Horoscope For The Week

Aries: It's one thing to keep your hopes up, and another to deny reality so hard you change it by sheer force of will. Either way, it gets the job done.

Taurus: Hold on to your dreams and don't let go! Your dreams will try to throw you as they run, and the smarter ones might try to smash you against the canyon walls. What're a few broken bones to a dream?

Gemini: Explore the untamed wild of your feelings for someone and get ripped apart by a troop of orangutans.

Cancer: Today you've got a 50% chance of transforming into a car permanently.

Leo: They're planning something. Nothing a little rafter eavesdropping cant solve.

Virgo: Your job today is to kill ghosts with a tire iron. That's all the help you're gonna get from the stars and I today, good luck.

Libra: Business business business business business business. Business, business business. Business.

Scorpio: Today your emotions will boil over into vomiting up a small pulsating mass of flesh and teeth that believes you to be its mother.

Ophiuchus: The stars and I aren't sure what that is, but we do know that its not a horse! Please do not approach it. Or do, your choice.

Sagittarius: The stars and I will give you 5$ if you let an alligator bite your foot off.

Capricorn: Feeling like you're in a rut? Dreaming of ruts? Of trenches? Of great carved patterns in the earth that can only been seen from far far above? For whom do you carve? For whom do you paint mother?

Aquarius: You're usually an open person, almost to a fault, almost. Consider doing something about that gaping cannonball wound in your chest.

Pisces: Today your destiny is covered in a thick pelt of soft hair. It really shouldn't have hair which is the weird thing. Don't ask...