Chapter Fifty Three

Keanu's point of view

We're here in my car. No one's breaking the silence. Unlike with Zia, being silent with Ali feels comforting.

I looked at her. I just noticed that she looks so restless. Despite the smiles she shows, you can see beneath her eyes what she feels.

"Keanu." I heard her whisper.
"Hmmm?"
"I'm sorry," she said. I didn't answer. "Okay lang kung papauwiin mo ako pero I want to settle this personally, I don't care kung gagastos ako ng $2,000 para sa flight ko pero I want to talk to you."

Silence.

"Go on," I finally said.
"Luke..." she broke in her tears "he... he drugged me," she said while sobbing so hard. Niyakap ko s'ya.

Natulala lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa pasabog na sinabi n'ya sa akin.

"Hush baby. I'm here. I'm here," I said while hugging her tightly.

Kahit anong gawin ko... mahal ko pa rin pala talaga si Ali.

"Matagal na pala n'ya akong gusto, Keanu. He planned it. Kahit magpa-drugtest pa ako ngayon na mismo. You know how I hate drugs and I would rather die than use it. 'Di ba niyaya ka n'ya makipag-inuman?" I nodded. "He planned it. Sinabihan n'ya ako, Keanu and you know how much I trust you all kasi ilang taon na tayong magkakaibigan pero walang nangyaring gano'n... until that night. He said he invited you guys pero nauna lang ako and we'll wait for others. Binigyan n'ya ako ng alak and after that... I don't know what happened. I woke up from being too ecstatic and you're there, your world is crashing. I was groggy that time and I remember that I drank alcohol kaya I thought lasing ako pero I sensed that something's fishy afterwards. I won't give my virginity to him cause I promised I'd give it to you when we marry each other. After one week, inamin n'ya sa akin, Keanu. Nakonsensya s'ya. Binugbog s'ya ni Drake at Ryan for doing that and yes, nakakulong na s'ya ngayon because it's rape. He raped me Keanu kahit na that time parang gusto ko but it's because he drugged me." She sobbed harder. "I've never felt dirty but now I do. Keanu," sabi n'ya habang nakatitig sa mata ko at hinahawakan ang pisngi ko, pinupunasan ang luha na kumawala na pala sa mga mata ko sa sobrang galit at pagsisisi. "I love you. I always do. I know no amount of sorry will bring us back but at least let me clear my name and my love for you."

I cupped her face and kissed her tears.

"Tahan na Ali. I know it's been hard. I'm sorry baby I left you. I'm sorry," I said while hugging her tight. She just sobbed on my chest.

I feel na kasalanan ko na naman ang lahat. That it's my fault that Ali got raped. Bakit hindi ko man lang nahulaan sa kilos ni Luke? I'm always a failure. I didn't protect her. It's my fault.

Hindi na ako nagsalita.

We're just silent the whole time. We know each other so much.

Wait...

Do I?

If I know her so much why didn't I trust her?

I shrugged it out. What's important is the present.

I'm glad that we're back together.

*****

I went home with Ali. She insisted na maghohotel na lang s'ya pero syempre hindi ako pumayag. Mom and Dad were shocked. Mom asked me for a minute.

"Keanu, what are you doing????"
"Mom, nakulong daw si Luke?" Kita ko ang gulat sa mukha n'ya. So she knows.
"Anak, I'm sorry hindi ko sinabi. I thought you don't want to hear anything from them, I'm sorry," she said with a teary eye.
"No mom. I understand. Kami na ulit ni Ali."
"Really? Then that's good," she smiled then patted my shoulder.

I know na maswerte ako kila mom kasi they're are so understanding and they trust our decisions, they don't meddle on what we want to do as long as we're going to have responsibility on every decision we make.

Nag-beso sila ni mom and talked for a while. Pinag-stay si Ali sa guest room.

I knocked on Kevin's door. He opened it.

