against my back. I draw in a shaky breath as I wipe the palms of my hands across my dampened cheeks. "Go away!" I croak, my voice raw and raspy from the sobs that took over seconds ago.

"Blair?" Logan calls out. I gasp slightly at his voice, not expecting him to be the one on the other side. He's never seen me in such a state before. Frankly no one really sees me this broken down as I don't usually break down in front of others. At least I didn't use to.

"I'm fine okay? Please go away," I plead, desperate to hear his footsteps walking away but I'm not so lucky.

"Blair just open up," Logan presses, his voice muffled by the door that separates us.

"No," I say.

"Please?" he asks nicely.

"No." 

"You're so stubborn," Logan sighs, but for a split second I swear it isn't Logan talking, but rather him. James.

"That's what he use to say," I whisper, before breaking down further into an uncontrollable sob. At the sound of my melt down, Logan twists the door knob and tries to push his way in, but my body is still blocking the doorway. He pushes harder as I slump effortlessly against the door, not bothering to stand my place as he pushes the door so hard, he pushes me along with it. He opens the door ever so slightly, just enough for him to get in before he closes it again. He slumps down on the ground beside me and places an arm around my body to bring me close.

As he holds me tightly as I cry, I realize this is the first time I have totally exposed myself to Logan. Up to this point, Logan has only been a close friend, a co-worker who I spend my long days with. He makes me laugh and makes me feel welcome, both feelings that never involved sadness. Now I feel as if I've completely exposed myself to him, as to expose myself to someone I feel comfortable enough with them to cry. I realize we're not so different after all, as each of us thought the other to be normal while hiding our own dark secrets.

"Tell me about him," Logan says, resting his head against the door as his arm stays draped across my shoulder, comforting me as I try and compose myself. I take in deep breaths to keep the sobs under control, and wipe the tears that still spill out from my eyes.

"What?" I ask, baffled that he would even ask that question as he clearly knows why I'm crying in the first place.

"You promised me you would tell me about him, in exchange I told you about how I triggered my werewolf curse," he explains. "I want to know how you met this James, and I want to know your favourite moment together."  

I begin to tremble at the thought of thinking of James again, and diving deep into our shared past but I know Logan is only trying to help. Maybe in some way talking about James will help.

"I don't know if I can," I whisper.

"You can, it's just you're afraid, and I get that. I was afraid to talk about my family, or my addiction but in the end it turned into something great. After the night I accidentally killed my family and the cops declared it an animal attack, I was put into a rehab centre before foster care, and there I met the one and only Christina who was struggling with the same problem I was. She was the first person I ever talked openly to about my family, leaving out the werewolf part of course," Logan whispers lowly. "I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that talking about it is the only way to face the fear your mind has placed you in, the fear of remembering." 

I nod slightly and take in a deep, shaky breath before attempting to try his suggestion. Although talking about the memories James and I share isn't something I am particularly excited for, at this point anything is worth a shot.

"We met in a complicated way really but it all started back in 1863," I say, and at the mention of the year, Logan's brows go up making a small smile form on my lips before I continue. 

"He came into town that year in search for something else, a moonstone but disguised his trip as an apprentice job and stayed at my house where my father taught him. Long story short, he was looking for some moonstone to hold against his ex-best friend Klaus Mikaelson, which happened to be in the possession of someone at our house," I say, trying to find the right words to tell my story right. As I speak the words, the tears stop and I'm able to speak clearly and without a shaky voice.

"I was pissed to say the least that someone else was staying in our house, and even more pissed that my brothers left me alone most of the time to chase after some girl. Usually it was just James and I in the house at night, and every night we found ourselves talking, becoming closer and I realized I had grown a liking to him even thought I never planned to. He was so open to me, and so honest. He was the one person in my life at the time I felt like I could truly trust, and he trusted me too. He trusted me so much that he introduced me to his friend Elijah, and even his sister," I say with a smile, remembering the scene perfectly in my head. 

The way he introduced me to Elijah and Lexi is something I can never seem to not smile about, as he had introduced me with such pride, like he knew our future was bright.

"But that's when things took a turn, and I ended up as a vampire. It was Klaus's doing really, but that's another story for another time," I whisper, picking at my finger nails.

"What happened after that? Did he help you with becoming a vampire?" Logan asks.

