"My whole life I felt like a burden. I think too much and I hate it."

MARSHMELLO & KHALID | SILENCE

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a a l i y a h

"Oh my God, I'm starving. Please, tell me there's something in there I can eat that won't bloat me," Talon pleaded. "The goal is to stay in this dress throughout the night."

"Unless he takes it off," I smirked.

She ran her hands down the sides of her dark blue bodycon dress and tightened her straight ponytail, which she hassled to keep the extensions on earlier. Despite the fake nails, hair, and the layers of makeup on her face, there was absolutely nothing that could make her look anything but authentic and expensive.

Talon nodded eagerly. "Unless he takes it off. That is correct."

It was a Monday night, and while Jade and I chose to recover from my tiresome day at work with Chinese takeout, Talon apparently had no reservations about going on a date at nine-thirty. Maybe, I was getting old and hardly had the energy to leave my apartment on a weekday after work.

I preferred to keep the state of my apartment as close to neat as possible, sometimes, but every time Talon stayed even fifteen minutes, it was as if she had brought a hurricane with her. Her makeup bag was sprawled over my dining room table, foundation powder speckled on the glass surface, and brushes rolling off the edge and onto my floor. I loved her, but I also despised her.

Somehow, it had also become my responsibility to feed her every time she came around. Initially, I catered to her with takeout sushi platters, and even our favorite snacking treats Ladurée macaroons. But now? I got lazy.

"I have some leftover spinach in the fridge, and green apples," I said, my voice drifted off as I realized that I had nothing remotely edible. "Damn. I need to go grocery shopping,"

"Spinach?" Her hazel eyes widened, and she heaved a sigh. "You know spinach makes me fart. The last thing I need is irregular bowel movements when I'm on a date with this guy."

Jade and I doubled over, our shrills of laughter ricocheting off the walls as my breath slipped away from me.

Talon laughed, too. "I'm literally not joking, but OK."

With labored breaths, I gathered the strength to speak. "Christ's sake, Talon! Now, I need to know who this guy is. You've been seeing him for the past month, and we don't know anything about him."

Talon was typically as open as the Bible, all you had to do was ask for something, and you'd be redirected to the scripture of her life. So, it didn't settle well with me that suddenly she decided to keep what she'd refer to as 'her conquests,' a secret. It so violated our friendship's moral code of spilling every detail we garnered in our relationships.

"Yeah, good question!" Jade exclaimed, and hummed with realization. "Since when do you keep your lovers a secret?" She raised a thin black eyebrow incredulously.

"Since I realized that you bitches are nosy," Talon remarked. She was only half-kidding.

"Isn't that how our friendship has kept its stability?" I argued. "All of us being nosy as hell, and having that transparency?"

"Right, you're not wrong," Talon began, her voice still on the brink of skepticism. "But, you know what? I really like this guy, and every time I tell you guys, it's like I jinx it."

"Well, at least give us his name," Jade tried.

"No, you'll instantly find him on Instagram," Talon protested, and then paused in thought. "Actually, he doesn't have Instagram. But still, let's just all agree to call this guy my 'dirty little secret.'"

Jade and I groaned in unison, and I itched with inquisition. The thought of being left in the dark crawled over me until I throbbed with impatience. Clearly, this guy had to be known somewhere if she wanted to guard his identity so severely.

Talon dusted her face with a setting powder and posed for a picture.

Ever since her parents were in town, she has piled on events in her schedule. It was evident that she couldn't fathom the thought of spending a single moment alone with her parents. I've known Talon since we were in high school together, and her turbulent relationship with her family was a murky topic. And the irony is that who would've thought that someone so open could be so shut off.

I watched her coat her eyelashes in thick mascara... what was she hiding behind those eyes?

Finally, when she was finished and called an Uber, she left Jade and me to sit in the discomfort she left behind.

"What's up with her?" Jade asked, sweeping the platinum blonde hairs off her neck and gathering them to sit atop her head in a small bun.

"Honestly, I think it has something to do with her parents being in town," I said, gingerly. "I don't know, though, it could be anything with her."

"Yes, but she usually tells us--I think?" she shoved some chips into her mouth and flipped through my listed Netflix suggestions. "What are we watching? I'm fucking done with cooking shows. They just make me want to gouge my eyes out with hunger."

"Yet, you are the first person to put it on. Also, I don't think the purpose of 'Nailed It!' is supposed to make you want it," I argued.

I grabbed my phone from the coffee table as Jade obsessed with finding anything to watch. Mindlessly, I was scrolling through Instagram when I received a surprising following from 'castellano,' and it took me a few seconds to realize it was no one other than Octavio.

I figured that was the perfect opportunity to see exactly what it was he liked. Shockingly enough, he was practically Instagram famous with over six hundred thousand followers. Actually, this wasn't shocking at all. Anyone on Instagram nearly fell on their knees for hot men, this was science I don't make the rules. While I expected a page full of narcissistic shirtless pictures, instead, I predominantly found his deep involvement in creating and encouraging art for run-down New York City neighborhoods. Then there was the casual photo of him hanging around Buenos Aires and Argentinian provinces, arguably modelesque.

"Oh, he's a smokeshow, "Jade suddenly exclaimed. I was so enthralled with his virtual life that I didn't notice Jade standing over me, sticking her nose in my business.

I didn't say anything and sucked my teeth instead.

"What? You don't think so?" Jade asked, but from the mischievous glint in her eyes, I knew she wasn't asking. She knew exactly what I was going to say, but she wanted to drawl it from me.

Rolling my eyes, I breathed through my nose. "He's OK. It doesn't even matter because I am a professional."