"Ali's here. Kami na ulit." Nanlaki 'yung mata n'ya.
"Ha???" I just nodded. "So wala ka talagang feelings sa kan'ya?" Umiling ako.
"Para lang 'yun ma-realize mo na I could snatch her if I want but sorry Kevin, iba 'yung nangyari, e." He just smiled.
"No kuya. Thank you. So okay na kayo?"
"Yep. That bastard drugged her." I gritted my teeth sa sobrang galit.
"No shit. He should be in jail now."
"Yep. So no worries bunso, Zia's yours," I said saka ginulo buhok n'ya.
"Stop that."

Tumawa lang ako saka tumalikod sa kan'ya.

"'Wag mo ipapakita kay Zia si Allison, kuya. Ayaw kong masaktan s'ya."
"Worry not. I won't."
"Thank you kuya."

Hindi ko na s'ya sinagot. Pumunta na ako sa kwarto ko. Kumuha ako ng bottle of wine sa ref ko. Gusto ko knockout na ako sa kama ko cause I don't want to overthink right now.

Cause I might doubt myself and my decision.

*****

"LOVEEEE WAKE UP NAAAAAAAAA!" I heard someone yelling on my ears tapos tumatalon sa kama ko.

Ugh.

"Loveeeeeeeee!!!!" I heard a familiar voice. Is that Ali's?

Then it struck me. She's here! Napabangon ako bigla.

"Loveeee you drank wine without me," naka-sad face n'yang sabi. "Hindi mo ako niyaya. Alam mong iba 'yung timezones, e edi sana nakatulog din ako agad. Hmp," sabi n'ya saka hinalikan ako sa pisngi.

Napangiti naman ako. She's really back. Hinatak ko s'ya saka dinaganan at kiniliti nang kiniliti.

"Kea—Keanu!! S-Stop! Hahahaha ano hahahaha ba hahahahaha," tawa s'ya nang tawa tapos tinulak ako nang malakas at nag-pout. "Baby naman you know I'm really ticklish," hinihingal pa n'ya na sabi.
"I'm sorry babe."
"Tara na kain na tayo! Tawag ka na ni tita. Ako na magiging anak nila."
"Soon babe." Hinila ko s'ya.
"Yuck. Ayaw kita pakasalan, eew," sabi pa n'ya na parang naduduwal.
"Sinong nagsabing pakakasalan kita? Aampunin ka ni mom, ikaw Ali crush mo talaga ako 'no?" sabi ko then binuhat s'ya na parang sako ng bigas. Nakasampay s'ya sa balikat ko.

"Keanu!! Balahura ka talaga!!!" sigaw n'ya habang pinagpapapalo 'yung likod ko.

Nasa baba na sila mom and dad. I gave them peck on their cheeks. Binaba ko si Ali sa upuan.

"You shithead," bulong n'ya sa akin.
"You love this shit head naman," ganti ko sa kan'ya. Umirap lang s'ya.

Bumaba si Kevin sa hagdan na may kausap sa phone. I bet it's Zia.

Ano kayang ginagawa n'ya kanina bago tumawag si Kevin? Malamang namumula 'yun sa sobrang pagpa-panic dahil sa confession ni Kevin. I want to pinch her cheeks tuloy.

"Keanu?! Are you nuts? Why are you smiling???" tanong ni Ali.
"Ganda mo kasi," sagot ko na lang. Why am I thinking about Zia?? I shook my head.

"Kevin! Let's go eat!" yaya ni Ali sa kan'ya. Nanlaki 'yung mata ni Kevin then may pinindot sa phone. Tapos lumayo. Then maya-maya bumalik s'ya.
"Mom, dad, I gotta go, Zia," sabi ni Kevin.
"Binata na si—"
"Mom, stop!!!" sabi ni Kevin na namumula. "Keanu, Ali, gotta go!" Tumango lang kaming dalawa tas umalis na s'ya.
"Who's Zia? 'Yung first love ni Kevin?" I just nodded.

After namin kumain at makipag-usap kay mom and dad, nagyaya si Ali sa mall. Um-oo naman ako kasi I doubt na nasa mall sila.

"I want to try the arcades here, Keanu!" sabi ni Ali habang nakakapit sa braso ko.

Kapag nasa labas kami hindi kami gano'n ka-clingy at sweet. 'Yung sa airport, reflexes 'yun cause I missed her so damn much.

