<pre style="line-height: normal; text-align: start;">=~=TABLE OF CONTENTS=~=

Introduction [INT]

Version History [VER]

Zelda Series Overview [SUM]

The Meat of the Guide [MEA]

Races Compendium [RAC]

Ladies’ Man [LAD]

Thanks [THA]

Legal Garbage [LEG]

Contact Information [CON]

In Closing [INC]

Those numbers in [ ] are to allow you to quickly access the part of the guide

you want to view. Use your Ctrl+F function (on John Hodgemans, I’m not sure

what it is for Jason Longs) to jump to where you need to be. For example, if

you wanted to see the Billy Bob section, whose code was [BIL], you would press

Ctrl+F, then type in ‘[BIL]’, then click ‘Find Next’ twice. Boom! There you

are! It saves on scrolling through the whole document to find what you need.

=~=INTRODUCTION=~=

[INT]

The Legend of Zelda is my favourite video game series, bar none. I am a FAQs

author. It follows that I would want to write a Legend of Zelda FAQs.

Unfortunately for me, I’m far from the only one who subscribes to this way of

thinking. Quite a few other people like Zelda, too. And I'm not up to doing a

walkthrough. These two factors combined mean that any walkthrough I were to

write just wouldn’t be able to compete.

So in a way, I guess this guide is my way around that. Because I’m pro at NPCs.

I actually consider myself a walking encyclopaedia of the Zelda universe – I’m

a real ‘ask me anything’ kind of guy when we’re talking Zelda. That’s not

arrogance, it’s just the truth. Well ok, it’s also arrogance.

So, inspired by various other Nintendo-franchise character and ending guides

(props to them), I composed this one. Snazzy, isn’t it? Of course, I’m not

nearly as talented as some of those authors, but I hope you enjoy my work as

much as I've enjoyed theirs. And when you're done, check out their stuff as

well.

The very first version of this guide contained 69 entries. Obviously, that is

far, far fewer than the number of characters in the series. But most of them

are just not important enough to merit lengthening the guide; if I actually

went over every single one, we’d have a document 1,000 gigs long, and it would

be mostly uninteresting and redundant.

Speaking of redundancy, some characters have been culled to keep the thing from

growing too long. But back to what I was saying, initially I viewed various

resources to find lists of characters. Characters were considered for inclusion

if they met one of the following criteria:

(1) It played a significant role in the storyline of at least one Zelda game

(2) It played multiple roles of moderate importance (storyline or otherwise)

(3) It intrigues me personally

This method held up very well for the first few versions, at which point I

unconsciously changed the rule to 'any named character' (and with entries like

Flute Boy’s, even that boundary is starting to fray). And if I didn’t happen to

know what it was, it’s not in the guide. On top of that, my new method only

applies to games from Twilight Princess onward (at which point I started

playing new games consciously thinking about which characters would go in and

what I might write about them while still playing through.)

As you can see, the basis for selection is painfully arbitrary. If you take a

look and you see that this guide lacks a character you believe should be

included, please let me know.

That about wraps it up. Onward, and enjoy.

=~=Version History=~=

[VER]

:-Version 1.0 (11.13.06)-:

The initial version of this guide; the state it was in when first posted on

GameFAQs.

:-Version 1.1 (12.17.06)-:

I’m never rushing another guide. Trying to get this one out left large gaps, an

inability to edit for errors before posting and some entertaining but

scandalous silliness, such as my having accidentally left the placeholder ‘DATE

GOES HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE’ for the date index for Version 1.0. So I’ve

fixed most of those.

-Created a few new character entries (Grog, Zephos and Cyclos, and some

characters from Tingle RPG), edited some others and created a whole new

section, the Races Compendium.

-Some other information has been added as well, mostly little things.

:-Version 1.2 (02.09.07)-:

Finally added all the information for Twilight Princess, added some profiles I

neglected to put in from before, and fixed some errors.

:-Version 1.3 (05.03.10)—:

Didn’t manage to get it out in time for Spirit Tracks, but everything’s in

there now. Edited for accuracy and readability. Changed ‘Boss Bokoblin’ to

‘King Bulblin.’ Added information for Phantom Hourglass and some Mogitate

Chinkuru characters; about freaking time. A ton more profiles from other games

went in as well, including some I can’t believe I forgot.

:-Version 1.4 (xx.yy.12)-:

A few characters went in who should have already been there, but more

significantly I've finally (finally!) added the information for Mogitate

Chinkuru, Irodzuki Chinkuru and Skyward Sword. This is my biggest update yet.

=~=Zelda Series Overview=~=

[SUM]

Before we get to the character section itself, I thought I’d give you a brief

look at the Zelda series as a whole. New players might have trouble keeping up,

and returning ones might like a recap, so hopefully this section will help you

avoid confusion. If you’re a seasoned Hyrulean veteran, you can feel free to

skip right over this section, or read it for posterity. It’s probably worth a

skim.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind here. Mainly, there is NO one

definitive timeline for the Zelda series. Certainly, there was one published on

zelda.com years back, in 2011 Aonuma's team released the completely nonsensical

one they've been using internally, and you can devise innumerable fan timelines

if you apply certain rules to the universe (Kirby021591’s is one of the best;

check out any of his Zelda walkthroughs to find it), but really, it’s all

guesswork. Aonuma Eiji, the dude currently in charge of the Zelda franchise,

has stated he eventually intends to solidify the overarching story, but I’ll

believe it when I see it. It’s probably most convenient to think of each game

as self-contained, except in instances where the events of one game explicitly

reference others (for example, Majora’s Mask is irrefutably a direct sequel to

Ocarina of Time) to make a pair.

I could say a lot more on the subject, but I’ll contain myself.

The next issue is caused by the first. Many weapons, items and

–characters-recur from one game to the next. Sometimes it’s possible they’re

the same thing (for instance, How many Mirror Shields can there possibly be?

one must ask oneself) whereas others are cosmetically different but

functionally identical items, like certain bows. Others, like the Hookshot, may

just be variations on the same design. It’s impossible to know.

As for characters, many of them appear in multiple time periods. Some just live

a really long time (Impa, the Great Deku Tree, Jr), some apparently time-travel

(Tingle) and still others have no explanation for their presence (Beedle,

Zill.) Oh yeah, and of course some have alternate-universe, ancient ancestor,

or reincarnation versions.

Sifting through endless layers of ambiguity is fun, no?

The years of release are for the North American versions. Actually, I guess

just about all the information in this guide comes from the North American

versions, but anyway other regions may be different.

The Legend of Zelda

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu

Nintendo Entertainment System

Released: 1986

Since there’s no clear storyline, let’s look at them one-by-one, in the order

that they emerged in the real world. That means we kick-start the section with

the original Legend of Zelda. Being that it’s the first one in the series, it’s

hard to write about, because if you look at it from an industry standpoint,

everything’s an innovation, and if you look at it from a series standpoint,

everything’s a franchise standard. But look! I just took up a whole paragraph

talking about the paragraph itself! Well played, self. *congratulates self*

I might as well say SOMETHING, though, so let’s do a brief overview. Ganon,

evil pig lord and main villain of the series, possesses the Triforce of Power,

and seeks to earn the Triforce of Wisdom as well. (No Triforce of Courage, that

came later.) But it was Princess Zelda who had Wisdom, and when he tried to

take it from her, she magically broke it into eight pieces and hid the shards

in a collection of dangerous catacombs throughout Hyrule. On a chance

encounter, Zelda’s handmaiden Impa apprised a lad named Link of the situation,

and he took charge, recovered the pieces after many harrowing adventures, and

finally gained the power to face Ganon head-on. In the process, he introduced

many elements that would later become Zelda staples, like the acquisition of

tools, inevitable confrontations with bosses and the magic number eight (in

regards to the number of dungeons a game contains, plus the final level.)

Hmm...on second thought, I guess that wasn’t so hard to write about, after all.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Rinku no Bouken

Nintendo Entertainment System

Released: 1988

Man, I hate this game so much. I finally got a copy almost four years ago, and

I’m still stuck on the fourth level. (Edit: I did eventually beat it.) If I

wanted Castlevania-style gameplay, I would play Castlevania. If you don’t know

what I’m talking about, Zelda II is completely different from others in the

series. Others have a top-down or 3D perspective, but Zelda II has a top-down

overworld view, then switches to an action side-scroller for random battle and

dungeon sequences. This is because it wasn’t an adventure game, but an

action-RPG – and I myself was skilled in neither the action nor the RPG genre.

For me, this game is frickin’ HARD (while I laughed out loud when I read that

someone had tried over twenty times to beat Ganon in Ocarina of Time – I did it

one try and only took about ten hearts of damage, and I know that’s a lot worse

than some people. It all depends on your personal skills, eh?) But on the

bright side, Zelda II (stupid, stupid title) introduced magic spells to Link’s

arsenal, some of which are VERY cool, to say nothing of the exceptionally

well-done finale.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Kamigami no Toraifousu

Super Nintendo Entertainment System

Released: 1992

Ha ha, get it? Get it?? A Link to the Past is the second of three Zelda games

with irritating English titles. It was renamed because Triforce of the Gods

sounded too religious. But let’s move on, before my trend of failing to talk

about the game itself gets out of hand. Past is one of the games that many

consider to be the best in the series. The pak made the important contribution

of the Master Sword, which has stood long since – the first Zelda had a Magical

Sword, but who knows what the story is there. Though not in terms of hours,

it’s also the longest to date: There was an introductory dungeon, then a set of

three, then a set of seven and THEN the final boss dungeon. But what really set

it apart was its Light World/Dark World feature. You see, the Golden Land of

the Triforce was originally a mirror image of Hyrule (the Light World), with

minor differences. Ganon’s evil transformed it into the Dark World. You

eventually gained the ability to travel between the two, and navigating the

world suddenly became insanely fun. Use the Rooster to fly to Death

Mountain...plumb the depths of the caves...come out on a ledge near a portal to

the Dark World...jump down a ways...use the Magic Mirror to return to the Light

World...then go left a ways and you’re there at last. True story.

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Yume wo Miru Shima

Gameboy

Released: 1993

Apparently as a result of player demand, the Big N finally cranked out some

portable Moblin-bashing. By some interpretations, Link’s Awakening is a direct

sequel to A Link to the Past. Either way, on a voyage to condition his body and

mind in preparation for possible future catastrophes, Link is shipwrecked and

wakes up on Koholint Island. I don’t know what a Koholint is, but the Japanese

title seems to literally be ‘island that sees a dream,’ or Dreaming Island (I’m

a learner of Japanese.) Anyway, Koholint Island is quite an interesting place,

from the giant egg that sits on its tallest mountain to the village populated

entirely by talking animals. Link quested to enter the egg with the eight

Instruments of the Sirens, and find a way back home. I like this game a lot.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Toki no Okarina

Nintendo 64

Released: 1998

Probably the most popular Zelda title. I can see why, but...amazing graphics

aren’t everything, guys. (And you young ones snickering at them? Shut up. They

were stupendous at the time.) At any rate, the level design is more than

competent and the mix of old and new is commendable. Ocarina of Time built on

some of the core elements of A Link to the Past, including its 3/5 dungeon

dichotomy, the method by which the Master Sword is gained, and the dual-world

scheme – though in this case, it’s the present and future of the same world

rather than two separate worlds, and your ability to switch between the two is

severely limited. Anyway, a fine entry indeed.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Majora no Kamen

Nintendo 64

Released: 2000

Ocarina of Time was so well received, they decided to release a direct sequel

to it, utilising the same engine and resources. To me, this makes Ocarina that

much less special, but once I got into it (Majora’s Mask takes a while to get

moving) I ended up liking it even better. This one is set in a parallel version

of Hyrule, called Termina. They have a somewhat similar world. You’ll meet many

of the same characters, this time with names, but Termina is more tribal than

civic. Oh yeah, and the game’s main antagonist has set the moon on a collision

course that will obliterate the planet, plus Hyrule. The three-day time limit

can be reset again and again, but this also resets events – all you’ll keep is

the items you’ve collected, which is enough. The jury’s out on this one; you’ll

find the three-day system either brilliant, or annoying as hell.

The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Fushigi no Ko no Mi Daichi no Shou

Gameboy Colour

Released: 2001

During development, Oracle of Seasons and Ages were originally called ‘gaiden,’

meaning side-stories. That’s not entirely inaccurate. You could even go as far

as to say they were just to keep players going between console entries, but

even if that’s true they are still excellent standalone adventures. Nut of the

Mysterious Tree: Chapter of Earth is the easier and less interesting of the

two. This one tracked Link as he used the Rod of Seasons, a magical device that

he could use to change the seasons at will, to deny General Onox his dream of

conquering Holodrum.

The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Fushigi no Ko no Mi Jikuu no Shou

Gameboy Colour

Released: 2001

Released concurrently with Oracle of Seasons, Nut of the Mysterious Tree:

Chapter of Time and Space is more puzzle-oriented, and probably the superior

game overall. We were a little squeamish when we found out that Zelda had been

handed out to Capcom, but it all turned out all right. Link gained the Harp of

Ages, another time-travelling instrument – as well as one that allowed another

dual-world system, this one being the present and 400 years in the past. Link

used it to fight the Sorceress Veran as she strove to conquer Labrynna. The

biggest feature of the Oracle games was that when you completed one, you got a

password. This password could be entered into the other game when you started a

new file, allowing you to start off with the Wooden Sword (instead of looking

for it) and an extra Heart Container. It also unlocked additional content and

many special items unavailable the first time through.

The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Yottsu no Tsurugi

Gameboy Advance

Released: 2002

When A Link to the Past was re-released for GBA, it also included a small,

multiplayer-only game on the same pak. It introduced a new villain, Vaati, and

had the players attempt madcap challenges as they cooperated to complete a

level, yet competed to collect the most Rupees. While it got even more fun as

more players were added, most people who bought the re-release probably didn’t

have the hardware needed for Four Swords.

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Kaze no Takuto

Nintendo GameCube

Released: 2003

Despite its obvious flaws, The Wind Waker is my favourite Zelda game. Some

people will blanch at that statement, but I love it, and I’m letting you know,

even though you don’t need to. Although that name...Waker is not technically a

word. (Neither is GameCube, of course...) Anyway, for some reason which I won’t

spoil, the game does not take place in our usual Hyrule, but on the high seas.

As a result, your adventure involves a fair bit of searching for sunken

treasure, firing cannon and exploring small islands in a cel-shaded,

superlively world that really irked a lot of people. But if you wanted realism,

boy, did you ever pick the wrong series. Another area of complaint was that

travelling across the ocean was too boring. I thought it was neat, myself.

Fortunately this isn’t a critical review, or we’d be here forever as I argued

my case.

The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Yottsu no Tsurugi Purasu

Nintendo GameCube

Released: 2004

Not only did Four Swords+ expand on the original and bring it to a console, it

also offered the option of a single-player mode that didn’t require a GBA or

the GCN-GBA cable. Pretty sweet. The story is quite similar, but the game is

much, much, much longer, and will probably take about 20 hours to complete

rather than an hour and a half. Each stage takes about twenty minutes, I’d say.

There’s also a shallow yet intense battle mode.

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Fushigi no Boushi

Gameboy Advance

Released: 2005

The title’s Mysterious Hat is Ezlo, who has a great plot that you can read

about in the guide itself if you want it spoiled for you. When we meet him,

Ezlo finds Link in the forest, latches onto his head just like a Metroid, and

gives him access to yet another dual-world system. This time, our boy can go

‘twixt the Hylian-sized world and that of the inch-high Minish people. From

this unique vantage point, Hyrule doubles in size as you explore huge dungeons

stretching almost a metre in any direction. This innovative use of the

diminutive form gets a thumbs-up from me, but like The Wind Waker, whose

general style it follows, it is so short I have to wonder if development was

rushed.

Freshly-Picked! Tingle’s Rosy Rupee Land

Japanese: Mogitate Chinkuru no Barairo Rupiirando

Nintendo DS

Released: 2006

Personally I prefer the more literal translation of ‘rose-coloured’ over

‘rosy,’ but, even though they place a hyphen where there shouldn’t be one,

we’ll go with what the PAL version says – for the rest of the guide I’ve been

going NTSC, that being my region (points to own username), but we in NA never

got a version to call our own, evidently due to a lack of demand. I finally

found a copy while on exchange, though I used the PAL translation to write the

appropriate profiles. The game is a fascinating departure from the mainline

series, focussing on Tingle and the lunacy that tends to follow him around. The

DS's various features are put to hitherto unseen uses that are, more

importantly, both creative and fun, as Tingle scours the land for

ever-increasing amounts of Rupees in order to pay the toll to enter the magical

Rupee Land. The plot is surprisingly robust, and the boss battles are par

excellence.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Towairaito Purinsesu

Nintendo GameCube/Wii

Released: 2006

This game broke ground in several ways: It was the first game to receive an

ESRB evaluation more dangerous than E (it got a T rating), for example, and it

was the first to be released on two consoles concurrently. I won’t get into all

the reasons why the game irked me, because we’d be here for a year, but they

are definitely there. Despite this, the game is still really good. It marks a

return to the inexplicably popular 'realistic' style, a much darker tone, a

heavier emphasis on storytelling, a Hyrule under siege by another plane of

existence, and a cool new mechanic in the shape of Link’s ability to assume

wolf form.

Tingle’s Balloon Fight

Japanese: Chinkuru no Baruun Faito

Nintendo DS

Released: 2007

Club Nintendo is Nintendo of Japan’s consumer incentive programme, offering a

certain number of ‘points’ with each purchase, which can then be redeemed for

sweet merchandise. I guess it’s ok that they come up with really cool stuff to

give out to dedicated customers as a little thank-you for their patronage, but

it’s really hard to actually earn any kind of significant number of points, and

they’re always coming out with wicked must-have items that nearly all of us can

never have. And in particular, I’d vaguely feel like my Zelda collection was

somehow incomplete without this little...thing...even though it’s pretty much

just a retread of a mildly popular 80’s NES game with Tingle cast as the new

main character. Luckily, I am armed with a fan’s grave dedication and an eBay

account. It’s the second NTSC-J game to make its way into my hoard, being that

it’s JP-only. The plastic it was wrapped in said 'SECOND SALE' on it, so I

think its previous owner must himself have bought it at Book-Off or something.

Oh, incidentally, let’s say a few words about the game itself. Fly around, pop

balloons, send your opponent hurtling towards the ground to their death, strike

globophobia into the hearts of your enemies.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Mugen no Sunadokei

Nintendo DS

Released: 2007

Series creator Miyamoto expressed a desire to create a fully touch-driven Zelda

game, and he delivered. The system was certainly far from perfect; I think if

the title had come farther along in the system’s life, once Nintendo had had

more of a chance to test total touch control with other properties, it would

have been a lot better. As it is, despite a few grating issues, the overall

result is not bad at all. It’s kinda cool, moving Link around with the stylus,

and some of his tools and weapons are implemented very cleverly. The game is

ridiculously easy, though, and despite being a direct sequel to The Wind Waker,

it draws next to no reference to that game, instead focussing on the

shenanigans of Link and new companions Ciela and Linebeck as they search for

truth and money, respectively. The titular object of significance holds the

sand that slowly sifts away but allows Link to venture into the deep Temple of

the Ocean King, the supposed ‘one big dungeon’ we’d heard so much about but

turned out to be kind of unimpressive. Whatever; like Metroid II for GameBoy,

it’s not a fantastic entry in the series, but is still one of the better games

for the system.

Link’s Crossbow Training

Japanese: Rinku no Bougan Toreiningu

Wii

Released: 2008

Less a game and more a tech demo, Link’s Crossbow Training was packaged with

the Wii Zapper peripheral to entice people to buy it. The boys and girls in

Marketing were right about me wanting the game, but wrong about me being

willing to shell out for a Zapper to get it...or so I thought! Tragically, my

desire for a new copy eventually came to outweigh my patience. Since it’s a

side-game, it’s fairly simplistic: In a world based on the Twilight Princess

aesthetic (GameCube version), we help Link brush up on his skills with the ol’

repeating crossbow, in various galleries and even some brief dungeons, where he

must vanquish his enemies not through skilful swordsmanship, but by shooting

them in the face. Going for all Platinum medals is really, really fun.

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Daichi no Kiteki

DS

Released: 2009

I may have had my misgivings with Phantom Hourglass, but Train Whistle of the

Earth addresses nearly all of them. What’s more, it’s quite simply just a much

more well-rounded game. If uniqueness were quantifiable, which it grammatically

isn’t, Spirit Tracks would be one of the most unique games in the series. Its

central mechanic revolves around operating a steam engine, which is not only a

huge jump in technology but something totally unlike anything we’ve ever done

in a Zelda game before. I just hope this doesn’t mean we’re taking the

FFVI-VIII route with the series...although I guess that could work out. Spirit

Tracks may also connect the earlier games, storyline-wise, with the more

‘modern’ ones, as it concerns the fate of the country that the Link and Zelda

of the Great Sea founded.

Ripening Tingle’s Balloon Trip of Romantic Love

Japanese: Irozuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

DS

Released: 2009

If this game has any relation to the first Tingle-centric outing, it is perhaps

a prequel. Whereas the last one had the whole RPG schwerve going, this one had

the ‘old-school point-and-click adventure game’ formula that fans of the late

90s are always complaining there aren’t enough of anymore. It’s a loose

take-off of The Wizard of Oz, which really turns me off of it, but if it’s even

tangentially Zelda you know I’m going to enjoy it on principle. This time we're

on a road trip, making it, I guess, Zelda's answer to Grim Fandango; the 'love'

of the title refers to Tingle's quest to get some, by giving the ladies in his

life thousands' of Rupees worth of stupid trinkets. Study up. More

interestingly, he is eventually accompanied by three companions, who provide

both interesting dialogue and their personal skills and abilities.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

Japanese: Zeruda no Densetsu: Sukaiwaado Soudo

Wii

Released: 2011

The fascinating lovechild of The Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime

3: Corruption, and Super Mario Galaxy, the Zelda game with the most euphemistic

title is also riddled with a host of technical issues and design choices that

mar an otherwise happy adventure, delightful adventure. (And that's not just me

complaining about Nintendo changing stuff. Some of the changes are actually

just legitimately bad.) It makes up for it, though, with beautiful visuals and

an engaging plot, focussing on how the Master Sword originally came to be.

Although it completely contradicts everything we knew about Master Sword lore

up to that point, it really is a fun story. Spoils are back, and adventuring is

even less lonely than ever thanks to a spirit companion who, while kind of a

moron, is well-intentioned and helpful. The most interesting development to the

Zelda formula is in the structure: Getting there is now well over half the fun,

with the preceding environments providing much of what we used to get from

dungeons, while the dungeons themselves are now much shorter and sweeter. I

have to say I'm curious to see what else Nintendo will try, and if it will

continue with this adjusted ratio or if Skyward Sword will stand out as a

one-time experiment.

--A Note on Main Series versus Side Series--

Here’s a mildly interesting story about how a minor FAQs-writing problem led me

to an observation about Zelda games that will be interesting to only the

hardest of hardcore fans, and maybe not even them, so you may want to skip this

section altogether. I won’t be mad.

The classification between main games and side games was nonexistent until

Nintendo released a handful of the latter. Specifically, I’m talking about the

Zapper game and Tingle’s three games. Two are gaiden (side stories), but the

other two are plotless extras.

This presented a problem that took me some time to figure out. Every character

has a chronological list of all the games they’ve made an appearance in. I

obviously can’t just ignore these games, but I really didn’t want to uglify the

lists by shoving them in there haphazardly. It really didn’t feel right putting

‘Freshly Picked Tingle’s Rose-Coloured Rupeeland’ up next to the likes of

‘Twilight Princess.’

I came up with the solution when the other two games came out. These three, I

realise, don’t begin with the phrase ‘Zeruda no Densetsu.’ This strongly

reminded me of the Kirby series, another Nintendo favourite. In Japan, the

titles of all main-series Kirby games begin with ‘Hoshi no Kaabii,’ Kirby of

the Stars. The ‘side games,’ ones that see Kirby playing puyo or engaging in

competitive cartoon star-racing, don’t have the ‘Hoshi no Kaabii.’

The rule doesn’t work perfectly with the English titles, but I figured out I

could apply a similar rule to Zelda. Tingle’s game doesn’t start with ‘Zeruda

no Densetsu.’ It’s not a main game; neither is its sequel, such as it is. The

other two don’t even have plots. I now have grounds to remove them from the

main list, and make a separate list. This serves the additional purpose of

preserving certain claims of mine, such as that Princess Zelda has appeared in

every Zelda game. Every LEGEND OF Zelda game.

Wikipedia, separately, picked up on this too, and made the same classification.

Great minds. For me, this was an interesting adventure in FAQs-writing, and a

fascinating development in Zelda as a brand.

=~=The Meat of the Guide=~=

[MEA]

Okay, we’ve finally arrived! This is the reason you came here. Below is a list

of every character profiled in this guide. There’s quite a few of them, eh?

To jump to a specific character, use the Find function, and type the first

three or so letters of their name with a space between them. So to find Mario’s

entry (to be clear, Mario doesn’t actually have an entry, this is just an

example), you would hit Ctrl+F, search for ‘M A R’, and click Find. Teleport!

*Twilight Zone three-tone theme plays*

Some characters share lots of letters with others, so you may need to do more

than three, or maybe they use rare letters and a mere two will do the trick.

Until I come up with a way to give characters a code that doesn’t have to be

changed every time I add new entries, this is all I got for you. I apologize

for the inconvenience.

If you think there’s a notable absence, just search for the name normally and

you may find that rather than take up space with their own gratuitous profile,

a character has been incorporated into somebody else’s.

By the way, need I actually say that this guide contains huge spoilers for

basically every game in the series?

???

Agahnim

Agitha

Alfonzo

Anjean

Anju and Kafei

Ankle

Anouki

Aroo

Astrid

Azusa

Bagu

Balloon Fighter

Barkle

Barnes

Baron

Batreaux

Beaver Brothers

Beedle

Belari

Bellum

Bertie and Luv

Biggoron and Medigoron

Bipin and Blossom

Blade Brothers

Blaino

Blind the Thief

Bodyguards

Bosom Oak

Bridge-builders

Bridge Worker

Brocco and Pina

Bronzi

Bombers Gang

Bug-Catching Kid

Buriki

Byrne

Cannon

Captain Keeta

Captain Stalfos

Carlov and Borlov

Carpenters

Cawlin and Strich

Chancellor Cole

Charlo

Chef Bear

Chris Houlihan

Christine

Chudley

Ciela

Cobal

Composer Brothers

Coro

Crazy Tracy

Croo

Cubus Sisters

Cucco Lady

Daltus

Dampe

Dan and Jon

Dark Link

Darmani

Darunia

David Jr.

Dazzle Lyphos

Dekadin

Deku Royal Family

Demise

Demon Train

Din, Nayru and Farore

Doc Bandam

Dodoh

Dokutaa Jii

Don Gero

Dovos

Dr Bean

Eagus

Ederuwaisu

Emera

Engineer

Epona

Error

Explorers

Ezlo

Facade

Fado

Fanadi

Ferrus

Fi

First Mate

Fledge

Florence

Flute Boy

Four Sisters and their Otentou

Freedle

Fuzo

Fyer and Falbi

Gabora and Zubora

Gaepora

Ganon

General Onox

Gestari

Ghirahim

Ghost Ringleader

Golden Chief Cylos

Golo

Gondo

Gongoron

Good Bee

Gorko the Goron

Goron Elder

Gortram

Gossack

Grand Fairy and her Retainers

Great Deku Tree

Great Fairy

Grog

Groose

Guld

Gully

Gureeto

Guru-Guru

Gustaf, Royal Spirit

Hanch

Happy Mask Salesman

Helmaroc King

Hena

Henya

Hero’s Spirit

Higemonban

Honcho

Honey and Darling

Hot Rodder Goron

Hylia

Igos du Ikana

Iiguru

Iijima

Ilia

Impa

Indigo-Gos

Ingo

Instructor Horwell

Instructor Owlan

Iona Nattsubaiyaa

Iris

Ishideesu

Iza

Jabu-Jabu

Jakamar

Jalhalla, Protector of the Seal

Jiichan and Baachan

Jijii

Jinmenjuu

Joanne

Jolene

Jovani

Junglo

Kagoron

Kaepora Gaebora

Kakashi

Kamaro

Kamo

Karane

Keaton

Kiki

Kili, Hanna, and Misha

Killer Bees

Kina

King Bulblin

King Moblin

King Mutoh and his Knights

King of Red Lions

King Zora

Know-it-All Brothers

Knuckle

Kokkosan

Komali

Kortz

Koume and Kotake

Koun Bouya

Kukiel

Laruto

Ledd

Lenzo

Levias

Librari

Light Spirits

Linda

Linebeck

Linebeck III

Link

Link’s relatives

Link-goro

Lokomos

Madame Aroma

Madame MeowMeow

Madamu Yokuriiba

Mad Batter

Malladus

Majora’s Mask

Makar

Maku Trees

Malladus

Malon and Talon

Mama

Mamamu Yan

Mamba and the Yamatani King

Manbo

Man of Smiles

Map Kid

Maple and Syrup

Masaru

Master Eddo

Master Stalfos

Mayor Bo

Mayor Dotour

Mayor Hagen

Mayor Plen

Mayor Ruul

Medli

Melari

Merco

Merman

Mia

Midna

Mido

Mikau

Mila and Maggie

Minister Potho

Miss Marie

Monpe

Moonlight Merchant

Mr Akindo

Mr. Write

Nackle

Nabooru

Naked Salona

Navi

Netabare

Nightmares

Nimimamu Nimisutoppu

Nyave and Nyeve

Obli and Willi

Ocean King (Oshus)

Oinker Couple

Oinker King

Old Man and Old Woman

Old Man Ho Ho

Old Man Ulrira and Grandma Ulrira

Old Wayfarer

Oocoo

Ook

Oousotsukisama

Ordon Village Kids

Orielle (and Parrow)

Pamela

Papahl

Parts

Patch

Peatrice and Peater

Pergie and Jaggle

Phantom Guide

Photographer

Pierre and Bonooru

Piita

Pinkle

Piper

Pipit

Plats

Port Town Adults

Port Town Kids

Postman

Professor Shikashi

Pumm

Purdy

Purlo

Queen Ambi

Queen Bee

Quill

Rabbit Rescuer

Rabu-ya

Rafton

Raia

Raion

Ralis

Ralph

Rauru

Rem

Renado

Richard

Ricky, Moosh and Dimitri

River Devil

River Man

Romanos

Ronny

Rosa

Rosa Sisters

Rupin

Russel

Rusl

Rusta

Ruto

Sahasrahla

Sale

Salvage Corp.

Salvatore

Saria

Scervo

Schule Donavitch

Scrapper

Segaare

Sera

Shigumasento

Shiro

Silva

Simon

Skipper

Skull Kid and Friends

Soal

Sokra

Sorceress Veran

Sparrot

Spirits of Good

Spirits of Power, Wisdom, and Courage

Stockwell

Sturgeon and Orca

Sweetie

Sue-Belle

Teacher

Teddy Todo

Telma

Tetra’s Crew

Three Dragons

Tingle

Tingle's Uncle

Tomato Scarecrow

Torimushi

Tott

Trill

Tubert

Tyto

Uli

Uncle Rupee

Vaati

Valoo

Vasu

Viscen

Wannappuchan

Wheaton and Pita

Wind Fish

Wyrna

Yamori

Yeto and Yeta

Zant

Zanc

Zauz

Zelda

Zill

Zephos and Cyclos

Zonmi

Zora

Zunari

=============================================================================

? ? ?

The Hand that Rocks the Toilet

Race: ???

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Skyward Sword

Wow, what a way to start off the guide. So what we have here is...a hand, that

appears out of the Stock Pot Inn’s toilet. But only at night. And whatever it’s

attached to is never revealed, although personally I like to think it’s just a

hand and no more. Or maybe there’s a Dead Hand skulking down there, man, I

don’t know.

In all three of its appearances, ??? requires some kind of paper from you.

Yeah. This can be anything, from any any type of Title Deed to a note for Kafei

from his mother. In the case of Oracle of Ages, Link offers up some

Postman-brand Stationery. Here, though, ??? lives in a hole in a house in Lynna

City, so it may not be a toilet. On the other hand (so to speak), he gives Link

the Stink Bag in return. That was a little less welcome of a reward than the

Heart Piece he’d previously rolled out. Oh and by the way, ??? is actually

listed as such in the Bombers Notebook. I mean, I find it kind of interesting

that he even HAS an entry in the Bombers Notebook.

??? also makes a reappearance out of absolutely nowhere, figuring into a

Skyward Sword sidequest. Midway through the game, reports will surface of a

woman wailing in the Academy dormitories at nighttime. As it turns out, what is

thought to be a terrifying spectre is just ???, a disembodied female hand (...)

in need of, as always, some paper. After Link discovers this, Cawlin gives him

a Love Letter intended for Karane, his crush, in hopes that he'll deliver it

for him. Link then has a choice: He can either deliver it as intended, in which

case ??? will disappear, forlorn; or he can provide her with the paper she

needs, at which point she will read the letter, think it's for her, and spend

every night thereafter caressing Cawlin's ear in his sleep, to his obvious

discomfort. As a reward for helping her find love, Link gets a bunch of five

Gratitude Crystals.

Come to think of it, this is probably one of the more mysterious characters in

the Zelda universe. Wonderful.

=============================================================================

A g a h n i m

Sorcerer-puppet

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Shortly before the beginning of A Link to the Past, perhaps a year, an endless

chain of catastrophic natural disasters befell Hyrule. Typhoons, earthquakes

and floods wracked the land, causing massive collateral damage and killing many

people. Their origin could not be discerned, and they were so large even the

best magicians failed to end the threat. The King of Hyrule could only watch in

despair as his kingdom was slowly worn down.

Just when it seemed Hyrule was ready to give out, a wizard from a faraway land

appeared and, with some effort, put a stop to everything that was happening. He

was greeted as a hero and the King gratefully took him on as advisor. With his

suggestions taken into account, Hyrule prospered once again.

But in reality, well...Ganon is many things, but an idiot is not one of them.

After a previous duel with Link, he was imprisoned in the Golden Land, where he

stayed for hundreds of years. All this time, he plotted a means of escape,

transforming it into the sinister Dark World over time. Agahnim actually was a

kind wizard to begin with, so how he got to be under Ganon’s dominion is

unclear. At any rate, Ganon possesses the poor old man to use as his puppet,

then begins to exert his growing magical power on the Light World. When the

people of Hyrule are at their most desperate, he sends a false saviour to them.

Through Agahnim, Ganon is able to manipulate the Light World to his ends.

Agahnim begins sacrificing maidens late at night in Hyrule Castle’s tallest

tower, in the hopes of breaking the barrier between the worlds.

After Link collects the Pendants of Power, Courage, and Wisdom, he is able to

draw the Master Sword from its pedestal in the Lost Woods. When he re-emerges,

Agahnim has kidnapped Zelda from the Sanctuary, a place she thought was safe

and unknown to him. Link ascends Hyrule Castle and duels with Agahnim. In this

fight, Agahnim’s main attack is to throw coloured balls of magical energy at

Link, but they can easily be deflected with the Master Sword. The idea is to

smack it back into Agahnim’s body, damaging him with his own magic. He also has

a very powerful attack where he shoots lightning out of his hands, but it’s so

predictable and easy to avoid (just head for one of the room’s corners) that it

isn’t much of a threat.

After he’s beaten, he falls down dead, but Ganon uses the last of his presence

in the Light World to warp Link to the Dark World, where things are looking

bleak, both literally and figuratively. Agahnim reappears later in the game, as

the boss of the final dungeon, Ganon’s Tower. Here, he gains the ability to

briefly become invisible, and some of his magical orb attacks can’t be

deflected. He can also create two shadow clones of himself, which can distract

Link with potentially fatal consequences if he doesn’t know which ones are

which, but their attacks pass right through him. Other than that, his attack

pattern is the same.

At the end of Link’s Awakening, the final boss is a collection of foes from

previous games, and Agahnim is one of them. As with A Link to the Past, to

defeat him you have to deflect his only attack back at him. This form is

pathetically easy. Some people say that it’s easier to deflect his attacks with

the Shovel rather than the Sword, which is not true.

Agahnim also made one final appearance in Oracle of Seasons as the mini-boss of

Level 3, Poison Moth’s Lair. This one works a little differently. The room

starts off dark, with Agahnim and two clones. There are two torches in the

middle of the room, around which the three hover. Link must light the torches

with Ember Seeds from his Seed Satchel, then quickly examine all three

assailants before the light goes out again. The one who casts a shadow is the

real Agahnim, and the only one who can be hurt, by being repeatedly bashed with

a sword. All three can damage Link, however, and it can be tricky to get a hit

in while trying to avoid attacks. It’s never explained how what was once a

powerful figure became relegated to a forgettable mini-boss, but I’d guess this

incarnation was an invention of Ganon.

=============================================================================

A g i t h a

Probably doesn’t deserve to be third on the list

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Agitha is a very strange girl who loves bugs. Specifically, she’s looking for

24 golden members of the phylum arthropoda, which she asks Link to seek out so

that she can hold Agitha’s Ball at her house, called Agitha’s Castle. She makes

funny little noises, and the way she talks (in third person, for one thing) and

the way she acts have caused some to question her sanity. She even sends Link a

letter telling him about a fairly...interesting dream she has. Also, she has a

peeping tom.

=============================================================================

A l f o n z o

Comfortingly familiar

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Although he bears an uncanny resemblance to Gonzo in both name and body,

possibly an indication of direct lineage, you’ll quickly realise that Alfonzo

is a totally new character with a personal history of his own. Long before the

game opens, he was a legendary swordsman in the ranks of the Royal Guard, sworn

to protect his liege and homeland with all the might within him. He was

generally regarded as the single strongest warrior in the country’s short

history, with the possible exception of Link. However, for one reason or

another he eventually left the order to pursue a career as a train conductor

(mid-life crisis?), which is why we find him a Royal Engineer and our own

mentor as we begin the game.

After reminding Link of the basics of train operation, Alfonzo lauds his

natural talent for the task but waits by the vehicle while Link heads for the

castle to receive his engineering certificate from Princess Zelda. When, to his

surprise, Link actually brings the girl back with him when he returns, he hears

her out and immediately decides to help her reach the Tower of Spirits, like

the hero he really is. When the trio finds themselves ambushed at the hands of

Chancellor Cole and his lackey, Byrne, only minutes later, Alfonzo steps in to

fend them off but is roundly defeated. He spends the next segment of the game

in bed at the Castle, recovering from his injuries, but is well enough to

travel by the time Link vanquishes the Forest Temple, and asks the young ‘un to

deliver him back to Aboda Village, their mutual hometown. Once here, he

assembles a cannon for the Spirit Train and links it up, finally allowing Link

to fight back when assaulted by the monsters and Bokoblins who harry him at

every frickin’ turn in this game. This act signals Alfonzo’s departure from

anything of very great importance, but from here on in he provides the service

of switching out your train cars for you as you please, in order to attain

maximum coolness and Heart Bonus and whatnot, free of charge even.

=============================================================================

A n j e a n

Lokomo leader

Race: Lokomo

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

At 100 years old, Anjean was present when Tetra, Link and whoever else finally

made landfall as their years-long sojourn finally came to an end. By her own

testimony, she knew the erstwhile Princess of Hyrule rather well, and entrusted

her with the Spirit Flute that she would later pass down to the Zelda of Spirit

Tracks. As a member of the tribe sworn to protect humanity on behalf of the

spirits, Anjean was also likely a participant in the first battle to chain the

evil demon king Malladus.

Some people like to point out that Anjean and Tetra have a similar hairstyle,

as if that means something. Her name is a pun on the word ‘engine,’ the train

part.

The Link of Zelda of the Spirit Tracks era encounter her early on at the Tower

of Spirits, and she immediately becomes the quest-dealer, dishing out both

storyline and objectives. Eventually, she starts to ride around with them on

the Spirit Train, and is present for the final battle. She and Byrne seem to

have some history; it seems to be she who saves his life after his apparent

death at the hands of Malladus.

=============================================================================

A n j u a n d K a f e i

Star-cross’d lovers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Skull Kid, under the influence of Majora’s Mask, commits all manner of

deeds which he apparently views as mere mischief, but which are really quite

taxing on their recipients. As the game begins, Anju and Kafei are set to be

married in three days. However, the Skull Kid has transformed Kafei into a

child!

Kafei can’t bear to show his face in this state, so he spends most of his time

hanging around the back room of the Curiosity Shop. He goes to great lengths to

ensure nobody finds out who he is. He arranges for the postman to give a

special signal when he delivers any mail to Kafei, and when the man-boy does

venture out, he wears a Keaton’s Mask and refuses to talk to anyone.

Through the longest and most complicated side-quest in the game, you can

reunite them:

FIRST DAY

-The mayor, the Captain of the Guard and the chief carpenter are arguing in the

mayor’s office. Talk to the mayor’s wife, Madame Aroma. She’ll give you Kafei’s

Mask, which allows you to interrogate people as to whether or not they’ve seen

her son.

-Listen to Anju’s and the postman’s conversation at the Stock Pot Inn – Anju is

the innkeeper. The postman knows where Kafei is, but won’t tell. He would never

sell out a friend, I guess.

-Talk to Anju. She’ll screw up and give away somebody else’s room to you. Talk

to her again to arrange a midnight meeting.

-At midnight, meet Anju in the Stock Pot Inn’s kitchen. She’ll ask you to

deliver a letter, even though she could have just done it herself with much

less effort. Put it in any mailbox.

SECOND DAY

-Witness the postman delivering the letter. Talk to Kafei in the Curiosity

Shop’s back room. He’ll give you the Pendant of Memories.

-Return a little later. The owner will be there now. He has the Keaton’s Mask

and the Express Mail to Mama. Deliver the latter to Madame Aroma to receive an

empty Bottle. Alternately, give it the postman to get the Postman’s Hat later

on.

-Sakon, a local malcontent, stole Kafei’s Sun’s Mask, which is basically an

engagement ring. (Sakon steals other junk too.) Break into his hideout in Ikana

Canyon, accidentally activate the security system, and work through it, finally

recovering the mask.

This marks the first time in Zelda history that players were able to control

someone other than Link. The focus shifted between Link fighting Deku Babas on

one half of the security system and Kafei solving block puzzles on the other.

With this complete, Link went to see them in the Employees Only room of the

Stock Pot Inn. Kafei finally showed up, but not until the last hour before the

moon hit home. Kafei still looks like a child O_o but they marry each other in

a private and hasty ceremony in which they exchange the Sun’s and Moon’s Masks,

respectively. This forms the Couple’s Mask, which they give to Link in thanks.

This is truly one of the most emotional scenes in the series, I think. They

hold each other, crying, and say they will greet the coming morning, together.

This is kind of sad, because they know that the instant dawn arrives, the moon

will make planetfall and they’ll both die.

It’s even sadder if you make a mistake and are unable to recover the Sun’s

Mask; if you screw up, you don’t have another shot until you reset the three

day timer and do everything over. If this happens, Anju will still go to the

Employees Only room to wait for Kafei, but he doesn’t show up, no matter how

long you wait. Anju dies alone in extreme grief. Depressing, isn’t it?

But wait! For every side-quest you complete that yields a Happy Mask as its

reward, you get to watch an additional segment of the ending cutscene when you

beat the game. If you do manage to complete this complicated quest, you’ll see

that Anju and Kafei later had a much more elaborate marriage ceremony just

outside the South Entrance, with many attendees and a white dress and excessive

confetti. Ah, it brings a smile to one’s face, unless one resents happy people.

Or has no mouth.

Anju’s poly is reused from Ocarina of Time. In that game, she was called the

Cucco Lady. She lived in Kakariko Village and raised Cuccos (if you aren’t

aware, those are Zeldafied chickens) even though she was allergic to them. She

later bred a special Cucco she wasn’t allergic to, and which played a part in

the Trading Game to get Biggoron’s Sword.

=============================================================================

A n k l e

Footwrist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

One of Tingle’s younger brothers, Ankle appeared in two of the three Zelda

games whose subtitles begin with ‘The.’ Along with Knuckle and David Jr, Ankle

slaved away at spinning Tingle Tower, that it might smile on all corners of the

world. Ankle is much more temperate than his fellows, neither wondering about

his work nor going insane because of it. Like the others, Ankle wears a Tingle

suit, this one pink.

In The Minish Cap, he sits atop a plateau and offers to fuse Kinstone pieces.

Doing so enough times with all four members of the party (what, were we

foreshadowing Tingle RPG or something?) will unbar caves, cause Golden Monsters

to appear and do other unnecessary but worthwhile things.

=============================================================================

A n o u k i

Accurate portrayal of Inuit culture

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

The various Anouki of Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks present a unique

problem in that my rule of trying to include all named characters would

stipulate that I put them in here somewhere, but almost none of them do

anything worthwhile. So whatever, here are all the Anouki who have names but

not their own entries, all in one easy-to-digest directory.

The Anouki of PH inhabit the Isle of Frost, but one of the residents of Anouki

Estates is actually a Yook in disguise. How he managed that feat I don’t know,

because Yooks are about twice the size of Anouki. Anyway, Aroo turns out to be

the culprit; Link resuces the real Aroo later. For the record, these are they:

Aroo

Bulu

Gumo

Kumu

Mazo

There is also another named Anouki, Noabode, who is homeless (get it? Homeless?

No abode?) and just stands at the edge of a cliff, which is apparently a sign

of enjoyment rather than a call for swift intervention.

The Anouki of ST are apparently descendants of the originals, making their home

in a second Anouki Village, this one located in the southwest corner of the

Snow Realm. The problem this time is that their leader, Honcho, wishes to

organize them into patrol pairs, but they’re all stupidly choosy about who they

will or won’t work with. It is therefore Link’s task to figure this stuff out

for them, based on their preferences regarding antler size, presence of facial

hair, colour of parka, etc. He could make a killing as a matchmaker.

Dobo

Fofo

Kofu

Yefu

Yeko

There’s also a little guy called Noko who manufactures and sells Mega Ice, a

type of freight. When first encountered, he’s in a bind as an Ice Chuchu fell

into the pool he uses for making Mega Ice, but Link takes him to Wellspring

Station and fixes that right up. Noko is extremely protective of his ice-making

techniques, and won’t allow Link to witness them.

=============================================================================

A n t o n

Exercise freak

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

In his capacity as Windfall Island’s beret-wearing heartthrob and most

inquisitve explorer, Anton helps Link out in a couple of ways when he pulls

through. The first is to accidentally impart some critical knowledge that

allows Link to perform a crime. This is owing to his strong desire for

kickboxing cross-training, which leads him to power-walk up, down and across

the vast majority of the island at all hours of the daylight, resultantly

giving him intimate knowledge of all the island’s details, including secret

routes. The other is his direct participation in Link’s receiving a Heart

Piece, which he does when Link sets him up with Linda. He’s almost like one of

Windfall’s mascots.

=============================================================================

A r o o

Kidnapped

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

A docile member of Anouki Village on the Isle of Frost, Aroo is kidnapped by an

anomymous Yook who attempts to infiltrate Anouki society by setting up shop

within the belly of the beast, taking his place in day-to-day affairs. However,

despite taking the utmost of care in his clandestine pursuits, the impostor

just can’t sneak anything past the village Chief. Upon meeting Link, the Chief

commissions Link to head to Anouki Estates and determine which of its occupants

is the Yook in disguise by talking to each one of them in turn and playing a

simple logic game in which he combines their statements with the knowledge that

all Yook are compulsive liars. When he finds the contradiction, Link pins Aroo

as the fake. Cornered, the Yook jettisons Link from the hovel with frigid

breath and makes good his escape back to the eastern, Yook-controlled side of

the island. In exchange for the promise of an eventual Pure Metal, Link gives

chase, storms the Temple of Ice, defeats its master Gleeok, and ends up

rescuing Aroo in the process, returning him to his rightful home.

=============================================================================

A s t r i d

Ostrich

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a real genius on our hands here. Astrid is

the fortune-teller residing on the Isle of Ember, but she’s kind of useless.

First of all, when you meet her she’s hiding from monsters, and has locked

herself away in a room she doesn’t know how to unlock, even though it’s in her

own house. To open the door, you have to track down the remains of her dead

assistant Kayo and talk to his ghost, since he’s the only one who knows the

secret. Eventually Link frees her from her storage room, after which she helps

him enter the Temple of Fire.

She displays further uselessness after he blazes through it, however, stating

that she’s really not too sure what’s going on exactly. Come on, lady, you

should really be up on this sort of thing. Of course she can predict the future

and let Link know where he needs to head off to next, but Linebeck’s planning

skills serve that same purpose, as do the powers of every other fortune teller

in any Legend of Zelda game ever. That’s all she’s good for, too – I mean the

Twilight Princess seer could show Link the exact location of Pieces of Heart.

I’m not impressed. -.-

Later on, she reveals herself to be a distant descendant of the bygone Cobble

Kingdom, which may be where she came into her farsight.

=============================================================================

A v e i l

Linear Motor Girl

Race: Gerudo

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Aveil makes her appearance for the span of one line of dialogue in Majora’s

Mask in which we learn she’s the commander and ‘elder sister’ figure of the

Gerudo living at Pirates’ Fortress. But although this may be her crowning

achievement, we can infer a few things from it. First of all, she was probably

responsible for the theft of Lulu’s eggs, meaning she’s either ruthless or

vindictive or both. Because honestly, the pirates have no use for them, they

aren’t even sure what they are. Wisdom aside, we also know that she must be a

charismatic and inspiring leader if she’s managed to rally that taciturn group

of reclusive warrior-women under her banner. Her station furthermore suggests a

few things about her skills: The girl with whom she shares a poly, the captain

of Ocarina of Time’s Gerudo Fortress, was known to be expert in the furious art

of the Gerudo scimitar, so it stands to reason that Aveil’s mastery would be on

a similar level. This may not necessarily be the case, however, since the two

are obviously not direct analogues; apart from the basic differences of thieves

versus pirates, Aveil is clearly more knowledgeable in the employment of

mechanical technology - in fact, maybe moreso than anybody else in the entire

Zelda universe - as evidenced by the complex workings of her outfit’s

stronghold. I mean, just look at the outer garrison. The sentries are piloting

MOTORBOATS. Where else do we see anything even approaching that level of

technology? There’s Aveil’s actual crowning achievement right there. I’ll bet

she’s an impressive pilot, too.

=============================================================================

A z u s a

Trainspotter

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Between Azusa and Raia, it's hard to say who constitutes the more horrifying

prospect as a girlfriend. Certainly, Raia is monstrous, but the fact that Azusa

is even vaguely humanoid ends up plunging her into the uncanny valley.

Fortunately you'll have some time to decide whether or not that's a burden you

wish to shoulder, as you'll meet her well in advance in of actually being able

to court her. She is first discovered outside the garage on Page 4, trying to

find a way in. As with all the main love interests, despite Tingle's immediate

infatuation with her, she screams and runs away. You can see how he has trouble

getting a lady when stuff like this keeps happening, although some dialogue

seems to suggest that his newfound skintight suit is part of the problem.

Pursuit isn't initially possible, but after gaining the power to travel back in

time the group can return to the garage, whose door they opened and whose liner

they made off with. In the machine's absence, they find a secret door that

leads to Azusa's hideout, filled to bursting with all manner of train-related

research and collectibles. With a conductor's uniform, crazy blonde hair, huge

spectacles, and few teeth, well, I did mention it before, but Azusa is

definitely one of your less attractive potentials, but you'll need to win her

over if you want to get the good ending.

