I was sitting with my mother on a huge rock. It was the rock that we always sat on together at the top of the hill- I used to think I was on top of the world there. I couldn’t imagine another place on earth that could possibly be higher. The sun was warm and starting to set, casting a golden glow over the long grasses and the waters below. The large, ancient baobab tree we were sitting under provided cool, dappled shade for us.

My mother pulled a knife out of her pocket and held it up.

“What’s that for,” I asked.

“We’re going to leave our mark.”

She smiled at me, that crazy, warm contagious smile of hers. She had a gift for making people smile. My dad used to joke that they should bottle her and sell her as an anti-depressant. I didn’t understand the joke then, but I understood it now. And it was true. She could make anyone smile. She was a constant ray of sunshine. Bright light. A warm breeze.

She was the perfect companion to my stoic father. People used to say that they were the ultimate example of ‘opposites attract’. She was the one person that could make him laugh like a child.

She lowered the knife to the tree and started carving our initials into it.

Once she was done, she carved a heart next to them.

“There we go. Now we will be together forever.’

**

The sound of a gunshot or an explosion rang out . The sound of frightened, screaming, cackling creatures running off filled the air. The sound of footsteps running towards me. The sound of a car engine. The sound of someone calling my, name.

But I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming?

I think I felt his warm hands around me, pulling me out from under the steering wheel. I think I felt a blanket being wrapped around me too, felt myself being hoisted up. My face felt like it came into contact with something warm. I opened my eyes and thought I saw Riaan.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” He whispered into my ear, and it felt so real.

Bright lights blinded me and I felt myself being lowered onto the back seat. I saw Riaan take off his jacket and put it over me. He took out another blanket and wrapped me up in it- it didn’t stop the shivering though, and my toes and fingers felt numb.

“It’s going to be okay,” I think I heard him say again as I think we started driving. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes.

Hands carrying me into my room, and into my bathroom. I heard the gush of water, it must have been the shower. The blankets uncurled themselves from my body and fell to the floor. I was in my underwear.

“We need to warm you up,” His voice sounded desperate and worried. I felt the warm water coating my body and I shivered at the sudden shock of it. He was in the shower with me, in his clothes, holding me up, holding back my head so my hair didn’t get wet I assumed. We stood there until there was no more hot water left in the geyser.

He pulled me out of the shower and without hesitation or warning, pulled off my wet under wear and wrapped me in a towel. I was still shivering, but the feeling was slowly starting to come back to my fingers. As he pulled me out of the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself.

Not because my lips were blue and the tip of my nose was bright red, but because of the look in my eyes. I’d never seen it before. The feelings that I felt on the inside, that I’d managed to suppress for so many years had somehow crawled their way to the surface and were now present on my face and reflected in my eyes.

My senses were waking up now- and I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t a dream, or a near death hallucination. This was real, and once again Riaan had saved me.

He put me into the bed, the towel still wrapped around me and out of the corner of my eye I watched as he took his shirt and pants off. I was starting to shiver again, the warmth of the water was not present anymore and the coldness, which felt like it was in my bones and running through icy veins, was winning. He climbed in behind me and again without any weirdness or warning, he pulled my towel off and pressed his body against mine. He wrapped his arms around me and the shivering stopped as the warmth of his body engulfed me.

My back was pressed into his chest and he held me tightly. He pulled me so close that there wasn’t a millimeter between us. The warmth increased and soon it was hot under the blankets.

I was so relieved to be alive and safe, and so deeply, poignantly touched by his unwavering care and compassion that once again, I cried. Since coming here some kind of flood gate had been opened and the tears were coming, making up for lost years I guess. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was crying either; my shaking body betrayed me. He didn’t say a word, he only pulled me closer and held me tighter.

“I remember what happened the other night,” I said in between the primal guttural sobs, , “I remember everything that happened.”

I felt his head nestling into my neck and his warm breath caressing my check.

“I remember the kiss.” My voice was a whisper now. “I’m so sorry,”

He kissed me on the neck and I melted into him, feeling safer and more cared for than I’d ever felt before.

“I’m such a mess. My life is such a mess,” I turned my face towards him and our eyes met. It was electric. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that spoke of pure compassion. Caring. Kindness.

