"So why were you trying to reach Allah by the way?" He asked suddenly and I could feel my grip around his biceps loosening already. I stole my sight away from his and tried to transfix it on random natural products lying in front of us like a whole another kingdom of nature. The pang of nervousness ran through my body and I could feel myself getting hit by realisation and facade right on the face. I slowly tried to whisk my hand unlooping from his elbow and take it back to myself when he authoritatively held my sneaking hand from his and looped it back more tightly and closely this time. I immediately turned and looked at him scared to feel that he might know stuffs I don't tend to tell him.
He smiled his charishmatic one and patted, with his other hand, the back of my palm spiraled around his elbow. What was he smiling about? I genuinely hate people who know it all and then act like they know it all. If they know it damn all then why do they question it and not just answer it? What kind of supremacy they feel? It just gives me creeps. Baaji had the same habit.

I jerked my eyes away from him to get back to the trail of trees in front of me.
"Why would you question it?" I said and could feel my voice coming out in a cold tone. To be honest, I intentionally made it cold so that it might scare him.

He giggled on my question and I was amused again. I turned to look at him again and the frown on my forehead was genuine this time. What was possibly wrong with this man? Or perhaps, what I knew about him wasn't all.

"You sound funny in cold tone. Gosh how imma fight with you if you will keep being this funny." He blurted and his entire body was still laughing, I could feel it in his throat and voice. Was he mocking me?

"Are you mocking me? And that's my.....personal matter and I don't wanna discuss it. That's all. You must learn where boundaries lie which you shouldn't cross." I said in vaguely haughty manner and turned away from him, although could just turn my neck only from here to there, rest of my body wasn't willing to move any farther.

"Well I thought maybe I could be the person you would like to discuss your personal matters with. Anyways, (sighed a big one) let's discuss politics then. So how long do you think I.K.Gujral will stay in power. I personally really liked Bhajpayee ji, I mean it was just 13 days but the man has arts curled up in his fingers and his thoughts are really provoking and not just show off. what do you think?" he kept on blabbering and my mouth stayed open for I couldn't just believe how effortlessly he turned the whole topic down and moved on from it like we step on grass in the garden. I was confused as to what I wanted, did I want him to make efforts in knowing me more or did I really don't want to discuss it. Neither of them were feeling right so I decided to tell him more.

"Allah was written there in Arabic calligraphy." I said with low meek voice.

"Huh?" He immediately said as obviously he got unexpected reply to what he asked.

"Allah was written there in Arabic calligraphy, it's called Khattati. It was written by baaji, when he was learning it." I said sighing halfway through my answer and keeping my gaze straight towards the meadows and trees lying. It was 5 in the evening and we were sitting on one of the topmost roof of the infamous Purana Quila of Delhi. Our legs were hung down the building and I was very much scared of looking down but it also gave me relaxation to sit above there and watch people and trees and everything tiny from their usual size. Even life.

"So you weren't calling for Allah but Baaji?" He said after a minute long pause. I turned to him and he had the same frown I had on my forehead and I had the same smile he had minutes ago.

"I don't know who I was calling for but it definitely lies between Baaji and the almighty, for I think I've never seen almighty but I have been with him" I said sighing halfway through my sentences and looking upright to the sky above us fading it's brightness and turning into different hues of dusk. It was poetic to see the sky walking slowly changing its colors and existence. How much was it holding inside to change everyday? How easy was for it to be thus diverse and show every color perfectly? Why we get stuck on darkness of nights and brightness of mornings only, and why not go think the transformation of the sky reflecting life in every perfect way? The gloom and it's end. The peace and it's fall. The beginning and it's follow up. So on and so on. If everyone will stop reaching the sky and just start following it, I think they will easily learn the pattern of life.

"You are way mystical and messed up than I thought" he said and I felt an arm reaching on my side instantly and pushing me to the other where I landed side hugging him, closer to his shoulder and nape. He leaned in and pecked the hairline right above my forehead. I wasn't stunned but bloomed.