Head turner si Ali, I won't lie. Sinusundan ng tingin mapababae o lalaki. Sorry she's mine.

Tumango ako at dinala s'ya dun.

Kumunot noo ni Ali at hinampas ako nang paulit-ulit. Grabe, hindi pa rin s'ya nagbabago.

"IS THAT KEVIN'S VOICE????"

Tumakbo s'ya papunta dun sa videoke.

"You're all I need, Zia." I heard him say.

I was shocked...

Not because of their getup...

But because of Kevin.

Ni hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit ako nagugulat, e.

At bakit parang may kumukurot sa puso ko at nagsasabi na 'Ako dapat 'yan, e'

I asked them kung bat gan'yan 'yung suot nila.

To distract Zia... staring at Kevin like she's so in love. And she's now distracted, she's now staring at me.

Tinanong s'ya ni Ali pero hindi s'ya sumagot.

"Tapos na ang show. Shooo."

Nakayakap pa si Kevin kay Zia na parang pino-protektahan s'ya. Goddamn I wish that's me.

Umalis na silang dalawa and I can clearly see on Ali's face "What did I do???"

Hinila ko na lang s'ya paalis.

"Saan tayo pupunta?" tanong ni Ali.
"Ah? Oo nga hindi ko alam, SB?"
"Hey you're out of it. Uwi na lang tayo?" she asked.
"Are you sure? Okay lang naman," I insisted.
"No. Matutulog din ako," she answered.

This is one of the things I love about her. Sobrang understanding n'ya.

Nung nandun na kami sa kotse...

"Hindi ko talaga mapigilan, Keanu s'ya ba si Zia?"

Muntik ko nang apakan 'yung brake buti na lang nakapagpigil ako.

I hear my heart jumping.

Why?

Why am I feeling this?

"Love?"
"Ah. Uhm, yes, umamin sa kan'ya si Kevin kagabi," I answered. She nodded then shrieked.
"ANG GANDA-GANDA N'YA KEANU!! I can't wait to befriend her! Omg I'm so excited!!!! Mabait ba s'ya love??" I smiled.
"Yep, sobra."
"Magkakasundo kami!! I wanna talk to her till morning. Omg paano ko kaya s'ya yayayain???" I laughed. "Magpabunggo kaya ako kunwari sa sasakyan sa harap n'ya tapos yayain ko s'ya yieeeeee." Pumalakpak pa s'ya na parang bata.
"Yes, yes. Magkakasundo kayo sobra. Kahit hilahin mo lang 'yun papayag s'ya," I said then smiled.

Natahimik si Ali kaya napatingin ako sa kan'ya.

"Crush mo s'ya 'no????" She smiled wildly kaya napalunok ako at halos masamid sa sarili kong laway sa gulat. "'Di ako magagalit. She seems a nice person naman."
"Hindi 'no, 'wag ka nga mag-isip nang kung anu-ano d'yan!"
"Really????"
"Yep," I said. She giggled.
"Okay."

Silence.

Again. Silence with Ali comforts me. I don't know why.

*****

It's 12 AM and lumabas ako papuntang garden kasi hindi ako makatulog.

Dito.

Dito umamin si Zia.

I feel my heart thumping right now like it has no tomorrow.

I've been contemplating about my feelings about Zia and it's not helping me in any way but I have no choice cause whatever I do it will always drift to Zia.

I sighed.

I know I love Ali in my heart but why do I feel this towards Zia? 'Di ba nalinaw nang I don't really love her like I thought I do?

Na I really did make her as a replacement of Ali.

Na ginawa ko lang talaga s'yang panakip butas?

I sighed. Maybe I'm really going nuts.

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Napalingon ako sa likod ko and relief came when I saw dad.

"Dad, you scared me," I said.
"Kanina pa kita tinatawag, ang lalim ng iniisip mo," sagot n'ya. I just shrugged, "tell me what's burdening you, son."

Silence.

Tinitimbang ko kung pagagalitan ako ni dad 'pag umamin ako.

"I won't be your dad if you won't share that pain with me," he said after a considerable amount of silence.

I sighed again.

