Trigger warnings: grief, depression, and su*c*de.

Prologue

Accident

Bea

They said that he got into an accident. At pagkagising niya ay wala siyang maalala. He's suffering from an amnesia...

At palagi kong maaalala sa kaniya si Jake dahil sa isang rason...

Ngumiti ako sa kaniya nang magkita kaming muli rito sa magandang garden ng hospital.

We were both admitted here at the Dela Cuesta Medical Hospital. Pagkatapos namin parehong manggaling sa isang aksidente na nangyari sa amin...

I also learned that he was actually a doctor here in this hospital before his accident happened and he couldn't remember anything now about his past after he woke up.

While I can remember everything...

Kahit halos pareho lang din iyong aksidente na nangyari sa amin. It was a traffic accident... that happened on the same time, and the same place...

I remember when I first woke up. Pagkatapos ng aksidente. Hindi pa ako makapaniwala sa nangyari. I screamed in shock and trauma the moment I knew what happened to us...

Hindi ko matanggap.

At hanggang ngayon ay parang hindi ko pa rin talaga matanggap...

And I can only wonder if I'll ever be able to just accept what happened...

Hindi ko iyon basta na lang makakalimutan.

At nandito sa akin ang sakit at guilt... My regrets and frustration would not just magically heal or disappear...

I know that it takes time. Pero pakiramdam ko na ngayon na kahit gaano pa man katagal ay hindi ko na makakalimutan iyong nangyari.

Habang-buhay ko na siguro itong dadalhin.

I wouldn't be able to move on from it...

It was traumatic. And very painful.

Gusto kong umiyak na naman pero inunahan ko na ang emosyon ko at binati ko na siya nang magkita kami. "Hi! Trying to relax here in the garden again?" I asked him.

Tumango naman siya at ngumiti rin sa akin. "Yes. Ikaw din ba?"

I nodded. "Yeah..." Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya. I was just trying to find that something in him...

"Wala kang kasama ngayon?" I asked. Dahil palagi siyang binibisita ng pamilya niya rito sa hospital habang nagpapagaling siya.

Habang ako naman tingin ko ay napilitan lang din sina Mommy na puntahan at bisitahin ako rito sa hospital...

I didn't have a proper family growing up... At nang makilala ko si Jake ay siya na lang sana ang naging pamilya ko...

Umiling siya sa akin, and he almost looked annoyed about something. "I told them na kahit huwag na muna nila akong madalas na puntahan dito sa hospital. I also don't like to see that woman..." aniya na parang napapaisip din...

I think I know who he's talking about now.

He has a girlfriend before the accident happened, at hindi na niya ito maalala ngayon. He doesn't remember anything about her. So he's just pushing her away...

Habang ako naman ay parang mas nakikilala niya pa kahit ngayon lang naman talaga kami nagkitang dalawa at dito na sa hospital pagkagising namin pareho...

Sa ganoon kami nagkakilala ni Leo at nagkalapit sa isa't isa on our days of recovery at the hospital...

"Bea!" Kumaway siya sa akin.

At sa pagkaway niyang iyon sa akin ay parang sandaling may nakita akong isang tao sa kaniya...

It was so short and when I just blinked my eyes once it was Leo again that I saw. Naiinis ako at nagagalit na rin sa sarili ko.

Bumawi ako at ngumiti nang malaki kay Leo. Lumapit kami sa isa't isa. We were in the middle of my university. College pa kasi ako at graduating na rin. Actually medyo nahuli na rin ang edad ko sa pag-aaral. Dahil pahinto-hinto rin ako noon, because I was unstable... I have an unstable family... And I'm 25 now.

And Leo's in his early thirties. He's a doctor. Sinusundo niya ako rito ngayon sa university kung saan pa ako nag-aaral.

I'm determined to finish my studies now. Someone made me want to and dream for myself...

"Leo...kanina ka pa?"

Umiling naman siya sa akin. "Nope! I just arrived here a few minutes ago. Lumabas lang ako sa sasakyan when I saw you approaching the parking lot..." He just shrugged.

Napangiti ako. I remember him so much in him. Leo's now in his thirties but I feel like he's acting like he's just in his early twenties... Even the way he talks... He reminds me so much of him...

Jake was also my classmate. Magkaklase lang kami but he was also younger than me. Sakto lang ang edad niya nang mag-aral siya. Unlike me.

He was young... He's an angel... So I don't understand why... I would not understand why it has to happen to him. Bakit siya pa? When it could have been me. Sana nga ay ako na lang...

Ngumiti na lang ako kay Leo at niyaya ko na siyang umalis na kami sa university. "Tara na?"

He nodded. "Let's go."