"I'm leaving for Pakistan next month." I meekly whispered, blowing my hot breathes on his collar. I could feel the shock running in his body without even looking at his confused frown, we were that pasted to each other.

"Why...... if I may ask?" He asked nervously.

"To give Baaji peace." I replied immediately.
His head shifted and now I knew he was looking down at me. I rose from his shoulder and tried to straighten up. His grip around my torso gave my way.

"Baaji used to live in Rawalpindi. He loved someone there and I need to find her." I said as I was not afraid he would do something wrong with my personal information. I had his secret too.

"Why are YOU so determined to do that Aiza?" He asked the most vague and most unheard question. My pupils were dilated after hearing him. Why was I doing it? Really!

"I......well I love him of course...and...." I was trying to search for more and speak but he cut me off.

"Because it's not for Baaji's peace, it's for yours. You are confused. Those buried answers of past ain't gonna benefit anybody but you. You are not over him."

"YES AND HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE....ever? He was......he was, he meant something to me and I had just him. How can I not...." And words steamed up inside me and came out like tears. My eyes were raining acidic and I could feel my cheek bones burning due to it. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed inside. For whoever's peace it was, I had to get it. I wasn't going to be happy otherwise.

He tried to remove my hands but I covered it again. Then I felt a little push on my waist as I was pushed towards him, he made my head lean on his shoulder and removing my hands from my face, covered it with his handkerchief. I immediately clutched his collar of the other side and burying my face in his collarbones, resumed with my wet sobbing.

Throughout the month I didn't contact him or saw him anywhere around. He had no cell phone so I couldn't call him anyway. I could have met him had I tried, but I didn't. One breakdown and one elopement was enough for me to not show my face till I leave.

Amma wasn't talking to me, or anyone. She had gone on complete emotional pressure building mode where she will ask me to go over her dead body. I knew it was to happen and thus I was preparing myself as I knew, once everything will be over and out, she will understand me. It was Baaji's fault only that I had grown apart from my mother, although he never pulled us away but both the ideologies in which my mother and my grandfather wanted to raise me were exactly opposites so the result...that is me...was born to hurt one of these two. I had no regrets.

"Aiza. Tum ye zidd chhod do. Maine ladka dekh liya hai, apne Qasim sahab ka dusra beta...NRI hai, agle hafte hi tumhe dekhne London se wapas aa raha hai. Tum Milo or bas maine turant hi tumhara nikaah padhwa dena hai." Baba came to me as I was wrapping up with my thesis two days before my flight. His words shocked me to the most. I hadn't heard NIKAAH word from anyone except in TV and here he was talking about it and performing it on me. He talked as if he was someone totally else.

"Baba.....what's wrong with you. Since when did you start being like this?" I asked him turning my chair towards him. He was standing afront the door blocking the view of the corridor on my floor.

"Like what? Muslim? Did you forget...that's who we are!" He said proudly. I could see his eyes dilating with utter ego.

"No I'm not. I'm nothing. Don't divide me in one of yours stupid religions." I spat back in my harsh tone.

"Aiza don't talk rubbish. You ain't going anywhere but meeting Qasim Sahab's son. That's my final decision." He yelled back. I had never seen him being this dominating, ever.

"And since when have you started making final decisions?" I heard a firm yet calm voice coming from the back. We turned around only to find Maaji wrapped in her pashmina shawl standing immutable to her grounds. Before we could say anything, she reached us and said "since when did you start making decisions? Now that he is gone, by any chance have you guys started thinking guardian of this house of yourselves? Let me tell you then, you stand nowhere to stop her. Im still alive to think of whats good for and whats not." Baba was silent of course for he still had no guts to talk back at her. He remained silent as ever with his head hung low. I was happy that Maaji did stop him from forcing me into something but it felt bad as well to see my father go all humiliated by his mother in front of his daughter. However, I braced myself again.

