There are two absolutes in life, you are born and one day you die. It seems to me that it’s the journey between those two inevitables that counts. I reflected on my journey as I lay in my bed the next day with a throbbing headache. I felt like my journey had just looped around, done a 360 and was starting all over again. A part of me felt like I was returning to the person I once was, with a relationship I once had with my father.

As I was thinking about him I heard a knock on my door, “Can I come in?”

 “Sure.” My voice felt a little horse from the night before and it crackled slightly.

I was surprised to see him walk in with a tray, he placed it down on my bed. “So I tried to make you breakfast. I know you don’t really eat you drink those strange drinks, I tried to make one with apples and other fruit, but I didn’t really know how to use the blender, so it’s more an apple juice with chunks of fruit floating in it,”

I looked down at the juice, it looked simultaneously like the most hideous thing that had ever been invented, and the nicest gesture ever.

“It’s perfect.” I smiled up at him and it was reciprocated.

“Head ache tablets, “He handed me two aspirin, “I thought you might need them.”

“Definitely,” I swallowed them immediately.

“So there's something else too. I’ve thought a lot about our conversation last night and here,” He pulled out a piece of paper and handed it over to me. It was folded and I opened it,

“A ticket to South Africa?”

“Yes. I thought you should follow your heart and all that stuff.”

The gesture was wonderful, “Thanks dad, I really appreciate it-“

“But?” He asked sensing my hesitancy.

“I’m not sure. What if he says no? What if he doesn’t want a relationship?”

“Maybe it’s a risk worth taking. Think about it.”

He leant forward and kissed me on the forehead in that fatherly way that I'd longer for.

“Thanks dad.”

Surprisingly the juice was very tasty and the head ache pills seemed to do the trick. It was already past midday and in an un characteristic move, I felt like going for a walk. After being in those wide open spaces, my room suddenly seemed small.

There was no message from Clay, although I wasn’t really expecting one. I could see from his face last night that he was very unsure of what to do with me. A friend that wasn’t into partying and drinking and having fun every five minutes wasn’t really going to suit him. I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I would as I contemplated loosing him.

The crisp air outside was working on piecing together my decidedly soggy brain. I was so hung over, and it felt awful. I couldn’t quite believe that I spent most of my days feeling like this. I felt sick, physically weak as well as mentally deficient. 

I just walked. There was no real direction to my walking and no real purpose. I had the ticket to South Africa in my coat jacket and I played with it the whole time. I started replaying that fight with Riaan over and over again. He’d been scared. And rightfully so. Clay had barged in and reminded him of all that was turbulent and chaotic about my life, which was a life that he'd chosen to let go of long ago. When he’d asked me if I would miss my old life, I’d said there were elements that I would. This only fueled his belief that I might return to it one day.

The fight had been like spinning on a hamster wheel. Each thing that a person said, just fueled the other and their beliefs, which just made them feel worse and caused them to say something that fueled the other- and so it went on. Hamster wheel, over an over and over again until it felt impossible to get off.

But now, twenty fours hours later and having felt and experienced my old life in full forces and all it’s neon, flashing ultra violet light glory, I could quiet happily say there was nothing I would miss about it. Clay was gone, I had no friends. I would probably miss my father, but I suspected that our growing relationship would not be hindered in any way by being apart. I had a feeling that we were entering a new territory where that wouldn’t matter- we were connecting on a level that would trancend geographicals. Besides, he could afford to get a bit more techno savvy, we have Skype and instant messaging. It was also easy enough to pop on a plane and visit.

So the truth was that nothing was really keeping me here. I wouldn’t miss anything. No wait, I would. I sipped the take-away coffee that I was drinking and it was amazing. Best coffee I'd had in weeks. But that could be rectified, buy a coffee machine. Perhaps if I'd known now what I knew twenty fours hours ago, Riaan and I would not be on different continents. I wished I could rewind and say categorically NO. No I would not miss anything about my old life, except the coffee.

