Aries:
"I probably looked older then, but I was only 12 years old I guess. He could've kidnapped me!"

Bonus: Scorpio "Wonder why he didn't..."

Taurus:
"Fuck my life honestly, I can't even become a hooker!"

Gemini:
"I might need a new profile picture, but it's NOT gonna a be a pic of me biting into a big head of kale"

Bonus:
"Kids are not rectangular!"

Cancer:
"He was completely in love with me, right, but I just wanted him to get a fucking life!"

Leo:
"You're fired as my asshole"

Bonus:
"Did I... give birth to you?"

Virgo:
"I'm a big fan of rice" followed by "Don't shame my kinks!"

Libra:
"I'm just a gay hipster and my parents don't understand me"

Bonus:
"I only took like....... 4 shots"

Scorpio:
"And now all the kids start to cry!"

Bonus:
"Theres a uno-card in the toilet! Please don't do that, thank you"

Sagittarius:
"And then I thought my day couldn't get worse, but then fucking satan walks through the door"

Capricorn:
"Do yall know the feeling when you eat a banana, and it just tastes too much of banana???"

Aquarius:
"What if straws had feelings?"

Bonus:
"Wait..... I know that pale ginger from somewhere"

Pisces:
"Dont pour absent into my belly button, please"