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"The strange silence surrounding me grows closer, feels colder, but I'm ready to suffer the sea."

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I HOLD THE  door open long enough for Joel to walk through, mean while keeping my hands secured tightly on the door handle to conceal my anger that's slowly building up inside. "Listen, I've had a hella long day, so say your peace and then leave please," I say, leaning against the door.

He purses his lips like he's debating what to say, but instead of saying some long apology he turns it back around to me. "How are you?" he asks, making me scowl.

"That's not why you came here," I mutter.

"Maybe it is," he shrugs, just as stubborn as I am. "Why is it so hard to believe that I still care about you?"

I scoff loudly and open my mouth wide. "Oh I don't know Joel, maybe it was the fact that out of the year and a half you've lived here, you haven't once bothered to look for me, and now you suddenly care? Please," I sarcastically say, anger fuelling this entire conversation.

"Remind me again who changed their phone number to prevent people from calling her? Who completely cut themselves out of their old life?" he fires back, sticking a finger accusingly at me.

 "You did Blair, so don't go throwing accusations when you're just as bad. I'll have you know, I tried to call you several times, but with a changed phone number it was a little hard, while this whole time you knew where to find me. You knew I worked at that bar, yet you once never came by," he yells, his voice threatening to wake Theo. "So tell me Blair, who here is really to blame?"

I frown and try and hold in the tears that are filling my eyes, creating a great amount of pressure all over my face. I know Joel is right, and I know I'm being a hypocrite right now, but all I can think about is how badly I want to cry. I want to let it all out, but I've been doing just that for the past year and I feel as if there's nothing left.

I stare at Joel, as his blue eyes search mine. They are gentle and soft, and all too understanding. They're filled with reasoning and sympathy as all they want to do is help me, to help me understand myself. I find in this moment, I feel as if I'm staring directly into his eyes. Not Joel's eyes, but rather James's.

I let out a light laugh in all the tension and wipe a tear from my eye. "You look so much like him," I say before walking over to the couch and sitting down.

Joel doesn't say anything as he sits across from me, leaning his elbows on his knees as he focuses on me. I bring my knees up to my chest and hide my face as I compose myself. A moment ago all I was feeling was anger, and now I'm feeling a mix of nostalgia and sadness, both feelings that go hand in hand.

"You didn't turn it off," Joel comments quietly. "Why?"

I sniffle and wipe my eyes as I lift my head. "It's not going to change anything," I shrug. "James is gone, and even if I come up the other end, nothing is going to change. He'll still just be gone." 

"Yeah," Joel agrees quietly. "For the longest time I thought about it, about how it would take this constant weight off my shoulders. You know, that constant pain of his memory that you drag around, feeling helpless against it's power?" he asks, and I nod. "But turning it off is only a temporary solution, and there's no point if this pain is eternal."

His words are all too true, and they hurt even for me. "I see him sometimes," I whisper, peaking Joel's interest. "In crowds of people I'll catch a glimpse of him walking by, or mistake one of my co-workers as him. It feels like his memory is haunting me, yet the only place where I can really feel his presence is sitting in his truck," I say.

"You still kept it, huh?" Joel laughs lightly, smiling at me.

"I had to," I shrug. "Have you heard from anyone?" I ask him. 

"No," he sighs. "I currently don't have a car or house, so..." 

"You can stay here with Theo and I, you know. We don't mind," I suggest, letting go of the argument we had earlier.

"No, it's okay. I'm searching for an apartment right now, but it's a little difficult than I thought." He chuckles.

I purse my lips but think back to a conversation I had with Logan and Christina a while ago. "Hey! I think I might know a place you could stay." 

∆ ∆ ∆

I knock three times on the door before I start pounding, careful not to force my hand too hard, afraid that I'll break the door. After five minutes of knocking someone finally opens the door with a giant scowl across his face.

"Good afternoon. We brought coffee!" I exclaim, holding out a tray of coffees to Logan who stands opposite to me with his pyjamas on. His hair is ruffled and his eyes are puffy meaning I've probably just woken him up.

"Blair, what the fuck it's Saturday," Logan mumbles, rubbing his eyes.

"I called you," I say with a shrug.

"But I didn't answer!" he exclaims, not moving over. Instead his eyes dart over to Joel who still stands by my side. I totally forgot why we came here in the first place.

"Oh yes, Logan this is my friend Joel. Joel, this is my co-worker Logan," I say, introducing the two of them.

Logan nods at Joel while Joel sends Logan a small wave, awkwardness taking over. "Jesus," I mutter. "I brought Joel here because you mentioned a week ago you were looking for a rent partner and I think I found you one," I explain, motioning to Joel.

Logan and Joel awkwardly exchange glances, taking one another in while I stand idly by and watch. It's extremely painful, and I have no idea what's going on exactly. "So..," I say. "Are you still interested in a roommate?" I ask.

"No pressure or anything, Blair and I thought we would just ask," Joel adds, noticing how hesitant Logan is appearing.

"It's a little short notice, Blair," he murmurs, glancing around at his cluttered apartment.

"Oh it's okay, don't worry about it man," Joel says, waving it off.

"No, no, it's okay. I just wasn't expecting people to show up this early in the morning," Logan says, waving it off as well. He sends Joel a kind smile, and for some reason I'm getting a weird vibe off the two of them. Almost as if they're nervous around each other.

"It's one in the afternoon," I say, confused as to how that's early.