"OK, Miss. Professional. Is it part of your job description to sneak off with your clients?" she teased, sitting at the edge of my feet so she could pressure me through her intense stare.

"Oh my God, Jade!" I groaned, but the smile that infected my lips was inevitable. "It was super casual, friendly even."

"Mhm, sure," she continued with a cheeky grin. "I bet you made Derek jealous."

"Derek was too busy entertaining his friends to notice me anyway," I said, shaking my head in contempt.

"Like I've said before, and will ask again--why the hell are you still seeing this guy?" Jade heaved a heavy sigh. "He doesn't seem to have your best interest at heart."

"What do you mean? Look, he has his moments, but he can be really sweet, you just need to meet him and get to know him better."

"I don't really want to meet another investment banker. Do you know what it's like working in a male-dominated firm? Surrounded by middle-aged men and thirty years old's with an inflated ego?" Jade spewed. "Aaliyah, I'm fucking drowning in misogyny."

She clenched her jaw and clutched her fists, and when that didn't release the anger she has ostensibly been gripping, Jade shut her eyes and breathed forcefully.

"I know you are, and it really sucks. I've been there, too," I said, recalling my college experiences and my eight-week-long internships full of opinionated and sexist me.

"And it's not like I can just quit, you know? I wasted so much of my life going to law school, and god knows so much money. I like what I do, just—just not the environment. It's truly horrible," Jade continued, and from the way she rambled on and on, I could tell she had bottled this up for a long time.

"If you don't think you can quit because you're not gonna find another firm, I can help you with that," I offered. "I know a few people that could help you get into reputable firms."

She gave me a wistful smile, but snickered and shook her head. "I wish that would make a difference. I guess that's just what you sign up for when you're a woman trying to enter a man's world."

Jade rubbed her eyes as if she were mentally strained from her words alone. "You know what? It doesn't even matter, but parents would catastrophically disown me if I quit their dream job."

"Oh my god, Jade, you're a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions. They might be a little pissed, but who cares? It's your life."

"I mean, that's easy for you to say because you have these liberal individualistic parents, but this whole 'it's your life who gives a shit about what your family thinks' goes against the very foundation of my culture."

"Fuck, you just schooled me," I admitted, feeling almost uncomfortable for not realizing something so grave. "I--I never thought of that. You are completely right, sorry."

"No, no, I get it. I just want to be a good daughter, and it almost feels like I'm going against that, even questioning everything I worked so hard for. Then again, try living in your brother's shadow for your entire life."

"What? Ren?"

I have interacted with Ren Kiyoko a handful of times, especially on Thanksgiving, when Talon hosts a Thanksgiving dinner at her loft. But, as diplomatic as Jade is, I didn't catch any glimpse of sibling rivalry. Then again, I always had a bit too much to drink on Thanksgiving, so my observations weren't at their best perspective.

"I went to Columbia Law school, but 'Ren went to Harvard Med, and he's a neurosurgeon,'" Jade mocked imitating her mother's nagging voice, and then broke into a peal of nervous laughter. "Do you know that every time he receives the biggest paycheck of the year, my parents call me to just 'remind me.' Fuck's sake."

Growing up, my father envisioned his solar power company in the hands of his daughters in the sometime future. He imagined a day in which Rafaela and I would be working side by side on the most significant accomplishment of his life, securing his glory and so on, so forth. Yet, Rafaela was the sister who was most interested in that industry, in engineering and business. But, I, a girl who at a tender age, would run around the house pretending to be my father, quickly realized that I couldn't fulfill that role. Hearing Jade talk about the feeling of inadequacy, finally put a name to the monster hiding under the bed. The same void that I refused to identify because that meant that I had to deal with it instead of filling it with reckless abandonment and loveless relationships.

But I still couldn't verbalize those thoughts. I couldn't tell Jade anything I really thought because what does that make me? A coward?

"Jade, you and I both know that you don't exist for other people. None of us do, we do not exist for the sole purpose of someone else. You set your own standards and measure your success by that, not by your fucking brother or mom or dad or creepy uncle," I said, and I had easily convinced myself that everything I said was for her, not me.

She shifted in her seat and loosened her bun, something she often did to mitigate how uneasy it was for her to express herself emotionally. It was worse when we had just met a few years ago, and it felt almost impossible to get Jade to open up.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna do that first thing in the morning," she promised, pursing her lips. "Hopefully, it goes OK."

I gave her a reassuring smile before throwing a chip in her face. "Now, stuff your face with carbs to make it feel better," I joked.

She snickered and returned her eyes to the uneventful Netflix screen in front of us. Meanwhile, I proceeded to finish my official Instagram stalking of Octavio Castellano. I had lost myself on his page full of escapades and work, so much so that I accidentally liked one of his pictures. From one year ago.

"No! No!" I yelped, unliking the photo instantly. A groan rippled from my mouth, loud enough to catch Jade's attention.

"What?"

"I just liked one of Octavio's photos from one fucking year ago," I whined. "This is so embarrassing, what if he thinks I was stalking him?"

Jade snorted. "You were stalking him."

"Yeah, but he didn't need to know. Now, he's gonna think I'm weird."

"You are weird."

"You are of tremendous help, did anyone ever tell you that?" I replied with a sarcastic smile.

"Relax, he probably didn't even notice. He has like, what? over six hundred thousand followers, he won't notice one person liking it."

Yeah, she was right. I was one among the hundreds of thousands of people liking his photos. I was just a grain in the sand.

castellano

I usually file restraining orders on stalkers. Should I make you an exception?

aaliyah

Not sure what you mean. You'd have to be stalking me to think that I'm stalking you

castellano

Liyah, don't try to mind-fuck me.

aaliyah

I would never... ;)