Bahagya pa akong natigilan. I remember Jake often saying that same words before. Making 'go' sounds like 'gaur' with his Australian accent. Sa Australia kasi talaga siya lumaki because his Dad was from there. And Filipina naman ang Mom niya kaya lumipat din sila rito sa Pilipinas noong college na siya at noon na rin kami nagkakilala rito rin sa mismong university na ito...

I've already learned so much about him. At alam kong ganoon din siya sa akin. Naging close na rin ako kahit sa parents niya... But they hate me now...since the accident happened.

Ako kasi ang sinisisi nila sa nangyari sa amin ni Jake... Sa nangyari sa anak nila. And I couldn't blame them. Maging ako man ay sinisisi ko rin ang sarili ko.

I blame myself, too... Because it was my fault.

Kung bakit inaaway ko pa siya sa loob ng sasakyan niya nang mga sandaling iyon while he was driving... At iyon na pala ang mga huling sandali naming dalawa na magkasama...

I hate myself so much.

Ang sakit ng nangyari...

Ang sakit sakit.

Inalis ko na lang sa isip ko ang mga bagay na ito kahit panandalian lang din. And instead I just tried to be in the present now with Leo...

Pero bumabalik pa rin doon ang isipan ko.

Naalala ko iyong pinagtatalunan namin noong gabing 'yon habang pauwi na sana kami sa condo niya at pwede namang doon na lang sana namin pinag-usapan ang problema...

Now I realize that it was petty. Nagseselos lang ako noon sa isang babaeng nakasama niyang lumaki sa kanila sa Australia na nakipagkita sa kaniya nang pumunta rin ito dito para magbakasyon lang naman.

Alam ko namang mahal ako ni Jake. Pero ako lang din talaga ang problema. Because I was insecure. Because I wasn't stable mentally...

At kahit pa mahal na mahal ko rin siya... Kaya nga takot lang din naman sana ako na mawala siya sa akin... I was so insecure, too...

How could really one love when she couldn't even look at herself...

I wasn't healthy for Jake. I was toxic to him. And I wish that I could've changed... Kung hindi man para sa sarili ko, kung hindi ko iyon magawa para sa sarili ko... Then at least I should have done it for him. Because he deserves to be in a healthy relationship...

Dahil maayos na ang buhay niya bago pa man ako dumating. He has loving parents. His friends admire and adore him for being kindhearted and a soft guy...

He was very talented, too. He excels in both sports and academic. He used to play soccer, as well as in music. I remember watching him as he played several music instruments before. Parang ang galing niya sa kahit na ano. He loves music that's why I learned to appreciate it, too. And music can calm me down somehow...

I wasn't good enough...

I was not good for him.

I was bad for his own good.

"We're here."

Parang nabalik ako sa kasalukuyan nang hininto na ni Leo ang sasakyan niya sa basement parking ng condo niya.

We're currently staying here. Yes, I also live with him now...

It's been months since we met at the hospital and the accident happened...

Lumabas na rin ako sa kotse niya at umakyat na kami sa condo niya. We had dinner together na parang normal lang ang lahat... And then that night may nangyari na namang muli sa amin...

I always close my eyes whenever we do it... I'm just trying to find that in him... Trying to feel that familiar feeling... The familiar touch...

Iniisip ko na parang siya pa rin ito...

Kahit na parang niloloko ko na lang din ang sarili ko... I'm just making excuses. And selfish excuses...

Kinabukasan nang sumunod lang na araw nakipagkita sa akin si Yessa. We met in just a nearby cafe. She's been wanting to meet with me and talk to me. But I was busy with the things to do in the university, o baka rin nagrarason na naman ako. I just always find reasons and excuses to my actions...

"Mabuti naman at nakipagkita ka na sa akin." She said.

Tumingin ako sa kaniya. She looked like she lost weight from the last time I saw her... Mukha rin siyang stressed. But that doesn't make her look any less beautiful...

Yes. She's actually a beauty.

I wonder why Leo forgot about this face? Why he forgot this person...

At tingin ko kahit na hindi pa talaga kami gaanong nag-uusap... May pakiramdam lang din ako na mabuti rin talaga siyang tao...

Someone who's obviously better than me.

Dahil kung iisipin ko, if she's a bad person, matagal na niya akong sinabunutan malamang... At sigurado ako na hindi lang iyon ang bagay sa akin. But she didn't do any of that...

At maayos pa rin niya akong kinausap ngayon.

Nakahalukipkip pa rin naman ang mga braso ko habang nakaupo ako roon just across her on the table we took. My legs were also crossed below the table.

"What is it?" I just asked her.