"Exactly," Logan says, and Joel laughs, I glance over at Joel and see he's got a huge grin on his face, a smile I haven't seen in a long time. Just watching him smile makes me smile, and in this moment I actually feel okay. I feel like things are getting better, for Joel at least.

"So, will you take Joel in?" I ask.

"Make me sound like a homeless kid why don't ya," Joel scowls. 

I turn back to him. "I mean you are." 

"Sure, that's cool. Where's your furniture and stuff?" Logan asks Joel. I'm about to respond when suddenly Joel does.

"I don't really have anything. I've been living with my parents," Joel lies, but it's a decent and believable one.

"Oh okay, no problem," Logan says. I'm confused at first, as in the past Logan has refused many roommates during the interview, and so far I don't think Joel has passed any of the expectations. However, Logan seems to be making an exception for Joel and I don't know why.

"Hey, we should all go to a club tonight," Logan suggests, looking at Joel. I stand to the side, feeling as if I'm a bystander in the middle of their conversation.

"The bar downtown is hosting one tonight actually. I can get us in for free," Joel agrees, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The only time Joel puts his hands in his pockets is if he's nervous.

"That'd be awesome!" Logan says, smiling wide. I smile and glance mysteriously at the two of them before slowly backing away.

"So we'll meet at nine tonight?" I ask.

"Sounds good," Logan and Joel say at the same time, making me laugh.

∆  ∆  ∆

After buying Joel some furniture to help Logan out, we find ourselves standing outside the club waiting for Christina and Logan to arrive, seeing as Christina doesn't have a car. It's dark out, and the sun set a long time ago leaving Joel and I shivering outside the club waiting for them to arrive. It's already jam packed, but thankfully we can compel ourselves in anywhere. 

To be honest I have no idea why I'm even coming, seeing as I've banned myself from drinking alcohol of any kind. However, I sense that tonight I'm going to see myself relapse. I just hope the babysitter I compelled to watch Theo isn't too judgemental when I come home. 

"There they are," I breathe out, watching as Logan and Christina make their way up the sidewalk.

"Took you guys long enough," I say jokingly.

"Apparently going to a club requires a dress up, even though by the end of the night you're gonna look like hell," Logan comments, glaring at Christina who is dressed up in a tight red dress and high heels. I on the other hand have a simple black dress on with small black flats.

"See look Christina, Blair wore flats. You didn't need to wear ten inch high heels," Logan sneers, making Joel laugh.

"Blair is a mom, Logan and therefore it would be inappropriate if she wore these shoes," Christina says, defending herself although that only offends me.

"Excuse you, but I wore these shoes so I could dance," I say, hip bumping Joel who shakes his head with a grin.

"I'll be right back. I'll get us in," Joel says, walking all the way up to the front of the giant line and speaking to the guard. I can tell just by watching the interaction that Joel is doing nothing but compelling the man.

"So Blair, you never told us about Joel. How long have you two been dating?" Christina suddenly asks, Logan standing beside her waiting eagerly for my response.

I open my eyes wide and let out a laugh. "What?" I laugh. "You think..." I can't even speak I'm laughing too much. "You think we're dating?" 

"Well... you seem pretty close. That whole hip bump thing was cute too," Christina explains.

"It's nothing like that, trust me," I say. Logan listens intently at me, holding on to every word as he tries to figure Joel and me out. 

"Joel is my dead boyfriend's brother," I say, trying my best to speak steady at the mention of James.

"Ah I see," Christina says, just as Joel walks back over.

"We're all set. Follow me!" Joel says, leading the way.

We all walk past the giant line of people, and part of me feels bad that we get to enter first out of all these people just because of our vampire abilities. Never the less, we walk straight into the bar and find it jammed packed with people, music blaring and people dancing. It reeks of sweat, alcohol and a mix of body perfumes and the combination doesn't come off as pleasant, however it doesn't seem all that bad either. Basically the smells combine into a numb smell.

"I'm going to go get us some drinks!" Joel yells over the music.

The three of us nod and turn to look for a table but find that Christina is already on the dance floor, her high heels in hand as she lets her self loose. Logan and I laugh as we watch her hip bump a group of guys, as one takes her hand and twirls her around. The best part is that she isn't even drunk and she's already acting like this. Deep down I wish I could feel as free as her, yet I find myself strained by haunted memories of the last time I went partying. Every time I dance, something bad happens. Take the decade dance for example when Klaus showed up, the dance where I killed Mikael or prom when Silas showed up. Nothing good ever comes from dancing, so I stand my ground.

"You should talk to Joel," I say, turning to Logan.

"W-Why?" he stutters as if I've startled him.

"Because it's obvious you like him," I smile, nudging his arm lightly.

Logan laughs as his cheeks turn red. "That obvious huh?" he says, scratching the back of his neck.

I laugh. "You've got nothing to fear Logan. Joel is super gay, and I'm sure you two would make each other very happy." 

"You know what Blair? You're right," he agrees, before taking off in the direction Joel went.

I stand there in a crowd of people by myself with a smile on my face as I take in the scene around me. I find myself alone again, yet it doesn't bother me. It's almost peaceful. Almost, until a waiter comes up and disturbs my peace.

"Excuse me miss, but some guy wanted me to hand you this drink. He says it's on him," the waiter says, passing me some fancy margarita. I furrow my brows but take the drink, staring down at it. It screams at me to drink it, yet somehow drinking something I know no information about seems so wrong. Until I look up and see where it came from.

I look up and meet the familiar hazel blue eyes of James Branson.

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[completed & edited: 09/16/2021]