Our house started to fill up with people with their crying facades. Turns out, it was normal since the last twelve days, only I had been too busy and involved in myself to notice all this. I woke up early in the morning and yet the last one in the family. Even my little most brother, suraj, had woken up too. When I got down after getting ready, I saw all the people walking in and about my home like some ceremony going on. In fact, it was a ceremony going on except the fact that it wasn't a happy one.

Gate opened and I saw all the men coming in except Ravi chacha. Baba, Chandra chacha, Viren and little Suraj... all of them bald. It was our hindu ritual. I was wondering why baba was following it. I came down and went to the inside hall where we had done all the Puja-Path and where the ultimate picture of Baaji with garland around him was put. I saw Ravi chacha getting bald by a home called barber.

"Aizaaa....udhar mat ja. Aa idhar kitchen me help karwa meri, naha liya hai na??"

Mom called me and I went inside only to see Beena chachi and Maaji cooking on the gas while mom had all the bronze utensils in front of her. It was actually a ceremony going on.

"Ye kiske liye ban raha hai?"  I asked them.

"Baaji ke liye!"  they said in unison. A snorting chuckle surpassed my mouth and I nodded in unbelievement.

"Tum jao yahan se beta...yahan tumhara koi kam nhi hai. Madhvi rakhi ko bula lo na, isko jane do bahar"  maaji said to me and literally sent me out.
It was so paradoxical for me to understand that all my life I saw her malignance with my father, which I used to think was for his name but now I knew that it was for the whole religion itself...yet she loved me the most. Even more than her grandkids, her real grandkids. What math was used for the basis of her hatred and malignance was something I could never calculate.
I went outside only observing all the stuff happening in my house.

"Are Aijja beti. Tumhare baaji ke jane ka bhot dukh hai hume." Suddenly this strange aunty stopped me and holding my shoulder said all this to me. I watched her for a brief second and I was to start asking her questions as to why she was upset and tying to console me when I had no idea who she was at first place, but then I realised the facade of society and this was just how it goes.

"Ji shukriya" I said with lame tone.

"Or batao....shadi kab kar rhi ho?" She asked me and I felt the rush of anger hitting my last nerve of brain coming from the toe. I looked at her with pathetic eyes and was about to say that it was none of her business and she was the stupid most person I've ever wasted my time on, but I felt a pair of hands on my both arms and a voice so evident because of the smile already placed on the speaking device of human body that people could state the speaker of it without even looking.

"Aunty ji in baton ka abhi kya fayda. Aap chaliye pooja shuru hone wali hai, baba aate hi honge" he said and I jerked his hands away  from my arms and standing a little apart from him, looked at him with same pathetic and shocked eyes. That lady went off watching me and Vedant keenly but I didn't pay any heed.

"Why did you do that?" I said in utter annoyance as he clearly stole my chance to teach that stupid lady a better lesson.

"People get upset on death Aiza..and so they pay condolences no matter how less real and 'from heart' it is, and just when they finish doing it.. they move on.  There's no need to make them understand or feel what you are feeling. Some day, she is gonna feel it anyway. Its inevitable. So don't pay heed to the crowd in your home."  He said and I kept thinking how on the right nick of time did he get to know and understand what I was thinking.
It felt so filmy and... surreal.

"Whatever" I said and moved on from there with him following me.
Vedant's father had arrived along with four more Pandit(s). They all came in and everybody was greeting them. Vedant suddenly got away from me and went to the place where the ritual was to happen and started arranging things and seats. He was shit scared of his father, I observed that much pretty well.

All the Pandit(s) settled in the hall while one of them sat near the picture and said "karta kahan hain.?"
I was standing with Vedant on one corner and we were almost covered with all the viewers came to pay heed to baaji.

"Karta wo hota hai jo kriyakaram karta hai, generally ye ghar ka bada beta hota hai." He said in my ears silently and I jerked my shoulder a little in order to tell him to back off and not come so close.

"By the way, tumhare papa nhi karenge kriya karam?" I asked as I thought he was going to do it, but he sat on the one corner with other Pandit(s).

"Nhi, Shradh ke kriya karam Mahapatr karta hai, normal pandit nhi."

I made an O out of my lips wondering on the layers and specifications of these rituals. How connected and assured people were about them that they believed everything like anything.