“I know,” He said again, before kissing me softly on the check and then on the lips. 

I turned around and closed my eyes, but before I fell asleep I felt I needed to say it….

“I really like you Riaan.”

“I like you to Zara.”

"A lot..."

**

Have you ever woken up and everything felt different. Everyone of your sense seemed like it had been re tuned into a different frequency. Your thoughts felt like they were following and carving new neural pathways through your brain. Your heart was beating to a different drum, and your blood was somehow pulsing in a different direction.

The reality of what had happened last night hit me. It was quite literally a near death experience- and what made it worse, was that it had been self-inflicted.  Did I think so little of myself?

Suddenly everything was crystal clear. I was able to take a step back and survey my life from a distance- and all I could see was a train wreck. I barged through life, never stopping, never thinking, always reacting. Drinking and partying.

But today, there was a new person emerging. Something in me was awake; the light bulb had been switched on. It was not at full strength and brightness yet, but it was flickering and with every minute that past the flickering grew stronger and stronger.

Riaan was still wrapped around me and it dawned on me that I was completely naked. I turned my face towards him and looked. He was asleep and he looked so peaceful and beautiful.

As I looked at him a barrage of feelings rose up. They were so strong and undeniable now. And there was no more hiding from them either. No more fighting them. No more trying to push them down by whatever means necessary.

I liked him. A lot.

He seemed too peaceful and happy to wake-up. I gently brushed a strand of hair that was covering one of his eyes away and kissed him on the cheek an then slipped his arm away and climbed out.

I had an overpowering desire to be somewhere, as if some unseen force was drawing me there and I couldn’t resist the pull, it was too strong. I pulled on a warm tracksuit and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror again, I was covered from head to toe in red bites, even my face and neck had been attacked.

I put on my best walking shoes, where I was going the terrain was steep and rocky. It was early morning, I had actually woken up early without being dragged or forced out of bed. The air was crisp and cool and when I breathed it in, it tasted sweet somehow.

A morning mist hung on the ground giving everything an air of mystery and wonder. Like a secret lost land that only I had found. I could hear the sounds of a million frogs and crickets and see a few squirrels scuttling from tree to tree. And it felt like I was seeing and hearing these things for the first time ever. Everything this morning felt new and wonderful. As the sun got higher and brighter the mist vanished into thin air. As I continued to walk up the hill, the terrain began changing; the ground was rocky and dusty now. A caterpillar crawled across my path; I bent down to watch it as it’s hundreds of legs moved in unison like a perfect well- oiled, well -timed machine. 

It was in site now- the palace I needed to be. The giant tree was still standing there, unmoved. It stood like a watchdog protecting its flock. Poised and majestic.

The view was also just as I remembered it, you could see for miles and miles in every direction. Unspoiled wilderness. Nothing but the African bushvelt rolling out in front of me like a golden carpet. I sat on the rock, the rock I’d sat on so many times before and I ran my hand down the trunk of the tree.

It was still there too.

ZB and SB with a heart drawn next to it.

Zara Bennett and Sarah Bennett. The initials had been there for thirteen years, and although weathered now, they were still as clear as the day they were made. I ran my fingers over the engraving- it felt like this was the closest that I’d been to my mother in over a decade. I didn’t try to force the memories away this time, instead I let all the feelings and thoughts wash over me. And I was surprised to find that they didn’t make me feel like I was going to die, they made me smile.

My fingers traced the letters and the heart and I swear, I could almost feel her presence, sitting on the rock next to me as if she had never left.

My life would have been so different if she was here…

But for the first time I realized that I could change it all- everything I regretted and didn’t like about myself. I could be the person that I was supposed to have been all along. A person that my mother would be proud of, the person that she'd raised. Somewhere along the way I had strayed and gone off on a dangerous path, it was so clear to me now, I could see it as if my life was a map that had been laid out in front of me.

The thought was both daunting and exciting. I must have sat there for hours as I started to plan my new route through life.

A twig snapped behind me and my bubble burst. I turned and saw that Riaan was standing there with his hands on his hips. He looked out of breath, disheveled and absolutely furious. The look on his face was undeniable.

He was fuming. He was angry, and I could see it was with me.