"Nothing dad... it's just I'm feeling confused lately."
"Hmmmm..."
"Dad, promise me you won't punch me after hearing this." Narinig kong tumawa s'ya na bihirang mangyari at ma-witness.
"No son, I won't."
"Okay. Baka pumanget na ako nang tuluyan sa dami ng sapak na na-receive ko these past few weeks, e."
"Go on son. Iintindihin kita."

I didn't talk for a minute. Trying to find the words that will fit on these feelings swimming around my head.

"Well... dad, lots of things indeed happen during those two weeks," I started, "I met Zia beforehand then actually discovering that she's my brother wants. I wanted to step back, of course but I had this concept na kung iparamdam ko kay Kevin na I'm a threat e baka gumawa s'ya ng move."

I sighed. Trying to weigh the words and feelings. It all wants to burst out. Now I want to hug dad and cry my eyes out so he'll comfort me like mom.

"But things got out of hand. I enjoyed being with her and she fell. Well of course I'll reject her. Si Kevin ang dapat kong unahin and ako 'yung nanggulo sa kanila, dad, 'di ba? Kaso... I'm becoming more and more selfish, I wanted her myself pero pinipigilan ko until I saw Ali. I've know that time that I love her. More than Zia." Hindi nagsalita si dad. Nanatili lang s'yang tahimik. I don't know if it's a good thing or nah.

"Son, what if you're trying to use Allison as a wall to make yourself believe that you don't love Zia? What if it's the other way around? Paano kung si Zia pala talaga 'yung mahal mo at sinubukan mo lang i-divert 'yung attention mo para hindi mo na maagaw si Zia kay Kevin?"

I didn't answer nor blink. Didn't know what to react.

"But the thing is, ikaw pa rin 'yung magdedesisyon. But son, I'll suggest that make your mind as soon as possible to prevent further damages. In the end, may masasaktan at masasaktan pa rin. You have two choices, bigyan mo ng closure si Zia or ipaglalaban mo 'yang nararamdaman mo. Whether you like it or not, you have to choose, son." He sighed. "Either way, hurting one person is inevitable. Don't worry son, alam kong maiintindihan nila kung anong desisyon mo. And sacrificing selflessly isn't always the answer," he said then patted my head like a kid. Imbes na mainis ako, I just smiled like how I smile when dad praises me.

Now. I have to choose.

*****

Pumunta ako sa clubhouse before 7 PM. I know kung anong decision ko at sinong pakakawalan ko.

I have to let Zia go and dismiss these feelings cause one wrong move and I'll hurt all of us.

Wala si Ali. Sa totoo lang ayaw ko s'yang harapin kaya nagpapanggap akong tulog. I dunno if she bought it but she said na nagsasawa na raw s'ya sa mukha ko at gagala s'ya mag-isa. I didn't bother to go with her baka magulo lang lalo isip ko.

But to be honest, I don't know what I am going to say to Zia. I just see myself typing and sending the message. I had all the time of the world to backout but part of me doesn't want to.

Maybe...

Maybe I'd run away again and go back to states for good para hindi na rin kami masaktan lahat.

But I don't want to run away without clearing this up. Without explaining myself why I did those things. I don't know what's going on with my life. It definitely changed in just 3 weeks and I'm not sure if I like it or not.

I am also afraid... of Ali. Alam kong she's not okay especially now na nalaman kong she got raped. I should protect her. Alam ko rin na mahina ang emotional health n'ya despite of smiles and laughter she gives. I can't leave her like that. Ali needs me so much. And I can't afford to hurt her. Alam kong kumakapit lang s'ya sa akin.

I waited till 7... till Zia comes.

But she didn't.

E kaso sabi ko maghihintay ako 'di ba? Cause I need to clear this shit up.

Baka naliligo pa.

O baka nakatulog?

7:30 na pero wala pa rin.

30 minutes pa lang naman akong naghihintay. Konti pa lang 'yan. Dapat pala dinala ko na kama ko 'no? Hehe.

Nilibang ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip mg memorable moments namin ni Zia. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit s'ya 'yung iniisip ko.

Pero baka dahil last na 'to.

Last time ko nang makikita at alalahanin si Zia.

