"A-are you busy? Maybe we can have lunch together? I brought some..." I raised the paper bag that I'm holding. Ngunit paliit nang paliit ang boses ko, lalo na sa huling pangungusap dahilan kung bakit hindi ko na tinapos ang sasabihin. 

"I'm done. You can have it." Something inside me ached at Chaos's cold response. Hindi man lang niya ako tinapunan ng tingin. His attention remained in the documents in front of him. 

Unti-unti kong naibaba ang hawak na paper bag. I felt the side of my lips wavered. "Huh? Maaga pa. You have your lunch already?" I even chuckled trying to lighten the atmosphere even though I know it wasn't helping. 

I got no response from him so I went near his swivel chair. "C–come on, Hon. I cooked this. Sabayan mo 'ko—" I place the paper bag at the top of his table where there's no documents. Ngunit nagpakawala siya ng marahas na buntong hininga na nakapagpatigil sa akin.

He glanced at me with his eyes devoid of any emotion. "I have a meeting, Rieselle. If you haven't eaten yet and you don't want to eat alone, invite my secretary."

It's been three weeks. Tatlong linggong ganoon ang sitwasyon namin. He's been like this for three weeks already. 

He's not even sleeping in our room. Doon siya sa guest room namamalagi dahil siguro, hindi niya ako magawang paalisin sa silid. 

Lahat na yata ginawa ko para lang maibalik siya sa dati. But nothing happened. Everyday, I'm cooking to give him lunch na araw-araw din naman niyang hindi kinakain at tinatanggihan. Kung ano ano pang dinadahilan niya na hindi ko alam kung totoo ba o ano. In the end, I'll give the food to his secretary. 

And I'm extra caring for him these past few days! Na hindi ko naman normal na gawain.

But still, nothing.

Since the day he talked to Guerdon, he started treating me like this. Hindi ito ang Chaos na nakilala ko. So I know there's something wrong. 

I tried talking to Guerdon but I got nothing. Hindi ko na inulit ang isang subok na kausapin ulit siya. I don't like the way he looks at me. Para bang mababasa niya ang iniisip ko at lahat ay alam niya.

I asked Chaos once what's wrong. At sinagot niya lang ako na dapat hindi na ako nagtatanong. Like he expect me to know what it is. 

Ano naman ang pwede nilang pag-usapan ni Guerdon kaya't nagkakaganoon si Chaos?

I even thought that maybe he knew it already. Maybe he knew what I'm doing. But why isn't he confronting me? 

Pero hindi ba dapat ay magpasalamat pa ako na hindi siya nagtatanong? What would I tell him if he'd really confront me?

At kung alam nga niya? Bakit hindi niya pa 'ko pinapalayas? He should have send me away the moment he learned about what I'm doing. Or worst, sue me. Wala akong ibang magagawa kung hindi ang magtago kung ganoon. Because I'm sure that he can put me in jail for what I did because it won't took him a week to find evidence for it.

Sa mga ginagawa ko, siguradong patong-patong na kaso ang isasampa niya sa akin at wala nga akong ibang magagawa kung hindi ang magtago. 

Naisip ko rin na umamin ngunit agad kong inalis ang ideyang iyon. He's not saying anything. Paano pala kung hindi iyon ang dahilan? Maybe he simply f–fell out of love? 

And in those weeks, it isn't just Chaos who change. Because I felt something in me changed too. Something that shouldn't even happen. 

I should not mind why Chaos is acting like that as long as I can get money from him. I still have his black card. I'm still using it for the hospital bills. Nakukuha ko pa rin ang kailangan ko kay Chaos kaya't dapat ay wala na akong pakialam. 

But deep inside, I'm bothered that he's treating me like this and thought that I should make up for it. Something crossed my mind but isn't it too fast to even feel it?

I'm inwardly insisting that it's because my plan to ditch the wedding might fail because of how Chaos is acting right now.

But who am I fooling? I know it wasn't because of that.

Marahas akong napabuntong hininga nang marinig ang pag-iingay ng aking phone. Sinulyapan ko iyon at nanlulumong sinagot. "Mommy," I timidly greeted. 

I sipped on my juice, mag-isang kumakain. I ended up eating my lunch in a restaurant. Alone. 

Ganoon ang araw-araw na sitwasyon ko. I ordered the fucking best seller here yet I'm not satisfied. Sa pait ng nararamdaman ko para kay Chaos, hindi na maganda ang panlasa ko sa pagkaing nasa harap ko.

Iniwan ko sa sekretarya ni Chaos ang pagkaing dala ko para sa kanya. Bahala na siya kung kakainin niya 'yon. Though I hope his secretary won't throw it away. I still inserted a lot of efforts in cooking that.

"Where are you and your fiance? You both have a schedule with Ms. Clarita."

"What?" I asked in a low voice. "Uhmm. I'm sorry. Is it today?" I let out a deep breath in the end after remembering it.

This is one of the things that's affected by Chaos's sudden change.

We missed a lot of appointments regarding our wedding preparations. Minsan nakakalimutan ko dahil sa kakaisip ng kung ano-ano na tungkol kay Chaos. While sometimes, a part of me simply doesn't want to go especially that I'm alone. 

Tila nawalan na rin ako ng ganang siputin pa ang mga meeting na iyon. For what? Aanhin ko 'yon kung 'yung pakakasalan ko, mukhang wala ng balak magpakasal sa akin?

Mariin akong napapikit at problemadong napahilot sa sentido. I thought you'll ditch the wedding?

You can't marry him, Marcia! It'll just make everything worse. And you simply can't!

"Rieselle, anak? What's happening with you and Chaos?" malumanay na tanong ni Mommy. 