The secret is to give her a section of the Model Train whose pieces she's

looking for, at which point she'll immediately reconsider her opinion of

Tingle, unbar her first heart and become available to Love Push. Once that

threshold has been crossed, she'll move on to the maze of maintenance tracks

on, I believe, Page 8. She's inside the tunnel on which the labourers worked so

hard before melting in the sun, and will become receptive to a further Love

Push if given the next piece of the model, conveniently located in the pile of

refuse and documents just outside. She will then ask Tingle for one final,

massive favour: Finding the final piece of the model, which she suspects is

somewhere in the maze but is too afraid to look for personally. Since Tingle's

train is much farther along down the path (wherever that may be when you decide

to make the detour), you get to borrow Azusa's for the duration of the

side-quest. It's functionally identical but based on a 19th Century steam

engine, in contrast to the futuristic liner we've been piloting up until now.

When you do get the last part back to her, as well as the Trainforce, Azusa can

FINALLY be Love Pushed into intentionally meeting Tingle at the dance party

(instead of just by coincidence, which is what happens otherwise). Yes, after

all that, you STILL have to give her a metric tonne of useless garbage before

she'll agree to go out with you. Yeah, putting money together is going to

represent a fair chunk of your time spent with this game if you play it, so get

used to it. When you fill her final heart, she goes out to the plateau on which

Jijii was lately stranded, and begins to march around in a circle pretending to

be a train. As she does, she sings a song that she makes up on the spot,

basically saying that it's their new couple song. Like the other girls, Azusa

is the prize in a dance-off between Tingle and Nimidanshaku, and is also a

possible choice as the love of his life in the final sequence. Well, hey, have

at it if you take a liking to her.

=============================================================================

B a g u

Blip on the radar

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

A blacksmith-looking guy who lives in a secluded house in the woods, Bagu gives

Link a note allowing him access to the bridge leading to the Water Town of

Mido. Though this solution may be somewhat non-obvious, the hint that indicates

it is even more obscure, as a friendly Zol will apprise you of the man's

purpose and whereabouts.

=============================================================================

B a l l o o n F i g h t e r

99 Red Barons

Race: Human

Appearances: Chinkuru no Baruun Faito

Balloon Fighter, the protagonist of the original Balloon Fight for NES, makes a

tiny cameo in the opening movie (if you can call it that) of Tingle's Balloon

Fight. Tingle, limping over the sea on the power of only his red balloon, spots

some Rupees floating up above, and struggles to gain altitude in order to reach

them. Just as he's about to make the acquisition, however, Balloon Fighter

cruises onto the scene, casually snags both, and passes right on through. What

a dick. Then some flying enemies appear and pop Tingle's remaining balloon,

sending him plummeting into the water below, where he is eaten by a giant fish.

=============================================================================

B a r k l e

Tingle's best friend

Race: Dog

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Iroduzki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Dogs, I'm not a fan. Tingle first encounters his new pet in the depths of

Pirate's Hideout. The place is overrun with problems, but the most troublesome

by far is a fearsome monster...which turns out to be a cute (if for some reason

you like dogs) little puppy. Of course, being made entirely of bones, the

skeletal pirates are terrified to 'death' of being nommed on. Barkle

accompanies Tingle until the segment's completion, after which he trots off to

his house and starts living there. Its purpose is mainly to add to the scenery,

which remains fairly drab until you fill it up with Rupee Goods and a hologram,

but if you feed it a bunch of Bones it'll sometimes bring back a random item.

You're better off holding onto them in case you need them for a Recipe, because

it doesn't come up with anything very exciting. For reasons that are never

explained, Barkle wears a Tingle suit.

It appears briefly in the beginning and ending of Balloon Trip, that is to say,

the parts that take place in the real world, except of course not wearing a

Tingle suit. If Tingle elects to remain in his fantasy world when presented

with the option of going home, Barkle will be shown urinating on the book

Tingle now lives in. That's fantastic.

=============================================================================

B a r n e s

& Noble

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Barnes the bomb man is a manufacturer of all fine products that explode after

being partially lit on fire. Unlike most purveyors of such merchandise, Barnes

has developed a couple of unique products not found anywhere else in the

series. The first is the Water Bomb, which can be operated even underwater, a

utilitarian and often critical feature (they can, of course, also be used

elsewhere if the bearer’s equipment is running short.) The second is the

Bombling, which is just plain awesome. Much like the Bombchu, once deployed the

Bombling rushes forward on its own propulsion, though in this case it teeters

around on spindly legs rather than rocket off on a slick of mystery. Also

unlike Bombchu, which move in a straight line, Bomblings home in on the nearest

threatening body. These brilliant inventions have led to great success for

Barnes’ Bombs, a shop greatly resembling a garage (Barnes even wears a welder’s

mask while he works) located off lower Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. Or maybe

partway up the cliffs that form the Kakariko Village gorge, you decide.

When Zant brought Twilight down on Eldin Province, Barnes was one of the

handful of survivors who managed to take shelter in Renado’s dugout. Of those

few, Barnes is clearly one of the calmer and more level-headed, racking his

brains for solutions rather than freaking out when beasts come knocking at

their makeshift barrier. He does, however, reasonably stay within its

boundaries since he’d be destroyed instantaneously if he tried to put up any

kind of fight, but if we purposely go to lengths to look at it from a

glass-half-full perspective, it means that Link doesn’t have to waste any

energy protecting him. After Kakariko’s liberation, Barnes gets to work on a

few new projects, namely the aforementioned Water Bombs and Bomblings, the

former of which allow Link to access Lakebed Temple and the Goron stuck in the

meteor at Zora’s Domain.

=============================================================================

B a r o n

Bonus boss

Race: Lesser Deity

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Though he features one of the less intimidating names among Zelda bosses, Baron

is one of the most powerful entities in the entirety of Tingle's homeland. The

very God of War himself, Baron, once known as Bamo, bears a grudge against all

living things, having killed many men in battle and holed up in a cave near the

summit of Mt Desma when their families gathered to return the favour. He

challenges you to fight him before a single fight-cloud has elapsed, and if you

engage, you will absolutely fail unless accompanied by one of the Drifter

Bodyguards. You're best to do it with Teddy Todo. As it turns out, Baron slew

Teddy Todo's father in battle many years ago, and said progeny has vowed to

avenge his father by killing Baron. This is what led to him becoming a

bodyguard and continually seeking to increase his strength, and he will be

eternally grateful if you give him the opportunity to accomplish his lifelong

goal. He leaves behind a flower in memoriam. Baron, meanwhile, leaves behind

the Demon Mask, which can be sold to any of the Drifter Bodyguards; Teddy Todo

gives the least, perhaps because he doesn't want to be reminded, while Ronny

gives the most, perhaps respecting Baron's commitment to living all-out.

Surprisingly, Baron resurges in the sequel-of-sorts, Irdozuki Chinkuru no Koi

no Baruun Torippu. Returning to Usotami Village after having already cleared

it, Tingle's party learns that a terrifying monsters has been roaming around

the nearby desert, attacking anyone who gets too close. Thus they set out to

search for it, with a view toward making the area safer for its inhabitants.

The entire Usotami Desert section of the game is amazing, as it basically

spoofs turn-based RPGS, SNES-era Final Fantasy in particular. Tingle, Buriki

and Raion are each able to use their respective abilities to combat the

monsters they encounter in random battles, earning rewards such as Rupees and

the Water necessary to endure the harsh conditions without losing

consciousness. Oftentimes Raion or Buriki is able to vanquish opponents through

irresistible force (and sometimes a Mario RPG-style quicktime event), but the

trick is finding exactly the right move for the situation at hand. Tingle's

combat abilities are weak, which should surprise no one, but he's capable of

using the various tools he's acquired over the course of his journey; one

particularly clever fight involves him removing the screws from a sarcophagus

in order to assault its contents. Anyway, the mystical medicine capable of

reviving both Princess Emera and Tingle's parental units proves the key to

easing Baron's pain as well. It is then revealed that he has undergone

veritable torture for hundreds of years, and has merely been in search of

someone to help him with it. Baron is healed, the Usotami are safe, Tingle gets

a Secret, and a good time is had by all.

=============================================================================

B a t r e a u x

What a horrible night to have a curse.

Race: Initially Demon, later Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Though born a demon somewhat resembling a Dragon Quest character, Batreaux's

deepest desire is to be human. He and Tingle would get along great, for a

number of reasons really. A seven-foot-tall robed individual with yellow bat

wings and shades, Batreaux cuts an intimidating figure, and at first seems to

have abducted Kukiel. If Link hears a scream and rushes in prepared to attack,

Batreaux will move to defend himself but then beg for mercy after taking only a

single hit. It's not what it looks like, he pleads: It's not that Kukiel is in

distress, but rather they are playing the Scream as Loud as You Can Game.

Kukiel confirms. We never find out who wins.

Kukiel, it turns out, was the only person on Skyloft who was willing to give

him a chance, and as a result has become his only friend. Due to his fearsome

appearance, whenever Batreaux would wander amongst the locals at night they

would mistake him for someone of ill intent and run screaming; this is

particularly true of the old man at Pumpkin Landing, though no one believes

him. This lifestyle has worn on Batreaux, and now he only wants to walk

shoulder to shoulder with Skylofters as one of them. Fortunately, he has

discovered a way to literally transform himself. All he requires is 80

Gratitude Crystals, small shining objects that look like Star Bits from Super

Mario Galaxy, and predictably he would be thoroughly in your debt if you were

to gather some for him.

He's a pretty hard guy to say no to, and the lengthy sidequest that results is

reminiscent of Majora's Mask's Happy Mask sideqests in that they all involve

encountering someone with a (sometimes extremely trivial) problem and doing

what you can to solve it, sometimes in unexpected ways, such as when Owlan

wants to study a new plant and you bring him back a Kikwi. And since it starts

early and can't be completed until quite late, it feels like a continuing

endeavour rather than a series of disconnected fetch quests. Additionally,

there are 15 Gratitude Crystals merely sitting around in Skyloft that only

appear at night. The most interesting of these are the one in Zelda's room,

which can only be accessed by breaking into it, and on Beedle's Island, which

can only be accessed by falling asleep in the bed in his flying store.

As you progress, he will further motivate you with progressively higher (and

less interesting) rewards, including a Heart Piece, pointlessly large Wallet

upgrades, Rupees to go with them, and a Cursed Medal. The last one he begs you

not to accept, as it confers a sharply increased Treasure drop rate at the

horrifying cost of not being able to open your Adventure Pouch. Obviously it's

not quite as awful a fate as it's made out to be, but but it's certainly not

worth it. When you eventually do collect 80 Crystals, he'll be overjoyed,

transform into a human, declare that he can now live among the Skylofters as

one of them, and immediately continue to stand exactly where he is for the rest

of the game.

=============================================================================

B e a v e r B r o t h e r s

Nickel Phelps

Race: Beavers

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Back when Mikau was still alive and the Terminan waters were still vibrant and

inviting, the Beaver Brothers loved nothing better than to taunt him

ceaselessly about his inability to beat them at the little game they had set up

in a tiny out-of-the-way inlet off the beach at Zora Cape. Fortunately, he was

able to get his revenge post-mortem when Link assumed his form and finally

wiped the smug smiles off their stupid faces. Fooled by Link’s disguise, the

brothers immediately challenge ‘Mikau’ to one of the coolest mini-games ever,

on par with Pokemon Stadium’s legendary Sushi-go-Round. As it turns out, in

spite of Mikau’s previous difficulties Beaver Brothers isn’t even that

difficult. All it asks of you is subtle manipulations of your fish as you swim

at top speed through a series of progressively more difficult lifeguard rings.

The second part, hosted by the older brother, is marginally more difficult than

the younger brother’s portion, and you might even fail a few times, but mostly

it’s just the sheer exhilaration of trying to keep up with your target as you

hurtle through neckbreakingly tight curves and he merrily bobs along with the

current. Incidentally, the whole setup was so well-received that a very similar

event appeared in Super Mario Galaxy, more than once in fact. After being

beaten, the slack-jawed Beaver Brothers admit that Mikau is a much more skilled

swimmer than they thought, and yield a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

B e e d l e

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

Beedle

I can’t believe I managed to forget Beedle through two revisions O_o

I can’t believe it because he’s iconic to The Wind Waker, and The Wind Waker is

my favourite Zelda. Beedle really showed what the society of TWW was all about.

Like Marin and Tarin from Link’s Awakening, Beedle was always moving around the

world. Wherever you went, you could find him not too far off. Later on he gave

you a map that would actually point out precisely where you could find him,

completely ruining the illusion that he was constantly on the move, but

personally I try to keep the idea alive in my mind.

Actually, the mask he wears in that one map section and his appearance in other

games open up the floor for clones or Nurse Joy Syndrome or chrono-impairment

or something. I like my version better though.

Beedle could be found all over the place because he lived on what Nintendo

Power ticklingly called his ‘floating shop ship.’ Like many businessmen in

Zelda, he doesn’t quite understand the concept of location, joining the ranks

of such luminaries as the guy who peddled his wares from a magic carpet

floating over a perilous sand pit in the middle of the nearly uninhabited

Gerudo Desert. Somehow, Beedle seems to make ends meet, though I kind of wonder

where he gets his supplies...maybe he puts in to port from time to time. Yeah,

that would be supported by his being docked at the opening of TWW.

Beedle mainly sells Bait Bags, All-Purpose Bait and Hyoi Pears, and, rarely,

Treasure Maps. Not exactly the most compelling merchandise, but he did trick me

into buying a ton of it through his supposed rewards programme. This takes the

form of a points card like you can find at any damn business anywhere these

days, but whose main reward is a slight reduction in price on all products.

Thing is, the stuff he’s selling is only marginally useful in the first place,

and by the time you work up that many points you’re probably at the end of the

game, meaning their usefulness has dropped to exactly zero – since at that

point you’ve probably filled in your map and uncovered all the secrets you’re

going to bother to uncover.

The reward for I believe the Silver Membership, however, was kind of novel. It

was a coupon you could present to Beedle at any time, at which point he would

stand up and yell to high heaven about what a great person you were. His

explanation? Everybody can use encouragement from time to time. Which is great,

even if I was sort of expecting something with an in-game benefit of some sort.

After the end of The Wind Waker, Beedle apparently follows Link, Tetra and the

crew thousands of miles into uncharted waters, suggesting he is some kind of

stalker. He’s basically unchanged in his PH appearance, though as I recall his

rewards this time take the form of coupons that can be used for actual

discounts.

Spirit Tracks is where it gets weird. Given the dearth of open water found in

most of that game’s setting, Beedle has switched from seaborne to airborne

retailer, and has taken to selling Treasures at twice their value in addition

to his usual assortment of Bombs and sub-standard Potions. Later on, you can

take a kid from Aboda Village, Link’s hometown, to live with Beedle in his

ship, to which the merchant protests profusely; he stays there for the

remainder of the game. But none of this is weird, what’s weird is that ST takes

place ONE HUNDRED YEARS after PH, and yet Beedle doesn’t look a day older than

he did then! Admittedly, he’s likely just a descendant of that game’s Beedle,

since Zelda and Link and others have shown up looking just as they did and they

are verifiably not the same people, and on top of that, characters reappear

outside of their own direct continuities a lot, as with various minor

characters in The Minish Cap. However, Beedle is neither confirmed to be a

different person nor is he in a different continuity, so isn’t it way more

interesting to believe he’s the same guy? I mean seriously, who actually

expected him to appear in ST?

He makes an unexpected, but awesome, return in Skyward Sword, likely cementing

him as a series mainstay from here on in. He once again runs a shop, but it's a

little flying buggy that circles the Skyloft Bazaar all day, its rotors powered

by Beedle frantically pedalling on an 80s-style exercise bike with matching

electronic display. It's hard work, and so he angrily ejects you if you add

your weight to the contraption but try to leave without buying anything. At

night, the shop returns to Beedle's humble island, upon which he casts off his

typical mannerisms in favour of an unnecessarily refine speech pattern intended

to convey his intellectual prowess...you know, I was trying to mimic it just

there, as a joke, but that's kind of just how I write, isn't it. Anyway, you

can experience this dramatic shift in character by falling asleep in his shop's

bed, as he will then 'decline to wake you' and spirit you off to his island,

where you can have a heart-to-heart. There are a few items here than you can

only get at night, but more importantly, towards the end of the game he will

reveal that he has lost his prize pet, the incredibly rare Horned Colossus

Beetle. As it turns out, Strich has come across it, but refuses to hand it over

unless Link can prove himself worthy of it. This manifests in the form of a

bug-catching challenge, in which Link must collect ten particular bugs (as

randomly mandated by Strich) in under three minutes. When Link finally returns

the Beetle, Beedle spits out a bunch of five Gratitude Crystals.

Beedle has a bowl cut, an enormous pink nose that conceals his mouth, and a

somewhat too-happy demeanour. Also, he wears nothing but blue shorts with a

white skull printed on the crotch.

=============================================================================

B e l a r i

Drops hardcore bombs

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Bearing a similar name to quest-critical Melari, Belari is an older Minish

living in Minish Village in Minish Woods. How happy. While most of his kind

embrace the Minish spirit of helping the Big Folk by performing thankless good

deeds and hiding nice things for them to find, Belari puts his efforts towards

inventing and making things, specifically Bombs. He bequeaths Link with the

Bomb Bag early in the game, and later on offers the option of swapping between

regular Bombs and Remote Bombs, an invention of his own devising, which don’t

explode until commanded to do so by the user. Those things are just plain neat.

=============================================================================

B e l l u m

Creature straight out of a nightmare

Race: Lesser Deity?

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Although Bellum is a constant veiled presence even throughout the early game

and acted to both directly and indirectly set the game’s events into motion,

his existence isn’t revealed until over halfway through the game. Failing to

clue Link in on the nature of the evil he’s fighting against is a little

irresponsible of the Ocean King, but at least he knows enough about his

assailant to devise a counterattack. Briefly prior to the beginning of the

game, Bellum appeared out of nowhere, beat up the Ocean King, jacked almost all

of his power including that of the Phantom Hourglass, and took up residence in

his Temple’s inner sanctum. Bellum captured Leaf and Neri, the Spirits of

Courage and Wisdom, and sent them across the sea to dungeons to be guarded by

hideous Hourglass-born monsters. The Ocean King and Ciela, Spirit of Courage,

barely escape, the latter without even her memories, and bide their time in

disguise as the Ocean King tries to devise a plan of action. After a long

journey all around the four corners of Bellum’s newfound territory, Link

acquires the Phantom Sword, possibly the only weapon capable of defeating his

monstrous foe. He then finally takes the plunge and delves into the deepest

depths of the Temple of the Ocean King to confront the usurper, and we are

treated to perhaps the third-coolest final boss battle in the entire Zelda

series.

The first phase of the battle is his longest and least interesting, but I’m

still struck by the sheer creepiness of ugly’s manifestation. It doesn’t look

like much on DS, but its weirdness can’t be denied. Bellum takes the form of

what seems to be essentially a squirming, bloated grub with a slack-jawed

orifice from which springs a single orange-red eye that stares at Link with

insane obsession. This misshapen mass is suspended from the walkways that ring

the cylindrical chamber by a system of eyed, clawed tentacles that whip at Link

with lightning speed as miniature minions harry his flight, necessitating

guerrilla-style dodge-and-counterattack tactics with the Bow and other weapons.

After taking a beating, a tentacle’s eye changes colour and Bellum withdraws it

temporarily, perhaps feeling it’s a little too sore and tender to risk further

harm for the time being. Once every tentacle (there’s like ten) has been

bested, Bellum retreats to a higher position and regroups himself as Link

scrambles up a staircase to the next level up.

Once Bellum has ascended to the ceiling and been defeated for a third time, he

says screw this noise and starts FLYING around the place trying to run Link

down. Thinking quickly, Ciela enhances Link’s Hour power with the ability to

momentarily stop time, giving him a brief window of opportunity in which to

whale on Bellum’s eye.

After the already beaten and ragged creature receives the brunt of several such

deadly assaults, he flees to the Ghost Ship and takes off as fast as he

possibly can. Link and and Linebeck leap aboard their vessel and give chase,

shooting down the volleys of strange, organic projectiles that the enemy craft

lobs at them while mounting an offensive of their own, firing a barrage of

bombs into the many turbulent eyes plastered across the Ghost Ship. I totally

saw this coming, too. I just knew that after spending half the game on the S.S.

Linebeck, there had to be at least one seaborne boss battle, and it was really

gratifying to see it here considering its sad absence in The Wind Waker.

Upon disabling the Ghost Ship, the duo marries and boards it...only to have

Linebeck immediately possessed. Bellum’s phantomile and Linebeck’s humanity

converge to form a tall, armoured, broadsword-wielding soldier. Compared to the

Metroidness of his previous form, the shape he takes on now more closely

resembles a traditional Zelda character, but it’s not entirely what you’d call

a typical Zelda battle. Sword vs. sword combats always turn out interesting for

some reason. Though his defences seem impregnable, Link once again uses a

show-stopping performance to get behind him and attack his only apparent

weakness, the still-gaping eye on his back (that thing is ever present, isn’t

it). Unfortunately, all this accomplishes is some futile attacks on the closed

ocular organ and the capture of Ciela, so that sort of backfired. In spite of

her situation, the resourceful fairy is still able to use her potent powers to

Link’s benefit, though she is considerably restrained due to her position atop

Bellum’s head. From here, Link’s task is to cross swords with Bellum until

their weapons clash in a mighty Power Struggle that upon Link’s victory yields

a moment of confusion on Bellum’s part. Ciela takes advantage of this lapse in

concentration to reimbue the Hourglass with one full charge, giving Link the

opportunity he needs. On top of this, since the eye is only open periodically,

Ciela displays it on the top screen so that Link will know when make his move.

After being hacked to hell by the Phantom Sword, Bellum explodes, his armour

coughs up Linebeck, the Ghost Ship dissipates, and all evil lifts from the

Ocean King’s domain.

There are a number of mysteries surrounding Bellum and his nature. First of

all, though he obviously has some sort of connection to the Phantom Hourglass,

we can’t be certain of exactly what (unless this was explained and I missed it,

which is entirely possible.) The Phantom Hourglass is obviously his weakness,

though whether it’s simply his magical antithesis or for some other reason, I

don’t know. This combined with the fact that he turns into sand upon his defeat

and is absorbed into the Hourglass, I’m inclined to believe that he was

originally sand that was corrupted or otherwise went rogue on its master, the

Ocean King. On top of that, since Bellum was responsible for the Phantoms (who

are also not explained...) that have taken up residence in the Temple of the

Ocean King, simple naming conventions would lead us to conclude that Bellum is

himself a Phantom-family creature. It’s definitely a theory worthy of

consideration.

We also know that he created the Ghost Ship, which would immediately make us

wonder if it’s the same Ghost Ship from The Wind Waker. If not, then there are

probably more out there somewhere, which is kind of an interesting idea; if

not, then they’re the same one, which is a very interesting idea. It means that

Bellum sacked the Temple of the Ocean King and sent the Ghost Ship on a long

voyage to the previous site of Hyrule. That alone opens up a huge number of

possibilities, because, critically, we really have no solid idea of what the

Ghost Ship was created for, besides being Bellum’s representative on the high

seas.

=============================================================================

B e r t i e a n d L u v

Everly and Ann-Margret

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Although Bertie's name comes first when the two are mentioned together, his

wife is clearly the one who runs the show. Not only does this robust woman

singlehandedly invent and produce all of the Potions they sell, but she handles

the 'storefront' portion of the operation as well. Their offerings range from

the indispensable to the mostly useless; actually, they kind of gather towards

the latter end of that scale. The only one that I ever particularly had a use

for was the Heart Potion, which restores eight hearts. Other options include

one that restores four hearts as well as your shield gauge, one that makes you

invincible for one minute, and one that temporarily confers infinite Stamina,

all of which are some combination of too weak and too situational to ever be

practical.

However, they can at least be made mildly more effective by infusing them with

the right combination of insects, a process of which Bertie is a master.

Setting aside your personal feelings on drinking insects, this can transform

the Heart Potion into the Heart Potion+, which restores ALL missing hearts, and

then the Heart Potion++, which does the same thing but contains two servings.

For some reason he doesn't have much confidence in his own abilities, but the

resulting brew always turns out great. Besides that useful service, Bertie is

also responsible for raising the couple's baby, which can't be much fun

considering how much time the thing spends crying, but then again, that's his

own mistake for having a kid. When you return to Skyloft after completing a

certain dungeon, he begins acting narcoleptic, and it transpires that the

baby's favourite rattle has gone missing. Since that's the only thing that will

compel it to sleep through the night, it's indispensable. Thus, in one of the

game's stupider sidequests, Link must climb to the Skyloft fountainhead, pitch

himself off it, and skydive into the nest of the Klepto who snatched it.

Finally able to get some rest, Bertie forms a bunch of five Gratitude Crystals.

=============================================================================

B i g g o r o n a n d M e d i g o r o n

Titanic swordsmiths

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

The Minish Cap

Phantom Hourglass

The Gorons are a people whose bodies appear to be made of solid rock. This lack

of carbon growth seems to have some very strange side effects, as evidenced by

dudes like the Goron Elder and Biggoron. They can apparently live for a very

long time...and at least a few of them never stop growing, ever. Biggoron is

huge. Massive. Ten stories tall, perhaps.

Despite his size, he is quite skilled with fine tools. He is one of the finest

weapon-makers in the whole series (though there aren’t that many.)

He has a younger brother named Medigoron, who is noticeably smaller – but still

so big he takes up a whole room – and noticeably less skilled. He makes Link a

sword that takes seven years to finish, called the Giant’s Knife.

Unfortunately, though powerful, it was so large it took two hands to wield, and

was so fragile it broke after only a few strokes. Biggoron was suffering from

blindness after the eruption of Death Mountain, whose summit he was right next

to; if Link completed the Trading Game and got some rare eye-drops for him, he

offered to fix the sword. It took him three days to come up with the most

powerful sword in the game, the Biggoron’s Sword, which he could conceivably

have used as a toothpick.

In Majora’s Mask, the Gorons all live at Snowhead, where they are slowly

freezing to death. Biggoron was the only one who was unaffected, probably

because of his massive size. He guarded the entrance to Snowhead Temple,

refusing to let anyone in. However, Link put him to sleep with the Goron’s

Lullaby and was able to enter. In this game, Medigoron has found something he’s

good at: making Powder Kegs. These are gigantic bombs that Link can only handle

safely in Darmani form, and which he needs in order to gather several important

items.

In Oracle of Seasons, the Gorons again live in a snowy climate, and again not

by choice. The ravages of Onox having sunk the Temple of Seasons have forced

their home into winter. Unfortunately, Biggoron is too big to fit into their

cave home, so he has to sit outside and be cold. Part of the Trading Game

involves giving him a pot of soul-warming Lava Soup. In a linked game, he again

contributes the most powerful blade, the Biggoron’s Sword.

Additionally, you can talk to him in The Minish Cap after you’ve beaten the

game and allow him to eat your tasty shield – the Goron diet is chiefly rock

sirloin, if you’ll recall, so tempered iron must be a delectable treat. If you

visit again after a while, he’ll offer up the shiny new Mirror Shield to

replace the one he ate.

The Phantom Hourglass iteration presides over the citizens of Goron Island, but

I think the name is treated as more of a title here; he’s really not that much

bigger than a normal Goron. I guess he was considered too young to be a Goron

Elder; here’s where the term Big Brother could really have been used to good

effect. Nomenclatural kvetching aside, like other Goron leaders, Biggoron

challenged Link to see if he was worthy of being accepted as a de facto member

of the tribe, in this case by asking him a series of questions about the island

and its inhabitants. Each question yields an increasing Rupee reward (off an

ante of 20 Rupees per attempt), culminating in total winnings of 146 Rupees.

Upon Link’s success, Biggoron charges him initiation fees, which happen to be

146 Rupees. It’s worth it, though, as Biggoron then opens up the way to Goron

Temple, and offers the services of his son Gongoron as guide and assistant.

After Link rids the place of its troubles, Biggoron even has the grace to

return his initiation fees, with a nice little bonus, proffering a 200-Rupee

parting gift. He was an ok guy.

=============================================================================

B i p i n a n d B l o s s o m

New parents

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons and Ages

In both halves of the Oracle saga, Bipin and Blossom are a happy couple who

live in the main village, be it Horon Village or Lynna City. She’s a housewife,

and he tends Gasha plants. They’re both very excited about their newborn son,

to the point that Bipin runs back and forth around their house like a psycho.

Over the course of a regular game and then a main-linked one, you can watch

their son grow. Over time, you will have various opportunities to influence his

career choice. Depending on how you handle these decisions, he can become a

swordsman like Link, an arborist like his father, a musician like Sokra, or

somebody with no purpose in life.

=============================================================================

B l a d e B r o t h e r s

Sword siblings

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Hyrule Castle Town in The Minish Cap plays host to a sword duelling contest

every year. Some famous competitors include the likes of Link’s uncle, the King

of Hyrule and Vaati himself. But at one point or another, each of the so-called

Blade Brothers won the contest, then departed on a journey of enlightenment to

hone their techniques to perfection.

Swiftblade – He now runs Swiftblade’s Dojo in the southwest part of town, where

he teaches worthy students the basics of sword combat via his patented method

of instruction, the Swiftblade Possession Technique. I didn’t really think of

this until later on, but the fact that he actually has the magical ability to

possess someone’s body is quite remarkable, elsewhere seen only in exceptional

magicians (e.g. Ganon possessing Agahnim.) He claims to have invented it, but

all the other Blade Brothers use it as well, so it’s unlikely.

Anyway, he teaches the Spin Attack, the Dash Attack, the Rock Breaker and the

Down Thrust. Almost all of these should be familiar to fans, especially the

Spin Attack. The Dash Attack is simply a charge while using the Pegasus Boots,

the Rock Breaker opens up the world by allowing Link to smash rocks with his

sword, and the Down Thrust allows him to do a stabby hip-drop once he’s jumped

into the air.

Grimblade – He hangs out under Hyrule Castle. If Link finds him, he teaches the

Sword Beam.

Waveblade – This Lake Hylia denizen teaches the Peril Beam, a move new to

Zelda. This one is kind of the opposite of the Sword Beam, in that you can use

it when you have one heart or less (instead of the full hearts needed for the

Sword Beam.)

Greyblade – If Link can find him on Death Mountain, he teaches the patently

useless Roll Attack, which allows Link to strike powerfully with his sword if

he slashes as he rises out of a normal roll.

Swiftblade the First – By the time Link meets him in Castor Wilds, he’s a

ghost, but he has a very useful technique. Normally, the Spin Attack is one

revolution, but the Great Spin Attack allows for several. In a couple of other

games, there was a similar move called the Hurricane Spin Attack. Maybe it’s

the same attack but with a name change, like how the Whirling Blade Attack

became simply the Spin Attack.

Greatblade – He holed up in North Hyrule Field to dedicate himself to improving

the Great Spin Attack, giving it even more revolutions per execution.

Scarblade – Found in Castor Wilds, he improves the speed at which a Spin Attack

is charged.

Splitblade – When Link steps on certain panels, he can create copies of himself

in order to solve puzzles. Some of these involve combat, so Splitblade, hiding

in Veil Falls, improves the speed at which the Split Gauge fills.

=============================================================================

B l a i n o

ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!!

Race: Uh.

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

RANK: Major Circuit #2

RECORD: 18-9 (18 KO)

HEIGHT: ?’??”

WEIGHT: ?? lbs.

AGE: ??

FROM: Koholint Island, Hylian Sea

Let’s go, Mac baby, let’s go! This guy’s fast and strong. One hit from those

gloves of his will send you straight back to the beginning of the circuit.

Dodge his punch then counter punch! Make him see Stars!

Blaino made his debut as a mini-boss but subsequently fell to the station of

key quest adversary. His initial appearance is in the eighth and final level of

Link’s Awakening, Turtle Rock, where he guards the prized Magic Rod. Come to

think of it, this is actually a pretty important position, the Magic Rod being

the single most powerful weapon in the entire Zelda series excluding swords.

Blaino’s stamina is also quite high, as he is able to withstand an almost

bosslike number of blows before conceding the match. That’s fine, of course,

since we all love destroying bad guys and all. Slightly more threatening is his

frighteningly powerful jab, which, like the grasp of a Wallmaster, can

instantly return Link to the entrance of the dungeon.

And so it was for the passage of two more games, until Blaino’s unexpected

return in Oracle of Seasons. As Link runs around looking for the Floodgate Key

to open the way to Level 3, Poison Moth’s Lair, he learns that Ricky the

Kangaroo has had his boxing gloves taken as spoils by a wicked little fiend,

and without them he’s too depressed and powerless to do anything but sit alone

in his house. Link agrees to help Ricky out, rising up to the challenge of

their rival. As it turns out, Blaino’s Gym is located a short walk north of

Horon Village, though dude’s personality doesn’t seem to be attracting a lot of

customers. Link challenges Blaino for the Boxing Gloves he stole, and the

ensuing encounter plays out more like a sumo match than a boxing one, with the

goal being to force the opponent to step outside the ring, but that’s fine.

Blaino dutifully returns the item upon his defeat (winning Link the support of

his new animal friend, who isn’t a hamster), but challenges Link to a rematch

if he ever feels up to it. Subsequent bouts will net you Rupees. One of the

more fun ways to fight him is to equip the Expert’s Ring, which allows Link to

throw down his weapons in favour of a clenched fist, making for a real

throwdown contest.

=============================================================================

B l i n d t h e T h i e f

When I was little I thought his name was instructions

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A young man, perhaps 19, who once plagued Kakariko Village with his mischievous

ways and gang of 40 thieves who ransacked its homes and terrorized its

populace. For some reason he was still able to maintain a legal residence in

the town, and, equally mysteriously, left several hundred Rupees when he left

for parts unknown that its new owner never bothered to even see if he might be

able to get at them despite realising full well that they were there. The

aforementioned parts unknown are in fact known to be Thieves’ Town, the Dark

World equivalent to Kakriko Village, which Blind apparently established upon

travelling there, in search of the Triforce no doubt.

Thieves’ Town is a totally rundown and depressing little place where nobody

seems to live anymore except monsters and the surviving thieves in their

transformed states. It also houses Blind’s Hideout, raising the question of why

he would need a hideout when he controls the whole town, hidden beneath a giant

statue of a gargoyle (analagous to the Light World’s weathervane.) This hideout

is a massive underground labyrinth, filled with not only traps but a wide

variety of monsters, making it somewhat impractical as a home base. Deep

inside, Link finds Blind in the form of a cute girl, and a very commanding one

at that. Go find the key, no don’t go this way. Know what darling, you don’t

have to stick around you know. Of course, this is all just a ruse to lure Link

into a more amenable arena to have a little brawl, which is convenient because

you need Blind to get through and Hyrule would have been in serious trouble if

the boss had happened not to have felt like bothering with Link. Luckily he

does, and when he accidentally steps into the light, the extreme

photosensitivity for which he earned his name asserts itself, and all of a

sudden he transforms. This is interesting in and of itself, because this new

form is probably the reflection of his heart that the Dark World forced him to

take on, and yet somehow he possesses magic powerful enough to (even

temporarily) override the prerogatives of the Triforce itself. That’s fairly

impressive!

As for the new form itself, well it’s a sort of...kind of like one of those

bedsheet ghosts that are the bane of foot fetishists everywhere, but then a

hideous cyclopean red goblin ripped its way out the top, with some gnarled,

clawed hands added to help out. The battle itself is pretty simple, however,

mostly consisting of dodging Blind’s body and projectiles while attacking with

whichever of your many weapons strikes your mood.

=============================================================================

B o d y g u a r d s

Purse protectors

Race: Various

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Much like Taloon of Dragon Quest IV, Tingle finds his talents more in his money

management abilities than in his combat ones. As such, he can often be found

employing a variety of skilled and multifarious bodyguards to keep him from

dying as he proceeds through the untamed wilderness. Found and hired at the

various Bodyguard Salons located throughout the land, these yojinbou will

accompany him until he leaves the continent; at this point they will loyally

wait for his return, unless he hires another Bodyguard elsewhere, as he can

only maintain a single contract at a time. Perhaps they both sign a

non-compete? In a neat touch, however, you can freely hire and dismiss

Bodyguards as much as you want, as they are consummate professionals and will

never hold a grudge.

Bodyguards have a number of utilities that make them invaluable investments.

Their most obvious purpose is assisting in battle, lending a great deal of

needed muscle to Tingle's side, both conserving his Rupees and helping to

ensure a higher item payout when the two emerge victorious. A crafty player can

also manoeuvre an intelligent and responsive Bodyguard around the immediate

area to discover hidden pitfalls or to engage a slippery enemy, as there are

those that run from Tingle but, for some reason, not his Bodyguards. They are

also capable of deflecting projectiles, and will even rush to Tingle's side to

dispel ice or fire should he find himself so entrapped.

Each Bodyguard also has a unique Tingle Chance move, which triggers based

purely on luck and successfully goes off based mostly on luck. If it's

successful, a quick cinematic sequence goes off and all onscreen enemies are

defeated instantly, offering a sizable Rupee yield. These are so rare that I

haven't experienced all of them, but they're nothing amazing anyway.

While their stats determine their effectiveness (as well as their overall hire

cost), their behaviour is determined by their personality. Dunces flatly refuse

to respond to movement commands and practically need to have a fight forced

down their throat before they'll enter it; aggressive Bodyguards will

enthusiastically engage every enemy they spot, which prevents the problem of

having them stand around doing nothing while their employer scraps, but tends

to waste time and damages their long-term survivability. Wise Bodyguards are

the best by far, never attacking an enemy of their own accord unless instructed

to, snappily responding to commands that can dance them all around the screen,

and immediately entering the fray should Tingle find enemies bearing down on

him. Bodyguards' physical size plays a part as well, with larger Bodyguards

generally having better stats, but commanding a price to match. Additionally,

diminutive small Bodyguards can squeeze into tight spaces, adroit medium

Bodyguards can pick locks, and muscly large Bodyguards can toss aside

obstructive barriers, and you'll require all three services to 100% the game.

Taking into account every possible combination of size and personality, there

are nine basic Bodyguard templates, each of which appears once per continent,

giving us a total of 27 possible travelling companions (on top of storyline

encounters and the Drifters.)

Let's take a look at them! Yes, all of them.

Zuzu – I always these guys were supposed to be marionettes without strings, and

I was right, but apparently they're also small children. And martial artists of

some description, at that.

Titch – Another toddler, this one is part of a secret society of preschoolers

with suitable ambitions of world domination. No joke. His personal pleasure in

life is annoying adults.

Cano – The dogs might only be here because there was already a dog sprite with

animations made for Barkle. It does make sense, though, since guard-dogs are

real things. This one has an eyepatch.

Chuckles – Appropriately named, and very forgetful. As you might guess, he's a

Clown. His title is even 'Clowning Around.'

Zonma – A somewhat barbarous babe with green hair and skimpy armour. These

Amazon-like women fight with swords, but personally I don't like them much, as

their aggressive dispositions and low health tend to get them killed quickly.

Mike – The Agents are a fairly clear homage to the Agents of The Matrix

trilogy, which is fine by me, because The Matrix is my favourite film. Even

their Tingle Chance references their origins, as Tingle flies in like Neo as

his buddy dispatches their foes with a series of swift sword swipes.

Generalissimo – Sort of makes me think of Castro, although the terminology

isn't quite appropriate. I think these guys are supposed to be puppets as well,

but in any case they play the drums constantly, even, I suspect, mid-battle.

Which would make sense, given the historical role of military drummers. Kind of.

Bosco – Bozos be bashed by burly bruiser's bat. Baseball bonanza!

Mighty Muscles – With possibly the worst name of any bodyguard, Mighty Muscles

is the first of the Superhero bodyguards. He's blue, and like his cousins, so

to speak, he bears an image of the Tetraforce on his chest, a roll of

impeccable blonde hair, and 'arms of steel.' Apparently also a master of bad

jokes.

Tonpei – Founder of the marionette martial arts school to which Zuzu

subscribes. Reportedly has bad footwork. You'll notice a deprecating theme

throughout much of the bodyguard profiles; most of it comes from the game, not

me.

Chiro – Elite Member of the same secret society to which Titch claims

membership. Seems to have a chip on his shoulder, too, since his profile

specifically claims that he is 'much better than that yellow kid,' i.e. Titch.

Gnash – Put his preternaturally sharp teeth to use and graduated from the same

guard-dog school as as Cano. Seriously, why would anyone voluntarily own a dog?

I've never understood this.

Scarper – The second Clown, Scarper has a bit of a contradictory profile. It

first says that he's only PLAYING the Fool, but then goes on to say that while

he always appears to be in deep thought, he really isn't thinking much of

anything. So which is it? Looks like he's managed to obfuscate the truth,

suggesting there's a little more going on behind those blank eyes than he'd

like you to think. His steadfast refusal to lock horns with an enemy further

indicates a man who likes to bide his time from the shadows, or at least has an

unusually strong sense of self-preservation for someone in his profession. It

also mentions that he is always cheerful, which is good too.

Victoria – Victoria became an Amazon bodyguard in order to escape the tedium of

life as a housewife, which is actually kind of heavy if you think about it for

a minute.

Johnny – A Wise Agent in practice, and specifically described as being

extremely intelligent, which should tell you something. My second-favourite

film is Battle Royale.

Ernesto – Ernesto 'Che' Guevara reportedly uses his enemies' heads for drumming

practise because he gets a good sound out of them. Not like Rock Band, which

just sounds like wood slapping rubber, because that's what it is.

Cargo – Crunch, crack. Careful, Cargo creates chaos!

Steroido – His name, of course, simply comes from the Japanization of the word

'steroid,' those being what he uses to maintain his physique. It does work to

your advantage, though, as this red-clad Superhero is quite powerful.

Domingo – An instructor of the marionette arts who is actually stronger than

its founder. Possibly offset by his short attention span, as his mind wanders

even DURING BATTLE.

Dante – I thought the preschoolers were going to introduce us to the Lucius

DeBeers of their secret society on the Third Continent, but instead we only get

Morgan Everett. Smart.

Gixx – A guard-dog, Gixx pulled a Nyaasu and taught himself to speak at night

school. Ugh, dogs.

Tumble – Description is so funny I'm just going to copy it verbatim.

'Everything he does is wrong, which in a sense makes him a genius among his

fellow clowns...'

Reddy-Steddy – Let's get started, Reddy-Steddy, go! This Amazon developed the

patented Battle Diet to keep herself in shape following the end of her

modelling career. I gather it's less of a diet and more of a diet-and-exercise

programme. I'm probably right – ah please, trust me!

Smith – My personal favourite bodyguard, and not just because of the name, but

also because he's Wise, and because the suit-and-sunglasses-with-sword look

makes for a really visually interesting juxtaposition. Sadly, Smith is not

capable of physically transforming into the multiple personalities that inhabit

his mind. By the way, not only do Agents look the most professional, but they

also frequently glance from side to side, as a real bodyguard might.

Third-favourite is a tie between Casablanca and Toukyou Drift; quite a gap in

quality, I realise.

Roland – Roland's original Japanese name was Raul, so there you have it. Or

maybe I'm lying.

Arizona – Armed, armoured, and aggressive, Arizona attacks aggressively. Ahhh!

Mr Energy – Again with the idiotic names for Superheroes, though I'm not

exactly complaining since they're funny. Objectively, this guy is pretty much

the best normal bodyguard in the game: Large, Wise, and with beefy stats, and

for a fair price to boot.

All in all, a pretty eclectic and entertaining bunch. In addition to these,

there are also three Drifter Bodyguards. After encountering them and satisfying

certain conditions, you may then meet them randomly in your travels, where you

can then hire them for exorbitant amounts of Rupees. It's not quite worth it,

but they do offer more frequent Tingle Chances and have very, very impressive

stats. However, you can't feed them Tingly or sign a fresh contract with them,

and once they run out of health or are otherwise compelled to leave, you won't

be able to re-hire them until you stumble across them again. Each – Teddy Todo,

Yamori, and Ronny – gets his own profile, because their storylines are slightly

more involved than 'met him at a bar, offered him a job.'

=============================================================================

B o m b e r s G a n g

Elitist kindergartners

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Bombers are a gang of rowdy little kids in Majora’s Mask. Four of the five

members wear blue bandanas; Jim, their leader, distinguishes himself by wearing

a red one. When Link first approaches them, he’s in Deku Scrub form, so they

refuse to let him join the gang. However, he agrees to a game of hide and seek

where the Bombers hide all over Clock Town. When he succeeds (before dawn of

the Second Day, or else he loses) Jim gives him the password to their ‘secret

hideout.’ They’re cheaters, too; they run away when Link finds them. Come to

think of it, Super Mario Galaxy repeats this one as well, with its rabbits.

Their hideout is really an underground tunnel that travels beneath the walls of

the town and up into the Astral Observatory, where Professor Shikashi can be

found gazing up at the stars at night. During the day, you can zoom in on the

top of the Clock Tower to cause a Moon’s Tear to fall to the ground outside the

Observatory, which not only plays a part in your first three-day runthrough but

also kicks off that game’s Trading Game. In Ocarina, Shikashi’s poly was some

old guy who lived in Kakariko. Bonooru the Scarecrow can be found here, where

he indirectly teaches the Inverted Song of Time and Song of Double Time.

The Bombers also give Link the Bombers’ Notebook, since they all have a copy.

It’s used to keep track of all the people they have helped out in the past, or

whose troubles they are currently attempting to solve. Mostly, it’s used for

the player to keep track of the schedules of the multitudinous NPCs who, at

some point or another, give Link a Happy Mask (and also a handful who don’t.)

The Bombers had a pseudorenaissance in The Wind Waker, where a gang called the

Killer Bees hung out in the village square of Windfall Island. They were Ivan,

the leader, Jin, the advisor, Jan, the thug, and Jun-Roberto, the scheming,

would-be usurper. They play a minor role in the story, terrorize their teacher,

and follow Link around whenever he’s in the vicinity. LEAVE ME ALONE, STUPID

KIDS!

=============================================================================

B o s o m O a k

Never seen or heard

Race: Tree

Appearances: Chinkuru no Baruun Faito

This is one of the only characters whose information I cannot personally verify

because I just don't have the motivation to master Tingle's Balloon Fight.

Apparently, though, the whole reason Tingle is balloon fighting is as a

challenge to the Bosom Oak. Who or what the hell that is seems not to be

elaborated upon, though I did complete the game and can confirm that no such

entity makes an onscreen appearance unless it's in unlockable portrait form.

Kind of makes me wonder why they bothered with a tenuous backstory at all if

they're not going to follow through on it. It's not like the game really needed

or benefits from one.

=============================================================================

B r i d g e – b u i l d e r s

Flaming family

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeeland

Tingle RPG is quite clever in the subtle homages it pays to memorable aspects

of earlier games in the Zelda series, including the Carpenters that originated

in Ocarina of Time and played a role in several subsequent games. They featured

a small family business headed by a fatherly foreman who can never convince his

sons to get any work done, prompting Link to kick them into gear for the two's

mutual benefit. This can be quite a complex task in the mainline titles, but

all Tingle has to do is locate an absent bridge, locate the nearby builder, and

motivate him with increasingly exorbitant amounts of Rupees; you'll be seeing

numbers well into the thousands by the time you're done. The worker will then

restore the crossing-place in a matter of seconds, then proceed to bend over

backwards and thrust his hips into the air in celebration while saying 'boom!

Boom, boom!'

Following this, he'll head off in search of another bridge to fix. You might

begin to realise that is a fairly substantial waste of money, given your

ability to fly between entire continents makes footbridges somewhat redundant.

And it should be fairly clear that the three siblings, each of whom tackles a

different continent, are in it for all the wrong reasons, though they claim to

be searching for their father, and impressing him with their bridge-reparation

abilities.

Each of the brothers wears overalls, shoes, a hardhat, sunglasses, and nothing

else, and also carries a pickaxe, which seems like an extraordinarily

inappropriate tool for carpentry. In order of the continent they man, they are

as follows:

Duke – With blue overalls and a glorious moustache, Duke might remind you of a

certain someone else.

Judge – Bears the coolest name, white overalls, and a striking resemblance to

Japanese comedian Haado Gei.

Duko – Wears pink overalls and actually claims to be a girl.

After you build the final bridge – from Auros Ruins to Fairy Garden – Duko

announces that all bridges in the world have been repaired, and that he's off

to search for the trio's father, whom they address as Gaffer, much to his

annoyance. Pursuing a rumour that he was sighted on 'another continent,' Duko

(and Tingle) find him on a hitherto inaccessible mini-island just off Sunshine

Coast. All three of the young'uns have gathered, and, working together, quickly

build their way over to him. It turns out that they take after him, as he is

practically their mirror image but for his yellow overalls and dignified beard.

Though happy to be reunited with his progeny, he is powerfully cross with them

for having the audacity to charge Rupees for their services, rather than doing

it for self-improvement and love of the game. He orders them to pay back all

the Rupees they took from Tingle and add in a little extra for his trouble; he

can canvass 9,999, 22,222, and 55,555 Rupees from them, respectively. Gaffer

also offers penance in the form of his Pickaxe (called his Pecker in the

original Japanese; do with that information what you will), a Rupee Good. The

four then offer a few more parting hip-thrusts before marching off to their

next project.

=============================================================================

B r i d g e W o r k e r

Bridge worker

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

A skilled carpenter who possesses his own solitary house, rippling muscles, a

bandana and hammer, a very flat nose and considerable assets in the form of

debts to him, he is not business-savvy in any special way but certainly doesn’t

take anything from anybody. That includes the ultra-shrewd and morals-devoid

Linebeck III. After receiving repayment/payment in the form of a Regal Ring,

the Bridge Worker fixes the bridge leading from the Forest Realm to the Ocean

Realm, which is quest-critical. Later he can also be brought to Anouki Village

to build them a fence to keep out monsters, a project which he undertakes with

such great care that he makes no progress whatsoever for the entire rest of the

game.

=============================================================================

B r o c c o a n d P i n a

Farmer’s marketers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Brocco and Pina each set up opposing vendor stands in Hyrule Castle Town’s

market square. They consider each other fierce rivals in spite of the fact that

they sell completely different products, for precisely the reason that they’re

carrying on a long-standing argument over whether vegetables or fruits are

superior. (Hint: You need both to not die). Brocco, the man whose hair looks

like a head of cabbage, subscribes to the former, while Pina, the blonde

topknot-sporting gal, is a slave to the latter, to the point that ‘she won't

even sell tomatoes even though they technically ARE fruits. Freak.’ Brocco buys

the best of Eenie and Meenie’s crops, but Pina’s supplier is unknown. Both are

viable Kinstone candidates. Late in the game, when the Picori Festival ends,

they both go away.

‘Food’ for thought: In case it wasn’t obvious, Brocco’s name comes from the

vegetable broccoli, whereas Pina takes hers from the highly fruit pineapple,

specifically the Italian word for such, just like Pinna Park from Super Mario

Sunshine.

=============================================================================

B r o n z i

Tanuki (Cu + Tn)

Race: Mogma

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Link finds Bronzi in the Fire Sanctuary suspended over a pool of lava. When

rescued, Bronzi initially refuses to reward him, but acquiesces when he hears

of the assistance he earlier rendered unto his older brother Silva, handing

over the Dungeon Map. Bronzi is distinguished by his unusually large sack.

According to Fi, he takes great pride in his grill. Like all Mogma, he later

appears in their home at the foot of the Eldin area. Also like all Mogma, he is

named after a metal, in this case bronze.