"Do what you want to do but remember one thing, dont loose yourself in the way of believing something you are not. You are what you have always been, what he raised you to be. You indeed have the liberty to choose but I want you to keep this in mind." Maaji said to me and I kept searching through her eyes the kind of patience and another fold of love she has unfolded for me and him. She indeed took off her cloak of anguish and started to come along with us. I hugged her solemnly and made assure that I wont turn into something she won't recognise.

Amma didnt come out of her room for next two days as well. My flight was scheduled on 3am at night, it was going to be a long journey as it was going to be a 21hours flight. Around 12pm, after dinner, my bag was ready. No one in the house was ready to see my face after Maaji had announced her pure will in sending me to Rawalpindi and not having an objection over whatever I chose to do. I was sure my uncles must had kicked her out or rather enthralled her in one room, had she not hidden Baaji's will he signed way before his death. I was dieing to see my mother's face but she wasn't ready to see me. I went to her room but the door was latched of course, I stood at the threshold and called her out but apart from her sobs, nothing was audible.

"amma... please..." I cried in between my sobs and nothing came back as a reply. Maaji held me and took me back as all the patience and strength I had built to go against my parents were loosing their grip.

"everyone has gone through a lot, beta. Dont turn it all in vain." she said holding my shoulders firmly and I nodded back at her. She was right.

I left for the airport prior to the flight timing. I was going on a visitor's Visa of course. I could stay there for thirty days only. My heart was throbbing loudly in its cage inside me. I had never travelled alone interstate even, let alone across countries that too Pakistan. I had so many questions arising in me regarding the plight I was taking, but one thing I was sure about was the trust Maaji showed in me, that must have been based on something right I could do and she could foretell. Waiting alone for the fight and going through all the procedure of checking in and interrogations, I was pretty tired. Fear had started to weary off from me as exhaustion was taking its place. Finally the flight was announced and I ran for it. My acrophobia started to hit me once I saw the ginormous flight standing and waiting to fill all of us in its trunk and fly high. There was a long line of passengers entering the flight one by one. My legs started shaking of nervousness and fear already as I was awaiting for my turn to climb in. Being alone wasnt pleasing at all. Somehow I turned in and was welcomed by two flight attendees who smiled at me warmly. I couldn't reply in better way but asked "by any chance, do you guys know how to deal with Acrophobia?" .

Next thing I know was, I was screaming my lungs out with my hands clasped on my mouth, sitting right beside the window and partially looking down at the rich dark sky, the little illuminating lights of the city could be seen indicating the height I had reached. My mind was going blank and then coming back in a loop. The airhostess beside me, the one I asked a remedy for, was holding me tightly and making me watch beneath the sky and kept saying that it was the only way to curb my fear for one and for all. Had she been a foreigner, I would have cussed her in Hindi really hard.

An hour or two passed, I didn't even realise. The plane landed and I was unsure as to what was happening. I was looking for someone I could ask what was happening for all I knew, the journey was supposed to be of 21 hours. Everybody boarded off eventually and I was the last one sitting there clueless when the airhostess reached me and politely said "Mam you have to board off, we are in Kabul, Afghanistan. Its an overnight layover, the flight will stay here for 18 hours."

My mind went blank again. I had no idea what an overnight sleepover was supposed to mean except the fact that I had to arrange for my sleepover here in this strange country. It was around dawn time as the cloud outside was not just black anymore, it had a hint of shine. I tried to follow few passengers (families) till airport hotels where they had arrangements made for their stay already. I tried to ask them for myself but got to know that reservations were made beforehand and if not then the amount for the room was quite much for my budget as my budget was mine and Maaji's savings from last six months only. I refused to take single penny that belonged to my uncles as I didnt want them to taunt me for that as well.

With exhausted body and blank mind, I went for the waiting lounge and sat in one corner, putting my suitcase on my left and hugging my another bag closely to my chest. I had no hopes and ideas for what I was going to do for the next 18 hours in here all alone and scared. I just slept convincing myself that a journey like this will surely won't end with burglary, kidnapping or anything of that sort. I had to stay alert and have faith.

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