Pero bago pa man siya makasagot ay dinagdagan ko ang sinabi. "I already told you this before. Hindi ako ang dapat mong kinakausap. You should talk to Leo himself. Hindi naman ako ang talagang lumalapit sa kaniya. He's the one who wants me by his side..." Pero natigil lang din ako sa pagsasalita nang makita ko siya na parang maiiyak na sa harapan ko.

I looked away. And I looked to the side. I'm a bad person. No, I'm the worst.

I didn't want to see her face like that...

She looked like she's so much in pain...

And I'm just in pain, too...

Reasons... excuses... I made it up...

"Bea, please... Alam mo naman na hindi ko siya pwedeng basta na lang na kausapin with his condition now..."

Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

"Ano ang gusto mong mangyari?" I asked her.

She looked at me with even her begging eyes... And I felt more and more guilty every time...

Why do I always try to ruin good people?

Jake was a good person, too. He was a good guy... Like an angel...

But I only ruined him...

If it was not because of me...

Siguro ay buhay pa siya ngayon...

Sana ay ako na lang talaga ang nawala. Tutal ay wala na rin namang kwenta ang buhay ko simula pa lang. I don't really matter to anyone... except for Jake...

"Bea...we have a son..." And it was followed by her tears, na tuluyan na rin bumuhos pagkatapos ng sinabi niya.

Habang umawang naman ang labi ko at sandali pa akong natulala na lang sa kaniya... "What..." Parang gusto nang mablangko ng utak ko...

She nodded at me through her tears. "He's two years old now... And he's looking for his Dad..." She said.

I didn't know. They have a son? They were married? Ang akala ko lang ay girlfriend pa lang siya ni Leo...

I didn't saw her with their child before. Even when we were still at the hospital, they never once brought the child there to visit his dad that was confined there...

But maybe that's just what I assumed. And no one told me, too. Or that I just didn't really cared much... Because I was too selfish. And was only thinking about myself. To the point of being already greedy...

How could I have done this...

Nakita ko na rin ang mukha ngang wedding ring na suot pa ni Yessa sa daliri niya.

Fuck. What the hell.

"Bakit hindi mo ito sinabi kay Leo? I mean, he probably didn't know—he couldn't remember yet?" Naguluhan na rin ako...

Umiling sa akin si Yessa. "I don't want to tell him... I can't..." Umiling-iling pa siya. "We were warned by the doctors. Na baka mas lalo lang lumala pa ang kondisyon niya kapag pinilit namin siyang ipaalala sa kaniya ang nakaraan niya. We can only wait until all of his past memories will come back..."

Napalunok ako. Pagkatapos ay nagtagal pa ang tingin ko sa kaniya. And in the end I finally realized... At parang ngayon pa lang talaga ako natauhan sa pinaggagawa ko. "I'm sorry, Yessa... I'm so sorry..." I whispered my apology. At halos matulala na lang ako...

I remember Jake's last words to me... Bago pa man siya binawian ng buhay nang mga pinakahuling sandali na nakausap ko pa siya right after the accident and the rescuers had just arrived and was already trying to get us out of the wrecked vehicle...

"This is not your fault..." mahina niyang sinabi pero narinig ko dahil malapit lang kami sa isa't isa. "It's not your fault... Please don't blame yourself after this... Continue living... I love you, Beatriz..."

That's what he said before his eyes closed and he's gone...

I knew in that moment that he was already gone...

Tumulo na lang ang luha ko nang tuloy-tuloy. Habang hindi rin ako makakilos...

Wala sa sarili na ako ngayong naglalakad sa kung saan... Wala akong patutunguhan. And no one really wants me now that Jake is gone... He's gone...

Lalo pang bumuhos ang mga luha ko sa pisngi ko at wala na itong tigil.

"Jake..." I mentioned his name after it seemed so long since I called him again. "Jake... I can't take this anymore... I'm sorry..." bulong ko na lang sa kawalan...

"Why this has to happen to us... Bakit ka kinuha sa akin... Sana ay ako na lang... Sana... Sana hindi iyon nangyari sa atin. Kasalanan ko. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..." I said this through my tears.

Lumunok ako nang isang beses at may nakita na akong isang sasakyan na parating.

Unti-unti akong naglakad sa gitna ng madilim na daanan ng mga sasakyan. Gabi na at halos wala pang poste malapit sa lugar na ito...

"Kunin mo na lang ako, Jake... Dapat ay sinama mo na ako sa iyo..." I said as I stood in the middle of the road...

And I just waited for my life to just end as well as I waited for the fast approaching vehicle...

Ngumiti pa ako. "I only want to meet you now... I love you, too..."

And then I closed my eyes.

Author's Note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual person, living or dead, is just purely coincidence. Any name, places, or happenings mentioned in this story is not intended for someone or something. And or for anyone. Anything written in here is for the purpose of writing in fiction only.

Thank you.