=============================================================================

B u g – C a t c h i n g K i d

Pokeball, go! ... ... You caught Beedrill!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A surprisingly mature anklebiter who contracts some kind of mysterious disease,

likely somehow related to the recent dark doings casting a pall over the

country, the Bug-Catching Kid gives Link a butterfly net, which he uses to

catch Bees. Well, to be fair, I guess it is just addressed by the catch-all

‘Bug-Catching Net,’ so maybe we’re in the clear. In the epilogue, there’s a

particular ‘Bug-Catching Kid’ segment that shows him happily frolicking amongst

the Kakariko Village bugs once again. And the Pokemon series has a Trainer Type

called Bug Catcher, just thought that needed pointing out.

=============================================================================

B u r i k i

Friend of Descartes

Race: Robot

Appearances: Iroduzki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Buriki is Tingle's second companion on his journey and the least fun to be

around. He and Kakashi find her on Page 3, where her vehicle, which bears a

suspicious similarity to a Saiyajin space pod, has crashed in the middle of a

corn field, trapping Piitaa's tractor. Her body has been flung several yards

away, where the duo replaces her battery and wakes her up inside, bringing her

to life. She is, however, less than cooperative at first, as she wishes to

leave for the City as soon as possible, and has no interest in lollygagging

around with them in the meantime. Her attempts to resume her journey by air

fail, however, and they all catch a ride to the edge of the nearby woods. It

quickly becomes clear that it better serves all their interests if she simply

cooperates, and they agree to travel together. Like the others, she comes with

two abilities, but in her case neither comes in handy very often. The first,

'tanomu' (request or entrust) is simply a strong kick or series of kicks, which

is kind of boring and redundant given its functional similarity to Raion's

kairiki ability. The second, 'bunseki' (analysis) yields information on the

target, which figures into a handful of puzzles but mostly just for your own

interest.

Ever the voice of reason, Buriki is called upon several times to bring the

feckless Raion to his senses, most notably in Page 8's Gasoringo plant boss

battle, where she kicks him in his cowering head so that the group can fight

on. While the other three remain within the liner while riding it, Buriki

stands on its nose, ever looking stoically ahead and surveying the road before

them. As Page 9 begins and she observes that Segaare has diverted them off the

main tracks, she crouches spider-like, sounds a siren, lights the orb on her

cranium and begins spinning her head around and around; it's simultaneously

comical and creepy, much to Raion's consternation. Seconds later, Tingle hits

the brakes, bringing the engine to a stop right in front of a pile of garbage,

into which Buriki's momentum lodges her. Raion and his colossal strength drag

most of her out, but her head snaps off, scaring the hell out of him;

fortunately, it easily reattaches. In order to obtain a passport (sorry,

Pasupo), all require a shigotoshoumeisho (proof of work certificate); Buriki

receives her by scanning a ton of newborn chicks and informing their caretaker

of each's gender.

Being, after all, no more than a 'tinplate,' Buriki is not at her best when it

comes to matters of the heart or force of will. When Raion falls off a cliff on

Page 4 and Tingle and Kakashi are desperately trying to drag him up, she does

not even act until specifically instructed to. Like all of them, however, she

gradually learns over the course of the journey, until finally, on Page 13, she

independently and of her own free will decides to use her own body as a conduit

between the two sides of a broken power cable. Tingle and Kakashi take the

repowered elevator up, and she staggers away...only to automatically start

projecting a hologram of the final message from Dr G, who announces that this

means she has finally gained feelings. She recovers in time for the final

battle, rolling in like a Morph Ball to the tune of 'Samus Appears.' I mostly

forget what we're shown of her in the credits, but I recall that it involves

her using her bunseki powers for the forces of good.

=============================================================================

B y r n e

Double-dealing defector

Race: Lokomo/Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Surprisingly, Byrne isn’t introduced as a bait-and-switch baddie to be replaced

by Cole; that would be predictable, right? This goddamn wraith, casting an evil

aura, possessing a mechanized hand and looking like a Dark Elf Shade from the

tabletop battle game Warhammer, could sensibly be presented as the game’s main

antagonist (in addition to Malladus) with the unassuming Chancellor showing his

true colours at just the right moment. Instead, Zelda wises up immediately,

Cole makes his move twenty minutes into the game, and Byrne ultimately betrays

his ostensible master in order to try and snatch Malladus’s power for himself,

all of which is much more interesting.

Byrne was born a Lokomo, making him one of the custodians of the new Hyrule. In

fact, he was reportedly one of the most prodigious Lokomo around, being

Anjean’s star pupil and a consummate master of nearly all Lokomo skills and

magics. Unfortunately, the reason for his being only a master of ‘nearly’ all

Lokomo arcana is that he exhibited a fairly obvious lust for power, which soon

enough saw him turning his back on the Lokomo path of goodness and transforming

himself into a Demon. Tempering his newfound demonic faculties with the Lokomo

techniques of yesteryear, Byrne became one of the more fearsome forces in the

region. At some point before the start of the game, he fell in with Cole, who

was working on a scheme to resurrect a dark god and receive some of his power

in gratitude. Given Byrne’s general attitude towards and lack of respect for

Cole, it’s safe to say that he intended to betray him from the beginning.

We first encounter him as part of Zelda’s ill-fated escape attempt, as she

flees the castle with Link and Alfonzo, bound for the Tower of Spirits, only to

have the tracks beneath their train dissolve into nothingness, crashing the

machine irreparably and leading to Zelda being kicked out of her own body.

You’ll notice that Byrne is definitely along for the intimidation factor here.

Our intrepid heroes encounter Byrne again in the Tower of Spirits as part of

the quest to recover the Fire Realm rail map, but Anjean teleports everybody to

safety before he can do anything problematic. The trick only works once,

however, as Byrne eventually does force the issue and get the battle he desires

(and ends up humiliated, of course). One of the most interesting and engaging

boss battles in the entire Zelda series ensues, as the player must coordinate

the actions of both Link and the Phantom-possessing Zelda to be successful.

After unleashing a fusillade of fireballs punctuated with the occasional

physical attack, Byrne will launch his mechanized gauntlet at Link, who must

sidestep. The evildoer will be momentarily vulnerable to Zelda’s quick hands,

which will seize his in a touching display of tenderness, which is to say she

drags him down from his perch atop the cage in which they’re fighting so that

Link can run up to him and start attacking him with a bladed weapon. Zelda is

invincible as always in her ten-ton suit of armour, but I recall that Byrne

does have a few tricks that she needs to be aware of; maybe he summons mice or

something. Actually, I think he can stun her for a few seconds. After a few

rounds of this, Byrne will descend to ground level and start going to town with

his claws. The trick this time is to interpose Zelda between Byrne and Link,

initiating a stylus-driven ‘clash’ event which will leave Byrne off-balance if

won; again, it’s time for some Lokomo Sword action, and after taking so much

punishment, Byrne eventually falls. This is a really great and fun battle that

tests your ability to control two characters at once – two characters with not

only very different features but completely different methods of control as

well. Very original, although actually it does kind of recall Subarashiki Kono

Sekai (The World Ends with You). After the battle, there’s a humorous moment as

Link and Zelda congratulate each other in typical shounen manga style,

extolling the virtues of their cooperation and trust, only to realise that

Byrne isn’t even listening and is quickly getting away.

They aren’t quick enough to catch him before Cole finally succeeds in

resurrecting Malladus, and as a result, the imp’s gleeful cries are interrupted

by Byrne violently shoving him out of the way and trying to preempt his power.

Malladus just laughs and zaps him, which only renews Cole’s amusement as he

explains that Malladus could never accept anybody who once served the Spirits

of Light. They’ve been tainted. Cole and Malladus depart on the Demon Train

while Link, Zelda and Anjean take off in the Spirit Train, dragging Byrne with

them. He starts to brood over not being good enough for the living embodiment

of evil to take on as a vassal, and the fact that he’s been taken in by his

enemies isn't exactly helping his ego. He does impart the information, however,

that the Demon Train (and thus Cole and Malladus) can be tracked using the

Compass of Light, which, if you think about it, is generally a nautical device

and thus something of a throwback to Phantom Hourglass (and The Wind Waker).

Using this information, the good guys, now plus one, track their foes to the

Dark Realm, one of the most irritating areas in the entire game, for the final

showdown.

Byrne earns his final redemption halfway through the battle with the

transformed Malladus, blocking the demon king from repossessing Zelda, who has

regained her body in the course of the fighting. He manages to fend him off

long enough for Link and Zelda to regroup, but is killed in the process,

leading to the boss’s final phase. Afterward, it turns out that Byrne wasn’t so

much killed as he lost his body; he may be just a soul, but no afterlife for

him just yet. Instead, Anjean uses some more of her ever-handy magic to ensure

that he’ll walk the earth again someday, though he may not remember of the

events of his previous life, the whole thing of which is possible foreshadowing

for a future title (though I somewhat doubt it.) So there you have it, just

about the only character in the entire Zelda series with an actual character

arc.

=============================================================================

C a n n o n

Subtle, guys

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

If Link explores the world’s one and only specialty Bomb Shop after washing up

on Windfall Island, he’ll find the going rate set at 10,000 Rupees per Bomb.

Although they would be a nice little addition to his inventory, he’s slightly

short, and forced to leave empty-handed, with Cannon’s jeers ringing behind

him. Both are sound evidence suggesting that Cannon is a really lousy

businessman, as not only does he charge so much he can’t move any product, but

he openly insults his would-be patrons as well. Guess he considers himself some

kind of high-roller. Part of this is somewhat legitimate, as he is the only

known individual across the Great Sea capable of making Bombs. This cavalier

attitude, however, is exactly what gets him into trouble with the pirates

towards the end of the game’s first act, as the brigands, unwilling to pay his

downright stupid prices, break into his store, tie him up into a squirming

bundle of flesh and rope, and make off with half his stock. Following this

encounter, he starts to sell at a more reasonable price and cleans up a bit,

and even his customer service improves massively.

=============================================================================

C a p t a i n S t a l f o s

And Tenneal

Race: Stalfos

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

When you're the baddest crew around and feared throughout the world, with

bone-chewing dogs the only creatures capable of striking fear into where your

hearts used to be, it is, it is a glorious thing. Unfortunately, it's not all

sunshine coasts and rosy rupeelands for this pirate king. His First Mate

invites Tingle, an untested stranger, right into the Pirate Hideout in order to

help them with their business of the day and recover some lost Pirate Items. In

thanks, Captain Stalfos offers to make him a full-fledged member of the

pirates...but for that, he first has to be dead! The Captain then tries to kill

him, thinking he's being helpful, and sallies forth to seek his prey. Tingle

isn't about to have any of that, obviously, and thus ensues an amusing

pattern-based, dodge-and-counterattack boss battle that pays homage to the

original Punch-Out!! for arcade. Even the top screen gets in on the act,

displaying a hits counter and character portraits that accurately ape the

grotesque graphics of the source material.

Following this, the Captain is very apologetic and the ship departs for the

high seas, and a little later on we encounter the merry band again. Things are

just getting worse for them, as now genuine monsters have invaded the ship and

the Captain has gone outright insane, having been possessed by evil or

something, as people in the Zelda universe are prone to having happen to them.

After fighting his way through, Tingle must confront the Captain once again;

this second battle is very annoying and frustrating. It does, however, offer

him the Bone Ocarina, which allows him to uncover buried pirate treasure and

summon the pirate ship to any port so that he can do business with Mr Akindo.

=============================================================================

C a p t a i n K e e t a

Almost alliterative

Race: Stalchild

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Captain of the Guard and loyal friend of Igos du Ikana in life, Captain Keeta

takes on the form of what seems to be a giant Stalchild in death. Then again,

maybe that’s just how big he was back in the day, and he’s merely been worn

down to bones-only is all. Either way, he doesn’t even need to be exhumed, his

remains lying right out in the open on the courtyard wall of Termina’s only

cemetery. Although quite firmly cemented in and centuries gone, Captain Keeta

responds favourably to a rousing rendition of the Song of Healing; he awakens,

casts off his shackles (that is, destroys half the wall and connected bridge),

postures angrily, and then starts walking off in the general direction of

Ancient Castle of Ikana. If he gets too far he’ll say something to Igos and

then disappear, meaning you’ll have to go back in time and try again, always a

pain. Your job is to chase him down the path, fending off the Stalchildren who

crop up behind him, making use of the occasional Arrow to thwart his progress

temporarily. (He spins in a circle, looks at you disapprovingly, spins back,

and continues on his way.) When you do catch up, a chain of blue fire will trap

the two of you together in your impromptu arena, at which point it’s a simple

matter of avoiding his Stalfos-like jumping game and responding with sword

strikes. This is a bit of a trick if you only have the L-1 Sword, which is not

only quite weak but, more importantly, has a severe lack of reach. Your reward

for felling the custodian is his Captain’s Hat, allowing you to adopt your

erstwhile enemy’s phizog.

Ikana’s varied undead denizens have quite a number of unique, interesting and

sometimes bizarre reactions to Link when he dons the Captain’s Hat.

Stalchildren willingly obey the orders of their commander, allowing Link to

desecrate the grave of his choice once per night, giving access to a number of

underground grottos with some decent prizes. The Gibdos will ask for various

bottled items, providing vague and sometimes outright wrong hints as to what

they’re after, offering some of their own belongings in return. Igos du Ikana

himself will even be fooled into thinking he’s been reunited with his old

friend, but only momentarily; he quickly sees through the ploy and states he

was much too close to Keeta to be so easily bamboozled. I don’t remember what

Pamela or her father did, but I’ll bet it was interesting. But my personal

favourite is the ReDeads, who stop moaning, crank up some music, and break out

some spontaneous dancing. Specifically, pirhouettes.

=============================================================================

C a r l o v a n d B o r l o v

Figure-loving brothers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Only Carlov appeared in The Wind Waker. Forest Haven, located in the southeast

of the Great Sea, is composed of one large island and several smaller ones. One

of the smaller ones is accessible by standing in your boat, using a Hyoi Pear

to take control of a seagull, and flying up to hit a switch near the top of the

main island; this drops a ladder that gives you access to a steel hatch like

you might find on the surface of a submarine.

Inside is the Nintendo Gallery, though the only displays are of characters and

creatures from The Wind Waker. If Link obtains the Deluxe Pictograph – which is

an entire side-quest of its own – he can take colour photos, which he can then

present to Carlov. If it’s taken with the subject in the middle, is well

balanced, and isn’t too blurry, Carlov will spend the next three days sculpting

a fabulously detailed figurine of whatever the subject was. All figurines he

makes will be put on display in one of several rooms in the Nintendo Gallery.

There are 133 figurines, so getting them all is quite a feat, and one that

doesn’t serve any purpose, so completing it is more a matter of pride, like

collecting all 120 Stars in Super Mario 64.

Strangely, if you present Carlov with a picture of himself, he doesn’t

recognize the subject, and will marvel at his own fashionable (?) hairstyle and

waxen skin. ...But each figurine comes with a description, and Carlov’s

figurine’s description references him by name, but was clearly not written by

Carlov. Umm...

Carlov serves a similar role in The Minish Cap, but his place is much easier to

access – it’s in town, and Link can enter it easily once he’s grabbed a certain

dungeon item. This time, however, you collect figurines by random lottery,

though you can only get figurines whose real-life models you’ve already come

into contact with. There are 136 of these.

Carlov’s younger brother Borlov, who looks exactly like him, has opened a shop

in The Minish Cap (though he wasn’t anywhere in Waker.) This is sort of a

retread of Old Man’s money making game from the first Zelda, though he doesn’t

sell his product very well, dissuading you from attempting it several times

throughout its explanation.

=============================================================================

C a r p e n t e r s

Lumberjacks’ raison d’etre

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

The Minish Cap

For minor characters, they sure got a lot of exposure. Characters who debuted

in Ocarina of Time have all the luck.

We’ve got Mutoh, Ichiro, Jiro, Sabooru and Shiro.

Speaking of Ocarina, their activities in that game vary depending on which

timeframe you’re in. As child Link, Kakariko Village is still under

construction, and you can see them working on a few buildings. By the time

you’re an adult, they’re complete; they all become houses, I believe.

By the time you’re in adult form, the bridge connecting Gerudo Valley to Hyrule

Field has been smashed to splinters. The carpenters were contracted to repair

it, but made the mistake of trying to join the Gerudo tribe. Even Jim Caruk

knows better than to bother the neighbours. This prompted the Gerudo to capture

them and toss them in various cells throughout the fortress, guarded by the

orange-clad Gerudo elites. The foreman, Mutoh, asked Link to rescue them, after

which they were able to rebuild the bridge.

In Majora’s Mask, they spent most of their time in South Clock Town, crawling

around the scaffolding and hitting things with their hammers. (That’s what the

weird tap-tap-tap-tap-tap noise is. It took me a while to figure that one out.)

They are in the midst of an argument with the Town Watch, whose captain asserts

that it is smartest to flee, while Mutoh the Foreman maintains that this kind

of thinking is pure cowardice and foolishness. In the end, the other carpenters

take off, and the Foreman is left standing in front of the Clock Tower yelling

defiantly at the Moon. He fully believes that everything will be fine when it

impacts.

They are once again slacking off in Oracle of Ages’ prelude to Level 4, Skull

Dungeon. Link finds the Foreman and he explains that his workers haven’t shown

up. Link has to search them out and lay down the law. The terrain will be

different depending on whether he has Ricky, Moosh or Dimitri as his animal

partner. After Link puts them all back to work, they finish the bridge that

leads to Symmetry City.

No such disciplinary problems exist in The Minish Cap, where they do whatever

their boss tells them. They complain about it a lot, though. Their main purpose

is to block off parts of the world with refuse for the first part of the game,

blocking off areas the game’s developers didn’t want Link to visit too early.

They slowly clear it away, build two houses in Hyrule Castle Town, and then

take some time off.

=============================================================================

C a w l i n a n d S t r i c h

Gratitude facilitators

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Second-tier bullies with secretly kind hearts, Cawlin and Strich are completely

loyal to their leader, Groose. Not only do they follow his every command

unquestioningly, but when Groose falls into a depression following Zelda's

disappearance they seem genuinely concerned. Although they do some jerkish

things and tend to talk down to Link even after he is promoted above them, as

we will see they are not really bad people.

Cawlin – Haha, oh Cawlin. Short, fat, hair as black as his Loftwing, Cawlin has

a crush on Karane, but can't work up the courage to deliver his Love Letter to

her. Instead, he tries to get Link to do it for him, and if he properly

delivers it she does consider it. However, Karane ultimately decides to confess

her mutual feelings for Pipit, a fellow Knight Academy student, and despite his

initial cowardice Cawlin bursts in and declares his love for Karane. Though

she's flattered, she still goes for Pipit, and Cawlin leaves crying, spending

the rest of the game heartbroken. If, on the other hand, you ignore his

specific instructions not to give the Love Letter to ???, the disembodied hand

who lives in the Academy toilet and needs some paper, she will think the letter

was meant for her and begin spending each night caressing Cawlin's ear while he

sleeps, a fate that will torture him for the rest of his days, as he sleeps

poorly and awakens each morning with a distinct sense of unease whose source he

cannot discern. Either way you'll get a bunch of five Gratitude Crystals,

either from ??? or from Karane. Also, no matter who wins at love, Cawlin loses,

a position with which I can somewhat sympathize.

Strich – Astride his green loftwing, Strich patrols Skyloft in search of

interesting bugs. Collecting and displaying them is his hobby, which is

actually really morbid. For most of the game he hangs around the Lumpy Pumpkin

by day, but by night he is found in his room and is willing to buy certain bugs

Link may have collected in his travels. However, the meagre profits don't

justify the inconvenience of having to search for a specific bug if you need it

for a Potion and run out because you sold some of them (for that reason, don't

ever sell him a Sand Cicada.) Once the Thunderhead becomes a little safer, he

founds Bug Island, a fairly large playground-type area where he runs a

bug-collecting minigame. You don't get to keep any bugs, but can win Rupees. He

also comes across Beedle's rare Horned Colossus Beetle, which he'll give to you

(so that you can return it) if you earn his respect as a fellow bug-collector

by beating a special version of his game. For some reason, he's kept the Horned

Colossus Beetle alive, which is fortunate since it's Beedle's pet, and

returning it to him in some other condition would likely elicit a rather

different reaction.

=============================================================================

C h a n c e l l o r C o l e

Secret subversive

Race: Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

When Zelda covertly whispers, ‘Beware of the Chancellor,’ she isn’t kidding.

Far from merely being an outwardly suave bureaucrat who is actually rather

slimey, he turns out to be much more dangerous than the Princess anticipated.

As we soon learn, his reason for wearing two different-sized top hats is not

that he has a penchant for the outrageous but rather that he is a demon whose

fat head supports two different-sized horns; this may also account for how

incredibly short he is (I mean the demonism, not the fact that he has horns.)

He masquerades as Zelda’s loyal underling for a matter of years, gradually and

subtly extending tendrils of power throughout the land while doing everything

he can to stunt that of the sovereign. When he has something he needs done that

he can’t do himself, he employs Byrne, his power-hungry and more battle-ready

subordinate who plans to overcome him sooner or later.

All of this is done in a very grand attempt at reviving the ancient demon king,

Malladus, who reigned at the time of her grandmother’s arrival, and whose

bonds, the Spirit Tracks, are rapidly disappearing thanks to Cole’s dedicated

work. When Zelda finally manages to sneak out from under him one day thanks to

Link’s help, she forces his hand; he and Byrne ambush the party’s train,

destroy the tracks leading to the Tower of Spirits, and, in a neon coup d’etat,

rip her very spirit from her body, as he does so happening to mention (for no

real reason) that the latter is necessary for Malladus’s resurrection. He

breaks the Tower of Spirits while he’s doing all of this, removes practically

all remaining Spirit Tracks from the face of the land, and then takes off to

begin the ritual.

We don’t see him over the course of four dungeons, as we race to restore

Malladus’s shackles. When we finally catch up to him, Malladus’s resurrection

is already well underway, and we arrive just in time to see him take over

Zelda’s body. Byrne kneels before Malladus and asks him for a fraction of his

power, but both Malladus and Cole immediately reject him. Cole once again

summons his Demon Train, and once again completely disappears for another long

stretch of game.

Link and Zelda’s next encounter with Cole is their last. Pursuing him into the

Dark Realm, they find him and Malladus riding atop the Demon Train. While Zelda

rushes forward to reclaim her body, Cole tries to fend her off by shooting mice

at her. Link’s job is to keep them from hitting their mark, but if they do,

Cole will take control of Zelda by magical marionette strings and begin to not

only swing the Phantom’s sword at him, but also walk towards him and away from

Malladus, causing you to lose huge amounts of progress with each failed attempt

to sever the strings. This makes Cole by far the most aggravating final boss

character in the series if nothing else. Following Zelda’s body reclamation,

Malladus will see not much recourse and eat his loyal follower, who screams for

mercy but ends up possessed anyway. Nintendo can be uncharacteristically

frickin’ harsh sometimes. The form Malladus assumes here retains his own blue

but appears like a sort of extrapolated, more demonic version of Cole, mainly

in the horns. He claims that although he can’t correctly interface with Cole’s

body (it not being quite so special as Zelda’s) and will be forced out soon,

he’ll have destroyed the world by the time that happens. Link and Zelda aren’t

about to have any of that, so they stab Cole’s monstrous form in the head with

the Lokomo Sword, killing both him and Malladus in so doing. I’m telling you,

uncharacteristically harsh.

=============================================================================

C h a r l o

Because you can never have too many people asking you to give them money

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess had all kinds of characters that would have gone unnamed in

previous instalments due to their overall uselessness, but are out with

full-force monikers here. This really gums up the works with unnecessary

entries, all the more so when I feel the need to pontificate about the

situation. Charlo is the robed pastor-looking guy in West Hyrule Castle Town

who asks you for Rupees, apparently for a Hyrule restoration project in the

wake of twilit destruction or something along those lines. For the longest time

I thought Aonuma and the gang were just scamming me, but actually after you

contribute 1000 Rupees your generosity, patience and dedication will be

rewarded with a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

C h e f B e a r

What was that sound?

Race: Bear

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Owning what may be a small restaurant in Animal Village (the only one, if

that’s what it is), Chef Bear dons an apron and chef’s hat to tend what looks

like either pots of soup or jars of honey. Although her culinary specialties

are unknown, her preferences are not, because everyone knows that all bears

have an insatiable lust for honey. In exchange for the Honeycomb that Tarin

knocked out of a tree with a Stick, which he immediately regretted doing as the

swarm set in, Chef Bear gives Link a Pineapple. No one knows if Chef Bear is

male or female, but I’ve always assumed she’s a guy.

=============================================================================

C h r i s H o u l i h a n

Justin Bailey

Race: ...

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Chris Houlihan is a real person. He won a contest in Nintendo Power in which

the winner would be put in the next Zelda game. And he’s there, but if you

played the game, you probably never even noticed him; he’s a little out of the

way, as you might expect. The secret is to cause a malfunction in your SNES

cart. Chris Houlihan’s room is there as crash protection. If you enter a door

or fall through a hole or otherwise do something that will take you to a new

screen, and your game glitches out, you’ll appear in Chris Houlihan’s room.

There’s a few ways to do this that I’ve looked up but won’t detail here for

reasons of concision and topicality, but I’m sure you can open a new tab and

find them for yourself without much difficulty.

You can also enter his room by means placed in the game intentionally, by

starting at either the Sanctuary or the easternmost edge of Kakariko Village

and then using the Pegasus Boots to run nonstop to the hole you fell into at

the beginning of the game (shortly before encountering your dying uncle.)

Except you won’t fall into there, you’ll fall into Chris Houlihan’s Room.

It’s just a little cave with a bunch of Rupees and a Sahasrahla tablet on the

north wall, but it’s one weird secret. If you use the tablet Chris Houlihan

announces himself and basically tells you that you’ve broken into his house.

And with those two lines of dialogue, he somehow gets a profile. Does that

REALLY count as a character? Guess so.

What I want to know is, what’s the deal with the Japanese version of the game?

Did Japan have its own winner, or does Chris appear internationally? That’d be

a little strange, to have an American appear in the Japanese version, though I

guess it wouldn’t be out of place since all the names in that game are foreign

anyway. While we’re on the subject, does Chris appear in other localizations,

such as maybe the Brazilian version? Does he have the same name, is his room

even accessible?

=============================================================================

C h r i s t i n e

Enchantress

Race: Goat

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Also known as Miss Goat (the name that is eternally branded into my own

memory), Christine is a young woman living in Animal Village who is pen pals

with a man named Mr Write who lives near Goponga Swamp. But the bond they share

runs far deeper than the fact that they’re both named after their defining

characteristics; they’re wildly in love. Link gives the insufferable narcissist

a hibiscus to win her favour, and as a reward she sends him on an errand - this

is exactly the sort of woman that I always end up going for in real life -

giving him a letter and a picture of Princess Peach to deliver to Mr Write.

This of course all works out for Link in the end, because it’s part of the

all-important Trading Game, but when Mr Write, upon seeing the photograph,

declares that the time has come for him to finally meet this beauty in person

and hastens to make travel preparations, I’m afraid I kind of have to worry for

the couple’s future.

=============================================================================

C h u d l e y

Swindler

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Eponymous owner and operator of Chudley’s Fine Goods and Fancy Trinkets

Emporium, a small shop in the eastern block of Hyrule Castle Town’s market

square, Chudley is a snivelling elitist with a very strange sense of fashion.

In order to so much as gander at his horrifically overpriced merchandise, one

must endure endure the simpering comments he showers on customers he does not

deem worthy, and that’s only after passing a careful inspection from the

doorman ensuring that the grubby don’t come in to sully the wares. That would

ruin the experience for paying customers, since the whole setup is designed to

offer the sense of partaking in a level of classiness that commoners can only

dream of. Speaking of paying customers, that’s one thing that Link can never be

while within the embrace of the Emporium, because every single item costs more

than the entire capacity of the largest wallet he can obtain. Almost every

single one is a perfectly everyday thing that can be found at any store

anywhere, but Chudley talks them up like they’re the most amazing incredible

magnificent things he’s ever seen.

He doesn’t get very far with this, however; after being donated incredibly

massive amounts of Rupees, Malo fixes the eastern Hyrule Castle Town bridge,

establishes a supply convoy route from there to Kakariko, and promptly buys out

the Emporium. Good riddance. The lot becomes a new Malo Mart location, and its

gracious new management puts on a grand opening sale that lasts until the end

of the game, with everything in stock on for half price. This means that

running down to the corner for a bundle of Arrows sets you back naught but

pocket change, though as always it’s still cheaper to just run around any

outdoor area cutting things up with your sword for a while. Of course, this

also puts the Magic Armour down to a cool 598 Rupees, well within Link’s

budget, but anyway, none of this directly relates to Chudley.

Chudley discards his old garb in favour of something more stylish and

apparently changes his name to Malver, now manager of Malver’s Marvelous

Market. Though his moustache-grooming techniques remain as questionable as

ever, his customer service skills have skyrocketed, perhaps due to some

coaching from the always-honest Malo. As if that weren’t enough of an

improvement, Malver has also learned some sweet new dance moves that he busts

out in synchronus with his fellow employees, all to the tune of the supersweet

Malo Mart melody.

=============================================================================

C i e l a

Pretty down-to-earth for a goddess

Race: Fairy

Apearances: Phantom Hourglass

In the first DS Zelda title, series director Aonuma Eiji professed a desire for

a fully stylus-driven Link. I’m not exactly sure why, but he apparently felt it

would be helpful to include an onscreen cursor. I find this sort of unnecessary

since you can obviously see your physical stylus, but it does add character to

what you’re doing, and blossomed into Ciela.

As fairies go, she doesn’t measure up to the N64 legends, but she has sort of a

mixture of Navi’s purity and Tatl’s spunk. She does admirably fulfil the role

of Link’s voice, always maintaining a level head even in dire circumstances and

trading barbs with Linebeck during intermissions. On top of that, of course,

she performs the usual mechanic-explaining and puzzle-pondering we get from all

of Link’s allies. And on top of that she makes the incredibly slick

contribution of wielding Link’s Hammer. This enables him to make punishing

blows at range all over the damn place, with just a simple tap on the touch

screen.

However, thanks to the battle with Bellum prior to PH’s opening, Ciela finds

herself reduced to the powers of an ordinary fairy with all her memories wiped.

She’s still the same rambunctious, dutiful cowgirl she always was, though, so

when she sees an opportunity to help out ‘Grandpa Oshus,’ she won’t take no for

an answer. Oshus eventually relents and Ciela sets off with Link and Linebeck,

unknowingly on a quest to rescue her brother and sister. This all goes

smoothly, but when they locate the third spirit, they find it an unresponsive

shell. Everyone is thoroughly confused by this, except for Oshus, who explains

what’s really going on and re-fuses Ciela’s conscious half and the part

containing her power and memories that had been ripped out of her. Ciela

awakens as the Spirit of Courage and the three are reunited in solidarity.

At this point Ciela doesn’t become any more useful or anything, but the second

arc of the story does kick off here. Ciela sticks it through right until the

final battle, where she proves her worth by harnessing the power of the Phantom

Sword (forged from the three Pure Metals and the Phantom Hourglass) and giving

Link the ability to temporarily stop time, allowing him to attack Bellum. In

the last stage of the battle, Bellum hijacks her, but Link manages to knock her

from his grasp. Ciela then shows one final useful ability: Since Bellum can

only be damaged when his eye is open, and his eye is on his back, she displays

it on the DS’s top screen, so that Link knows when the time is right to attack.

With her help, Link is able to slay Bellum and rid the Ocean King of his

Bellum-related ailments.

But with that done, their time together is over, and Oshus uses his newly

restored power to heal the bestoned Tetra, then teleport her and Link far away

and back onto the deck of their ship. Link and Ciela will never meet again. It

was all so sudden, wasn’t it?

=============================================================================

C o b a l

Secretive political organization (Co)

Race: Mogma

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Although Cobal is technically Ledd's partner, it feels a bit strange to call

him that since Ledd is much more assertive and always the one getting things

done while Cobal hangs back and worries about him. To his credit, however,

Cobal does have a pretty cool hairstyle. We encounter the dynamic duo a few

times together, up until the Earth Temple, when they become separated, and

after which Cobal is barely seen again.

=============================================================================

C o m p o s e r B r o t h e r s

Ghostly musicians

Race: Poes

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Composer Brothers are a little confusing. Based on Ocarina of Time’s

cemetery, one would expect them to be Hylians, but Majora’s Mask shows them to

be Poes. Hmm.

Anyway, in Ocarina of Time they are only mentioned when you find the notes for

the Sun’s Song. They mention that they, the Composer Brothers, wrote it.

Anna Bare has this to say:

'I haven't played Ocarina of Time in a while, but I was almost certain that you

can "fight" the Composer Brothers, Flat and Sharp. I can't remember if you have

to be young or old Link (I think young), but if you go to the Graveyard in

Kakariko and examine each of the two gravestones on both sides of the big grave

(the one you blow up), the Brother is summoned and you can “fight” him.' Joao

Paulo Hoppe confirms, adding that when defeated they talk about their lives and

the Sun’s Song. The Platinum Knight says something similar. Well, I guess

that’s settled.

They reappear in Majora’s Mask, at the top of Ikana Canyon. We learn here that

their names are Flat and Sharp, which, if you don’t know, are two kinds of

musical notes (hitting F-sharp when the composition calls for F-flat is a major

performance blunder that will cost you much respect, or so children’s shows

would have me believe.) Sharp has tried to restore Ikana, the dead kingdom, to

its former splendour, but has inadvertently made it even worse than before. As

a result of his deal with Skull Kid, not only have the dead risen, but his

brother Flat has been imprisoned. In the process, Sharp has also been

corrupted. Flat is still fundamentally good, whereas Sharp tries to kill Link

and stands a good shot at it. However, a quick rendition of the Song of Healing

soothes his confused, battered soul. The brothers teach Link the quest-critical

Song of Storms before departing for the next world.

=============================================================================

C o r o

Shinoda Cycle supplier

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

‘Coro’ sounds like some kind of low-quality industrial manufacturer from the

mid- to late-90’s or something. I’m sure I’ve heard it.

The subject of this distorted memory most likely has no relation to Coro from

Twilight Princess, the younger brother of Iza and older brother of Hena. He

makes his home in the woods where he brews Lantern Oil. He sells not only oil,

which comes in a Bottle that you can later use for other things (love those

Bottles, yeah?), and is even kind enough to straight-up give away the Lantern

itself. Thunder Wave, Confuse Ray, Surf, Thunderbolt; that’s what I always ran

on my Parafusion Lanturn. He provides Link with the key to the Forest Temple as

well. Sadly, he is something of a black sheep in his family, as his fishing

prowess is shameful in comparison to that of his sisters and of their ancient

ancestor, the guy from Ocarina of Time’s Fishing Hole. On the other hand, he

does have an afro, which always ups coolness by a factor of 4.6, although in

this case its coolness is somewhat diminished by the fact that it is literally

a bird’s nest. There’s a picture of him in Hena’s Fishing Hole.

Ah! It wasn’t a manufacturer at all. I was thinking of CoroCoro Comics.

=============================================================================

C r a z y T r a c y

‘Crazy’ in this game? You’ve got a long way to go, darling

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

I don’t know, guys, I think Crazy Tracy is pretty cute. I mean she’s got those

little button eyes and that long, bouncy black hair and that huge red bow on

her head. I mean it just, it suits her somehow. She also seems to keep a pet

rat, which isn’t cute, but not like there’s a problem with that or anything.

Sweetheart spends her free time brewing Secret Medicine, which, like its

counterparts in other games, fully restores Link’s hearts should he at any time

run out. As a little bonus, she’ll also restore all of Link’s hearts upon

purchase, though unlike in Zelda II, this happens on-camera, so we can’t make

childish jokes about it. Conveniently, these services are quite easy to access:

If you play Manbo’s Mambo outdoors, you’ll immediately teleport to the pond in

her backyard (such as it is), which makes me really wonder just what kind of

magical-properties schwerve is going on with that thing. Maybe she makes her

Medicine out of the water?

Given the fact that half the cast of Link’s Awakening come from other games,

it’s fitting that Crazy Tracy herself appeared in an another game. It’s funny

because she was almost LA’s only original character. Captain*Rainbow, a

Nintendo-published carnival of obscure references, features not only Crazy

Tracy, but Birdo, Little Mac, Mappo from GiFTPiA, Drake Redcrest from

Chibi-Robo, and Lip from Panel de Pon. It features protagonist Nick and his

adventures on Mimin Island as he uses his sentai-like powers of superhero

transformation to regain his lost popularity (lol, he’s a new property, when

was he ever popular in the first place?). Progressing in vaguely episodic

fashion, Nick helps the slew of referential characters he encounters fulfill

their deepest desires. Condescending and oversexed, Tracy in particular is a

mild fanservice character who wants to enslave all the men of the world and

have them come to her mansion to fawn about her throne. I don’t know, I didn’t

quite get that vibe from her in LA.

She lives in a sizeable mansion located dead centre in the middle of Mimin

Island. Portraits of Mario and Link hang over her throne, but her current

target is Takamaru, a samurai living on the island's west end who hails from

Nazo no Murasamejou, which plays like the first Zelda game if it were pure

action. Though skilled in the ways of the blade and dreaming of becoming the

best in the world, Takamaru is hopeless when it comes to women. After teaching

Nick to meditate, it transpires that one of the Mimin (little rabbit-like

creatures that inhabit and power the island) accidentally cuts the ear off

another. Since Tracy is, after all, an apothecary, they decide to take the

matter to her. Before she'll even listen to Nick, he must pass a quiz featuring

idiotically specific questions about the island, at which point Tracy will

acknowledge that, although a man, he may not be completely useless. She follows

that up by telling him that Takamaru should come to her directly, since it's he

who wants the medicine. Takamaru requires a lot of practise, and with the help

of his sword-training dummy and a bra stolen from Tracy's dresser, he is able

to begin conquering his fear of women. After a round of meditation – which

involves holding down A, B, C, Z, 1, 2, and D-pad up, one by one,

simultaneously – he is able to talk to her. He must then work up the courage to

climb up the stairs against the power of her womanly scent, and requires Nick

to give him a quick bump every time he begins to succumb. Eventually, after one

final meditation, Takamaru is able to apologize (I think? I'm not clear on this

part), and Tracy commands him to kiss her shoe. He moves to do it, and she

stops him at the last second, satisfied that he was able to throw away his

pride. Nick obtains Tracy's friendship bond, Takamaru's portrait appears above

her throne, and she lets Nick into the path to the storeroom, which requires

him to go through three hallways and pick the correct of three doors at the end

of each one, at which point he FINALLY obtains the medicine. When you send

Tracy away from the island, she admits that she may have been wrong about men

in general, even if she still intends to enslave them all, and finally says

that her experiences with Takamaru have probably made her a little more mature.

Her final appearance is in the credits, where she shows up with everybody else

whom Nick sent away, and presumably they all fly away together on the last star.

==============================================================================

C r o o

Lover of life

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Croo is a lively, kind old man who offers to buy you a drink if you'll sit and

chat with him. This is probably the single most effective way to get a young

man to sit and chat with you in the entire world. Sometimes he has useful

information or interesting musings to share, too. Croo is eminently proud of,

and responds quite well to praise for, his grandson, who is one of the Skyloft

Knights who rescue and then scold people who fall off the edge. Strange then

that Parrow didn't go to Croo's grandson when his sister disappeared, and

instead waited around for Link to show up, which might not have been for days.

=============================================================================

C u b u s S i s t e r s

Calypsos

Race: Poes

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

After traversing several dangerous dungeons and rescuing the Spirits of Power,

Wisdom and Courage from their monstrous jailers, Link is finally able to track

down the Ghost Ship that took off with Tetra at the beginning of Phantom

Hourglass. Leaping aboard, he swiftly makes for its darkest and most

treacherous bowels, only to come across, of all the random things, a sweet

little girl. She wears a red riding hood, actually. She quickly explains that

her three sisters have gone and gotten lost elsewhere within the ship, and

she’s too afraid to go and find them herself. But look! Here’s Link, the

prophesied hero whom she somehow eerily knows all about, so won’t he please go

and retrieve them? Oh, come on. Of course he will, Link can’t refuse a request

for help from anybody.

So he trundles off into the creaking abyss, and in short order he finds the

second sister and manages to convince her to follow. As it turns out, though,

his charges are some of the most uncooperative he’s ever had. Like other people

he’s had to escort in the past, not only do they freak out when monsters are

around and become useless until he kills them – which is acceptable – but, like

Zelda in the escape sequence of Ocarina of Time, they get frightened if you

WALK TOO FAST. They have trouble keeping pace with Link, so you really have to

be careful not to let them fall behind and start cowering, or they’ll start

fussing and you’ll have to talk to them to calm them down and continue the

journey. It’s a little more of a pain than it would otherwise be, too, since

they’re not as mobile as Link either, unable to hop chasms or do much of

anything other than waddle, really. On top of that, they scream. And we all

know how Phantoms and Reaplings react when they hear loud noises. They teleport

on top of your face.

As if all that weren’t enough, they give bad advice too. They instruct Link not

to hit the Reaplings in their sternal weak points, for example, and when they

reach a set of two chests, the third sister warns Link not to open the left

chest, because it’s a trap, while the right one holds a treasure. I totally

called her on this, but figured nah I’m being paranoid and opened the

right-hand one anyways. This was a mistake. It summoned another Reapling.

She tries to apologize and be all cute, but there’s a hint of joyous malice in

her tone somehow (even without VA.) By this point, it’s likely becoming clear

what’s really going on, given how unhelpful they’ve been. When Link finally

reunites all four sisters, they end their little game and begin another one,

assuming their true forms as Poe-like creatures (fitting that Poes would be the

bosses of the GHOST Ship), not unlike the Little Women of OoT. The Diabolical

Cubus Sisters then proceed to attack in a manner usually reserved for

Ganondorf, Vaati or individuals under their control (Agahnim, Phantom Ganon,

etc), which is to say they fire balls of coloured energy at Link that he must

deflect by batting them away with his sword. As is customary, the paths of his

bunts has nothing to do with where on the sword it connects, or the angle of

his weapon, or even the direction he’s facing. Just to make things more

interesting, they shoot laser beams out of their eyes. O.O Anyway, if you keep

repelling their energy balls they’ll start to screw up and eventually miss; two

impacts is enough to down a sister. The battle intensifies when Link narrows

the field down to just the eldest, green-cloaked sister, as she starts to fire

all kinds of projectiles including energy balls that can’t be reflected in any

way, which could potentially lead to a Touhou-level Charlie Foxtrot of stuff

flying around trying to kill you. So hey yeah, after the final sister tastes

her own medicine three times – which makes me question why she would fire the

reflectable energy ball at all instead of keeping with her unpunishable attacks

– she falls to the ground, surrenders the Ghost Key that allows access to

stoned Tetra, and disintegrates as so many Zelda bosses do.

=============================================================================

C u c c o L a d y

Perhaps Zyrtec would help

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Minish Cap

The residents of Kakariko Village are known for being a little...off beat. The

Cucco Lady does nothing to tarnish its reputation. (‘Sell me something with C

guy’ is also up there.) The Cucco Lady raises Cuccos even though she’s

allergic; that’s why she’s sneezing all the time. I think she does it because

her grandmother raised Cuccos or something. She can’t even keep all the Cuccos

in the pen, and enlists Link to gather them all up. His reward is an Empty

Bottle. Her avian escapees cause similar problems in The Minish Cap, and Link

is again called into action, but this time has a few differences: The Cuccos

run away (requiring the Pegasus Boots for the squirellier ones), the game is

played over several rounds, and for some reason, it’s timed.

=============================================================================

D a l t u s

One King of Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

The Minish Cap-era King of Hyrule. He is quite tall and obese, and he wears a

long red robe, and he’s rendered in the GBA’s version of cel-shading, and thus

he bears a striking resemblance to Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. He reportedly was a

great swordsman in his youth, and fought to a draw with Link’s uncle Smith one

year at the Picori Festival. He’s become a huge wimp since then, since the most

initiative he takes when his own daughter is kidnapped is to tell his guards to

look for her and assign Link a few special missions that will hopefully lead to

her recovery.

He apparently does a not-bad job at ruling Hyrule, however, as his subjects

seem pretty happy. Minister Potho, who looks like a flea, assists him in this

endeavour. Mayor Hagen takes care of Hyrule Castle Town itself.

=============================================================================

D a m p e

Insert lame joke about ‘digging’ graves

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Minish Cap

The Kakariko Village Graveyard is located just behind the village itself. This

is the final resting place of all Kakariko and Hyrule Castle Town citizens.

Those who swore fealty to the Hylian Royal Family long ago get special lots.

Towards the very back, with a headstone that’s taller than you are, is the

Royal Tomb. Link can enter the tomb and wander around in it, and for some

reason a song written by the Composer Brothers is down there. In adult form,

Link will be harassed by Poes. A little kid wanders around, because he likes it

there, but complains that nobody thinks he’s scary because he’s too cute.

Dampe is the gravekeeper.

He’s an ugly, short, hunched-over guy who looks like he was hit in the side of

the face with a sledgehammer. He always wears black robes, and he carries

around a shovel and lantern.

If Link knocks on his door during the daytime, he’ll get yelled at – Dampe is

working the graveyard shift, after all (true historical term), and he needs his

beauty sleep. At night, though, he runs the Heart-Pounding Grave-digging Tour,

where he’ll follow Link around the cemetery and dig wherever he tells him to,

for 10 Rupees each time. Good luck will yield some nice prizes, like a Heart

Piece.

Seven years later, he’s died. The little kid takes over and Dampe gets his own

tomb. If Link finds it, he can enter and meet Dampe’s ghost. Dampe had a cool

springy toy when he was alive, and he’ll give it to Link if he can keep up with

him as he speeds through the adjacent tombs, dropping fire from his lantern.

The toy is actually the Hookshot, probably the coolest item in video game

history, no exaggerations. It shoots a pointed wedge with a chain attached,

allowing Link to cross gaps, hit stuff from afar, grab hard-to-reach items and

attack enemies. It got screwed over in The Wind Waker, though. If Link keeps up

in a second, harder race, he’ll get a Piece of Heart.

He plays a similar roll in Majora’s Mask as groundskeeper of Ikana Graveyard,

but his attendance is inverted. The Stalchildren come out at night, and they

scare him, so he can be found only during the day. If Link wears the Captain’s

Hat, which makes him look like the leader of the Stalchildren, he’ll cry that

they’ve started coming out in the daytime too, and run away screaming.

He once again reprises his role in The Minish Cap, where he tends Royal Valley.

All he does is give Link a key and help him reach the end of the segment, but

at least this time he isn’t afraid of something that comes with the job.

============================================================================

D a n a n d J o n

Dungeon Masters

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Iroduki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

I'm not actually into D&D, myself, but Dan and Jon are certainly into making

labyrinths for players to make their way through. Tingle and his group travel

into the imposing temple behind Aomono Village, cross a lake in a rickety old

boat, and approach an ominous cave...and upon entering, find it well-lit and

fully furnished, with two guys hanging out inside. Dan sports a pompadour and

Mario-mushroom shirt, while Jon is a blonde painter. It would seem that Jon is

more creative while Dan runs the business, a sort of Donald Draper and Roger

Sterling type of relationship.

Together, their name is a pun on 'danjon,' or 'dungeon,' and that is exactly

what you can come for: A series of touch-screen powered mazes for you to run

around in, picking up coins while avoiding monsters. If you do run into a

monster, you'll be forced to play rock-paper-scissors; losing will cost you up

to 30 seconds, while winning will gain you only five. However, each time you

collect a coin you have a chance of earning a bonus, including additional

coins, a map of the current floor, or 15 more seconds. I once managed to get

through one of the expert courses, collecting 100 coins, starting with five

minutes and finishing with eight. How's THAT for luck (skill?). Each coin gets

you Rupees, and naturally the higher difficulty levels have a better payout.

You start with only two dungeons available, but can find more in your travels,

and Dan will happily add it to the collection. Some have amusing themes, such

as 'Kindergarten Wars,' cuteness, Captain Rainbow, and 'Super Dungeon Bros.,'

but they're generally pretty similar.

The aforementioned second dungeon contains a Gasoringo seed somewhere on its

third floor, which is why we come in the first place, but you'll want to return

many times, as dungeon runs are by far the fastest way to collect the thousands

upon thousands of Rupees you'll need to please all of your women. Dan sets the

dungeon by placing cartridges that look suspiciously like Famikon games into a

machine that looks suspiciously like a Famikon, and will sometimes even have to

blow into it to make it work. They also dream of collecting every dungeon ever

made, and when Tingle brings them the final one they will be overcome with

excitement. They'll then realise that they did nothing, be happy anyway, and

bust open a Secret.

============================================================================

D a r k L i n k

Amorphous inner evil

Race: Shadows

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Four Swords Adventures

Spirit Tracks

Any way you slice it, Dark Link (in any of his several forms) is a fascinating

character. After all, our boy Link is a paragon of courage and benevolence, and

Dark Link is basically him – on the polar opposite end of the morality

spectrum. His origins and motivations are a mystery, but it’s endless fun to

speculate.

I’ve listed all of these together in the same profile, under the name of Dark

Link because that’s probably the version most players will be most familiar

with. But that does not mean they’re the same character by any means. They

could be, I guess, but I would tend to think of them as separate.

'He' made his debut as Link’s Shadow, the last boss in The Adventure of Link.

In that game, one had to traverse the frustratingly difficult Great Palace,

square off with Thunderbird and then take on Link’s Shadow without rest. Shadow

Link was a palette swap of Link...except the new palette was entirely black.

Yup, he was just a silhouette. Except for magic, he could do everything Link

could, which meant he could both jump and use his sword. He had the two special

sword techniques (the Downward and Upward Thrusts) and, once he got going, he

attacked relentlessly. There was potential for a long and tough fight, but

players could exploit the relatively simple behaviour pattern for a very quick

and easy one. They simply had to jump, which would cause Link’s Shadow to lower

his shield. They would then slash on the way down, smacking him in the noggin.

Shadow Link would be knocked back, and the process would be repeated as

necessary. Still, he was a pretty original boss character for the time.

His first appearance as Dark Link was in Ocarina of Time as the Water Temple

mini-boss. The fight took place in a huge room that housed an ankle-deep lake.

Link’s shadow was clearly visible in the reflection of the water. When he ran

over the centre island’s pool of water, however, it mysteriously vanished. Link

then saw the locked door, turned around, and found Dark Link waiting on the

island. This fight involved a considerably better set of actions; for one

thing, Dark Link had the ability to spring up and disappear at will, and easily

evaded Link’s stabs. This battle was fairly non-linear in regards to how Dark

Link could be defeated, and I’ve seen a number of different strategies. A few

of the more popular ones are straight swordfighting, Spin Attacks, the Megaton

Hammer and Din’s Fire. When Dark Link went down, the illusion disappeared and

the room was just an ordinary, closed-in Water Temple chamber. The prize was

the Longshot (well, actually it was a Small Key unlocking the room beyond,

which contained the Longshot.)

I’m not sure this next one counts, but arguably a form of Dark Link appeared as

Fierce Deity Link (Kiishin Rinku) in Majora’s Mask. At the end of his quest,

Link was transported to the inside of the moon, where he found a tree with a

kid sitting under it and four prancing around it. They each wore the mask of

one of the game’s four dungeon bosses, except for the sitting kid who wore

Majora’s Mask. If Link had collected all 20 Happy Masks, he could trade them to

partake in each child’s mini-dungeon. If he completed them all before talking

to the Majora Child, the spirit would notice that Link had no masks and give

him the Fierce Deity’s Mask so they could play ‘good guys and bad guys.’ Link

was the bad guy. The Fierce Deity was apparently a demon whom early Terminan

Hylians sealed in a mask. When Link dons the mask, he takes on a form much like

his adult one from Ocarina of Time, but with armour, a whitish-blue colour

scheme, eyes without pupils, and a really big, double-helixish sword that can

shoot fireballs, even after he’s taken damage. Beating Majora’s Mask was a snap

as the Fierce Deity. (By the way, the reason he’s here is because of the whole

‘dark spirit’ thing.)