"Yes, he did." I smile, remembering that night I woke up beside him, after Elijah had brought me to him. His face was stained with tears, but he held my hand in his and spoke with such confidence I believed everything was going to be okay. 

"I stayed with him alone for a week while I learned to adapt to my new abilities, and at that time my family had thought me to be dead. Long story short, my father found out what I was, and handed me over to the council where they placed me in a tomb for the next 145 years," I say clearly, speaking with anger as I remember that night in my head.

"Just before that however, Klaus showed up and compelled away all my memories of James, as his last act of vengeance before I went into the tomb," I say. "But my witch friend Emily showed up last minute just as they were about to seal the tomb and placed a telepathic communication link between James and I, making it so we could speak in each other's mind. At that point however, I had already had my memory of him erased." I

"Jesus." Logan mutters. "Blair I, I never knew so much of this had happened- I'm sorry. You don't have to-"

"No," I say, a bit too harshly, cutting him off. "I need to talk about this. It's working I think," I say before continuing from where I left off. 

"I was left in that tomb for 145 years all by myself as my brothers thought me to be dead, and James thought me to be missing. But after 145 years the tomb reopened again and I found myself in the 21st century." 

"So that's how you two first met?" Logan concludes.

"Pretty much," I say quietly, not having enough energy to speak any louder.

"How about your favourite memory of him and you?" Logan asks.

I laugh. "There's too many," I say with a smile, staring down at my hands that stay folded in my lap.

"Well, pick one," Logan chuckles, squeezing my shoulder gently.

"Well," I sigh, thinking of the time when I realized I loved James, whether I was ready to admit it or not. "Almost two years ago we had a dinner party to welcome Elijah back into town, when in reality my brothers wanted to dagger him. James and I however, were opposed to that plan and managed to prevent them from doing so, or for a little while at least," I say. "That night was the one night where I had felt like I didn't always have to watch my back because I knew James would be there. That night I felt like someone actually cared enough about me to put their feelings aside to help me." 

"That night my brothers were so caught up in their plan they were willing to put me in danger, but James was the one who had my back. James stood up for me, and never once got mad that I didn't remember him. And at that moment, I knew I loved James. I knew that he was the one person I could trust even more than my own brothers, and that alone was saying a lot. I was just too scared to admit my feelings, as the feeling of love was a terrain I had no map of," I conclude, smiling with watery eyes as I admit my past to Logan who sits silently by my side.

"Did you ever admit those feelings towards him?" Logan questions with hope.

"In the end I did, but I just wish we had more time," I whisper. Logan places his other hand on mine and smiles at me.

"James sounded like a wonderful man Blair, he really did. I wish I got a chance to meet him. I can tell he changed your life. I see it every time you mention his name." Logan smiles sadly, pursing his lips.

"Yeah," I whisper.

"I know you don't think you've healed Blair, but you have," Logan suddenly says, getting up and pulling me along with him.

"How do you know?" I ask in curiosity, because in all honesty I don't feel completely healed.

"I mean pain wise, it'll always be there. I still carry pain around, but Blair you were able to tell your story without breaking down and that means you've healed," Logan says sincerely. He speaks with such empathy, such kindness that I believe his words.

"Come on," he says. "You should get some sleep," he says while walking over to my bed and getting it ready. I slip off my shoes and climb under the covers, not bothering to change as my mind is too tired.

Once I'm in he pulls the covers up and gives me one last smile before walking to the door. "Thank you, Logan," I say.

He turns around and smiles before opening the door. However as he opens the door, he reveals Joel who stands outside it, staring directly at me, his eyes filled with concern. Logan passes Joel with a simple nod before Joel walks over to the side of my bed.

"Are you mad at me?" Joel questions.

"No, I'm not mad." I sigh. "I think I just need some time, you know? Tomorrow I'm going to go back to work and try and get things normal again," I say.

Joel nods. "I'll go pick Theo up from next door and put him to bed then," he says, getting up.

"Joel!" I shout, stopping him before he can leave. He turns around and raises his brow. "How did you know I needed to let it out?" I ask him.

"Because I feel the same way," he whispers. His words send my eyes filling with tears, as he walks over to the bed and places a kiss on my forehead. "Goodnight, Blair," he says, before turning off the light and closing the door.

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[completed & edited: 09/22/2021]