Ravi chacha entered the room with his bald head and completely shaved face, he was wearing this Pagdi which was also a part of the ritual. He was wearing silk dhoti-kurta.

"Aaiye Ravi ji...aap hi ka intezar ho raha tha" The Mahapatr Pandit  said and I got confused. Ravi chacha was the Karta? Baba was supposed to be the one,right?

"Tumhare baba nhi hai karta?" He asked in his whispering voice and  I got even more irritated.

"How am I supposed to know yar. Go sit with your father!" I freaked out on him and blabbered in rudest tone. His face got dull and I could clearly see it. He went off from there and sat along with the Pandit(s). I felt really bad for doing that to him but I was more occupied in figuring out what was going on.
That's when my mind twirled and I somehow realised that perhaps it was against the Hindu ritual that my father wasn't supposed to do the needful being him not from the religion, but wasn't he half of it already. Baaji was his father right? I went outside the hall to avoid all the crowd and went to the kitchen.

"Baba karta kyun nhi bane maaji? Kya aapne unko mana kiya tha?" I asked out loud and all the four women working their in the kitchen stopped in their tracks and looked at me. My mother was concerned and maaji was out of words probably.

"Har cheez insan ke mutabik nhi hoti beta. Kuch cheezen niyam or dharm ke sath chalti hain. Ab mujhe isse aage tumhe kuch samjhane ki jarurat to nhi hai." She said in her stern tone and I saw my mother sobbing beneath her pallu she had already stuffed in her mouth.

"Kyunki wo aadhe muslim hain? Isiliye unse kriyakaram karne ka adhikar chhin gaya?" I asked with my most disappointed voice and waited for them to clear my pain.

"Kyunki wo unka beta hi nhi hai!" She yelled at me, precisely threw my judgement for her for treating my father indifferent because of his religion and accusing her of being a stern and stupid religious based biased woman, she yelled the truth and left me wordless and world-less for a moment.

"Maine kaha tha.......maine kaha tha in sab me mat pado aiza.....mat pado beta.....tum sirf or sirf gade murde ukhad kar apna nuksan kar rhi ho....." My mother came to me and holding my face, tried to convince me.

"Ab......ab kya fayda maa....ab to mere paon aadhi kabr me ja chuke hain." I said and ran away from there while she kept calling my name from behind. I ran straight back to the study room and closed the door.
I stood in front of the Hijaab girl's picture and sobbed. How many lies I was to unfold? Was this my home even? This whole trap everybody created in and about me, it was suffocating me.

I opened the cupboard and took out his journal haphazardly and rumagged through the pages I had already read to reach where I left.