The Adventure of Link had Link’s Shadow, so Four Swords Adventures turned that

around and gave us Shadow Link. An apparition created by Vaati, Shadow Link

tricked Link into drawing the Four Sword and being sundered. After that, he

caused mayhem throughout Hyrule, and produced at least three copies of himself.

Setting fires and harassing civilians, he showed up twice each stage, where

whoever smacked him could snag 100 Force Gems. He was also a boss for several

stages – these battles were usually waged on both the Light World TV screen and

the Dark World GBA screen. He would eventually take on a colour, and only the

corresponding Link could damage him in this state.

Dark Link also showed up kind of out of nowhere as the ‘secret’ boss of Spirit

Tracks, where he reigned as the final challenge of Take ‘Em All On, Level 3.

Unfortunately, he was also the most underwhelming boss of the entire game, as

his attacks did shockingly little damage, he himself went down in like ten

hits, and Link was limited to his sword only, turning the whole affair into a

tactless slashfest. That said, some of his attacks were quite cool, as he was

capable of using some of the classic Zelda arsenal, particularly Bombs, which

he would toss your way before immediately pulling out the Bow and firing,

detonating it right away. If you ran out of range of the explosion, he would

proceed to fire continuous volleys until you were able to approach again,

making the best strategy here to attack him before he could throw the Bomb in

the first place. He also had some sword tricks of his own, including a delayed

slash followed by a Jump Attack (after which he was briefly vulnerable), and

either of the two special techniques, provided Link had already acquired them

himself by that point (mine knew the Great Spin Attack but not the Sword Beam.)

Oh, and I guess it’s worth mentioning that he appears in Super Smash Bros

Melee, in Event Match 18: Link’s Adventure. Here, he’s basically a Level 9

Link, but coloured black instead of textured. You have to defeat him as genuine

Link. Taking him down isn’t much trouble, but it’s a cool idea anyway.

=============================================================================

D a r m a n i

Stalwart defender

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Gorons are accustomed to living in warm, dry climates, like underground or

inside a volcano. Termina, like it’s other-dimension counterpart Hyrule, was

bathed in perpetual spring. So when Skull Kid started his takeover and froze

over Snowhead Mountain, the Gorons were in for quite a shock. The direct cause

of all this could be addressed if one were to travel to Snowhead Temple defeat

Goht. The Gorons’ only warrior, Darmani, attempted just this, and was killed in

the process.

The Gorons built a shrine to remember him, but his spirit couldn’t move on

because he knew his people were suffering. Link is able to see Darmani’s ghost

using the Lens of Truth, and follows him to the shrine. His ghost is dark grey

and has no pupils. Notably, one can see a large gash running from his

upper-left chest to lower-right belly; it’s safe to assume this is from the

killing blow dealt him by Goht. Link plays the Song of Healing for him and we

watch his first moments in the afterlife as he goes to meet his dead comrades –

he’s scared as hell, but he doesn’t shy away and instead boldly meets the next

life (though he screams.) Link gets the Goron Mask, allowing him to assume

Darmani’s form.

In this form, Link can throw his weight around, attack with a powerful

three-part fiery punching combo, roll around like the Hot Rodder Goron (and

others), and play songs on the Goron Bongos.

=============================================================================

D a r u n i a

Jovial dancer

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Goron leader is called the Big Brother Goron. Now I’m sure Darunia is a

good administrator and all, but he has quite a cold personality. When the

Dodongos chase the Gorons out of Dodongo Cavern, their main source of food,

they begin to starve. Man, if it’s not one thing it’s another with the Gorons,

eh? Anyway, Darunia locks himself into his room and refuses to accept visitors

until Link plays Zelda’s Lullaby in front of his door, and even then he only

admits him because he thinks he’s a royal messenger. Stupid Hylians, always

abandoning the Gorons in their times of need.

He perks up when he hears Saria’s Song, though, and does quite an energetic

dance. He then gives Link the Goron’s Bracelet, an item so huge Link wears it

around his upper arm, which lets him pick Bomb Flowers safely. When Link

vanquishes King Dodongo and the Gorons are able to return and get their

much-needed, tasty rock sirloin, he gives Link the Goron’s Ruby, the Spiritual

Stone of Fire.

Later on, when Volvagia is eating the Gorons and imprisoning those he plans to

eat later, Darunia enters the Fire Temple and tries to fight Volvagia. (Darmani

has a similar encounter in Majora’s Mask, except Darunia survives.) He fails,

of course, but asks Link to give it a try in his stead. When he Link does kill

Volvagia and rids Death Mountain of its fiery ring (which temporarily replaced

the smoky one), Darunia awakens as the Sage of Fire and stays at the Fire

Temple to protect it and pray to the gods for Link’s success.

In the seven years Link spends in suspended animation, Darunia somehow produces

a son and names him after Link, in honour of the Sworn Brother bond they share.

=============================================================================

D a v i d J r.

Absconded workhorse

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

With the introduction of David Jr, Knuckle and Ankle, Tingle became a whole lot

creepier. He enlisted the labour of not only his little brothers but also some

person from NOBODY KNOWS WHERE to work ceaselessly churning the gears of a

giant lighthouse on a tiny island in the middle of the sea modelled to look

like a giant effigy of his own head stuck atop a totemless totem poll. Not only

did he do this, but he forced the trio to wear a uniform, that is, one of the

full-body-spandex-babysuit-plus-speedo things that he wears himself, except

that David Jr’s was white and brown where Tingle garbed himself in green and

red. For some reason, despite Link being the kind of guy who would travel

across an entire country on foot in order to pick a flower for some guy to give

to the girl he likes just because he doesn’t have the courage to confess on his

own power, open slavery seems to be A-ok in his books, because he doesn’t due a

thing to help the poor guy. Maybe David Jr just complains too much and gets on

the perpetually hardworking Link’s nerves. Try asking nicely next time!

His role in The Minish Cap is a little less wretched: He sits atop a plateau

and offers to fuse Kinstone pieces. Doing so enough times with all four members

of the party opens up some super-special secret stuff.

The identity of David Sr is unknown.

=============================================================================

D a z z l e L y p h o s

I happen to be...a hero!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Prior to the events of the game, Dazzle Lyphos gave his life protecting Port

Town from an unspecified threat. In his honour, the citizens erected a statue

in his likeness, and built the so-called Hero's Shrine beneath it. Strangely,

you can actually find his body in this shrine, just sort of lying in a corner.

Later on, you can get his sword, which is worth a pretty penny.

=============================================================================

D e k a d i n

Decadence

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

With official artwork not remotely resembling his in-game sprite, Dekadin lives

in a lightless house in Lynna City. He’s really negative and depressed all the

time, with no motivation or even the slightest inclination to go outside or

talk to anyone. In an effort to cheer him up (and, incidentally, obtain the

Noble Sword), Link tells him the Funny Joke. The humour is lost on him, but,

moved that someone would even make the effort, Dekadin offers Link the Touching

Book in thanks.

=============================================================================

D e k u R o y a l F a m i l y

Wooden monarchs

Race: Deku Scrubs

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Deku Scrubs have been consistently showing up as a variant of Octoroks since

Ocarina of Time, but only a handful have had real character, and only the Deku

Royal Family is worth mentioning. Unlike most of the major characters in

Majora’s Mask, they have no Ocarina of Time counterparts.

They reside in Deku Palace, which is accessible only by ferry since the

surrounding waters are poisonous. It is guarded by a number of patrolling,

three-leaved Scrubs who will throw you out if they find you someplace you

shouldn’t be.

The Deku King rules the Scrubs of Termina, but he seems to be a little corrupt;

he spends all three days punishing a monkey accused of kidnapping his daughter,

even though the only proof he has is a single eyewitness. He has a number of

pointy leaves for hair, carries a flowery sceptre, and inexplicably has a giant

red bulb growing out of his back. Uh...

The princess has, in actuality, been kidnapped by Skull Kid. Odolwa is holding

her in in Woodfall Temple, and Link rescues her when he defeats the Mayan

warrior. Somehow, she’s able to shrink herself small enough to fit inside an

empty Bottle, by which method Link transports her safely back to the arms of

her father. She smacks him for being stupid, too. She’s a little more detailed

than an ordinary scrub, and she has a ponytail made out of a whip of leaves

accented with pink flowers. The monkey accused of kidnapping her is actually

her best friend, Kiki.

They are both attended by their uppity English butler, who has two bushes

growing out of his head and a moustache made from pointed leaves. If Link is

able to keep up with him in a race, much like with Dampe in Ocarina, he wins

the Mask of Scents. He also has a son who has been frozen into a still tree,

and he cries at his feet in the closing cutscene. Oddly, this is Link’s

Terminian counterpart – the Deku Scrub he can transform into has no name, but

is clearly the Deku Butler’s Son! In fact, after winning the race he mentions

how much Link looks like his son, pretty much proving this theory.

=============================================================================

D e m i s e

The World Warrior

Race: Demon

Appearances: Skyward Sword

The first thing that you're going to notice when you lay eyes on Demise is that

he bears an uncanny resemblance to the Street Fighter series's Akuma. Let's all

get that out of our systems. The similarities don't end there, either, as both

are physically large and powerful, both are out for revenge, and both are

marginally inspired by popular images of demons. Demise - whose Japanese name

is completely different, leaving the pronunciation of the North American one up

for debate – is a dark spirit who grew jealous of the supreme goddess Hylia's

vast power and inimitable beauty, and eventually his rage grew so intense that

he made designs on her very position as ruler of the world. And he came within

a hairsbreadth of success, too. While we're never shown the details of their

clash, Demise very nearly defeats his nemesis; it takes all of her power just

to seal him away in a small alternate dimension that serves as his prison cell

(a trick that will later be repeated with Ganon/Ganondorf and the Golden Land,

as well as underwater), after which she's so spent she's forced to relinquish

her godliness and rebirth herself into the form of a mortal.

Their struggle is far from over, however. Not satisfied with merely sealing him

away, knowing that he will eventually collect himself and make another bid for

top spot, she sets in place a number of mechanisms that will eventually lead to

Demise's defeat at the blade of her handpicked hero. For his part, Demise

spends the next thousand years railing against his bondage, his cage slowly

weakening under the pressure. Ultimately, both their plans begin to bear fruit

concurrently, and just as Link, the chosen one, is beginning to move, Demise

breaks free for the first time. Known in this form as the Imprisoned, he takes

the shape of a faceless, bipedal dinosaur-like creature with rows of

razor-sharp teeth, four bulbous toes on each foot, and rippling scales covering

its entire body. With each step it takes, an electric shockwave pulses out to a

radius of several metres. Most of the temple at which Demise and Hylia

conducted their battle was removed from the earth and flung into the heavens,

the manner of which basically left a giant corkscrew carved out of the earth;

Demise begins to advance up this path in hopes of laying waste to the Sealed

Temple. By attacking the beast's feet, Link is eventually able to topple him,

allowing him to reach the Sealing Spike protruding from atop his head. The

Sealing Spike, a combination of key and doorway that leads to Demise's

prison-realm, also dissolves his temporary body when hammered back into his

skull, at which point a Skyward Strike is able to force him all the way back

in, if only for the time being.

Indeed, Link, Groose and the elderly Impa soon discover that you can't keep

Demise down, and upon his second resurgence the Imprisoned grows arms. He uses

these to occasionally attempt to haul himself up to another level, saving

himself time. Luckily, Link's task is made easier this round by the

Groosenator, a mobile Bomb-firing cannon that Groose invented (it rides around

on tracks he constructed circling the entire corkscrew.) A single hit from this

powerful weapon is enough to stun Demise into momentary immobility, not only

putting an end to any climbing or sliding attempts he might have been in the

middle of, but also allowing Link a chance to catch up, or get in a few hits if

he's already nearby. In the final such battle, a blackfire halo bursts from his

back; whether it's a cause or a symptom we don't know, but suddenly Demise can

fly. Cannon fire works it magic on these slow-floating attempts the first

couple of times, but a supply line mishap cuts off Groose from his Bombs. The

duo's only recourse is to have Link board the Groosenator and fling himself

onto Demise's head, allowing himself a few solid whacks at the Sealing Spike.

Crisis averted one last time.

And for a brief while, it seems that this may be the hero's final encounter

with the legendary demon. After completing the final dungeon, which rests

beneath the statue of Hylia in Skyloft, that section of the town drops right

out of the sky, just as Demise makes yet another run for the Sealed Temple. As

it turns out (and as I explained two paragraphs ago), Skyloft IS the remains of

the pre-Sealed Temple, meaning that Link just dropped a building on his head.

This finally accomplishes what nothing else could, and Demise is killed

permanently. It seems all is fine and dandy, but after one thing and then

another, the seemingly defeated Ghirahim appears at the site of celebration and

kidnaps Zelda, who has just awoken from a thousand-year self-induced slumber

meant to keep her away from Demise, who would use her (or rather Hylia's) power

to make himself King of Everything. Ghirahim's well-timed gambit outmanoeuvres

Zelda's, as he announces that while his master may be dead now, a quick jog

through the Door of Time will take him back to an era where he is merely still

asleep in his cage. Link and Groose give chase and Link ultimately defeats

Ghirahim, but not before he manages to complete the spell transferring Hylia's

power into Demise's Sealing Spike and creating the clear and present danger of

his imminent catastrophic escape. Demise slaughters his faithful servant and

transforms him back into his sword, which looks like a black and purple mockery

of the Master Sword. Groose takes custody of Zelda's body, since there's still

time to restore it to life if Link prevails, and Link heads into Demise's

mini-dimension for the final showdown.

After a thousand-year wait, Demise doesn't mind taking a few more moments to

have a few words with Link, pontificating against a backdrop of a pleasantly

cloudy, sunny sky and an endless expanse of inch-deep, crystal-clear water. He

explains his personal history with Hylia and spits all over both her and Zelda,

wondering why the stupid girl would would ever cast off her godly form in

favour of her current one, whose beauty absolutely pales in comparison to the

original; he asserts, in so many words, that Hylia was so beautiful that Link's

mortal mind literally can't even conceive of it. And then they fight. It's a

straightforward sword struggle, and the previously peaceful sky fills with

ominous black clouds and cracks with lightning. Demise deals a great deal of

damage and is himself quite robust, but nearly the entire fight is a simple

matter of dodge-and-counterattack (although he is surprisingly quick to recover

from a missed strike, so be careful not to get greedy in your responding

assault.) Eventually he starts to electrify his sword, which hurts Link if he

blocks an attack, and using Skyward Strikes, which are powerful but easy to

avoid. Lastly, he will charge Link if he strays too far away from him, but the

Hylian Shield all but negates this issue. When Demise finally does go down, the

world is saved, but he claims that he will not go gently into that good night.

He plants a seed of his rage within the world, that his spiritual successor may

inherit it. This man, Ganondorf, will in many ways exceed even Demise's

might...but that's a story for another day and a battle for other Links.

=============================================================================

D e m o n T r a i n

Sentient steam engine

Race: Machine

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

We might be stretching the definition of ‘character’ a little far here, but

Spirit Tracks is so filled with rampant train fetishism that we might as well

indulge ourselves as well. An ancient legendary train of dark origins, the

Demon Train makes its mighty appearance almost as soon as the adventure begins,

trashing Link’s first train, which it totally outclasses, before allowing Cole

to make off with Zelda’s body. Man, I wish I had an interdimensionally

travelling train at my disposal. Or a car even, yeah that would be nice too.

It’s sort of creepy, by the way, because it has a face on the front of the

engine, which is how I figure it qualifies as a character.

The Demon Train serves as Cole’s (and, until his defection, Byrne’s) means of

transportation throughout Hyrule, though it’s really only seen again when it

appears to whisk the newly resurrected Malladus off to the Dark Realm. It then

appears in the first part of an epic four-part final battle, which is the real

reason I’m including it in the guide (so that I can detail the entire thing,

even if it is spread across way too many entries to be coherent if you haven’t

played the game.) This part, which come to think of it is somewhat reminiscent

of Jet Set Radio Future’s second-last boss, requires Link to jet down a set of

four parallel tracks at high speed in pursuit of the Demon Train, which is

firing upon him constantly. Link must fight back with his own projectiles,

changing speeds or tracks as necessary in order to maintain the optimum

position and avoid attacks. As his shots strike home, the train begins to break

down, first losing most of its weapons systems, then the same happening with

its cargo hold, and finally the whole thing just going straight to hell. A

pain, but fun, and a great set piece. It then sits patiently while Link, Zelda

and Cole scurry around on top of it.

=============================================================================

D i n, N a y r u a n d F a r o r e

Creation story lynchpins

Race: Goddesses, or Hylians

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Din, Nayru and Farore are, first and foremost, the legendary Three Goddesses

who figure into Hyrule’s creation story. They were briefly mentioned in the

instruction manual of A Link to the Past, but they weren’t even given names.

They were much expanded upon in several Ocarina of Time cutscenes and other

media, so I’ll summarise their contribution to the world here:

To begin with, the place Hyrule would occupy was a swirling mass of raw

nothingness until the Three Goddesses descended upon whatever this was and

sought to bring order and life to it.

Din – Goddess of Power. Created and shaped the land.

Nayru – Goddess of Wisdom. Created science, wizardry and the arts.

Farore – Goddess of Courage. Created living things.

On the spot where they flew back to their angelic perches, they left a physical

symbol of their action. This way, their creations might learn from them. It was

three golden triangles, called the Triforce. Sounding familiar? Not only did it

exist physically, each piece of it was imprinted on a particular person and his

or her infinite reincarnations throughout the years. But the Triforce has such

a complex history, it could have its OWN guide, so I won’t dig any deeper.

What’s interesting to me is that the Triforce of Power, the one Ganon has, is

often portrayed as the ‘best’ of the three. Meanwhile, Link’s, the Triforce of

Courage, tends to be positioned as subordinate to the other two. This could

have something to do with the order in which the Goddesses are mentioned –

Power, Wisdom, Courage. I don’t know. This is highly debatable, I just find it

to be an interesting interpretation.

The trio also appeared as Hylians in the Oracle saga. Din was the eponymous

Oracle of Seasons, masquerading as a dancer in a troupe of performers. She was

kidnapped by Onox and thrown into a crystal. Nayru was the Oracle of Ages, and

a talented musician, but Veran possessed her body. Farore played a much lesser

role as the Oracle of Secrets found on the first floor of either Maku Tree.

Several times, Link received a secret in one game that had to be brought to

Farore in the other game. Doing so gave him upgraded equipment.

The goddesses are once again unnamed in The Wind Waker, but I might as well

mention them here. When the seal on Ganondorf’s Golden Realm prison started to

weaken, the goddesses drowned Hyrule so that he would never escape. He still

somehow found a way out, however, so it was all for nought. The point is,

they’re the reason Hyrule is underwater and The Wind Waker takes place on the

ocean.

Their Hylian versions reappeared in The Minish Cap. They shared a room at the

inn until Link performed a two-for-one act of good citizenship: He found Ingo

two tenants, and he found houses for two of the ladies to live in. Only two,

though, and it was smartest to pick Din and Nayru (see? Farore once again gets

the shaft.) When Link talked to them in their new homes, they were so pleased

they each presented him with a special artefact that would temporarily up

either his attack power, his defensive abilities, or both (but that last one

entailed a much lower bonus.)

Din is represented by red, Nayru is represented by blue, and Farore is

represented by green.

=============================================================================

D o c B a n d a m

Apothecary

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Doc Bandam is pretty cool. Clad in a long red jacket and protective goggles

that adorn his shaved head, he owns and operates the dimly lit and awesome Chu

Jelly Juice Shop on Windfall Island, where he spends every waking moment mixing

Chu Jelly elixirs and inventing new ones. Initially, all he has on offer is Red

Potion, but if you unload enough of your own collected Chu Jelly on him, he’ll

figure out how to mix Green and Blue Potions as well. That makes him a sort of

mixologist, doesn’t it? You can also give him some Chu Jelly out of which he’ll

make you a free Potion, too, I guess because he just loves it so much. As we

learn from a piece of incidental gossip, Doc Bandam also makes the occasional

research trip to the Chuchu-infested Pawprint Isle to gather Chu Jelly, and

probably to observe its effects. Excellent! I love a character who can stand on

their own two feet, as it were, and travelling to other islands is a level of

werwithal not many characters have in this series.

=============================================================================

D o d o h

Just shut up

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

The most irritating new character by far, Dodoh is kind of a cross between a

jester and fat clown. Like a more heavily clothed and made-up Fyer, really. His

name is eminently fitting; that of the piece of rock he's taken over, less so.

He calls it Fun Fun Island, and much of your time there will be spent listening

to his horribly grating, yet oddly catchy voiced dialogue. 'Ieeeeesu!' indeed.

Before he opens for business, he spends half the game setting up, although the

place looks pretty complete right from the start so it's unclear what he has

left to do. Eventually, he loses one of his fashion accessories off the side of

the island, and even though the attraction is ready he's now too depressed to

work. He laments that he'll never be able to bring smiles to the faces of the

local children, in spite of the fact that no child owns a Loftwing and thus

none can access Fun Fun Island, and only the most disturbed among them would

actually try playing his insane game. However, we manage to find the item in

question (which you may have noticed earlier and wondered as to its purpose),

and we can finally play. The game, it turns out, consists of Dodoh launching us

really, really high into the air using a cannon, at which point it is our task

to skydive through consecutive rings while avoiding the intervening Dodoh

Balls. This determines our multiplier; which of the spaces on the spinning

island we ultimately land on determines the base. Every denomination from a

single green Rupee to a 50-Rupee jackpot is represented, as is a Rupoor, which

constitutes a loss of 10 Rupees on top of the cost of playing the game. Passing

through all ten rings without touching a Dodoh Ball and then landing on the

jackpot space gets us not only mass Rupees but also a Piece of Heart. Dodoh

owns a golden trumpet that he seems quite fond of gesturing with and blowing

into.

=============================================================================

D o k u t a a J i i

Astrophysicist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Though he presumably bears no relation to The House of the Dead's Agent G, Dr G

does resemble Rabu-ya. Brothers? If so, Dokutaa Jii seems significantly older,

so draw from that what you will. He gets quite a few mentions over the course

of the game, especially by the Chibi-Robos of Page 10's East Side. Everyone

seems to be in agreement that he is a scientist of high regard, who has been

responsible for an assortment of useful inventions. His biggest claim to fame,

and current project, is some kind of space platform currently in the earth's

orbit. More significantly for us, he also built Buriki, in an attempt to create

a robot capable of experiencing human emotions. We learn this from the

occasional recorded holographic messages Buriki displays whenever she

temporarily breaks down, in which he reports on her progress to whoever may be

around at the time. If you read between the lines, you can see that Dokutaa Jii

built her while aboard the space platform, then fired her pod down towards the

City in the hopes of carrying out his experiment. Well, it worked;

congratulations on perfecting artificial intelligence, bro. Also, this is a

stretch, but he also seems somewhat analogous to the man behind the curtain.

=============================================================================

D o n G e r o

Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

I actually have my doubts that the Goron some sources claim is Don Gero

actually is that person, but why go against the flow. The more entries this

guide has, the more credibility it earns at a glance.

So we find ‘Don Gero’ in Snowhead shivering and stranded on a high ledge;

currently taking all bets as to how he got up there. As we know, fatigue and

hunger increase the effects of cold on the body, so our mission is to bring him

some tasty Rock Sirloin, which we get by lighting the braziers in Goron City,

playing the Goron’s Lullaby to the Elder’s son, and then rolling at high speed,

hopping off a jump and bashing through the chandelier, knocking out the

starving people’s only emergency food source. When we offer it to one of that

society’s least productive members, he rewards us with his green teddy

bear-like hat/mask thing.

Don Gero’s Mask allows us to confront five frogs who will then begin to

assemble at the foot of the ledge on which Don Gero has taken residence. This

is way more of a pain than its worth if you aren’t going for full hearts,

because the amphibians are scattered on completely opposite ends of Termina,

two of them deep in dungeons, and all you get for the trouble is a Heart Piece.

Since most people will end up missing one or two others anyway it’s probably

not worth it. I mean obviously I still did it...

‘Gero’ is Japanese for ‘ribbit,’ and a don was like some kind of mediaevel

aristocrat or something.

=============================================================================

D o v o s

Layabout

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Dovos's powerful-sounding name belies the extremely domestic reality. Flabby

and soul-patched, he's a passionate lover of food and a regular at the Bazaar

restaurant. In fact, he spends literally all of his time there. He does prove

marginally useful at one point, reporting that the unsettling sound of a woman

wailing can be heard from the Knight Academy washroom when the sun goes down,

and, later, that it has stopped.

=============================================================================

D r B e a n

Crawled in a bottle and never came out

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

This diminutive mad scientist is so obsessed with the subject of his research,

which he terms 'Empty Jars,' that he's actually made his home inside of one.

This is where Tingle encounters him, dug into the ground in the southwest

corner of Steamy Marsh, where he carries on his life's ambition. How one

'researches' bottles I'm not entirely sure, but he claims not only to have done

so for many years, but to have created 23 prototypes and distributed them

across the world. However, in doing so he made a mistake, accidentally

attaching some stickers to some of them, and now he wants them back. I guess he

collects them or something, or else he feels the bottles they're attached to

are thus flawed and need to be recalled. By complete coincidence, of course,

the last bottle that Tingle happens to acquire will have the final sticker

attached to it. The two-star sticker mainly nets you a few thousand Rupees, but

the three-star one will see Tingle rewarded with, on top of Dr Bean's

everlasting joy, the Crown Bottle Cap, a Rupee Good that no doubt came from the

bottle he lives in.

=============================================================================

E a g u s

Rui's grandfather and enemy of the evil Cipher Corporation

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Graduation from the Knight Academy requires not only theoretical knowledge but

also martial skill. This is where the teachings of Eagus, the local

swordmaster, enter the ring. Playing Professor Sprout to the Sparring Hall's

greenhouse, he instructs the institution's students in the basic techniques of

swordfighting, from simple horizontal and vertical slashes right on up to the

impressive Jump Attack and Spin Attack (stupid Stamina Gauge...). He'll remind

Link of these moves, then chastise him for trying to take a practise sword out

of the doujo; Link, however, explains why he needs it, and Eagus relents,

saying he can take it just this once. It later turns out that Eagus is a

connoisseur of piping-hot Pumpkin Soup. Link's first task on the road to paying

off the debt he incurs to Pumm after destroying his chandelier is to send a

delivery his way within five minutes (it takes about two), that is, before it

cools. Aonuma personally wrote all of Eagus's Japanese dialogue, as the

character's occupation and personality reminded him of his swordmaster

grandfather.

=============================================================================

E d e r u w a i s u

Hound dog

Race: *grimace* Dog

Appearances: Iroduzki Chinkuru no Baruun Torippu

A red bulldog who lives at the Aomono Village flower shop, Edelweiss may be the

property of the owner. That seems likely. Appropriately, an edelweiss is a type

of flower. The dumb animal is also extraordinarily bad-tempered lately, because

the green otentou hasn't been able to take it (yes, it) for a walk since she's

running the shop alone. Tingle helps out by doing it for her; since five's a

crowd, his companions stay behind. Edelweiss is the key to getting the

fisherman's false teeth back, as it will tussle with Masaru the monkey until he

spits them out and runs. The flower shop and the rental field where Masaru is

hanging out are right next to one another, but if you take the time to cover a

little more ground Edelweiss's wanderlust will be sated and you'll receive a

decent Rupee reward.

=============================================================================

E e n i e a n d M e e n i e

Vegetable farmers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

With quite possibly the two worst names in the entire Zelda franchise, Eenie

and Meenie are some of those characters who would have been better off not

having been named, and not just because it would mean I wouldn’t have to think

up things to say about them. They own a nice vegetable farm in the Eastern

Hills, hence their profession, and have a close business relationship with

Brocco, who buys, processes and then sells all of their finest produce. I’m not

sure how this works since Brocco can’t be found anywhere in Hyrule after the

Picori Festival ends, but there you have it. Like 95% of the otherwise useless

characters in this game, Eenie is willing to fuse Kinstones with you.

=============================================================================

E m e r a

Love at fifth sight

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Despite having been sheltered her entire young life, Princess Emera is

surprisingly down-to-earth and worldly. When she was a small child she met the

farmer Jiichan and his wife Baachan, and dreamed of living a peaceful life like

them. Instead, she was constantly hounded by Prince Segaare of a neighbouring

kingdom, who to this day believes them to be perfect for each other. As a

result, she grew up to be tempered and introspective, but somewhat melancholy

as well.

Shortly after Tingle's arrival in Emerald City, Emera's stalker Shigumasento

goads him into checking her out on her balcony via the telescope he has set up

at a nearby inn. No sooner has he peeked, however, than he witnesses her take a

swig of some mysterious liquid and immediately fall over, to his sincere alarm.

The next day, it transpires that she has fallen ill and that her dance party

may be cancelled, meaning that the party will not be able to meet the king, and

hence will not be able to have their wishes granted. Fortunately, they are soon

introduced to a disguised Majiyo, who provides them with a recipe for medicine

that will bring the Princess around. In reality, the whole thing was a setup

designed to buy her time to prepare for Tingle's arrival, but his

time-travelling abilities effectively allow him to gather the necessary

ingredients 'instantly.' Tingle is led to Princess Emera's chamber and heals

her, but, like the other four main love interests, she immediately recoils in

horror upon seeing him. At the insistence of her father, she grudgingly lets

slip a few words of thanks, then spends much of Page 11's post-script being

wooed by Tingle and thinking of ways to avoid him, such as sending him to the

inn to collect a dish that they don't even make there. Since she has five

hearts (compared to most girls' one and the other love interests' three), this

ends up requiring a number of trips back and forth between pages, until

finally, after her fourth heart is filled, she leads Tingle and the group

outside to talk about Segaare and the legendary four magicians who long ago

defeated...Baron maybe. Travelling back one more time and filling her final

heart, Tingle is invited into her room. On the advice of a nearby bird, Raion

and the others leave, and she confesses the gigantic crush she's had on Tingle

ever since he started foisting thousands upon thousands of Rupees' worth of

useless trinkets on her.

At the dance party, Buruu-fujin advises Tingle that he will need to have an

impressive dance with at least four other girls in order to secure Emera's

attention, which he manages to do. She then addresses the crowd, calls Tingle

up to the stage and announces that she's thinking of marrying him! At that

moment, however, the seemingly vanquished Buriki arrives in Morph Ball form, to

the tune of Samus Appears. She calls a halt to the proceedings, advising Tingle

that the girl is really Majiyo in disguise. Raion and Kakashi follow up to

confirm her assertions, followed by the genuine article herself. Majiyo moves

to capture Tingle but his companions interpose themselves between him and her;

she merely chuckles and, in a flash, seizes Emera, then drags her through a

portal and into a closed space. Tingle's companions warn him that it would be

dangerous to pursue, but he does anyway, and arrives to find Emera bound and

Majiyo transforming into a giant monster. After they defeat her with the power

of an upgraded Pachinko, Raion frees the Princess and the group takes off.

Emera and her father deal with Segaare and Majiyo, and the trio of Kakashi,

Buriki and Raion ask to have their wishes granted. The king explains that there

is no truth to the rumour that he is capable of granting wishes, but points out

that through the course of their journey they have all acquired what they had

sought anyway.

In the game's final sequence, Tingle is about to return to his own world, but

Emera complains that she never got a chance to dance with him as she had

wanted. Tingle then has to choose his final dance party from among the five

girls who have gathered with his friends to see him off, and although there's

no true indication either way the canon ending almost certainly involves him

choosing Emera. Actually it barely changes the story at all. Either way, Emera

is seen continuing to rule over the kingdom alongside her father, none of her

psychological issues resolved and with extra heartbreak now on top of them.

Unless she and Tingle really do get married? I don't know. The ending could

have been done a lot better.

=============================================================================

E n g i n e e r

The smart one

Race: Stalfos

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Never seen without his spectacles and a conspicuous book – because smart people

have those things on their person at all times – the Engineer is responsible

for all of the pirates' mechanical maintenance, technological R&D, and so

forth. Tingle first encounters him in the Pirates' Hideout, where he offers up

the Recipe for the Tingle Bomb, a versatile item that is also necessary for

Tingle's immediate progress. He shows up more later, but doesn't do much.

=============================================================================

E p o n a

Link’s trusty steed

Race: Purebred horse

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish

Twilight Princess

Link first met Epona as a child in Ocarina of Time, where he saw her at Lon Lon

Ranch. She would run away from him whenever he approached, afraid of him.

Malon, however, sung her a lullaby every night, which Link quickly learned to

play on the Ocarina. After he played Epona’s Song, the pony trusted him a

little more.

When he became an adult and learned that Ingo had taken over Lon Lon Ranch, he

found that he was horribly mistreating the animals. He had people pay to ride

the horses around their enclosure, which looked a little like an equestrian

course. Ingo recognized some natural horsemanship abilities in Link and had him

a race around the outside of the enclosure with 50 Rupees on the line. When

Link won, he had a second race with Epona’s ownership as the prize. (Winning

either of the races with one of the stock mares is impossible; Ingo’s ride is

just too fast.) He then tried to lock Link in, but Epona’s amazing jumping

abilities allowed her to clear the ranch walls with ease. Ingo realised at the

last moment that Link had been riding Epona, the best of the bunch. He was

quite jealous, because she threw HIM every time he climbed into the saddle.

After this, Link was able to summon her whenever he was on Hyrule Field by

playing Epona’s Song.

At the beginning of Majora’s Mask, Link is riding through Kokiri Forest looking

for Navi when Skull Kid ambushes him. He steals Epona and rides off into a

portal. Link finds she’s been taken to Romani Ranch, and he can’t rescue her

until almost halfway through the game. Skull Kid has blocked off Milk Road with

a rock, and the assigned worker takes two days to clear it; Link must blow it

up with a Powder Keg to clear it on the first day, from which point he can take

steps to liberate Epona. Oddly, he wasn’t able to ride her in child form in

Ocarina, but in Majora’s Mask this was the only form he could ride her in. Of

course, in the latter game she’s still a pony, which is kind of interesting.

Epona cameos briefly at the beginning of Oracle of Seasons, where Link is seen

riding her towards the not-yet-sunken Temple of Seasons. No, wait – come to

think of it, maybe it was Hyrule Castle...?

She appeared in Four Swords Adventures as well, where players could briefly

ride her by collecting a carrot item, extending their time by collecting

further carrots (which were usually arranged in a path for this purpose.) The

Links could trample each other and collect the Force Gems that the stomped ones

dropped. Epona was also the focus of Bucking Bronco, part of the Tingle’s Tower

collection of minigames. This was a flat-out race that raged on both screens.

Epona is basically a beast of burden in The Minish Cap. Her main purpose is to

haul shipments of Lon Lon Milk between the ranch and Hyrule Castle Town.

Her role was greatly expanded in Twilight Princess, though she was still

basically playing a bit part. She worked with Link at Ordon ranch, herding

goats, before being abducted by Bokoblins. Link later rescues her in Kakariko

Village. His childhood friend Ilia seems to be very fond of Epona, but the

noble beast still prefers her master. Late in the game, Ilia gives Link the

horse call; this allows him to summon Epona from just about anywhere, whereas

before he could only do this at specific places. In Twilight, Link’s mounted

combat options were greatly expanded; no longer limited to the bow, he could

attack with his sword and various dungeon items, plus ram into enemies and

trample them under Epona’s hooves.

When Link takes on his wolf form in Twilight, he can speak to animals. I didn’t

expect it to work, but it turns out Epona has this to say: ‘Even though you

change shape, I still understand you. Link...Hurry up and return to your true

self...’

On top of the obvious advantage of being a lot faster than walking, in all her

appearances except Twilight Princess, riding Epona grants Link invincibility.

She is named after Epona, the goddess of horses, donkeys and mules in Celtic

polytheism.

=============================================================================

E r r o r

HTTP 404: File Not Found

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

A blacksmith from Ruto Town who when first spoken to merely announces ‘I am

Error.’ A little later, another character references him, at which point his

dialogue changes to ‘South of the Palace is a tunnel.’ He has a great name.

=============================================================================

E x p l o r e r s

Toad Brigade sister unit

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

In spite of being on expedition to a place called Steamy frickin' Marsh, this

rather sizeable team shows up looking like Howard Carter. Everybody seems to be

researching something entirely different, as well, with many of them doing

nothing at all. One is studying the local giant bees, while another is

attempting to determine the source of the choking smog that blankets Steamy

Marsh; when it disperses following Tingle's destruction of the local geysers

that had until that point been spewing choking smog, he declares that they must

have been what he was looking for. Another guy seems to be friends with Dr

Bean, and yet another is looking into the unique variety of local flowers. A

couple have made camp and are eating. Still others have made for Gooey Swamp,

where they do nothing very important at all, and most of the remainder just

stand around. Their main mission, however, seems to revolve around capturing

three differently coloured butterflies, as the chief explorer (who, for those

keeping score, is flanked by two assistants) is extremely interested in

them...completely for his own purposes, it seems, as he just wants to look at

them. This does work out in our favour, however, as he rewards Tingle

handsomely for completing the collection. One guy, incidentally, has actually

found the blue butterfly, and goes as far as to point it out to him, but makes

no effort to catch it and walk the thirty steps over to his boss to collect the

reward.

=============================================================================

E z l o

Larger than life

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

The Minish are a race of inch-high people who live amongst the Hylia without

them ever knowing. There are several Minish settlements throughout Hyrule, but

they are by far most concentrated at Minish Village in the Minish Woods. Ezlo

was originally a great Minish wizard. One day, his apprentice, Vaati, lusting

for power, turned on him and transformed him into a hat.

In his normal form, he wears a blue robe, carries a staff and wears the red hat

typical of the Forest Minish. Transfigured, Ezlo is the spitting image of

Link’s famous green cap, except that instead of a point it has his head and

birdlike beak. Uh...right. In this state, Ezlo can barely crawl, and is easily

attacked by local Octoroks. Link rescues him and he affixes to Link’s head,

then directs him to Minish Village. Ezlo still retains some of his magical

ability in this form, enough to change size at will. Ezlo is the lynchpin on

which sits the focal gimmick of his game: Switching between the tiny Minish

size and the customary Hylian size.

Ezlo has two other functions, which are providing general advice and billowing

out to allow Link to glide on the wind. He kind of serves a similar purpose to

Tatl, in that he speaks at times you would expect Link to. His dialogue is the

best in the game, if that means anything.

At the end of the game, when he, Link and Zelda defeat Vaati, the Minish Door

closes. From his choice of words, it sounds like he is only able to go between

sizes when the Door is open. That would make sense, considering the Minish Door

being open is supposedly what allows the Hylians and Minish to briefly mingle.

Even if that’s not the case, it’s unlikely that we’ll be seeing Ezlo again, so

give him a round of applause as he bids us adieu.

=============================================================================

F a c a d e

Face of Evil

Race: Demon

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Although next to nothing is known about Facade, he’s kind of an intriguing

character due to his knowledge of the actual situation surrounding Koholint. As

far as I can remember he’s the only character on the entire island who has any

idea that everything around them is more (or rather, less) than it seems.

Facade guards the Coral Triangle, the holy prize of Level 6, Face Shrine. The

battle is a little different; it sees you dodging fireballs, slaying mites, and

running from a hole in the floor that tracks your every move. Viewed from a

real-life perspective, that last one is more than a little creepy. Anyway, the

secret to damaging him is to detonate a Bomb right on top of his smug mug, at

which point the pain will make him snap and he’ll go berserk for a bit, after

which point you’ll repeat the process. Upon his defeat he’ll utter these

chilling words:

‘Okay, listen up! If the Wind Fish wakes up, everything on this island will be

gone forever! And I do mean...EVERYTHING!’

The tableaus at the Dream Shrine and Southern Face Shrine said as much, but

Facade explicitly spells it out for you. Over the course of the game, we’ve

gone from ‘Off we go to wake the Wind Fish!’ to ‘You sure you really want to?

Maybe here isn’t so bad, you know?’ to ‘If you do, you’re going to kill

hundreds of innocent people.’ Facade’s death provided just enough of an answer

to prompt a slew of further questions, and left you with lingering doubts

tugging at the back of your mind even as you forged ever onward on your

journey. Anybody who feels nostalgia for the days when a game didn’t need

million-dollar FMVs to garner emotional involvement has a point.

However, using his immense powers of awesomeness Facade transcended not only

his own death, but also that of the entire plane of existence that had

originally given him life, reappearing in Oracle of Seasons against all odds,

probably because he was a unique fight and they figured they might as well make

use of some of the sprites and programming already at their disposal. I prefer

to take it as evidence of Facade’s badassery, though, even if he was demoted to

mini-boss. Oh, and although he doesn’t say anything very important or

interesting he still talks here, which I forgot to mention is an incredible

rarity among Zelda bosses or any Nintendo bosses, really, and which

singlehandedly makes Facade a medal-winner right from the start.

When I called him a demon I wasn’t BS’ing, even if I do it at other places in

the guide. This one I’m pretty sure I read somewhere, although that may be a

product of my imagination.

So yeah, if you were not born in a country where basic knowledge of French is

assumed, Facade just means face. Nowadays it has a connotation of falsehood,

and is also commonly used in architecture to describe the ‘front’ part of a

building. Flying balistrodes or something, I think I read that in The

Fountainhead.

Cedillas not mixing with GameFAQs's ASCII-only documentation makes this more of

a pain to write than it would otherwise be.

=============================================================================

F a d o

Androgynous sage

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

Twilight Princess

Damn, is Fado ever irritating.

Fado first appeared in Kokiri Forest. I remember seeing her as child Link. As I

recall, she was a girl with two bulbous blonde knobs of hair. Her fairy, I

believe, was blue. Actually, her very existence is fancruft: Only the most

dedicated fan of Ocarina of Time, who scoured every last resource delving far

deeper into the game than was necessary, would ever come across the evidence

stating her name. When spoken to, even later on in the game, she said something

inconsequential.

She was absent for some time, then reappeared in The Wind Waker. As a guy.

I don’t know who screwed this one up. My money is on Nintendo of America’s

localization department. But when I heard (?) Fado’s name in Waker, I was

delighted, until I found out that somebody had horribly mangled the character.

Not only is Fado a dude now, he’s also a ghost because Ganondorf somehow killed

him while still inside the Golden Realm. His apparel has changed as well,

obviously, as he’s donned pants and a short cap in place of boyshorts (O_o

she’s ten) and a bare head. This Fado is also the Sage of Winds, and Makar’s

ancient ancestor. I’m not sure how a creature originally associated with the

Forest became associated with the Winds, but it is notable that Link in The

Wind Waker is the Hero of Winds, and Link in Ocarina of Time grew up among the

Kokiri.

Hold on a moment - Brie Fusaro tells me that The Wind Waker Official Player’s

Guide, Fado is actually referred to as a guy in one instance, and as a girl in

another. Ugh.

Anyway, Fado is also associated with the Wind God’s Aria, the second half of

The Wind Waker’s theme, and after being awakened at the Wind Temple he helps

power up the Master Sword so that it is strong enough to defeat Ganondorf.

It gets weirder. All ambiguity is thrown to the winds as Twilight Princess’s

Fado is most definitely a guy. And a big, burly, goat-herding country bumpkin

of a guy at that. Supposedly, he helps Link run Ordon Ranch and takes over when

Link leaves on his quest to save Hyrule. Unfortunately, Fado is terrible at

farming and can’t even control his own livestock. They have a tendency to

ignore him when he tries to bring them in for the night and sometimes they

escape when he’s not looking, forcing Link to wrestle them to the ground before

they get away. All in all, not a whole lot of help, and an individual who makes

the whole Fado character even more hermaphroditic than before.

=============================================================================

F a n a d i

Best fortune-teller in this series

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess’s Hyrule Castle Town is one heck of a busy place; in fact,

it’s probably the most sprawling, populous, active conurbation in the entire

series. It’s also quite dense, not just with bodies but with points of interest

as well. One of those is Fanadi the fortune-teller, who, for a nominal fee of

10 Rupees, will give you insight on either your ‘career’ (your next quest

destination...questination) or ‘love’ life (undiscovered Pieces of Heart).

Unlike certain others, such as Astrid, she fails to suck at life, and her

predictions are much clearer than those of her compatriots. And in an

especially cool touch that really puts her over the top, rather than just

telling you with words, she shows you a sort of vision - a little panning shot

of the area you’re to head off to. She has a pretty atypical fashion sense,

too, as compared to what we’re used to seeing with Nintendo. Guess that sort of

goes along with TP’s aesthetic.

The first thing I notice with Fanadi’s name is that (at least with my [possibly

incorrect] pronunciation) is that it rhymes with vanity, which suits her sort

of not really, but others have pointed out that the syllables are derived from

FArore, NAyru, and DIn, possibly revealing a connection to them or to the

Spirits of Ordona, Lanayru, Faron, and Eldin. Perhaps that’s where she draws

her foresight from?

=============================================================================

F e r r u s

Densha Otoko

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Ferrus is to trains what Winry Rockbell is to automail, which is to say he’s

about as passionate an enthusiast as one could find. He lives in a trailer at

Wellspring Station, but he’s almost never there, constantly riding the rails in

search of trains to photograph on a seemingly perpetual day off. Link

encounters Ferrus quite a number of times, and he is only too happy to help him

out with information, maps and anything else he can provide. Later on, he even

gets to ride in the Spirit Train as a passenger, which pretty much makes his

lifetime. This is also where his tendency to use txt msg shorthand and other

‘nerdy’ phrases really shows itself, as he yells ‘Woot!’ (not even ‘w00t’...)

whenever Link does something correctly. At other times, he usually confines

himself to ‘OMG,’ though sometimes in a very large font size. These

Ferrus-carrying missions entail receiving a letter from him with an extremely

nondescript photo attached; by examining it, Link is to determine where Ferrus

is hanging out these days and head there to pick him up. He’ll then toss out a

destination and we’re off to the races.

The first one is a quick jaunt to Aboda Village so that Ferrus can meet

Alfonzo, whom he idolizes deeply as a Master Engineer. Alfonzo was once known

as a legendary swordsman, but Ferrus insists his reputation was actually for

being a legendary train conductor. He’s obsessed; love it. In another one, he

wants to go see the Ocean Temple for himself, which was certainly

anger-inducing, because getting there requires you to drive around underwater

for like an hour, and if you do everything in the game you’ll have to do it

about seven times, making it all the more aggravating. But he’s a good kid, and

one of the most likeable (and identifiable ^^;) Zelda characters in recent

memory, so I forgive him.

=============================================================================

F i

Attractive travel companion

Race: Construct

Appearances: Skyward Sword

When the first portrait of Fi was released a year or so before the release of

Skyward Sword, everybody was fascinated. Here was one of the coolest and most

intriguing designs in the entire Nintendo oeuvre, all blue, caped, wearing sexy

leggings, strategically framed, and quite clearly bearing some kind of

relationship to the Master Sword. What was the connection? Was this the blade's

projected personality? Does this fine lady transform INTO it? The press release

did its job beautifully, generating a hell of a lot of anticipation for the

product. As it turns out, the answer is that Fi is bound within the Goddess

Sword – and has been waiting there a thousand years for the Goddess's chosen

hero, as she has been given the assignment of guiding him in his journey.

And never has the Big N squandered a design with so much potential on such a

boring character.

Fi (pronounced 'fye') is somewhat comparable to an AI construct in many science

fiction settings: Sentient, but unable to comprehend human emotions or

transcend the bounds of her 'programming,' as it were. Consequently, she ends

up very flat and dry. Although Link's almost complete lack of dialogue would

certainly make witty repartee an impossibility, she could at least inject a

little personality into her observations. Instead, she expresses almost

everything imaginable in terms of percentage probability, as in 'I project an

85% chance that something important lies beyond that door. I recommend that you

try to find a way through it.' Well, you know what, Fi? I project a 100% chance

that I'm going to punch you in the head if you don't shut up. Like really, what

the hell else did you think I was going to do about the giant embossed door

with a lock the size of my entire body, igfreakingnore it? Just dismiss it out

of hand, right? Strangely, these interjections also give the game a Metroid

Prime 3 vibe, as Samus's shipboard computer, which notably wasn't an AI, had

much the same delivery. Even worse, however, is her tendency to bring to your

attention incredibly obvious information with a persistence that borders on

physically unbearable. Half the time she comments on the importance of THE

THING YOU JUST DID. This is just about unforgivable. On the other hand, she

does significantly improve on past partners by not interrupting you if you

decide to pursue something unrelated to the main quest, and yet at the same

time is always available to provide analysis, plot summary, a report on your

overall and session playtime, and even banter if you want it.

Her presence is also a very effective story decision that, perhaps

paradoxically, makes the plot flow much more naturally than in other Zelda

games. In other titles, partway through the neverending train of near misses

and chance encounters, you can't help but feel like somebody's gone ahead and

stacked the deck for you; in Skyward Sword, you're explicitly TOLD that

somebody has, so it ends up feeling like all is just as it should be. You're

travelling to certain locations and doing things in a certain order not just

because the game requires it, but because the Goddess herself wants you to, and

that's a lot easier to swallow from a narrative standpoint. She makes a

memorable debut, waking you in the middle of the night and then leading you

around a large chunk of Skyloft for no discernible reason before ushering you

into the Temple of the Goddess, where you receive the Goddess Sword and start

your adventure. With Fi's intrepid presence ever at your beckon call, you're

lead to the three corners of the earth in pursuit of Zelda and the three

magical stone slabs that open the gates to them.

Eventually, the time comes to enter the Thunderhead and uncover an ancillary

temple to the Goddess built specifically for Link, her chosen hero. Put

yourself in his shoes at this particular moment and you'll find that it's a

weird feeling – that such a large structure was built hundreds of years ago for

you specifically, and you're intended to make use of it however you need to. On

top of little details like Fi always addressing you as 'Master' and obeying

your every command, it really gets across the feeling that this whole thing is

a little bigger than just you. Though an important one, you are only one player

in a drama that's unfolding on a more significant scale. Anyway, the leggy

songstress shows off her voice in possibly the creepiest musical sequence I've

ever watched, in the process teaching Link a new tune for his Goddess Harp.

They spend the next long section of quest gathering the flames of each of the

Three Goddeses, so that Link can 'enhance' his 'Skyward Sword.' The only time

she does not accompany him is when Link must enter the Silent Realms, and even

then she encourages him to keep trying again and again when he fails. And with

the end in sight, Fi urges Link forward.

Right at the end, she has two unprecedented moments of emotion. The first comes

right before Link follows Demise into the pocket reality that plays host to

their duel (the latter intending for it to also serve as the former's grave),

where she promises him that even on the other side she'll be with him. The last

is when all is finally done and the time has come to seal the Master Sword into

the Temple of the Goddess. Her purpose complete, she yields to her programming

and self-terminates, vowing to sleep inside the Master Sword for all eternity.

And since she never does reappear at any later point in the timeline, it would

seem that she does. It's a pretty sad ending for a girl who's been with us

almost since the beginning. Link tries to persuade her to resist her fate, but

her mind's made up. Before she fades completely, however, she confides that in

a strange way, she's enjoyed their adventures together, and offers Link her

undying gratitude in the most poignantly worded way possible. Then she's gone.