Hanggang sa lumipad 'yung utak ko sa kanilang dalawa ni Kevin. They look really good together at hindi ko maalis sa isip ko na "Sana ako na lang, sana ako na lang ulit." Kahit na anong pilit ko sa sarili ko e hindi ko mai-divert 'yung attention ko palayo sa kanila. Na in the end may parte pa rin sa puso ko na gustong tumabi kay Zia at hawakan ang mga kamay n'ya. Pero... gustuhin ko man o hindi kailangan kong patayin at itapon 'yung feelings na 'yun. Sumisibol pa lang naman 'di ba? I know in the end si Ali pa rin ang mahal ko.

Pero hindi ko maipagkakaila na nagseselos ako sa kanila ni Kevin.

Nakarinig ako ng tricycle. I know she's here. Nagtago muna ako.

Tumakbo s'ya papunta sa swimming pool. Hinihingal. Paikot-ikot s'ya sa club house. Nilapitan ko na s'ya saka tinakpan ang mga mata n'ya. Siniko n'ya ako.

Tangina!

Ang sakit nun.

Halos itupi ko sarili ko sa sobrang sakit. Lumingon naman s'ya and I swear to god. She looks gorgeous. Hindi ko alam kung anong mali sa mga mata ko at parang gumanda s'ya ng 10x.

I said na mapanakit s'ya and she fired back.

Awkward.

Well I've hurt her naman talaga.

"Bakit mo nga pala ako tinext na pumunta rito?" she asked. I shrugged. Hindi ko naman talaga alam sasabihin ko... or I do?

I looked her directly in the eye.

"Na-miss lang kita," I heard myself said. And I almost smack myself again...

Kung hindi lang totoo 'yung sinabi ko at kung hindi lang 'yun 'yung nararamdaman ko. Because I really did miss her. I miss the old us. 'Yung puro usap at kalokohan lang.

Parang sumasabog 'yung puso ko sa sobrang saya na nandito s'ya sa harap ko.

I called her and held her hand. I missed this. I missed her being this so close. Bakit kailangan pa mangyari sa amin 'to? Kung hindi ba s'ya gusto ni Kevin anong mangyayari sa aming dalawa??

I feel her warmth beside me and I love this. I really want to ask God to stop the time and let us live in our little world wherein no one will get hurt.

"I realized that I like you so much," I said looking in her eyes intently. Doon ko ibinubuhos ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I've become so selfish. Hindi ko na alam kung anong inaakto ko. Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong sinasabi ko. Maybe in the end this is what I really want.

I stared at her. Scared that she'll go away and I don't want that to happen. Zia, anong ginagawa mo sa akin? Bakit naaadik ako sa'yo? Bakit hindi kita mapakawalan?

I leaned for a kiss.

And when our lips met, I know that I've done the right thing at the moment. I'll just face the consequences later cause I love this feeling.

Zia's Point of View

"Si Ali kasi, e."
"Anong meron kay Allison?" I asked.

Naramdaman kong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko—hindi dahil sa pagmamahal ko kay Keanu kundi dahil sa rason na maaaring bigkasin ng mga labi n'ya.

Ugh tangina.

"Buntis kasi s'ya," sabi ni Keanu.

Tangina????

I heard my heart shattered.

I feel like crying. Gulong-gulo ako. Kung alam n'yang buntis si Allison bakit n'ya ako nilalandi? Sino ang ama? Si Luke ba? O sya? Hindi pa nga kami nagsisimula natapos na agad 'yung storya namin.

Naramdaman kong tumulo 'yung luha ko.

"Babes! Joke lang. Hala. Don't cry. Joke lang!!" sabi n'ya saka niyakap ako nang mahigpit. "I'm just kidding babes, don't cry," he said saka hinalikan ako sa noo.
"Hayup ka! You're a jerk! 'Wag mo akong pag-tripan ng gan'yan!" galit  na galit na sabi ko sa kan'ya habang hinahampas 'yung dibdib n'ya.
"Babes, joke lang naman, e."
"Hayup ka. Ano nga dahilan?" inis na sabi ko sa kan'ya. Hinalikan n'ya ulit ako sa noo ko.