"Mere din ki shuruat uski patti or khatma uski khattati se hone lagi thi. Maine apni ab tak ke umr me Islam ko hi dekha tha magar fir bhi, uski khattati..uski ibadat ne mujhe nausikhiya bana diya tha. Aisa lagta tha mano maine ab tak Islam ko jana hi nhi tha...mano maine aaj tak kisi ko us allah ko yad karte, us allah ko apni salahiyat nazar karte dekha hi na tha. Wo itni khoobsurati or saadgi se allah ka nam likhti ki wo ek nam bhi har dafa naya ban jata tha. Maine ab tak ki chitrakari me logon ki tasveeren banana seekha tha, baba ne mujhe humare sare devi devataon ki tasveer banana sikha diya tha lekin fir bhi mai aaj tak bhagwan ko apni salahiyat nazar na kar saka. Momina bhot paak thi. Din-ba-din meri mohabbat uske liye badhti hi ja rhi thi.
Ek din maine usse puch dala 'ek bat to batayen'.
'baten bad me kishor pehle tum apna Alif seedha karo!' usne mujhe dhutkar kar Rafa dafa kar diya.
'Mai kabse hi koshish kar raha hun magar ye harf hai ki likha hi nhi jata' maine sathiyaye man se apni kalam ko neeche rakhte kaha. 'iska matlab tum allah ka nam uski ibadat me nhi likh rahe ho. Tumhara maksad bhatak gaya hai. Alif to sabse aasan harf hai kishor, ye to allah ka uske bande se talluk hai...usse rabta hai. Ek seedhi, wo kya kehte hain hindi me, rekha...ek seedhi rekha hi to hai. Bas kheench deni hai.'
Jab usne ye baten mujhse kahi to mai khin ka na raha. Mujhe aisa lagne laga jaise mai...apne khuda ko...apne bhagwan ko...apne daata ko dhokha de raha tha. Maine sach me use zariya bana kar apni mohabbat ko mukkammal karne ka irada bana liya tha. Khattati meri mohabbat ka zariya nhi thi. Wo uske liye bhot mayine rakhti thi.  Meri aankhon ko aansuon ne ghar kar liya. Momina ghabra gyi mujhe aisa dekh kar. 'kya hua, maine kuch jyada to nhi keh diya?' usne ghabra kar pucha. Mai ab or ruk hi na paya. 'momina...mai tumse mohabbat karta hun. Or mai aaj tak tumhare allah se mohabbat karne ke natak se ye khattati seekh raha tha lekin ab or nhi. Mera Alif, ye seedha nhi ho sakta  kyunki mera maksad alif banane ka tha hi nhi. Ho sake to mujhe maaf kar dena or agar na kar sako...to bhi mujhe aitraaz nhi.' maine apne dil ka bojh uske sir-aankhon par rakh diya or uth ke wahan se chala gaya. Wo chup thi jab tak mai wahan tha, ya shayad maine uske halak ka haal jana hi nhi, apni kahi or chalte bana. Wo agle do din mere pas nhi aai. Do hafte hue the mujhe usko jane hue or teesre hafte me pehli dafa aisa hua tha ki wo apne marizon ke pas nhi gyi thi. Mai man hi man toot chuka tha. Mere andar ka ek hissa gum gaya tha. Dusre din, meri besabri ne dum tod diya or Maine dusri nurse se uska haal puch dala. 'momina beemar chal rhi hai. Uska aakhiri mahina chal raha hai na.' ye sunte hi mujhe sukoon hua jabki dukh hona chahiye tha. Maine kabhi usse sawal nhi kiye the magar mai humesha se uske pariwar or uske shauhar ke bare me jan-na chahta tha. Har waqt apne parwardigar ko kosta ki ye kaisi mohabbat se nawaza mujhe mere malik...jo ho nhi sakta mera use apna wajood de baitha hun. Ye kaisa ishq diya mujhe ki mera qalb uski nazar hai jo kisi or ko nazar hai. Mere dil me haulen uthne lagi thi. Mai usse doori bardast nhi kar pa raha tha. Rat hui or mai chal diya apne safar ko. Aaj wo bistar par leti hui thi. Laalten kamre ke dusre kone me jal raha tha, uski timtimati roshni se bas kisiki chalti sanson ka pata lagta tha...zindagi ka nhi.
'momina...' mere halak aise jawab de chuka tha ki ab bas mai dil faad kar ro bhi deta or awaz bhi na aati. Uska nam bhi kapkapati awaz me nikla. Usne mujhe sunte hi muh fer liya.
'kaisi ho tum?' maine dard ko andar ghonte hue pucha. 'tum yahan kya karne aaye ho kishor?'
'tumse bat krna chahta hun.. tumhara......tumhara hal puchna chahta hun. Mai, mai jan-na chahta hun tumhare bare me momina...is bachhe ke bare me.' maine humesha ki tarah sab keh dala. Usne dheere se apni gardan meri taraf ki or mai dhundhli hi shi par uska noorani chehra dekh pa raha tha. 'mai bewa hun, ghar se bhagi hui hun or mera koi nhi hai. Tumse panch sal badi hun. Kya or kuch jan-na chahte ho?'
Mai use sunke dang reh gaya tha. Samajh nhi pa raha tha ki khush hou ya udas. Jashn kru ya uski tanhai par ta'aziyat kru. Mai halke kadamo se uske pas gaya or uske sirhane zameen pe ja baitha. Usne muh fer liya tha. Maine halka hath uske sir par rakha, usne aankhen band kr li.
'nam socha hai kuch?'  maine kaha. Wo rote hue halke se muskurai or apna Rukhsar poch liya. Fir usi andaaz me, usi awaz me boli 'waise to beti chahti hun jiska nam rakhungi Aiza....achha hai na. Or agar allah ki rehmat se beta hua to.....'
'Ashfaq' maine kaha or usne muskura ke hami bhar di.
Humne aadhi rat tak baten ki. Usne mere samne apna jeewan khol ke rakh diya, usne bhi khattati apne Walid se seekhi thi or walida ke kehne pe nurse ki padhai ki thi. Shadi ke bad dono hi karne ka mauka na mila. Uska pati usse bhot mohabbat karta tha magar uske pariwar wale uske sath badsulooki karte the, isiliye uske pati ke faut ke bad wo ghar se bhag khadi hui. Maine to use pehle hi apni kahani suna di thi, dheere dheere sab yad aane laga. Kaise dangaiyon ne hume beghar kar diya tha or mere samne hi unka katl kar diya tha or badkismati se mai bhag khada hua sir pe chot liye.
Humne dheron baten ki or mere andar itni ummeed jag uthi jiska bayan karna bhi ek bewkoofi hai."