Also, those legs. For real.

=============================================================================

F i r s t M a t e

Loyal to the death

Race: Stalfos

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

The pirates' second-in-command, distinguished by his blue bandana to the

rank-and-file's purple, serves as a sort of lieutenant to Captain Stalfos, and

as such the majority of the ship's day-to-day functions fall to him. He is

particularly harried when the good captain goes insane, forcing him to take

command in the meantime. He is the main pirate with whom we deal on our

adventure, and we encounter him several times throughout its course. His main

function is to explain things, command the crew, give us instructions, and help

Mr Akindo conduct business. He's also a pretty cool customer most of the time,

somehow managing to keep the operation from falling apart in spite of the

monumental incompetence of everyone around him.

=============================================================================

F l e d g e

#1 fan

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

One of Link's kouhai at the Knight Academy, Fledge is a talentless but

exceptionally hardworking young man who tirelessly endeavours towards one day

becoming a Knight of Skyloft. He's sort of like Naruto in that way, and yes I

just referenced Naruto yet again deal with it kthx. Pushed around by Groose and

his boys, harried by Henya, and with a long road ahead of him, he strides

forward with nothing but sheer guts and the support or the few people who

believe he can succeed. Eventually he comes to the decision that doing a whole

bunch of push-ups each night will not only drastically increase his upper body

strength but also magically make him better at everything else as well, which

he somehow turns out to be right about. At first he doesn't see much progress,

unable to get the 1000 reps per night he feels he needs, but thanks to Link's

advice that it's 'not about numbers' he finds the strength to push through and

eventually gains the power to hurl pumpkins with great force. This not only

nets Link five Gratitude Crystals but also opens up Pumpkin Pull, wherein Link

must use his Bow to shoot flying pumpkins out of the air (gaining a points

bonus for consecutive hits), the ultimate reward for which is a Piece of Heart

and hundreds of pounds of wasted food.

=============================================================================

F l o r e n c e

Sensei

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Out of the five main girls in Irdozuki Chinkuru, Florence is definitely my

favourite. Azusa and Raia are out for obvious reasons, and Emera is shallow and

annoying. Iona is ok, but a little unmotivated and unsure of herself, and while

Florence has weaker versions of the same problem, her extreme cuteness and

sweet heart won me over. I still picked Emera at the end because I assume it's

the canon story, but that's beside the point. Florence is a young doctor who

lives somewhere in the vicinity of Page 3, travelling around making house calls

with her briefcase of medical paraphernalia. She drops this item when Tingle

first approaches her, and when he returns it, his entire body brimming with

infatuation, she screams and leaves. After gaining the power of time travel,

however, he can come back and find her once more in front of the house, trying

to treat Piitaa, who is avoiding her. She freaks again and tries to flee up the

water tower, but reevaluates Tingle's scariness when he Love Pushes her. They

talk for a while, and she moans about not being able to do what she wants

before running away in tears. A return trip and subsequent Love Push will cause

her to open up even more, as she wonders if she's only wasting her time out

here. Tingle encourages her to travel to the City, and she has a sudden

epiphany like, yes, let's not sit around talking about it any more, let's DO

it, and she heads off immediately. She then stops off at the port of Page 10,

staring morosely out at the ocean. One final Love Push will fill her last

heart, and as a crowd of onlookers eavesdrop, she promises to look for him at

the dance party. She is the final dance partner Tingle must steal from

Nimidanshaku, but there's probably no significance to that. Given her own

feelings, she is surprisingly supportive of Tingle's and Emera's relationship.

=============================================================================

F l u t e B o y

Talent show favourite

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A Kakariko Village native, the fanon-flaunting Flute Boy had gained a sturdy

reputation even in his youth, fascinating onlookers with the apparent ability

to communicate with animals using a small blue flute. He even had a pet bird

that flew with him everywhere. In time, however, he heard the rumours of the

Golden Power and set off to get his commoner’s hands on it. His motivations

aren’t exactly clear, but since nobody in Kakariko is mad at him or anything,

he must have either been merely misguided or had some community-oriented

altruistic purpose in mind; I like to believe he was questing for his

terminally ill girlfriend. He set off for Death Mountain, made his way into

what was once the Golden Land, and promptly found himself in dangerous

territory and unable to travel back. As happens to everyone who wanders in

without satisfying certain conditions (either consummate knowledge, a balance

of all three Triforce influences, or possession or use of a Moon Pearl), his

body also took on the form of his true heart, in his case a robed goblin-like

creature. Under constant attack from Ganon’s minions and other malcontents that

had sprung up in the no-longer-sacred realm, he managed to take refuge in the

Haunted Grove.

When Link stumbles upon him in the midst of his Hyrulean explorations, it is in

the form of what have to be more or less taken as psychic emanations; Flute

Boy, jubilantly dancing atop a stump, seems to be holding regular concerts for

his fuzzy compatriots, using the Flute to broadcast a pirate signal across

worlds. This is an ability Link certainly never displays (though it’s possible

he chooses not to or we just don’t witness the effects, but we can’t be sure),

suggesting Flute Boy has a much greater mastery over the item than Link ever

attains, which is logical enough considering it belongs to him. Flute Boy’s

tunic and hat are nicely representative of what we would imagine as Hyrulean

youth fashion, although his hairstyle is a little ‘can I see your other eye.’

Everybody seems to be having a grand time, but as soon as Link draws near,

everybody freaks out, the animals skitter off, and Flute Boy himself

mysteriously fades into nothingness.

Correctly guessing that, as seems to have become a pattern in his life lately,

the answer to this phenomenon lies in the Dark World, Link moves to investigate

and does indeed find Flute Boy standing on precisely the same spot in the

parallel dimension. Flute Boy has become quite depressed by his condition, and

asks if Link can help him fulfill his one and only wish: To be reunited with

his beloved instrument, which is actually still somewhere in the Light World

(which might, come to think of it, explain why he was able to transcend

boundaries and why he ended up in Haunted Grove in particular.) After agreeing

to help him, Link gets the Shovel, which right there is a pretty sweet deal.

After warping to the Light World grove, destroying the idyllic field, and

recovering the Flute, Link eagerly heads back through his portal only to find

that what was a stump in the Light World is a creepy sapling in the Dark World.

Also, it’s Flute Boy. Somehow his transformation went several steps further

while our backs were turned. Grateful, Flute Boy asks for one more refrain, and

then, if I remember this correctly, stiffens into a braindead shell.

His last request was for Link to return the Flute to his father in Kakariko,

but the old-timer promptly pays it forward to Flute Boy’s old pigeon, who got

real sad when he could not follow his master into the unknown, and as a result

landed on his hometown weathervane and turned to stone. Hearing the call to

attention, the fowl breaks free of its self-sentenced imprisonment and promptly

becomes quite upset with Link for making him think that Flute Boy had returned,

but, as a number of unsettlingly intelligent animals do in this series,

realises that he can do something to help in the fight against evil. Link not

only retains the Flute and comes into an easy way to obliterate Pols Voices,

but immediately gains the ability to summon the bird at any time to fly him to

any of eight locations across the map, including an area he couldn’t access

before. (So you can see that first we get the Whistle, now the Flute - called

the Ocarina in the original Japanese - and later on, the Ocarina and then a

slew of others; it’s kind of an interesting progression.)

Happily, as a result of Link’s wish to the Triforce to undo all the damage

caused by Ganon’s ambition, Flute Boy is seen in the credits reunited with his

father, and all is well.

=============================================================================

F o u r S i s t e r s a n d t h e i r O t e n t o u

Legendary magicians

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Iroduzki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

In the distant past, perhaps hundreds of years ago, these four magical girls

became renowned as saviours for vanquishing some dangerous beast. Perhaps it

was Baron. More recently, they have mostly gone their separate ways, though the

three eldest occasionally meet for special occasions. The three oldest are all

large, buxom and fond of flowing dresses, and attended by a different number of

cap-wearing ladybug-like creatures of varying colours. The youngest, Majiyo, is

the black sheep of the family, and has become evil.

Buruu-fujin – The eldest sister and seemingly the most skilled magician. We

don't encounter her until Page 14, right before the dance party, at which point

she must be Love Pushed so that she will have the bartender make us a...glass

of juice, as it turns out. And it's blue. And it's necessary because you're not

allowed onto the dance floor without a drink in your hand, since the King's

about to call for a toast, which is kind of a bad idea since people tend to

throw their empty glasses onto the floor at dance parties. Everyone else has a

stone cup, but Tingle and Buruu-fujin get glass glasses. Right before Tingle

follows Majiyo and his own companions through the portal, she upgrades

Pachinko, so that it is now in the form of a muscly and sculpted Tingle, with

the sling itself suspended between his outstretched hands. It is now also more

powerful, although we only ever fight one enemy with it so we have no basis for

comparison. After the battle, she scolds Majiyo and imprisons her in a cage,

which is apparently made of cardboard because she escapes immediately

afterward. Buruu-fujin has distinct glasses, similar to those of Majiyo but

blue, and is attended by a single bespectacled blue otentou.

Hana-ya no obasan – The second-eldest sister owns the flower shop in Aomono

Village. Her continual absenteeism is a great source of weariness for the green

otentou who is made to run the place while she's away. She ends up asking

Tingle to take the shop's dog, Edelweiss, for a walk, since she can't do it

herself, and will pay him a modest fee for his services. When she somehow

realises that Tingle is the man her boss has been keeping an eye out for, she

immediately calls her up, and within seconds she's arrived. And then she gives

him a magical balloon that can travel through time. (Is this how Tingle is able

to appear in multiple eras within the Zelda series? Although I guess a lot of

other characters do it without any explanation.) Oh, and she has a balloon of

her own, but whereas Tingle's signature red device expands out of his backpack,

hers is seemingly just a child's toy. At the end of the game, she gathers the

otentou to bid Tingle farewell. The orange otentou travels with her.

Uranai obasan – The second-youngest sister, she looks like a fat Princess

Peach. She lives in a tiny house in a glade, though it's bigger on the inside

than it is on the outside. Using her arcane television set, she explains

various concepts to Tingle, such as the details of travelling between pages

using his new balloon. On that note, she's the first person he encounters on

his first trip back in time, as he gets the item on Page 7 and uranai obasan

resides on Page 3. She is delegated the remaining otentou: Red, green, blue,

yellow and purple. (Yes, there are two blue ones...I think.) The red otentou

gets into a fight with his younger brother, the purple one, causing the latter

to flee in tears. But it was really just a stupid argument, and now the red

otentou is extremely worried, and asks for any information Tingle might have as

to purple's whereabouts. As it turns out, after clearing Page 7 purple can be

found at Aomono Village Station, where he asks for a number of ingredients to

make the Arumagedonburi (that's a portmanteau of Armageddon + donburi, lol.

Also, this is a Secret.) He then continues his journey, and they happen to meet

up again on Page 12, where he has completed his masterpiece and wants to share

it with the world, but due to the fact that he walks around in a purple cowl

all the time everyone is suspicious of him. Tingle, however, brings the dish to

Nimidanshaku, who waffles for a bit before deciding that he will deign to try

it. He is amazed, and demands to see the chef, whom he then gives a job. It's

all a little strange. Purple leaves behind the sack containing his possessions,

which can be brought back to Page 3, reassuring red and unlocking a Secret.

Which is interesting, since the reassurance chronologically occurs before the

items were collected at all.

Majiyo – The youngest sister and most definitely its outcast. Segaare calls her

on his cellular telephone at the end of Page 9 (at which point she instructs

him to derail the liner), but she first appears physically in Page 12's opening

scenes as she observes Tingle's entrance from afar. Her most notable feature is

her pointed red glasses, and the fact that she bears no resemblance whatsoever

to her sisters. She longs to return to the days when she was young and popular

with the boys, and engineers an overly complicated plan whose principal

ingredient is a man who has been unpopular with the ladies his entire life but

becomes quite popular in a very short time. As such, much of the game's events,

even those that bring the party closer to the City, is a result of her stacking

the deck, which is probably a lot more than you gave her credit for isn't it?

Using her son Segaare as her field agent, she succeeds in choosing Tingle as

the subject, having him become popular, and guiding him to Emerald City. The

timing is still slightly off, however, so to delay things slightly she poisons

Princess Emera. In the guise of Mrs M, she compels Tingle to concoct a medicine

to heal her. Thanks to his time-travelling powers, however, he accomplishes the

task instantly, but she pretty much says, whatever good enough, and brings him

to her. Tingle successfully heals and then Love Pushes her, much to Majiyo's

delight. As it turns out, however, her plan worked too well, and now Tingle has

grown so strong that she is unable to capture and use him. She substitutes in

Emera's stalker, Shigumasento, acknowledging that the effect will not be nearly

as great but claiming that it will still suffice. As Tingle is filled with the

power of the affection he has garnered from his girls, she transforms into a

hundred-foot tall woman in a long black dress, and proceeds to assault him with

images of her own face, gigantic worms with her face on the front, and dozens

of man-sized wrestler types that have her face. Her weak point is her face.

Eventually she is seemingly defeated, reduced to only her face, surrounded by

six hands that rotate around, intermittently blocking the weak point on her

forehead. When she reappears and it shows her new name, for some reason the

final character is written in hangeul. Don't know what that's about. In this

form she attacks by forming images of herself, principally her face, which

attack if left alone for too long, but also of the Princess, which injure

Tingle if he hits them on accident. Eventually she falls and everyone

admonishes her, imprisoning her in a cage for her impudence. Segaare has been

captured as well and is thrown in with her. The two are left to their own

devices, which ends up being a mistake, as they soon escape. The credits show

them being pursued by the gang of squirrels that live in the forest of Page 4,

however, so it seems unlikely they'll be causing anymore trouble.

=============================================================================

F r e e d l e

Hippy

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Oh wow. This guy, I mean, he’s a little bit scary, and I think I’d O_o a bit if

I saw him on the street, but he’s a pretty cool cat all in all. He’s got some

sweet round shades that are indeed straight out of the 70’s, a totally awesome

hibiscus-laden hat, a striped turtleneck, a dorky haircut, and a massive

tubular canister affixed to his back, all decked out in psychadelic colours of

the gnarliest order. Just like an environmental activist from an overhyped

television show, he carries his acoustic guitar with him everywhere. Or maybe

it’s a banjo, but whatever the case he spends all his time strumming it in a

secluded little spot on northeast Mercay Island. If you speak to him and can

sift through his radical verbiage, he’ll help you enter Tag Mode to trade Ship

Parts and other treasures over Nintendo WFC. Some people have speculated that

he is related to Beedle, but aside from his similar name and nose there’s

nothing whatsoever to suggest that he is, and Nintendo is usually good about

making obvious allusions when this stuff happens so that those of who pay close

attention can work it out :) So nah, I’m saying no relation, he’s just another

soul trying to make it in this crazy, mixed-up world we call capitalist society.

=============================================================================

F u z o

Floorsweeper

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Master Eddo’s apprentice, Fuzo is presumably learning the art of the mechanic

and how to manufacture, fine-tune and repair all manner of delicate yet

powerful contraptions. When we meet him, though, he doesn’t seem to be doing

any of those things. Instead, he’s watching the shop while Eddo sits in the

back room hard at work on his latest project. Although he never does much of

anything useful, he does open up a side-door so that Link can access pretty

much the entirety of Cannon Island, eventually coming up to Master Eddo’s door

so that he can place an order. Now listen, I’ve held back up to now, but

Phantom Hourglass’s islands have some pretty lame names. CANNON Island? And

they make cannon there? That’s a bit much of a coincidence. And the Isle of

Ember? Sounds like something I’d make up when I was 8 and obsessed with

Charmander’s Ember attack. ‘Hey guys, what do we call this snowy island? Snow

Island?’ ‘No way man, call it the Isle of FROST! It backwards AND uses

awesomely awesome word!’ ‘D00d no wai u too original bro! :D’

=============================================================================

F y e r a n d F a l b i

Entrepreneurs

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Fyer and Falbi’s Watertop Land of Fantastication is a very sly business venture

located at Lake Hylia. Both men are quite jolly, and Fyer appears to have a

wen. Both dress like carnies, or maybe clowns, which is sort of the point.

Fyer, a cannon enthusiast, fires Link out of his giant cannon for a mere 10

Rupees, which rockets him up to Falbi’s high position near the Great Hylia

Bridge. From here, the participant can then pay Falbi 20 Rupees to grab a Cucco

and float slowly down to the water, hopefully to the Isle of Riches, a man-made

island on which they have placed a number of Rupee-filled treasure chests. Only

one chest gets refilled on future attempts; the rest are oneshots. From this

platform, one can return to Fyer’s portion of the game by a log bridge from the

Isle to his shack. If you do well, you can earn 70 Rupees each run. Quite an

original mini-game, if you ask me.

Fyer twice helps advance your quest. Auru, one of Telma’s boys, once saved his

life, and Auru calls him on that debt. Fyer agrees to help Link enter the

Desert Province, which in Twilight era is adjacent to the Lake, again by firing

him out of the cannon. Later on, Link finds an even bigger cannon that can fire

him up to the City in the Sky, which Fyer repairs at a cost of 300 Rupees.

This is a stretch, but Fyer may be a play on ‘fly’ (or ‘flyer,’ as in, one who

flies, not an annoying ad you get in the mail) and Falbi may be a play on

‘fall.’

=============================================================================

G a b o r a a n d Z u b o r a

Awesome dudes

Race: Hylian and...um.

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Gabora and Zubora run the Mountain Smithy in Snowhead, which is a strange name

for a place, considering it was in perpetual spring before Skull Kid and Goht

made it snowy. Unless Termina and Hyrule and such all have full seasonal

systems and we just don’t see them, which would make sense come to think of it.

Plus we actually see this in action in Holodrum. So ANYWAY, they work in a hut

near Goron City, which mainly consists of a front desk, a table, and a forge.

The pair are members of a fairly elite and utterly essential club in the Zelda

universe, being makers of swords.

Zubora, who seems to manage the business while Gabora does the labour, would be

a true blue-collar type of guy if he had a collar, which he doesn’t. He does,

however, have blue overalls, which prominently display his nipples, as well as

a white sort of cap thing that rounds the top of his head in a nice contrast to

his Hylian ears and impressive goatee. He also seems to drink a lot of what

would ostensibly be coffee, except that it’s a sort of bluish-yellow, and has

really sallow skin as well as a small, pointed moustache.

Gabora is slightly more interesting, looking like Frankenstein’s monster if he

were into S&M. Twice the height of a normal man, he makes good use of his

monstrous strength to swing a suitably huge hammer, the one that will shape

your blade. You can feel confident entrusting it to him; it’s in good hands.

The process of upgrading your sword in Majora’s Mask is a touch complex, but

only because the steps you go through all have to be done within a single

three-day period. First, you have to give up your Kokiri Sword for

‘sharpening,’ which, after you leave it overnight, turns it into the Razor

Sword, which is considerably more powerful and appears in much of the game’s

official artwork, but lasts for only 100 uses before dulling back to the Kokiri

Sword. We’re measuring things by number of uses now? What is this, Fire Emblem?

Anyway, you can either just wait or, if you feel confident enough to take a

two-minute walk while braving the horrors that are White Wolfos, you can head

straight for the Goron Racetrack, where you must assume Goron form, talk to the

Elder’s son (I guess this means you have to play the lullaby for him first,

too) and then win the race. So we have Beaver Brothers, the Deku Butler and the

Goron Racetrack - did anybody else ever notice this game’s fascination with

racing? This is the most fun one, since bombing a hill while covered in spikes

and destroying everything in your path is rather cathartic, although it is

irksome that the other competitors can knock you around so easily when you’re

in the body of supposedly the strongest Goron warrior who ever lived. When you

win the race you get some Gold Dust in a Bottle, a sweet prize indeed; take the

powdery stuff back to the Mountain Smithy, receive your Razor Sword, and then

pass it back along with the Gold Dust. Zubora will be pretty startled by this

turn of events but quite pleasantly surprised because you’ll be investing more

money in them. After one more night, Gabora will have transformed your weapon

into the Golden Sword, something we haven’t seen since A Link to the Past, the

second-most powerful sword in the game (the most powerful being that of the

Fierce Deity’s Mask). This one is permanent, too, with unlimited uses (Prf),

and will even stay when you begin the three-day cycle anew.

=============================================================================

G a e p o r a

Knight Academy Headmaster

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Zelda's father and general Skyloft boss, Gaepora is an energetic old guy with a

pretty cool design. Very red, very bearded. He's also extremely understanding,

forgiving Link his inability to share the details of his progress, only caring

that his beloved daughter eventually winds up safe, and providing him with the

time and resources he needs to work. Although he recognizes that his day has

basically passed, he still helps where he can, occasionally providing direction

or advice and always willing to share from his vast knowledge of Skyloft lore.

This helps Link to advance his quest in several instances, not only

precipitating his initial venture to the surface but also, for example,

indirectly helping him to enter the Thunderhead. This shows pretty clearly that

while he doesn't do much for the plot, he is a strong leader. He takes

extremely long baths, which you can witness if you Clawshot into the chimney at

nighttime, and has a small pet named Mia, one of those vaguely catlike animals

that are your best friends during the day and then ****ing attack you when they

see you at night. Seriously, why do Skylofters keep those animals, seriously

why. Naturally, you will notice that his name bears a striking resemblance to

that of Kaepora Gaebora, but this is never elaborated upon; Aonuma stated in an

interview that this was merely due to some shared visual traits and both having

a role as a guide.

=============================================================================

G a n o n

The physical manifestation of evil

Race: Gerudo

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

The Adventure of Link

A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

Twilight Princess

Hoo boy. Ganon(dorf) is one awesome villain. The fiend has risen again and

again to attempt to conquer Hyrule, whose inherent magical qualities are so

strong he would effectively rule all existence if he were to succeed.

Fortunately, it is his destiny to be perpetually thwarted. Ganon is the one

character whom we KNOW is the same guy again and again, even when he shows up

in games that take place hundreds of years apart. His longevity, apparently, is

part of the effects of the Triforce of Power.

This is also the cause of his appearance later in life; Triforce lore dictates

that if one possesses the Triforce of Power without the Triforce of Wisdom, one

will begin to morph and take on a pig-like form. Nintendo seems to

differentiate between these two by referring to him in ‘human’ form as

Ganondorf, and ‘giant pig’ form as Ganon. I list him as Ganon because he makes

way more appearances in giant pig form than human one. He’s alternately been

called Mandrag Ganon (in A Link to the Past’s manual; it supposedly means Ganon

of the Enchanted Thieves) and Ganondorf Dragmire (in Ocarina of Time, which I

assume is an invention of Nintendo of America as a variant on Mandrag.)

He makes his debut in pig form, of course, and as a pretty lame final boss. He

had a sort of bluish hue, and would move invisibly around the boss chamber,

pausing periodically to become briefly visible and toss fireballs at Link.

After four hits from the Magical Sword, he turned brown, at which point a

single shot from the Bow and Silver Arrow would reduce him to a pile of dust.

On second thought, that was pretty sophisticated for 8-bit. I can imagine how

frustrating it was to program. Story-wise, he was trying to get that

all-important Triforce of Wisdom from Zelda, who broke it and hid the pieces.

Being that he was dead, during Zelda II his minions tried to resurrect him with

the blood of the one who vanquished him. If Link lost all his lives, a

victorious chuckle sounded and Ganon’s silhouette appeared on the Game Over

screen, because they had succeeded. That was the full extent of his

contributions. However, he made quite a resurgence for A Link to the Past,

wherein he brilliantly possessed Agahnim and used him as his pawn as he schemed

to escape the Dark World. Oddly, he didn’t actually himself appear in Ganon’s

Tower; instead, there was a second battle with Ganon assuming Agahnim form.

Defeated, Ganon transformed into a bat, crashed through the roof of the Pyramid

of Power, and showed his true form, which was basically an enhanced version of

his original appearance. He added a few new attacks to his repertoire this time

around, including collapsing parts of the floor, sending off volleys of Fire

Keese and, notably, throwing around a trident. That trident also appeared when

the Nightmares mimicked Ganon at the end of Link’s Awakening.

In the prequel adventure Ocarina of Time, he is actually seen several times.

Link glimpses him in his dream from the opening cinema, from the Hyrule Castle

courtyard when the Gerudo monarch sweet-talks Zelda’s daddy, when the dream

plays itself out and he conquers Hyrule Castle Town, and in the final battle.

Ganon devises another brilliant scheme, as he desires the four keys that will

unlock the Door of Time which leads to the Triforce. Gathering them by force

proves to be impossible, but he leads Link on and allows him to gather them for

him. When Link opens the Door, Ganondorf jumps in and lays hands on the

Triforce. The Triforce, being an inanimate object, does not know good from evil

and only grants his wish of taking over Hyrule. There is just enough resistance

to stop him there for the time being, and Link spends the rest of the game

gaining enough power to fight back. Most other games depict him as a

power-hungry villain, but this time he’s shown to be a genius scholar who

simply took it too far. Nice humanization.

Interestingly, his main attack in this incarnation was similar to Agahnim’s: He

threw magical orbs which had to be deflected to shock him, at which point he

could be stunned with Light Arrows and finally damaged with the Master Sword.

When this form was over, there was a brief escape sequence, after which he used

the Triforce of Power to transform into the monstrous Ganon. His tail was his

only weak point, but he could be stunned by shooting him in the head with Light

Arrows. After taking a particularly heavy hit Link temporarily lost the Master

Sword, the only weapon that could do anything more than superficial damage to

Ganon, but Zelda retrieved it and was able to return it to him halfway through

the fight. When defeated, he reverted to Ganondorf form and promised vengeance.

He looked pissed, too. Oh, and ‘Phantom Ganon’ was the boss of the Forest

Temple, which involved him flying out of portraits on horseback and the same

game of tennis Link played with Agahnim.

He also appeared in the Oracle saga, but I doubt very many people reached him.

To fight him, one had to beat either game, beat a password-linked game, and

defeat the ensuing Twinrova battle. No mean feat. Here, Ganon revealed that he

was orchestrating the actions of Onox and Veran from behind the scenes.

Defeating him was the same old song (but it’s a different meaning...), except

that he was now able to transport players to a strange blue room in which the

controls were reversed. He was quite thick-skinned here, too, as only the

Master Sword or Biggoron’s Sword even scratched him unless he was dealt a Spin

Attack.

His next incarnation, in The Wind Waker, is my favourite. He is shown three

times. Once, his face isn’t even shown, once, he tries to attack the good guys

from the top of Forsaken Fortress but is ambushed, and then he gets a long

cutscene before Link fights him. Here, it seems he has mellowed over the

hundreds of years since his Ocarina defeat, and he is portrayed in a much more

sympathetic light. He’s grown a wicked beard, and he’s quite a philosophical

fellow. When he extracts Link’s and Zelda’s pieces of the Triforce, he is very

careful not to hurt them, whereas before he would probably have just killed

them.

He is also the coolest final boss in any video game, ever. Link and Zelda

tag-team as he attacks with dual swords. First, Link must parry Ganondorf’s

attacks, rolling behind him to slash at his back. Zelda jumps in at the same

time Ganondorf figures out how to block the parry attacks, and she takes up

Link’s Hero’s Bow and fires Light Arrows at Ganondorf, damaging him. After a

bit, Ganondorf gets annoyed and knocks her out, and Link is on his own until

she wakes. When she does, well, being a genius, Ganondorf’s been working on how

he’ll block her Light Arrows even as he fought. Zelda is no idiot either

though, and formulates a desperate gambit and starts to fire AT LINK! Link uses

the Mirror Shield to deflect her shots at Ganondorf, finishing him off. So cool.

This game poses a few interesting things to look at. For one thing, Forsaken

Fortress is clearly Gerudo Fortress taken over by Moblins, so it’s fitting that

Ganondorf would return to his old base of operations and retrofit it with

new-age contrivances. Next, the Three Goddesses first allowed him to be sealed

inside the Golden Land. This didn’t work, so when the seal weakened they

flooded Hyrule in torrential rains to keep him locked in. Somehow, he still

escaped! Think about this - they drowned an entire country just to contain him

and he STILL couldn’t be stopped! How badass is that!? Lastly, in the ending

cutscene, Link stabs him in the head and loses the Master Sword in the process

as Ganondorf’s body turns to stone. And yet he appears in later games. Dude.

The Wind Waker also had a Puppet Ganon as one of three bosses leading up to

Ganondorf himself. This one required Link to sever its marionette strings with

the Boomerang and then attack its weak tail. It was a more interesting fight

than it sounds.

His inclusion in Four Swords Adventures is a little cheap, in my opinion. He

shows up in the end with almost zero foreshadowing, in the Palace of Winds no

less, a place where he shouldn’t even be. The only thing noteworthy about that

battle is the Four Swords twist on it, and the fact that Zelda is mildly

involved in it. It’s pathetically easy, too. Furthermore, I’m not entirely

comfortable with the retcons this game introduces. It states that Ganondorf was

born and raised in a town of the Zuna in the Desert of Doubt. The who in the

where? Yeah. The Desert of Doubt includes a colossal Pyramid that originally

housed a giant trident, until Ganon pilfered it and made it his signature

weapon. So there’s your new origin story. I’m not even sure whether or not to

trust it, considering the game was made by Capcom.

I’m not actually sure he was originally intended to be in Twilight Princess,

but if not he was integrated very well, so I’m glad he did. It’s a little

confusing, though. We see four nameless Sages ready to execute Ganondorf, who

has a crazy new hairstyle, in front of the Mirror of Twilight at the Arbiter’s

Grounds prison. He is wounded badly, but using the Triforce of Power he escapes

his bonds, kills one of the Sages and escapes. This is cool, but when exactly

did it take place? Oh well. He goes into hiding for a while and starts to feed

off the Twili’s hatred for the Hylians, regaining strength from this.

Eventually he manipulates their self-proclaimed king into helping him achieve

his goals.

And I raved about Waker’s final boss battle. Well, Twilight’s is pretty cool

too, so it deserves a close look. It begins with Ganondorf possessing Zelda’s

currently soulless body and attacking Link with it. This is quite cool because

he uses the sword we’ve seen Zelda holding in all the concept art. We play the

usual hit-the-ball-of-energy-back-at-Ganondorf thing, and he fights back with

sword lunges and magical assaults, and then he transforms into Ganon. Our

customary pig form, that is. This is a unique version in that he’s on all fours

and doesn’t carry a weapon. After stunning him with an arrow and attacking the

place where the Sages wounded him (his weak spot), Link takes on his wolf form

and uses Midna’s giant orange hand to wrestle him into submission, then attack

with his fangs. Looks like the mighty beast has fallen for good, but this is

Ganondorf we’re talking about. We’re transported outside and Ganondorf takes to

horse as Link and Zelda fight him from atop Epona. Zelda fires Light Arrows to

stun him and Link rides up and delivers a follow-up slash. After a few rounds

of this, Ganondorf draws the sword that wounded him so long ago – it’s made of

pure light - and he and Link go toe-to-toe in a no-holds-barred sword battle.

He’s almost as skilled here as in Waker, but has more of an emphasis on raw

physical power over Waker incarnation’s finesse. Eventually, Link drives the

Master Sword into his vulnerable wound, ending this epic four-stage struggle.

He’s also a playable character in Super Smash Bros Melee and Brawl, but there’s

not much to say about that. He’s one of the clone characters, meaning he shares

most of the moves of another character (in this case, Captain Falcon) but has

some different traits. He’s pretty heavy and slow, but powerful. Last I

checked, he was Mid-Tier in Melee, and very nearly the absolute worst-rated

character in Brawl.

=============================================================================

G e n e r a l O n o x

Bombad general

Race: Uh...Iron Knuckle?

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Strangely, even though he is the ultimate boss your first time through Oracle

of Seasons, he really only plays a bit part. On the other hand, he does set a

great game in motion. Although Ganon, a supremely powerful magician, sets his

sights on Hyrule, Onox’s goals are not so lofty. Instead, he’s willing to start

with the smaller and relatively inconsequential Holodrum. Of course, we later

learn that Ganon is manipulating him from behind the scenes to further his own

ends.

Onox starts by capturing Din, the Oracle of Seasons, and setting her in a giant

crystal (much like Ganondorf did to Zelda in Ocarina of Time.) He then sinks

the Temple of Seasons into Subrosia, the subterranean land beneath Holodrum,

and disables its four towers. Without either of those two forces to govern

them, Holodrum’s seasons spin wildly out of control, threatening to rip the

realm apart.

Luckily, Link recovers the Rod of Seasons and retrieves eight elements of Gaia,

then faces Onox head-on. To begin, Onox is covered in a heavy suit of armour,

greatly resembling an Iron Knuckle. He swings around a giant ball and chain,

much like a Ball and Chain Soldier. After being damaged a little, he has Din’s

crystal rotate around him as yet another layer of armour, but Link bats it out

of the way with the Rod of Seasons. Finally, he transforms into an immense

Chinese-ish dragon that spits fireballs and slaps Link around. Link must jump

onto his hands and then glide over to his head to hit the jewel there with his

sword. After a few hits to this jewel, Onox goes away for good.

=============================================================================

G e n t a r i

All-knowing elder

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Gentari is the elder of Minish Village and by extension the effective leader of

all Minish in Hyrule. After Link masters the Minish language by scarfing down

the Jabber Nut, he, Gentari and Ezlo have a nice conversation about the

impending destruction of everything they know and love, as well as possible

countermeasures. Combining their respective knowledge of ancient lore, Gentari

and Ezlo determine that the best course of action is to obtain the four

elements, of whose locations Gentari is luckily well aware and able to pass

onto the heroes. The first happens to be out back behind his house. The others

are not quite so easily obtained. Moustachioed, Gentari wears the red hat of

the Forest Minish but dons the tan robes of an elder rather than the forest

green jerkin of his comrades. His brother, Librari, lives in the Hyrule Town

Library.

=============================================================================

G h i r a h i m

Cosplay material

Race: Demon

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Well, Ghirahim is one of the slimier Zelda bosses, that's for sure. A creepy

albino with too much makeup and a Beroringa's tongue, he wears skintight

bodysuits and squirms like a Dancing Queen. He's also prideful to a fault, not

only believing that he has a birthright to practically everything he sees, but

that he's pretty much the second-most impressive being in the universe. On

multiple occasions he even lets Link go in spite of his supposed ability to

wipe him out, just to prove that his opponent really is as insignificant as he

claims he is. All of his actions, however, are directed in service to an even

more powerful demon: Demise, the ancient being who almost killed Hylia, the

supposedly supreme Goddess who was then forced to hide in mortal form. Skyward

Sword tries an interesting new tactic that has worked quite well for RPGs

(note: Zelda is not an RPG), which is revealing the big bad early on and

allowing us to really get a feel for him well in advance of the final

encounter, thus adding weight to it. It uses the same trick with the

Imprisoned, as well.

We first see only his ankle as he follows Link into the Forest Temple, but he

shows up for a little boss battle right at the end. This skirmish shows off his

ability to catch Link's sword in midstrike should you attack from the wrong

angle; if you fail the resulting quicktime event he can even snatch it away

from you, leaving you temporarily weaponless, before eventually throwing it at

you like a spear, after which it skids across the floor to a halt and can be

retrieved, the battle resumed. He'll occasionally summon a ring of daggers and

fire them at you, but once you've figured out the correct way to attack him

(without accidentally triggering an attack while trying to reposition your

sword – damn MotionPlus), he'll take off. You'll run into him again at the end

of the Fire Temple, where he further mocks Link in spite of his continuing

progress, and sics Scaldera on him. He pulls something similar in the Ancient

Cistern, reanimating an ancient robot and making what would otherwise be a

quite walk through a mostly empty room into one of the longer and more

dangerous boss battles. They also have a brief scrap at the Temple of Time, as

Ghirahim finally catches up with Zelda and Impa (the latter of whom seems to

cause him profound annoyance for some reason) and is about to take them out

when Link appears to buy them the precious seconds they need to escape.

Frustrated, he confronts Link again at Death Mountain Crater, determined to

take him out himself, and for good. However, although Ghirahim has gained some

new threads and a little vitality, most of his patterns are the same and he

again takes off with a scoff.

Link has spent the intervening time trying to repair the second Gate of Time,

since Impa destroyed the other one in order to prevent Ghirahim from following

them through it, but all their efforts ends up for nought. Link drops a

building on Demise's head, killing him, and revives Zelda, but Ghirahim speeds

onto the scene, kidnapping the non-Princess. He announces that Demise, although

Imprisoned, is still alive in the distant past, and quickly whisks her off to a

thousand years earlier via the Gate. When Link gives chase, he summons about a

hundred Bokoblins to stall his heroly efforts. He explicitly tells them he

doesn't care if they all get slaughtered in the process, as long as they

sufficiently harry him, and that they should be more afraid of the consequences

of failure than of Link (which is bad logic, considering what would happen if

they helped Link defeat Ghirahim). In spite of this, Link fights his way down

the slope and still arrives in time, further enraging the already overworked

demon. He decides that the time has finally come for him to show his true form,

essentially that of Demise's sword, and a three-part battle ensues as Link

attempts to get at the jewel embedded in Ghirahim's chest. At first, Ghirahim

teleports them high above the bottom level and onto a floating platform made of

magic. He's now encased in flexible black metal, and Link quickly finds he

can't injure him, but by attacking relentlessly he can knock him off the

platform and down to a lower one, stunning him. Their return to the bottom of

the Sealed Temple spiral signals the beginning of the dodge-and-counterattack

section of the battle, until finally Ghirahim materialises a chainsaw-like

sword. Though reasonably powerful, the weapon is insubstantial and thus less

than durable. With a sustained sword assault, Link can shatter it into thin

air, making Ghirahim temporarily vulnerable to a thrust attack to his weak

point. Link ultimately delivers the winning blow, but it's still too late. The

ritual has continued as they fought, Zelda's soul has been sucked out, and

Demise appears.

And then the very first thing he does is murder the loyal servant who has

toiled tirelessly to return him to full strength.

I guess it's a worthy end for him, actually, considering the kind of demon he

was. Ultimately, Ghirahim is a little bit of a lost opportunity, as although he

definitely had the potential to be cool and memorable, his ineffectiveness and

lack of quotability mean he'll likely end up regarded as a curiosity rather

than a truly great and memorable foe.

=============================================================================

G h o s t R i n g l e a d e r

Lovelorn spectre

Race: Hylian ghost

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

I can't remember how I arrived at this name, whether it's in the game or I read

it somewhere or I made it up myself, but here we are. I mean it to refer to a

heartbroken young woman who died and was then interred at Icy Plain. Like

seemingly 90% of ghosts in the Zelda universe, however, she decides to stick

around for a while, in this case to see if she can ultimately ever find

requited love. The man she sets her sights on, however, is the Port Town Guard,

who is already happily married. Sickeningly jealous, the girl exacts her

revenge by siccing some of her most powerful spirit underlings on the poor

lady, striking her with debilitating illness and leaving her husband at a loss.

In time, however, Tingle comes to understand the cause of her affliction, and

upon hearing this information the Guard takes up his trusty spear and sets out

with him to exorcise ghosts and not afraid of anything. They travel to the

Ghost Ringleader's grave, roust her, defeat her bodyguards and then smack her

around a bit. Eventually she concedes defeat and apologizes for her

wrongdoings, saying she only ever wanted to be loved, which is really just sad.

It gets much less tragic if you read her headstone, which says she was only

eight years old when she died, promptly killing the romance angle.

=============================================================================

G o l d e n C h i e f C y l o s

Frogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Race: Lesser Deity

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Cylos is a giant, moustachioed, golden frog who resides on the Uncharted Island

in the fourth quadrant of the Ocean King’s waters. To access his cave, Link

must first map out the island, walking around its entire perimeter and

sketching its general shape down onto his Sea Chart (using the DS’s touch

screen), along with a few other features of interest. Following this, the

Uncharted Island reveals itself to be in the shape of a whale, after which the

cryptic clues offered make a lot more sense and Link is able to determine the

correct order in which to hit the island’s four switches. Upon dong so, the

mysterious cave at the centre of the island opens up and Link enters, and

promptly finds himself greeted by Golden Chief Cylos.

As a fellow light-aligned deity, Cylos is good friends with the Ocean King and

wants to see him do well. To that end, he offers Link the only real assistance

he has to offer, the Cyclone Slate. Much like the operations of the similarly

named Zephos and Cyclos from The Wind Waker (who were also lesser deities who

took the form of giant frogs), this little piece of gnarliness allows Link to

instantaneously warp across the map from anywhere at any time, provided certain

conditions have been met. In Hourglass, this means encountering one of the Six

Golden Frogs spread unevenly across the oceanic quadrants, shooting it with the

cannon in order to get its attention and befriend it, and learning its

particular symbol. Once he has it down, he can call up the slate at any time

when aboard the S.S. Linebeck, scratch out a quick pattern, and be lifted into

the skies on the wings of a whirlwind, only to come down seconds later at his

chosen warp point. Like in Waker, these hotspots aren’t always located as

conveniently as they could be, but, given the alternative, none of us is about

to complain.

Cylos has an outie belly button.

=============================================================================

G o l o

Assistant archaeologist

Race: Goron

Appearances: Skyward Sword

The only other Goron, and for that matter just about the only other sentient

being, seen beneath the clouds, Golo is Gorko's assistant. You can find him in

a small cave network that connects the starting area of Lanayru Mines with more

far-flung locations like that raised quicksand area with the door that can only

be reached by Clawshot. Of the four tunnels in the hub area of the caves, one

is blocked, and our tall-haired friend is excavating it. If you stop to chat

with him he'll ask for a 10-Rupee donation to the cause; if you contribute,

he'll eventually strike Timestone ore as he works through the rock, and will

pay out 100 Rupees in dividends, a 1000% return on your principal investment,

as we say in the biz. More importantly, although most of the rock is too hard

to penetrate, he will have opened a narrow passage level with the ground, and

your Bomb-bowling and belly-crawling skills will allow you to access Lanayru

Gorge.

=============================================================================

G o n d o

Tinkerer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Perpetually wearing a welding mask, the grandson of the finest machinist in the

entirety of Skyloft history is no slouch himself. For a fee, he will happily

upgrade some of your items. He might increase the capacity of your Bomb Bags or

Quivers, strengthen your shield's durability, enlarge your Bug-Catching Net, or

strengthen your projectiles, but his most intriguing improvements are made to

your Beetle, lengthening the time it can spend in flight and adding a dash

feature. Given the right collection of Treasures and a few Rupees for his

labour, he'll move over to his workbench, whip some tools out of his belt and

bang away for a while until he's ready to present you with your new toy.

Because men are all about technology.

His aforementioned grandfather was also fond of telling tales that most passed

off as outlandish, but, as it turns out, were actually quite true. He left

behind an ancient robot that he'd been attempting to fix, but never with any

success, as the only lubricant capable of restoring it to working condition

comes from a certain flower that died out hundreds of years ago. But given his

Timestone-related adventures, Link has one ready to go! In a matter of seconds,

Gondo's dream is fulfilled, and Link can begin hauling things up from beneath

the clouds.

In a strange way, Gondo also looks somewhat like how I envision the Tom Clancy

character Max Moor, mainly because of the black ponytail.

=============================================================================

G o n g o r o n

Prissy annoying little kid

Race: Goron

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Complaints about his snivelling personality aside, I actually really like

Gongoron. First of all, he has a strange name, and that has to count for

something. But more than that, he’s one of only six playable characters in the

entire Zelda franchise, which is pretty cool in and of itself - the others

being Kafei, Medli, Makar, Tingle, and Link himself, and you could even argue

that Medli and Makar don’t even count cause they were maybe just being

possessed by Link. However you look at it, Gongoron has amazing cachet as a

playable character on par with Kafei, and we maintain control of him for some

of the longest lengths of time (third only to Link and Tingle), so there.

So now we have that out of the way. Gongoron is the son of Biggoron, leader of

Goron Island. Yes, Goron Island. Once Link is finished running around the

village memorizing useless facts about its features and populace, he passes

Biggoron’s knowledge test and is initiated as an honourary member of the tribe,

and access to the Goron Temple comes as part of the package. Biggoron, however,

is concerned about Link’s ability to deal with the temple’s traps and layout on

his own, so he commands Gongoron to accompany him. Which, isn't that a little

backwards? He should be worrying about Gongoron way ahead of Link.

Upon our introduction to this poor-tempered, worrying crybaby, he immediately

makes clear his disdain for Link and then runs off to the temple without him.

This is going great so far. So, Link must make his way to the temple solo,

which he accomplishes with a modicum of difficulty, and enters only to find

that Gongoron has run off inside and almost immediately found himself

surrounded by Dodongos, with no means of escape. All right, it happens. So, as

Link we must come to his rescue – only to find that Gongoron is going to help

us accomplish it.

We take control of the little guy and find that in some ways, he actually

controls more smoothly than Link. Like all Gorons, Gongoron curls into a ball

when he feels the need for speed, and after walking around for a few moments he

gets his momentum up and does this automatically; after a bit he’s practically

invincible if you can keep him moving. But he’s not limited to this unwieldy

attack. He has a sort of homing attack activated by simply tapping his enemies.

Utilising these skills, Gongoron is able to defeat the creatures and reunite

with Link, at which point he becomes slightly more accepting of the task he’s

been assigned and becomes progressively more helpful as the dungeon-busting

tandem attack wears on.

Eventually, after advancing past a number of puzzles (quite a few of them a

step up from the standard ‘instruct helper character to stand on one switch

while Link runs over to the other switch,’ although there’s some of that too),

the pair enters the boss chamber, ready to take on the monster within. All of

Phantom Hourglass’s bosses are inspired and creative, but this one has to be

top three (after Bellum and Eox). It opens normally, but as the pair comes

under attack they quickly become separated, Link at the door, Gongoron across a

stretch of lava and pinned in with the boss.

From here the object is to direct Bombchu across the floe and into the giant

Dodongo’s mouth, as the species’ weakness to explosives has been

well-documented since the original game. In order to stun the beast and allow

Link an open shot, Gongoron must bait it into a charge and then attack its

vulnerable sides while it collects itself. After three successful Bombchu

strikes, a bridge forms allowing Link to cross and continue on when the

behemoth stands once more. The fun part of the fight, though, is keeping the

two alive; while knocking Gongoron around up top, he sends a legion of little

guys to go after Link, requiring a constant juggling act to maintain both

characters’ health bars as you manically switch back and forth, attacking with

one character only to snap back to the other just in time to sidestep a

potentially fatal assault. This becomes slightly easier when the two are nearer

to each other, at which point Link functions more or less without Gongoron’s

help, though you can try to be clever and still use one to keep attention off

the other if you get cornered or something. Eventually, Link and Gongoron down

their foe and recover the temple’s Pure Metal.

Later on, he can be found working at tourist attraction Dee Ess Island with a

few other Gorons. Post-Ice Temple, it turns out it’s the mighty Goron Races!

...Nostalgia... ...unchanged from Majora’s Mask... Except not as much fun,

since it’s just time trials, but stylus controls might not have been able to

handle the jostling anyway. You take control of Gongoron himself in his bid to

take home the pennant.

=============================================================================

G o o d B e e

Sweet little bumblebee

Race: Bee

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Honestly speaking, the Good Bee is in no way a character, but she’s just so

cool I can’t help but give her a quick blurb. You can find her by dashing into

the fountain in the cave where you find the Ice Rod, after which you can snag

her with your Bug-Catching Net and store her in a Bottle. (It’s also possible

to kill her with your sword, or kill yourself by walking into her repeatedly.)

At this point, you can sell her in the Kakariko Village market, but why would

you want to? Instead, you can unleash her on the forces of evil! Protect the

hive from enemies! The Good Bee’s attack is noticeably stronger than that of

regular Bees, and unlike regular Bees, after she’s finished working on all the

enemies in an area, she’ll return to Link so as to flit back into her Bottle!

She wants to be with you until the end; she gives her heart and her soul to you

to make you see it through. The first time I read about that, I thought it was

the coolest thing I’d ever heard.

=============================================================================

G o r k o t h e G o r o n

^Self-introduction

Race: Goron

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Gorko, or, as I like to call him, Dorko, is a Goron studying archaeology on the

surface of the world of Skyward Sword. First encountered just outside the

Sealed Temple, he shows up a number of times throughout the game to share his

love of ancient writings and to unknowingly provide Link with useful

information. He is particularly interested in the stories that speak of a

utopia above the clouds, and since no one in Zelda gives a straight answer

ever, Link dickishly poker faces right through it. He's amazed by the way

statues react to Link when he saves, and the fact that Link sometimes stands in

front of them and then rockets into the sky. A little later, he explains the

facts of Goddess Walls and their ability to provide the chosen hero with

certain items he might need in his quest, like Arrows or Fairies. Eventually

he'll stand in front of one Goddess Wall and indirectly request a specific

item; if you acquiesce he'll happily reward you with a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

G o r o n E l d e r

Geriatrock

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Twilight Princess

Spirit Tracks

When Link climbs to Snowhead Mountain, he finds that Skull Kid has frozen it

over. The snowbound Gorons are unable to search for food, but the Goron Elder

bravely crawls into the blizzard and tries to find some healthful rock sirloin.

He’s unsuccessful, and moreover, his son pines for his father and cries

constantly. When the Elder finds out, he tries to teach Link the Goron’s

Lullaby, but it’s so cold he forgets half of it. His son teaches Link the rest

and promptly falls asleep, much to the relief of his roomies.

The Elder is notable for a couple of reasons, mainly that he teaches us a few

things about Goron biology. He’s a hunchback: A huge mound of rock has doubled

his height. It weighs heavily on him, and he sometimes walks on all fours due

to the burden. He also has huge lips, and he’s one of a handful of Gorons to

sport visible hair. Secondly, he carries a pair of Goron Bongos, one of only

two Gorons seen to do so (though it’s possible that they’re a very common item,

just rarely used.)

He’s a little zestier in Oracle of Ages, with a beard resembling Darunia’s and

a lot of muscles. Not enough muscles, unfortunately, to break through a cave-in

that has cut him off from the rest of the tribe. Link travels to the past,

defeats the Great Moblin, and wins a Bomb Flower for his troubles. (Strangely,

unlike those in the 3D games it does not explode immediately after picking.) He

hands it off to the foreman who explodes it and frees the Goron Elder, who is

able to help Link enter the Crown Dungeon.

Twilight Princess’s Gorons are presided over by Darbus, their leader, who

utilises the four Elders as his agents to help him get things done. When the

five entered the Goron Mines to try and destroy the evil that was seeping out

of them, Darbus was overpowered and the Elders were forced to flee, sealing him

in with the Fused Shadow and being forced to abandon him there. Link eventually

confronts the Elders, respectively called Gor Coron, Gor Amoto, Gor Ebizo, and

Gor Liggs. By tracking them all down, he assembles what passes for the

dungeon’s Boss Key, then proceeds to defeat the transformed Darbus and liberate

him from evil’s clutches. Gor Coron is quite skilled at sumo wrestling (didn’t

see that one coming), and just generally seems to look and act very Japanese.

Gor Liggs is covered in purplish body paint, or maybe even IS purple. The other

two are just old. After Link completes the Goron Mines, Gor Liggs and Gor Ebizo

take to hanging out at the Kakariko Village Malo Mart, and later play a part in

opening the Castle Town branch.

As Goron Elders have done since time immemorial, the Goron Elder of Spirit

Tracks sees to the administration of Goron Village, the main settlement found

in the Fire Realm. He is cut off from most of the rest of the place’s

inhabitants by a sudden eruption, and Link is unable to meet with him until he

brings a half-load of Mega Ice to cool it. Though nominally suspicious of the

outsider that is Link, the Elder changes his tune when his grandson rushes in

and tells him it was Link who saved the village, and he shows him how to access

the Fire Sanctuary (since the secret is passed down from Elder to future

Elder.) Later on, the grandson leaves to experience city life, but the Elder

knows he’ll be back, because, he says, all Gorons eventually realise that Goron

Village is paradise. This probably has less to do with the conditions of the

place itself and more to do with the kinship of being among one’s fellow Gorons.