Puta feeling ko matutunaw ako. At feeling ko anlandi-landi namin tingnan dito. Mamaya may makakita sa amin.

Tinitigan n'ya ako sa mata. Kumabog nang malakas ang dibdib ko.

"I know I'm not in the place to tell this but you deserve to know the truth."

Seryoso ang boses n'ya. Hindi ako mapakali. Gusto ko malaman na hindi. Natatakot talaga ako sa malalaman ko.

"She's got raped."

I waited for him to say "Joke lang" but he didn't. Nakatingin lang s'ya sa akin nang seryoso.

"W-what do you mean?"
"Luke drugged her. Then ni-rape s'ya at pinalabas na ginusto n'ya," sabi n'ya nang nakatitig sa akin nang seryoso.

And my tears fell for real. Napaupo ako.

Hindi ko man lang napansin. Bakit naloko n'ya ako sa ngiti at tawa n'ya? Napahagulgol ako. She's a great woman bakit kailangang mangyari sa kan'ya 'yun?

"Shhh Zia."
"Hindi ko man lang napansin."
"Hindi n'ya talaga ipahahalata 'yun. She's a strong girl. Believe me."
"She needs you Keanu." Tumango s'ya. I smiled. Tumayo ako.
"I can't leave her now." Ako naman ang tumango.
"Yep. Hindi mo s'ya dapat iwan," ngumiti ako kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko. I hugged him.

Pagkakalas ko sa yakap namin tumalikod na ako at naglakad palayo. Pero pinigilan n'ya ako.

"Zia, ano 'to?" I can hear the pleading in his voice. I tried to muster all the smiles I can.
"Keanu," I said while sobbing. The words that I will say will hurt us both, "she needs you so I'm letting you go," I said then smiled really widely kahit na tumutulo pa rin ang mga luha ko.

Ang sakit sakit kasi. Pero wala akong magagawa. Allison needs him more than I need him. Hindi ako na-rape. I don't need Keanu by my side.

Nagulat s'ya. Nagsimula na ring mamuo ang mga luha sa mata n'ya.

"Zia. No. No. Ikaw na Zia, e. Ikaw na," he whispered. Gusto ko mang magdiwang pero hindi kaya ng puso ko lalo na kung may masasaktan. Lalo na kung gano'n 'yung naranasan. Masakit na mangyari sa'yo 'yun kasi hindi mo ginusto. Kahit pa na ginusto ng katawan mo. Rape should always be consensual. At kailangan nila ng mga tao sa tabi nila to help them recover, and recovering isn't easy. I don't want to be another reason for her sadness. Hindi kaya ng puso ko.
"Keanu, you can't leave her. Not now. Not ever," I said.
"Maghahanap ako ng tyempo, Zia kung gusto mo," he said while tears are streaming from his eyes. Umiling ako. Pinunasan ko 'yun kahit na kailangan ng effort I smiled again kasi kung maayos lang 'yung sitwasyon ngayon e malamang kikiligin ako. Kaso hindi, e. May taong masasagasaan at masasaktan. Hindi kami pwedeng magpaka-selfish. Hindi ako pwedeng magpaka-selfish.

Pumikit ako nang mariin saka hinalikan s'ya sa labi.

"Keanu, I was glad that I met you. I love you. I really do," sabi ko saka tinanggal 'yung pagkakahawak n'ya sa akin saka tumakbo.

"ZIA, ZIPPER MO BUKAS!!!!" narinig kong sigaw n'ya pero na-realize kong 'wag na lang s'yang pansinin kasi...

naaalala ko kung paano kami nagkakilala at kung paano nagsimula ang lahat. Baka sinigaw n'ya 'yun para ipaalala sa akin ang simula ng lahat. Tanginang zipper kasi 'yan, e.

I wish we're in the different situation cause if we are I'll jump back to you and I'll never let you go.

I didn't dare to look back.

Kasi baka bawiin ko 'yung sinabi ko.

At hindi kakayanin ng konsensya ko 'yun.

——————

Neko's note: back to present time tayo guys!! Binigyan ko lang ng chance si Keanu na i-explain feelings nya. HAHAHAHAA.