Aries: Today would be nicer if you weren't chained to a post and set on fire, but we make the best with what we got.

Taurus: Be sure to spend time bonding with your pet. Consider patrolling your home for intruders and eliminating them as a team.

Gemini: Support your friends and improve the group dynamic by also allowing a ritual candle to melt over your deer-skull mask. 

Cancer: The ultimate ability of customer service is the ability to cleave a man in two with a single blow. This is the apex of customer relations.

Leo: Today while gardening you will accidentally perform an arcane ritual that allows snakes to use firearms. This is not your fault, but still your responsibility.

Virgo: Your normal problem solving strategy of just slapping the shit out of something until it does what you want may run into some trouble when you encounter someone gains power when slapped.

Libra: Keep your struggles at a healthy distance by operating your computer with a long stick.

Scorpio: Its amazing how much stuff you realize isn't actually important after you completely forget to do it and nothing bad happens.

Sagittarius: One mans muck is another mans slime. Sludge is consistent across all human experience.

Capricorn: Do not take it as an insult to your skill when you are practicing your musical instrument of choice and the assassins arrive. They mixed up the address.

Aquarius: Luring adventurers with haunting melodies is not a career. Nobody is paying you, so its a hobby. For now.

Pisces: Speed up household chores by astral projecting a second pair of hands to fold your meta-laundry while you do your normal laundry.