=============================================================================

G o r t r a m

DKC level designer

Race: Goron

Appearances: Skyward Sword

In the Lanayru Shipyards, Link encounters a brief sequence where he must

transport himself from one section of the operation to another by careening

around on mine carts. After the compulsory portion, you can return to try

again, aiming for a course record on three different tracks. Gortram, a

longtime cart fan, runs this whole outfit. Getting under 60 seconds on the

'heart-stopping' course wins you a quick and easy Piece of Heart.

=============================================================================

G o s s a c k

Anti-Bolshevik militant monarchist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Like many explorers of the bounding main, Gossack can often be found at the

Windfall Island Cafe when he puts into port for a little R&R. Cowardly and a

little ugly, Gossack ‘jumps at even the slightest of surprises.’ Lenzo,

claiming he wishes to help Gossack overcome his fear through exposure therapy,

has Link take a pictograph of the poor soul in abject terror, which isn’t hard

to do; simply rolling into the wall near him will startle him into outright

shivers of fright. Snapping a quick pic will put Link one step closer to the

Deluxe Picto Box.

I also seem to remember intimations of him having a crush on Gillian or some

such thing.

=============================================================================

G r a n d F a i r y

Fairies in the Outfield

Race: Fairy

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

Before Uncle Rupee started pulling all those fun shenanigans he's so well-known

for, the Fairy Garden (known in Japan by the much more interesting name of the

Garden of Consequences) was a verdant, idyllic haven filled with flowing water

and magic power. It even sported a baseball diamond, which somewhat suggests

that the rest of the area formed the rather obstacle-laden outfield, with the

punctuated by the Fairy Temple sitting in the exact middle of the play area.

Not so much anymore, though, as by the time Tingle literally drops in,

responding to a psychic distress signal from the Grand Fairy, Uncle Rupee has

taken the colour-coded Herbs, Cubes and Orbs that power the local magic and

scattered them to the four winds. As a result, the Metal Fairy, Aqua Fairy,

Magma Fairy, Leaf Fairy, and Earth Fairy – each one having a corresponding

giant Rupee that Tingle collected earlier in his quest – have fallen into a

deep sleep. For some reason this has sapped the Grand Fairy of her own power,

including the ability to even assume physical form. Fortunately, Tingle, ever

eager to blindly follow the instructions of complete strangers, journeys across

the length and breadth of Fairy Garden in search of the items in question. He

quickly restores them to their rightful spots, setting the land on the road to

repair. This entails one of the most complaint-inducing but legitimately fun

parts of the game, as a lengthy treasure hunt ensues.

You have the option of renting a talking 'car' (really a square platform)

called the X-Fairy to make travel easier. I considered giving it a profile of

its own, and then did not.

When the Grand Fairy ultimately shows herself before Tingle, she is revealed to

have the body of a modern Great Fairy but the face of Pinkle. It's very

disturbing. It also turns out not to be coincidence, as we learn later that

she's the girl's mother. For now, she lets us in on a truth of equal intrigue:

Uncle Rupee's been playing us all along, which, to be honest, you should really

have worked out for yourself by now. She goes on to explain that the

'Rupeeland' of Uncle Rupee's desires is not actually the utopia he would have

us imagine, but rather a hellscape where everyone on earth is transformed into

a Tingle and forced to labour endlessly to feed Uncle Rupe's insatiable lust

for Rupees. This triggers the single best moment of the game, which I'll now

spoil for you, as Tingle envisions 'Bad Uncle Rupee's Ashen Rupeeland,' set up

as a corrupt version of the game's title screen, complete with copyright

notice. Tingle howls in horror, declares that he no longer wishes to go to

Rupeeland, and vows to defeat Uncle Rupee.

If Tingle goes into the final battle having collected all of the Rupee Goods

and freed Pinkle, the Grand Fairy takes over her role, contacting him by Tingle

Tuner and explaining his new ability to fire streams of Rupees. When he finally

overcomes Uncle Rupee, she praises him for having not fallen into the trap that

his enemy did, and implores him to use the positive energy of the Rupees he has

amassed to make the world a better place. Instead, Tingle decides that he'd

rather live the easy life, lounging around all day, filling his face and going

out every night with his girlfriends. She's not amused.

=============================================================================

G r e a t D e k u T r e e

Tree of the Ancients

Race: Deku

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

The Great Deku Tree is known as the guardian of the Kokiri. Even as the other

six races warred among themselves, the Deku Tree shrouded them in the forest.

It is supposedly its (his?) power that keeps them from ever aging past ten. It

also guards the Kokiri’s Emerald, the Spiritual Stone of Forest. Ganondorf

tried to steal it from him but was unable to take it by force. Instead, he sent

Queen Gohma, a giant armoured arachnid, to invade the tree, set herself in its

roots and kill it from within. She spawns many foul beasts and starts to poison

the tree. At the tree’s behest, Link arms himself, enters the root structure

and slays Queen Gohma, but it’s too late. The Great Deku Tree realises that his

suspicion was correct: Link is destined to save Hyrule. He gives him the

Spiritual Stone to help him on his quest, then dies.

As his last act, however, he plants a seed. This new Deku Tree grows just in

front of the previous one, and takes seven years to sprout; it does so just as

Link defeats Phantom Ganon in the Forest Temple. It then gives Link a brief

explanation of what has happened in his absence and further instructions.

This same tree reappears hundreds of years later in The Wind Waker, and he

looks much different than his father. The original looked like...like Merlin.

This one looks like Bob the plumber. His face is way closer to the ground, and

he’s grown more upward rather than outward – possibly because of limited

horizontal space, due to him being inside a larger tree. That tree is quite

possibly the first Deku Tree, though that would have required transplantation.

The new Deku Tree guards the Forest Haven, which is a combination of the Kokiri

Forest, Lost Woods and Great Deku Tree areas from Ocarina of Time, split up

into four tiny islands. The new tree protects the Koroks as its predecessor(s)

protected the Kokiri. Despite its appearance, it is quite as wise as the

original (well, almost.) The Great Deku Tree is one of the few creatures old

enough to remember how to speak Ancient Hylian; when he sees Link in his heroic

outfit, he is reminded of the Hero of Time and spits out a few text boxes of

Hylian script before apologetically switching to Link’s language.

The Great Deku Tree serves to help Link keep up with Makar, an important part

of the story. He also figures into a side-quest: Worried that the forests are

dwindling, he sends eight Koroks out to some small islands to plant trees that

will eventually give birth (so to speak) to new woods, but they aren’t doing so

well. Link must quickly transport mystical water from Forest Haven to each of

the trees, allowing them to begin to grow.

His Tingle RPG incarnation follows much the same route as the Ocarina one,

while taking on the appearance of the Waker one. As usual, he protects a

collection of trees, in this case the Deku Forest. This time, however, he has

produced an heir well prior to dying, but this sapling is itself in mortal

danger, suffering at the hands of human development in the forest. Coupled with

the game's overall anti-consumerist message, I'm beginning to wonder if I could

write an essay positioning Tingle RPG as a critique of modern society in the

developed world. Anyway, the only thing that can save Deku Jr from his fate is

some Pure Dew, which, conveniently, grows a few hundred metres beneath the

Great Deku Tree, in the dungeon called the Deku Temple. Inconveniently, the

Deku Tree is a plant, so he can't just grab it himself; moreover, like always,

he's been infested by monsters. It turns out Tingle is up to the task, however,

and he is able to retrieve the Dew and save the younger tree's life. This

business taken care of, the older one is able to die, entrusting the future of

the forest in his child's hands. So to speak.

=============================================================================

G r e a t F a i r i e s

Demented sprites

Race: Fairies

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Four Swords

The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

Twilight Princess

Phantom Hourglass

In other words, all main games except the second and seventeenth.

Even though not one of them technically has a name, they serve a great enough

role in Link’s quests that I saw fit to briefly detail them here.

Okay, rapid-fire. In the NES and Gameboy games, a Great Fairy would completely

restore Link’s health. In A Link to the Past, Link would throw various items

into specific Fairy Fountains to have them upgraded. Ocarina of Time’s Great

Fairies offered upgrades and magical attacks. In Majora’s Mask, collecting all

20 Stray Fairies in a dungeon would allow them to reform and give him a special

upgrade, one of which was a very special sword. The N64 ones are famous for

screaming insanely when they appeared. In Four Swords, they offered keys that

allowed the party’s quest to move forward. In The Wind Waker, they mainly

offered capacity upgrades (Rupees, Bombs etc.) and also offered special items

like the Fire and Ice Arrows. In Four Swords Adventures, they sometimes had to

be rescued and escorted, and each of the maidens had the ability to transform

into a fairy, including Zelda. In The Minish Cap they once again offered

capacity upgrades. In Twilight Princess they were found in the Cave of Ordeals,

and if Link completed the entire thing he could visit their springs to fill a

Bottle with Great Fairy Tears, which was essentially Grandma’s Homemade Soup

with only one serving. Lastly, in Phantom Hourglass they provided Link with

certain abilities depending on the number of Power, Wisdom or Courage Gems he

had collected.

Whew.

=============================================================================

G r o g

Get mediaevel

Race: Hylian, for a while

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

With a name like Grog, you’d think he’d be right at home sailing the bounding

main with Tetra’s pirates, but on the contrary, he spends most of his time

moping in the Lost Woods. A parody that any individual dark or misanthropist in

nature would find insulting, Grog claims that ‘everyone’s disgusting’ and bars

himself off from society. He has a similar attitude in the sequel, when he

proves himself not particularly affected by the impending end of the world,

regretting only that he could not see his precious baby Cuccos become

full-grown cluckers (Link solves this by ordering a march that causes the

Cuccos’ rapid maturation, earning himself the Bunny Hood.) Later on in Ocarina,

he moves to the Woods and becomes a Skull Kid, despite his sister’s best

efforts to save him. That sister, if I recall correctly, is the Cucco Lady, and

I think his mother is Grandma from Grandma’s Potion Shop. His father is Mutoh,

the foreman who’s always yelling at the other carpenters (I know that last one

for sure; his father is definitely Mutoh.)

=============================================================================

G r o o s e

High school jock

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Sort of the Kururin of Skyward Sword, Groose begins the game shaping up to be

an antagonist but turns into one of Link's staunchest allies and closest

friends. With a monumental crush on Zelda, Groose is intensely jealous of the

childhood friendship she shares with Link, and ends up bullying and teasing him

relentlessly because of it. Flanked by his two lackeys, Cawlin and Strich, his

very first act of the game is to push back his swoop of red hair, point

aggressively yet flamboyantly, and declare that Link is a huge dork who will

absolutely lose in the Wing Ceremony in which they are all about to partake.

It's a pretty unmistakeable first impression. It then transpires that the trio

has captured and caged Link's (rare, crimson-coloured) Loftwing in an attempt

to keep him from participating at all. What a guy. Of course, Link finds his

bird, undoes the damage, and wins the competition, causing Groose to grouse

about dumb luck, favouritism and the like. When Zelda disappears from Skyloft

shortly thereafter, he's not so cocky, slipping into depression for quite a

while.

Eventually, he catches on to the fact that Link keeps appearing, rushing around

town, and then flying off again without explanation, and realises that this

must all somehow relate to Zelda. He therefore decides that it would be a good

idea to drop to the surface without a Sailcloth (a magical piece of fabric sewn

by Zelda that can be spread above you to break your fall, allowing you to

safely drop to the ground from any height), latching onto Link in midair and

nearly killing them both. He explains, in so many words, that his plan is

basically to jump in at the last minute and steal Link's glory, and then they

go talk to Impa at the Sealed Temple. Their conversation is cut short, however,

as Link's charging a Skyward Strike wakes the Imprisoned, to whom he must

quickly rush down and defeat in order to re-seal the beast in its (his) Sealing

Slab. Groose, awed by the battle he has just witnessed, realises the whole

affair is out of his depth, and thinks it best that he simply bow out. Impa,

however, tells him that he still has a role to play, and after some time for

reflection he decides everyone is best off if he provides support from the

sidelines.

In preparation for the Imprisoned's inevitable next breakout, he manages to

jury-rig a mobile catapult that fires oversized Bombs, naming it the

Groosenator and constructing a huge raised railway around the lip of the Sealed

Temple spiral for it to ride around. It's not quite ready when the encounter

does happen, but Link is able to delay the monster until Groose has made the

necessary adjustments. The Bombs stun the Imprisoned for quite a while, and are

able to halt its quick slithering or knock it off a wall if it tries to use its

newfound arms to scale one, making it invaluable, especially since the

Imprisoned is now slightly faster and thus more difficult to attack.

Groose, it seems, has reevaluated his entire life. He's no longer concerned

with the childishness that occupied him before, now striving only to learn all

he can, be the best he can be and make the most of his time on earth (in more

ways than one.) He takes up horticulture. He makes peace with himself. And

then, when the Imprisoned makes its third run for Temple destruction, he

overcomes a technical hiccough with on-the-spot creativity, proposing to launch

Link onto the beast's head to land the final blow. The plan works.

That's his last major stand, but he has one final moment of action when

Ghirahim is pulling his Demise-reviving shenanigans: Impressively, he actually

follows Ghirahim, Link and the unconscious Zelda into the ancient past, taking

custody of Zelda' soulless body so that Link can go after Demise without

worrying about her. In the end, he cracks a joke about 'The Legend of Groose,'

before offering Link one final wave as he returns to Skyloft with his two

buddies. From snobbery and feelings of inferiority, to lethargy and self-pity,

and finally to self-actualization and kindness, Groose is quite likely the most

developed character in the Zelda universe; we can actually empathize with his

personal journey much more than we can that of Link, whose fundamental

perfection is thematically a little farther removed from our own lives. We all

have doubts and insecurities, and we all have to find a way to overcome them.

For that reason, Groose has cemented himself as a fan favourite.

=============================================================================

G u l l y

Strich-in-training

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

A little boy living in Skyloft, son of Piper the Bazaar chef, Gully spends his

time running around looking for bugs to collect. He also teaches you how to

roll. And you can rationalise all you want, but having a Stamina Gauge makes

the game less fun.

=============================================================================

G u l d

Mogma Master

Race: Mogma

Appearances: Skyward Sword

With his long hair and beard, Guld resembles kind of a wise old hippy. He leads

the Mogma of Eldin Mountain, but due to his advanced years, he is looking to

groom a successor and retire. He shows up in the Fire Sanctuary to help Link

through a few trouble spots, warning him about various dangers and alerting him

to a secret long-lost treasure in the area. Later on he can be found in the

Mogmas' home, complaining about how he wishes he could live among the clouds.

As luck would have it, Kina of Pumpkin Landing is recruiting a row-hoer, and

Link apprises Guld of a job offering in Skyloft while being vague about the

specifics. After Scrapper drops Guld into his new home, he is furious at being

roped into such a menial job, but quickly softens up when he casts his old eyes

on the lovely Kina. He lives out his remaining years in paradise and the Mogma

clan, leaderless, probably withers and dies.

=============================================================================

G u r e e t o

Great?

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Though he looks dressed for a jungle safari, Gureeto offers to be the party's

guide through the desert. When they tell him they don't want to go to the

desert, he chuckles and tells them they'll be back. They scoff, but Segaare

ends up kidnapping Kakashi and and running off with him into the sands, forcing

them to solicit Gureeto's help to pursue. Before he agrees, he first tests

their ability to make the journey. He releases a stag beetle that he bids them

to find and bring back, which, really, I don't know what that's supposed to

prove. Once he's satisfied, he introduces them to the concept of the canteen,

which holds water. If they run out of water, they pass out. It depletes

slightly with each step they take, and Raion requires 100 units (out of a

maximum capacity of 1000) in order to open certain large gates. Finally, it

also serves as the party's hit points for the remainder of the SaGa, since as

long as they're in the desert they're subject to random encounters with

monsters who engage them in turn-based battles in the vein of a typical RPG.

It's very low-pressure, and one of the funniest and most enjoyable parts of a

very funny and enjoyable game. Anyway, the brighterside is that they can refill

their canteen, not only at the occasional pay-per-use oasis, but also

underneath giant bay leafs scattered here and there. These all have Seebuta

stations near them, but just as significantly serve as an opportunity to summon

Gureeto and establish a base camp. He'll appear the instant he's called, and

will happily dispense free water as needed. It would seem that his only desire

in life is to be amongst the desert, because as soon as you're through he takes

off, not even asking anything for his services.

=============================================================================

G u r u - G u r u

Copy Gramophonian

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

In Ocarina of Time, Guru-Guru - whose name may not have been Guru-Guru at the

time, and whom most referred to on some variation of ‘crazy windmill guy’ - was

a crazy guy who owned the windmill of Kakariko Village. His name is most likely

derived from the handheld gramophone from which he is never seen apart;

‘kuru-kuru’ is the Japanese onomatopoeia for something spinning, as in ‘Nyaasu

no paati, kuru-kuru, mawaru!’ (Meowth’s party, round and round, revolve.’)

Gangly, bald, and bearded, he is almost always seen with an expression of pure,

deep-seated happiness, and this is how Link finds him when he visits the

windmill as a child; there he is, just blissing out in his humble home and

laying down phat beats...no, wait, that’s a different kind of spin-related

music-making. But like the Happy Mask Salesman and Scarfies, he also has a dark

side. When we reunite with him seven years down the line he adopts an utterly

fearful countenance and starts screaming at us. He starts to work his

gramophone faster and faster as the unforgettably significant Song of Storms

starts to grind out. Link, he shrieks, is the one responsible for the sudden

and catastrophic draining of the village well, without whose waters Kakariko

can barely subsist, and it’s all because of Link, the Ocarina of Time, and the

most accursed Song of Storms!

So to recap, Ganondorf was responsible for the sacking of Hyrule Castle,

Ganondorf was responsible for Death Mountain’s optically threatening corona,

Ganondorf was responsible for Zora’s Domain freezing over, Link was responsible

for the well draining, and all of this happened around the same time. Nice

logic? Actually, as learn when we investigate further, it turns out it WAS Link

who destroyed Kakariko - what a dick! In a case of what can be called

retroactive history or self-fulfilling prophecy, upon hearing this Link then

takes us back to the past to enact (re-enact?) the crime for which he has been

accused. Upon standing in the middle of town and playing the Song of Storms

(which Guru-Guru hears and remembers, seven years later teaching it to Link,

who then goes back in time to teach it to Guru-Guru) he finds that the

windmill, in much the same way as the gramophone that we have discussed above,

begins to spin faster and faster, drawing all available water until there’s

nothing left. Torrential downpours now DRAIN wells, didn’t you know? The

advantage here is that this leaves Link free to explore the Bottom of the Well

and acquire the quest-critical Lens of Truth, but obliterating the welfare of

an entire village is sort of harsh. Nice one, Mill.

In his second appearance (which is where we get the name from), Guru-Guru is no

longer mad at us, but still a little bit of a creep. He hangs out by the

laundry pool, cranking out one of my favourite tunes in any Zelda, and that’s

saying something. But man, come to think of it - Guru-Guru, the Stray Fairy,

Kafei, the Curiosity Shop Owner (presumably), the Postman, and Link himself;

the laundry pool sure does see a lot of traffic for one small alcove, doesn’t

it? Anyway, in this universe Guru-Guru formerly put his musical skills to use

as part of a group of travelling entertainers, but he soon left out of jealousy

for the troupe’s leader, because he just couldn’t reconcile with taking orders

from a dog. He lifted the mutt’s Bremen Mask on his way out the door, stealing

masks being in vogue in Termina, only to find that rather than slaking his

spite, the act left him consumed by guilt. When Link comes along, he realises

he’s found the perfect solution: He’ll bequeath the item to him! That

definitely makes it ok! Well, it works out at least, with Link gaining a useful

new tool and Guru-Guru somehow now able to live with himself where he couldn’t

before.

With the Oracle Saga taking gameplay elements from the GameBoy and setpieces

from the N64, Guru-Guru played a minor role in Seasons as well, tending the

Windmill that sits on top of the hill in the Eastern Suburbs of Horon Village.

In stark opposition to previous events, here Guru-Guru WANTS the contraption to

gyrate as fast as possible, and even enlists that good-for-nothing Link for a

little help. If Link can provide him with some Engine Grease to loosen up the

joints and gears (what sort of Engine it was originally intended for never

being explained), Guru-Guru will give up his iconic Gramophone. I guess you

never really know someone. The Windmill will begin to spin at exciting

highspeed star, and Link can then take the Gramophone to Holodrum’s Lost Woods,

root out a lone music-loving Deku Scrub in an obscure cave, and receive a copy

of Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars. No, wait, he receives a Broken Sword,

which he can then have repaired to the L-2 Noble Sword, twice as powerful as

the one he had before, so sweet deal.

=============================================================================

G u s t a f, R o y a l S p i r i t

Dead and kicking

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Gustaf reigned as King of Hyrule hundreds of years ago, but of course, he died.

He still wishes to maintain peace in his kingdom even from beyond the grave,

however, so he still does what he can to ensure its future. Link first meets

him after claiming the Water Element, then goes to meet him in the Royal Crypt.

Much like similar tombs, his was so complex it’s its own mini-dungeon. In life,

he was very fond of the people of the Wind Tribe. The Kinstone piece he gives

Link allows him to enter Veil Falls and, consequently, the Palace of Winds.

=============================================================================

H a n c h

Mulleted coward

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

What the hell kind of name is Hanch?

An inhabitant of Ordon Village, Hanch first strides onto the scene, as it were,

by throwing small rocks at a beehive in an effort to get its larvae to use as

fishing bait. (This caused a lot of confusion in Spirit Tracks, where Bee

Larvae also appear, as do beehives, but the two are unrelated; the items are

found randomly in pots and the like, and knocking down one of the game’s

aggravatingly plentiful beehives will win you nothing but pain. You can’t even

catch ‘em.) There are two ways to grab this bad boy for him: You can either

bean it with the Slingshot, which you won’t get until later, or assault it with

a hawk, which you can do immediately. The former will turn a stinging reprisal

on yourself, but the latter will see the sortie directed against Hanch.

Mistaken blame and all; it’s like a sitcom. Hanch will flee into the water to

get them off his tail, which doesn’t work in real life by the way. Bees will

actually watch you move beneath the surface and follow, and resume their attack

when you reemerge. Try it if you don’t believe me. Go ahead.

Shortly thereafter, we learn that he is Sera’s husband and Beth’s father, and

following that, he proves himself to be one of the most snivelling and

dislikeable characters ever seen in a Zelda game, brimming with malcontent and

in dire need of an attitude adjustment. He makes up for it later, when Bo

assigns him to security detail. Hanch takes up a position on the earthy-stoney

pillar between Sera’s Sundries and Rusl’s house, from which vantage he shoots

the village hawk at trespassers; guess those things are common property and

whoever makes use of them gets to have them, thanks Locke. Maybe Hanch learned

the technique from Link’s beehive-bashing. Anyhow, during the period in which

Link is forced to briefly return to the settlement in wolf form, he’ll feel

Hanch’s full wrath if he gets too close, with the latter understandably

believing him to be a monster. It’s actually kind of neat, I mean that attack

took me totally off-guard. And it all contrasts very nicely with his unceasing

cries of terror that carry on throughout the process. I just avoided him after

being attacked once, but apparently you can sneak up behind him and startle him

into the water, which, I have to admit, sounds hilarious.

Hanch appears in the ending credits for roughly three quarters of a

microsecond, happy to return to a life without fear.

=============================================================================

H a p p y M a s k S a l e s m a n

Amazingly accurate timekeeper

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Going only by the titular moniker of the Happy Mask Salesman, we have here one

of the weirder residents of the Zelda universe. From an early age, he was

fascinated with masks, especially those with magical properties. His collection

grew to be quite extensive, and he opened up a small shop from which he sold

his wares.

He was having trouble getting business, so he recruited Link as a trader. Link

borrowed masks for his own personal use and, when he encountered individuals

interested in buying, he sold them off on behalf of the shop, keeping a modest

finder’s fee. He sold several masks like this, all of which reappeared in the

next instalment of the series. These actions also fed Link’s altruistic nature

as they helped out their recipients with their personal lives. The ultimate

reward for this mini trading game was the Mask of Truth, which had about three

uses (two of which were pretty trivial.)

He got an interesting makeover for Majora’s Mask, where he spent the entire

game waiting in the Clock Tower for Link to bring him Majora’s Mask, which

Skull Kid had stolen from him. His poly was fundamentally the same, but he

added a giant pedlar’s backpack festooned with odds, ends, cooking pans, and

masks. I expect most of you know this by now, but if you look closely you can

see a Mario mask pinned near his head. Close to it is an Elvis Presley one.

There’s also one that some say is a Darth Maul mask, but if that was the

intent, it’s a far cry from the original. The rest are random generica, though

one looks like it could easily have become the Stone Mask.

The Happy Mask Salesman is best known for his bizarre (I won’t say psychotic,

because he clearly does not have psychosis per se) behaviour. He stands alone

in dank locations. He is obsessed with masks (identity confusion?) and develops

dangerous emotional attachments to some of them. He also slingshots between

emotions more quickly than a Vibe Island denizen, screaming at Link one moment

then smiling pleasantly the next. Also, he rarely opens his eyes. On a possibly

related note, he recognizes Link no matter what form he approaches him in.

He also has a shop in Lynna City, where he figures into Oracle of Ages’ Trading

Game and then serves no further purpose.

=============================================================================

H e l m a r o c K i n g

Winged monstrosity

Race: Helmaroc

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

In Arabian mythology, rocs are enormous birds who live on mountaintops. As I

recall, Sinbad the Sailor encountered one and stole an egg from its nest. I’m

not sure what happened after that, but I don’t think it ended well for him.

This was how the Roc’s Feather dungeon item came into being, but the Kargaroc

enemies first appeared in The Wind Waker. Though they could be somewhat

irritating to take out, they dropped golden feathers that were eventually

traded for a Heart Piece. Like the Helmasaurs, the Kargarocs have a figurehead

who is much larger and more powerful than themselves. (Helmasaur King doesn’t

get a bio because he’s a plain boss without any character.)

When Ganondorf emerges from the Golden Land and sets up shop atop the Forsaken

Fortress, he employs the Helmaroc King to do his bidding. Mainly, he tasks it

with locating and capturing Princess Zelda. He knows she’s out there somewhere,

even if she doesn’t. The Helmaroc King captures several girls who *might* be

Zelda, but as it turns out, none of them are. It eventually finds Tetra, who

really is Zelda, as captain of a merry band of pirates. The scurvy knaves fight

it off and are taken, in the course of the battle, to Outset Island, where Link

sees trouble and comes to Tetra’s rescue. The Helmaroc King swoops in once

again and hauls off Aryll by accident, setting TWW in motion.

They track the Helmaroc King back to Forsaken Fortress, but are thwarted there.

The Helmaroc King hurls Link into the ocean and leaves him for dead, after

which point he doesn’t do anything for quite some time. He and Link finally

square off near the top of the Fortress, where he mostly swoops at Link and

tries to crush him. When he pecks, he gets his face stuck in the stone, at

which point he is vulnerable to strikes from the Skull Hammer.

He is also the boss of Death Mountain Trail in Four Swords Adventures.

=============================================================================

H e n a

Master fisherman

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

When Ocarina of Time was being developed, one of the lead programmers, Morita

Kazuaki, had a sort of ‘secret project’ – a fishing mini-game, the one we found

at Lake Hylia. This was a pretty cool place, so it made it into the game! It

was so popular, in fact, that Morita was assigned to create Hena’s Fishing Hole

for Twilight Princess, which I actually like less, but whatever; lure fishing

from a canoe is neat. Anyway, Hena runs the inexpensive fishing hole, which can

be quite an interesting diversion, though a frustrating one (I only ever caught

one fish :( ).

She may be descended from Hyrule’s most famous fisherman, the bald guy who ran

Ocarina’s place (and the Curiosity Shop in Majora’s Mask.) I find it kind of

funny that the photo is in black-and-white, because the Deluxe Pictograph

hadn’t been invented yet. Jackie Smith adds, 'if you examine his picture, you

can look over at Hena and she'll be scratching her back the same way the

fishing guy would! If you talk to her about it, she'll just brush it off as

something that just happens every now and then. It's pretty funny.' She also

has a picture of herself with a lunker (how vain of her). There’s also one of

her sister Iza, who runs the nearby boat rental place, and her brother Coro,

who sucks at fishing but is pro at making lamp oil.

Like the fisherman from Ocarina, Hena gets mad if Link uses the Sinking Lure,

because it’s unsporting. Unlike the fisherman from Ocarina, however, she will

let him use a different (but still inferior) lure called the Frog Lure if he

can beat eight courses on the Rollgoal game. The Frog Lure requires skilled

hands to use, and so does Rollgoal, so I guess that’s the connection there.

=============================================================================

H e n y a

Fake-tatooed 90s musician

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Henya serves as the mostly well-mannered but sometimes impatient Knight Academy

cook, a position she has held for over 25 years. At the beginning of the game,

she has ordered Fledge to store some barrels, but the poor weakling just can't

do it and needs Link's help. Henya is fond of both pots and her husband Rusta.

No word on whether or not she has a crush on Instructor Horwell or has enlisted

Groose's help to drug him.

=============================================================================

H e r o ’ s S p i r i t

Lycanthropic swordmaster

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

This ancient vestige of Hyrule’s bygone golden age never introduces himself,

and there are few official resources to corroborate his name (except Nintendo

Power, a sometimes dubious source of information), but most people know him as

the Hero’s Spirit, so we’ll just call him that.

And what he does say about himself is allusory at best, but that just enhances

the mystical nature of the character. Ever since Majora’s Mask’s Swordsman

School, there have been a number of individuals willing to instruct the player

in the ways of Hylian combat. Hero’s Spirit, the latest implementation, is

uniquely qualified in that he was actually around in ancient times, when many

actually studied the Way of the Hylian Blade with great dedication. From the

way he talks, he has truly mastered the sword and has surely seen a fair few

battles before he was transformed.

In fact, chew on this: He actually refers to Link as his successor. He most

likely just meant that it was now Link’s responsibility to proliferate the

ancient sword arts, but in context, it almost sounds like Hero’s

Spirit...HERO’S Spirit...is actually Link from Ocarina! Pretty out there, you’d

think, but is it really?

Anyway, he teaches seven techniques over the course of the game – paltry

compared to the Blade Brothers, but he’s just one guy, plus every one of his is

cool and/or useful, which is more than they can say. They’re also progressive,

meaning they grow in strength and animation quality as you go on, and sometimes

require mastery of a previous technique to perform (most commonly the Shield

Attack.) My favourite technique is the Mortal Draw, where Link stands still

without L-Targeting, sword sheathed. Then, at the last second, before the

opponent sees through his ruse, in one smooth motion he draws it and fells them

in a single stroke. If you like, he also spins it around all fancy-like when he

sheathes it.

To learn a technique, Link must locate one of the Howl Stones scattered across

Hyrule. In wolf form, Link must then howl out a specific tune, many of which

are from Ocarina of Time. When he does this, he will be transported

to...‘another dimension,’ I guess, which looks a lot like Hyrule in its heyday.

He and the Hero’s Spirit, in the form of a glowing golden wolf, then join

together in a howling concerto. After that, a spot gets marked on his map and

Link must head over to that location, where he finds the wolf in the flesh. The

wolf then again transports them to another dimension, this one very white with

Hyrule Castle in the background. He assumes the form of a skeletal, armoured

soldier. After testing him on the previous technique, he proceeds to drill Link

on a new one. He tries to introduce them with as much gravity as possible, but

really, Link is in no danger >_<.

The final technique, the Great Spin Attack, is learned right outside the castle

barrier, so it may well be that Link learns it right before the final showdown.

When he has imparted all he knows, the Hero’s Spirit departs this world with no

more than a fierce hope that Link will prevail.

=============================================================================

H i g e m o n b a n

Whisker Monster Group?

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Iroduzki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

So named for his magnificent giant moustache, Higemonban personally guards the

gate to the castle of Emerald City. Though clad in the same green, tin

soldier-type uniform of the rank-and-file, he clearly has some authority

amongst them, as he is seen relaying orders to some of the people around him.

Though at first he refuses entry to Tingle and his dudes, he is happy to let

them in when they are specially summoned to deliver medicine to the ailing

Princess Emera. He is later found incapacitated by an unknown force, but

follows that up by capturing the four impostors who attempted to enter the

castle disguised as the heroes.

=============================================================================

H o H o T r i b e

There’s more of him?

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

I always kind of liked Old Man Ho Ho from The Wind Waker, travelling the seas

apparently, always showing up in unexpected places, looking out to the ocean

and explaining what he was looking at with an exclamation of wonder.

Naturally enough I always assumed he was just himself, but Phantom Hourglass

shows us that he’s actually part of a whole organization. Wearing identical

white coats, top hats, and monocles while sailing about in a tub-shaped boat

similar to those used by the Moblins of Waker, the Ho Ho Tribe spends their

days looking for random ‘things,’ for which they will happily part with useful

items if Link can slake their desires. They have a particular and constant

interest in the Regal Ring, which is an extremely rare find but entails a

massive reward. The chapter leader, Hoiger Howgendoogen, also participates in

the Trading Game by coughing up the Guard Notebook in exchange for his lost

Kaleidoscope. I question the practicality of a kaleidoscope in the Ho Ho

Tribe’s line of work, but whatever makes you happy.

=============================================================================

H o t R o d d e r G o r o n

Would-be bandana-bearer

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

A Goron who spends literally all of his time rolling down Death Mountain Trail

at high speed, apparently because it’s the only way he can relax. Some people

calm down when they get an adrenaline rush, this is an actual thing. The only

way to get his attention is by attempting to murder him, either with a Bomb

Flower or a bona fide Bomb (neither of which you have access to the first time

you read his sign and/or encounter him.) If you actually carry out his

instructions in most places, he’ll tell you to take off, but if you invade his

home and attack him there, he’ll reward you with the Big Bomb Bag. Perhaps

you’ve noticed before that many video games don’t make any good logical sense

much of the time.

=============================================================================

H o n c h o

Cult of personality

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Much like Mike Haggar, Honcho is really just a terrible mayor. Rather than

cause his city crippling economic problems resulting in gang warfare whose only

solution he determines to be punching an old man in the face, however, Honcho’s

failings are at least somewhat less incredible, ranging from being unable to

adequately secure its residents from monster attack to being unable to persuade

its residents to cooperate with each other. To both ends, he enlists Link’s

help, first to arrange each Anouki into a patrol cell of two, with some Spirit

Track additions as his reward; the catch is that half the Anouki in Anouki

Village Kai hate most of the others, meaning they’ll refuse to work with each

other. Link must therefore speak with each of them, put all the pieces together

and figure out an acceptable arrangement for him. (At least Honcho himself is

magnanimous enough to work with anybody.) This is only a temporary measure,

however, as later on, with Link’s transportation provisions regarding body and

supplies, Honcho will contract the Bridge Worker to build a fence to keep out

the wild beasts. He’s incompetent, but well-intentioned and strangely likeable.

I mean, he does his best. He also bears a striking resemblance to his

ostensible ancestor, the Anouki Chieftain of Phantom Hourglass.

Even Honcho points out the fact that his name doubles as his occupation. I

guess I should be relieved that at least I’m not the only one who’s been

noticing this stuff going on.

=============================================================================

H o n e y a n d D a r l i n g

Bakappuru

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

I’m not sure if they ever addressed each other by pet-name in Ocarina of Time,

but if they did then I’m sure they were Honey and Darling just as in its

sequel. Here, they do nothing but embrace in an endless waltz and coo at each

other. Every once in a while they say something borderline noteworthy, usually

having to do with recent events, but it’s sort of hard to discern through the

deluge of mutual entrancement. At least, that’s how it is during the day; after

hours, they just want to spend some quiet time alone, making their decision to

hang out in a market square one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had. After

Hyrule Castle Town is overrun, they relocate to Kakariko Village with the other

survivors.

Their love-love lives on in Majora’s Mask, where they run Honey & Darling’s

Shop in East Clock Town. It’s not actually a shop but a minigame hut whose

offerings change daily; over the course of Link’s stay, they showcase Bombchu

Bowling (much the same as the Bombchu Bowling Alley from Ocarina), Target

Practise (with your Hero’s Bow and all, similar to a whole plethora of things),

and Bomb Basket (akin to lighting the eyes of the giant Dodongo skull in

Dodongo’s Cavern). Though all three games have a time limit, you can

momentarily stop the clock by shooting the couple (...). If Link succeeds at

all three games in a single 72-hour period, he wins a Heart Piece, which is

oddly fitting. Actually, their dialogue at the end of this ‘side-quest’

suggests that their may be trouble in paradise: ‘I wonder...are we truly

happy?’ Still, though, I like to think it all works out for them in the end ^_^.

Honey and Darling are named after a Japanese modern tradition where girls will

call their lovers ‘darling’ (daarin) and guys will come back with ‘honey’

(hanii). From this, we know that the N64-hot redhead is Honey, and the

surrealist painting she goes with is Darling (this type of pairing being

another Japanese tradition of sorts, hence we get stuff like 'Daarin wa

Gaikokujin' and 'Shanhai Hanii.') Armed with this knowledge you can figure out

who’s speaking when when they talk, since lines beginning with ‘Honey’ must be

uttered by Darling and vice versa. At least, it sort of works. It’s basically

incoherent viewed from ANY angle.

=============================================================================

H y l i a

Genesis

Race: Goddess

Appearances: Skyward Sword

This is it, boys and girls: the ultimate deity of the Zelda universe. With a

name like Hylia, I doubt we'll ever encounter a higher power. Her relationship

to Din, Nayru and Farore is uncertain, but she may have created even them; she

is the progenitor of the Hylian race, the previous incarnation of Zelda, the

alpha and omega.

She is, however, not invincible. For whatever reason, a thousand years ago the

dark spirit Demise found himself less than satisfied, and resolved to topple

her from her figurative throne and take over the world she governed as his own.

Unlike most rebellions against the supreme creator, this one actually got

pretty far, and it took every last inch of Hylia's strength to defeat Demise.

Even then, she was unable to kill him; instead, she imprisoned him in an

alternate dimension accessible only through a piece of rock called a Sealing

Spike, which she set in the remains of a temple to her, which had been the site

of their battle. She flung most of the structure into the skies, along with

other bits and pieces, where they were permanently suspended among the clouds.

(Incidentally, I thoroughly recommend the Baten Kaitos games.)

Thus her mortal heirs and servants were sheltered from the chaos that consumed

the earth in the wake of her sudden absence, and when the time was right a

chosen hero would take up a special sword in her name in order to defeat Demise

and finally guarantee the fledgling nation's security. With what power was left

to her she created a number of lesser deities to watch over the land and guide

the hero when he appeared. In addition, she left behind a number of monuments

and other markers to provide the necessary background information. She then

left behind three mission-critical treasures (secured by means of being the

rewards for challenges she felt only the hero would be able to complete), and

inside the sword she placed a living guide to instruct and advise him over the

course of his quest. Finally, her last bits of life dwindling, she took on the

form of a cyclically reincarnating Hylian, whose each iteration would be named

Zelda. With all her dominoes lined up, she could only hope that the hero would

appear to tip them.

=============================================================================

I g o s d u I k a n a

The king is dead

Race: Stalchild (Stalfos, maybe?)

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Long ago, Ikana was a flourishing kingdom in the east of Termina. But trouble

soon came to the utopia as war broke out between the natives of Ikana and the

Garo ninja, both of whom lived in Ikana Canyon. A bloody power struggle ensued.

Apparently, neither side was ever able to actually win. Its history has turned

Ikana into a residence of death and sorrowful memories. The only living beings

Link encounters there are Sakon, Pam, her father, and the modern Garo, whose

clan is still intact. Everyone else is a troubled spirit, a Poe, or something

of the like.

Remember the Composer Brothers, Sharp and Flat? When Sharp attempted to restore

Ikana, he inadvertently raised many of its dead former occupants. Igos du Ikana

returned to rule the Stalfos from the Ancient Castle of Ikana (we can assume

that it did not always have the ‘Ancient’ prefix.) Link is forced to enter the

castle and head for the Throne Room. Here, he must do battle with the king’s

royal bodyguards before fighting Igos du Ikana himself. He attacks with a large

sword, and sometimes detaches his head to spit fireballs at Link. He is

weakened after a few sword strikes, then finally defeated when Link exploits

the king’s new vulnerability to sunlight (new since he died, I mean.) Upon his

victory, Link learns the Elegy of Emptiness, a quest-critical Ocarina melody.

In life, he was good friends with Captain Keeta, who leads the Stalchildren of

Termina. You can wear the Captain’s Hat to fool the king briefly, but he knew

the man well enough to not be fooled by an imposter for more than a

split-second.

=============================================================================

Iiguru

Eagle

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

With his thuggish basketball jersey and green afro, Iiguru bears a passing

resemblance to the legendary Teddy Todo. He is, at first, a fairly dour young

man living in the port of Page 10, unable to find work that suits him. Though

he had previously been an agent of a secret organization within the town, he

didn't like it, and quit, to his mother's constant concern. For her part, she

works at the passport office and regretfully informs Tingle that she cannot

send his application to the next stage of the process without a work

certificate for each applicant. She really wants to help, however, and advises

him to talk to her son, and to address him as Shiishii-chan. They then track

down her son in the West Side, and though he's initially unwilling to engage

them, as soon as he hears his mother's term of endearment he starts grinning

sheepishly and assuring Tingle he'll do anything he needs.

Tingle explains the situation and Iiguru explains that his former organization

will probably have some work for him, but that they must first test his

intellectual worthiness. He gives Tingle the first Agent Memo, which offers a

cryptic clue about how to find the first Agent (who looks exactly like the

Agent class from the first game.) Thus ensues a section of running back and

forth across town in search of Agents who will give him brief challenges. This

culminates in Tingle learning that the clown selling ice cream outside Umineko

Kouen is actually their leader, and the two go to a warehouse swarming with his

mortal enemies: rats adorned with various hairstyles and fashion accessories.

Using Pachinko, Tingle must nail the correct targets while avoiding the decoys,

eventually sending them running off. The grateful head gives him a work

certificate for services rendered, and since Kakashi hasn't been able to find

anything useful to do up to this point he gives him one too, stating that

merely staying out of the way is plenty (Kakashi is, after all, a child).

Later, Iiguru is still searching for work, and his mother is growing ever more

worried about him. Iiguru suggests that Tingle help out by canvassing potential

employers around town, promising to go check it out if something sounds

interesting. One possibility catches his eye, and he rushes off to Umineko

Kouen to learn the art of professional gardening. The gardener tells him to

shove off, and Iiguru runs away in tears. Tingle finds him on the landing over

the tracks, but he's inconsolable. Not having any of that, Tingle whips out

Dekushichi, a young Deku seed, and Iiguru, reinvigorated, rushes back to the

park to try again. This time, the gardener is impressed with his enthusiasm,

but requires him to demonstrate at least a basic knowledge of gardening if he's

going to take him on as an employee. With Tingle whispering the correct answers

in his ear, Iiguru is able to answer all of the gardener's question about

growing Deku trees, and together they begin to cultivate the seedling. This

unlocks a Secret.

Iiguru's mother makes one final unexpected appearance on Page 13, disguising

herself as a guard to free the captured party from their castle prison cell.

=============================================================================

I i j i m a

Foot soldier

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irdozuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

A freshfaced member of the palace guard entrusted with keeping watch over the

prison during the dance party. His youth and inexperience work against him, as

he is easily duped into abandoning his post when Iiguru's mother arrives,

claiming to have orders to relieve him.

=============================================================================

I l i a

Malon wannabe

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Link’s kinda tomboyish childhood friend and daughter of Mayor Bo, Ilia harbours

great fondness for both of them, as well as for Epona. But no matter how hard

she tries, Epona just plain likes Link better. She doesn’t like it, but she

does recognize the bond that Link and Epona share, and as a parting gift for

his journey to Hyrule Castle, she makes him a charm that symbolises the love

between man and beast. However, she is quick to anger when Link injures Epona

slightly by recklessly jumping fences. She seizes the charger and takes her to

Ordon Spring, refusing to give her back. After some coaxing, Link convinces

Ilia to let go of the reins (pun!!) and let Epona take some risks once in a

while.

No sooner has he done this, however, than a portal opens above Ordon Spring and

a gang of Bokoblins storms the village, knocking out Link and abducting Ilia

and the village kids. Somehow, Ilia winds up pretty far away from where they

did – in her case, she finds refuge in the Hidden Village. Impaz, wanting to

leave because of the danger but unable to because of the relic she must guard,

is in a huge dilemma and is very, very worried, especially what with the

Twilight having descended on Lanayru Province. Ilia, ever the good girl, gives

her the charm she made for Link, and tells her how Link will come and save

them. Well, she’s half-right, but not in quite the way she thought.

The next part of her story is a little foggy, but somehow she ends up miles

away in Hyrule Castle Town, all of her memories wiped by severe trauma – she

doesn’t even know her own name. Telma the barmaid takes her under her wing,

letting her live at the bar for a while. When Link finds her there, Ilia

doesn’t even recognize him, but Telma can see it in his eyes. As it turns out,

Prince Ralis could benefit from the healing hand of Renado in Kakariko Village,

and Ilia would be safer there, so they assemble in Telma’s wagon and Link must

guard them from Bokoblin assaults as they cross two plains (going the long

route, because the town’s east bridge is out). Thanks to Link, the trio makes

it to Kakariko safely.

Ilia spends the rest of the game here, but her amnesia (a really, really

overdone cliché; I was disappointed by this development) remains. Towards the

third-last dungeon, Link retraces Ilia’s footsteps and gets the charm she gave

to Impaz, which causes a synapse to fire and restore Ilia’s memories all at

once. The charm, by the way, is a nifty item that lets Link call Epona from

anywhere, instead of just from preset points.

Her father, Mayor Bo, is one of only two humans to have ever sumo wrestled a

Goron and come out on top. Both he and Link cheated, though: They used Bo’s

Iron Boots. By the way, does anybody else think Bo’s moustache makes him look a

little like a boar?

=============================================================================

I m p a

Royal handmaiden

Race: Sheikah

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

The Adventure of Link

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Skyward Sword

Impa is supposed to be Zelda’s nursemaid, handmaiden, teacher, bodyguard and

all-around loyal companion, but if you ask me, she doesn’t do an especially

good job of it. She spends most of her time being injured and allowing Zelda’s

capture. And she doesn’t even bother to show up for her first two appearances:

She just phones it in, briefly summarizing the backstory. In this capacity, she

seems to be something of a chronicler of Hylian lore. She’s one of the few

people who seem to be mildly aware of the Triforce, and she knows all the

secrets of the Hylian Royal Family.

She actually appears in Ocarina of Time, in the flesh. While other games have

her old and frail, practically crippled from her violent adventures, and

wearing a long red robe, Ocarina sees her youthful, energetic and garbed in

battle gear. This is interesting because it offers us our only chance to

observe a real live Sheikah. The Sheikah placed the Gossip Stones and were

responsible for many of the temples in Hyrule, but except for Impa they’re a

no-show. They were the venerable stewards of the Royal Family in ancient times

(mostly during the period when all of Hyrule was at war with itself), but since

then their numbers have dwindled to just Impa. She’s the last surviving one.

Maybe the Sheikah had seen through their intended purpose and were no longer

needed? Killing off an entire race because they have outlived their usefulness

seems a little harsh, but then again, the Three Goddesses did drown an entire

country to stop a single would-be dictator.

Anyway, Impa teaches Link Zelda’s Lullaby early in the game – this is in fact

the tune that she used to play for Zelda to put her to sleep. When Ganondorf

assaults Hyrule Castle, Impa acts quickly and flees with Zelda on horseback.

For the next seven years, Hyrule is plunged into darkness. But Zelda doesn’t go

down so easily. In hiding, she formulates a plan and tries to do it mostly

through manipulation, but she also acts directly. To that end, Impa teaches her

some of the Sheikah’s secret arts and she takes on the guise of Sheik. Everyone

in Hyrule Castle takes cover in Kakariko Village. I don’t think Impa had a

Ganondorf takeover in mind when she drew up the blueprints. When Link beats the

Shadow Temple, it turns out the last surviving Sheikah happens to be the Sage

of Shadow. Whew! What if it had been a different Sheikah...?

Oh, and in the Oracle games she is either possessed by Veran and used to create

catastrophe, or grievously wounded by a group of one-hit enemies, depending on

which game you’re playing. Either way, she takes up residence in a house just

outside of town and helps Link recover that game’s main item. In a main-linked

game, she also opens the way to the side-quest that ends in Zelda’s rescue.

A little old woman named Impaz appeared in Twilight Princess’s Hidden Village.

They both have white hair, her name is clearly a derivative of Impa, and the

Hidden Village is the abandoned but ancestral home of the Sheikah, so perhaps

she is Impa’s distant descendant. Her only purpose is to give Link a book

written in Sky Writing that will let him reach the City in the Sky, but

reaching her entails one of the best sequences in the game, a tense Old West

shootout with a slew of Bulblins set to some of the best musical pieces in the

series. It was so good, in fact, it was even revisited in Link’s Crossbow

Training. So thanks for that, Impaz.

It's safe to say that, like with Fado, the Impa of Skyward Sword is a totally

different character who merely has the same name. Or maybe I'm wrong. That

said, she is still a Sheikah tasked with protecting Zelda, so in any event it's

not like she's a total reinvention or anything. Her look is quite different, at

least, as she seems to be quite young, has a much leaner body type, has gone

blonde, and doesn't carry a weapon, seeming to prefer empty-handed fighting. A

warrior from the ancient past, she sends herself forward in time in order to

protect a pilgrimmaging Zelda, catching up with her just in time to rescue her

from a band of Bokoblins outside the Earth Temple. Zelda has already made it to

one sacred spring on her own, but Impa takes it upon herself to guide her to

the next one; when Link appears seconds later, she gives him lip, basically

telling him he's useless to Zelda as well as tardy. She then takes her to the

Temple of Time, planning on hiding her in the past, where Ghirahim can't get to

her. Ghirahim arrives to try and halt their exodus, but Link once again rushes

in. He buys them a few seconds while Impa takes Zelda through the Gate of Time

(one of two, as it turns out) and destroys it from the other side, preventing

Ghirahim from pursuing. The pair then experiences a great deal of downtime,

until Link finally manages to travel into the past himself. For her part, Impa

simply keeps watch over the Sealed Temple (and the sealed Zelda) – at one point

suggesting to Link that he plant a nice tree for her to wake up to, which he

does, although he has another motive – until Ghirahim eventually barges in,

incapacitating her. She remains out of commission until after Link has defeated

Demise, at which point Zelda and Groose beg her to come back to their time with

them, but she declines, saying she is of her own era. They leave her behind,

but then of course it turns out that the old woman who has been guiding Link

and Groose throughout the game was Impa the whole time. There's sort of a

contrived keepsake hook shoehorned in there, just in case the clothing,

gangliness, braid, teardrop tattoo and plot somehow hadn't tipped you off yet.

In modern times, Link first encounters Impa after arriving at the Sealed

Temple, where she gives him advice on how to proceed and makes cryptic hints

about things that are going to happen later. When Groose begins living at the

temple, she takes him under her wing, nurturing him into the game-changer (so

to speak) that he ends up becoming. She basically spends all her time trying to

guide and manipulate Link into performing the actions who culmination she

already witnessed a thousand years ago, so in a way she is the chessmaster who

ultimately defeats Demise, and Link is merely her Queen, although it's a little

less impressive when you have foreknowledge. Interestingly, without knowing

they're the same person, Groose seems to make friends with her in both eras.