I wondered if it would change anything now if I told him that? Or if his mind had been made up and he had turned me into his ex, and there might be no return from that.

I looked up and became aware of my surrounding’s. Serendipitous once again. Some weird thing had obviously brought me here without knowing, I was standing outside Poppy’s apartment and I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to apologize. Of course I didn’t expect her to forgive me. Why would she? I had singled her out for some stupid reason and been so downright rude and bitchy . I was absolutely ashamed of my behavior.

I was here though. I would apologize and face whatever consequences might follow. That’s if she was even home. I knocked and waited, there was no sign of life and then I saw her eye peeping through the hole.

“What do you want?” Her tone was angry and bitter. I didn’t blame her.

“I’ve come to say sorry.”

There was a pause.

“Zara, I’m really not in the mood for one of your fucking jokes, seriously. Go away.”

She didn’t believe me, why would she.

“Really. Wait. I mean it. I want to apologize.”

The door opened slightly and she peered out. Her eyes were lined with bags and deep red marks it was obviously she’d been crying.

I took a deep breathe and launched into it, “I have been a bitch. Such a fucking bitch to you”

She jumped in, “yes you have!”

“I know and to be honest, I actually can’t give you any reason why. If I could take it all back I would, but I know I can’t. And I want to make it right somehow, the stuff that Clay said about the pregnancy and the bodyguard was despicable and I would really like to try and make it better somehow. And just so you know, Clay and I are no longer friends.”

“Bullshit!”

“We aren’t. Really. I don’t think we'll be speaking ever again,”

“So you really did go mad in Africa then?”

I smiled slightly, “To be honest, I kind of did in a weird way. It’s kind of changed me, obviously I don’t expect you to believe that, but I’m sorry. For what it’s worth I really am sorry,” A tear started to form in my eye and I watched Poppy react to this with surprise.

“Well, I hope you’re okay and I’m really sorry,” I turned and started walking away, I heard the door open behind me.

“Zara, do you want to come in?”

“Really?”

Poppy nodded, “ Sure. I think. I’m not sure.”

I smiled at me, “I don’t blame you.”

The strangest thing happened. After making the most awkward small talk of my life with the girl that I had wronged, the awkwardness started to fade,

“I’m not angry with you” Poppy finally said

“Really?”

She shook her head, “To be honest, I’ve actually been feeling quite sorry for you lately.’

“Really?”

“Mmm, I was starting to wonder if you might land up dead in a ditch somewhere. People have been talking about you, about how your drinking has gotten worse and your  behavior quite bizarre.  They'ave been saying that you used to be fun, now you’re just scary. A lot of us have started wondering if you’re weren’t going to fuck out completely.”

I nodded, “I think that might have happened already.” I said to her.

And the something even stranger happened, “Are you okay?’ She asked me. She actually asked me if I was okay.

“I think so. Or I think I’m going to be.”

We looked at each other for a while.

“Are you okay?” I asked. It was genuine.

“Not really. But I’m getting there. Maybe I’ll just spread a rumor about Clay and it will take the heat off me.” She managed a tiny laugh, I did too.

“But I’m not sure that’s something I could ever do. Still, it feels good to imagine what I might say about him.”

I walked out of her place about twenty minutes later after a conversation that I never imagined I would ever have. I had a slight spring in my step too. It felt good to have apologized and I also kind of liked her.

Of course my spring didn’t last that long when I plunged my hands back into my pockets and felt the ticket.

“A soul mate only comes around once in a lifetime”  My dad had said. What if Riaan was my soul mate? And what if I didn’t try everything possible to make things right? Would I always regret it?

 The answer was yet. I pulled the ticket out of my pocket, my dad had booked it for this evening. I had plenty of time.

Fuck it!

I was going. I was going to go there and lay all my cards out on the table and tell him how I felt and see what he said. I had too. I had a list of regrets as long as my arm and I did not want to add Riaan to it too.

 I loved him.

I am totally in love with him!