I can't tell her. It'll surely reach the Zaldivars. Though I doubt that they won't realize what's happening. Ilang meeting na ba ang hindi namin napuntahan ni Chaos? Almost every meeting I guess? 

For sure Mommy and Tita Cecille were notified in every meeting that we ditched.

"Can we..." I paused a bit, still massaging my temples. "Move the date of my wedding? Say, another month from now?" Para bang bahagyang nabawasan ang bigat ng aking loob nang nasabi ko iyon.

Ilang beses nang sumagi sa isip ko na hilingin iyon. A part of me doesn't want it. But I should.

And now that I'm talking to her, that's when I felt how weak my body is. Pakiramdam ko, lahat ng pagod ko noong nakaraang tatlong linggo, ngayon ko lang lahat naramdaman.

"M–move... what?" Mommy's voice was breathless after a long silence from her. 

Do I really need to explain what's happening? Parang lalong lumalala ang pagod ko isipin pa lang ang magiging reaksyon ni Mommy. 

I heard the door of the condo opening. Dahilan kung bakit dali-dali akong nagpaalam kay Mommy upang salubungin si Chaos. 

I rose from the couch and readied the smile on my lips.

"Hon!" I tried to greet him cheerfully despite how drained I am.

He continued walking like he didn't see me at all.

I followed him as I figured he's walking towards the guest room, the one where he's staying these days.

"Nagdinner ka na? I cooked something. Sabay na tayo." 

He turned to my direction and gazed down into my eyes before a frown slowly etched in his forehead. 

Though, it's already nine in the evening. I doubt if he's still not having his dinner for tonight.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin bago tuluyang dumiretso sa guest room. 

I heaved a deep breath and smiled. I nibbled my lower lip when I felt how heavy my insides were.

Sinundan ko si Chaos at walang imik na pumasok sa silid niya. I saw him sitting at the edge of the bed, loosening his tie while his eyes were closed. 

I silently watched him with a faint smile in my lips. Tahimik akong bumuntong hininga bago marahang lumapit at umupo sa tabi niya.

He felt my presence and opened his eyes. Akmang tatayo siya nang hawakan ko ang isang pala-pulsuhan niya. He stopped but it seems like he'll go the moment I let his wrist go.

"Rieselle," he called like he's warning me to let him go. 

I didn't. Instead, I let my head slowly lean in his shoulder. "Can we stay like this for a while? Just a few minutes, Chaos." Para bang hindi ko na kailangang magpanggap nang sambitin ko ang mga salitang iyon at pagod na boses ang lumabas sa aking mga labi.

He didn't answer but he remained beside me. Kinalas ko ang hawak sa kanyang palapulsuhan at pinagsalikop ang aming mga kamay. 

My head is still leaning on his shoulder as I started playing with his hand. 

"Won't you say anything?" he muttered and his deep voice seemed to vibrate along my nerves.

My eyes went down on our clasped hands. "I want to tell you something..." I trailed off and sighed. "But just forget it the next day like nothing happened, huh?" I slowly whispered, just enough for him to hear it.

Hindi ako nakatanggap ng sagot mula sa kanya ngunit nanatili siyang hindi gumagalaw at hinayaan lang ako sa gustong gawin.

"I miss you. I have no right to tell you this but I miss us already." I swallowed the lump on my throat as I started.

I shifted my head on his shoulder but remained leaning on it. "I'm sorry. I know it won't heal anything, the things I did. This won't even... alleviate everything. But still, I want to say sorry."

I apologized thinking like he knew all the things that I did. I apologized while I still have a chance. Who knows? Baka bukas, bigla na lang niyang malaman ang lahat ng tinatago ko. I won't have a chance to apologize if that happens. I don't think he'll listen. At sa tingin ko, hindi ko na rin maiisip iyon kung sakaling magkahulihan. The first thing I'll probably do is run away. 

"About the m–money, I'll pay you back in everything I..." I trailed off, refusing to name what I did. 

I heard him chuckled with no humor. "To hell with it. I don't give a damn about the money you're talking about." I stiffened as his deep voice echoed.

He knew? Or he's just answering me because of what I said? Nonetheless, I said it already. Now he knows. Well, that's just, let say half of what I did? Or is it even considered as half of everything?

Alam kong hindi basta kalilimutan ni Chaos ang mga sasabihin ko tulad ng sinabi ko bago pa magsimula. But I can't stop myself from saying things I shouldn't have been saying in the first place. 

And about the money, I know it doesn't matter to him. No matter how much I stole, he didn't care. But I'll pay it. Hindi ko nga lang kayang bayaran ng isang bigayan ang pera niya. 

Though, how can I do that when I'll hide? Siguro iipunin ko at kung kailan ko mabuo, noon ako magpapakita.

It will took me years or... a decade? The hell. I inwardly shook my head at the thought. It'll depend on my boutique's performance. 

"J–just give me time. I'll try to return everything to how I know it used to be," I softly whispered as my heart tightened. 

Mapait akong napangiti nang nanlabo ang aking paningin dahil sa mga luhang nagbabadya sa aking mga mata.

I wonder if I can do that. It'll surely hurt. But in time, I'll still forget everything. 

I'll surely overcome it. I am Marcia Estelle. No one. Not even a Zaldivar. Can make me crumble on my knees.

It definitely won't be easy. But still...

"I'll try. B–but if I failed and I can't... I know it's too much but I hope I can... stay." The last words got stuck in my throat and made me choked as my eyes burned with tears.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumukuha ng kakapalan ng mukha sa mga sinasabi ko. Stay? Am I even thinking? 

What the hell am I even talking about? I thought I'll leave?

I hastily wiped the tears in my cheeks with my free hand. I let out a low chuckle. "F–forget it. If everything went worse, I'll honestly run away. But don't worry, I'll make sure everything's in its right places before leaving."
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