=============================================================================

I n d i g o – G o s

Producers of slammin’ tunes

Race: Zoras

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Indigo-Gos are Zora Cape’s five-man music sensation. Though musical

instruments and music themes have always played a huge role in Zelda, the

Indigo-Gos are its first and only band. Unfortunately, like the rest of

Termina’s residents Skull Kid has been causing them huge problems, some of them

lethal. For one thing, they were booked to play at the Carnival of Time in

Clock Town, where locals celebrate the passing of another year with festivities

and prayer to the Four Giants. But the impending apocalypse has seen their show

cancelled.

Moreover, the evil that has invaded Great Bay Temple has turned their usually

pristine waters barely liveable. Naturally, everybody is a bit down. Once Link

rousts Gyoakku from the temple, however, they spend the rest of the three-day

time period playing in front of Zora Cape’s giant shell. It’s pretty neat to

see them all playing together.

Lulu (vocals) – Her mother was in the original Indigo-Gos, and Lulu’s voice may

be even more beautiful. However, Lulu’s eggs were stolen just before the game

began, sending her spiralling into worry and depression that has robbed her of

the ability to speak. What the Gerudo thieves planned to do with the eggs, I do

not know. As for the father, from a few casual references we can infer that

it’s probably Mikau. Then again, would Nintendo allow such content as

premarital childbirth into one of their marquee titles? Anyway, when Lulu hears

the New Wave Bossa Nova, she sings it for a giant turtle disguised as an

island, who braves the storm surrounding Great Bay Temple in order to deliver

Link to its doorstep. As the wearer of a long, slinky blue dress, she is one of

only a handful of Zora to wear clothes. This is a little odd, considering her

alternate-world counterpart is Princess Ruto, who embraces the customary Zora

nakedness.

Evan (keyboard) – As the band’s moody frontman, he assumes most of the

responsibility for writing their songs. He gets quite offended when the other

members write songs without his input. But their best stuff comes from Lulu and

the guitar-playing duo, anyway. Almost uniquely, he has a number of golden

scales among the typical white and blue ones.

Mikau (guitar) – Mikau is so awesome, he gets his very own profile.

Japas (bass guitar) – Mikau’s good friend, Japas backs him with a guitar

fashioned from a crustacean. The two frequently hold very successful jam

sessions in Japas’s room. They later use these riffs in their songs, much to

Evan’s consternation. Japas styles his fins in a punk-rock style.

Tijo (drums) – Substantially larger than the average Zora, Tijo plays a set of

puffer-fish drums. He seems to be the only band member with all the pieces of

the puzzle regarding their relationships with each other – he knows about Mikau

and Lulu’s secret relationship, for instance. His body is of a different

phenotype than most Zora. My Grade 10 Science teacher enjoyed the Genetics unit

very much.

Toto – I might as well talk about him too while I’m at it. Toto is the group’s

manager. He handles their bookings and appearances. He seems to be relatively

affluent and has made a lot of money from their success, meaning he’s made them

a lot of money.

The Indigo-Gos are best known for their hit single ‘The Ballad of the Wind

Fish.’ That song is originally from Link’s Awakening: Marin taught it to Link

so he could wake the Wind Fish and return home. Lulu wrote the New Wave Bossa

Nova, which, incidentally, revives her near-death (?) eggs and causes them to

hatch when they’re all gathered together. Also, Japas, Evan and Tijo all have

solos on the guitar, organ and drums, respectively.

Indigo-gos is a portmanteau of indigo and go-go. Indigo is a shade of purple. A

go-go is a trend, as in ‘Henshin a go-go, baby!’

=============================================================================

I n g o

Surly farmhand

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Minish Cap

Ingo’s appearance is modelled on Luigi from the Mario series of games, and like

Luigi to Talon’s Mario, he is always playing second best. He spends his days

tending the horses and livestock at Lon Lon Ranch. Since Talon does nothing but

sit in his house all day long and play trivial mini-games with visitors, Ingo

is forced to do pretty much all the work there is to do. He proves himself to

be quite an excellent farmhand and a capable rider to boot, but Talon doesn’t

give him nearly the respect he deserves, keeping him downtrodden with barely

enough of a wage to live on. This has left him frustrated and bitter.

When Ganondorf takes over Hyrule, he kicks Talon out and gives Ingo control of

the ranch. He forces Malon to stay and work for him, under the threat that

he’ll mistreat the horses if she tries to leave. He continues this for seven

years, whoring out the steeds to tourists for brief rides. When Link liberated

Epona, Talon stormed back and wrested control from Ingo. After a time, the two

actually became grudging friends.

In Ocarina, Ingo wore overalls and a green shirt (like Luigi), but he traded it

in for a fancy tunic and ruffled collar for his reappearance as Gorman in

Majora’s Mask. This time he was the leader of a group of performers called the

Gorman Troupe, which chiefly included two sets of twins: Twin brother jugglers,

and twin sister dancers. They were scheduled to perform at the Carnival of

Time, but were cancelled due to the impending apocalypse. Oh, and adding to the

twin theme, Gorman had twin brothers, the Gorman Brothers. (...) If Link saved

Romani Ranch from the aliens on the first night, Cremia would try to deliver

Romani Milk on the second night. But the Gorman Brothers, like they had the

past few times, tried to steal the cargo, so Link volunteered to fend them off

as Cremia drove the milk wagon to town.

Ingo returned with his dignified appearance in a manner not at all having to do

with farming, this time as a money-grubbing landlord in The Minish Cap. Link

was the middleman between him and three sisters, two of whom became tenants.

The last one was out of luck for purposes of game balance.

A character greatly resembling Ingo also appears in Tingle RPG's Lon Lon

Meadow. He's never named as such, but there's not much reason to think it's not

him. He does, like, stuff. Gives you paper or something.

=============================================================================

I n s t r u c t o r O r w e l l

The tolerable one

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Seemingly the younger of the Knight Academy's two teachers, Horwell is known

for his extensive knowledge of animals but never does anything at all.

=============================================================================

I n s t r u c t o r O w l a n

The competent one

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Though he is rather similar in appearance to Horwell, Owlan has white hair

instead of brown, making me think that he's older. Also, he studies plants

rather than animals. This figures into a late-game sidequest in which he

bemoans the fact that he's already finished studying every species of plant in

Skyloft, and longs for a new intellectual pursuit. Link offers to find him

something new to observe, and Fi provides him with a dowsing target...which

ends up being a Kikwi. This particular one, Oolo, is by far the most cowardly,

and wishes he could leave the Faron Woods for someplace a little safer. Seeing

the opportunity to solve two problems in one stroke, Link summons Scrapper and

hauls the hapless creature in the sky, turning him over to Owlan's care. The

old man is delighted and hacks up a bunch of five Gratitude Crystals for the

trouble. He also helps out when Link is attempting to make contact with Levias,

suggesting he bring an offering of Pumpkin Soup and teaching him the Spiral

Charge to fight off the enemy that has possessed him.

=============================================================================

I o n a N a t t s u b a i y a a

Jungirl

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

With their vehicle's power supply running low on Page 6, Tingle and the group

make a stopover in Aomono Village to procure a new one. A short ways down the

path from the station, they encounter Iona. Like most women, she runs at the

sight of him, and thus ensues an entire Page of trying to convince all the

women in the village that he's not a pervert. As with everything else when it

comes to Irodzuki women, this requires no more than a Love Push, and as he goes

around convincing everyone of his benign intentions they slowly start to open

up and help him. Iona's mother, in particular, has nothing but disdain for him

at first but will chat with him about all manner of things after; she even

gives him a chance to work the fields, and believe me you'll need the Rupees

just to finish the chapter. Exhausting her dialogue tree and then retrieving

five smiling mandrakes in the minigame gets you a Secret, too. The game also

notes that she would without doubt be quite good-looking if she were a little

younger, which is kind of terrible. Eventually, Tingle convinces everyone that

he's all right, and one lady makes a call to Iona, who is hiding behind the

security door of her family's shop. The woman will suggest Iona talk with

Tingle, and after he Love Pushes her as well she'll finally come out of hiding.

A slim 19-year-old girl in a loincloth-bra combo with a three-pronged pink

ponytail, Iona is expert in the lore of the area. Even so, the Gasoringo, the

item that the group requires, is a little more rare, and she needs some time to

research it. In the meantime, her father, a stunted little lump of age and

foulness, has Tingle take the shop's monkey, Masaru, in search of coconuts.

He'll pay for every coconut retrieved, but the main motivator is the ability to

grab Torimushi's lost hat from the top of a tree. Eventually, Iona will find

what she's looking for and announce the necessary items: A Gasoringo seed, a

Zekkou Chou, and...I'm sorry, I forgot what else. Somebody please remind me.

Long story short, Tingle gathers all the stuff but Nimidanshaku rents the

rental field before they can, to grow some sweet flowers to give to Iona. This

elicits the opposite of the desired reaction, as Iona becomes inconsolable at

their inability to create a Gasoringo, because by the time the rental field is

usable again Tingle will have missed the dance party he's on his way to. At

this point, however, he receives the ability to go back in time while holding

onto certain items, so he is able to go back to a point earlier in the Page and

rent the field before Nimidanshaku. All is well and, a little later, they are

able to continue on their journey. Iona wipes away her tears as she sees him

off.

...so, naturally, Tingle startles the living daylights out of her when he

appears behind her, ready for another round of Love Pushing. Iona is definitely

the girl most resistant to his attempts (although Emera gives her a run for her

money). First he must wait until he's unlocked Level 2 gifts, and once he's

filled her second heart she says, thanks, but I'm not interested in going to

the dance party. Tingle then has to go talk to her father, who just wants her

to go to the dance party and meet a nice man, and has made her a beautiful

green dress. When Tingle shows it to her, she changes her mind, but then gets

angry when she realises he's been conspiring with her father. A final Love Push

changes her mind one last time, and she brings Tingle to her favourite place in

the village, a clear secluded pond a little ways into the jungle. They talk,

she snuggles up to Tingle, her father and Masaru secretly watch, and she

decides to go to the dance party. Like the other four girls, she appears for

the dance battle and the 'should I stay or should I go' sequence.

=============================================================================

I r i s

The extent of my floral knowledge

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Four Swords Adventures

Originally I thought that Iris was actually Maple, but an alert reader and the

Internets informed me of my mistake. I think it was a fair one to make, though,

considering are both are young apprentice witches who dress in blue and have a

penchant for magical mishaps caused by arcane inexperience. In Iris's case,

she's managed to levitate a house and transport it to the Dark World, much to

the consternation of its occupant. Fortunately our heroic quadrio manages to

right the situation, returning the young man to the arms of his lover.

=============================================================================

I s h i d e e s u

Heart of stone

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Ishideesu is the fountain on Page 2, a statue of a woman pouring a vase fall of

water into the pool surrounding her. Tingle grabs some water from her for

cooking, and later gains the ability to Love Push her. She's quite rigid,

requiring at least Level 2 gifts for a positive response. Beforehand, she'll

turn away when Tingle nears; after, she'll greet him with a dazzling smile. Oh,

she also has a switch on her bum.

=============================================================================

I z a

Altrustic Charon

Race: Hyrule

Appearances: Twilight Princess

The spunky, fearless, afro-toting girl and her younger sister Hena may love

each other, but that doesn’t stop them from being malicious wenches. Nah, it’s

actually just sibling rivalry, really, and the two do seem to stick together in

crisis and help each other out when the time comes, venomous barbs or no. Funny

enough, they both also have an affinity for the water, and ended up opening

water-related businesses in the same stretch of Zora’s River. For her part, Iza

runs a boat rental shop, but finds herself in trouble when a cave-in blocks the

route downwards and occasional Twilight patrols pull through to kill things.

Luckily for her, Link comes to her aid with a handy Spin Attack, and upon

hearing her plight agrees to get her establishment back in operational order. A

few well-placed Bomb-arrows are all it takes to clear out the rubble and open

the way, from whence she begins to offer him the privilege of giving her money.

Just kidding, sort of; she also gives him the Bomb Bag she lent him for the

purposes of helping her, with a capacity upgrade in the offing if he can get a

high score in her mini-game. This is an interesting pastime which patrons play

as they paddle, in order to ‘pass the time’ on their way downriver (>_>).

Keeping close to Iza’s Zora assistant - who’s kind of cute and cool, but

doesn’t have a name - Link pulls out his Hero’s Bow and tries to shoot a number

of coloured pots on his way down the rapids. This was such a fun mini-game, it

was reborn in Link’s Crossbow Training, though he flew solo in that (non-canon)

iteration. At the end of the course, his guide affixes a rope to the boat,

and...drags it and its passenger straight back upriver. O_o

=============================================================================

J a b u – J a b u

Aquatic deity

Race: Giant turtle

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

Jabu-Jabu is a giant green fish-turtle thing with a big blue gem stuck in his

forehead. The Goddesses appointed him as the lesser deity charged with the

overall safety and well being of the Zora race. So much for that. He never says

anything and the influence he chooses to exert is pretty limited. When

Ganondorf attacks, with warlock magic and a third of the Triforce at his

disposal, he easily overpowers Jabu-Jabu, who is never seen while Link is an

adult. The Zora are then unilaterally put on ice, and Zora’s Domain becomes one

big icebox. Their other sanctuary, Lake Hylia, becomes festering with Tektites

and is almost drained by Morpha, who has taken over the Water Temple. Nice

going, double-J.

Like the Great Deku Tree and Darunia, however, he also plays a key role in

helping Ganondorf take over Hyrule: The third dungeon is Jabu-Jabu’s Belly, a

surreal cavern filled with organic contraptions, walls that bleed when struck

with the sword and an infestation of Bari and Biri (electrically charged

enemies that float through the air and look a little like jellyfish.) Link must

allow himself to be swallowed so he can venture into Jabu-Jabu’s digestive

system and make contact with Princess Ruto, who eventually gives him the final

Spiritual Stone.

Like 90% of the polys from Ocarina, Jabu-Jabu’s is reused for Majora’s Mask.

Well, his face is. This time, he’s not a deity, but he’s still a giant turtle –

he’s sleeping in the middle of Termina Bay next to Zora Cape, disguised as an

island. He even has palm trees growing out of his back. When Lulu recovers her

voice, she sings to wake the turtle, who then carries Link through a terrible

storm surrounding Great Bay Temple, the third dungeon.

Jabu-Jabu’s Belly was a pretty creative dungeon, so he reprised that role in

Oracle of Ages. Once again, the Zora worship him and he protects them. The

quest to enter Jabu-Jabu’s Belly and vanquish the evil inside spans both the

Past and Present.

Now, in The Wind Waker, there’s a character called Jabun. I’m not quite sure

what to make of him, but it is generally believed that Jabu-Jabu altered his

body and changed his name, becoming Jabun. A few things in that game are made

pretty clear, like the Zora having become the Rito, but Jabu-Jabu becoming

Jabun is sketchy. Okay, the names are similar, and they’re both water deities,

and they both offer a blue quest item, AND Jabun is one of only a handful of

people to speak the ancient Hylian language (in other words, the language

spoken by the inhabitants of Ocarina of Time’s Hyrule). Hmm, maybe I am sure,

after all.

=============================================================================

J a k a m a r

Hammerer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Possessing a strange name, a laidback attitude, a stylin' 'stache, and an

awesome costume the likes of which might be found at a Japanese festival,

Jakamar is one of the cooler characters in Skyloft. A carpenter by trade, when

we first meet him he is attempting to repair the gate leading to the Bazaar

area of the island, which will turn into something of a theme as Gaepora seems

to have tasked him with all manner of projects throughout the island. A little

later, Link discovers that one of the island's twin windmills, necessary to

continue his quest, has lost a crucial component, the pinwheel that controls

its direction. It's fallen through the clouds and into Lanayru Desert, but

Jakamar offers to put it back into place if Link can find it, and makes good on

his word when he does. In stark contrast to his worrying wife Wyrna, Jakamar is

never too concerned when their tiny daughter Kukiel tries to go on

mini-adventures or disappears for hours. There is, however, no doubt that his

family is more important to him than anything else in the world, and his love

for them is frequently what provides him with the creative inspiration for

innovative solutions to complex repair problems. That said, he's afraid of

heights, which you would think would be pretty debilitating when you live

hundreds of kilometres above the ground.

=============================================================================

J a l h a l l a, P r o t e c t o r o f t h e S e a l

Obese ectoplasmic entity

Race: Poe

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

Jalhalla guarded the Earth Temple’s inner sanctuary, where Link needed to

deliver Medli in order to begin restoring power to the Master Sword. He was

very large, very fat, purple and masked. He is the compliment to the Wind

Temple’s Molgera, Protector of the Seal, but he’s also known as the Master Poe.

In fact, his very body is composed of two-dozen Poes of various colours, though

Jalhalla himself is a single entity.

In either of his incarnations, Jalhalla is susceptible to light being directed

at his mask. The FSA battle is barely worth mentioning, but the Waker one is

pretty interesting. Using the Mirror Shield to direct light onto his mask stuns

him. When Link lifts him with the Power Bracelet and bowls him into the arena’s

spiked perimeter, he breaks into his component parts, which must be quickly

destroyed. He soon reforms and the process must be repeated; he dies when the

final Poe is destroyed.

Jalhalla reminds me a lot of Boolossus from Luigi’s Mansion. Boolossus was a

big boss formed of 15 Boos. When Luigi lured him into one of the place’s

unicorn statues, he would break into the Boos, who then had to be individually

vacuumed up with the Poltergust 3000. Both are ghosts comprised of smaller

ghosts, so I wonder if Jalhalla wasn’t inspired by Boolossus.

I don’t know if there’s a connection, but _V_alhalla is the final resting place

of warriors in Norse mythology.

=============================================================================

J i i c h a n a n d B a a c h a n

Adoptive parents

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

When Tingle awakens after having been sucked into the magic book in which his

adventure takes place, he finds that not only does he still live at home in

spite of being 35 years old, but he also lives on a farm in the middle of

nowhere. This couple, apparently his mother and father in this world, are quite

content in their old age, with the modest living they've built for themselves.

Jiichan looks every bit the farmer, with his tall straw hat, overalls, and a

piece of buckwheat sticking out of his mouth. He's also quite handy, and gets

Tingle to help with one of their giant machines that has broken, and which

subsequently fires him across the pasture. Tingle holds onto Jiichan's

screwdriver, which ends up being the key to several boss fights much later on.

If Tingle pays them a visit afterward, he finds them both flat on their backs

near the house, their skin a sickly green. If Tingle brings back some of the

medicine he prepared to heal Emera, he'll be able to revive them. If he

neglected to grab the note that was near them beforehand, Jiichan will eat it;

if he grabs it before reviving the pair, he can then show it to them, at which

point he will learn that they received a strange package in the mail whose

contents they recently consumed, having hidden it from Tingle until he left, I

think because there wasn't enough to share. They apologize profusely and Tingle

forgives them, unlocking a Secret. As it turns out, Emera met them when she was

a little girl, explaining why Tingle's room contains an Emera clock, poster and

doll.

=============================================================================

J i j i i

Gramps

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

If you're like me, you went around collecting dynamite without really

contemplating Zonmi and her crew's reason for wanting to open the tunnel at

all. It turns out that they're trying to reach Jijii, a bald old man with a

wicker basket strapped to his back. For some time now, he's been stranded on a

small plateau overlooking the port found on the next page, and he's overjoyed

to finally be freed. He gives Tingle some background information before going

and standing in the tunnel for the rest of the game. A skilled herbalist, he

later provides one of the ingredients for Princess Emera's medicine.

=============================================================================

J i n m e n j u u

Tender plant

Race: Tree

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

By now, I think all Zelda fans should be pretty much familiar with the concept

of sentient trees. Jinmenjuu appears in the forest of Page 4, warning Tingle of

the gang of squirrels that basically owns the place, and incidentally

introducing him to his six children, who are all nuts. Literally. They're all

little acorn-like creatures with various facial features and other such little

touches to distinguish them from one another. Nothing much happens on the first

visit to Page 4, but a return trip will yield a side-quest: The squirrels have

stolen all of his children! Tingle must go about the area recollecting them.

Itsuki – The first visit required Tingle to interact with a large hedge that

contained three abnormalities that then moved around, and he had to keep an eye

on the one that visibly had a squirrel beneath it, then tag it with Pachinko

when they all stopped moving. Repeating this same bit will yield Itsuki.

Kiichi – Somehow got dropped into the pond. Tingle must fish her out.

Konomi – Tingle finds her in the big green snake's tree, about to be eaten by a

squirrel. However, the snake appears at just that moment, and attempts to eat

the squirrel. To his sadness, the rodent escapes, and now he won't give up

Konomi until Tingle finds an acceptable substitute. To free her, Tingle must

offer a golden frog in exchange; there's one at the pond. In probably his

cruelest moment, Tingle releases it in front of the snake. It then hops off,

and the snake pursues, but we don't see how it ends.

Mokugi – My note says 'device.' I have no idea what I meant by that.

Mokushirou – Remember when Raion hid under a bell? Then he threw it aside? And

now a squirrel lives in it? The captured Mokushirou lies within as well.

Udoroku – This time, recall the purple bottle of juice that rolled across the

floor when Raion fled the log cabin. If Tingle tried drinking it the Super

Mario theme played and he ran outside, causing Kakashi to cutely warn him that

he shouldn't drink stuff he finds lying on the ground. If you grab it now, you

can give it to the squirrel choking on Udoroku, who will then eject him.

As you might gather by looking at that list, they all have names that are puns

on wood and trees. As you bring each one back, Jinmenjuu comments on the

adventure that particular one has had and implores you to gather the rest. Once

you have all of them, he summons a pelican to deliver them to faraway lands, to

continue propagating the species. He then begins to complain of how lonely he

is, when one final child pops into existence. He names this one Dekushichi and

asks Tingle to find a spot for him to set down roots. The answer lies on Page

10: Tingle must attempt to get Iiguru a job at Umineko Kouen, where a master

gardener is looking to start a new project. Though initially rejected, Iiguru

gathers his courage and motivation once more after being shown Dekushichi.

After convincing the master gardener to take him on, the two begin to cultivate

the seedling, and soon he has grown into a tall, smiling palm tree (in contrast

to his father's more coniferous persuasion.) He then forms a seed of his own,

which he names Kokochan.

Since Jinmenjuu has been lonely, Tingle brings him Kokochan to keep him company

a while longer. Though his need for company is sated, he's still sad about

never being able to see Dekushichi again. Once trees start to grow, he notes

philosophically, they are stuck to that spot for the rest of their lives, so

when they part it's goodbye forever. He's so overwhelmed with sadness he starts

to cry; Tingle comforts him by...no, wait, he harvests some of his tears for

use in Emera's medicine. It turns out that that's exactly what Jinmenjuu

wanted, however, so until it's time for his new granddaughter to inevitably

leave the nest, all is well. I guess.

=============================================================================

J o a n n e

Mermaid

Race: H...Hylian? Gerudo?? Or...or mermaid.

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

The sister of Jolene, whom you’ll read about in just a moment, Joanne is much

less important. She’s ok too though. I could have just missed something really

obvious, but I’m a little unclear as to whether she’s actually a mermaid or

just pretending. Either way, she provides a great deal of amusement to the Old

Wayfarer on Bannan Island, who muses that Link might be able to catch a mermaid

with a fishing rod. Not having a fishing rod, Link instead hits her in the face

with his Boomerang. When he reports back to the Old Wayfarer, he says she’s

probably run off for another man, and when he goes to see Linebeck, the dog

says that yes, he did talk to her, but she swam away. Finally returning to the

Old Wayfarer, he finds that Joanne has settled into the pool of water in the

dude’s house. In thanks for bringing such a beautiful creature into his home,

the Old Wayfarer offers Link a Fishing Rod. Later on, when Link heads off the

coast of Bannan to rendezvous with the Old Wayfarer on the S.S. Wayfarer, he

notes that the mermaid eats too much, and he’s running out of money because he

has to spend it all on food.

=============================================================================

J o l e n e

Strong woman

Race: Looks like Gerudo

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Ok, first thing’s first. By all accounts, she appears to be a Gerudo. What what

what!? I thought they all died in the Great Flood! Meaning either some of them

somehow survived, or these are Gerudo from a land other than Hyrule – how can

either of those things be?? Or they could be the spiritual successors to the

Gerudo or something, or are just weirdly similar to the Gerudo, or it’s just

Jolene’s personal style or something. Whatever the case we’ll probably never

get an answer, and this paragraph may well be the deepest anyone will ever

delve into the mystery, because it’s not exactly a discussion of broad interest.

Anyways, moving on to more important things, Jolene has some kind of history

with Linebeck that isn’t fully elaborated upon, but it’s quite clear Jolene

believes she got a raw deal. She roams the extremely small seas of Phantom

Hourglass in her pirate ship, ostensibly doing piratey things, only to drop

everything the instant she spots the S.S. Linebeck on the horizon. With a

bloodthirsty war cry, she takes off after it, firing torpedoes. Should she

manage to board, she’ll immediately scramble belowdecks, only to find it

Linebeck-lacking but boasting a battle-ready Link. She fights with the Gerudo

traditional curved blade, but her skills definitely don’t match up to those of

the N64 girls. After being bested, she takes off, and Linebeck emerges from the

barrel he was hiding in and offers increasing Rupee rewards based on the number

of times you’ve fought her off, levelling out at I believe 100 Rupees.

She’s a very angry woman. She wears her makeup so it looks like she’s always

glaring hatefully, and I think her teeth become pointed from time to time, but

that may be my imagination. And come to think of it, her hair is brown, rather

than the Gerudo red, so that pokes some more holes in my ‘Jolene is Gerudo’

theory.

Late in the game, Ciela implies that she can clearly tell Jolene is in love

with Linebeck, and it’s just that his shortsightedness and self-hate are

preventing him from realising it.

=============================================================================

J o v a n i

Stealing Midas’ ideas

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

A short, fat little man who sold his soul for infinite wealth. This backfired,

however, because he himself was transformed into riches, and his cat was turned

into a gold figure that sat on top of his head. Since this wasn’t quite what he

was hoping for, and he badly wants to see his girlfriend, Jovani requests that

Link track down the 20 scattered pieces of his soul and return them to him.

When he does, the curse only half-breaks; Jovani can move around and his cat is

returned to normal, but he is still made of gold and his eyes are still rubies.

He gives Link an empty bottle as a reward and asks for all 60 pieces of his

soul, and after receiving such he finally returns to normal and reunites with

his sweetheart.

=============================================================================

J u n g l o

Tarzan wannabe

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

A loincloth-wearing old man living in Deku Forest, which is apparently a jungle

now. A number of years ago, he encountered a dying woman in the forest who

entrusted her baby daughter to him; he raised the girl as his own, teaching her

how to fight and survive. It's clear that he was once buff and handsome, but

has grown a little past his prime. He seems not to realise this, vainly posting

his erstwhile image all throughout the Forest, and boasting about the potion he

imbibes regularly in order to maintain his (rather unimpressive) physique. He

still has his uses, however, and Tingle can summon him to various points in the

area to help with tasks he couldn't accomplish on his own. For example, Junglo

has a pet baboon whom he commands to stretch itself across the span of a

collapsed bridge. The monkey stays there for the rest of the game, squawking

angrily whenever somebody walks across it.

After a few things are out of the way, Junglo confides the truth about Aba, his

adopted daughter, not realising that she is eavesdropping on the two. Shocked

at the revelation and angry with him for concealing the truth, she takes off,

and eventually winds up living with her birth father, the Armourer, in Port

Town. Junglo never sees her again, and nobody ever remarks on this, not even

him.

=============================================================================

K a e p o r a G a e b o r a

Avian manipulator

Race: Owl

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Four Swords Adventures

Kaepora Gaebora is a human-sized owl who periodically swoops in to offer Link

cryptic advice. There is an Owl character in Link’s Awakening who hasn’t been

confirmed to be Kaepora Gaebora specifically, but most fans treat the two as

one and the same (at the very least, KG was inspired by the Owl.) The first

time we saw him was when Link returned to the site of his shipwreck to recover

his sword, at which point the good owl laid out the general idea of his quest.

Throughout the game, he functioned as a plot device who arrived on the scene at

critical moments to explain what was going on and reveal a little more of the

mystery of Koholint Island. He may have been an agent of the Wind Fish, and the

manual mentions he might not have had pure intentions. He performed a similar

function in his three reprisals, letting Link in on what’s been going on while

he’s been at other locations. It is notable that in Ocarina of Time, he did not

even believe in the legend of the Hero of Time, but by the time they met at the

Spirit Temple (the last time), he’d been convinced. He only appears when Link

is a child, since Sheik takes over after that, so his fate under Ganondorf’s

rule is a little ambiguous. Many fans (I’m not really one of them, sorry guys)

find his extended rambling irritating and unnecessary, so he has gained great

notoriety for being annoying.

=============================================================================

K a g o r o n

We Didn’t Start the Fire

Race: Goron

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Bearing a slightly larger beard than an average Goron, Kagoron is also coloured

a lustrous muted beige as opposed to most Gorons’ dull orange-brown. As the

spiritual and political leader of Goron Village in the Fire Realm, he serves a

function similar to the Big Brother role seen in earlier titles. When Link

first visits the community, it is besieged by falling firey rocks and the

resultant blazes. Kagoron has travelled to the top of the mountain in order to

pray for protection from their patron deity at the Altar of the Mountain

Goddess. Link follows him up and hears him out; the Goron prelate implores him

to find something to douse the fires, even giving him a free freight cart for

his train so that he can fetch something, anything, that might help. This turns

out to be Anouki-style Mega Ice, which saves everybody’s lives and wins

Kagoron’s cooperation, as he moves out of the way of the cave he was standing

in front of, thus granting access to the next Force Gem. Later on, he sends

Link a map pointing out treasure in Dark Ore Mine.

=============================================================================

K a k a s h i

Sharingan!

Race: Wara-ningyou

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Kakashi is Tingle's most blindly loyal companion in Irodzuki Chinkuru and the

one that leaves the group the least frequently. He is the first to be

encountered, as well, as he oversees the small crop behind the fortune-teller's

house on Page 2. Though at first he appears to be a full scarecrow (as befits

his name), it turns out that he is actually a knee-high straw doll, and a darn

cute 4-year-old child as well. Tingle convinces him to join his journey to the

City, and is able to make use of his abilities. The first, 'tanomu' (request or

entrust) allows him to command Kakashi to enter small spaces - including those

of boss machines, which comes into play in a couple of fights – which is mostly

used to circumvent obstacles or investigate mysterious cavities. His other main

command, 'wara' (straw) causes him to pull out a piece of his head and prod at

the target, causing them to laugh, or grab on, or what have you. His dialogue

and animations when he does this are quite humorous, especially when he's

instructed to perform the action on an object on which it has no effect.

On Page 3, he manages to beat a crow in a fistfight, although his components

are amusingly scattered everywhere. Moments later, Tingle looks away for a

second only to have another crow grab him and fly off, necessitating an

annoying Pachinko-facilitated rescue mission. In the boss fight on Page 8,

Kakashi does his part by crawling up the Gasoringo plant's base and up its

stem, then hanging from its head, dragging it within easy range of Pachinko. He

gains his third and final ability at the end of Page 10, when the guard outside

Service Hyrule asks to see the medal that he's been showing off the last few

chapters, after which it is immediately stolen by a local boy. They pursue him

to Umineko Kouen, where they persuade him to not drop it into the ocean in

exchange for an action figure they got from a sailor, who in turn received it

as a reward for eating extreme amounts of ice cream; the boy was promised

1,000,000 Rupees from Segaare if he turned over the medal, but he says he

doesn't actually care about Rupees and only wants the toy, proving he doesn't

understand what money is. The medal, as it turns out, is actually quite the

item, as anyone who casts eyes on it is duly impressed. The party tries to make

use of it on Page 11, but is thwarted by Segaare, disguised as a street

performer, who kidnaps the kid, leading to a trek across the desert and into

the bowels of Usotami Village in order to get him back.

He frequently annoys Raion with his ignorance and childishness, leading to a

growing friendship and many comedic exchanges between the two. His most

crippling flaw is his lack of brains, which is made clear quite often by his

complete inability to understand half of what's going on around him at any

given time. In his finest hour, however, he manages to come up with his

first-ever plan, telling Tingle to tie him to a rope and throw him across an

absent bridge so that they may cross. Tingle is able to progress, but a guard

gives chase and both he and Kakashi end up falling into the courtyard.

Fortunately, he returns for the final battle, where he follows up his sudden

presence of insight by providing information on the enemy and ideas for how to

deal with her. After their big adventure, Kakashi returns to the field he had

formerly tended, where he instructs other scarecrows in the art of scaring

crows.

=============================================================================

K a m a r o

Let’s jam!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

A master of all forms of dance, Kamaro died before he could present his

personal perfected form to the world. The work which becomes a new genre itself

will revolutionize the world of dance, but alas, in his present condition

Kamaro is in no state to be spreading the word. Luckily, Link is a shrewd lad

who finds himself wandering Termina field one night between midnight and 6:00

AM, when suddenly he spots the wisps of blue fire that point out Kamaro’s

distant ghost (little blue fires seem to represent ghosts quite often in

Japanese fiction. It has to be a folklore thing.) Hopping over the dry levee

(or is it just a harsh, long winding river where those flowers float?) to the

tall, mushroom-shaped rock in the middle of the river, Link encounters one of

the creepier characters in the Zelda universe: a long, lanky, emaciated,

shirtless, deathly white old man with an elongated head, overpronounced

cheekbones, green-coiffed topknot and no pupils. He’s stuck perpetually

practising the dance he dreamed up, unwilling to let it slip away but unable to

do anything to the opposite effect. All of this is done to some utterly sweet

Persian flutes.

Recognizing a troubled soul when he sees one, Link whips out his trusty Ocarina

of Time and plays a pivotal little ditty we like to call the Song of Healing,

which is supposed to soothe the confused and allow them to let go of any

attachment they still feel towards the world of the living. Unfortunately for

Kamaro, in his case it’s not so simple. His creation, he explains, simply

cannot go unlearned, but leaf-like medium that he is, Link is prepared and more

than willing to take on the burden of learning it. Startled and pleased at the

sudden appearance of a student, Kamaro eagerly imparts the meticulously

designed routine he’s worked out, which Link is then able to duplicate with

flawless fidelity upon donning Kamaro’s Mask, which materialises in his hands

shortly after. True to his promise that the fruits of Kamaro’s labour will make

their way to the ends of the earth, Link teaches the dance to the Rosa Sisters,

who even end up performing it for half of Termina at the Carnival of Time.

Secure in the knowledge that his moves will be passed on, Kamaro does the same,

finally able to play freely without fear of risky things.

Shout-outs to the similarly named Great Kamroh from the Baten Kaitos duplex,

one of my very favourite experiences of the entire sixth hardware generation.

=============================================================================

K a m o

Mooner

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Kamo is the bowl cut-sporting guy on the steps leading up to Windfall Island’s

market. He’s sort of like a lot of us when we were teenagers: He doesn’t talk

to anyone unless they’re outgoing enough to talk to him, writes depressing

poetry, and claims that nobody understands him. The only way he’ll believe that

you do is if you bring him a picture of the full moon (his allusion to which is

vague yet painfully obvious), which requires you to first wait for one since

it’s not worth it to cycle through days and nights over and over just for him,

then snap a quick pictograph, head back to the island and shove it in his face.

He’ll give you a Treasure Chart leading to a Heart Piece to express his

gratitude, though for what I’m not exactly sure. The source of Kamo’s pain is

his probably unrequited love for Linda that he just can’t bring himself to

confess, hence his fascination with the moon, an equivocally beautiful object

that fills his nights where Linda doesn’t.

=============================================================================

K a r a n e

Cheerleader

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Though the Knights who rescue Link when he falls off Skyloft are sometimes

female, Karane is the only girl at the Academy with whom we actually interact.

So that makes her the most popular girl in school. She has a mutual crush on

Pipit, and you can get them together if you want to, but before you do you have

to deliver a Love Letter to her from Cawlin. To her credit, Karane is impressed

with the gesture and legitimately considers dating him, but ends up following

her gut and confessing to Pipit, who commiserates. Then they become the popular

steadies and the king and queen of the prom! If it's not clear by now, I've

been trying to paint the Knight Academy as the setting of a high school drama.

Also she complains that someone is always hogging the bath in the evenings.

=============================================================================

K e a t o n

Ninetales’ distant cousin

Race: Keaton

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

In Japanese folklore, foxes are creatures with magical ability. They are also

very long-lived, and they grow more powerful as they age. Every hundred years

they grow another tail, until they reach their maximum strength of nine tales.

This legend has appeared in quite a few video game forms, and the Keaton is one

of ‘em. Keaton is a golden-furred fox who appears to those wearing a Keaton’s

Mask, which serves three roles in the N64 games. In Majora’s Mask, once

summoned the Keaton will have Link answer trivia questions, the reward for

which is a Piece of Heart or Rupees. Keatons are said to be mischievous but

incredibly wise animal spirits.

=============================================================================

K e e t

Probably related to Dovos

Race: Hylian

Appearanes: Skyward Sword

The fact that Keet never seems to do anything but loiter around the Lumpy

Pumpkin pretty much says it all. Seriously man, go to school or get a job. He

has a crush on Kina but keeps it to himself, which is really for the best

because she deserves better. He observes her and Link's duet, helping to keep

the player on time; between him and Rusta, I personally find Keet easier to

follow.

=============================================================================

K i d T o a d s t o o l

Fun guy

Race: Toad

Appearances: Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland

A Rupee Good, Kid Toadstool apparently went to Hollywood in the hopes of making

it big in pictures, but has yet to have a studio offer him a contract.

Something like that. I'm guessing it's a Hylian folk tale. And he's not

actually a Toad. That was a joke. If anything, he'd be a Puffstool, or one of

those enemies from Kirby.

=============================================================================

K i k i

Bipedal warm-blooded mammal

Race: Monkey

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Twilight Princess

Kiki is a monkey who opened up new areas for Link, but only if he thought he

was going to get something out of it. Players were startled to find Kiki

tailing them when they emerged from the hedge maze. For a large sum of Rupees,

Kiki opened up the gates of the Dark Palace, being one of only a few monkeys

who knew the trick to it. Similarly, he opened the gates to Kanalet Castle on

Kohlint Island in exchange for a bundle of bananas. There are also monkeys in

Twilight Princess. None of them is specifically named, but if one of them did

have a name, it’s a good bet it’d be Kiki, and it’d probably be the pink

bow-wearing one. These monkeys are struggling to wrest their domain, Faron

Woods, from the grip of Twilight, and they enlist Link to help. After Link

rescues each of them, they return the favour by propelling him to the boss

chamber.

============================================================================

K i k w i s

Friendly mandrakes

Race: Kikwis

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Both plant and animal, the Kikwis are a small tribe of mostly diminutive

pacifists who make their home in the Faron Woods. Their disposition and general

lack of practical skills make them quite helpless during the crises that

frequently wash through the region, and as a result badly hiding is their only

recourse. They are, however, well-intentioned and more often helpful than

burdensome.

Bucha – Though most Kikwis come up only to Link's knees, Bucha is roughly twice

as tall as he is. Perhaps this is because, as the Elder, he is the oldest and

has thus had the most time to grow. Though not much more useful than any of his

subjects, he is always willing to offer a spot of advice and a contemplative

'kyu-kyuuuuu.' When the Faron Woods flood and Link is forced to search the

water for Taptones, Bucha even shouts down instructions and warnings from his

vantage point on a floating lily pad. He also mobilizes his people from a

command centre when monsters first invade the forest.

Machi – In some ways the 'main' Kikwi, Machi is the first one you encounter and

also the one who sets you the task of finding and gathering the scattered Kikwi

forces, prompting Fi to add Kikwis as a dowsing target. Screw dowsing,

seriously. Of course, before you can talk to him you have to chase him down and

convince him you're a friend, which sort of ends up being a pattern.

Oolo – The most cowardly of the Kikwis, Oolo is consequently the best at

hiding, and still very bad. He's terrified of basically everything and wishes

he could live someplace safer. Link obliges and takes him above the clouds to

live with Owlan, where he's able to live an even quieter lifestyle than before.

Bucha may sometimes ask how he's enjoying it.

Lopsa – Actually, Lopsa is the most cowardly Kikwi, he just doesn't do anything

about it.

Erla – The Kikwi with the coolest mask and the greatest carelessness.

Yerbal – Unlike the other Kikwis, who live on the forest floor, Yerbal has made

his home at the top of the Great Tree, where he sleeps constantly and refuses

to participate in Kikwi society, hence his title of Kikwi Hermit. He must be

awoken with the Slingshot (because somehow sharp Arrows fail to rouse him)

before you can chat, at which point he explains how to enter Lake Floria. In

spite of his assurance that he'll always be there if you ever need some sage

wisdom, he never has anything to say.

============================================================================

K i l i, H a n n a, a n d M i s h a

Fangirls

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

I have to confess, I never even realised that the trio had names until I read

about them elsewhere on the Internet, which sort of backs up my assertion that

Twilight Princess named a whole bunch of stuff that had no business being

named, for no rational reason. If these are the girls I remember from when I

played the game, then I always took them to be in their early 20s, but then I

read in yet another source (since I had to research them) that they’re probably

more around 10. Bleh. Either way, the girls, clad in the colours of the Three

Goddesses, hang around the STAR Game in order to catch a glimpse of Purlo and a

snatch of his soothing manly voice. After Link wins the thing, they fall in

love with him too, but they’re too shy to throw themselves at him so they run

away instead, dropping Recovery Hearts in their wake.

============================================================================

K i l l e r B e e s

Windfall Elementary School Hide-and-Go-Seek Club

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Clearly inspired by the Bombers Gang, a similar group of youngsters from

Majora’s Mask, the Killer Bees are a group of truant troublemakers who pull

pranks and raise hell for everyone around them, particularly their teacher,

Miss Marie. Doesn’t seem they particularly have a problem with her, more like

it’s just something interesting to do.

Their well-intentioned overlord enlists Link, as a sort of super-cool big

brother figure they’ll try to look up to and imitate, in an attempt to curb

their yankii tendencies and bring them back into her folds. Her plan backfires

mildly, and instead they challenge Link to a straight-up, no-holds-barred game

of hide and seek. This played out in almost exactly the same manner as the

Bombers’ cat-and-mouse challenge, except without any kind of time limit (not

that it ever really made a difference in the first place.) The kid who makes

his way to the beach area and cleverly hides in the middle of an open field is

the most difficult, partly because he has so many careers of flight, and partly

because Maggie’s father will sometimes run at you and spring open an

unavoidable dialogue sequence that takes a hundred years no matter how zestily

you mash the A button, giving your quarry time to make good his escape. Shut

up, old man. I was two frickin’ feet away from the kid and then you interrupted

me. I already listened to your spiel. I’ll save Maggie when I get to it.

Please, please leave me alone now.

After being thoroughly defeated in the sport of kings, the Killer Bees not only

submit to Link’s will but acknowledge him as their one true role model, which

is great really, because a young boy could do much worse for a role model than

someone who constantly puts his own life on the line for the sake of protecting

not only those dear to him but total strangers as well. The only downside to

this is that from that point on, whenever Link enters the Windfall Island town

square the squad immediately detects him, homes in, and swarms his location,

refusing to piss off until he puts some space between himself and the square or

goes somewhere they can’t follow, such as up a ladder and onto a ledge; even

then, they’ll huddle at the bottom of the wall, ready to resume their assault

as soon as he lands. Guys yeah, please go play or something. They must have

been taking lessons from Maggie’s father.

As part of their reformation, the kids look for a way to apologize to Miss

Marie, and since they’ve heard she quite likes Joy Pendants, they decide that

one of those will do nicely. Somehow they find one, way up a tree, but to their

disappointment, they have no means of getting to it. After a while they elect

to sleep on it, but since they’ve been kind enough to point it out, Link just

goes and grabs it so he can earn kudos with the teacher himself. What a dick.

The Killer Bees are as follows:

Ivan, the lord – leads the Killer Bees as their lord in their various

endeavours after deciding what they are. Ivan does the most talking and as a

result he’s also the rudest, at least pre-subjugation. He probably has a good

balance of talents. Renaissance Man?

Jin, the shadow king – it may be that Jin’s position of ‘advisor’ means that

he’s the one actually directing the actions of the group as a sort of shadow

king; we may never know for sure. Even if he isn’t, we can probably surmise

that he’s the most intelligent of the group.

Jan, the enforcer – sadly, this is where my vague anime reference starts to

fall apart. Well, Jan is clearly the biggest of the quartet and therefore the

one relegated with more muscular tasks. Since this is a Nintendo game and

nobody can be both strong AND smart, he’s probably stupid.

Jun-Roberto, the Aldaris – treachery! Jun-Roberto plots and schemes night and

day to wrest control of the Killer Bees from Ivan and slash open a new era in

its history. Yeah, ok buddy, you know what? Even if you somehow achieved your

sorry ends, the others would never follow you because you’re useless. That’s

why you joined the group in the first place, because if you were strong you’d

either be an independent Mugen or you’d have gathered subordinates of your own

and formed a competitor or at least contemporary. So, no.

The group dynamic seems to be getting along pretty well as it is.

============================================================================

K i n a

Pumpkin princess

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Young, cute, colourfully dressed, elaborately coiffed, and possessing a

beautiful singing voice, Kina is surely a heartbreaker about town. She spends

her time working as a waitress at the Lumpy Pumpkin, a small restaurant owned

and operated by her father, shaped like a pumpkin, and set on a small island a

ways away from Skyloft. At first she's a little sharp with Link, especially

after he breaks the chandelier, but she comes around to him after a while. In

the second labour he must perform to recover the cost, it's Kina who instructs

him in harvesting pumpkins, and she who issues the bizarre challenge of doing

it in stacks of five at a time. She does, at least, pay out Rupees for

repeatedly completing the task without smashing any. For his third and final

task, Link provides a harp accompaniment to Kina's nightly singing performance.

It's a fairly finicky and unclear minigame that's frankly more annoying than

fun, but it's a cute concept. Finally, Kina's father wants her to plough the

fields, but she complains that a tiny girl like herself just isn't up to it. In

response, Link delivers her the Mogma chieftain, who's initially chapped at

being handed such mundane work just because he's a mole, but is convinced to go

the distance for her after one glance at Kina. She forms a bunch of five

Gratitude Crystals as a result.

============================================================================

K i n g B u l b l i n

Silent antagonist

Race: Bulblin

Appearance: Twilight Princess

This guy is actually pretty cool. Bulblins, the main field enemies in this

game, are much greener and more orcish than their contemporaries, and this guy

is the biggest, strongest, fattest one of all. He’s a skilled Bullbo-rider

(having domesticated the mighty Lord Bullbo), he carries a giant axe, his eyes

glow orange, and he has two wickedly curved horns on his helmet. Link first

encounters him in Kakariko Village, when he taunts Link by hoisting Colin onto

a pole and riding around with him waving high in the air. Link quickly mounts

Epona and gives chase, hacking past his cronies and eventually forcing the

nameless boss into combat. This essentially amounts to a jousting match set on

Eldin Bridge. When Link wins, the boss seemingly falls to his death and Colin

is rescued. But wait! Part of guarding Telma’s wagon on its path from Castle

Town to Kakariko involves jousting against the guy again, though this time it’s

slightly harder – and he’s missing a horn, because it broke off when he fell.

He’s once again sent plummeting to his apparent doom, but reappears when Link

storms their base camp in the Gerudo Desert. This time, they skirmish on foot,

with the big man swinging around a bigger axe that causes all kinds of

collateral damage as they fight. They have one final showdown in Hyrule Castle.

He introduces himself with the first words he’s spoken all game, ‘I have come

to play.’ When Link bests him one final time, he sees the light and switches

sides. He’s always fought for whichever side seems to be the strongest – he has

nothing against Link, as war and pillaging are just a way of life for him. He

concedes a Small Key that Link needs to progress. Now why would Ganondorf

entrust such an important item to an agent whose loyalties are so shaky?

We see him one last time in the end credits, riding merrily across Hyrule Field

with his buddies.

=============================================================================

K i n g M o b l i n

Big bully

Race: Moblin

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

King Moblin is another one of those ‘ordinary enemies with extraordinary

superpowers, not to mention greater mass,’ if we do not deem such a label too

unwieldy. He appeared only in the Game Boy games, mainly as someone who

terrorized the nearby population. He first swarmed over Mabe Village on

Koholint, instilling fear in the inhabitants and kidnapping Madame MeowMeow’s

doggie, a Chain Chomp named BowWow. Link had to liberate BowWow from King

Moblin, who mostly had a charging attack, in order to enter the Bottle Grotto.

In the Oracle saga, where he was known as Great Moblin, he was less lean,

greener, and chucked oversized Bombs, which had to be tossed back to damage

him. In Seasons, he harassed and tolled people from Sunken City, while in Ages

he oppressed the Gorons and was responsible for their Elder being buried in a

rockslide.

=============================================================================

K i n g M u t o h a n d h i s K n i g h t s

Ancient stalwarts

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

King Mutoh was the ancient sovereign of the defunct Cobble Kingdom, which ruled

the waters thousands of years before Phantom Hourglass. As a high-profile

person of interest, he was guarded by a retinue of four loyal knights:

Brant, the 4th Knight – garbed in blue

Bremeur, the 3rd Knight – clothed in green

Doylan, the 2nd Knight – clad in yellow

Max, the 1st Knight – dressed in red

Brant, as it would follow, is the weakest Knight with the least standing, while

Max is the most powerful and mighty. All four are massively tall and

barrel-chested, as is King Mutoh himself, which may suggest that the Cobblers

were a very large people, or maybe it’s just their thoroughbred upbringing.

More telling is their pseudo-Egyptian clothing, which consists of those

Pharaoh-style hats and striped beard-cappers, which goes along with the general

Egyptian theme of this part of the game.

In his quest for the third and final Pure Metal, Aquanine, Link gets a tip from

Astrid that he should head to the Isle of the Dead and investigate. Here he

encounters Brant, who was entombed along with Mutoh and his three

contemporaries in order to keep the king safe even in death. The guardsman

instructs Link to visit the Isle of Ruins, where the Cobble Kingdom once sat,

and gives him the Regal Necklace, necessary for entrance. Upon reaching the

island, Link quickly locates Bremeur, whose tomb controls the island’s drainage

system, but which has a failsafe in the form of the key being elsewhere.

Crossing the island and braving the dangers of Doylan’s temple, Link meets the

Second Knight and gains the King’s Key, with which he lowers the island’s water

level, revealing the complex network of walkways, stairs and footpaths that

winds its way throughout the entire island, eventually leading him to Max’s

Temple. Max, however, is unable to allow himself to just let a stranger go

stomping around in his liege’s tomb, so he tasks the Hero of Winds with a

puzzle he sets that requires him to figure out the ancient kingdom’s

once-famous iconography. After passing this test, Link is finally able to enter

Mutoh’s Temple.

Much like the smaller tombs of the knights, Mutoh’s Temple is built in the

shape of a giant golden pyramid, with all manner of traps to thwart would-be

graverobbers and a slew of long-dead Stalfos and other dangerous monsters.

After braving the temple’s dangers and defeating Eox, a massive stone soldier

that was basically holding Mutoh’s soul hostage, Link meets the ghostly king,

who expresses his thanks for restoring peace to the temple and his slumber, and

his wonder at the ability Link has on display. In addition to a huge birdlike

belt buckle, cascading shoulder plates, and round metal hat, Mutoh wears a

sweeping regal red cape not dissimilar to those of the various Kings of Hyrule.