I shut the book immediately as someone was knocking the door quite loudly. I wiped my cheeks and opened the door. Neetu, Ravi chacha's second child, was standing there with her innocent face. The eight year old came to call me out. She said "didi maaji aapko bula rhi hain. Daan puja shuru ho gyi hai". I told her to tell Maaji that I wasn't going to come.

"Didi chalo na. Hum sab ko achha nhi lag raha aap yahan ho. Baaji ko bhi achha nhi lagega" my innocent little sister said and I couldn't help but sit on my knees and hug her. Everyone knew what baaji wanted and ironically they didn't. She hugged me back and after a few seconds, broke the hug and wiped my tears, but they were unstoppable as to everytime I felt they are my family..the very next moment I got smashed with the truth of all the lies this family was built up with.

She clutched my hand and took me to the hall. I saw there were alot of things piled up in a stack and Ravi chacha, being the Karta, was giving those things one by one to the five Pandits summoned there. There was a small bed, the mattresses, pillows, food, clothes, toiletries, umbrella, mosquito net. I was confused again.

"What's happening?" I asked Vedant who was standing and watching all this.

"Daan kehte hain ise. We donate all the important and necessary stuffs of everyday life believing the notion that through these Pandits, the things will reach to our loved one. You see bed, and mattresses and food and everything.... everything is here what your Baaji might need to live... wherever he is now."

For the first time, I felt good about a ritual. It was ironical and really stupid for me to say that I wasn't religious and so not into these stuffs at all.

"Lekin ye cheezen puri nhi hai baba" I said out loud and everybody turned to me. 'she is  most affected by her Baaji's death' was the notion floating in their eyes whenever they were watching me, I could see it clearly. But it was wrong. I was affected but not loosing my sanity. I was in fact, exploring it more.

"Aiza...tum..." Baba tried to stop me.

"Aap logon ne sirf wo cheezen rakhi hain jo har insan ko roz chahiye hoti hain. Isme wo nhi hain jo baaji ko roz chahiye hoti thi" I said and went to the study room.

The hall was silent and waiting for me, I was pretty sure about it.
I came out.

"Ye lijiye. Ye gramophone, ye ghazal ki cassette. Ye Ghalib ki kitab. Ye canvas, ye unki brush kit or ye....tasveer" I said finally putting the Hijaab girl's photo along with everything I had put in. Everyone was looking at me.

"Kya hua...aap log mujhse jyada achhe se jante hain baaji in cheezon ke bina nhi rehte the. To fir riwaz ko shi tareeke se nibhate hain na. Ravi Chacha...kar dijiye ye sab bhi daan."

Ravi chacha came closer to me and caressed my head.
"Shi keh rhi hai" saying so, he started putting GangaJal on everything and then started giving them one by one. Everyone was feeling weird about it, I looked at Vedant and he was smiling at me...again. I felt a tug at my heart and I smiled back. I felt nice, like I actually did something for him, for my Baaji.

The Daan kriya was about to end when I heard Pandit say "maaf kijiyega Ravi sahab lekin, humne aapki bhawnao ka aadar karke baki sab cheezen le li magar ye....ye muslim aurat ki tasveer hum apne sath apne ghar nhi le ja sakte hain."

Yet again, it all came to just one point, this goddamn religion. I felt betrayed again for I couldn't succeed in it also.

"Laiye...aap ye mujhe daan kar dijiye"

_________________________________

Don't forget to vote, comment and share.