Also, no shirt; he’s king of a very warm kingdom. Upon seeing the three Spirits

that Link has accumulated, Mutoh realises that the boy is an ally of the Ocean

King, and though unable to do anything to personally help in his present state,

he’s only too happy to hand over the Pure Metal so that Link may continue on

his quest. After that, he returns to his deathly rest, perhaps never to

reawaken again.

=============================================================================

K i n g o f R e d L i o n s

Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

When the Three Goddesses drowned Hyrule, a sea formed over it and it was frozen

in time. All the occupants were either dead or suspended. But its king, Daphnes

Nohansen Hyrule, remained, awaiting the opportunity to rebirth his homeland.

To facilitate his efforts, he took physical form above the waves, where he

would be able to exert just enough influence when the time came. Curiously, he

chose to do this in the wooden body of a red boat with a regal, bestial,

talking figurehead. When the Helmaroc King threw Link into the sea, King of Red

Lions rescued him and then drifted to Windfall Island. From here, he directed

Link as he sought to gather the Goddesses’ Pearls.

The boat was quite modular, able to zip along by sail, fire a cannon, and haul

up treasure with the Grappling Hook. King of Red Lions was Link’s only way to

cross the endless stretches of blue ocean between islands. He was also this

game’s Navi, periodically offering gameplay hints via Tetra’s pendant (taking

over from Tetra after Link’s first visit to the Forsaken Fortress.)

He revealed his identity a little more than halfway through the game, when Link

and Tetra headed down to Hyrule so Daphnes could point out the fact that she

was Zelda without even knowing it. He is shown in the game’s final sequence,

when the three combat Ganondorf (though he himself does not actually partake in

battle.) At the end, the water ceiling collapses on Hyrule, sealing it forever.

The game’s a little coy about the king’s fate, but it seems he drowned.

Regardless, there is some poetry in his brave sacrifice of self and kingdom in

hopes for the future.

=============================================================================

K i n g Z o r a

Whole wheat, whole wheat

Race: Zora (betcha didn’t see that one coming)

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Ages

Most members of his species are lean and athletic, but King Zora is frankly

immense. He’s three times Link’s girth. How can those scrawny little legs

possibly support that much weight? I guess they can’t, because he spends all

his time sitting on his proportionately massive throne, from which he governs

the Zora people. King Zora XVI seems to be relatively well liked by his

subjects, though without the blind adoration afforded Darunia by the Gorons.

His main purpose is to block off the way to Jabu-Jabu until Link finds Ruto’s

letter-in-a-bottle, at which point he scooches over to let him pass. (He again

bars the way to Jabu-Jabu in Oracle of Ages, but in a political rather than

physical sense.) When Ganondorf takes over, he encases all of Zora’s Domain in

ice, and many of its inhabitants in red ice. When Link thaws King Zora using a

bottle of Blue Fire, he explains the situation, directs Link to the Water

Temple, and gives him the Zora Tunic if he hasn’t already bought it.

King Zora isn’t the first Zora sovereign in the Zelda series, though. In A Link

to the Past, a creature called Zora lived at the fountainhead of Zora’s River,

selling the occasional pair of Zora’s Flippers. Lots of Zora look really

different than the stock models, but Zora was just a really big Zola – I guess

he was to the Zora people what the Helmaroc King was to Helmarocs.

=============================================================================

K n o w – i t – A l l B r o t h e r s

Insufferable

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Know-it-All Brothers have a very rare talent: Though very intelligent, they

all have the ability to explain things clearly and without patronizing the

listener. They hang out in their house near the Forest Training Ground, waiting

to explain some of the all-new mechanics to beginners.

=============================================================================

K n u c k l e

Possessed fiend

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

In spite of being an utter sycophant to his older brother to the point of

emulating his style of dress - though with blue in place of of green - Knuckle

is a complete handful to the point that Tingle cowers before him, warning Link

that he can’t control him when he gets angry. Like David Jr and Ankle, Knuckle

spends most of his time walking around and around in circles pushing on handles

attached to a pole, so that the giant effigy of Tingle’s head at the top of

Tingle Tower on Tingle Island can be made to spin. He leaves the others

straddled with the entirety of the task much of the time, though, as evidenced

by the fact that he completely just wanders off to Outset Island for no real

reason. This entails a short sidequest that involves you allowing Knuckle to

boss you around for a while; basically, he gives a series of vague instructions

about where to go, and after deciphering what the hell he means by certain

things you travel to that location, play around with the Control Stick until

the game recognizes you’ve reached your destination, and then listen to the

next clue. After five or six rounds of this, Knuckle gives the unwelcome news

that you’ll be seeing him around a whole lot more, because he’s hijacked one of

the functions of the Tingle Tuner and replaced it with an inferior one. Nah,

it’s actually situationally useful, but as I recall the one it replaced was

actually one I wanted. Don’t remember what that one was, but Knuckle’s function

served as a shop you could access from anywhere via the Tingle Tuner. Now you

have to admit that IS pretty cool, and often more convenient than running

through bushes for ten minutes looking to gather the supplies you need, and

also allows for otherwise unprecedented records at the Flight Control

Platform’s Bird-Man Contest, since you can buy a Green Ting halfway thr--no

wait never mind, that’s a function of the regular Tingle Tuner. Yeah, I guess

Knuckle is useless.

In The Minish Cap, he merely sits atop a plateau and offers to fuse Kinstone

pieces. So doing at a sufficient number of chronological junctions with the

entirety of the tetran squadron will result in the unlocking of a variety of

hitherto extremely well-hidden articles.

=============================================================================

K o k k o s a n

Mah Jong piece

Race: Cucco

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

A hen owned by Ojiisan and Obaasan; Tingle requires her unborn children, and so

must distract her with chicken feed so that he can steal them for later murder.

=============================================================================

K o m a l i

Snivelling bird prince

Race: Rito

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Komali offers the single greatest example of character development in the

entire Zelda series, at least until we get to Groose. All right, Zelda is not

generally known for its intense, character-driven plots (but rather for its

epic storytelling), and Ganondorf’s a pretty good one too, but Komali

definitely evolves as the story goes on. When we first meet him, the Prince of

the Rito is so agoraphobic he never leaves his room unless he absolutely has

to. He clings (figuratively and literally) to his Din’s Pearl, an object from

his early childhood that comforts him. He’s dependent on it and unwilling to

part with it. He’s also rather infatuated with Medli, the Great Valoo’s

attendant, but can’t work up the courage to tell her. Worst of all, though he

could long ago have confronted Valoo and earned a scale that would start his

wings growing, he has been too afraid to do so.

Seeing Link stride boldly into the volcano and defeat Gohma stirs something

inside him, however. He not only leaves his room, he gives up Din’s Pearl so

Link can continue his quest. He then immediately gains his dragon scale and

learns to fly. When Link returns to Dragon Roost Island, he’s looking for Medli

so he can give her a flower he picked, though it seems he never does get to

tell her his feelings. He seems a touch arrogant at this point, which annoyed

me. At the end of the game, he is part of the rescue party that hauls up Link

and Tetra when they appear on the surface of the Great Sea. He’s gone from

being a snivelling wuss to an active ally – good job, Big N.

=============================================================================

K o r t z

Objection! (SiO2)

Race: Mogma

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Like his compatriot Nackle, Kortz has a small beard. Also, he teaches us that

Bombs explode, and that, as you will already know if you have played any other

3D entry in the series, we require a Bomb Bag if we are to transport and handle

them safely. When we return to Skyview Temple on our second run, this time to

retrieve some Sacred Water, we find that, frustratingly, Kortz has appeared in

search of treasure, arbitrarily moved a bunch of stuff around, and then

forgotten what he did with it all, artificially lengthening this portion of our

quest by quite a bit. Following the defeat of the Eldin Bokoblins, he takes up

residence in one of the houses they left in the Mogma base, apparently all so

that he could see what it feels like to say 'welcome to my place!' It's pretty

funny. But, yeah, it seems like he lives there now.

=============================================================================

K o u m e a n d K o t a k e

Senile surrogates

Race: Gerudo maybe

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Without the experimental magician twins, Hyrule would have been saved an awful

lot of trouble. When Ganondorf was born, they raised him as his surrogate

mothers, indoctrinating him with warped ideologies that would shape his

ambitions and, thus, the fate of Hyrule itself. The two are fairly magically

adept, but their power is limited in scope: They are skilled in elemental magic

– Koume (red) wields fire, while Kotake (blue) controls ice – but to achieve

great effects they tend to rely on sacrifices and elaborate rituals. Perhaps to

compensate for this limit, they are able to combine their powers and become

Twinrova, wherein they share a slightly less ugly body with the powers of both

fire and ice. The secret to defeating the duo is using the Mirror Shield to

reflect their magic, sending their own attacks right back at them.

They might not have Ganondorf’s genius, but they too do their fair share of

scheming. One of their smartest acts was to magically brainwash Nabooru, the

Sage of Spirit and leader of the resistance against Ganondorf, and imprison her

in Iron Knuckle armour. This essentially cut off the resistance movement until

Link was able to free her. What’s more, they are behind all the trouble caused

in the Oracle saga. By unleashing General Onox and Sorceress Veran, their

intent was to light three mystical flames: The Flame of Sorrow, the Flame of

Destruction, and the Flame of Despair. They succeeded in lighting two of the

three but required Zelda to light the third. After much struggle they

eventually did, freeing (or perhaps resurrecting) Ganon, which unfortunately

for them didn’t last long.

Though the real-world versions are fundamentally evil, their alternate-universe

counterparts in Termina are really just sweet old ladies. They run a joint

Potion shop in Southern Swamp, near the Woods of Mystery. Skull Kid beats up

Koume, but she returns to fighting form when Link brings her a Red Potion.

After that, she offers tours of the swamp in her boat.

=============================================================================

K o u n B o u y a

Corn Boy

Race: Doll

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

Would you believe, a talking doll that lives in Piitaa's house and teaches

Tingle how to use Pachinko? Because that is what we have here. He looks like an

opened ear of corn with arms, legs and googly eyes. He's a very nice young man.

His name is the answer to one of Chekeo's quiz questions.

=============================================================================

K u k i e l

Adventurous child

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Skyward Sword

Looking like a feminized, less creepy Malo, Kukiel is a spirited little toddler

with a youngster's yukata and a taste for exploration. This causes no shortage

of panic for her mother, while her father just kind of shrugs it off and

assumes everything is fine. Kind of the Fujiwara Bunta school of parenting. At

one point she disappears completely, causing everyone on the entire island to

worry, but she's merely below it, hanging out with her friend Batreaux. At

first her screams make it seem she's in trouble, but it turns out that the two

are merely playing the Scream as Loud as You Can Game. Later, Kukiel asks if

the Temple of the Goddess fell out of the sky because she was disobedient,

which is adorable.

=============================================================================

L a r u t o

Because you can never have too many Sages

Race: Zora

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Like Fado, this wise, motherly character was murdered by Ganondorf so that she

could no longer pray at the Earth Temple, which weakened the Master Sword. As

such, she teaches Link the Earth God’s Lyric, the first half of The Wind

Waker’s theme. When he conducts it for Medli, she awakens as a Sage and

realises her destiny. I quite like Laruto for some reason, maybe because Zora

are cool. Just in case you’re dense, I’ll take this opportunity to point out

how similar her name is to that of Ruto, Princess of the Zora people and Sage

of Water in Ocarina of Time. Also, off the top of my head I can think of only

three Zora who wear clothes, and Laruto is one of them.

=============================================================================

L e d d

Graphite (Pb)

Race: Mogma

Appearances: Skyward Sword

A Mogma whom Link encounters several times throughout the game, and

consequently the one with whom we deal the most. We first see him near the foot

of Eldin Volcano, where he appears with his adventuring partner Cobal, warns us

of monsters, hints that Ghirahim has been seen in the area, and then gives us

some sass, though he eventually changes his tune once we've saved him a few

times. We don't see him again until we've penetrated the Earth Temple, at which

point he's become separated from his buddy and is surprised to learn that his

counterpart is worried about him. After we help him out of a scrape, he's so

grateful and eager to help that he not only honours our request to borrow his

Bomb Bag, but outright gives it to us. As one of the more skilled and

accomplished Mogmas, Ledd is something of a minor leader among them, so perhaps

he takes over when Guld leaves. His greatest distinguishing feature is his mop

of red hair.

=============================================================================

L e n z o

Legendary pictographer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Majora’s Mask introduced us to the Picto Box, but The Wind Waker takes it to

new levels. To facilitate this, we have Lenzo, who lives on Windfall Island and

has dedicated his whole life to taking quality pictographs. He gives Link his

first pictograph machine, which can only take black-and-white pictographs. A

little later, Link can take on a somewhat lengthy side-quest that ends with

Lenzo shoving a fairy into his machine, creating the Deluxe Picto Box, which is

capable of taking colour exposures. Carlov will only be inspired by a

pictograph if it is in colour.

=============================================================================

L e v i a s

Levitating leviathan

Race: Lesser Deity

Appearances: Skyward Sword

One of the spirits Hylia left behind to guide her chosen hero. After filling

out most of his checklist in the world beneath the clouds, Link finds that he

must learn one more song on his Goddess Harp, and, after investigating some of

the records and personal knowledge to be had at the Knight Academy, he

determines that Levias is a giant flying Wailord who lives inside the

Thunderhead. When Link arrives, however, he finds that Levias has unfortunately

also been possessed by a strange parasite that is flying around evilly and

trying to kill him. After giving chase on his Loftwing and cutting down many of

its appendages, Link is able to land atop the hard shell covering Levias's

head, where the offending monster has taken up residence in his blowhole. With

careful aim and his new Master Sword, Link is able to defeat the winged worm by

deflecting its fiery projectiles back at its weak points. Afterwards, Levias is

thoroughly apologetic for his prior conduct, and immediately acknowledges him

as the prophesied hero. He agrees to teach Link the melody he needs, but

unfortunately he only has one piece; Link must visit the three dragons who

reign over their respective sections of the land below. After meeting with the

three (and, in two cases, performing some tasks for them, one justifiable, one

not), he returns to Levias, summons them and, in Skyward Sword's best FMV, the

five join in a musical collaboration. Link learns the final song and is able to

enter the last Silent Realm.

=============================================================================

L i b r a r i

Chapters

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Book ‘im, Dan-o: Librari quite possibly takes the Zelda cake for idiotically

(criminally!) uncreative names. He resides in the Hyrule Town Library

performing the bookkeeping with a stylish white quill bigger than he is. He is

the focal point of a side quest that sees Link running all over town collecting

people’s overdue library books and returning them on their behalf. In the

aftergame, Librari tires of city life and relocates to a little cave in Lake

Hylia, where Link receives the Heart Container with the most complex conditions

of his career, requiring him to visit half the Minish in Hyrule. Librari wears

blue from hat to shoes, the customary clothes of a Town Minish. He has a

brother living in Minish Village, Gentari.

=============================================================================

L i g h t S p i r i t s

Baron Protectors

Race: Lesser Deities

Appearances: Twilight Princess

The patron deities of Twilight-era Hyrule, three of the spirits looked after

the main provinces, while the fourth watched over a prefecture just outside of

it. Each resides at a Spirit Spring, which restores Link’s health when he walks

through it. They are Ordona, Faron, Eldin, and Lanayru, after which each of

those provinces is named.

Notice each name is a derivative from the Three Goddesses – ORdona, FARon,

ElDIN, and LaNAYRU. Ordon is a goat, Faron is a monkey, Eldin is a boar, and

Lanayru is a snake. Zant reduced the latter three to mere shells when he

engulfed their respective regions in Twilight, but Link recovered their light

from the insects that were running around with it and in so doing restored the

spirits, allowing them to return light to their particular province.

=============================================================================

L i n d a

Desirable bachelorette

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

This Windfall Island native is apparently quite popular with the boys, as not

one but two young men fall madly in infatuation with her. The first is Kamo,

the local brooding persona non grata and her childhood friend who now wants to

be more than a friend, but isn’t man enough to do anything about it, leaving

her oblivious to his feelings. Meanwhile, Linda is taken with someone else:

Anton, Windfall’s studly power-walker. This somewhat slow fellow mumbles to

himself about needing a girlfriend, but finds himself unable to think of any

good candidates. If Link shows him a colour pictograph of Linda, however, he’ll

be struck with inspiration and resolve to ask her out, which he subsequently

does a few days later. You can find the lovebirds in Windfall Cafe, where Linda

will happily announce that the two are now Facebook official and offer a

less-than-subtle symbol of their affection, a Heart Piece, as thanks for

setting them up.

Her iconic orange dress was a gift from her best friend Sue-Belle, Sturgeon’s

daughter, who lived on Windfall before returning to Outset Island to care for

her ailing progenitor.

=============================================================================

L i n e b e c k

One-man crew

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Aonuma is really on a roll. Actually, I should give that credit to his

character designers, but I don’t know any of their names, so I’ll just let him

soak it up, because in any case he’s been responsible for back-to-back Zelda

games that have introduced an incredibly cool character. Linebeck is 150 pounds

of pure unadulterated awesome. (Contrast that to Midna’s 19 or so pounds of

pure unadulterated awesome.)

Linebeck adds some much-needed variety to the Zelda universe. Up to this point

we’ve largely been presented with romantic archetypes like the heroic Link, or

thoughtful townsperson, or unbearably evil Ganon. Only recently have more

rounded characters begun to show up, and Linebeck is our latest proof of

concept.

The rogue is dripping with more flavour than New York sirloin. Sarcastic,

narcissistic, and self-serving, he’s probably the most realistic character in

the entire series. He may not be as ruthless and vindictive as Midna or the

Three Goddesses, but he’s not exactly a great guy. It’s quite clear he has a

past, too, another rarity (I’m talking about Jolene specifically.) His entire

motivation for helping Link and Ciela, the fact that his actions may prevent

the ushering-in of an age of darkness notwithstanding, is that he views it as

an opportunity to get rich quick.

Yet at the same time, he also experiences some development. Initially, he sees

his travel companions as tools, many of their detours as irritants, and the

whole save-the-world thing as being quite taxing on his time. But by the end,

it’s clear they’ve grown close. He’s broadened his horizons, and come to find

worth in things he’d never before considered valuable. In the finale, he even

displays a bit of unprecedented heroism. And he does it all without sacrificing

what made him cool in the first place, or at least not entirely.

He’s visually different from basically every other character in the series, as

well. His disproportionate body, admiral’s coat, and deep bags under his eyes

give him a unique look. He’s also the only main character so far who’s

middle-aged – we see our young (usually very young) heroes, and our wise old

men and women, and our however-old villains, and Linebeck adds variety, like I

said earlier. On top of that, he’s always playing with some gadget or another,

a sea chart or his telescope or whatever.

He makes another first by being the only non-evil character besides Link to

venture into a dungeon alone. Of course, he almost immediately becomes stuck

and requires Link to rescue him, but I still thought it was cool.

Most of the time, though, he just stays with the boat. It could have to do with

the fact that he’s a bit of a coward (or, in my view, prefers to go around

problems instead of through them), but more likely it’s because he’s a

character who began life as a game mechanic. TWW solved some boat-related

design conundrums by making the boat alive; PH does it with Linebeck, whose

main purpose throughout the story (in addition to trading witty banter with

Ciela) is to operate his ship, the S.S. Linebeck, which he does from below as

Link stands on deck, manning its contraptions, watching the horizons and

charting a course. In fact, it’s a pretty sweet ride; Link should be glad to

have it at his disposal. Notably, there’s no sailing in PH, rather the S.S.

Linebeck is of course a S.teamS.hip, which is pretty interesting.

In fact, interesting sums up Linebeck himself quite well. Another good job,

Kyouto boys and girls!

=============================================================================

L i n e b e c k I I I

Manipulative merchant

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Linebeck III’s introduction is so well done. We complete a dungeon and a new

spot opens up on the map; we go to investigate, not expecting anything more

special than a hint as to our new destination; and then BAM! Out of nowhere, we

have Linebeck, except with a really cool new hat. Basically a carbon copy of

the now dearly departed Linebeck from Phantom Hourglass, but somewhat less sly

and definitely less resourceful, Linebeck III (and presumably Linebeck II?) is

every bit as money-obsessed as his grandfather (come to think of it, what fine

lass did Linebeck settle down with, now?). Inanity aside, we quickly find out

that Linebeck knows a guy who can fix the bridge leading to the Ocean Realm,

but he owes a huge debt to him. It’s a problem, but Linebeck I had the presence

of mind to leave his grandson a Regal Ring if he were ever in serious trouble;

I’m guessing he had a more desperate situation in mind, but Link braves the

monsters and traps, recovers the ring, and offers it to the Bridge Worker in

place of Linebeck’s debt, which is really an awfully good deal, because the

Ring’s market value is almost twice as much as he owed. That actually really

annoyed me, it just seemed like such a waste.

Either way, after this, Linebeck’s Trading Post becomes available for business.

At what are, all things considered, very reasonable deals, Linebeck will trade

Rupees or Train Parts for Treasures. If you want to get the golden set and thus

have the maximum possible number of hearts, you’re going to have to be either

very dedicated or rather lucky, because although most people have a majority of

the Treasures they need, some are just really hard to come by, requiring

countless runs through the shooting gallery or what have you in order to obtain

the necessary items. This is also a great way to make money, as you can easily

make a run through Whittleton with your sword and Whirlwind and find a whole

ton of common Treasures that you can haul back for a super-quick 50 Rupees each.

Late in the game, Link can undertake a sidequest that involves hauling Goron

special-crop Dark Ore from the eastern Fire Realm all the way to the Trading

Post. If he can manage to bring Linebeck a turn of 5 or more Dark Ore, which he

badly wants for research purposes, he’ll be rewarded with another batch of

Spirit Tracks.

=============================================================================

L i n k

Saviour of Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: All main-series Zelda games

Link’s Crossbow Training

Here he is: The main man of the Zelda series. Link, in his numerous

incarnations, has continually wielded items and weapons of great power and

ingenuity, vanquished evil, played countless mini-games and, above all, guarded

Hyrule from whatever danger it might face. He’s had various companions and

allies over the years, but operates largely alone, as a single brave warrior

standing against vastly greater odds. He’s a very romantic hero in that sense.

Let’s talk about his signature garb. From day one, Link has worn his highly

identifiable green tunic. It has been a few colours; in Ocarina of Time,

differently coloured tunics had different magical properties, and in the Four

Swords series each player takes on a Link of varying tunic colours (including a

purple one for P4.) But most important is his headgear, a long green cap that

falls behind his head and ends in a point. That cap is like his calling card.

In The Minish Cap, Ezlo just so happened to take that form when he was

transformed into a hat. Link is typically seen with a sword and shield slung

over his shoulders, as those are his preferred weapons in combat. The Wind

Waker marked the first time we saw Link without the trappings of the green garb

– he wore typical islander clothing for about two minutes until he got the

Hero’s Clothes, or for the whole game in the Second Quest. In Twilight

Princess, he begins with a cool ranch-hand costume, but quickly moves on. The

situation is somewhat similar in Spirit Tracks, where he begins with the

Engineer’s Uniform but is in his customary attire by the time the adventure is

underway (though he has the option of returning to the new outfit much later.)

Skyward Sword begins to turn it into a tradition, as the first ten minutes or

so have him in typical Skylofter apparel, the most notable feature of which is

one of those really cool giant belts sometimes seen in more traditional

Japanese clothing.

Link is altruistic by nature. Many times, he has faced seemingly insurmountable

challenges that taxed him in every way, simply because he knew it was the right

thing to do. Furthermore, he takes time out of his imperative quests so that he

may stop and assist people in their personal lives. He has repaired

relationships, elevated struggling businesses, turned people away from lives of

crime, delivered medicine to the ill and injured, restored old glories’

confidence, comforted people in times of need, befriended total strangers

because they needed him to, saved quite a number of people from being mugged by

thieves or assaulted by monsters, and united a fair few couples. And that only

scratches the surface. He does all this without expecting any reward, and he

often doesn’t get one – and that’s just fine with him, because that’s how he is.

His destiny is irrevocably intertwined with that of Ganondorf, Zelda, the

Triforce, and the Three Goddesses. Again and again he has been reincarnated to

combat evil, wielding the Triforce of Courage. Nearly every time Ganondorf has

tried to conquer Hyrule, which would give him near-infinite power, Link has

stopped him at the last minute. Zelda has sought him out time and again,

understanding what must be done. His work will never be done until all evil has

been purged from the land.

Link is a smart little dude, and quite good with his hands. He seems able to

instantly master any tool or item he finds, even if he’s never seen one before

– the rhythms of Hookshots, Boomerangs, Bows, the reins of a horse, Mole Mitts,

BASE jumping, and even musical instruments are all second nature to him. Though

he has, admittedly, had a few tutors, he seems almost supernaturally adept with

a sword, able to best exceptionally skilled practitioners while having had

almost no formal training. He easily masters the Spin Attack, the hidden move

of the ancient Hylia, when only a handful of others have. This is a clear

indication of his intelligence – through careful observation and deductive

critical thinking, he is able to solve dungeon puzzles that would confound the

most logical mathematician.

Yet despite this intelligence, Link never seems to speak. Or if he does, his

dialogue is assumed, as many characters seem to respond to his ‘words,’ and he

is able to pass along information without banter. Obviously, this is a holdover

from early on in the video games industry when voice-overs weren’t yet

standard. In one interview, Miyamoto mentioned that one of the main reasons

Link didn’t have any dialogue in The Wind Waker despite the available

technology was that many people have imagined in their heads what his voice

would sound like, and he didn’t want to spoil it for them. I think it has more

to do with one of the stated key concepts behind Zelda: When you play a Zelda

game, you don’t play as Link, you actually _become_ Link, and giving him overly

much character would take away from that. (I think the developers succeed at

this goal.) Regardless, in more recent games Link has had a collection of

yells, squawks, grunts, and cries of pain to punctuate whatever he’s doing.

Another quirk is his laterality. In a world filled with right-handed

characters, Link is a lefty. Did you know that, on average, right-handers live

eight years longer than left-handers? Or something like that. Actually, there’s

some evidence that he’s ambidextrous, though I prefer left-handed to ambi. Fun

fact: In the first and second Zelda games, Link held his sword in his right

hand when facing to the right. Why swap? Official answer: Death Mountain is to

the north, so he keeps his shield toward it to fend off its evil energies.

Real-world answer: Lazy designers have less work to do when they simply flip

the sprite rather than drawing a whole new one. With the release of Skyward

Sword, we also have a canon right-handed Link, so I just don't know anymore.

It's an abomination, frankly.

Link appears as one of the initial eight characters in Super Smash Bros, and

both he and Young Link (from Ocarina; YL is unlockable) come on out for Melee.

Both Link and Toon Link show up in Brawl. Link is a sub-par character in all

three, unfortunately, and Young Link is even worse. The fact is, Link is just

way too slow and laggy, and Young Link is too weak and light. Toon Link

is...halfway decent, actually, but still fairly lacking. They barely ever see

competitive play, but seem to show up an awful lot in casual games. When they

do take to the field, Link relies on his mildly powerful Smash attacks and the

good mid-range game that comes with his Bombs, Bow and Boomerang. Three of

Melee’s Event Matches are focussed on Link: One has Young Link pitted against

the superior Link, and another has Link against a black-coated Level 9 Link

CPU. Triforce Gathering, maybe my favourite Event Match, has Link (player) and

an idiotic Zelda on a team against Ganondorf.

That’s not his only fighting game appearance, however. Link was the

GameCube-exclusive character on Namco’s Soul Calibre 2. His story here is

non-canon to both Zelda and Soul Calibre, and is boring and uncreative anyway.

Opinions on his power are mixed: I’ve heard both that he’s the most broken

character in the game, and that he’s the weakest. I know nothing about

competitive SC so I can’t speak to that, but I will vouch that I do all right

with him and that he looks pretty damn cool when the SC aesthetic is applied to

him. Every character in SC has buyable weapons that horrendously unbalance the

game, and Link gets a little trip down memory lane with everything from the

Magic Sword to the Megaton Hammer to the Mirror Shield. At least the boys and

girls at Namco took the time to do their research. I must also say that the

movies associated with Link are pretty neat, especially his Weapon

Demonstration – that is some seriously sweet stuff imho! It’s fun to see the

sword techniques that wouldn’t make sense in an adventure game.

Link is so legendary, many have seen fit to give him a cameo in their games –

which is only fair, really, considering stuff like the Mario paintings in

houses and Yoshi portrait in Hyrule Castle. Thinking back, in the original

Final Fantasy there was a cemetery in Elfland, where Link’s name appeared on a

headstone, but only in the Japanese version – due to licensing restrictions,

the text was changed to ‘Here lies Erdrick,’ as in the hero of the Dragon

Warrior series, for the NTSC version. I’m pretty sure he also appeared as one

of the characters playing an instrument in the credits of the NES Tetris. He

might also be in F-1 Race, but somehow I’m thinking he isn’t (a little help,

anyone?) I’m not a big fan of World of WarCraft, but one quest in that game

involves a green tunic-clad gnome named Linken, who is trying to recover his

Golden Flame or something – an obvious reference to the Triforce. At the inn in

Super Mario RPG, Link is seen resting up – after a while, he checks out and

Samus from Metroid takes his place. In Donkey Kong Country, Cranky Kong rates

DK at the end of the game based on his percentage of completion; he is rated

against three other heroes, and Rank C (C?? What kind of Zelda-bashing bs is

that!? ^_-) is Link. There’s yet more! In the Kirby series, in every title

after Kirby’s Adventure, when Kirby gained the Sword ability he donned Link’s

hat (with a yellow bobble on the end) and wielded a caricaturized version of

the Master Sword, Sword Beams and all. And incidentally, the boss Paint Roller

will sometimes sketch an image of the Triforce.

=============================================================================

L i n k ’ s r e l a t i v e s

It’s all about family

Race: Hylians

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Link is generally portrayed as a free-rollicking dude without any family to tie

him down. That doesn’t cheapen his intense loyalty, of course, since he clearly

values people like Saria. Anyway, a lot of fans assume that he and Zelda get

married, maybe in multiple incarnations, but this unlikely scenario

notwithstanding he actually has more rets than you might think.

Link’s uncle – He was so irrelevant, the devs never even bothered to give him a

name. That’s just as well. The moustachioed, blue-haired thug receives Zelda’s

telepathic cry for help in the night. Taking up the family sword, he strides

forth and is promptly killed by Moblins. Link, who also got the message, comes

upon his uncle as he dies and receives the sword from him. Uncster’s famous

last words were ‘Zelda is your...’ which a lot of people took to be ‘Zelda is

your sister,’ or any number of things, really. The Japanese version tells us

that it was actually supposed to be the somewhat nonsensically phrased ‘Zelda

is your destiny,’ but the last word got cut off due to the size of the text

box. He is revived at the end of the game as part of Link’s wish to the

Triforce.

Link’s mommy – Ocarina of Time’s manual explains that Link’s mom was attacked

and mortally wounded when he was only a few days old, but she managed to

stagger to the Great Deku Tree before dying. She pleaded with him to raise Link

among the Kokiri, which he did, knowing Link’s destiny.

Aryll – As one of two relative characters in The Wind Waker, Aryll really

pisses a lot of people off. They ask, Why does Link suddenly have a sister? OMG

IT MAKES NO CENSE!!!1 Well, she’s there, deal with it. She’s also quite a sweet

little girl who looks a lot like Zelda, and gets kidnapped in the beginning of

the game because of it. This sets the story in motion. On Link’s first journey

up the Forsaken Fortress, he almost rescues her but is captured before he can.

In the redux, Tetra’s pirates appear and whisk her off to safety, along with

Mila and Maggie. The latter two return home to Windfall Island but Aryll stays

with the pirates for the duration of the game. They even pay her for the work

she does on the ship, which she mails to her brother in a genuinely sweet show

of support. At the end of the game, she watches sadly as Link sails away from

Outset Island forever.

Grandma – For some reason, Grandma creates less waves than Aryll. Whatever. She

is responsible for giving Link the Hero’s Clothes, the family Hero’s Shield,

and batch after batch of hearty soup that is not only free, but the most

powerful potion in any Zelda game: It completely replenishes Link’s health and

magic, AND doubles his attack power until he’s struck. That’s pretty awesome

stuff. There’s a very emotional scene when she looks sadly out to sea at the

retreating stern of the pirate ship as Link heads off for the Forsaken

Fortress. She becomes despondent and depressed when Link leaves, but a fairy

cheers her up. Her figurine says she enjoys playing the occasional prank on

Link.

Smith – Link gets another uncle for The Minish Cap, who looks nothing like the

previous one. This guy is kinda cool because he was an accomplished swordsman

in his youth, fighting to a draw with King Daltus at the Picori Festival. He

spends most of his time in his and Link’s house, shaping steel in the workshop.

=============================================================================

L i n k – g o r o

Mysterious doppelganger?

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

No, YOU don’t know how to alphabetize.

Ocarina of Time featured a Goron named Link (or whatever you named yourself)

who was the apparently seven-year-old progeny of Big Brother Darmani, who named

him such in honour of his brotherly relationship with hero of the Gorons and

honourary Goron Link, who would later take the mantle of Hero of Time and

encounter his namesake, who explained that the race was again in danger of

extinction as the recently resurrected firedragon Volvagia had burninated half

their home and kidnapped most of its inhabitants, presumably for the purposes

of storage and later consumption. To assist Link in his quest to save everyone

he’s ever loved, Link the Goron helpfully provides the heat-resisting Goron

Tunic, which is a lot more than other characters do for Link when he’s trying

to accomplish something similar. Link-goro, however, is obviously quite

different from this character (whom I don’t feel like giving an entry and thus

avoided doing so by halfheartedly describing him in this one): Much older and

worse-educated, some have actually theorized that he is Link’s alt-world

analogue. We’ve also done the same for the Deku Butler’s son and Skull Kid,

though, so the idea holds like zero weight.

Link-goro’s main purpose is to have a name similar enough to Link’s that

scatterbrained hotel manager Anju mistakes the two and thinks that Link has a

reservation, which was made by Link-goro in advance of his arrival in Clock

Town. You can actually observe him and Anju having one of two conversations,

depending on whether or not you snagged the poor guy’s reservation already; one

simply has him happily take his room key and disappear into his room, never to

return. In the other, he and Anju try to figure out what happened, but nothing

can be done because the rooms are all filled (all three of them), and it ends

with Link-goro leaving sadly. And that’s about all he ever does.

Due to his tendency to wear clothing, Link-goro’s design is about a hundred

times more interesting than that of any other Goron. He has what TVtropes would

call a ‘badass hat,’ a stitched blue vest, and a whole ton of traveller’s

luggage riding around on his back, with the typical, you know, like gigantic

wooden garbage can type thing, on top of which is lashed a rolled sleeping bag

that he never actually uses, preferring to simply sit on the ground. It rains

on the 2nd Day, so he takes shelter under a canopy just outside the inn. He

also finishes every single sentence with ‘-goro.’ ‘Really-goro?’ Also, I think

he’s the single and only person in the world who came to Clock Town as a

tourist, which is odd since it’s supposed to be a huge event. Ok fine, maybe

the apocalypse resulted in a slightly lower turnout than projected.

=============================================================================

L o k o m o s

Brand new dance

Race: Lokomos

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

As Link journeys around Hyrule, he must meet with the master of the Sanctuary

within each Realm in order to learn a new song for his Spirit Flute, which

restores the Spirit Tracks leading to the next Temple and thus grants access

his next destination. Locating and then satisfying the needs of each successive

guardian often entails a small quest in and of itself. Each Lokomo including

Anjean, he finds, rides around in a little bulbous putt-putting hoverchair.

They also all have names that are puns on elements of a train, which is an

extraordinary coincidence, really.

Gage - Guardian of the Forest Sanctuary, Gage proudly displays an afro, a

goatee and a cello. Appearing to be around 30 or so, he is by far the youngest

of the Lokomo we meet.

Steem – Snow Sanctuary Sage Steem sports a shamisen. The vainest of the Lokomo,

he is the only one who cares about his cave’s interior design, and will later

ask Link to deliver a Papuchia Village pot to liven the place up a bit.

Carben – Flute-wielder Carben is the steward of the Ocean Realm and the Lokomo

with the most involved storyline quest. When Link and Zelda arrive at his

Sanctuary, they find a hastily written note explaining that he has departed for

Papuchia Village; backtracking, they find him flying in the sky on the wings of

some of the giant black birds who carry trapezes in their talons. Learning the

Song of Birds from a nearby Song Stone, Link uses it in the vicinity to attract

Carben’s attention and bring him down. After a short chat, he agrees to return

with them to Ocean Sanctuary, but on the way there they are assuaged by

Bokoblin pirates. Link leaps to the passenger car to defend Carben from the

would-be kidnappers, eventually taking down a huge, club-wielding,

hitstun-impervious Big Blin. With this defeat the pirates withdraw and the trio

continues to the Sanctuary.

Embrose – Doubtlessly the most passionate and hot-headed Lokomo in Hyrule,

Embrose bears a thin moustache, mountainous red hair, and a set of drums

recalling the Goron Bongos of Majora’s Mask.

Rael – Befitting his station as Sage of the Sand Sanctuary, Rael’s hair

resembles a Pharoahic headdress. Hidden deep in the desert, Rael may be the

most mysterious Lokomo of all; his desire for solitude and self-sufficiency

goes so far that he will later ask Link to bring him some Cuccos, that he may

start a farm or something. His oboe opens the way to the pyramidal Sand Temple.

All six Lokomos make one final appearance midway through the final battle with

Malladus, joining in Link and Zelda’s would-be duet to lend a hand in revealing

the demon king’s weak spot. In the ending, they transform into pure light and

depart with Anjean and Byrne, their energy exhausted and their purpose served.

=============================================================================

M a d a m e A r o m a

Dior

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Kafei’s mother and Mayor Dotour’s wife, Clock Town’s First Lady takes a large

role in Termina’s day-to-day administration. She is almost only ever seen in

the day, in a side room at the Mayor’s Residence in East Clock Town, seeing to

appointments that are apparently backed up quite far. The situation is only

compounded by the upcoming Carnival of Time, which requires an insane amount of

organization what with all its various acts and activities and makes her

virtually unreachable; Toto waits for like three days straight before being

told he can’t get an audience with her, I believe.

She has no problem having a quick convo with Link, however, whom she asks, as

one might, if he has seen her missing son. If he has at this point, I seriously

doubt he recognized him, since he’d never met him before and because the

man-boy was dressed up as a magical fox. Well, she says sadly, maybe you’ll

keep an eye out for him, and also interrogate every single person you meet as

to whether or not they know what’s up. Sure thing. She gives him the Keaton’s

Mask in order to do this, apparently because Kafei is indistinguishable in most

Terminians minds from that beast. Well I mean like I said, he WAS wearing a

Keaton’s Mask of his own when in hiding so - hey wait a second that’s the worst

disguise ever. But isn’t it kind of cool to see how they handle verbal

communication with a character who never speaks? Especially in this game, which

also has Tatl. I also wouldn’t mind reading a Majora’s Mask text dump at some

point, some people have interesting things to say about his disappearance.

Later on in your quest to reunite Kafei and Anju, you can find Madame Aroma in

the Milk Bar waiting for everything to be destroyed. She, uh, gives you an

Empty Bottle.

Madame Aroma appears to be a very supportive mother and wife and seems to

heartily approve of her future daughter-in-law. And man, I never realised until

I wrote this entry what a subtly strong character she really is, wow. That’s

one reason I love writing this guide; I learn so much stuff about my favourite

series that I never knew before, just by thinking about it.

The woman is fairly plain-looking so even though I try to include at least a

cursory explanation of most characters’ physical appearance, there’s not much

to say here even though I sort of feel like I should. She, uh, wears a dress?

And has purple hair, like Kafei.

=============================================================================

M a d a m e M e o w M e o w

Catlike dog-lover

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Madame MeowMeow is a resident of Mabe Village who keeps two small Chain Chomps

and one larger one in her backyard. The larger one is called BowWow, and King

Moblin kidnaps him when he raids Mabe while Link is in the Tail Cave. Link

rescues BowWow and returns him to Madame MeowMeow, who asks for him to walk him

– which works out nicely since the only way to enter Bottle Grotto is to have

BowWow eat the Goponga Flowers blocking its entrance.

=============================================================================

M a d a m u Y o k u r i i b a

Creepy middle-aged lady

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Irodzuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

She owns the rental hatake in Aomono Village. For a price, you can use it to

grow anything you like. She has a plant growing out of her head, claims that

Masaru is the only one who understands her, and is rather unresponsive to the

appearance of customers. This changes quite drastically when Tingle Love Pushes

her, at which point she falls madly in love with him and starts to call him

'darling,' despite being extremely ugly and 17 years his senior. It's really,

yeah. This affection turns out to be so strong that, when Tingle goes back in

time to stop Nimidanshaku from renting the hatake before he can, she rents it

to Tingle because he needs it even though Nimidanshaku offers her literally a

billion Rupees on the spot. Later, a journalist comes through town to write a

story on the Gasoringo adventure they've all recently experienced, and she has

more creepily kind words to say of Tingle. She even describes him in exquisite

detail so that he can pen a picture, but then Tingle appears behind him. He

thus asks a few more questions before snapping a photograph instead; it takes a

few tries, and Tingle strikes a cool (?) pose for the first two, but falls on

his face for the third, successful, shot, and is so immortalized in the 34th

edition of the Emerald City newspaper. One of the questions the journalist asks

is if Tingle and Madame Yokuriiba are dating. You actually have the option of

answering yes to this.

=============================================================================

M a d B a t t e r

Saotome Ranma

Race: Batter

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

A clear reference to Alice in Wonderland’s Mad Hatter, the Mad Batter is a

nominally bat-like entity who hangs out in caves and the bottoms of wells.

After bashing your way into his home/prison with the Magic Hammer and

reanimating him with a shot of Magic Powder - which I realise is just a lazy

catch-all for use when it would be pointlessly complex to create a unique

gameplay solution, but seriously, that stuff is hardcore - the Mad Batter

springs to life, condemns you for waking him, and thanks for you waking him.

The whole thing is sort of like what happens when you wake a djinn up before

it’s been 1000 years. What, you never read that book? After a little internal

debate, he decides to unleash a horrific curse on you that effectively doubles

your Magic Metre (by making all spells cost half as much as they did before, a

state called 1/2 Magic.) He is nice about it, though, at least having the good

manners to ask your permission first. Indecision Incarnate then calls for your

eternal suffering before bidding you good day and taking off to who knows where.

In Link’s Awakening his grip on reality isn’t much stronger. Once summoned to

one of three caves in Mysterious Woods, Martha’s Bay, and Tal Tal Heights by

means of tossing Magic Powder into a flame-maker, he will appear to accost you

with the ability to carry more of either Arrows, Bombs, or the Powder itself.

‘Look at all that junk you have to carry!’

Hopefully the helpful malcontent will show his face again sometime.

=============================================================================

M a j o r a ’ s M a s k

Sealed demon lying in wait

Race: Demon

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

In ancient Termina, there was a monstrously evil entity known as Majora. Majora

was so powerful, it threatened to destroy the entire world. The most powerful

magicians of the time were able to contain it in a horned mask that soon fell

into legend. Majora’s Mask was enshrined so that it would never again endanger

the land, but one day a travelling mask salesman found it and added it to his

collection. He knew its power but thought he could handle it. Unfortunately,

one day a frustrated Skull Kid stole it and put it on. Majora promptly

possessed Skull Kid and used him as its puppet. Though still not at full power,

Majora wrought havoc on the Terminians and, working with the Skull Kid’s ill

intentions and granting his desire to cause everyone misery, set the moon on a

collision course with Clock Town that would wipe out the whole land, not to

mention its spawner, Hyrule.

Link eventually confronted it and expelled Majora’s Mask from Skull Kid, who

was proven to be just a puppet. Majora fled to the moon and created five

mask-wearing children. After Link had played with the Odoruwa Child, the Goht

Child, the Gyorg Child, and the Twinmold Child, he finally spoke with the

Majora Child, who was wearing Majora’s Mask. The Majora Child wanted to play,

too, but instead of hide-and-seek, like the rest of them, he wanted to play

good guys and bad guys. He gave Link the Fierce Deity’s Mask so he could be the

Bad Guy. In Kishin Link form, the Hero of Hyrule did battle with the

three-formed Majora’s Mask and defeated it with little trouble. Link returned

Majora’s Mask to the Happy Mask Salesman, as he had promised, but the salesman

mentioned that all power had been drained from the mask and it had become just

a piece of wood, though one with an exceptional history. What happened to

Majora...?

That’s how I understand Majora’s backstory, anyway. I had to piece some things

together without a lot of in-game clarity, but that’s about as accurate as it

gets, I think.

=============================================================================

M a k a r

Rebellious runaway

Race: Korok

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Of all the Great Deku Tree’s Koroks, Makar was always the most adventurous. He

was constantly running off and getting in trouble, leaving the other Koroks to

bail him out. Makar was a talented violinist (like his ancestor, Fado) and was

to be the centrepiece of the most important Korok festival, but, while flying

over the Forbidden Woods, was attacked by Helmarocs and knocked into the lair

of Kalle Demos. When Link reached the Forest Haven, he was tasked with rescuing

Makar. Later on, Makar is found practising for next year’s festival, already

working on a new song. When Link plays the Wind God’s Aria for him, he awakens

as the new Sage of Winds and accompanies Link to the Wind Temple. Here, Link

can use the Command Melody to control Makar for a while, using his ability to

fly on petal props to hit switches and whatnot. When Link defeats Molgera,

Makar stays in the Wind Temple’s inner sanctum to pray to the gods, finally

restoring the Master Sword to full power.

=============================================================================

M a k u T r e e s

Obvious tributes

Race: Maku

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Maku Trees figure into the Oracle saga pretty heavily. After all, the

Japanese games are called ‘Nut of the Mysterious Tree,’ and said nut appears in

the logo. The purpose of this nut is to dispel the barrier blocking access to

the final boss; it grows larger and larger as Link recovers the Essences of

either Nature or Time, and falls to the ground when he gathers all eight.

Both of them open up paths as Link collects Essences, which lead to minor

rewards like Gasha Seeds. They are also both home to Farore, the Oracle of

Secrets. The Maku Trees are pretty obvious tributes to the Deku Tree from fan

favourite Ocarina of Time, in that both are wise, giant trees. All three have

fallen under a curse, too, and are near death when Link finds them. They’re far

from carbon copies, however.

Oracle of Seasons’ male Maku Tree mostly just sleeps, waking only when Link

pops his snot bubble. At this point he gives him a clue on where the next

dungeon is located before drifting off again. Ages’ much livelier Maku Tree is

female and is seen in two forms: Her full-size present day one, and as a mere

sprout 400 years in the past. Link saves her from marauding Moblins in the

past, when she makes him promise to come back someday and marry her. Okay, Link

has been the object of infatuation for fish-girls, ectoplasmic entities and

enormous old women, but a tree is pretty out there. Ages’ Maku Tree is

significantly younger and smaller, and even girlish at times.

=============================================================================

M a l l a d u s

Malcontentious

Race: Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

The Link and Zelda of The Wind Waker and Phantom Hourglass can’t have been too

pleased when they reached their new home. First Hyrule is drowned by the gods

because they couldn’t think of a better way to keep Ganondorf in check – to say

nothing of the fact that _it didn’t even work_ - but they are then tasked with

leaving everything behind and going to search for a new one, because the king

said it would probably be a good idea if they would do that. Then they finally

reach the new Hyrule, and what do they find? It’s in the grip of a Demon King,

and they’re going to have to rid the land of his influence. Like, ugh, didn’t

we just do this?

Twice?

Fortunately, this time they have at their disposal Anjean, who helps them with

her miraculous magic. Together, they seal Malladus beneath the surface of

Hyrule, binding him with...train tracks, which are built to run across the

entire country. And their users regulate themselves, meaning that accidents

must be incredibly frequent. Anyway, Malladus continues on like this for about

a century (which must be incredibly aggravating, just sitting there doing

nothing, ever, for decades, but maybe time has a bit of a different meaning

when you’re immortal), at which point a lesser demon, Cole, and his follower,

Byrne, manage to cut the ties that bind and release Malladus from his prison.

Byrne leaps in front of Cole, eager to offer his allegiance in exchange for a

slice of Malladus’s power, but he is apparently much more choosy than that. In

spite of his already immense power, Byrne was once Lokomo, so he can screw

right off. Ouch. Cole and Malladus take off for the Dark Realm aboard the Demon

Train, with a view to gathering their strength, and the opposing crew scrambles

to mount a counteroffensive.

Eventually, they pursue them into the ephemeral otherworld, and after first

tangling with the Demon Train and then fighting Cole atop it, Link and Zelda

brace themselves for a battle with the giant bull. Zelda, fortunately, has an

idea for how to deal with the threat, but the move takes like five minutes to

charge up. Link’s task, therefore, is to ward off the fireballs that home in on

her as she prepares her spell. If she’s struck at all, Link will take some

damage in her stead and she’ll be forced to start over. When the spell does go

off, Malladus is momentarily addled, and the princess prompts Link to whip out

his Spirit Flute and play a tune with her. THIS spell summons Anjean and the

other Lokomo, who in turn highlight Malladus’s only weak spot. Link charges in

and barrages it with sword strikes, following which Malladus gets angrier and

eats Cole, granting him even greater power, wicked horns, and a moustache.

Later on, he does the same thing to Byrne; what a glutton. At any rate, this is

the fun part. Once again directing the actions of both Link and Zelda in

concert, the object here is, either by walking Zelda to an advantageous spot or

distracting Malladus with Link’s sword, to position Zelda behind Malladus so

that she can shoot him in his vulnerable spine with the Bow of Light. Missed

shots will cost some time as she readies another magically infused arrow. When

she gets a hit, Link can once more rush in and go to town on the glowing

cranial ulcer. Ultimately, Malladus can only take so much of this and is

reduced to a snivelling wisp before being banished from the world forever.

Truly another great battle from Spirit Tracks; counting the business with the

Demon Train and Cole, it more or less combines every major gameplay element

from the entire rest of the adventure, and has quite possibly the widest

variety of activities I’ve ever seen in one battle. The killing blow is quite

satisfying, as well, being a nice big super-stabby light show that has the

added bonus of requiring player input. Very nice.

=============================================================================

M a l o n a n d T a l o n

Just farmers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

These two characters get listed by name even though they find their origins in

two others. That’s not really fair, is it? Then again, neither is Nintendo’s

treatment of Marin and Tarin, though they technically never existed.

Now here’s an interesting paradox: All the things in Koholint Island are

references to something else, mostly to the first three Zelda games and the

Mario series. Yet Marin and Tarin’s ‘real-world’ counterparts weren’t invented

until the following game in the series. A little backwards. Now that we’ve

gotten severely off-track, let me further remind you that Marin is actually a

reference to Zelda. Weird.

Metaphysical conundrums aside, Marin is the one who finds Link unconscious on

Toronbo Shores and drags him off to her house in Mabe Village. Her father,

Tarin, finds Link’s shield and gives it to him as he leaves – Tarin is

referential to Mario, given the red shirt and blue overalls, moustache, and

love of mushrooms. Marin is musically inclined and makes friends easily, even

having some among monsters. Neither Marin nor Tarin is static – both are

constantly travelling around the island, and both of them help Link out several

times. Notably, there is a period where Link finds Marin in Animal Village and

she follows him around for a while, ending in a beachfront ‘date’ of sorts.